Suggestions for how to process an assault...15 years later
March 22, 2021 12:42 PM Subscribe
TW: Nonconsensual sex, assault, coercion
This weekend, my boo and I were heading out on a hike, when a popular song from 15 years ago started playing on the radio, and triggered a series of memories of the person that introduced me to this band. As I started thinking about this friendship and series of events, as a now 37 year old fiercely feminist woman, I realized, that not only was it inappropriate... there was a sexual assault.
Even as the #metoo movement gained ground, prior to now, I would have said I have never been assaulted. My brain never categorized it that way. Listening to the song brought back memories of the “event” that I had clearly blocked my capability to truly examine. Even now I feel like calling it an assault (heaven forbid, rape) is too harsh, but when I think critically about the boundaries I had set, even as an intoxicated 21 year old, it definitely was not right. Trigger warning: I am hoping for some validation, so I am going to describe what happened below, not completely, but enough that it could be triggering for survivors of sexual assault.
I was a 21 year old virgin, in every way. He was freshly divorced and probably ~7-8 years older than I was. He had an unreciprocated crush on me, and at points had proclaimed to be in love with me, but I was not interested in anything romantic with him. I told him as much this particular evening as we were hanging out. We were hanging out as friends, at a friends house that he was house sitting for. At some point I became far too drunk to drive home. I remember him trying to get me to stay, and I agreed.... but only because I could not drive. I remember explaining this to him. I’m staying only because I can’t drive, not as more than that. I remember him getting close to me on the couch, and just being too tired to keep telling him no. He kissed me, I resisted, I said I didn’t want to do this with him. This wasn’t what I wanted. He kept on kissing me. Then he wanted to move the the bedroom, I did not want to do this. I can visually remember him trying to get me off the couch, I didn’t want to go in the bedroom, because I didn’t want anymore of this. I was too drunk and tired, and gave in. I just wanted to sleep. I think I even had trouble getting to bed. Once there, he proceeded to sexually assault me. I remember fingers on me and in me. I remember pushing his hands away, and resisting, but I didn’t have much energy left at this point, and eventually just let him go. He did not have sex with me, just rubbed on me and kept saying how good it was to feel wanted again.
I woke up the next morning feeling disgusted and horrified. I left as quickly as I could, I remember being so anxious and nervous that he was so intwined with my group of friends. I would have to somehow salvage this... so that week I APOLOGIZED TO HIM, for apparently misleading him so horribly. This is what upsets me most.... I’ve spent 15 years thinking I was horrible to this person, and have been nice, friendly, helpful trying to make up for the slight that my mind decided had taken place.
I’m not sure how and what to feel. Reevaluating this has also made me realize that an exboyfriend has also raped me once before. I can’t stop thinking about it now. Something that I wrote off 15 years ago... and I never thought had hurt me... why does it feel so terrible now? Is therapy the only answer?
Even as the #metoo movement gained ground, prior to now, I would have said I have never been assaulted. My brain never categorized it that way. Listening to the song brought back memories of the “event” that I had clearly blocked my capability to truly examine. Even now I feel like calling it an assault (heaven forbid, rape) is too harsh, but when I think critically about the boundaries I had set, even as an intoxicated 21 year old, it definitely was not right. Trigger warning: I am hoping for some validation, so I am going to describe what happened below, not completely, but enough that it could be triggering for survivors of sexual assault.
I was a 21 year old virgin, in every way. He was freshly divorced and probably ~7-8 years older than I was. He had an unreciprocated crush on me, and at points had proclaimed to be in love with me, but I was not interested in anything romantic with him. I told him as much this particular evening as we were hanging out. We were hanging out as friends, at a friends house that he was house sitting for. At some point I became far too drunk to drive home. I remember him trying to get me to stay, and I agreed.... but only because I could not drive. I remember explaining this to him. I’m staying only because I can’t drive, not as more than that. I remember him getting close to me on the couch, and just being too tired to keep telling him no. He kissed me, I resisted, I said I didn’t want to do this with him. This wasn’t what I wanted. He kept on kissing me. Then he wanted to move the the bedroom, I did not want to do this. I can visually remember him trying to get me off the couch, I didn’t want to go in the bedroom, because I didn’t want anymore of this. I was too drunk and tired, and gave in. I just wanted to sleep. I think I even had trouble getting to bed. Once there, he proceeded to sexually assault me. I remember fingers on me and in me. I remember pushing his hands away, and resisting, but I didn’t have much energy left at this point, and eventually just let him go. He did not have sex with me, just rubbed on me and kept saying how good it was to feel wanted again.
I woke up the next morning feeling disgusted and horrified. I left as quickly as I could, I remember being so anxious and nervous that he was so intwined with my group of friends. I would have to somehow salvage this... so that week I APOLOGIZED TO HIM, for apparently misleading him so horribly. This is what upsets me most.... I’ve spent 15 years thinking I was horrible to this person, and have been nice, friendly, helpful trying to make up for the slight that my mind decided had taken place.
I’m not sure how and what to feel. Reevaluating this has also made me realize that an exboyfriend has also raped me once before. I can’t stop thinking about it now. Something that I wrote off 15 years ago... and I never thought had hurt me... why does it feel so terrible now? Is therapy the only answer?
Ugh, I'm sorry this happened to you. I don't have any advice for processing other than therapy and maybe talking about it with close friends, but really just wanted to say yes, this is absolutely assault. Your negative feelings about it are totally valid. And for what it's worth, our brains are very good at trying to protect us from the trauma of situations like this. Many, many people justify and rationalize and downplay sexual assault that happens to them, it is a protective response and you don't have to feel any shame that you reacted the way you did 15 years ago. Again, I'm sorry this happened to you and all the best trying to process it from here.
posted by DTMFA at 12:55 PM on March 22, 2021 [4 favorites]
posted by DTMFA at 12:55 PM on March 22, 2021 [4 favorites]
First of all - I'm so sorry this happened to you.
It is perfectly understandable that you are confused about what happened and why you are reacting to this now. You had a different set of coping skills then, and a different perspective - and now you have looked back on the situation with a different perspective and it has caused you to realize something. The fact that it is in the past doesn't matter - your new realization about it is still fresh, an that can be why it's bothering you this much.
And even if you did realize at the time what had happened, there's a chance you might have still been thrown by this incident today; I know someone who was once similarly assaulted, and was unexpectedly triggered by something years later. That's what "PTSD" is - you had something traumatic happen to you, and a part of your brain still had some processing to do and it's doing it now.
You sound like you're resistant to therapy; I know that it can help, but if a clinical doctors-office kind of therapy makes you uncomfortable, you might also benefit from a rape and sexual-assault crisis support group or a support counselor. The organization RAINN can be very, very helpful in helping you sort through what exactly might help you right now. I can attest that they are very, very patient and compassionate - I blessedly haven't had an assault, but I called them at the time that friend was going through her own flashback, and spoke with someone about how I could be a supportive friend. The person I spoke with spent ten minutes not just helping me brainstorm ideas, but also helped me with my own feelings of "i just feel like I don't know what to do" flailyness. They are trained to help people at all stages, and they are very, very supportive.
Good luck.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 12:56 PM on March 22, 2021 [9 favorites]
It is perfectly understandable that you are confused about what happened and why you are reacting to this now. You had a different set of coping skills then, and a different perspective - and now you have looked back on the situation with a different perspective and it has caused you to realize something. The fact that it is in the past doesn't matter - your new realization about it is still fresh, an that can be why it's bothering you this much.
And even if you did realize at the time what had happened, there's a chance you might have still been thrown by this incident today; I know someone who was once similarly assaulted, and was unexpectedly triggered by something years later. That's what "PTSD" is - you had something traumatic happen to you, and a part of your brain still had some processing to do and it's doing it now.
You sound like you're resistant to therapy; I know that it can help, but if a clinical doctors-office kind of therapy makes you uncomfortable, you might also benefit from a rape and sexual-assault crisis support group or a support counselor. The organization RAINN can be very, very helpful in helping you sort through what exactly might help you right now. I can attest that they are very, very patient and compassionate - I blessedly haven't had an assault, but I called them at the time that friend was going through her own flashback, and spoke with someone about how I could be a supportive friend. The person I spoke with spent ten minutes not just helping me brainstorm ideas, but also helped me with my own feelings of "i just feel like I don't know what to do" flailyness. They are trained to help people at all stages, and they are very, very supportive.
Good luck.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 12:56 PM on March 22, 2021 [9 favorites]
I'm so sorry this happened to you.
why does it feel so terrible now? Is therapy the only answer?
The realization is a legitimate present-day trauma in and of itself. It's trauma with the tattered baggage of following you around for so many years hiding in plain sight as a memory of you doing something wrong until the context suddenly snaps into plain view, and it hits hard. It's the fresh trauma of an old trauma.
That's why it feels so bad.
Therapy is generally a good answer, but that doesn't mean that you can't first take a breath to let the initial shock pass, and attempt to do some processing on your own. Unless you start to feel as if you are in/on the way to crisis, it's okay to give this some weeks or a couple of months or until pandemic's end to sit with it, journal, reach out to a friend if you can, do research, call a helpline if you need it.
It should not always feel as bad as it does this minute or this week or this month. We are resilient and we are inclined to process and shock fades (and if it doesn't you increase the priority on outside help). But it can feel like you will always feel this bad, when you're inside it, which is why reaching out to people - even here - can be a huge help in remembering to breathe.
It's okay to start looking for a therapist right now, and it's also okay to wait a bit and see, but I would suggest if you wait that you schedule yourself a check-in with yourself or a friend for a month or two from now just to see if this has spun you out in some way that would be helpful to work with someone on.
posted by Lyn Never at 1:17 PM on March 22, 2021 [7 favorites]
why does it feel so terrible now? Is therapy the only answer?
The realization is a legitimate present-day trauma in and of itself. It's trauma with the tattered baggage of following you around for so many years hiding in plain sight as a memory of you doing something wrong until the context suddenly snaps into plain view, and it hits hard. It's the fresh trauma of an old trauma.
That's why it feels so bad.
Therapy is generally a good answer, but that doesn't mean that you can't first take a breath to let the initial shock pass, and attempt to do some processing on your own. Unless you start to feel as if you are in/on the way to crisis, it's okay to give this some weeks or a couple of months or until pandemic's end to sit with it, journal, reach out to a friend if you can, do research, call a helpline if you need it.
It should not always feel as bad as it does this minute or this week or this month. We are resilient and we are inclined to process and shock fades (and if it doesn't you increase the priority on outside help). But it can feel like you will always feel this bad, when you're inside it, which is why reaching out to people - even here - can be a huge help in remembering to breathe.
It's okay to start looking for a therapist right now, and it's also okay to wait a bit and see, but I would suggest if you wait that you schedule yourself a check-in with yourself or a friend for a month or two from now just to see if this has spun you out in some way that would be helpful to work with someone on.
posted by Lyn Never at 1:17 PM on March 22, 2021 [7 favorites]
I too am 37, and was sexually assaulted by a close friend about 5 or so years ago. He also was "in love" with me, and took advantage of my not-sober state no matter how many times I told him no.
I was not sober but lucid enough to realize what was happening at the time, and, as said above that sadly doesn't make it any easier.
I did end up speaking with a counselor at a women's support group, once, and I found it helpful. But honestly I'm not ready to have full-blown therapy sessions about it.
If you can reach out to loved ones who are empathetic that really does go a long way. That's what helps me.
You're processing this and it will ebb and flow. To me it's really helpful to know there are resources out there even if I'm not entirely ready to use them yet.
Feel free to PM me if you'd like to talk.
posted by girlmightlive at 1:31 PM on March 22, 2021 [1 favorite]
I was not sober but lucid enough to realize what was happening at the time, and, as said above that sadly doesn't make it any easier.
I did end up speaking with a counselor at a women's support group, once, and I found it helpful. But honestly I'm not ready to have full-blown therapy sessions about it.
If you can reach out to loved ones who are empathetic that really does go a long way. That's what helps me.
You're processing this and it will ebb and flow. To me it's really helpful to know there are resources out there even if I'm not entirely ready to use them yet.
Feel free to PM me if you'd like to talk.
posted by girlmightlive at 1:31 PM on March 22, 2021 [1 favorite]
I was molested as a kid, but because there was no genital touching or penetration (the SOB sucked my toes) I wrote it off as just some gross thing that happened to me, and I joked about it for years. I'd tell my friends about it the same way you might tell a funny story about that time your dog puked in your lap. It wasn't until I was in my twenties that something clicked and I realized how traumatized I was. Overnight that incident went from "funny story" to "thing that has scarred me for life." Not long after that I was publicly assaulted by a guy in a club, and even though I knew it was BS for assault victims to blame themselves, I couldn't help blaming myself anyhow. ("What did you expect, going out dressed like that? You WANTED attention, you wanted people to think you were sexy. Well, this is what you get!")
What you experienced with this "friend" was 100% assault. It's not uncommon for people to take years to realize they were assaulted, or to blame themselves for what happened. Again, I KNEW it was bullshit to blame myself for being assaulted, but I heard that terrible, scolding voice in my head anyhow. I'm not qualified to say why that happens, but I can say that it happens all the damn time.
I'd agree with others who suggest that therapy would be a very good idea, to help you process these traumas.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 1:38 PM on March 22, 2021 [7 favorites]
What you experienced with this "friend" was 100% assault. It's not uncommon for people to take years to realize they were assaulted, or to blame themselves for what happened. Again, I KNEW it was bullshit to blame myself for being assaulted, but I heard that terrible, scolding voice in my head anyhow. I'm not qualified to say why that happens, but I can say that it happens all the damn time.
I'd agree with others who suggest that therapy would be a very good idea, to help you process these traumas.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 1:38 PM on March 22, 2021 [7 favorites]
This JUST HAPPENED. Give yourself time and space to feel, process, think, not think, and just...breathe. Think of all the grace and space you'd give to a friend or loved one who had a trauma in the last 48 hours, and give that same gift to yourself before you feel pressured into any decisions about next steps.
posted by Ausamor at 2:08 PM on March 22, 2021 [3 favorites]
posted by Ausamor at 2:08 PM on March 22, 2021 [3 favorites]
This person doesn't sound ill-intended, but very poorly informed and poorly cultured (different than say, someone ambushing you on the street).
No, this guy is a rapist. I know it's not your intent, but please don't downplay the seriousness of what happened as against some mythical platonic stranger rape.
posted by praemunire at 2:42 PM on March 22, 2021 [36 favorites]
No, this guy is a rapist. I know it's not your intent, but please don't downplay the seriousness of what happened as against some mythical platonic stranger rape.
posted by praemunire at 2:42 PM on March 22, 2021 [36 favorites]
Oh my gosh I am so sorry. I had analogous stuff that seemed very different once I started talking about it to a therapist, and it brought up all kinds of things over the course of the therapy. Including-- I know this isn't your problem-- anger at a previous therapist who seemed very concerned to minimize what happened when I mentioned one of the incidents to them. But there were just layers and layers of things that kept coming up.
What I'm here to tell you is that I really got a lot out of a therapy group for women with similar issues that my doctor sent me to. Much, much more than talking individually. That was fine too but seeing the experiences and patterns in common among the group members was incredibly helpful for me. Even if you don't join a group, I think reading about #metoo experiences may help a lot to see how normal and actually functional your responses up to this point have been.
posted by BibiRose at 3:03 PM on March 22, 2021 [6 favorites]
What I'm here to tell you is that I really got a lot out of a therapy group for women with similar issues that my doctor sent me to. Much, much more than talking individually. That was fine too but seeing the experiences and patterns in common among the group members was incredibly helpful for me. Even if you don't join a group, I think reading about #metoo experiences may help a lot to see how normal and actually functional your responses up to this point have been.
posted by BibiRose at 3:03 PM on March 22, 2021 [6 favorites]
Mod note: Few comments removed. Do not edit your comments for content.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 3:07 PM on March 22, 2021 [2 favorites]
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 3:07 PM on March 22, 2021 [2 favorites]
I'm so sorry. I validate you and your experience. It is horrible and you did not deserve to be treated that way for any reason.
Therapy isn't the only way to go, but honestly, I think of this as the kind of situation where all of a sudden, you realize the pipes in your house have completely gone to shit. Like yeah, you could 100% DIY it if you feel like it, but sometimes you want an expert on your side. Especially for something as important as a house, and you are far more important than a metaphorical house.
I hope I'm not reading too much between the lines here but it seems you are hesitant or against the idea of therapy. Which is okay, not everyone has positive experiences seeking help for their mental health. I would recommend, however, that you stick a pinkie toe into that water. Who are the mental health providers around you? Are they accepting new patients, do they accept your insurance/have reasonable fees? Are their reviews good? What types of therapy do they provide or specialize in? Are there any trauma support groups near you? When/where do they meet?
I'm suggesting all this because, well, processing trauma takes up a lot of human bandwidth on a day-to-day basis. And if your quality of life suffers due to the fact that your brain and body are trying to adjust to the trauma (neglecting hygiene, eating, losing sleep, etc), it's a lot harder to... get the ball rolling, instead of arming yourself before the worst sets in with a formal support and coping skills. An individual therapist may have you schedule a few weeks out anyway, so, if it's within your means, starting earlier rather than later is better. If you're still unsure about therapy, maybe bring it up with a few friends (no need to go into details, just "I think I might need to get a therapist, do you have any experience with a counselor / what that was like?") and see what they say. You can ask online too (hello! I've been in therapy on and off for 12 years!), but you're going to trust what your friends say far more, which is natural. If this is a hard subject to bring up with friends, it's okay to let them know that you feel uncomfortable mentioning it, but you need their extra support right now. Acknowledging the discomfort up front and asking for support is kind of the cheat code of talking to people.
I'm hammering on the therapy thing because a lot of my experience moving on from my own sexual assault trauma was about naming and defining my experiences and feelings, and wrestling with what those things meant. As an example, do I identify more with the label of "survivor" or "victim" of sexual assault? What are the implications of those words? Which is more accurate, which helps me move on more? (Neither of them are great imo! That's part of the fun, some of this shit is impossible to "wear well.")
It's very nonlinear, and nobody's day 100 of dealing with these questions looks like anyone else's day 100. That's normal, but also pretty discouraging; some of what therapists provide is context for what is "normal" in a very non-normal part of life. And talking to another human about this lets you word a little better, too; they'll ask questions that help you examine these ideas from a lot of different angles, over time, until some of it fits back together again.
Two more things and then I'll stop, I promise.
1. If exercise isn't a thing in your life, I would recommend taking some steps towards adding it in. Trauma is stored in the body and brain, not just the mind, and exercise (and crying!) will help you release it, when you are ready.
2. When you are up to it, I have found reading about others' experiences to be helpful, especially when they're not the lovey kind of "I forgave my rapist" kind of thing. Some people get there, but most of us won't, or at least won't in the immediate future, and that's fine.
So, some reading list items for you (books only, I don't keep record of articles, sadly):
What We Talk About When We Talk About Rape
Burn It Down: Women Writing About Anger
What My Mother and I Don't Talk About
The Body Keeps the Score
Broad Strokes- particularly the chapter on Artemisia Gentileschi and her depiction of Judith and Holofernes
Not specific to sexual assault, but I'll always recommend Pema Chodron's When Things Fall Apart.
Again, I am very sorry, and want to emphasize that I believe you and know you had no part in causing this hurt. I am thinking well of you and hope for the best. It's hard, but it will get better; and then it will be hard again, and it will get better again. Nothing good can stay, but nothing bad does, either. Every step you take, every feeling you have is legitimate and real and important. Please be so very gentle with yourself, Quincy.
posted by snerson at 8:06 PM on March 22, 2021 [3 favorites]
Therapy isn't the only way to go, but honestly, I think of this as the kind of situation where all of a sudden, you realize the pipes in your house have completely gone to shit. Like yeah, you could 100% DIY it if you feel like it, but sometimes you want an expert on your side. Especially for something as important as a house, and you are far more important than a metaphorical house.
I hope I'm not reading too much between the lines here but it seems you are hesitant or against the idea of therapy. Which is okay, not everyone has positive experiences seeking help for their mental health. I would recommend, however, that you stick a pinkie toe into that water. Who are the mental health providers around you? Are they accepting new patients, do they accept your insurance/have reasonable fees? Are their reviews good? What types of therapy do they provide or specialize in? Are there any trauma support groups near you? When/where do they meet?
I'm suggesting all this because, well, processing trauma takes up a lot of human bandwidth on a day-to-day basis. And if your quality of life suffers due to the fact that your brain and body are trying to adjust to the trauma (neglecting hygiene, eating, losing sleep, etc), it's a lot harder to... get the ball rolling, instead of arming yourself before the worst sets in with a formal support and coping skills. An individual therapist may have you schedule a few weeks out anyway, so, if it's within your means, starting earlier rather than later is better. If you're still unsure about therapy, maybe bring it up with a few friends (no need to go into details, just "I think I might need to get a therapist, do you have any experience with a counselor / what that was like?") and see what they say. You can ask online too (hello! I've been in therapy on and off for 12 years!), but you're going to trust what your friends say far more, which is natural. If this is a hard subject to bring up with friends, it's okay to let them know that you feel uncomfortable mentioning it, but you need their extra support right now. Acknowledging the discomfort up front and asking for support is kind of the cheat code of talking to people.
I'm hammering on the therapy thing because a lot of my experience moving on from my own sexual assault trauma was about naming and defining my experiences and feelings, and wrestling with what those things meant. As an example, do I identify more with the label of "survivor" or "victim" of sexual assault? What are the implications of those words? Which is more accurate, which helps me move on more? (Neither of them are great imo! That's part of the fun, some of this shit is impossible to "wear well.")
It's very nonlinear, and nobody's day 100 of dealing with these questions looks like anyone else's day 100. That's normal, but also pretty discouraging; some of what therapists provide is context for what is "normal" in a very non-normal part of life. And talking to another human about this lets you word a little better, too; they'll ask questions that help you examine these ideas from a lot of different angles, over time, until some of it fits back together again.
Two more things and then I'll stop, I promise.
1. If exercise isn't a thing in your life, I would recommend taking some steps towards adding it in. Trauma is stored in the body and brain, not just the mind, and exercise (and crying!) will help you release it, when you are ready.
2. When you are up to it, I have found reading about others' experiences to be helpful, especially when they're not the lovey kind of "I forgave my rapist" kind of thing. Some people get there, but most of us won't, or at least won't in the immediate future, and that's fine.
So, some reading list items for you (books only, I don't keep record of articles, sadly):
What We Talk About When We Talk About Rape
Burn It Down: Women Writing About Anger
What My Mother and I Don't Talk About
The Body Keeps the Score
Broad Strokes- particularly the chapter on Artemisia Gentileschi and her depiction of Judith and Holofernes
Not specific to sexual assault, but I'll always recommend Pema Chodron's When Things Fall Apart.
Again, I am very sorry, and want to emphasize that I believe you and know you had no part in causing this hurt. I am thinking well of you and hope for the best. It's hard, but it will get better; and then it will be hard again, and it will get better again. Nothing good can stay, but nothing bad does, either. Every step you take, every feeling you have is legitimate and real and important. Please be so very gentle with yourself, Quincy.
posted by snerson at 8:06 PM on March 22, 2021 [3 favorites]
Since you say you are seeking validation...
Something in the tone of your post comes across to me that you are either blaming yourself or mad at yourself for reacting the way you did in the times immediately following the assaults. You are not dumb for reacting any way to trauma, there is no prescribed "way to react" and lots of people react in ways that seem against their own interest in the moment because that seems to be the best scenario at the time (such as when you apologized to the guy that assaulted you).
You were assaulted by a guy in your friend circle. Presumably had you taken an antagonistic stance in the time immediately following the assault you might have feared negative things happening. Maybe the friend group would become divided, maybe the assaulter would be mad at you and spread rumors, try to manipulate you into staying close to him, stalk you, who knows. So don't judge yourself for your reaction (apologizing) because it did at the time have some functional reason behind it. Apologizing to him for "leading him on" gave you an exit from any further sexual interactions from the assaulter. Forgive yourself for your reaction. It served it's purpose.
While you spent a lot of time thinking you were a horrible person, you were in fact not a horrible person. Forgive yourself.
posted by WeekendJen at 3:55 AM on March 23, 2021 [5 favorites]
Something in the tone of your post comes across to me that you are either blaming yourself or mad at yourself for reacting the way you did in the times immediately following the assaults. You are not dumb for reacting any way to trauma, there is no prescribed "way to react" and lots of people react in ways that seem against their own interest in the moment because that seems to be the best scenario at the time (such as when you apologized to the guy that assaulted you).
You were assaulted by a guy in your friend circle. Presumably had you taken an antagonistic stance in the time immediately following the assault you might have feared negative things happening. Maybe the friend group would become divided, maybe the assaulter would be mad at you and spread rumors, try to manipulate you into staying close to him, stalk you, who knows. So don't judge yourself for your reaction (apologizing) because it did at the time have some functional reason behind it. Apologizing to him for "leading him on" gave you an exit from any further sexual interactions from the assaulter. Forgive yourself for your reaction. It served it's purpose.
While you spent a lot of time thinking you were a horrible person, you were in fact not a horrible person. Forgive yourself.
posted by WeekendJen at 3:55 AM on March 23, 2021 [5 favorites]
I'm so sorry that happened to you. I absolutely do not think that your experience of re-evaluating and re-understanding that experience is strange or wrong, although it's clear that this feels really surprising to you.
There is a big, big difference between having a book-learning understanding of the concept of denial--where your brain literally does not recognize the truth of a situation because it is too painful to bear--and realizing the lived experience of what that really means. The shock and confusion that ring through your writing is, I think, to be expected.
Humans cope with trauma in complicated ways. Please be gentle with yourself. Respect that denial is a powerful coping mechanism with adaptive benefit. Know that you're safe from this guy--this instance is so far in the past--and let yourself process all the complicated and hard stuff you're feeling. Recognize that it's very common for people who've been assaulted, sexually or otherwise, to respond as though they were responsible even in situations where they very clearly were not, could not have been--this is a way of trying to regain a sense of control.
You probably know that child sexual assault victims and rape victims often take a very long time to acknowledge what happened to them. There are reasons why that happens that are well understood by people who work with assault survivors. Talking to someone with this expertise would probably be really helpful--they will be very familiar with the experience you're going through and the challenges of understanding your experience through a new lens.
Best of luck, friend.
posted by Sublimity at 5:57 AM on March 23, 2021 [2 favorites]
There is a big, big difference between having a book-learning understanding of the concept of denial--where your brain literally does not recognize the truth of a situation because it is too painful to bear--and realizing the lived experience of what that really means. The shock and confusion that ring through your writing is, I think, to be expected.
Humans cope with trauma in complicated ways. Please be gentle with yourself. Respect that denial is a powerful coping mechanism with adaptive benefit. Know that you're safe from this guy--this instance is so far in the past--and let yourself process all the complicated and hard stuff you're feeling. Recognize that it's very common for people who've been assaulted, sexually or otherwise, to respond as though they were responsible even in situations where they very clearly were not, could not have been--this is a way of trying to regain a sense of control.
You probably know that child sexual assault victims and rape victims often take a very long time to acknowledge what happened to them. There are reasons why that happens that are well understood by people who work with assault survivors. Talking to someone with this expertise would probably be really helpful--they will be very familiar with the experience you're going through and the challenges of understanding your experience through a new lens.
Best of luck, friend.
posted by Sublimity at 5:57 AM on March 23, 2021 [2 favorites]
The experience you describe is a shattered mirror of every date rape victim and me included. The psychology of the "cavalier Huntsman" on his mission of do-gooding to rescue the damsel he put in distress....Yes you need to be free of anger and from your pain. I do not recommend counseling . I am a survivor from a date rape myself which created in me a dissociative personality I blacked out all memory of until 10 years later and 5 therapists so far have only managed to make me prideful to a degree of hatred towards men and reverse my sexual spiritual growth. They called it social anxiety until I started self harming then talking about harming others. I just cant make a productive affirmation in a clinical setting. What i suggest is a group therapy, support group or even advocating for young women who might not have the courage we didnt have those nights to know we were in danger.
posted by The_imp_inimpossible at 3:51 AM on March 24, 2021 [2 favorites]
posted by The_imp_inimpossible at 3:51 AM on March 24, 2021 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
Second, people "write off" trauma all the time because they're not in a place where they can understand it or manage it. That doesn't mean it's not traumatic--in fact, it may be particularly so. It especially doesn't mean it's not "valid." The realization that our culture pushed you to spend years denying what happened and blaming yourself is its own form of trauma. If the thoughts continue to bother you, it's absolutely worth speaking to a therapist or to an assault survivors' support group in your area.
Be gentle with yourself. I wish you the best.
posted by praemunire at 12:52 PM on March 22, 2021 [12 favorites]