Figuring out my own emotions after a scary incident
March 12, 2021 5:52 PM   Subscribe

A and I have been together for the better part of a decade. Recently there was a moment where their temper flared and I was worried about being struck by a chair. It happened over a week ago and I'm still trying to sort out my own feelings on what happened and how to move forward. Any help or advice would be appreciated.

This was part of an extended conversation about how I choose to spend my time in the pandemic, and both how us having a fairly small shared space as we both try and work from home during this difficult time. I was going to be spending my lunch time with some colleagues chatting and playing card games. A had blown up about this before, and the agreement was I should tell them in the morning if I had time/was planning to attend, so they could go sit on the balcony or create space if needed.

I did that the morning in question as I was on my way to the kitchen, which sits in the middle between our two work spaces. I said essentially, hey, I'm planning on doing this today, let me know if that doesn't work for you because of meetings or other factors, trying to be upbeat and cheerful given the past unpleasantness. Apparently A had woken up fairly recently and had a lot of stress with work emails because they came in talking about how they were too stressed to handle this now and didn't have the capacity to deal with it later. For context A sits in the living room and I'm in the dining room, connected by a hallway with no doors.

The conversation escalated from there, but go to a point where A's emotions were overwhelming them. They picked up a chair, held it legs out towards me, then set it down roughly enough to crack the support. I was seated in my computer chair facing them. I was pretty full of adrenaline after that, my thoughts were definitely am I about to be hit with this chair as they were 3-4 feet away. It pulled me out of myself and the moment, disassociating myself from the immediate reality. I tried to get back to myself and focused on the crack in the chair almost as a talisman to help me recollect my thoughts.

Since then I'm really not sure what I feel about all this and what I need to do next. I love my partner very much. When we are clicking this relationship feels like it's the most wonderful thing in the world and it's joyful and rejuvenating. That said I do feel that I have to fit myself between their frustration incidents sometimes, and this most recent example made me realize that I might do that more than I ever thought I would. I have a few strong boundaries that I have to reinforce, but overall I feel like I'm pretty happy compromising if A feels strongly about something. I find they tend to expect me to intuit there desires more, and I guide things more with what I know might upset them.

A did restart therapy, the focus I believe being their anger, as well as potential medication for anxiety and depression. This is more of a long chain conversation, though the specific results of a week ago did put a fire under them to actually get things scheduled and more actively moving in that process.

I guess I'm just sort of stuck. I love them very much and the good times I wouldn't trade for anything. But they've been a bit surprised it has taken me over a week now of fairly separated time (we've been mainly keeping to our spaces and not engaging much at all) to come around on this. I was trying to do a slower integration, building smaller moments of love and affection up help heal the rift, but A felt that was too much of a yoyo on their emotions and now has totally retreated to the bedroom until I'm ready to fully reconcile.

I'd love to! But the conversations we've had have felt more focused on it takes 2 to tango to me. There's a lot of words about us both changing in couples therapy for instance, and when I push back on that, I'm angrily told either I'm not perfect either or that what do I think therapy is for if not to make big changes to come together, and that they've acknowledged that they are going to have to change too. Or that while they absolutely went to far, me dropping this on them Wednesday morning was too much and overwhelming.

I just don't know how to sort of the good from the bad. At times I can still see them standing over/in front of me with the chair, and other times I can't believe we're not loving each other and being together to support each other in this difficult time. How can I figure out a way forward and what are good things to think about to help me sort this out? What is a reasonable timeframe to navigate this? I very much would like to stop feeling happy one moment and then sad the next, and to stop the checkins we've had from spiraling down into frustration.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (34 answers total) 5 users marked this as a favorite
 
It sounds like your partner was feeling exceptionally frayed and they were low in coping resources.

They picked up a chair, held it legs out towards me, then set it down roughly enough to crack the support.

You felt adrenaline and wondered if you were about to be hit by the chair. Your body was doing its job - observing and responding. And it is rational for you to experience those feelings even if your partner had no intention to hit you with the chair.

I wasn't there of course, and I wasn't sitting in your chair, but I can see this imagery of your partner holding the chair as defensive. Maybe in that moment they felt that your activities and/or approach was threatening to them, and picking up the chair and holding it in front of them was a defensive physical response to an emotional threat.

One thing that might help - although it is very challenging to be as honest as possible - is to sincerely interrogate the ways your activities/attitudes/approaches may be draining your partner's coping resources, or not contributing to their replenishment. You can do some extraordinary things with that knowledge once you have it.
posted by Thella at 6:38 PM on March 12, 2021 [1 favorite]


You were not “about to be struck by a chair”

Your partner threatened to hit you with a chair.

Please stop using the passive voice to describe this incident. Implicate your partner in their own actions. Use accountable language. Your partner nearly clocked you in the face with a fucking chair.

To the person who described a standing furious explosively angry person holding a chair out at a seated person as “defensive”, and then BREAKING IT? nope nope nope. This was not defence, it was toeing the line of an attack!!

Yes you had adrenaline because your body was begging you to run before this person broke your nose.

Your partner will almost certainly escalate this behaviour into full on physical abuse.

Please make a safe plan to exit this relationship.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 6:58 PM on March 12, 2021 [65 favorites]


Recently there was a moment where their temper flared and I was worried about being struck by a chair.

It's interesting that you're framing it this way. You weren't worried about a chair striking you on its own accord. It sounds like what you were actually worried about was your partner striking you with the chair.

It's an upsetting and horrible thing to have to be worried about; no wonder your emotions are all over the place.

I have to fit myself between their frustration incidents [...] A felt that was too much of a yoyo on their emotions and now has totally retreated to the bedroom until I'm ready to fully reconcile. [...] Or that while they absolutely went to far, me dropping this on them Wednesday morning was too much and overwhelming.

Seems like you're already pretty used to shaving yourself down to stop A from being provoked. It also seems that A's used to telling you things are your fault, and punishing you (giving you the silent treatment by retreating to the bedroom) when you won't see things their way. I agree with metabaroque that it sounds like there are things to be concerned about here apart from the chair incident.

Can you look into getting counseling just for yourself? Not couples counseling. Given how A's presenting some of this ("takes two to tango," "make big changes to come together," "too much of a yoyo on their emotions," etc.), it seems like A might use that to try to twist you around even more. If counseling isn't an option, try to find a trusted friend, family member, religious leader, etc. who can be on just your side and give you an outside view and some support. I know it's incredibly difficult right now, but if there's any way for you to get out of the house to talk to someone, so much the better. Do everything you can - carefully, and keeping your safety in mind - to get yourself some space and someone to talk to.
posted by pie ninja at 7:01 PM on March 12, 2021 [27 favorites]


Either A is in crisis and needs professional intervention for both your sakes OR they are and have been unacceptably emotionally controlling and now have begun initiating violence to control you.

It's this that rings the dour bell to me: A felt that was too much of a yoyo on their emotions and now has totally retreated to the bedroom until I'm ready to fully reconcile

And I think maybe A should just stay in their bedroom until one of you is removed from the situation, at least temporarily if not permanently. They either cannot abide you needing recovery time from them threatening to harm or kill you or wish to punish you for putting your needs "above" theirs. Neither option is okay.

I'll confess I don't understand exactly what this most recent inciting incident was exactly - were you having people physically visit your shared space? Were you going to be on a virtual recreational event? It could dramatically change the power dynamic/situation if you are having people over against A's will, that is way over the line for some people and could be enough to make someone panic, but I think I'm reading that you warned them you would be interacting online with your work colleagues and just telling A that it would be happening it was...too much for them to deal with? Is this a frustration about a small shared space and a bit of extra noise?

I definitely get that people are really struggling having to live and work in small spaces with people they only planned to do one of those two things with, but this is still not an appropriate way to be frustrated OR handle the frustration.

Do you or they have anywhere else to go? For a few months at least? I realize there's a pandemic on and you may be in a difficult position here.

People in abusive relationships should not go to couples counseling. Abusers will often charm and manipulate the therapist, and/or co-opt therapeutic concepts to veneer their abuse - for example, refusing to engage "because it's too much of an emotional yoyo" to be confronted about almost beating you with a chair, or always insist "both sides" or "two to tango" instead of ever claiming responsibility for their behavior, particularly a clear-cut never-okay violation like picking up a chair.

I am willing to leave room for A to be in real legitimate trouble right now; people are burning out hard right now. But if that is the case, that is an emergency that has to be dealt with before anything else and you need to be in a safe place until that treatment is underway. I don't think reconciliation is possible, and it does not seem like you are safe, until they are in a place to grapple with not just this particular act of physical violence but also the general eggshell position they've been putting you in for some time. And that's not going to happen until they are not in active burnout, and until you can feel safe in their presence.
posted by Lyn Never at 7:12 PM on March 12, 2021 [32 favorites]


A's got you so pretzeled up trying to avoid their anger that you can't even talk straight to us.

You "almost got struck by a chair"? No, A picked up a chair, brandished it at you, and then threw it down so hard it broke. Thank god for small mercies I guess, but do you really want to keep wondering, next time they pick up a chair, if they're going to throw it down again, or at you that time?

You know what else they could have done if you really had been the one aggravating them? They could have left the room. Even left the apartment. Not threatened you with a chair.

You're afraid of your partner, and rightly so. You don't owe love or loyalty to people who frighten and threaten you.

[ETA sorry I stopped reading before I got to the part where they're punishing you with a silent treatment for not just papering over what happened. That's even worse. DTMFA.]
posted by fingersandtoes at 7:15 PM on March 12, 2021 [57 favorites]


I’m sorry this happened. Your partner is abusive, full stop. Brains are amazing things—they alert us when danger is here and secrete the right hormones and neurotransmitters to prepare for flight, or fight. They also dissociate to try to protect us from the trauma right in front of us. But they can also rationalize the hell out of bad situations to avoid the pain that comes with realizing a person we love could also be a person who scares and hurts us.

Do not spend time trying to understand how you are supposed to prevent another person from being violent with you. You don’t need to sort the good from the bad because when abuse is involved, the good doesn’t matter. Spend time protecting yourself. You don’t sound like you’re ready to leave, but let yourself think about an exit plan and pack an emergency bag in case in the future you need to make a quick exit.
posted by namemeansgazelle at 7:27 PM on March 12, 2021 [8 favorites]


being struck by a chair.

Your partner threatened to hit you with a chair. Don't sugarcoat this.

I've said this before in other asks, but: if this isn't bad enough to end the relationship, what would they have to do that is? Would it have to be worse than this?

Do you want to be the person "worse than this" happens to?
posted by mhoye at 7:31 PM on March 12, 2021 [22 favorites]


This is really unacceptable and would be a deal breaker for me. The complete lack of remorse and silent demand that you get over this and also take responsibility for 'your half' is outrageous. You've already made yourself so small to accommodate them and now they're asking you to put their escalating abuse behind you. It's time to leave. There's not anything left to work on here. I'm sorry, but I think it's time to make a safe exit plan.
posted by quince at 7:34 PM on March 12, 2021 [39 favorites]


Staying in this dialogue of interactions may permanently affect the hardwiring or neurology of your brain (including your mind and perception). Highly recommend at least taking an extended or permanent break to understand how you feel.

Violence doesn't always mean physical contact, these interactions are considered "violent."

When you take a leave of absence from a person who commits to this style of communication, the likelihood of teaching this is not a way to communicate is quite high. Absence serves both parties.
posted by firstdaffodils at 7:34 PM on March 12, 2021 [9 favorites]


Was the person holding a chair a guy, or girl?

Irrelevant. Please don’t perpetuate the stereotype that women can’t/don’t use violence or the threat of violence to successfully abuse, control, intimidate. This only hurts victims of every gender.
posted by blue suede stockings at 7:35 PM on March 12, 2021 [35 favorites]


Addendum: the answer may become incredibly clear to you, when you're away from the situation. You know yourself best.
posted by firstdaffodils at 7:40 PM on March 12, 2021 [1 favorite]


Mod note: One deleted; OP has chosen to obscure the genders of the people involved. Please respect that.
posted by Eyebrows McGee (staff) at 7:41 PM on March 12, 2021 [3 favorites]


The part of you that’s hoping against hope that your partner will magically become the person they sometimes seem to be (the good times you speak of) is catching up to the part of you that’s realizing what kind of person they really are (the kind that has “frustration incidents” aka violent threatening abusive rages.)

Of course they’re not pure evil and it’s not hell all the time. Of course they may be suffering. But that doesn’t make abuse any less abusive.

I don’t mean to scare you by using an extreme word but I do want to introduce that into your mental vocabulary for what’s happening. Sounds like even absent the chair thing, you’re generally walking on eggshells between bouts of your partner losing control.
posted by kapers at 7:53 PM on March 12, 2021 [13 favorites]


This is very disturbing. Your partner threatened to hit you with a chair, threw the chair with enough force to damage it, and is now giving you the silent treatment until you "fully reconcile," which, it sounds, means not discussing the incident or giving you space to process it? What assurances have they given you that they realize that they seriously crossed a line here, and that they are taking concrete actions to manage their emotions so this doesn't happen again?

I mean, I get it, there's a pandemic. Everyone seems to be a bit more "lit" than usual right now - but domestic violence and abuse are also way, way up right now. I would strongly encourage to seek counseling and consider finding somewhere else to stay while you re-evaluate the relationship.
posted by dancing_angel at 7:53 PM on March 12, 2021 [12 favorites]


I have a real temper with which I've struggled all my life, and I'm sure it would be very frayed after a year cooped up even with a dear loved one with the plague outside. But if I ever found myself physically threatening a loved one in the course of a fight, I'd be horrified. I'd be racing to therapy. I'd probably be moving out because I would be so afraid I'd do it again.

Here's what I would not be doing: demanding that my loved one get it over immediately, and withdrawing to sulk because they didn't.

Which is to say: to me, under the present insane circumstances, this incident is right on the edge of the hard boundary of abuse. What tips it one way or the other is the person's reaction afterwards. Do they recognize what they did is unacceptable, and take real steps to hold themselves accountable? (I don't mean just sending you flowers--I mean things that cost them and commit them.) Or do they try to minimize and turn it around on you?

I think you know the answer.
posted by praemunire at 8:47 PM on March 12, 2021 [54 favorites]


How can I figure out a way forward and what are good things to think about to help me sort this out?

This sounds very frightening and I am so sorry your partner did this to you. I want to suggest, gently, that you look at this image describing the cycle of domestic violence and see if it seems to describe the process you go through around your partner's "frustration incidents."

I also think you should review this description of the cycle of domestic violence that specifies that abusers often fantasize about abusing their partners and then set them up for abuse, and then consider if that is what happened when your partner asked you to tell them in the morning if you planned to play cards, then, when you told them in the morning that you planned to play cards, told you it was too early to tell them you planned to play cards, and then brandished a chair at you.

Deciding whether this was an incident of abuse and deciding whether it is acceptable behavior in your life can be separate decisions. I personally decided a few years ago that I do not live with people who have these kinds of outbursts. If you decide something similar, I think it's worth some private research on safe ways to move out with a local domestic violence org. Hopefully you are not in danger, but more information is usually better.

I hope you can take good care of yourself and feel better and safer soon.
posted by Snarl Furillo at 9:16 PM on March 12, 2021 [15 favorites]


Your partner saw terror in your eyes followed by days upon days of stunned caution and has responded with....it takes two to tango?

But really, I still cannot get past the point that you need to ask permission to see friends during your lunch hour, and when you do ask permission, the very request is too much for them to handle due to their stress.

Nobody is perfect, sometimes good people snap...but good people don't snap for a reason like that one.
posted by coffeecat at 12:04 AM on March 13, 2021 [26 favorites]


Your partner is right that it takes two to tango and if you are going to have a healthy long term relationship, you both need to understand their side of what is happening and how you can both work together better.

However, before you get to that point, there are some things that you need to figure out
1. does your partner understand that you felt truly threatened by them (whether or not that was their intent)?
2. do they care that you felt that way, do they regret that they did something that made you feel so scared (again whether or not that was the intent)?
3. do they agree that violence and threats of violence don't belong in your relationship and need to be avoided (regardless of provocation)?

If you have those three things in place, then there is room to talk about the larger pattern of what is happening, including their side of it. If you don't have all of those things, then before you talk about the tango, you need to be deal with your legitimate worry that this could happen again and your relationship could be heading into a dysfunctional cycle of violence and control that is unhealthy and hopefully unacceptable.

If your partner is making this all about themself and the only path forward is for you to act as if what happened was unimportant or less important than their feelings then that is big waning sign. Two to tango means they have to be dancing too. And in a case like this, your partner need to be concerned about you before demanding that you take care of them.
posted by metahawk at 1:02 AM on March 13, 2021 [2 favorites]


You mentioned your partner is saying “It takes two to tango”. I work for a domestic violence agency, and one of the things we are adamant about is that no, that is a myth. There is never an excuse for domestic violence. We get calls from people wanting couples counseling, but we don’t offer couples counseling because that implies both parties are at fault, and that is absolutely not true when there is domestic violence involved.

And along those lines, you can contact a domestic violence agency and ask for counseling for yourself in regards to this. You don’t have to have decided that you are leaving your partner - they can help you decide if this is indeed domestic violence or not, and they will support you even if you decide to stay. They will help you come up with a safety plan, and help you with resources. This can all be done via phone or zoom-type meetings. Some agencies will also offer counseling to the abuser (although at my agency we only offer it when it’s court-ordered.)

If you are in the USA, you can go to DomesticShelters.org and enter your zip code, and it will find agencies near you. They also have a ton of very good articles about domestic violence that may help you.

If you’re outside the USA, you can go to HotPeachPages.net, and on the menu click the link for “Agencies”, and it will take you to a page of listings for all over the world. (I just noticed there’s some gendered language on that page, but in general, domestic violence agencies recognize that anyone can be on either end of domestic violence.)

If you want any other info, feel free to MeMail me.
posted by MexicanYenta at 1:30 AM on March 13, 2021 [29 favorites]


I was trying to do a slower integration, building smaller moments of love and affection up help heal the rift, but A felt that was too much of a yoyo on their emotions and now has totally retreated to the bedroom until I'm ready to fully reconcile.

And how, exactly, are you supposed to get over this all by yourself?

I understand you love this person but that doesn't make them a good partner. Ava Braun loved Hitler. Children love the parents who hit them. Love is not the barometer for a healthy relationship.
posted by DarlingBri at 2:30 AM on March 13, 2021 [14 favorites]


How can I figure out a way forward and what are good things to think about to help me sort this out? What is a reasonable timeframe to navigate this? I very much would like to stop feeling happy one moment and then sad the next, and to stop the checkins we've had from spiraling down into frustration.

Good things to think about:

- do you like being threatened?

- do you like being afraid?

- do you like walking on eggshells and having your thoughts and needs invalidated?

- do you like the thought of watching these things escalate until that mysterious autonomous chair is somehow, all by itself, bruising and battering you?

Your way forward: is to remove the person who is doing these things from your life.

A reasonable timeframe: is right now.
posted by WaywardPlane at 4:04 AM on March 13, 2021 [10 favorites]


I have been a partner whose emotional reactions were intense, unpredictable, often out of proportion, and frightening to my partner. I absolutely understand why people are saying your partner is horrible and dangerous and encouraging you to leave. The problem is that we don't know your partner, but you do. You see them when they are being funny and sweet and caring and interesting and all the things you love about them. It is very understandable that you want to do what you can to make your partner happy, to accommodate their needs and be as flexible and compromising as you can to make that happen. That's what being in a partnership is, right?

However, this is my perspective: the fact that your partner is not able or willing to take their behaviour seriously as a problem that is hurting you, sees this as a "it takes two to tango" situation, and is not engaging with this incident as an incredibly scary warning sign that they are in some sort of emotional crisis that needs resolving with a sense of absolute urgency and commitment that really looks like examining their entire life and turning it around... That is even scarier than the threat of physical violence to me- which is already terribly frightening.

Look: I was a person in a relationship in which it was true that I both loved and cared for my partner incredibly deeply and also emotionally hurt her, repeatedly, through my inability to handle my emotions. It took a long cycle of trying to reconcile the good of our relationship with my emotional abuse and feeling unbelievably pained and guilty and terrified of myself and desperately trying to change the dynamic, but eventually I did come to terms with the fact that my mental health problems, my emotional instability, and my obvious willingness to act them out in ways that hurt and frightened my partner meant it was my responsibility to end the relationship. I was not able to be a good partner to her because of the damage already done, and I would not have been able to sort my shit out and become an emotionally continent person without being single, and without also removing myself from what had become a toxic cycle of incident-torment & guilt-patching things up- incident. The damage was too built in to the relationship by that stage. It was awful, it was heart-breaking, my partner was very sad because we did love each other very much and were good together in many ways, but it absolutely was the right decision for both of us.

There was no way she could have egg-shell-trodden her way into me being a healthy and responsible romantic partner. There was no way I could have turned myself into a healthy and responsible romantic partner without a long period of being single and doing a lot of work on myself. And I took that responsibility on. Your partner is denying their responsibility to you and the relationship, and ultimately to themselves.

I see much of my ex-partner in your question. You deserve someone who gives you all the great things about a relationship without all this fear and twistiness and walking on egg-shells and confusion. You deserve to be loved by someone who takes responsibility for themselves and would work very hard to never be the one to hurt you.

As someone who has done the hurting, it was my love that made me let go and allow my ex to live a life without an emotional timebomb in it, and find the person who would be good for her. The fact that your partner's love is making them hold tighter on to you and wind you closer and closer into a pattern of abuse and control is incredibly concerning to me. I think sadly you need to be the strong one and do the painful thing of leaving, because your partner just isn't doing what they should be doing if there was a hope for this relationship to not be harmful to you.
posted by Balthamos at 4:50 AM on March 13, 2021 [38 favorites]


A person holding a chair and threatening physical violence against a total stranger in a bar would get thrown out and told never to come back.

And you've been in a relationship with them for ten years?

Friend, you should throw this motherfucker right out of your life and tell them to never come back.

Safely, of course.
posted by seanmpuckett at 5:42 AM on March 13, 2021 [7 favorites]


I am a person with anxiety and a short temper. If I am overstimulated--which could just be two people I really need to pay attention to talking to me at the same time--I get angry. I have snapped at people it was COMPLETELY inappropriate for me to snap at. It's a work in progress, and medication has been a big part of that.

It is never the other person's fault. I mean, maybe if they were taunting me on purpose, but never in my experience, even when the person was being careless and objectively annoying and wrong, was it their fault that I yelled at them. It is my job to remove myself, and it's embarrassing to say "Oh, god, I'm freaking out and I can't deal with this right now" and remove yourself from the situation for a minute so you can put all your other worries aside and focus on this one thing for the duration of the conversation. It's hard. But it's necessary and possible and this person is NOT fulfilling their responsibilities as a person in the world.

Once in my life have I raised a hand to someone in anger. I drew back my fist like I was going to hit them. I brought my hand down, stopped immediately. It remains the thing I think I'm most ashamed of doing. It was 20 years ago and I still think of it sometimes. Even the instant it happened, I knew it was awful, backed down immediately.

I feel for your partner, I do. The tension, the stress, and the overwhelm are real. The behavior is still wrong, and if they can't admit and articulate that (in addition to taking action, which it sounds like they're doing to an extent), then you still need to go.
posted by gideonfrog at 6:18 AM on March 13, 2021 [20 favorites]


Here is a resource in case you need it (they have a hotline, where if you want you can talk to a trained advocate who can help you make a safety plan): The Hotline. This link also has a more comprehensive list of hotlines/resources.
posted by panther of the pyrenees at 8:55 AM on March 13, 2021 [1 favorite]


You have a lot to think about here and a number of good answers to consider, so I won't add too much to the noise. But I will say that I have been in (almost) your exact position. In my partner's case, once his anxiety/anger attacks had manifested into violence (against his surroundings, not me) and self-harm, I made it clear he either had to get help or I would leave for good. He chose to get help, got medicated for his anxiety disorder and therapy, and is now the happiest and calmest he's been in decades.

Your partner needs to do the same. That is the bottom line. They need to solve the problem that's coming from inside the house, namely their frustration and inability to argue without escalating to violence. It sounds like they're on a hair trigger and they need to learn to either deal with that or find out what's causing them to live at this state of heightened anger. If they're stressed out by their job, they need to address and mitigate that. If they're stressed by the pandemic situation, same deal. Plenty of people are getting through this without slamming chairs around.

A did restart therapy, the focus I believe being their anger, as well as potential medication for anxiety and depression.

If this is implying that they've been diagnosed with anxiety and depression and have been recommended medication, then this needs to be at the very top of the list of things they need to do. As in, tomorrow. They need to get the appointment ASAP and get the meds. Any less than that isn't enough.

I very much would like to stop feeling happy one moment and then sad the next, and to stop the checkins we've had from spiraling down into frustration.

Can you get out of the house for a while? A few days or even a week or so? You two desperately need space from each other. You also need space to deal with what you've been through. I'm not kidding when I say this has probably had a very profound impact on you that you might not realise for a while. PTSD is a thing you may need to look out for.

Also, please remember that you do not "need" to feel any way or another right now. Your sadness is as valid as your happiness. You do not need to be the one in charge here. It's monstrously unfair of you to be put into the position of babysitting an adult you should be getting love and support from. Be angry about that if you need to. Find happiness and comfort where you can and don't begrudge yourself it because you're "supposed" to be X or Y. Take care of yourself first, always.

Feel free to memail me if you need to.
posted by fight or flight at 9:07 AM on March 13, 2021 [10 favorites]


Yeah, I think there is a pretty easy way to tell if they're going to be abusive. When you describe how you felt, do they listen and accept that your feelings are your own or do they argue about their INTENT/blame you somehow? The second means this will happen again in some different form.

I have ADHD which often manifests as an extreme reaction to quick stressful situations. If something falls and breaks or someone screams, I will panic and it can come out in different ways (not violent, not abusive) and the reaction is intense. Like I might recoil or shout in a panic. Anyway, I've had to work really hard on myself and communicate with my partner to #1 mitigate these events as quickly as possible #2 let them know that because of how my brain is wired it's VERY HARD to control a split second reaction. #3 that I will return literally within 5-10 seconds. She had trauma around yelling in her past so my reactions weren't great for her!

If I was a different person, I could've done a few not great things when this came up in our relationship. I could have doubled down, I could have made it her fault, I could have ... done so many things that were much easier in the moment or on my brain than actively seek to understand both of our brains and how best to accommodate and trust.

So you need A to be willing to do that. They're in therapy, good! You might want to talk to someone too. You might both want to talk to someone together. If you can meet neutrally to talk about it yourselves, awesome. I find that talking about how you were raised/what shaped you into the person you are now is a good starting point for understanding where you both are now.

If A ignores or gaslights your feelings or tries to blame you... run the f away as fast as you can. There is no contorting of yourself that you can do to make someone want to grow and be a supportive, warm partner.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 12:30 PM on March 13, 2021 [4 favorites]


I too am a bit unclear what the original problem that resulted in the chair bring brandished was. It sounds like A is somehow so (what? Disturbed? Inconvinced? Upset?) affected by you spending your lunch hour chatting with co workers on the computer, that they nearly threw furniture at you. If I have that right, and the way I read your explanation of the situation leading up to the chair thing is correct, that fact in and of itself is extremely worrisome. That's some really controlling behavior. You may be in a more serious situation than you realize, and I urge you to find a way to contact a domestic violence hot line without A knowing about it. Speak to the hot line about what is going on so they can help you determine what level of concern there is for your safety, and offer help with reasources and exit plans if it seems necessary. The pandemic makes all of this harder on everybody so please don't feel like you have to figure this all out on your own.

Having said all that, don't get pushed into feeling like you have to or ought to leave right away or at all, if that isn't the best choice for you. You know your situation better than any of us, so do what feels best to you, but keep in mind that A's behavior here is a bright red flag and you are right to be concerned and even right to leave temporarily or permanently because of it if you choose.
posted by WalkerWestridge at 1:51 PM on March 13, 2021 [6 favorites]


I also want to reassure you, OP, that even if you had a time-rewinder and could go back and see if they ever really would have thrown the chair or if it was a half-formed idea or etc, the uncertainty is enough. You don't have to wait to "prove" that your partner is abusive. You don't owe it to anyone to believe them that "they'd never really do it." Being scared is enough. Some people might decide to see if their partner can change, some people's partners really do change. It's okay to not be the person who waits and sees. You get to decide what is enough.
posted by nakedmolerats at 2:54 PM on March 13, 2021 [7 favorites]


Since then I'm really not sure what I feel about all this and what I need to do next. I love my partner very much. When we are clicking this relationship feels like it's the most wonderful thing in the world and it's joyful and rejuvenating. That said I do feel that I have to fit myself between their frustration incidents sometimes, and this most recent example made me realize that I might do that more than I ever thought I would.

If you've ever wondered how a person can stay in an obviously unhealthy or abusive relationship for so long, it's often because the good times feel so good.

From what you described, the chair incident caused this response in you because it went past the emotional abuse you're used to absorbing, into the realm of physical abuse, where you felt like your life was in danger. That is a very jarring line to cross.

You may not feel like you're ready to leave the relationship at this time, but it's worth thinking about if you can spend some real time apart, in separate places.
posted by wondermouse at 6:41 PM on March 13, 2021 [5 favorites]


When your partner tells you that this situation happened because it takes two to tango, what they’re really saying is that next time you do something to upset them, they’ll feel justified in doing the same or worse. I would not stick around to find out how that plays out.
posted by Jubey at 7:09 PM on March 13, 2021 [6 favorites]


When someone is physically threatening, and that's exactly what happened, you are on the path to abuse. Sometimes, the person behaving in a threatening manner can stop doing that. It's really important, for your safety, that you make it clear that the behavior will absolutely not be tolerated, and not discuss whether it was okay. This is a deal-breaker. Your relationship is at a tipping point. Be extremely cautious.
posted by theora55 at 2:44 PM on March 14, 2021 [1 favorite]


It sounds like this person has shifted your baseline for what to expect in a relationship so I just want to give you an example of what I think has been a pretty healthy relationship for about 10 years, despite some really stressful times.

Here’s what I think is a solid baseline of expectations for a partner. This isn’t rare- it’s what every single serious partner I’ve ever had has delivered for years at a time.

My partner has never hit me, pushed me, or touched me in anger.

My partner has never thrown or bashed an object or slammed a door or punched a wall or expressed emotions with physical roughness towards me or any object.

My partner has never done anything physical or sexual without my express physical consent and full participation. Like not even a hug, certainly nothing sexual. If things were weird and he wanted to initiate contact he might hold out his hand and look at me gently.

My partner has never called me names. The harshest things he’s ever said to me, in a calm voice, are “I think you’re being selfish about this”, “I find you get defensive when I express my needs”, and a couple times he has snapped, but not loudly, “can you stop that please?” when I was being loud while he was on a work call.

About once a year he does something I really don’t like and I’ve called it out. When that happens he has never blamed it on me- he might be verbally defensive or try to explain what he intended, but he doesn’t shift blame or tell me it’s partly my fault, and within about an hour he apologizes and then never does that thing again.

I have never been scared of him for even one single nanosecond.

He has never ever done anything that made me feel unsafe, or afraid for our possessions, pets, or child.

I always know where he is- no mystery late nights out or coming home late.

I have never wondered if he would leave me.

When my partner is furious at me, he basically expresses it by not bringing me snacks any more, plus he doesn’t goof off with me, doesn’t use nicknames, he lessens his level of eye contact by about 50%, and he doesn’t smile at me. During this time he still talks to me politely when needed, says goodbye before leaving the house. He basically downgrades to “polite respectful roommate”. It does not feel like the silent treatment and it does not make me feel small or scared. It feels like a bit of respectful distance so we can clarify what we need to talk about. And we still sit in the same room and sleep in the same bed without touching. The longest this has ever lasted was a couple of days.

We solve problems within a few days, in a conversation that usually takes 20-60 minutes, involves zero raised voices, no names called, no slamming or anger, and ends in cuddling and visibly changed behaviour that lasts for years.

This is the baseline I expect from a respectful adult relationship. I hope you can find it too.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 3:27 PM on March 15, 2021 [8 favorites]


I just wanted to add that abuse can develop pretty slowly sometimes. The textbook or movie abusive relationship gets intense quickly and then the abuse escalates quickly, but that isn't always the case; it can spin up much more slowly or manifest after events like a job loss or a pregnancy. (These things aren't excuses for abuse! But they can be triggers). It is totally possible for the good times to exist and for abusive behavior to also be present. If you can read it safely, I would recommend Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft--it focuses on men abusing women, but I think the insight into an abuser's mindset is relevant to all gender identities.
Most abusers don't actually "lose control", or get truly overwhelmed by their emotions; they make a decision to act that way to control their partner's behavior and mood.
In this case I think it's relevant that your card game/chat is a fun, social thing with other people that your partner is consistently creating friction around, probably with the aim of getting you to drop it. And now they're gaslighting you around your perfectly reasonable response to their scary actions. But your instincts are solid! What they did WAS fucked up.
posted by Nibbly Fang at 6:05 PM on March 16, 2021 [6 favorites]


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