My iPhone was stolen from me tonight. It was the last straw.

March 4, 2021 5:34 PM

I'm reaching out because I am at a straws end and feel so overwhelmed.

I recently moved AND started a 2nd full time job. All has been going relatively well—the move was smooth. It has, however, been very overwhelming juggling both jobs and moving, all at the same time.

Tonight, I was at the grocery store, and my iPhone was unexpectedly stolen. How it happened was so odd and surreal—I had it in my hands and had it under the ice-cream container, then once I reached self-checkout, noticed it was missing. Searched, searched, searched everywhere in the store. A nice employee helped me. We didn't find it. I was in shock and kind of panicky. I'm Deaf and rely on my iPhone heavily as a "lifeline" of communication. Fortunately, I had theft/loss coverage on my iPhone, so getting a replacement shouldn't be a problem. It was really hard and traumatizing given my fears of being abandoned in the middle of nowhere, without communication, etc. I was able to find a way to communicate (paper and pen, how analog!). I thought the iPhone was just lost somewhere in the store, so went home, located it via "Find My" and alas, the iPhone moved to a different location away from the store and was changed to "low power mode", so I knew most likely it was lifted.

Here are my questions.

1) How could this have happened? I would have felt it in my hands being snatched, or even my pocket. I'm very careful and conscious (even though tonight I was admittedly distracted, juggling stuff in my hands, but still).

2) The very nice employee handed me a wad of cash to help me get home via the Metro system even though I tried to refuse and pointed to my pocket to indicate that I had money to get me home. Should I pay that money back to her? I feel really bad about that.

3) I have two jobs, as mentioned above. The full-time primary job is full-time, all day, I'm new, and on a 1-2 years probation. I already took a day off last week to move, so I'm really afraid calling out again in such a short time span wouldn't be a good look, but I really feel I need some self care time, especially after how traumatizing this was.

4) Does it seem like my iPhone was really stolen? I'm still having a hard time wrapping my head around it. It does seem to make logical sense, given they didn't turn in the iPhone to the store manager/security, or even hand it back to me (if I had dropped it unknowingly), is in a different location away from the store, AND was put in low-power mode, but still... a grocery store should be a safe place to be at. Then again, my city has been having more reports of crime lately, probably a factor of COVID and whatnot.

5) I recognize this about myself, I tend to have a bad habit of biting off more than what I can chew. I move at a fast speed, I like to be in control, and I do whatever it takes to make things happen, but consequentially I often am doing a million things at one time, or handling/juggling multiple problems, leading to crashes/burnout. This is what is happening now (new job and new move, and juggling two jobs at a time). How would you recommend I stop this and slow down, be more paced out?

I know this Ask was all over the place (like I am currently). My therapist is still on pregnancy leave, but I'm going to try and find out about getting a referral. I just feel so spent and drained, especially after this awful incident. It may just be an iPhone, but it was my lifeline, especially as a Deaf person. (I have doctor's handwriting and my hands are shaky so it's hard to handwrite) Plus moving, new job... it's too much for me right now.

I appreciate you.

posted by dubious_dude to Grab Bag (22 answers total)

I had this happen with a Kindle. I was reading as I walked to the bus, got on the bus, swiped my card, the kindle was no longer in my hands. I never really found out what happened.
You're OK, you'll be OK. Whatever happened with the phone is done.
Focus on whatever you need to feel OK now. Treat yourself, forgive yourself, etc.
Don't be afraid to ask for help to get over what's happening, including at your 2 workplaces.
posted by signal at 5:39 PM on March 4, 2021 [2 favorites]

In a few days when you're feeling recovered, write a letter or send an email to the business to recognize the employee who helped you. Make sure you note the date and time and store location so the specific employee can be known.

DO NOT SAY this person gave you money.

But DO SAY that she was kind, helpful, accommodated your special communication needs, made you feel safe in a difficult and scary time, and that her actions make you happy to be a returning customer of the store.

If the place she works for has any kind of internal corporate recognition system, these are the magic things to say to get her whatever good thing might be out there.
posted by phunniemee at 5:47 PM on March 4, 2021 [73 favorites]

I often put things under my arm so I can use my hands for something else, and then the second I get distracted, I lift my arm a little and drop the object without noticing. Sometimes I hear it fall on the ground, but often I don't. I can't tell you how many things I've lost that way. So maybe you did that, and someone swiped it off the ground instantly. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this at a time like this. Good luck!
posted by thegreatfleecircus at 5:58 PM on March 4, 2021 [6 favorites]

Sorry, just saw that you did use the iPhone location feature.
posted by dum spiro spero at 6:08 PM on March 4, 2021

uch, that sucks.

I used to have my phone in a case with a wrist strap; it takes up hardly any more room than the phone itself and it's really nice to have the phone on a strap sp it can be on your wrist and leave your hand free. This was a lifesaver when my babies were small and my hands were always full, or about to be. Might be helpful for you.
posted by fingersandtoes at 6:09 PM on March 4, 2021 [1 favorite]

Happened to me too. I had a VERY nice tablet at the time, cost me almost 300. I kept it on me... literally, in the small of my back tucked in my belt.

I had to go somewhere in my car and do something. Between then and there, the tablet disappeared. It's not in my car, it's not anywhere I walked or went to, or at least no one admitted to it. I remotely wiped the tablet.

From then on I buy used / refurb tablets.

I literally do NOT let the phone leave my body unless I am at home. I usually use a lanyard magnetic tether, but you can use a lanyard tether as well. Just hang the phone by your neck so it's always at chest level. That way you will NEVER lose it again, unless it's taken by force.
posted by kschang at 6:18 PM on March 4, 2021

If you can at all manage it you should go to work. I know this sucks and you deserve some time for yourself, but the job market right now is brutal and you're on a long probation. Odds are that you're going to need that time off later on. Is there something nice you can do for yourself for getting through this?
posted by Alison at 6:23 PM on March 4, 2021 [3 favorites]

Response by poster: Have you tried "Find my iPhone" from https://www.icloud.com/# yet?

Yes, sorry if that wasn't clear in my original post — "Find My" is how I found out the iPhone was moved to another location away from the grocery store, and pointed to my suspicion as to that it was lifted for real.
posted by dubious_dude at 6:29 PM on March 4, 2021

I once had my wallet stolen from the inside breast pocket of a sport coat on a bus in Warsaw. The thief and their accomplices created a distraction with an artificial crowd jostling at the bus door, and by the time I got inside and sat down, they were long gone. Even if the distraction wasn't created, a good thief can take advantage of momentary disattention. Please don't beat yourself up about this; it could happen to anyone.

If you haven't used the erase feature on Find My, I suggest doing it. You could activate the Lost Phone feature in hopes of recovering it, but if you're fairly certain it was stolen, it's better to wipe it and start over with your new phone.

And as far as #3, I would suggest going to work normally if you can face it. A year and a half ago a homeless person grabbed my phone on a Parisian street (I was living there at the time) while I was taking a photo, and while I managed to wrestle it back from him, with the aid of passersby, for quite a while I ruminated on what had happened and what could have gone wrong. Getting back to work was a welcome distraction. FYI, playing Tetris or similar games has been show to reduce the risk of PTSD after trauma, so you might also do that, or some crosswords, or some other repetitive pattern-based game or pastime that absorbs your attention.

Good luck dealing with this! It sucks but it's not your fault.
posted by brianogilvie at 6:30 PM on March 4, 2021 [5 favorites]

Hey. I'm so sorry this is all overwhelming at the moment. The thought of losing something that enables communication with other people sounds downright terrifying, and I hope at some point you can feel good about navigating this barrier so well with the grocery employee who helped you. In the meantime, please be kind to yourself. Here are my answers to your questions, fwiw:

1) It is SO hard to maintain constant focus even in the best of circumstances, and it only takes a few moments for someone who is determined to steal something to grab it. As you note, you were juggling things, just like we all do when we're in a grocery store (plus the mental load of two jobs and a move probably left you with less "presence" than usual!). Please don't beat yourself up. I honestly doubt there are more than two or three people reading your question - if that! - who haven't had something stolen in a moment of distraction. I have, and the sense of violation and bewilderment takes time to work through.

2) As phunniemee suggests, send in positive feedback for the person who helped you (I wouldn't try to give her the money back). Once you're in a better place yourself, you can also look for ways to pay this kindness forward to someone else who needs help.

3) When is your next scheduled day off? Do you think you can make it until then? If it's possible for you to do so, I agree with Alison that it would be better to try to go to work tomorrow - with a 1-2 year probation, it's probably a good idea to save your next day off for a while. Could you try to let your work be a distraction from this situation? That would be my suggestion - however, you know yourself best and if you feel you absolutely have to take a day off tomorrow, do so and be kind to yourself.

4) Yes, I do think your phone was probably stolen, especially if it's now somewhere other than the store you lost it in. I'm sorry that happened. If it makes you feel any better, phone theft is incredibly common.

5) I think identifying the pattern you describe is a great first step in doing something about it. I also think it's wonderful that you're going to work on getting a referral for a different therapist - this sounds like a great topic to work on in therapy.

I'm sorry this happened to you. Even without the phone theft, juggling two jobs AND moving would be a lot for anyone, and it's totally understandable that you'd feel overwhelmed right now. If there's something you can do tonight to take care of yourself, please do so. It's going to be okay.
posted by DingoMutt at 8:08 PM on March 4, 2021 [1 favorite]

I'm so sorry this happened to you. Can you frame going to work tomorrow as self-care? Because it will be a good distraction if you tell yourself that it is, and losing your job isn't something you need added to your burden. Things will be better soon!
posted by cyndigo at 8:48 PM on March 4, 2021 [5 favorites]

It sounds to me like the phone was momentarily put down, left there by accident and someone came along right away and in a crime of opportunity, took it. I had this happen to me at a large big box orange home improvement store. I went back to the aisle within about 45 seconds and it was gone. It sucks, I know. What I have come to appreciate in my older age is that I cannot change history. I can learn from it. That is about all.

As for self care, I would suggest longer term view. The best self care in the long term is to thrive in the job and keep it. It helps pay the bills. I used to buy a CD on the way home from work when I had a bad day. A sort of pick me up. Be kind to yourself. Is there something inexpensive that you can pick up for yourself? Bath bubbles for a long hot bath or a beer or another pint of Cherry Garcia ice cream? Download a movie perhaps?

Be well. Good luck. I am pulling for you.
posted by AugustWest at 9:27 PM on March 4, 2021 [4 favorites]

Why shouldn’t he give the woman at the store her money back? With an explanation, of course, maybe written for her..?
posted by tristeza at 9:35 PM on March 4, 2021 [2 favorites]

In answer to "how could it have happened" - by definition, our brain doesn't really take note of the times we forget to be vigilant, because there's no triggering event (a near miss, etc).

Our brain even selectively and retroactively edits our memories. The stopped clock illusion is one case where our brain tricks our consciousness - during saccadic eye movement, we are effectively blind, as the scene moves too fast for our visual system to process. Rather than consciously experience "blindness" our brain picks the image resolved at the destination, then edits our memory back in time so we think we've been staring at the destination image all along. This creates the stopped clock illusion, where the second hand of an analog clock appears to stay still for longer than normal when shifting focus to it. The second hand actually ticks during the time we are blind, but we don't perceive it, and instead we experience seeing the second hand staying still for longer than one second.

I'm not sure if this information makes you more anxious, or less. But I guess the point I've taken away from this is that humans are inherently fallible. We have an incredibly safe air transportation system with very low rates of accidents NOT because we have superhuman pilots who make no errors, and superhuman mechanics maintaining the aircraft who also make no errors. It's safe because we've designed safety and redundancy into our systems.

You should feel assured when you leave the house not because you're so vigilant you could never lose your phone - rather, you should feel assured because you are confident in your backup plans - you have a pen and paper with which you can communicate with others, some spare cash in the bottom of your bag, contact details of close friends and family who can help in an emergency, and that you have theft coverage in case your phone was stolen. It seems like you're doing great and you've got your act together! This wasn't a disaster, it was proof that your system was robust enough to withstand an unexpected event.
posted by xdvesper at 10:08 PM on March 4, 2021 [6 favorites]

Mostly because giving customers money or giving money to employees can be seen as a fireable offence in the US so making a deal over a kind act might litterally put her job in danger. This may not be the case if op lives in a country with reasonable employee protections.

I think the letter praising her customer service skills is exactly the right move.

In terms of If this could have happened, I did have a phone stolen right out of my hand before so it's possible.

In terms of taking care of yourself, even if you're not able to take off work, taking a few extra bathroom breaks, or a long lunch of possible might be a good idea . Try and parse what you can get away with not doing, order out food, take an Uber or taxi instead of the train if it saves you time, skip doing some regular cleaning, ect.

In a few days you might feel a bit better, especially once you get your iphone replaced.
posted by AlexiaSky at 10:09 PM on March 4, 2021 [5 favorites]

I’m so sorry this happened to you. I had an overnight bag stolen while on a train a couple of years ago and I was surprised how much it affected me, I was very upset considering it had mostly dirty laundry in. I became slightly obsessed in replacing everything I had in the bag, eg I had to buy the exact same toiletry bag on eBay, a similar-ish one from Amazon just Would Not Do.

Replacing the stuff really helped me feel much better. So I hope when your lovely shiny new phone arrives that it will heal the wound a little bit. I’d also suggest a lanyard or phone clutch with wrist strap.
posted by ElasticParrot at 3:54 AM on March 5, 2021

Transitions are rough. When i was in my 20s and moving around a lot, I'd lose one of a) keys b) wallet or c) ID card almost every time I moved. Not in the move, but around that time.

And yeah, brains are fallible, despite our very best intentions.

You may have dropped the phone accidentally, or it fell from your cart, or ... something. It could be that someone just picked it up and might try to get it back to you. Or it could have been stolen. In any case, the universe took it. Focus on the new stuff, and focus on nesting in your new place. You'll settle in.
posted by Dashy at 6:47 AM on March 5, 2021

Response by poster: Thank you. I really appreciate it.

Normally, people may be "an iPhone is an iPhone, it's replaced easily" which I agree with. I was not freaking out about the iPhone itself, or photos, etc. I have everything backed up, I have theft insurance, that's not the issue. What was truly terrifying and triggering was the fact that my vehicle as communication, especially as a Deaf person, was stripped/taken away from me. Yes, there are handwritten notes, and I have an iPad as a backup, but still. My transit cards were stored on my iPhone. Basically, my entire life was on my iPhone, if that makes sense, and just like that, my security, my "ease" of access was taken away. That's what truly terrified me. Not the cost, not the temporary "loss" of a fancy-schummy camera, not the beautiful new features of the iPhone. That's fine, I can live without that. What really upset me at a deep level was the carelessness and cold way someone just took my iPhone, my only means of communication and transportation at the time, away, ruthlessly.

I have filed a theft claim and police have came over to do a police report. I'm confident overall it'll work out, but yes, this was a gut punch. I'm still recovering, thank you for all the helpful comments.
posted by dubious_dude at 8:17 AM on March 5, 2021 [2 favorites]

Whoever it was probably had no idea how much that phone meant to you. We can be pretty certain they weren't thinking about you at all. And yes, in itself, that is cold. But maybe they had very strong needs of their own to deal with.

Would it help you to imagine that the person who took it, did so because they needed to put food on the table, possibly even for others, possibly including children? You will probably never know whether that is the case, but it might make you feel a little better.
posted by Too-Ticky at 9:11 AM on March 5, 2021 [1 favorite]

Yes, there are handwritten notes, and I have an iPad as a backup, but still. My transit cards were stored on my iPhone. Basically, my entire life was on my iPhone, if that makes sense

I think we all tend to entrust far too much of our daily lives and critical access to single devices, because it's just easier that way, right? But as much as it feels like your whole life depends upon your iPhone, in the sentence right before it you point out that it does not actually.

This isn't to discount your very real and valid feelings; studies have shown that people's brains map to things like the car we're driving and the phone we carry as part of our bodies and OF COURSE it could be traumatic when an extension of your body is lost, taken, or damaged.

I only point it out as a thing you can come back to as you process: you feared that you would not be able to access the world without it, but it didn't come to pass. You were capable, you adapted, you were able to get help from others, and you made it through.

There's no getting around the fact that some people are cruel, or careless, or ruthless--and others, as Too-Ticky points out, are more desperate than you can ever know. But when you encounter these people you will be capable, you will adapt, and you will be able to get help from others, and you will again make it through.

In the meantime, one way you can take control over the situation might be to figure out what the most critical functions are in your phone and how you can actually *always* have a backup for them (physical transit card? credit/debit card you can use to pay for things or get cash?), and then keep those backups on your person for awhile until you're feeling less vulnerable.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 10:42 AM on March 5, 2021 [5 favorites]

Response by poster: Followup question for anyone reading this:

What should I do about giving the money back? I feel really guilty about that—I think the employee thought I was "helpless", and I did try to indicate I had money, but she insisted. I regularly go to that store, too.

Also, in case any of you were wondering, I ended up working today. Was actually a nice distraction and was quite slow, so that was nice.
posted by dubious_dude at 5:54 PM on March 5, 2021 [3 favorites]

I would give it back to her and say "thank you so much for the loan, your kindness meant the world to me."
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:44 PM on March 5, 2021 [3 favorites]