Creepy situation: how to nip it in the bud before it can escalate
February 25, 2021 9:41 AM Subscribe
How do I discourage someone who gives me a creepy vibe and prevent the situation from escalating?
I (female) met a man on a vacation a year ago; we were part of the same tour group. Did not talk to him much. We (tour group members) all exchanged email addresses at the end of the trip.
This man emailed me out of the blue now, a year after the trip. His email was flirty and asked if I'd be traveling anywhere anytime soon. Wanting to be polite (which I now realize was a mistake), I sent a very short curt reply saying that I'm not traveling anytime soon and I hope he's staying safe.
To my surprise, he responded, saying how happy he was that I replied, etc. I did not reply. Despite my lack of reply, he wrote again today.
His emails give me a creeper vibe and I want to shut this down. He is clearly socially inept and I'm worried this could turn stalker-ish. I do not want to date him, I do not want to be his friend, I do not want to correspond at all.
What is the generally accepted advice for this type of situation?
(a) write ONCE more and very clearly say I am not interested in corresponding
OR
(b) do not write and hope he gets the message
Thank you!
I (female) met a man on a vacation a year ago; we were part of the same tour group. Did not talk to him much. We (tour group members) all exchanged email addresses at the end of the trip.
This man emailed me out of the blue now, a year after the trip. His email was flirty and asked if I'd be traveling anywhere anytime soon. Wanting to be polite (which I now realize was a mistake), I sent a very short curt reply saying that I'm not traveling anytime soon and I hope he's staying safe.
To my surprise, he responded, saying how happy he was that I replied, etc. I did not reply. Despite my lack of reply, he wrote again today.
His emails give me a creeper vibe and I want to shut this down. He is clearly socially inept and I'm worried this could turn stalker-ish. I do not want to date him, I do not want to be his friend, I do not want to correspond at all.
What is the generally accepted advice for this type of situation?
(a) write ONCE more and very clearly say I am not interested in corresponding
OR
(b) do not write and hope he gets the message
Thank you!
Don't write him back and block his email. People who are stalkers or stalker-like respond to any response with renewed vigour.
posted by warriorqueen at 9:46 AM on February 25, 2021 [24 favorites]
posted by warriorqueen at 9:46 AM on February 25, 2021 [24 favorites]
Do not respond. Set up a filter to send his messages to a folder so you don't have to see them.
posted by Medieval Maven at 9:47 AM on February 25, 2021 [14 favorites]
posted by Medieval Maven at 9:47 AM on February 25, 2021 [14 favorites]
Do this with a server-side mail rule, but my advice is not to delete it. Put it in a folder, mark it as read (never send read notifications, ever) and never look at it. But don't delete it, on the chance that you need to provide somebody with evidence later.
posted by mhoye at 9:55 AM on February 25, 2021 [46 favorites]
posted by mhoye at 9:55 AM on February 25, 2021 [46 favorites]
Keep in mind that he could have a tracker installed that tells him if the emails are opened. I’d just route these to a separate folder without looking at them, in case they are needed later. I’m sorry that you’re dealing with this!
posted by corey flood at 10:40 AM on February 25, 2021 [5 favorites]
posted by corey flood at 10:40 AM on February 25, 2021 [5 favorites]
It would feel weird to give his emails weight by replying Leave me alone, so I am on Team Ghost. Just delete any emails.
posted by theora55 at 12:28 PM on February 25, 2021 [6 favorites]
posted by theora55 at 12:28 PM on February 25, 2021 [6 favorites]
I agree with everyone above to just ghost him. I think it's technically fine that he tried to flirt and then got very excited by your simple response. That said, I think it's even better that you're listening to your gut and not responding. I agree that he'll eventually stop or at least write less if you keep ignoring him. He probably doesn't have a lot of friends or dates due to his creepy vibes, even if his intentions are good, but it's not your job to tell him this or try to help him in any way, of course.
It's different but this summer I had a (former) guy friend get really weird, like sending flirty messages where nothing was direct but so clearly insinuated. Because we knew each other for a long time, I tried to be honest and explain myself but he got so defensive and tried to be manipulative. Clearly that shit didn't work but it was all a waste of energy, my trying to be polite or kind when I just should have done a slow fade or even immediately ghosted. So often women put a lot of energy into managing the feelings of others and it's complete bs (but can be hard not to default to!) Recently my dad recently gave me some super simple advice that has been super helpful for me as a 30something woman dealing with so much dating weirdness: the best way to send a message to a guy who's being flakey/creepy/shitty/etc. is NO message in any shape or form. Your situation is different but I think the strategy can be similar. I'm sorry you're feeling so uncomfortable and I hope that he's more socially awkward than dangerous and moves on quickly.
posted by smorgasbord at 12:55 PM on February 25, 2021 [6 favorites]
It's different but this summer I had a (former) guy friend get really weird, like sending flirty messages where nothing was direct but so clearly insinuated. Because we knew each other for a long time, I tried to be honest and explain myself but he got so defensive and tried to be manipulative. Clearly that shit didn't work but it was all a waste of energy, my trying to be polite or kind when I just should have done a slow fade or even immediately ghosted. So often women put a lot of energy into managing the feelings of others and it's complete bs (but can be hard not to default to!) Recently my dad recently gave me some super simple advice that has been super helpful for me as a 30something woman dealing with so much dating weirdness: the best way to send a message to a guy who's being flakey/creepy/shitty/etc. is NO message in any shape or form. Your situation is different but I think the strategy can be similar. I'm sorry you're feeling so uncomfortable and I hope that he's more socially awkward than dangerous and moves on quickly.
posted by smorgasbord at 12:55 PM on February 25, 2021 [6 favorites]
(b)
posted by SoberHighland at 1:51 PM on February 25, 2021
posted by SoberHighland at 1:51 PM on February 25, 2021
(b)Ghost.
Occasionally any* contact is misinterpreted as interest. It's like opening a door.
If you somehow get the vibe you may see him again somehow (work? tour?), maybe* say you're quarantining with your partner (even if you don't have one, safety is a completely acceptable cover motivator), wish them the best, and hard silence thereafter.
posted by firstdaffodils at 3:00 PM on February 25, 2021 [1 favorite]
Occasionally any* contact is misinterpreted as interest. It's like opening a door.
If you somehow get the vibe you may see him again somehow (work? tour?), maybe* say you're quarantining with your partner (even if you don't have one, safety is a completely acceptable cover motivator), wish them the best, and hard silence thereafter.
posted by firstdaffodils at 3:00 PM on February 25, 2021 [1 favorite]
Keep in mind that he could have a tracker installed that tells him if the emails are opened. I’d just route these to a separate folder without looking at them, in case they are needed later.
Someone needs to read the emails so that you can take appropriate action should he appear to be escalating to the point that you could be in danger. Set up an automated routine to forward them to a secondary email address, if you aren’t bothered by reading them, or to a trusted friend.
posted by carmicha at 7:05 PM on February 25, 2021
Someone needs to read the emails so that you can take appropriate action should he appear to be escalating to the point that you could be in danger. Set up an automated routine to forward them to a secondary email address, if you aren’t bothered by reading them, or to a trusted friend.
posted by carmicha at 7:05 PM on February 25, 2021
If you want to pursue option A (I have in the past), you can say something like “Thanks for reaching out. I’m not up for reconnecting any further, though. I wish you the best.” And then after that, you can totally ignore every email.
I’ve done this successfully in the past. However be aware that he WILL undoubtedly respond to your email with something like “aww, that’s too bad, we had some good times, I wish I hadn’t lost my chance with you” or similar (or worse). However I’ve never had it escalate beyond the guy’s final grumble goodbye.
You’re also totally fine to just ghost him with no guilt.
posted by samthemander at 9:59 PM on February 25, 2021 [2 favorites]
I’ve done this successfully in the past. However be aware that he WILL undoubtedly respond to your email with something like “aww, that’s too bad, we had some good times, I wish I hadn’t lost my chance with you” or similar (or worse). However I’ve never had it escalate beyond the guy’s final grumble goodbye.
You’re also totally fine to just ghost him with no guilt.
posted by samthemander at 9:59 PM on February 25, 2021 [2 favorites]
I do not want to correspond at all
This is the essential thing. Then don't correspond at all. Ignore his latest email, block his email and all other forms of contact you may have, move on.
posted by Gelatin at 5:18 AM on February 26, 2021
This is the essential thing. Then don't correspond at all. Ignore his latest email, block his email and all other forms of contact you may have, move on.
posted by Gelatin at 5:18 AM on February 26, 2021
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by tmdonahue at 9:43 AM on February 25, 2021 [50 favorites]