How to deal with life
February 24, 2021 10:47 PM   Subscribe

I am very depressed. I can't get over how selfish my parents were to make me deal with this shit. I hate every day and drink every night to deal with it, which ultimately makes everything worse. How did I end up with a problem that wasn't my doing and I'm not allowed to opt out of?

I would like help dealing with a life that I didn't and wouldn't choose, even though I've been unreasonably lucky. I would also like help dealing with my parents, who didn't know how unhappy I'd end up by possibly should/could have.
posted by uninformative to Human Relations (18 answers total) 16 users marked this as a favorite
 
It sounds like you're having a really hard time and I'm sorry things are so tough.
If you'd be comfortable explaining a bit more context, it might be easier for people to offer advice.

In the short term, here are some quick things that usually make me feel better

Put your feet far apart and press down with them.
Hold your arms out wide.
Make a big fake smile.
Take three deep breaths.
Sounds silly, but resetting your body language and oxygenating your brain can help a bit.

Then - can you have a snack (fruit is good if available, protein too) and a glass of water, then splash water on your face and just go to bed? Taking care of your body can really help a re-set.

Tomorrow:
I would set a timer for 15 minutes and make a list of all the things bothering you.
Write out the names of the emotions you feel, then add "because" and finish the sentence.
"I feel angry because my dad said xyz because I felt like he meant abc."
"I feel anxious because I didn't finish that task."
"I feel sad because Lisa didn't reply to my text."
Doing that can make emotions feel more manageable and it can also help you figure out some next steps.

Hope things look better, sending you an internet hug if you want one. Please drink some water and imagine me cheersing you with this shitty pink plastic cup I'm holding.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 10:57 PM on February 24, 2021 [17 favorites]


Response by poster: I am 33 years old. I achieved everything I thought I wanted; I did a Ph.D where I wanted to with the person that I wanted to. I haven't been interested in my work in several years. I guess I'm worried about the future of my career.

I'm also worried about my personal future. I never worried about relationships in the past because I always met someone, but as I get older it's harder; people are married and have kids.

This might be fine as I don't necessarily need a romantic relationship but I do need social relationships. So I'm really scared to get older.
posted by uninformative at 11:05 PM on February 24, 2021 [4 favorites]


I'm 49. Plenty of fun to be had between 33 and 49 based on my research.

not allowed to opt out of?

You are allowed. You can opt out of the destructive narrative you feel trapped in. You can.
posted by vrakatar at 12:22 AM on February 25, 2021 [34 favorites]


The main thing I took from your question is that you are saying "you would like help". This is such a great place to start from. It's true that we are social beings and we need social connections. For so many people the trap they get in is thinking they can and should be able to get through life and deal with everything entirely alone and self-sufficient. So your ability to acknowledge the human need for help and collaborative living is so great.

I'd say it sounds like you're at a stage where you have made every "correct" choice, done everything you "should" have done, and are now feeling such a sense of futility and emptiness that it really does feel like everything you've done is a waste and there's nothing to look forward to except more drudging work, retirement, and death.

The good thing is that these kinds of crises really help us see that all the "shoulds" and "right choices" are one kind of narrative, and once you start seeing through the cracks in that narrative- and have been able to grieve through the pain of that process- you are then able to see how many different and exciting and meaningful other stories that you could start to believe in and live. You realise that you have choice. That's also scary. It's scary partly because our world is so invested in one narrative of life and success that it is harder to live differently- but it is possible to step off the beaten track.

Therapy really is helpful, not to "fix" you, but to give you a dynamical relationship with another person which can help you unravel all the "shoulds" and fixed narratives, and help you find out what's really important to you.

I think you're about to embark on a process of "finding yourself", which looks different for every person. Maybe taking time off to travel. Maybe re-training in a field that has meaning and purpose built-in, like medicine. Maybe getting really into spiritual practice and training.

Whatever you do, keep hold of that thread of "needing help" and not doing everything alone. Whatever path you explore, they're really all the same, and the most important element is connecting with people and building meaningful relationships and community.

A book I'd recommend reading for starters for someone in your position is "When Things Fall Apart" by Pema Chödrön.
posted by Balthamos at 12:46 AM on February 25, 2021 [21 favorites]


Seconding that I'm so glad you're reaching out!

And I hate to be that obvious, but when things are as serious as you describe, "help", to me, means therapy. You don't mention it, so I was wondering whether you have a therapist or need help looking for one? Or whether you've considered it at all?

You are absolutely right, you can't get over this alone. It's too big for you and would be too big for anyone, not just you. You do need help, and this is how you get it.
posted by Omnomnom at 12:59 AM on February 25, 2021 [3 favorites]


This question isn't really answerable the way it is, because it's too broad.

First off Many people use an individual therapist to help them to do this, some people use medication to help treat symptoms of depression as well. Thought patterns like this can very much be what some people call 'depression talking' and it is a hard thing to work through. It is definitely appropriate to seek out professional help.

In terms of day to day things, you could identify things you can change or things you can break down into reasonable chunks, to help get you get more specific about what you want or are looking for right now.

So, for example (all the things are just theoretical guesses) with your career - you could focus on I want to move careers, or I just need any job or I want to gain interest in my specific field of study, or I want to find something that interests me, whatever it might be. It doesn't particularly matter which one you chose, or any of them at all, just something that gets you out of the big impossibility of the future and into concrete planning, and then subsequently step taking.

For example, if you decided I want to move careers
You could - take career tests to discover if something would be a good fit for you, or seek out a job recruiter, or just go work at a temp agency doing whatever they'll put you into doing, or take a class in a field completely unrelated to what you did schooling in, or apply for jobs across the country that sound interesting. There are TONS of options out there, but you have to break things down, then build a plan around it, then try something new.

To reiterate my first point, I think a therapist and medication may help you jumpstart lots of this stuff. It's okay to need to seek out professional help.
posted by AlexiaSky at 1:01 AM on February 25, 2021 [4 favorites]


You also mention your parents - I understood that part as saying that they should not have had you, because you never asked to be born and life is unbearable for you right now - is that correct?
I think it's your depression's way of fixating on something that can't be changed (you having being born), rather than things that can be changed.

That's not to say your parents aren't genuinely problematic. It's certainly worth looking at all the ways they fucked up. I just wanted to point out that this point "they should have known not to have me" is a way for your depression to beat you up and make you feel terrible. And if it weren't that thing, your depression would find something else to latch onto.
posted by Omnomnom at 1:11 AM on February 25, 2021 [13 favorites]


My two cents as someone who can relate:
1) I would stop drinking as least until you're through this period. It's great for a light buzz, but you've waded into self-medication land and that's a no go.

2) Your parents probably made you because, on some level like a lot of couples, they were/are so in love and wanted a place for all that love to go. They didn't make you as a depository of existential dread and sadness about the cruelty of our existing world. Getting through this means cutting a mental cord between what you're experiencing and blaming your parents for it. This is both wrong, captain unreasonably lucky, and binding you up from getting through to a path forward.

3) You're 33 with a PhD during a pandemic. The future is unwritten and there is still a lot of time. The problem is the fear of getting older.

4) I'm sorry, but now I need to go back to one of my favorite quote. I don't know that it's especially useful for highly competent (phd) depressed people feeling alone, but it sometimes feels that way:
"Every individual, I would argue, needs to feel a connection to community, to a history, and to a human project larger than his or her own life. Without this connection, we are bereft of a concern for the future or an investment in the fate of our community. Nihilism is the result; and we see abundant signs of it all around, from the unchecked frenzy of consumption that ignores its likely long-term effects to the anarcho-libertarianism that is rife in the corporate United States at all levels..."

When you're depressed, you need to start with the little bullshit, you are told, like doing the dishes, going for a walk, and sweeping, because the cycle and pattern will help you come back, and even if it doesn't, at least you have clean laundry. I would argue that you also need to plug into things larger than yourself, instead of fixating on the slights of your parents' original sin of procreation and the fears of your own encroaching mortality, to enter into a larger continuum of life, one that both utilizes your skills and abilities to help make the world a better place (fighting climate change, building worker power, destroying patriarchy, abolitionism, pick a battle). It's like the depression sweeping (at least you'll get a clean floor), the meet up strategy against loneliness (a way to meet new people), and it'll help re-center your vantage point that might even have you, shocking I know, thanking your parents for putting you in this battle.

Good luck.
posted by history is a weapon at 3:01 AM on February 25, 2021 [13 favorites]


The best way to make sure that your fears of a rotten old age come true is to treat your body like shit.

So: +1 on the stop drinking.

It sounds like you're struggling with existential aloneness. It's a tough thing to come to terms with. But one of the consequences of really accepting that, no matter what happens in your life--who's in it or who's not--you will always have yourself... is that you can choose to have the relationship *with yourself* with all the qualities you would want in a relationship with anyone else.

Do you want to be treated kindly and with tenderness by others in your life? Treat *your own self* with kindness and tenderness. Breaking the habit of unkind, self-critical and self-denigrating self-talk is worth every bit of effort it takes.

Do you want to experience sensual pleasure in relationship? Then make sure that you, yourself, alone, experience sensual pleasure. Set that dial wherever is right for you--from fuzzy socks to extravagant sexual pleasure.

Do you want to have great adventures in relationship? Start prioritizing adventure in your own life, all on your own.

Do you want help, backup, security? Then start building a team. Do you have a good, reliable handyman? A housecleaner? A financial adviser? A therapist? Where do you feel like you need to be shored up?

You are in a hard spot, but it's OK. It's totally human to get bogged down sometimes. You don't have to stay there.

A good mantra when you're at al loss in the moment is, "What can I do *right now* to take care of myself?" Little things count. Use the bathroom, wash your dishes, eat some healthy food, exercise for ten minutes, call a friend, put some lotion on your hands, pay your bills.

Take care, friend.
posted by Sublimity at 3:23 AM on February 25, 2021 [21 favorites]


You are already on your way to recovery... by admitting you need some help.

The next step is to identify your needs to stay normal, or at least, enough to cope with the current situation.

Then the next step is to figure out a way to actually satisfying your needs, with minimum damage to something else, with a SHORT-term strategy, i.e. "coping" instead of "solving.

THEN we can talk about more permanent solutions. But remember, baby-steps. One at a time.

-----

I don't know you, so I can only go by what you wrote here.

You believe that a) your parents "forced" / "guided" you on a path that you did not really want yourself, but it seems to be a "good" choice, at least by societal standards, even though it seems to burn you up inside, and when you talk about your feelings, it sounded like your parents basically shut you down by implying you are ungrateful and wasting their intentions or some such when the world had turned to crap and you should be thankful you can still live well instead of on the dole.

How did I do?

My personal recommendation, and I am NOT a therapist of any sort.

a) Write down what your parents said to you. Write down what you feel about that.

Try to be accurate and detailed, but separate the facts (what they said) from what you feel about it. They are intertwined, but feelings are contextual. What you feel when you read it WILL CHANGE depending on your mood. When you are depressed, reading such may make you feel more depressed or angry, but when you are more positive, reading such may not have the same effect. Thus, it is better to separate the two, so when you re-read it later, you can notice the shift in your own mood.

b) Remember that ultimately, it is YOUR life, not theirs.

You need to take care of yourself first. A person who lives by other people's edicts or opinions is not a person with a lot of self-worth. A lot of immigrant parents or parents from humbler origins want to live vicariously through the lives of their offsprings since they believe they are too old to change, but this puts enormous pressure on the offsprings to "succeed" by the parents' definition instead of growing into their own persons.

Once you've calmed down, and hopefully, stopped self-medicating (i.e. drinking nightly) try to think of the situation from THEIR perspective, instead of yours. Did they sacrifice things for you? Not saying they are "right", but is their action at least, understandable? Or seems to make a bit more sense, even though it causes you anguish?

c) Can you identify WHY their path for you makes you miserable?

Maybe you're not a "people" person, but your parents keep wanting you to be a lawyer? Or you're not good at math, but your parents keep wanting you to be an engineer?

d) Can you identify WHAT factors would make you happy, or at least, less miserable?

Do you need to exercise more? Hang out more with friends, real or virtual? Read more books? What do YOU want out of life?

Remember, we are taking baby steps, by identifying your needs (and in a way, what your parents want), so maybe we can finding both a short and long term strategy to satisfy both. So consider this your... "homework". :D
posted by kschang at 3:56 AM on February 25, 2021 [2 favorites]


I struggle with depression too. Also, pretty bad anxiety. Something I've learned is that it is essential to be aware of how I talk to myself. The things I'm constantly telling myself without even really being aware of it. These messages slip under my defences and do so much harm.
"I would never be able to handle that situation, I'd fall apart" or "I'm so hopeless at making friends, OMG how pathetic I am at being social" and so on and on and on. A constant stream of negative self talk.
It's not always possible to stop it, but simply being aware of it makes an enormous difference. Notice the thought. Label it as unhelpful. Distract yourself by focussing on something else. Don't beat yourself up about it "Oh I'm so useless at being positive". Rather try to be neutral. "That thought might not be true" or "that thought is not helpful". It helps me to inject a bit of humour into it and not take myself quite so seriously.
Meditation helps a lot, as it makes me more aware of my internal dialogue.
Depression makes you focus on the wrong question. "what is the point of it all" and so on. You can find better questions to answer. Like "how can I help other people". My latest question, that I've found very helpful is "what is the unexpected good thing that will happen today?" There's always something good that happens. Even a small thing counts, like seeing a chameleon on my walk the other morning, or being greeted by a cute dog. Since I've started asking myself that question, I've noticed at least one unexpected good thing every day.
posted by Zumbador at 4:12 AM on February 25, 2021 [4 favorites]


You're doing the right thing by reaching out and telling people (even anonymous internet people) how you feel. Just by doing that you're helping yourself by taking a step towards getting back to a place where you feel okay.

You deserve to be heard and to not suffer in silence. You also deserve to feel better about yourself and what's going on with your life.

Please be aware that a lot of this may be a chemical thing in your head, an imbalance of certain hormones that lead to you feeling this way. That means that it is something that's treatable by medical science and there are a lot of resources out there to help you.

For the right now, here are some other steps you can take towards helping yourself deal with the life you've been given, and turning it into something that feels good to you:

- You need to stop drinking. Alcohol is a depressant (it actively makes you feel worse even if you might assume you're feeling better) and the cycle of daily drinking will be doing a lot of harm to your body for a long time if you don't stop. It's a spiral that has no good ending. However, if you're drinking a significant amount every day, please consult a doctor or alcoholic dependency services before you stop. Withdrawal can be a tough process for some people and you may need guidance on how to stop safely. You deserve to feel healthy.

- Speak to your doctor about how you're feeling. Medication is a choice that you absolutely have the right to decide to take or not, but it's a good option to help even things out so you can start working on the things that are contributing to how you feel, like your relationship with your parents and your career.

- Reach out, if you can, to friends and family about how you're feeling. Social support is important. If you aren't able to do that, continue posting here, or find another online community where you feel safe and supported.

The advice above about taking it day by day and doing the little things is also good. You're in pain; treat yourself as though you're taking care of someone in pain. Make sure you're eating, drinking water, staying clean, getting a little fresh air if you can. Even tiny steps towards these things will be awesome. Some days you might not be able to do more than fold some laundry, and that's okay! That's still a good step forward. The key is to keep going, and keep being kind to yourself.
posted by fight or flight at 6:02 AM on February 25, 2021 [2 favorites]


Oh my goodness, no, do not go from drinking every night to quitting cold turkey without medical help. Alcohol withdrawal is really, really dangerous! That's the thing you need to see a doctor about first and foremost.

But yes--depression is a disease, and can be treated medically. I think it's helpful to think about it much like another long-term or chronic health condition, like chronic pain or a missing limb. It's never going to go away, and taking long walks or drinking tea will not cure depression any more than it will get an arm or leg to grow back. But at the same time, with chronic pain there's probably a combination of PT and painkillers that get you to the goals you want to achieve in life. So I really do advocate for finding a medical team, both someone with an MD who can prescribe you meds and a psychologist or counselor who can teach you the exercises to manage depression in the day-to-day.
posted by capricorn at 12:05 PM on February 25, 2021 [2 favorites]


I'm sorry you feel so bad. I agree that depression is a disease, and you deserve to have it treated. It can absolutely take things that otherwise might feel like 'Meh, that's not ideal' and make them feel like your entire life is an unredeemable disaster.

So 'Hm, I'm not that into my current career, wonder what I should do about that?' becomes 'My entire professional life has been a waste and is permanently unrecoverable.'.

And 'Other people are having kids, I need to think about how I'm going to find some new friends, guess I should try some new hobbies' becomes 'I'm doomed to be alooooone'. (FWIW, the person I know with the absolute best social life is a long-single woman in her 60s. I'm single in my 40s and don't want for friends. It's a change on how things worked in your 20s, but it's totally doable, though admittedly probably easier in cities than the suburbs).

Talking to a doctor about medication (and about working towards stopping drinking) and a therapist can help you redress the balance so that these things that currently feel completely overwhelming and unfixable become moderate-sized niggles that can be solved.

On a small, day-to-day level, there's a series of questions titled Everything Is Awful And I'm Not Okay which can help you work through low moments with a series of small actions you can attend to that will make you feel somewhat better in the moment. They're not going to overturn this whole thing but they can definitely inch the awfulness down a little temporarily and might be something to reach for rather than booze.
Interactive Twine version
Same questions as a blog post
posted by penguin pie at 12:33 PM on February 25, 2021 [6 favorites]


I feel like people are focusing on the parent part like the problem is you've always done what your parents told you to, and now you realize your life isn't what you want.

But that isn't what I think you were saying.

What it looks like you said is that your parents caused you to exist, but you would rather not. And you are angry with them for not considering your potential feelings on the matter and for being stuck in a situation (life) that you are not allowed to leave of your own volition.

Unfortunately this isn't a thing you can "deal with" your parents about. They have no answers for you on this and the conversation will not go well even a little bit. At best, they will treat you like a moody teenager stomping around and wishing you'd never been born. At worst, they will recognize this for the self-obliterating suicide-adjacent impulse that it is, and absolutely lose their motherfucking minds and you'll have to spend the conversation managing their justifiable panic.

Source: have had this conversation with my parents.

This is the Evander real-deal Holyfield of depression stuff, my friend. You are down in the shit, the no-foolin-existential-crisis-now-you-have-to-make-a-conscious-decision-to-keep-being-a-person-because-it-will-no-longer-come-naturally-to-you shit.

And you don't have to do it alone-alone, for sure do the whole therapy and meds thing and all. But ultimately this is a fight between you and you. Everyone who wins it wins it different, and some people lose.

Right now I'm winning it by just ticking things off a list day by day, the bare minimum to keep me alive and employed. Sometimes for a few whole minutes in a row, I am not actively upset to exist. This is progress--a few months ago, I was not having any of those minutes.

Life is unjust; it's mostly trash and no, we're not really given a choice about it. We have to just fuckin deal with it for (our perception of) ever. But a good therapist can help you come to a radical acceptance of this fact that might help you move past the fixation on the unfairness of it and towards a way of coexisting with it.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 12:56 PM on February 25, 2021 [15 favorites]


You sound like me before my ADHD diagnosis. The ruminating about my parents, the depression and drinking, then feeling guilt because I have been objectively lucky and privileged - right down to to high education level.

Then my doctor put me on an ADHD medication for an unrelated condition. The next morning after I took it, I was taking a shower and noticed that I wasn't ruminating about my childhood. It was a 180 change, fast, so I talked to my doctor, got referred for screenings, and the weight of 35 years of guilt, frustration, and self-loathing lifted off my shoulders.

Not to say I'm magically cured of everything or don't still have my struggles with depression. But I drink significantly less and alcohol no longer impacts my day to day life. My preoccupation with irritants that I can't change (like the past) slowly shifted to things I can change. And when progress doing that is slow, it's much easier to be gentle with myself because now I have an answer to my question "Ugh, why does this seem so easy for everyone else?" and I know what kind of tools to look for.

If you have a counselor, ask them or your doctor about a screening for it.
posted by mibo at 12:56 AM on February 26, 2021 [1 favorite]


You're probably not going to like my answer.

The greatest help I have found when feeling similarly is to realize that I am responsible for my own path. Nobody else. Blaming other people, institutions, circumstances, etc. is a distraction from moving towards what I want. It's wasted energy.

So rather than thinking somebody sold me a bad situation, I think what is one thing I can do to help myself design the kind of life I want. What's getting in the way of the life I want to live and what can I do to shift that stuff?

(I recognize that systemic oppression and discrimination are real and valid and cause a variety of barriers for people. It is my understanding that success [usually] nevertheless requires a willingness to take responsibility for one's life and not blame outside circumstances, or not stop there but move forward into what we have the ability to change and what action we can take.)
posted by crunchy potato at 8:21 AM on February 26, 2021 [1 favorite]


I face very similar issues and the only thing that has even started to help me get a grip on things was to recognize how deeply my parents just obliterated me and stamped their desires for me right into my psyche. And... the really dark shit... that my father basically coerced my mother into having kids, and used me as a weapon to subjugate her, while my mother tried to use me as a savior and a shield against him. I ping constantly between weapon and savior -- these identities were crafted for me before I was born, they are all I know. I face constant unbearable shame for failing to be good enough but also for the things I have done compulsively to try to be good enough and I have used addictions to get past this (achievement is a good one, I too have a PhD) and my friend it gets worse and worse as the coping strategies you know begin to create and compound more problems so you are right to send up a flag.

This is gonna sound like a headfuck but you can step outside the system which is all you know. Your body belongs to you even if your mind is completely broken and co-opted and riddled with malware. It likes to be warm and fed and rested and it likes to be close to others and to warm them and to give them warmth. It knows when it is in pain and it knows when another human is in pain. It knows what matters and what doesn't. Take care of yourself and try to give your bodily feelings space. If you're like me, you have a whole suite of defensive emotions that are not actually things you feel but things you were programmed to feel -- for example, terror when straying from the path, which probably accompanies feelings of derealization. You can tell if it's your emotion or not if it wants you to somethign constructive or destructive. Your body wants to live and thrive, so if all you hear is destruction, then someone has installed malware in your mind and is blocking your true signals.

This is as far as I've got. It helps to make a list of things your body wants (sleep, good food) and do that regardless of what your mind tells you to do.

P.S. don't trust words or thoughts, they can be lies. you need truth and that is in the body. also, get out of cities and into nature as much as you can. cities are cages, they block out the light. truth is in the soil and the air and the water. you have to reconnect with your animal self to see the pain that is covered up and denied and see how humans have become weaponry and tools of the machine. the primary purpose of language is to lie and distort. be higly suspicous of anyone who wants you to talk through your problems as if they are about you and not utterly and completely systemic. the world is sick, you're functioning correctly. good luck.
posted by PercussivePaul at 7:33 PM on March 2, 2021


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