My sub needs orders

February 19, 2021 2:01 PM

This is kind of a BDSM101 question with no right or wrong answers.

I've been in a kink-flavored LDR with a person for many months now. We have an issue where they need more orders than I give. What kind of orders? Neither the "get off/do this to get me off" nor the "make some food and take care of yourself" kind. The not necessarily sexual kind of general bossing around stuff that is dominating, embarrassing, teasing. They do like being treated like a pet or a baby, though they are not strictly speaking a "puppy" or a "little." Orders I give are things like body-writing, self-bondage, self-spanking, wax play, nipple pain play. Orders I want to give are more various and maybe a little less overtly sexual. I know this is a little blue for the green--I hope that's okay. Please help us with a little brainstorming here (I think anonymous is an option?) or on mefi mail, or direct me to some BDSM FAQs or advice columns, which... there should be a wealth of information in such resources, but I have found none that help me. Thanks.

posted by Sterros to Human Relations (6 answers total)

I think good nonsexual orders are often about asserting control and putting someone off-balance.

If someone is into feeling controlled — if that's hot or romantic or relaxing for them — then you could be like "stop what you're doing and go put on a different shirt" or something totally ordinary like that, and maybe it wouldn't be the hottest order they've ever gotten, but it would be a little something to play with. And then you can play with it. If they like belittling criticism, then they can ask if they picked the right one and you can say "no, you look terrible in that one." If they like praise, they can ask the same question and you can say "You did so good, puppy." If you like laughing at them, you can arrange to have something to laugh at. ("Ha ha ha omg I can't believe a boy/girl/kid/puppy/slut/whatever like you is trying to refuse" and "ha ha ha omg I can't believe what a pushover/sucker/whatever you are that you actually did it" cover a lot of ground between them.) If you like quick obedience, you can make them hurry. And so on and so on. The T-shirt isn't the point — the point is the whole fun interaction you can have around it, which is still totally nonsexual, but it's control-flavored.

Or if the two of you are into fear or embarrassment or anger or whatever, you can give them a liiiiiiitle poke into that headspace by putting them off-balance in some way. Make them do something they're bad at. Fuck up their routine. Add annoying constraints to their day. Remind them that you're entitled to mess with them. Most of those things make most people feel at least a little scared, embarrassed, angry, etc — and then you've got something to play with, and you can pivot into "Oh you're so cute when you're angry" or "You're such a scared little baby" or "I'm going to rub your nose in what a bad dog you are" or whatever fun thing you like to do together around that emotion. The point being, again, it's not really about the order itself being a brilliant and perfect command. It's just giving you an excuse to poke at them a little and enjoy their emotional reaction.

Does any of that resonate? Do any of those feel like ways you'd enjoy playing?
posted by nebulawindphone at 2:48 PM on February 19, 2021 [8 favorites]

Also, for whatever reason, you're more likely to get practical information about the nuts and bolts of topping from books rather than online resources — I don't know why, but even still in 2021 so much of what's online is weird machismo and totally implausible fantasy, and meanwhile there are genuinely good books. It's old at this point, but I remember liking Easton and Hardy's "The Topping Book" a lot.
posted by nebulawindphone at 2:48 PM on February 19, 2021

Seconding The Topping Book. It's even had a reprint since it came out. I read it about 5 years ago and it's great for ideas.
posted by scruffy-looking nerfherder at 5:15 PM on February 19, 2021

Ditto the Topping Book.

Is food-related orders allowed? Can you order him to eat no sweets for 48 hours or something like that? :D
posted by kschang at 6:22 PM on February 19, 2021

The New Topping Book is excellent--and as a complement, order your sub to read The New Bottoming Book. :) They're both fairly quick read, and both give you good tactical suggestions (I learned one of my favorite semi-public humiliation moves from the Topping Book) as well as questions to consider and discuss about what you want, how, etc.

There's also a great newer book on D/s (for the D side) called The Heart of Dominance, by Anton Fulmen. It has practical/tangible tips as well as more philosophical things. I was not at all new to this when I read it but I still learned a lot, and I've recommended it to new and experienced folks alike.

Some specific ideas based on real experiences:
- Take pictures of themselves (sexy and otherwise)
- Perform a striptease over live video (this was more because it was embarrassing and boundary-pushing than because it was sexy... but it was that, too)
- Similarly, set up a camera and let me watch them shower
- Perform useful tasks for me, like research the best version of a product I want to buy, or answer an obscure question about our shared areas of interest, or buy something local to them and ship it to me
- Make art for me (for your babyish not-a-little, this could be color something or draw a picture with crayons)
- Write out a fantasy, or their thoughts on our last scene together, or why they enjoy being mine
- Dress up in something I sent them that I know would be challenging/embarrassing for them
- Memorize a long poem then call me and read it to me

There's also orgasm denial, if either of you would be into that, which can still be pretty damn fun even long-distance. More fun if you eventually get to be together in person, though.
posted by rhiannonstone at 9:41 PM on February 19, 2021 [2 favorites]

I think nebulawindphone nailed it above with the practical advice about what submissives might mean when they say something like "I need more orders." Others suggested some really great resources for ideas. If you're on Fetlife or Reddit, you might also consider posting this question in the some of the topical groups/subreddits and seeing what suggestions you get.

But it's unclear from your question whether you and your sub are clear on what this is about at a deeper level than "they would like more orders." My first thought as an experienced dominant was "Why do they need more orders than they're being given?"

If your needs are met for what you'd like your submissive to do, this is about the submissive needing something and they think "more orders" is it. But what are those needs exactly? Do they want more of your attention? Do they want sexual stimulation? Do they want deeper connection with you through the vulnerability of the tasks you give them/the things you control? Are they just bored and need ideas for entertaining themself? Do they crave the kind of control and/or humiliation that nebulawindphone wrote about?

You could give your submissive a million creative orders and it will never be enough if it doesn't satisfy whatever it is they're really seeking and asking for more of.
posted by Colonel_Chappy at 2:30 PM on February 22, 2021