Facebook friend asking for money, what do i do???
February 17, 2021 1:53 PM Subscribe
long story short, i'm FB friends with someone (adult woman, not married) who about a month ago, asked me for $20 bucks to "help her out"... she said she needed the money for food.
Being the good friend that i am, of course i sent her the money (full transparency, i've never even met her, but we do 1 or 2 mutual friends).
Well, now she has asked for $40 to cover her "medicine" ... whatever that may be (I think she has lupus).
I don't want to be mean or rude, & always can help a friend. $40 buck won't kill me, but am i now setting a precedence for regular requests for money in the future?
I welcome all advice...
First of all, can you ask the mutual friends if they know anything about her situation?
posted by trig at 2:07 PM on February 17, 2021 [12 favorites]
posted by trig at 2:07 PM on February 17, 2021 [12 favorites]
It might not actually be her. Have you talked to her in person? I had something similar happen to me recently. An old friend of my partner's from several years back that I had only met twice messaged me on FB asking for money and I knew right away it was fake. Because a) why would he reach out to me? and b) even though I barely knew him, he didn't seem like the type to do that. My partner confirmed with his friend that his friend's account had been hacked.
posted by Jess the Mess at 2:19 PM on February 17, 2021 [56 favorites]
posted by Jess the Mess at 2:19 PM on February 17, 2021 [56 favorites]
Yes, I just want to agree with the above poster and say that it might be someone hacking her account. If you aren't texting their number, switch to that (ask your mutual for it if needed) to be sure! This is surprisingly common.
posted by ancient star at 2:23 PM on February 17, 2021 [3 favorites]
posted by ancient star at 2:23 PM on February 17, 2021 [3 favorites]
I agree with Rock 'em Sock 'em and like their suggested script for its nonjudgemental and non-prying tone. It's okay to help this person out but also set some boundaries.
(This is assuming that it's not a hack, as noted by others.)
posted by desuetude at 2:25 PM on February 17, 2021
(This is assuming that it's not a hack, as noted by others.)
posted by desuetude at 2:25 PM on February 17, 2021
Did you read the "I got scammed" thread below? It's relevant to your interests, I think.
posted by SPrintF at 2:30 PM on February 17, 2021 [3 favorites]
posted by SPrintF at 2:30 PM on February 17, 2021 [3 favorites]
I mostly agree with the above, though if it were me I would feel uncomfortable saying that I can't if I technically can, and would maybe try more neutral language like "I'm willing to help you out this time, but I'm not comfortable with this becoming a pattern". Maybe somebody has a better idea of how to put that.
posted by lgyre at 2:41 PM on February 17, 2021
posted by lgyre at 2:41 PM on February 17, 2021
Are they asking to "borrow" $20 or $40 or are they asking for it to be gifted? To me, it is more likely a scam if they are asking for it to be gifted even though we all know that borrowing this money will never be returned. I would try to find out if it is really the person they purport to be.
Also, if I was inclined to give some money, I would cut it in half. You lose half and you signal that you are not a very deep well to keep coming back to. "$40? I want to help, but all I can spare at this moment is $20. Where do I send it?"
This way you give some money, but you only lose half. Also, they now know you are not in for much, if any, more.
posted by AugustWest at 3:41 PM on February 17, 2021
Also, if I was inclined to give some money, I would cut it in half. You lose half and you signal that you are not a very deep well to keep coming back to. "$40? I want to help, but all I can spare at this moment is $20. Where do I send it?"
This way you give some money, but you only lose half. Also, they now know you are not in for much, if any, more.
posted by AugustWest at 3:41 PM on February 17, 2021
How much of a friend are you with this person? I get that it is virtual but have you developed a personal connection over time or is she just someone in your network? Personally, asking for $20 and then immediately asking for $40 seems like she is taking advantage of you, especially if it is someone that you are not close with.
1. Poke around and try to get a sense of (a) is it really coming from the person you think (b) is she asking lots of people for money (c) is there evidence of something going on that would be a legitimate crisis.
2. If you want to help, figure out what is the amount that you feel completely comfortable with giving (more or less than $60) and then offer that with a message that you want to help and this is what you can do and all that you can offer (not all you can afford but all you can offer her). Maybe add "all I can offer for 2021" if you would be open to request later but not soon. If your limit is $100, I would go ahead and offer $80 now. If you limit is $40, only offer $20 more.
3. Be very clear with yourself that this is hard limit and you will say no to anything else. You've done what felt right and now you will stop.
posted by metahawk at 4:04 PM on February 17, 2021 [1 favorite]
1. Poke around and try to get a sense of (a) is it really coming from the person you think (b) is she asking lots of people for money (c) is there evidence of something going on that would be a legitimate crisis.
2. If you want to help, figure out what is the amount that you feel completely comfortable with giving (more or less than $60) and then offer that with a message that you want to help and this is what you can do and all that you can offer (not all you can afford but all you can offer her). Maybe add "all I can offer for 2021" if you would be open to request later but not soon. If your limit is $100, I would go ahead and offer $80 now. If you limit is $40, only offer $20 more.
3. Be very clear with yourself that this is hard limit and you will say no to anything else. You've done what felt right and now you will stop.
posted by metahawk at 4:04 PM on February 17, 2021 [1 favorite]
Scams often begin with testing the waters before going in for the big score. Even if this isn't a scam, the same behavioral pattern may apply... what's possible?
posted by kokaku at 4:29 PM on February 17, 2021 [5 favorites]
posted by kokaku at 4:29 PM on February 17, 2021 [5 favorites]
I just wanted to add to my previous post that it is completely ok to say that $20 is as much as you feel comfortable giving. Even if it is completely legit, and even if you could give more without pain, you are entitled to decide what feels right for this very specific person and this very specific set of events. A different person at a different time, you might make a different choice. You don't need to give the maximum you can afford to everyone who asks.
posted by metahawk at 4:57 PM on February 17, 2021 [4 favorites]
posted by metahawk at 4:57 PM on February 17, 2021 [4 favorites]
It's good to be generous. But as a regular thing, it makes relationships cockeyed. It's very hard to not have resentment and/or mistrust creep in. The recipient can also feel those things. As with any charitable endeavor, decide what you can afford and what you are willing to give, and give it with good will, but don't allow yourself to be manipulated and don't get pushed past whatever limit you set.
You do not have to explain saying No. I need $40 to cover my medicine. *I'm sorry, that isn't possible right now.* or *I can't do that, but I could send you $10 next week.* or *I don't feel comfortable with requests for money, it's so awkward. I could give you 25/ month through a Patreon or GoFundMe.* I don't recommend any specific action, way too many unknowns, but it's okay to set your boundaries and you do not have to defend them.
posted by theora55 at 5:07 PM on February 17, 2021 [4 favorites]
You do not have to explain saying No. I need $40 to cover my medicine. *I'm sorry, that isn't possible right now.* or *I can't do that, but I could send you $10 next week.* or *I don't feel comfortable with requests for money, it's so awkward. I could give you 25/ month through a Patreon or GoFundMe.* I don't recommend any specific action, way too many unknowns, but it's okay to set your boundaries and you do not have to defend them.
posted by theora55 at 5:07 PM on February 17, 2021 [4 favorites]
You said you've never even met her, but how much do you know about her? Is she good friends with your 1 or 2 mutual friends? Have they talked about her as a good friend they care about? Have you had interactions with her on Facebook over a period of time, to the point where you consider her a FB friend, and not just a person on your Friends list? These questions might help you decide what to do.
Agree with everyone who said the first thing is to verify that her account hasn't been hacked.
But if it is really her, for someone to ask for money from someone they've never even met, that's unusual in my opinion. It could mean she's testing a bunch of people to see what she can get, or it could mean she's truly in need and desperate and doesn't know who to turn to. I would try and find out which it is.
posted by daikon at 6:13 PM on February 17, 2021 [4 favorites]
Agree with everyone who said the first thing is to verify that her account hasn't been hacked.
But if it is really her, for someone to ask for money from someone they've never even met, that's unusual in my opinion. It could mean she's testing a bunch of people to see what she can get, or it could mean she's truly in need and desperate and doesn't know who to turn to. I would try and find out which it is.
posted by daikon at 6:13 PM on February 17, 2021 [4 favorites]
I have been in the position of needing to borrow 20-60 dollars to get through the month, while being on disability. I found myself asking people I was less close with, because i would be less ashamed if they said no. It made the difference between being able to eat or not being able to eat. Also, typing was less emabarassing than not typing. I try to return the favour these days. Think,is my feeling scammed out of a little money worth more than helping someone eat? (If you cannot afford to, I think being blunt about your own finances, will be a way of building solidiatary)
posted by PinkMoose at 6:18 PM on February 17, 2021 [3 favorites]
posted by PinkMoose at 6:18 PM on February 17, 2021 [3 favorites]
This would have my identity theft spidey senses all a-tingle and I'd be doing whatever I could to verify that these requests were actually coming from the person they claimed to be before deciding how to proceed.
posted by flabdablet at 6:33 PM on February 17, 2021 [3 favorites]
posted by flabdablet at 6:33 PM on February 17, 2021 [3 favorites]
If someone only interacts with you on Facebook, that person is not your "friend".
posted by sourcequench at 8:33 PM on February 17, 2021 [2 favorites]
posted by sourcequench at 8:33 PM on February 17, 2021 [2 favorites]
If someone only interacts with you on Facebook, that person is not your "friend".
I have friends who I interact with only on Facebook. Heck, I have close relatives I interact with only on Facebook. We're in a pandemic.
However, in this case I'd say it's 99% likely you're not talking to who you think you are.
If they are real, and you don't want to be their source of money, there's also the old Mefi standby "I'm sorry, that won't be possible."
posted by mmoncur at 9:10 PM on February 17, 2021 [5 favorites]
I have friends who I interact with only on Facebook. Heck, I have close relatives I interact with only on Facebook. We're in a pandemic.
However, in this case I'd say it's 99% likely you're not talking to who you think you are.
If they are real, and you don't want to be their source of money, there's also the old Mefi standby "I'm sorry, that won't be possible."
posted by mmoncur at 9:10 PM on February 17, 2021 [5 favorites]
How often have you two messaged about anything other than her money woes? Having never met in person is one thing; having no real connection other than mutual friends and online panhandling is another.
I think your empathy is admirable! I think it’s also highly likely that someone is taking advantage of it. If you’re truly feeling generous, you could offer to (e.g.) call the pharmacy and pay them directly for her Rx. She might backpedal, at which point you’d know for sure who you’re dealing with. (When people approach my priest for financial help, he has them identify the bill they need covered, and he writes a cheque from his discretionary fund to the vendor. No cash payments. Transparency is a good thing!)
Pointing her to social services or a mutual aid group is also a generous thing, because it’s taking your time and energy to hunt down that info, and...sorry, but also potentially to field her responses about why she’d reeeeeally rather you just send her money instead. Not saying there will inevitably be a guilt trip or an interrogation of your character/loyalty/friendship, just saying it’s a possible follow-up. Ask me how I know.
Definitely ask the mutual friends if they’re experiencing similar interactions with her, or if they’re aware of any problems. It’s not even necessarily an outright scam! But if she’s in dire enough straits to be begging from online acquaintances, something is off.
In your shoes, I would be very concerned about establishing a pattern of expectations, even if her needs (and identity!) are genuine. This isn’t normal or healthy. Skepticism is!
posted by armeowda at 12:01 AM on February 18, 2021 [3 favorites]
I think your empathy is admirable! I think it’s also highly likely that someone is taking advantage of it. If you’re truly feeling generous, you could offer to (e.g.) call the pharmacy and pay them directly for her Rx. She might backpedal, at which point you’d know for sure who you’re dealing with. (When people approach my priest for financial help, he has them identify the bill they need covered, and he writes a cheque from his discretionary fund to the vendor. No cash payments. Transparency is a good thing!)
Pointing her to social services or a mutual aid group is also a generous thing, because it’s taking your time and energy to hunt down that info, and...sorry, but also potentially to field her responses about why she’d reeeeeally rather you just send her money instead. Not saying there will inevitably be a guilt trip or an interrogation of your character/loyalty/friendship, just saying it’s a possible follow-up. Ask me how I know.
Definitely ask the mutual friends if they’re experiencing similar interactions with her, or if they’re aware of any problems. It’s not even necessarily an outright scam! But if she’s in dire enough straits to be begging from online acquaintances, something is off.
In your shoes, I would be very concerned about establishing a pattern of expectations, even if her needs (and identity!) are genuine. This isn’t normal or healthy. Skepticism is!
posted by armeowda at 12:01 AM on February 18, 2021 [3 favorites]
You've never even met her. Simply unfriend (is that what it is called?) her on Facebook and move on.
posted by a3matrix at 7:24 AM on February 18, 2021 [4 favorites]
posted by a3matrix at 7:24 AM on February 18, 2021 [4 favorites]
First, I disagree with those who say that you can't have a genuine friendship with people you've only met online. It's OK for them to think differently, of course, but I am all about friendships that start or even happen entirely online.
Second, people are really hurting these days. Especially single women from poor backgrounds. She may be trying to con you or she may simply be desperate and see you as a kind person who has a lot of resources. We send a lot of messages about our financial status online, even without any direct mentions, and sometimes unsavory people -- or simply people in need -- pick up on them.
If you want to give the $40 -- or even just $5-20, then do it. If not, then a simple "I can't but good luck." There are people I've helped before -- people I know in person -- who will ask again and I politely turn them down and they respectfully understand and don't ask again. Regardless of what you choose to do, if she keeps asking for more, you can say no and/or take an action that seems fitting. Go with your gut here: being generous is good but not when it makes you feel uncomfortable.
posted by smorgasbord at 9:30 PM on February 18, 2021
Second, people are really hurting these days. Especially single women from poor backgrounds. She may be trying to con you or she may simply be desperate and see you as a kind person who has a lot of resources. We send a lot of messages about our financial status online, even without any direct mentions, and sometimes unsavory people -- or simply people in need -- pick up on them.
If you want to give the $40 -- or even just $5-20, then do it. If not, then a simple "I can't but good luck." There are people I've helped before -- people I know in person -- who will ask again and I politely turn them down and they respectfully understand and don't ask again. Regardless of what you choose to do, if she keeps asking for more, you can say no and/or take an action that seems fitting. Go with your gut here: being generous is good but not when it makes you feel uncomfortable.
posted by smorgasbord at 9:30 PM on February 18, 2021
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posted by jabes at 2:00 PM on February 17, 2021 [23 favorites]