Starting a dream job but also have very sick pet. Need advice.
February 2, 2021 7:26 AM Subscribe
I got a job at a great tech company. I start Feb 22. Today I found out our dog has cancer and the first oncologist appointment is an all-day one on 2/23. What do I do?
The job I got is the type of job I’ve wanted for my entire 20 year career. They seem like a great company and very employee focused. They stress work life balance and have on campus fairs twice a year. That kind of place.
I fought to get this job and finally got it after months of interviews.
They asked about start date and so I can give notice to my current employer I said 2/22.
Well as I said, my dog has been sick. After weeks of vet tests they found a large tumor in his stomach. My wife and I are some of those “pet parents” that have such an attachment to our dog that this is devastating to us. Tears have been shed. My dogs fate isn’t sealed until we see the oncologist, but it’s not looking good.
I REALLY don’t want my wife to go alone to the oncology appointment for many reasons:
*I want to be there to ask questions and hear first hand what he says.
*Due to COVID my wife has to wait in the car between the consult and the already-scheduled CAT scan. Sitting there alone with her thoughts.
*If it’s bad news I want to be there to help console my wife.
*There is no way I’m going to be able to concentrate on work with the appointment going on.
We are first on the cancellation list of the oncologist has a cancellation. But I can’t count on this.
So I don’t know what to do.
I think I have a two day orientation at work. I don’t feel I can miss one day if that. Even if I don’t have orientation, I don’t think it’s a good look for a senior professional to ask for day 2 off for my dog. I want to make a good first impression and impress my managers.
But obviously if this were my child I’d ask the company if they’d rather me miss a day or start later. I’m not sure they’d be AS understanding about a dog, though.
So I don’t know what to do? Ask to push out my start date? (They start every other Monday so that would be Mar 8). Do I ask for the day off? Do I suck it up?
The job I got is the type of job I’ve wanted for my entire 20 year career. They seem like a great company and very employee focused. They stress work life balance and have on campus fairs twice a year. That kind of place.
I fought to get this job and finally got it after months of interviews.
They asked about start date and so I can give notice to my current employer I said 2/22.
Well as I said, my dog has been sick. After weeks of vet tests they found a large tumor in his stomach. My wife and I are some of those “pet parents” that have such an attachment to our dog that this is devastating to us. Tears have been shed. My dogs fate isn’t sealed until we see the oncologist, but it’s not looking good.
I REALLY don’t want my wife to go alone to the oncology appointment for many reasons:
*I want to be there to ask questions and hear first hand what he says.
*Due to COVID my wife has to wait in the car between the consult and the already-scheduled CAT scan. Sitting there alone with her thoughts.
*If it’s bad news I want to be there to help console my wife.
*There is no way I’m going to be able to concentrate on work with the appointment going on.
We are first on the cancellation list of the oncologist has a cancellation. But I can’t count on this.
So I don’t know what to do.
I think I have a two day orientation at work. I don’t feel I can miss one day if that. Even if I don’t have orientation, I don’t think it’s a good look for a senior professional to ask for day 2 off for my dog. I want to make a good first impression and impress my managers.
But obviously if this were my child I’d ask the company if they’d rather me miss a day or start later. I’m not sure they’d be AS understanding about a dog, though.
So I don’t know what to do? Ask to push out my start date? (They start every other Monday so that would be Mar 8). Do I ask for the day off? Do I suck it up?
Personally I'd ask to push out the start date to March 8th due to "family illness"/"family emergency"/etc. Then hopefully you can either use sick time or vacation at your current job or just have a little breather between jobs.
Sorry to hear about your pup :(
posted by jabes at 7:32 AM on February 2, 2021 [17 favorites]
Sorry to hear about your pup :(
posted by jabes at 7:32 AM on February 2, 2021 [17 favorites]
I would consider telling them that a family illness has come up and asking to start a day or two later. I personally would not tell them it is about a pet. I think you would run the risk of people drawing bad impressions if they know it is a pet (unfairly, but drawing them nonetheless).
posted by Mid at 7:34 AM on February 2, 2021 [33 favorites]
posted by Mid at 7:34 AM on February 2, 2021 [33 favorites]
Have you talked to the oncologist office and explained the situation? You're on the cancellation list, but do they know why?
So sorry about your doggo, being a pet parent is so heartbreaking at times.
posted by cgg at 7:35 AM on February 2, 2021 [3 favorites]
So sorry about your doggo, being a pet parent is so heartbreaking at times.
posted by cgg at 7:35 AM on February 2, 2021 [3 favorites]
I think you have to just explain the situation and ask, and the sooner the better. It might be a complete non-issue for you to start on March 1st rather than Februrary 22nd, but it will almost definitely be easier if you ask today rather than asking in a week or two.
I don't think saying it's a family emergency and not saying that it's your dog really helps all that much... the kinds of people who would not be open to you starting late because of a pet-related emergency are going to feel like you misrepresented the situation if/when they find out. And regardless of the outcome of this particular vet visit you're probably going to still be working through dog stuff for a while.
posted by mskyle at 7:40 AM on February 2, 2021 [5 favorites]
I don't think saying it's a family emergency and not saying that it's your dog really helps all that much... the kinds of people who would not be open to you starting late because of a pet-related emergency are going to feel like you misrepresented the situation if/when they find out. And regardless of the outcome of this particular vet visit you're probably going to still be working through dog stuff for a while.
posted by mskyle at 7:40 AM on February 2, 2021 [5 favorites]
The job I got is the type of job I’ve wanted for my entire 20 year career. They seem like a great company and very employee focused. They stress work life balance and have on campus fairs twice a year. That kind of place.
This sounds like a place that wouldn't blink an eye about delaying a start date by a couple of weeks.
As a general comment, I don't really want to know too much about the personal circumstances of my employees. Delaying a start date has no direct cost, and is fairly common. If I were your manager, I'd prefer you just say "something came up and I need to start two weeks later."
posted by saeculorum at 7:48 AM on February 2, 2021 [15 favorites]
This sounds like a place that wouldn't blink an eye about delaying a start date by a couple of weeks.
As a general comment, I don't really want to know too much about the personal circumstances of my employees. Delaying a start date has no direct cost, and is fairly common. If I were your manager, I'd prefer you just say "something came up and I need to start two weeks later."
posted by saeculorum at 7:48 AM on February 2, 2021 [15 favorites]
Talk to them. It's not crazy. You're not crazy. They're probably not crazy. Just say that something unexpected came up and you won't be available on 2/23, and potentially for a couple of days after. Ask how they'd like to handle it. If there's a two-day orientation, could you do the first day and then complete the second during the next round? Would it be better just to do the orientation on 3/8? Could you still start without doing orientation? Let them figure it out. That's what managers and HR people are paid to do. Apologize profusely.
Don't sweat the fact that it's a dog too much. That's not really important to what you're trying to accomplish. It could be that your car is scheduled to go into the shop, or you're having someone come out to work on your furnace, or even that your old job asked you to stay on a couple of days longer to finish up a project. Any of those would be the same ask, and the company would probably react the same way.
posted by kevinbelt at 7:59 AM on February 2, 2021 [8 favorites]
Don't sweat the fact that it's a dog too much. That's not really important to what you're trying to accomplish. It could be that your car is scheduled to go into the shop, or you're having someone come out to work on your furnace, or even that your old job asked you to stay on a couple of days longer to finish up a project. Any of those would be the same ask, and the company would probably react the same way.
posted by kevinbelt at 7:59 AM on February 2, 2021 [8 favorites]
I guarantee that you care about your pet more than they care about whether you start on a specific day. Talk to them about pushing the start date, you don't have to even mention the reason.
posted by RobotVoodooPower at 8:12 AM on February 2, 2021 [7 favorites]
posted by RobotVoodooPower at 8:12 AM on February 2, 2021 [7 favorites]
They weren't going to be shocked if you gave a 4-week start date to begin with, so I would just go back to them and ask to bump to 3/8 instead. I would be vague but upbeat - "I'm so excited to start, but the timing turned out to be a little too tight."
I work for a company that would have been fine with specifics about my sick dog, but I wouldn't have wanted that to be the first thing my new management knows about me, you know? Just let them assume you're staying a few extra days at the old job to complete your handoff, or that you're taking two weeks off (I had a ton of people at the new job ask why I took only a few days off between jobs, given everything going on) to rest and start fresh.
posted by Lyn Never at 9:16 AM on February 2, 2021 [11 favorites]
I work for a company that would have been fine with specifics about my sick dog, but I wouldn't have wanted that to be the first thing my new management knows about me, you know? Just let them assume you're staying a few extra days at the old job to complete your handoff, or that you're taking two weeks off (I had a ton of people at the new job ask why I took only a few days off between jobs, given everything going on) to rest and start fresh.
posted by Lyn Never at 9:16 AM on February 2, 2021 [11 favorites]
I agree with a lot of the advice in this thread: pushing back a start date is totally normal and you don't have to go into too much detail.
Just to offer some perspective from a personal experience: almost this exact thing happened to me (although it wasn't my dream job, just A New Job). The interview process was almost over when I found out my beloved soulmate once-in-a-lifetime dog was sick, and when they offered me a job, I told them I needed an extra month. In my case, I did tell them why--"office dogs" were part of the company culture and we had talked about my dogs in the interview process--but in retrospect I probably over-shared. Oh well! I was grieving the imminent lost of my best friend! I don't regret any of my choices. But a couple years out, I can see that what felt like an intensely complicated and fraught situation in my head was actually pretty unremarkable on the company's side.
Ultimately, it's very normal for start dates to be negotiated depending on life circumstances. You're allowed to prioritize your family's needs. I'm so sorry your dog is sick.
posted by adastra at 11:20 AM on February 2, 2021 [1 favorite]
Just to offer some perspective from a personal experience: almost this exact thing happened to me (although it wasn't my dream job, just A New Job). The interview process was almost over when I found out my beloved soulmate once-in-a-lifetime dog was sick, and when they offered me a job, I told them I needed an extra month. In my case, I did tell them why--"office dogs" were part of the company culture and we had talked about my dogs in the interview process--but in retrospect I probably over-shared. Oh well! I was grieving the imminent lost of my best friend! I don't regret any of my choices. But a couple years out, I can see that what felt like an intensely complicated and fraught situation in my head was actually pretty unremarkable on the company's side.
Ultimately, it's very normal for start dates to be negotiated depending on life circumstances. You're allowed to prioritize your family's needs. I'm so sorry your dog is sick.
posted by adastra at 11:20 AM on February 2, 2021 [1 favorite]
> I got a job at a great tech company. [...] I fought to get this job and finally got it after months of interviews.
New Employer's perspective is probably a mix of things like:
1. we have an arduous hiring process because we want to identify great people who can add a lot of value. So once we've found someone we think is great who we want to extend a job offer to, we really want to close the deal so we get them. We don't care so much about other details provided we can get them to agree to come on board!
2. our internal systems & processes are complex and weird and different from other organisations. We expect new hires to take a while to learn and ramp up before they are able to produce value. This usually takes 6 months -- 12 months.
The only kind of scenario I can imagine where they might be highly start-date sensitive is that you're some kind of specialist/consultant in X, and they have a business critical project that is at risk of failing due to some X-related mess, and they want some outside expert to parachute in to start firefighting and attempt to salvage the project, i.e. the expectation is that you hit the ground running and produce immediate value. If this is what they're looking for I reckon this expectation would have been clearly communicated to you during the hiring process, and also the interview process would not have taken months.
In both of these cases your new manager / HR should be open and flexible to shifting your start date, as really, what difference does it make?
When you communicate with your new manager/HR it might be wise to reiterate that you are still committed to the role and keen to start (i.e. you're not thinking of blowing up the deal and running off to go work for a competitor). Then: unfortunately ${new personal/family circumstances} have arose that you will need some days to deal with around the previously planned start date. Would the best option be to push the start date back by ${2 weeks}?
posted by are-coral-made at 11:28 AM on February 2, 2021
New Employer's perspective is probably a mix of things like:
1. we have an arduous hiring process because we want to identify great people who can add a lot of value. So once we've found someone we think is great who we want to extend a job offer to, we really want to close the deal so we get them. We don't care so much about other details provided we can get them to agree to come on board!
2. our internal systems & processes are complex and weird and different from other organisations. We expect new hires to take a while to learn and ramp up before they are able to produce value. This usually takes 6 months -- 12 months.
The only kind of scenario I can imagine where they might be highly start-date sensitive is that you're some kind of specialist/consultant in X, and they have a business critical project that is at risk of failing due to some X-related mess, and they want some outside expert to parachute in to start firefighting and attempt to salvage the project, i.e. the expectation is that you hit the ground running and produce immediate value. If this is what they're looking for I reckon this expectation would have been clearly communicated to you during the hiring process, and also the interview process would not have taken months.
In both of these cases your new manager / HR should be open and flexible to shifting your start date, as really, what difference does it make?
When you communicate with your new manager/HR it might be wise to reiterate that you are still committed to the role and keen to start (i.e. you're not thinking of blowing up the deal and running off to go work for a competitor). Then: unfortunately ${new personal/family circumstances} have arose that you will need some days to deal with around the previously planned start date. Would the best option be to push the start date back by ${2 weeks}?
posted by are-coral-made at 11:28 AM on February 2, 2021
I don't work in the same industry but I do see the start date notices as a part of my responsibilities and people at my company push back their start dates all the time. Sometimes for just a day or two and plenty of times for a week hence. I don't think it's all that unusual and asking to push a start date back by a day or two or a week is actually fairly common from what I see.
posted by rdnnyc at 12:02 PM on February 2, 2021
posted by rdnnyc at 12:02 PM on February 2, 2021
Just going to echo that people push back start dates all the time, you can be as specific as you want, and I seriously don't think anyone will care.
If you have to push it two weeks, speaking as someone who lived through a cat fighting cancer for a couple years, you may be happy for those two weeks to get your emotional self together.
I'm so sorry, this is the worst.
posted by Medieval Maven at 12:42 PM on February 2, 2021
If you have to push it two weeks, speaking as someone who lived through a cat fighting cancer for a couple years, you may be happy for those two weeks to get your emotional self together.
I'm so sorry, this is the worst.
posted by Medieval Maven at 12:42 PM on February 2, 2021
So sorry about your pup! That is really tough. I would ask to start later, but make sure that doesn't impact your benefits in a way that will hurt you somehow (like, if you start in February does that mean a benefit can start March 1 but if you start in March you have to wait til April 1?).
I would also think pretty hard about how this is going to play out with your dog. I hear that you want to be there with your wife all day, but your dog might also have multiple appointments after this one, and you might think about how you will handle this going forward.
Gently, I'd also like to say that ... maybe think about having your wife go alone? I'm sorry if that makes me sound like a monster. Or at least maybe think about this for a day or so before you talk to the company, and talk to your wife, and see what you think once things have settled down a bit.
posted by bluedaisy at 2:02 PM on February 2, 2021 [1 favorite]
I would also think pretty hard about how this is going to play out with your dog. I hear that you want to be there with your wife all day, but your dog might also have multiple appointments after this one, and you might think about how you will handle this going forward.
Gently, I'd also like to say that ... maybe think about having your wife go alone? I'm sorry if that makes me sound like a monster. Or at least maybe think about this for a day or so before you talk to the company, and talk to your wife, and see what you think once things have settled down a bit.
posted by bluedaisy at 2:02 PM on February 2, 2021 [1 favorite]
I'm sorry about your pup; this is so hard.
I've changed start dates on half my jobs. If the position was open for any length of time, the company has made do without someone in that role. So they don't miss what they haven't had. Please don't say it's a family member -- some of your co-workers may not find that understandable, should it come out in the future.
I've always written a variation of this: due to unexpected circumstances, I'm going to need to push my start date by (week / month / once I pushed six months because I had just signed a contract for the duration of a tv show season) and every single company said yes. If they are as good as you say they are, they won't even blink twice. Be firm, gentle, professional, and do not offer more info than necessary.
posted by lemon_icing at 8:44 PM on February 2, 2021 [1 favorite]
I've changed start dates on half my jobs. If the position was open for any length of time, the company has made do without someone in that role. So they don't miss what they haven't had. Please don't say it's a family member -- some of your co-workers may not find that understandable, should it come out in the future.
I've always written a variation of this: due to unexpected circumstances, I'm going to need to push my start date by (week / month / once I pushed six months because I had just signed a contract for the duration of a tv show season) and every single company said yes. If they are as good as you say they are, they won't even blink twice. Be firm, gentle, professional, and do not offer more info than necessary.
posted by lemon_icing at 8:44 PM on February 2, 2021 [1 favorite]
My current job had a delayed start because I misread the date as July 17th instead of Jun 17th.
Talk about a good first impression!!
That was 17 years ago.
Hiring people is a pain.
Hiring good people is a real pain.
For them the hard part is over and another couple of weeks is nothing.
posted by fullerine at 1:10 AM on February 3, 2021
Talk about a good first impression!!
That was 17 years ago.
Hiring people is a pain.
Hiring good people is a real pain.
For them the hard part is over and another couple of weeks is nothing.
posted by fullerine at 1:10 AM on February 3, 2021
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Most employers aren't monsters and will understand that pets are important, and emergencies happen.
posted by ook at 7:32 AM on February 2, 2021 [10 favorites]