Friendship feeling unbalanced
January 16, 2021 1:15 PM Subscribe
Would I be wrong to walk away?
I’ve been friends with “Stephanie” for a couple of years after working in an unpleasant work environment together and feeling like allies there. We both like beer, a certain brand of snarky humor, and were enrolled in the same graduate program at different schools at the same time. We’re similar in age but at different life stages. I am married and have a non year old child, and a new baby on the way. She really values her freedom, loves travel, and is an active Tinderer. In the past there has been some tension because I have to attend to family/work duties and don’t have time to hang out or am kind of hard to schedule.
She asks me for more favors than most of my other friends, generally related to school or work. For example, asking me to find citations/articles related to her topic, proofread stuff, practice interview her for job. She’s asked me about four times to write down and email her all the interview questions I’ve been asked for different jobs, and recommend how to answer them.
When my mom died in March I didn’t try to talk with her about grief, I just told her my mom died suddenly, and she said “I don’t really have the emotional bandwidth to talk about that” and I respected her boundary.
In August I found out I was pregnant and had a difficult first trimester. She was really the only friend who didn’t check in about how I was feeling or ask if they could help in some way.
Now I’m approaching third trimester, parenting, and working full time. I have iron deficient anemia and on Sunday I slept for twenty hours. This week I was supposed to have a FaceTime call with Stephanie but accidentally fell asleep while putting my nine year old to bed. Stephanie was really pissed.
This relationship feels unbalanced, and I don’t feel like Stephanie has been supportive the way my other friends have. I also give her more than I give my other friends, in terms of career and school help. I’m frankly feeling kind of used.
The mature thing to do is probably to talk to Stephanie and tell her how I feel, but I think it’s possible she’s be really defensive or sarcastic, and *I* don’t have the bandwidth for that.
I would like to walk away from this friendship, but I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable. In general I usually don’t like to sever ties with people as the solution to problems, but this has started to feel really burdensome and isn’t really bringing me any joy.
I’ve been friends with “Stephanie” for a couple of years after working in an unpleasant work environment together and feeling like allies there. We both like beer, a certain brand of snarky humor, and were enrolled in the same graduate program at different schools at the same time. We’re similar in age but at different life stages. I am married and have a non year old child, and a new baby on the way. She really values her freedom, loves travel, and is an active Tinderer. In the past there has been some tension because I have to attend to family/work duties and don’t have time to hang out or am kind of hard to schedule.
She asks me for more favors than most of my other friends, generally related to school or work. For example, asking me to find citations/articles related to her topic, proofread stuff, practice interview her for job. She’s asked me about four times to write down and email her all the interview questions I’ve been asked for different jobs, and recommend how to answer them.
When my mom died in March I didn’t try to talk with her about grief, I just told her my mom died suddenly, and she said “I don’t really have the emotional bandwidth to talk about that” and I respected her boundary.
In August I found out I was pregnant and had a difficult first trimester. She was really the only friend who didn’t check in about how I was feeling or ask if they could help in some way.
Now I’m approaching third trimester, parenting, and working full time. I have iron deficient anemia and on Sunday I slept for twenty hours. This week I was supposed to have a FaceTime call with Stephanie but accidentally fell asleep while putting my nine year old to bed. Stephanie was really pissed.
This relationship feels unbalanced, and I don’t feel like Stephanie has been supportive the way my other friends have. I also give her more than I give my other friends, in terms of career and school help. I’m frankly feeling kind of used.
The mature thing to do is probably to talk to Stephanie and tell her how I feel, but I think it’s possible she’s be really defensive or sarcastic, and *I* don’t have the bandwidth for that.
I would like to walk away from this friendship, but I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable. In general I usually don’t like to sever ties with people as the solution to problems, but this has started to feel really burdensome and isn’t really bringing me any joy.
I would first say yes, this sounds unbalanced and it's fine to walk away. However, if you personally feel that might be too much or maybe your thinking might shift, it's okay to just put a pause on things and say "Hey I have to take a breather from this until the baby or born and I get over this anemia" (or something) if you think you may be on the receiving end of some grar from her.
But honestly, some people just are needy and not good at being reciprocal in friendships, and maybe they're great friends otherwise or maybe they're not. You've had a lot going on lately, she hasn't been helpful and, more to the point, she hasn't been understanding of the issues you are dealing with. It's possible you didn't fully share how hard it's been (understandable!) but in any case, it's fine to put a boundary around this, you have other friends. Take care of you and don't put yourself in situations that don't feel okay to you.
posted by jessamyn at 1:42 PM on January 16, 2021 [5 favorites]
But honestly, some people just are needy and not good at being reciprocal in friendships, and maybe they're great friends otherwise or maybe they're not. You've had a lot going on lately, she hasn't been helpful and, more to the point, she hasn't been understanding of the issues you are dealing with. It's possible you didn't fully share how hard it's been (understandable!) but in any case, it's fine to put a boundary around this, you have other friends. Take care of you and don't put yourself in situations that don't feel okay to you.
posted by jessamyn at 1:42 PM on January 16, 2021 [5 favorites]
The mature thing to do is probably to talk to Stephanie and tell her how I feel
I really don't think that's true. I think what people actually do is the best indicator of what they want to do. And what Stephanie demonstrably wants to do is not listen to you, not be supportive when you need support, and make bizarre demands (the one about writing down and emailing every interview question is a GIANT WHAT; and the ones about doing her research for her are also... suggestive that maybe this boundary should have been drawn long ago.)
It's one thing to sometimes prioritize other things but still be a friend. That's not what Stephanie' record suggests, though. She's a taker. I don't think talking to her about it is going to improve anything.
Yeah, let it fade.
posted by fingersandtoes at 1:44 PM on January 16, 2021 [28 favorites]
I really don't think that's true. I think what people actually do is the best indicator of what they want to do. And what Stephanie demonstrably wants to do is not listen to you, not be supportive when you need support, and make bizarre demands (the one about writing down and emailing every interview question is a GIANT WHAT; and the ones about doing her research for her are also... suggestive that maybe this boundary should have been drawn long ago.)
It's one thing to sometimes prioritize other things but still be a friend. That's not what Stephanie' record suggests, though. She's a taker. I don't think talking to her about it is going to improve anything.
Yeah, let it fade.
posted by fingersandtoes at 1:44 PM on January 16, 2021 [28 favorites]
If you think you might want to reconnect down the line, when your life isn’t quite so overloaded with Big Life Stuff, you might set a boundary with her the way she did with you previously - just a simple “hey shit is heavy right now, I don’t have the bandwidth to help with interview questions” the next time she asks. I wonder how that will go over, her reaction might be telling.
As an aside, I am someone who did some grad school and it would never have occurred to me that it was possible to ask a friend/colleague to do my citations for me? That’s work people get paid for, they are called research assistants. At most I might have flagged a nice juicy reference for someone to whom I knew it would be of interest and sent it to them with a “hey this seems up your alley.”
posted by Lawn Beaver at 1:46 PM on January 16, 2021 [6 favorites]
As an aside, I am someone who did some grad school and it would never have occurred to me that it was possible to ask a friend/colleague to do my citations for me? That’s work people get paid for, they are called research assistants. At most I might have flagged a nice juicy reference for someone to whom I knew it would be of interest and sent it to them with a “hey this seems up your alley.”
posted by Lawn Beaver at 1:46 PM on January 16, 2021 [6 favorites]
No, you're not being unreasonable. I had a friend like this (who I'll call D), someone I met at my gym, who came to work for the same employer as me. We'd hang out together at weekends, but it was always me who'd have to drive and collect her from her house, even if where we were going meant I had to double-back and it would have been easier for her to pick me up. I always felt I was doing the running.
Both our marriages broke up, and she ended up moving up north. We'd talk on the phone regularly, but I noticed that it was mostly her talking about herself, her life, her various (many) ailments, and she'd only ask how I was as an afterthought towards the end of the conversation. After a while I deliberately stopped volunteering any information about myself, to see if she'd ask what I'd been up to, and she never did.
The final straw was when my fiance died suddenly. She was the first person I called, and she was out, so I left a message. Another friend took me over to her house that night, so I missed D's call back. But she said how sorry she was to hear that Bob had died. My fiance's name was George. That was how little interest D had in my life, that she couldn't even bother to remember my fiance's name - and I'd said in my phone message that George had died.
After that, I didn't speak to her much. The last time I spoke to her was about a year later, after I'd spent Christmas in the States with George's family. I talked to D in January, when she jabbered on for 90 minutes about herself and what she'd been doing over Christmas. Finally she said "Did you have a nice Christmas?" and I said yes I had, I'd been to Ohio. She said "you kept that quiet" and I said "well if you'd asked me when we talked in December what I was doing for Christmas, I'd have told you, but you never ask me anything about myself."
After that, she didn't call me and I didn't call her. I realised that she had no interest in me at all, and I felt sad, because we'd had some great times together. But this was no longer a friendship. It took me a while to realise it - I'm not a person who makes friends easily and so whenever I've formed a friendship with someone, I'm reluctant to let it go.
It sounds to me that Stephanie is your 'D' in this situation. For me, letting go of my friendship with D was exactly the right thing to do, and I think it would be for you in your friendship with Stephanie.
posted by essexjan at 1:47 PM on January 16, 2021 [13 favorites]
Both our marriages broke up, and she ended up moving up north. We'd talk on the phone regularly, but I noticed that it was mostly her talking about herself, her life, her various (many) ailments, and she'd only ask how I was as an afterthought towards the end of the conversation. After a while I deliberately stopped volunteering any information about myself, to see if she'd ask what I'd been up to, and she never did.
The final straw was when my fiance died suddenly. She was the first person I called, and she was out, so I left a message. Another friend took me over to her house that night, so I missed D's call back. But she said how sorry she was to hear that Bob had died. My fiance's name was George. That was how little interest D had in my life, that she couldn't even bother to remember my fiance's name - and I'd said in my phone message that George had died.
After that, I didn't speak to her much. The last time I spoke to her was about a year later, after I'd spent Christmas in the States with George's family. I talked to D in January, when she jabbered on for 90 minutes about herself and what she'd been doing over Christmas. Finally she said "Did you have a nice Christmas?" and I said yes I had, I'd been to Ohio. She said "you kept that quiet" and I said "well if you'd asked me when we talked in December what I was doing for Christmas, I'd have told you, but you never ask me anything about myself."
After that, she didn't call me and I didn't call her. I realised that she had no interest in me at all, and I felt sad, because we'd had some great times together. But this was no longer a friendship. It took me a while to realise it - I'm not a person who makes friends easily and so whenever I've formed a friendship with someone, I'm reluctant to let it go.
It sounds to me that Stephanie is your 'D' in this situation. For me, letting go of my friendship with D was exactly the right thing to do, and I think it would be for you in your friendship with Stephanie.
posted by essexjan at 1:47 PM on January 16, 2021 [13 favorites]
If you're not getting anything good from this friendship (besides beer and humor), it's fine to walk away. Once you have your second child it should be easy to just let it fade. If you're not ready to do that, start saying no to whichever favors are inconvenient or a pain in the ass. And every time you make plans with her, remind her that you're a mom and may have to cancel.
posted by wryly at 1:49 PM on January 16, 2021
posted by wryly at 1:49 PM on January 16, 2021
You are perfectly justified in bringing the friendship to an end. There is no need to feel guilt. Not all friendships are meant to be forever, and that's okay. Retain your memories of the good times the two of you had, but let Stephanie move on.
posted by SageTrail at 1:55 PM on January 16, 2021
posted by SageTrail at 1:55 PM on January 16, 2021
It's fine to walk away, but it's also fine to just set some reasonable limits on your ability to engage with her and respectfully refuse to be drawn beyond them, if that would make you feel better. She clearly has no qualms about asking for what she wants (citations? People pay other people for that stuff, they're called research assistants). Interview questions? There are a million resources on the internet for that).
She's also clearly articulated her own boundaries by telling you she doesn't have the emotional bandwidth to help you in return. So if she asks something ridiculous like that, it's not unreasonable to say something like "Hoo boy! I just don't have the time or energy for that right now, good luck with it!" Just because she asks for stuff does not make you obligated to provide it at the expense of your health or schedule.
I guess what I'm saying is that the alternatives are not "best friends who would do anything for one another" or "totally ending the friendship". It's really okay to just let things lapse into a vaguely friendly acquaintanceship where you keep track of one another's social media and text a "congrats on the new job" or similar every once in a while.
posted by The Elusive Architeuthis at 1:59 PM on January 16, 2021 [15 favorites]
She's also clearly articulated her own boundaries by telling you she doesn't have the emotional bandwidth to help you in return. So if she asks something ridiculous like that, it's not unreasonable to say something like "Hoo boy! I just don't have the time or energy for that right now, good luck with it!" Just because she asks for stuff does not make you obligated to provide it at the expense of your health or schedule.
I guess what I'm saying is that the alternatives are not "best friends who would do anything for one another" or "totally ending the friendship". It's really okay to just let things lapse into a vaguely friendly acquaintanceship where you keep track of one another's social media and text a "congrats on the new job" or similar every once in a while.
posted by The Elusive Architeuthis at 1:59 PM on January 16, 2021 [15 favorites]
Some people are perfectly fine friends as long as they stay at a certain level of superficiality. It sounds like she was a good enough friend while you were working together, but the friendship was not meant to extend outside of that setting, or for her to support you beyond work woes. It's interesting that she has the EQ vocabulary to play the "not enough emotional bandwidth" card when you need support, but she's not willing to extend you the same grace when you're clearly overwhelmed.
I don't know that a direct conversation about this is going to have any positive effect. If you're fine with blowing up the friendship and want her to know exactly why you're walking away, then yes, talking to her will serve your aim. But if you're hoping it'll be a wake-up call for her to get her head out of her own ass and start being a real friend, I think that's unrealistic. I'm a pretty big fan of the slow fade. If she wants to know why you're not putting time into the friendship anymore, she's free to ask you. And how she asks will tell you a lot about whether she's sincerely open to acknowledging her failings as a friend, or if she's still stuck on herself.
posted by keep it under cover at 2:57 PM on January 16, 2021 [5 favorites]
I don't know that a direct conversation about this is going to have any positive effect. If you're fine with blowing up the friendship and want her to know exactly why you're walking away, then yes, talking to her will serve your aim. But if you're hoping it'll be a wake-up call for her to get her head out of her own ass and start being a real friend, I think that's unrealistic. I'm a pretty big fan of the slow fade. If she wants to know why you're not putting time into the friendship anymore, she's free to ask you. And how she asks will tell you a lot about whether she's sincerely open to acknowledging her failings as a friend, or if she's still stuck on herself.
posted by keep it under cover at 2:57 PM on January 16, 2021 [5 favorites]
What did you say when she asked you for things you didn’t want to give/felt burdened by? I wonder if there’s an aspect of ask/guess here, if you sort of deflected with “oh, right, I just haven’t gotten to it! [because it’s incredibly onerous, and I am busy]” or “yikes, that’s like a whole novel! I can’t do that! [happy topic change]” and she kept badgering. If it’s okay for her to say “I can’t deal with this right now,” does she make it okay for you to say the same sometimes? No one has to stay friends with anyone, and I think a slow fade is already naturally happening here — which is easier to come back from, in my experience, should you decide to — but I wonder if meeting directness with directness is doable move.
posted by Charity Garfein at 2:58 PM on January 16, 2021 [4 favorites]
posted by Charity Garfein at 2:58 PM on January 16, 2021 [4 favorites]
As others have said, if a friendship isn't working for you, you don't need a reason to end it.
That said, I'm a little more sympathetic towards Stephanie than some of the others have been. In grad school I regularly asked friends to do all the things (more or less) Stephanie asked of you as well as did those things for my friends in return (yes, even recommending articles/citations! Why would anyone hire a research assistant if they just want to know what they should read on topic "x"?). So I don't see it as odd she asked. Did you ever ask her similar favors in return?
And in terms of grief- well, some wonderful people are bad with dealing with death.
And as for the pregnancy, have you told her about how hard it's been? I'm a childless woman in my 30s, and pregnancy is pretty much an abstraction to me. I know enough to know to ask my pregnant friends "how's the pregnancy going?" but that's about it. If one of them asked me for help, I'd happily give it, but nothing about pregnancy is intuitive to me.
In short, she sounds a bit self-absorbed, but it's hard to tell from what you've written if this couldn't be solved with you being more assertive or communicative. Have you told her you have iron deficient anemia, and explained how it affects you? If she asks you a favor, will she respect "Oh sorry, I don't have time this week to do that!"? But of course, if trying to get her to see your perspective sounds exhausting, you can just end of the friendship.
posted by coffeecat at 3:10 PM on January 16, 2021 [1 favorite]
That said, I'm a little more sympathetic towards Stephanie than some of the others have been. In grad school I regularly asked friends to do all the things (more or less) Stephanie asked of you as well as did those things for my friends in return (yes, even recommending articles/citations! Why would anyone hire a research assistant if they just want to know what they should read on topic "x"?). So I don't see it as odd she asked. Did you ever ask her similar favors in return?
And in terms of grief- well, some wonderful people are bad with dealing with death.
And as for the pregnancy, have you told her about how hard it's been? I'm a childless woman in my 30s, and pregnancy is pretty much an abstraction to me. I know enough to know to ask my pregnant friends "how's the pregnancy going?" but that's about it. If one of them asked me for help, I'd happily give it, but nothing about pregnancy is intuitive to me.
In short, she sounds a bit self-absorbed, but it's hard to tell from what you've written if this couldn't be solved with you being more assertive or communicative. Have you told her you have iron deficient anemia, and explained how it affects you? If she asks you a favor, will she respect "Oh sorry, I don't have time this week to do that!"? But of course, if trying to get her to see your perspective sounds exhausting, you can just end of the friendship.
posted by coffeecat at 3:10 PM on January 16, 2021 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: A couple things to add:
- I do feel kind of sensitive to how it may feel for Stephanie to have friends getting married and having kids around her and feeling kind of abandoned. I don’t want to be a jerk in this specific way.
- About two weeks after my mom died, after not being in touch at all, Stephanie asked if I could give her some citations for a project about how care providers process sudden death. I told her it was too soon for me to do that; I was still feeling raw after my mom’s suicide. She apologized and kind of implied she had forgotten my mom had just died.
- She hasn’t even asked in a general sense “how is the pregnancy?” or “congratulations, when are you due?” Etc. I get that pregnancy might be abstract to her, but it feels like she’s actively ignoring or avoiding it, and to her it just means we can’t get beers for a few months. I did actually try to tell her directly about some of the complications with the pregnancy, and her reaction was “Oh, hmm. [change of topic].
posted by unstrungharp at 3:45 PM on January 16, 2021 [1 favorite]
- I do feel kind of sensitive to how it may feel for Stephanie to have friends getting married and having kids around her and feeling kind of abandoned. I don’t want to be a jerk in this specific way.
- About two weeks after my mom died, after not being in touch at all, Stephanie asked if I could give her some citations for a project about how care providers process sudden death. I told her it was too soon for me to do that; I was still feeling raw after my mom’s suicide. She apologized and kind of implied she had forgotten my mom had just died.
- She hasn’t even asked in a general sense “how is the pregnancy?” or “congratulations, when are you due?” Etc. I get that pregnancy might be abstract to her, but it feels like she’s actively ignoring or avoiding it, and to her it just means we can’t get beers for a few months. I did actually try to tell her directly about some of the complications with the pregnancy, and her reaction was “Oh, hmm. [change of topic].
posted by unstrungharp at 3:45 PM on January 16, 2021 [1 favorite]
About two weeks after my mom died, after not being in touch at all, Stephanie asked if I could give her some citations for a project about how care providers process sudden death. I told her it was too soon for me to do that; I was still feeling raw after my mom’s suicide. She apologized and kind of implied she had forgotten my mom had just died.
Woah, that's beyond the pale. There is discomfort with death, but that's a callous-level of self-absorption. Based on your update, I'd respond to her next request (whether to socialize or for a favor) with a short "I'm sorry, what with everything I'm dealing with right now I'm not going to be available in the near future."
Condolences about your mom.
posted by coffeecat at 3:52 PM on January 16, 2021 [14 favorites]
Woah, that's beyond the pale. There is discomfort with death, but that's a callous-level of self-absorption. Based on your update, I'd respond to her next request (whether to socialize or for a favor) with a short "I'm sorry, what with everything I'm dealing with right now I'm not going to be available in the near future."
Condolences about your mom.
posted by coffeecat at 3:52 PM on January 16, 2021 [14 favorites]
With those additional details, I think you should ghost and not feel a bit of guilt. Not for a second. She doesn’t seem to view you as a full person, just someone who can do things for her and entertain her. And you (RIGHTFULLY) haven’t been available for those things, and she’s being a jerk.
Friendships aren’t always forever. Some friendships have a season, and the season for this one is past.
I’m a childless, single woman, and I’m enough of an adult to celebrate and support my friends when their lives change. Sometimes people with families gravitate toward other people with families, and that’s fine - I still keep up the connection, and maybe we’ll reconnect in a few years. Because my friends getting married, having kids, moving abroad, etc., etc. - that’s not about me! That’s people living their lives, and I’m overjoyed to see my friends live and grow.
I’m so sorry about your mother. What a difficult year this must have been for you - I hope the rest of your pregnancy goes well!
posted by punchtothehead at 3:56 PM on January 16, 2021 [4 favorites]
Friendships aren’t always forever. Some friendships have a season, and the season for this one is past.
I’m a childless, single woman, and I’m enough of an adult to celebrate and support my friends when their lives change. Sometimes people with families gravitate toward other people with families, and that’s fine - I still keep up the connection, and maybe we’ll reconnect in a few years. Because my friends getting married, having kids, moving abroad, etc., etc. - that’s not about me! That’s people living their lives, and I’m overjoyed to see my friends live and grow.
I’m so sorry about your mother. What a difficult year this must have been for you - I hope the rest of your pregnancy goes well!
posted by punchtothehead at 3:56 PM on January 16, 2021 [4 favorites]
When my mom died in March I didn’t try to talk with her about grief, I just told her my mom died suddenly, and she said “I don’t really have the emotional bandwidth to talk about that”
Wow, seriously?! I'm sorry for the loss of your mom. I can't imagine still being friends after someone said that, unless they did so after offering sincere condolences, listening for at least a little while, and offering an explanation (e.g. their own parent recently died and so they are too raw to offer extensive support to someone else in the same situation). Even then I would recalibrate my expectations of them downward.
It sounds like your friend is a taker and you are a giver. In this scenario, it's up to the giver to know their limits because takers have none. She might be fun to hang around with in certain circumstances but these are not those circumstances.
In your shoes I would just stop reaching out and start saying you don't have the bandwidth to deal with her various requests. I'll bet she moves on pretty quickly.
posted by rpfields at 4:02 PM on January 16, 2021 [4 favorites]
Wow, seriously?! I'm sorry for the loss of your mom. I can't imagine still being friends after someone said that, unless they did so after offering sincere condolences, listening for at least a little while, and offering an explanation (e.g. their own parent recently died and so they are too raw to offer extensive support to someone else in the same situation). Even then I would recalibrate my expectations of them downward.
It sounds like your friend is a taker and you are a giver. In this scenario, it's up to the giver to know their limits because takers have none. She might be fun to hang around with in certain circumstances but these are not those circumstances.
In your shoes I would just stop reaching out and start saying you don't have the bandwidth to deal with her various requests. I'll bet she moves on pretty quickly.
posted by rpfields at 4:02 PM on January 16, 2021 [4 favorites]
I just told her my mom died suddenly, and she said “I don’t really have the emotional bandwidth to talk about that”
What in the.... Jesus jumping on a pogo stick who the fuck says that....
And then reading your additional info....
I appreciate you wanting to be respectful of her feelings and or making sure you're reading things right here. You are. This person sounds self absorbed and toxic as hell. Literally every human has had a friend get pregnant before them in life. Pregnancy isn't abstract. A simple "hey how are you doing, it's been a tough year" and then singing mana mana from the Muppets in your head while pretending to listen is the very bottom basic human decent for like "slightly more than acquaintances"....
Please free yourself from this toxic remora of a human. You sound so caring and lovely and don't deserve to deal with someone who makes you feel this way.
I'm so sorry about your mother, I can't imagine. And I hope your pregnancy smooths out and finishes easily. Good luck on the birth of your second child!!! Internet hugs....
posted by chasles at 4:31 PM on January 16, 2021 [14 favorites]
What in the.... Jesus jumping on a pogo stick who the fuck says that....
And then reading your additional info....
I appreciate you wanting to be respectful of her feelings and or making sure you're reading things right here. You are. This person sounds self absorbed and toxic as hell. Literally every human has had a friend get pregnant before them in life. Pregnancy isn't abstract. A simple "hey how are you doing, it's been a tough year" and then singing mana mana from the Muppets in your head while pretending to listen is the very bottom basic human decent for like "slightly more than acquaintances"....
Please free yourself from this toxic remora of a human. You sound so caring and lovely and don't deserve to deal with someone who makes you feel this way.
I'm so sorry about your mother, I can't imagine. And I hope your pregnancy smooths out and finishes easily. Good luck on the birth of your second child!!! Internet hugs....
posted by chasles at 4:31 PM on January 16, 2021 [14 favorites]
I'd view it this way: the sooner this friendship is over, the sooner you have more room in your life for people who can show up for you meaningfully when you need it. If you don't want to have a confrontation about it, you have a natural reason (challenging pregnancy during a pandemic while parenting another little AND grieving) to become increasingly less available and just fade out.
posted by theotherdurassister at 5:14 PM on January 16, 2021 [7 favorites]
posted by theotherdurassister at 5:14 PM on January 16, 2021 [7 favorites]
She’s just a crap friend, so it’s fine to fade.
I think the hardest thing is when you realise this about someone that you’ve enjoyed your time with - that they just don’t care as much as you do and, particularly, if you’ve gone through/are going through some difficult times, it can be tempting to dismiss this (haven’t I got enough going on?), but if she’s not giving you the level of support you need and making you feel worse, then it’s not worth it.
posted by heyjude at 5:31 PM on January 16, 2021 [4 favorites]
I think the hardest thing is when you realise this about someone that you’ve enjoyed your time with - that they just don’t care as much as you do and, particularly, if you’ve gone through/are going through some difficult times, it can be tempting to dismiss this (haven’t I got enough going on?), but if she’s not giving you the level of support you need and making you feel worse, then it’s not worth it.
posted by heyjude at 5:31 PM on January 16, 2021 [4 favorites]
I think no matter which way you land on the "try to stay friends vs don't" decision, you should tell her how her response (or..total lack of response) to your mother's suicide made you feel. Not necessarily because it will have any particular outcome, but if it were me, I'd feel better at least saying it. Even before you mentioned suicide, and I'm so so sorry for all you've gone through there, I was very taken aback by the "I don't have the emotional bandwidth" comment.. that is.. really ..well.. really quite something.
posted by elgee at 6:06 PM on January 16, 2021 [3 favorites]
posted by elgee at 6:06 PM on January 16, 2021 [3 favorites]
I am the no-kids atypical life queer person in my mid thirties surrounded by pregnant moms dealing with aging or dying parents. There is totally a feeling of disconnect but christ on toast this person sounds like an asshole no matter what direction you look at it from. When my friends have kids I ask about their kids. When they have pregnancy complications I ask about their health. When their parents are ailing I offer my sympathy or an ear for them to express their frustrations. Then I know that when I have my not-kids not-parents problems these people will be there to listen too! It isn’t that hard, it is in fact novel to hear about toddler development or other people’s funeral planning because I won’t be experiencing big chunks of this stuff first hand and have basic levels of curiosity about other people! Damn. I am mad at this chick. Ghost her without a second thought and if you want to reconnect in the future do so and if she asks why you ghosted be like “I didn’t have the emotional bandwidth to deal with you at the time.”
posted by Mizu at 7:34 PM on January 16, 2021 [11 favorites]
posted by Mizu at 7:34 PM on January 16, 2021 [11 favorites]
I don’t want to be a jerk in this specific way.
But this person sounds like a jerk in many considerable ways. Dumping her as a friend isn’t being a jerk at all. It’s taking good care of yourself and not letting her take advantage of your kindness.
posted by dean_deen at 9:48 PM on January 16, 2021 [1 favorite]
But this person sounds like a jerk in many considerable ways. Dumping her as a friend isn’t being a jerk at all. It’s taking good care of yourself and not letting her take advantage of your kindness.
posted by dean_deen at 9:48 PM on January 16, 2021 [1 favorite]
I think it would be a kindness to tell her you need to take some space from the friendship.
posted by bluedaisy at 11:12 PM on January 16, 2021 [1 favorite]
posted by bluedaisy at 11:12 PM on January 16, 2021 [1 favorite]
My normal advice would be to let it fade but leave the door open in case life brings you back together again more. But with how heartless some of her comments to you have been, I wouldn't worry too much if the door slams shut on your way out.
posted by slidell at 11:14 PM on January 16, 2021 [2 favorites]
posted by slidell at 11:14 PM on January 16, 2021 [2 favorites]
What's wrong with telling her you don't have the (emotional or otherwise) bandwidth for whatever she's asking for?
If she fades on you when you stop being useful - good.
If she blows up at you for being a bad friend, you can heartily agree with her that you can't be the friend she needs and wish her a good future life. (If she wants to discuss it further, you don't have the emotional bandwidth for that.)
Emotional bandwidth the shit out of her (it has the added advantage of being true.)
posted by Omnomnom at 12:39 AM on January 17, 2021 [6 favorites]
If she fades on you when you stop being useful - good.
If she blows up at you for being a bad friend, you can heartily agree with her that you can't be the friend she needs and wish her a good future life. (If she wants to discuss it further, you don't have the emotional bandwidth for that.)
Emotional bandwidth the shit out of her (it has the added advantage of being true.)
posted by Omnomnom at 12:39 AM on January 17, 2021 [6 favorites]
About two weeks after my mom died, after not being in touch at all, Stephanie asked if I could give her some citations for a project about how care providers process sudden death.
I gasped out loud when I read this. On top of everything else, yeah it's completely reasonable to end this friendship.
posted by Mavri at 7:54 AM on January 17, 2021 [8 favorites]
I gasped out loud when I read this. On top of everything else, yeah it's completely reasonable to end this friendship.
posted by Mavri at 7:54 AM on January 17, 2021 [8 favorites]
I know a lot of people who are oblivious or inattentive or unskilled at social things, and I've got a dozen workarounds for it (tell them what's going on, let them know when something is difficult, be as direct as possible, mirror that "bandwidth" comment back to make sure she accepts it from you and there's not a double standard here...) but you know what? This pattern already answers those questions about reciprocity and fairness and concern.
Even if a second-tier friend has trouble remembering that your mom died, if they care about you they could say "oh my gosh that's right I'm so sorry, I was messaging you out of habit and didn't stop to think." And they would be totally cool with you falling asleep, because hey you must have been really tired! These things happen.
It seems like she sees this as at best a very narrow friendship ("work friends") and at worst as a resource for her to tap that doesn't have similar investment required from her end.
posted by Lady Li at 8:46 AM on January 17, 2021 [3 favorites]
Even if a second-tier friend has trouble remembering that your mom died, if they care about you they could say "oh my gosh that's right I'm so sorry, I was messaging you out of habit and didn't stop to think." And they would be totally cool with you falling asleep, because hey you must have been really tired! These things happen.
It seems like she sees this as at best a very narrow friendship ("work friends") and at worst as a resource for her to tap that doesn't have similar investment required from her end.
posted by Lady Li at 8:46 AM on January 17, 2021 [3 favorites]
Sounds like she doesn't know the difference between a friend and a PA. When you worked together did your role involve you doing research for her by any chance? She sounds incredibly self involved. I wonder if she has a condition that means she is missing some sort of social skills or empathy? Either way it's not your problem.
Some people are just "people I do x activity with" friends - the type of person I would call an acquaintance - hence she was fine as a colleague where "x" was work. If there is no new "x" and you want an all-round friend then she's not it.
Go with your gut. Don't feel bad. Good luck.
posted by ihaveyourfoot at 10:50 AM on January 17, 2021 [1 favorite]
Some people are just "people I do x activity with" friends - the type of person I would call an acquaintance - hence she was fine as a colleague where "x" was work. If there is no new "x" and you want an all-round friend then she's not it.
Go with your gut. Don't feel bad. Good luck.
posted by ihaveyourfoot at 10:50 AM on January 17, 2021 [1 favorite]
All this person does is bug you so you will do her job and homework for her, and when you bring up the recent, sudden death of your mother, she shushes you so she can tell you more about her homework that she wants you to finish for her. Ghost her, tell her off gently, tell her off harshly. Doesn't matter. Just get this person out of your life and find people instead who can give you the support in your life that you so richly deserve.
posted by hhc5 at 12:06 PM on January 17, 2021 [4 favorites]
posted by hhc5 at 12:06 PM on January 17, 2021 [4 favorites]
Uh. She sounds incredibly annoying, and it also sounds like you plenty of other friends. It’s fine to walk away! It’s also fine to just start telling her “no” more often but it sounds quite likely that once you start doing that she’ll either fade on you faster than you could have imagined or blow up and start some drama.
posted by stoneandstar at 5:50 PM on January 17, 2021 [1 favorite]
posted by stoneandstar at 5:50 PM on January 17, 2021 [1 favorite]
the story about the citations honestly made me feel like i was going to throw up. i lost my mom suddenly and if someone had asked me to do that, i would have thought they were purposefully being cruel.
like others, i would tell her that you don’t have the emotional bandwidth to talk right now.
i also want to gently suggest that you might want to do some thinking on how you can better protect your boundaries in the future. (i just started this work in the last few years and i only wish i had done it sooner!)
posted by missjenny at 7:12 PM on July 16, 2021
like others, i would tell her that you don’t have the emotional bandwidth to talk right now.
i also want to gently suggest that you might want to do some thinking on how you can better protect your boundaries in the future. (i just started this work in the last few years and i only wish i had done it sooner!)
posted by missjenny at 7:12 PM on July 16, 2021
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I think you can just start withdrawing and leave it at that. And maybe at some point, when things have settled a bit more, you can decide where you're at with this friendship. But really, you 100% have my permission to leave this friendship.
I know this time has been hard for a lot of people and I've noticed I've become closer to some people and less close to others. I think that's just how it happens, though.
posted by edencosmic at 1:32 PM on January 16, 2021 [10 favorites]