No, you can't borrow grandma's piano for your 6y.o.
January 7, 2021 3:51 PM Subscribe
How do I diplomatically tell my cousin that, no, she can't borrow grandma's (my) piano that I inherited and I have in storage? Even if you are willing to pay to move it to your house yourself and "back again" later. No. We all know once it's in her house that it's never coming back.
When my grandma died I was asked by the family if I wanted her piano. I said yes, I didn't have space for it now but my father offered to store it for me. Today my cousin sent a text to me and my dad asking if they could borrow grandmas' piano if they paid to move it to their house and then back later. I don't think it's ever going to come back.
I loaned a good friend an electric keyboard while I was living out of the country and never got it back. I asked for it earlier this year and he was resistant and told me how his daughter was now learning. I was going to pick it up but he's far away and then COVID happened. So he still has it.
My cousin is kind of a user and has been known to be a cheapskate. She and her father never have a problem asking for something for free. Once her father asked me if I had any sales samples from my job that he could have for free. Nothing in particular, he just wanted something. She's kind of the same. For example, my grandma's house has been kept in the family as a vacation rental and there has been some conflict between my cousin and others about using it and when. (The family is a little dysfunctional and entitlement is common in the family and boundary issues). I once was involved in some drama with her family over a Macy's gift card that was given to me and they wanted back later.
Her daughter is only six and there is no guarantee she will commit and I suspect a full-size upright is way too big for her hands.
Frankly, and it may be petty, but I don't really like her and her family. She and her husband have shown some behavior during this election that I feel was pretty gross. I mean really gross. I defriended her on Facebook because of it. I have pretty much written her off as somebody I won't interact with except in those unavoidable family situations like the holidays.
She texted both me and my father about it which I find very strange if she knows that it is mine.
I feel like I'm making excuses here when I don't need to. I kind of expect pushback from a no though. I've probably wasted more time than necessary thinking about this.
I think I'll just respond and tell her, "You know, electronic keyboards are pretty inexpensive and of good quality these days. They make them for small hands too. Have you looked into that at all?" What do you guys think? What would you say?
When my grandma died I was asked by the family if I wanted her piano. I said yes, I didn't have space for it now but my father offered to store it for me. Today my cousin sent a text to me and my dad asking if they could borrow grandmas' piano if they paid to move it to their house and then back later. I don't think it's ever going to come back.
I loaned a good friend an electric keyboard while I was living out of the country and never got it back. I asked for it earlier this year and he was resistant and told me how his daughter was now learning. I was going to pick it up but he's far away and then COVID happened. So he still has it.
My cousin is kind of a user and has been known to be a cheapskate. She and her father never have a problem asking for something for free. Once her father asked me if I had any sales samples from my job that he could have for free. Nothing in particular, he just wanted something. She's kind of the same. For example, my grandma's house has been kept in the family as a vacation rental and there has been some conflict between my cousin and others about using it and when. (The family is a little dysfunctional and entitlement is common in the family and boundary issues). I once was involved in some drama with her family over a Macy's gift card that was given to me and they wanted back later.
Her daughter is only six and there is no guarantee she will commit and I suspect a full-size upright is way too big for her hands.
Frankly, and it may be petty, but I don't really like her and her family. She and her husband have shown some behavior during this election that I feel was pretty gross. I mean really gross. I defriended her on Facebook because of it. I have pretty much written her off as somebody I won't interact with except in those unavoidable family situations like the holidays.
She texted both me and my father about it which I find very strange if she knows that it is mine.
I feel like I'm making excuses here when I don't need to. I kind of expect pushback from a no though. I've probably wasted more time than necessary thinking about this.
I think I'll just respond and tell her, "You know, electronic keyboards are pretty inexpensive and of good quality these days. They make them for small hands too. Have you looked into that at all?" What do you guys think? What would you say?
nkknkk has it. No, with no reasons or excuses, as they just give her something to argue against. Redirecting (suggesting an electronic keyboard) might be a good idea, although it might function as an excuse (i.e. she might argue against it). Whatever else, you don't want to get into an argument about whether or not an electronic keyboard is inexpensive/good quality/suitable for little hands (with the assumed idea that if it's not, your grandmother's piano is back on the table). I'd be tempted to leave out that bit for that reason.
I would definitely say something like: "No, that just won't be possible" (as nkknkk says). Or if you want something that feels slightly softer and more informal, maybe something like: "I'm afraid that's not going to work, sorry about that" or "That's not going to work for me, sorry about that."
posted by ClaireBear at 4:01 PM on January 7, 2021 [4 favorites]
I would definitely say something like: "No, that just won't be possible" (as nkknkk says). Or if you want something that feels slightly softer and more informal, maybe something like: "I'm afraid that's not going to work, sorry about that" or "That's not going to work for me, sorry about that."
posted by ClaireBear at 4:01 PM on January 7, 2021 [4 favorites]
And then if/when she comes back with pushback, repeat the same thing again, maybe rephrased. No excuses, just a calm no. As many times as it takes. A blank concrete wall with nothing to latch onto.
It sounds like the piano is at your dad's house, so you might want to call him to let him know that it's a no. In case she goes to his house and tries to get it and he is uncomfortable stopping her or thinks you assented. You could just tell him that you're dealing with it, and that he doesn't need to worry about it or be involved.
posted by ClaireBear at 4:04 PM on January 7, 2021 [19 favorites]
It sounds like the piano is at your dad's house, so you might want to call him to let him know that it's a no. In case she goes to his house and tries to get it and he is uncomfortable stopping her or thinks you assented. You could just tell him that you're dealing with it, and that he doesn't need to worry about it or be involved.
posted by ClaireBear at 4:04 PM on January 7, 2021 [19 favorites]
My grandma used to have a pair of blue antique chairs in her living room I absolutely loved. One of the few pictures I have with my grandpa was taken of him holding me in one of those chairs. From when I was very young I told her that I wanted them (please!) if she ever thought of getting rid of them. Those chairs were my absolute favorite things in her house. She always told me she loved them, too, and that she would keep them until she died. And then they'd be mine, of course.
Years later, when my horrible trainwreck of a cousin got engaged, she asked grandma for the chairs as an engagement gift. Grandma gave them to her. Cousin spraypainted--SPRAYPAINTED!!! the upholstery hot pink for use as props for a series of jokey fake wedding photos she did with her bridesmaids. I only found out when I saw the photos posted to facebook and the chairs looked familiar. I asked if those were grandma's blue chairs, and after some back and forth learned she threw the chairs away. Single use.
Grandma claimed no knowledge that I had ever had a genuine interest in the chairs because I "never wanted anything else from her house, and cousin had asked "so nicely!"
In conclusion fuck your cousin. Trust your judgment on this.
Give her the battle-tested Miss Manners response of "I'm sorry, that won't be possible" over and over from now until the heat death of the universe.
posted by phunniemee at 4:04 PM on January 7, 2021 [78 favorites]
Years later, when my horrible trainwreck of a cousin got engaged, she asked grandma for the chairs as an engagement gift. Grandma gave them to her. Cousin spraypainted--SPRAYPAINTED!!! the upholstery hot pink for use as props for a series of jokey fake wedding photos she did with her bridesmaids. I only found out when I saw the photos posted to facebook and the chairs looked familiar. I asked if those were grandma's blue chairs, and after some back and forth learned she threw the chairs away. Single use.
Grandma claimed no knowledge that I had ever had a genuine interest in the chairs because I "never wanted anything else from her house, and cousin had asked "so nicely!"
In conclusion fuck your cousin. Trust your judgment on this.
Give her the battle-tested Miss Manners response of "I'm sorry, that won't be possible" over and over from now until the heat death of the universe.
posted by phunniemee at 4:04 PM on January 7, 2021 [78 favorites]
Oh, hell no. nkknkk is exactly correct: fuck this person. Hard. And my sympathy for phunniemee. Your cousin is a trash person.
posted by ivanthenotsoterrible at 4:16 PM on January 7, 2021 [11 favorites]
posted by ivanthenotsoterrible at 4:16 PM on January 7, 2021 [11 favorites]
I would say no. That won't be possible. Repeat. I would also maybe look at Craig's List and the like in their neighborhood. When I moved, I could not give my piano away. It was nothing special, an upright, but it worked, was in tune and sounded good. I came to find out that while they are not a dime a dozen, people will give them away if you come haul them away. If it is for a 6 yo just now starting (forced?) lessons, that is the way to go. They can post something in a local group seeking an unwanted piano.
posted by AugustWest at 4:16 PM on January 7, 2021 [3 favorites]
posted by AugustWest at 4:16 PM on January 7, 2021 [3 favorites]
Echoing everybody's straight-up "sorry, not possible" repeated ad infinitum. If pressed, you can truthfully say that free pianos are all over Craigslist and the like -- people who are moving/downsizing/whatever are always trying to get rid of pianos (it's how we scored ours for just the cost of piano movers).
posted by BlahLaLa at 4:29 PM on January 7, 2021 [5 favorites]
posted by BlahLaLa at 4:29 PM on January 7, 2021 [5 favorites]
yeah, just say no. maybe your cousin is terrible; or maybe she just thinks that since it's in storage it's not something you care about anyway and would be glad to get rid of. but it doesn't matter. just say no, it's not possible to move it until she drops it. plenty of other pianos in the world.
and to phunniemee: OH MY GOD i hate your cousin so much.
posted by fingersandtoes at 4:53 PM on January 7, 2021 [16 favorites]
and to phunniemee: OH MY GOD i hate your cousin so much.
posted by fingersandtoes at 4:53 PM on January 7, 2021 [16 favorites]
Check in with your dad, if necessary, about that storage arrangement. Meaning, confirm that he's still fine storing the instrument, and it's not traveling the family grapevine that your dad would like the space for something else, or that he's heard about the 6-year-old's lessons and said why, I know of the perfect piano, just sitting under a tarp! or some such -- if it's known that it's your piano, it is weird you were both texted.*
Then respond to your cousin's request with a polite and brief refusal text.
*I lost a hand-made, one-of-a-kind coat my mom was storing for me to a relative; by the time I was 'asked,' the coat was three states away.
posted by Iris Gambol at 5:03 PM on January 7, 2021 [18 favorites]
Then respond to your cousin's request with a polite and brief refusal text.
*I lost a hand-made, one-of-a-kind coat my mom was storing for me to a relative; by the time I was 'asked,' the coat was three states away.
posted by Iris Gambol at 5:03 PM on January 7, 2021 [18 favorites]
This is also a great opportunity for the new-fangled trend of "ghosting" where you just do nothing. It's not like she can just go and get the piano without your permission right?
posted by GuyZero at 5:13 PM on January 7, 2021 [3 favorites]
posted by GuyZero at 5:13 PM on January 7, 2021 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: Jeez, I didn't even think to get it appraised for value either. I wasn't thinking about $$$ value other than just far in the back of my mind before.
posted by Che boludo! at 5:19 PM on January 7, 2021 [2 favorites]
posted by Che boludo! at 5:19 PM on January 7, 2021 [2 favorites]
I mean if your cousin just wants a piano and is willing to pay movers, she can get one free off craigslist (without having to promise to give it back!). If she's willing to pay piano movers she's actually not being all *that* big of a cheapskate.
If you'd rather the piano be in storage (I hope this means in a climate-controlled room in your dad's house, not like in the basement or garage or something) than played by your cousin's kid, you're well within your rights to say that she can't have it and you want to keep it at your dad's, end of story.
posted by mskyle at 5:24 PM on January 7, 2021 [8 favorites]
If you'd rather the piano be in storage (I hope this means in a climate-controlled room in your dad's house, not like in the basement or garage or something) than played by your cousin's kid, you're well within your rights to say that she can't have it and you want to keep it at your dad's, end of story.
posted by mskyle at 5:24 PM on January 7, 2021 [8 favorites]
The only thing that would make me reconsider is that old upright pianos often have no resale value. Families bought them by the millions until the advent of affordable recorded music and radio meant that you no longer had to play your own tunes. I get it, my grandmother had one, too. At this point it's certainly possible the soundboard could be warped, action shot, strings bad, etc. It doesn't take much before the value becomes negative and they're actually doing you a favor to haul it away. Check Craigslist, I can almost guarantee you'll find a half-dozen uprights available for free pickup.
posted by wnissen at 5:25 PM on January 7, 2021 [3 favorites]
posted by wnissen at 5:25 PM on January 7, 2021 [3 favorites]
Minority view point:
Do you care about pissing them off? Certainly "no that's not possible" is a response but it's not especially diplomatic. If your cousin was a decent person this would be a perfectly reasonable request--you aren't using it and it costs you nothing. You can't give your real reason but repeating "no" with no explanation is going to lead them to conclude that you don't like them much anyway. (Agree you don't have to give a reason, and if they were polite they wouldn't ask more than once, but that's not your question.)
I'd toss out a bunch of little white lies: It's of great sentimental value, you like it safe in storage, if it moved you'd want it appraised and insured, and hey maybe you'd try to make it work but electronic options are cheaper and better anyway. Don't engage after that (it's not like you want them to solve your problems) but then it's just "I have too much going on to deal with this right now and think through an approach that would make me comfortable." They might still be annoyed but there's a face saving story for everyone.
posted by mark k at 5:33 PM on January 7, 2021 [8 favorites]
Do you care about pissing them off? Certainly "no that's not possible" is a response but it's not especially diplomatic. If your cousin was a decent person this would be a perfectly reasonable request--you aren't using it and it costs you nothing. You can't give your real reason but repeating "no" with no explanation is going to lead them to conclude that you don't like them much anyway. (Agree you don't have to give a reason, and if they were polite they wouldn't ask more than once, but that's not your question.)
I'd toss out a bunch of little white lies: It's of great sentimental value, you like it safe in storage, if it moved you'd want it appraised and insured, and hey maybe you'd try to make it work but electronic options are cheaper and better anyway. Don't engage after that (it's not like you want them to solve your problems) but then it's just "I have too much going on to deal with this right now and think through an approach that would make me comfortable." They might still be annoyed but there's a face saving story for everyone.
posted by mark k at 5:33 PM on January 7, 2021 [8 favorites]
Your dad’s role in this is key. If your cousin shows up ready to load the piano in a truck, what will he do? If it’s anything other than tell cousin to pound sand, it may be time to make alternate piano storage arrangements.
Do you have a plan to get the piano in the medium term? That is the ideal diplomatic response.
posted by momus_window at 5:44 PM on January 7, 2021 [25 favorites]
Do you have a plan to get the piano in the medium term? That is the ideal diplomatic response.
posted by momus_window at 5:44 PM on January 7, 2021 [25 favorites]
Maybe this is an Ask vs Guess thing. Have you just tried saying, "Sorry, no." Go direct.
posted by hydra77 at 5:45 PM on January 7, 2021 [1 favorite]
posted by hydra77 at 5:45 PM on January 7, 2021 [1 favorite]
I would not phrase your suggestion as a question, more as a statement:
"No (or Sorry, if gentling this), I 'm not comfortable with lending out Grandma's piano; an electric one might be better for Little One's small fingers anyway and Craigslist is usually a good source for that." Or some such.
I'm guessing she texted your dad because either she knows he has it (and she's assuming you'll say yes and giving him a lazy heads up), or she thinks he can answer for you. Make sure that he isn't doing the latter.
posted by sm1tten at 5:46 PM on January 7, 2021 [6 favorites]
"No (or Sorry, if gentling this), I 'm not comfortable with lending out Grandma's piano; an electric one might be better for Little One's small fingers anyway and Craigslist is usually a good source for that." Or some such.
I'm guessing she texted your dad because either she knows he has it (and she's assuming you'll say yes and giving him a lazy heads up), or she thinks he can answer for you. Make sure that he isn't doing the latter.
posted by sm1tten at 5:46 PM on January 7, 2021 [6 favorites]
Response by poster: I've been looking into it and yes, I should get it appraised before anything like this, who knows? Pianos are very complicated. I just looked it up and there are around 10,000 moving parts on average. Not something you want to continuously move.
posted by Che boludo! at 5:46 PM on January 7, 2021 [2 favorites]
posted by Che boludo! at 5:46 PM on January 7, 2021 [2 favorites]
In my area, the cost of moving a piano is around $200. I bought a Casio CDP 130 a few years back for around $300 that is better than any piano I've ever owned. The action is comparable to a garden variety upright, it never needs to be tuned so it doesn't sound like dissonant shit (yes, I knew that our piano didn't sound right when I started playing at 9), you can turn the volume down so the kid feels less self conscious and will practice more, it's much more portable and doesn't need to be put anywhere special, etc. And the upside to all this is it holds much more resale value if they decide that piano lessons aren't working out in a few years. So by investing in a basic digital piano (not a keyboard), your cousin spends the same nominal amount of money and gets a better instrument out of the deal.
I mean, if you want, you can make that suggestion, but I'd still start with, "No, I'm not going to let you borrow Grandma's piano," and then maybe suggesting that she compare the cost of moving with the cost of a basic digital piano. But reasons are for reasonable people, and "no" is a complete sentence.
posted by disconnect at 5:47 PM on January 7, 2021 [5 favorites]
I mean, if you want, you can make that suggestion, but I'd still start with, "No, I'm not going to let you borrow Grandma's piano," and then maybe suggesting that she compare the cost of moving with the cost of a basic digital piano. But reasons are for reasonable people, and "no" is a complete sentence.
posted by disconnect at 5:47 PM on January 7, 2021 [5 favorites]
Response by poster: I'm guessing she texted your dad because either she knows he has it (and she's assuming you'll say yes and giving him a lazy heads up), or she thinks he can answer for you. Make sure that he isn't doing the latter.
That's exactly my thoughts as well. I felt it was a little disingenuous.
My father told her it was mine and that she would have to speak with me.
posted by Che boludo! at 5:47 PM on January 7, 2021 [10 favorites]
That's exactly my thoughts as well. I felt it was a little disingenuous.
My father told her it was mine and that she would have to speak with me.
posted by Che boludo! at 5:47 PM on January 7, 2021 [10 favorites]
Before getting it officially appraised, look up its manufacturer's name and model (if possible) to see what others of the same type are selling for. That will at least get you a rough idea of its worth. If it's not worth that much (and if it's not that important for you to keep it), your cousin may be the way to get it off your hands.
And "her hands are too small" is not a good excuse to say no. Six-year-olds learn on full-size pianos all the time.
posted by ShooBoo at 5:59 PM on January 7, 2021 [10 favorites]
And "her hands are too small" is not a good excuse to say no. Six-year-olds learn on full-size pianos all the time.
posted by ShooBoo at 5:59 PM on January 7, 2021 [10 favorites]
If you want a concrete thing to recommend to her (although I nth the comments saying it's not necessary and may prove counterproductive), Reverb has tons of used instruments available at all price points. I bought a resonator guitar there last spring and am looking at keyboards now.
posted by easy, lucky, free at 6:10 PM on January 7, 2021
posted by easy, lucky, free at 6:10 PM on January 7, 2021
I was about to say that you should make sure that your dad knows where you stand on this but sounds like he has already stood up for your right to make this decision yourself. (Yay Dad!)
I would be careful about suggesting lots of options. Maybe say no, "but if you want some other ideas for ways to get a piano, let me know, I have some ideas" I just don't want this to turn into an argument about why the other ideas won't work as way to try to wheedle you into saying yes. Make it a clear "not possible" and then hold back on the options and reasons until you see how she responds.
posted by metahawk at 6:16 PM on January 7, 2021 [5 favorites]
I would be careful about suggesting lots of options. Maybe say no, "but if you want some other ideas for ways to get a piano, let me know, I have some ideas" I just don't want this to turn into an argument about why the other ideas won't work as way to try to wheedle you into saying yes. Make it a clear "not possible" and then hold back on the options and reasons until you see how she responds.
posted by metahawk at 6:16 PM on January 7, 2021 [5 favorites]
Post on freecycle and watch craigslist.org/free. There are a lot of available pianos. Your cousin almost certainly underestimates the cost of moving and tuning a piano. Make sure your Dad knows not to let it leave, and just tell cousin you'll help find them a piano, but yours is not available.
posted by theora55 at 6:24 PM on January 7, 2021 [1 favorite]
posted by theora55 at 6:24 PM on January 7, 2021 [1 favorite]
I was given the opportunity of getting my grandmother's piano when she passed away. I had fond memories of the piano. I really wanted the piano. I looked into moving it to my home which was 350 miles away. I decided not to do it because #1 pianos are expensive to move without damaging them. You don't just hire "movers" you hire "piano movers" and it's expensive. #2 it was an old piano and old pianos don't do well with moving even when you hire specialists. They are delicate. If I were you and I wanted to tell her something other than "no", tell her that moving a piano *properly* is very expensive, especially when you want to move it twice, and also that it's a lot of wear and tear to move it, and you'd rather not do that. It would probably cost her less money to buy a new piano than it would be to move yours, there and back again. And other people commenting here are correct, you can get a free piano VERY easily.
posted by molasses at 6:25 PM on January 7, 2021 [7 favorites]
posted by molasses at 6:25 PM on January 7, 2021 [7 favorites]
The piano is yours so you can just say no. It's easier if you don't want much to do with this cousin anyway. As others here have said, used pianos can be had for free if you're willing to pick them up so it's easy enough for your cousin to get one of those if she really wants a piano.
I lent my brother my piano for years because I wasn't using it. My wife was positive I'd never get it back because his wife is a lot like your cousin but once I was in a situation where I wanted it back I was able to get it with no issue.
posted by any portmanteau in a storm at 6:26 PM on January 7, 2021 [2 favorites]
I lent my brother my piano for years because I wasn't using it. My wife was positive I'd never get it back because his wife is a lot like your cousin but once I was in a situation where I wanted it back I was able to get it with no issue.
posted by any portmanteau in a storm at 6:26 PM on January 7, 2021 [2 favorites]
In addition to all of the above (great) advice, another reason to not get an upright for beginner piano lessons is that they’d need to commit to regular tuning which is not cheap. Even if they found a way to move it on the cheap it’s almost certainly out of tune which will cost quite a bit (more than a used electric) to fix.
posted by q*ben at 6:32 PM on January 7, 2021 [1 favorite]
posted by q*ben at 6:32 PM on January 7, 2021 [1 favorite]
If you don't want to give her a flat ’no’, just say pianos don't handle being moved often and doing so can cause damage therefore the next time it's moved will have to be once only - to your home, where it won't be moved again. It's an heirloom and you’re sure she wouldn't want to feel responsible if anything happened to it.
posted by Jubey at 7:34 PM on January 7, 2021 [2 favorites]
posted by Jubey at 7:34 PM on January 7, 2021 [2 favorites]
Also, someone who is only after free stuff almost certainly won't give a damn about moving a piano properly and chances are will just get a couple of local lads who don't know what they're doing to move it for cheap. The odds of her damaging this because it’s not hers and she doesn't care are huge.
posted by Jubey at 7:37 PM on January 7, 2021 [18 favorites]
posted by Jubey at 7:37 PM on January 7, 2021 [18 favorites]
I agree with the suggestions to say no and recommend that she get one of the plentiful free pianos on Craigslist. However, if it were me, I would also be annoyed with the friend who didn't want to give back the keyboard. I might consider letting your cousin borrow the keyboard instead, since you don't have it anyway. But obviously, that's a more complicated choice (and it's probably possible to buy a keyboard for the cost of moving a piano).
posted by pinochiette at 7:46 PM on January 7, 2021 [1 favorite]
posted by pinochiette at 7:46 PM on January 7, 2021 [1 favorite]
Agree with everyone: it's great that your dad agrees it's yours, and you can tell your cousin "no, it won't be possible." It's unlikely that it has monetary value (especially without restoration), but it's the principle of it that matters here.
As an additional point to not giving excuses: pianos are not like other instruments that come in half-size, quarter-size, etc -- everyone starts on a full size; hand size doesn't matter. This six year old is already good and you bet he started on a "full size" when his hands were even smaller.
I'm guessing your cousin doesn't know a thing about piano, but in case she mentions it to a knowledgeable friend who is sympathetic to her, do not use this excuse.
posted by batter_my_heart at 7:48 PM on January 7, 2021 [2 favorites]
As an additional point to not giving excuses: pianos are not like other instruments that come in half-size, quarter-size, etc -- everyone starts on a full size; hand size doesn't matter. This six year old is already good and you bet he started on a "full size" when his hands were even smaller.
I'm guessing your cousin doesn't know a thing about piano, but in case she mentions it to a knowledgeable friend who is sympathetic to her, do not use this excuse.
posted by batter_my_heart at 7:48 PM on January 7, 2021 [2 favorites]
Ohh, that won't be possible. Variations include "just not possible," "sorry, that won't work for me," and "unfortunately, no, you'll have to find another piano."
No further rationale or explanation for her to dispute. Handwave vaguely about "your plans" for the piano if needed.
posted by desuetude at 8:06 PM on January 7, 2021 [3 favorites]
No further rationale or explanation for her to dispute. Handwave vaguely about "your plans" for the piano if needed.
posted by desuetude at 8:06 PM on January 7, 2021 [3 favorites]
Tell 'em about the electric keyboard and give them your friend's number … without telling your friend first.
posted by scruss at 8:12 PM on January 7, 2021 [12 favorites]
posted by scruss at 8:12 PM on January 7, 2021 [12 favorites]
Nthing that you have no obligation to risk damaging your heirloom piano by moving it.
If you want to earn helping-out-your-cousin points with your extended family, you could leverage the situation to get your electric keyboard back from your friend, e.g. "My cousin will pay to have my keyboard packed securely and shipped to her so her daughter can use it. Please take it to the UPS store and send her the invoice." Cheaper than moving an old piano, I imagine. Again, you have no obligation to do any of this.
On preview: scruss has an elegantly trollish angle on the same idea.
posted by doift at 8:45 PM on January 7, 2021
If you want to earn helping-out-your-cousin points with your extended family, you could leverage the situation to get your electric keyboard back from your friend, e.g. "My cousin will pay to have my keyboard packed securely and shipped to her so her daughter can use it. Please take it to the UPS store and send her the invoice." Cheaper than moving an old piano, I imagine. Again, you have no obligation to do any of this.
On preview: scruss has an elegantly trollish angle on the same idea.
posted by doift at 8:45 PM on January 7, 2021
Bonus - having a child learn on an electric keyboard also means the options of headphones. I say this as the kid who learned on a piano (yes, a full upright piano that definitely was not too big for my 7-year-old hands) I think my family would have loved the option of not listening to me all the time.
posted by NotTheRedBaron at 9:30 PM on January 7, 2021 [3 favorites]
posted by NotTheRedBaron at 9:30 PM on January 7, 2021 [3 favorites]
Buy the little girl a tiny keyboard that she can keep forever. A short time later, give her a simple book (or video course) for someone her age that teaches her how to read music, and maybe a super simple _actual paper_ book of super simple songs that she will recognize and can actually play. Make sure the book will lay flat so she can look at it while pushing keys.
Try to make sure her parents won't pressure her. Send the keyboard with a small note expressing regret that you don't have two pianos to share.
Don't judge a small person whose life could be enriched by knowing you :)
My parents got a piano when I was 8. They got rid of it a year later. I'm still hurting.
posted by amtho at 9:38 PM on January 7, 2021 [1 favorite]
Try to make sure her parents won't pressure her. Send the keyboard with a small note expressing regret that you don't have two pianos to share.
Don't judge a small person whose life could be enriched by knowing you :)
My parents got a piano when I was 8. They got rid of it a year later. I'm still hurting.
posted by amtho at 9:38 PM on January 7, 2021 [1 favorite]
I think your best move is to say no, without offering any reasons that could give her the idea she can argue you out of your decision. I’d probably go with, “I wish I could help, but I have plans for the piano. You might try looking for second hand options or at keyboards. Best of luck!” And if she presses again, “ oh sorry, I didn’t mean to make it sound like this was up for debate, I really can’t do it.” Ignore any further contact on the subject.
posted by JenMarie at 9:54 PM on January 7, 2021 [15 favorites]
posted by JenMarie at 9:54 PM on January 7, 2021 [15 favorites]
Too many responses didn't read them all so if this has been said already, my apologies.
We bought our (in excellent shape) piano for $5. The cost was in the moving it and getting it tuned, which your cousin would have to pay anyway. I just looked on my local craigslist and there are plenty of decent options in the sub $100 category and plenty around the price I paid.
Pianos are heavy and costly and most people just want someone to come and get them out of their home. Either suggest this or even find one for her and send her the link. Let her know if she does it this way, she'll have a forever piano and not a loaner.
BTW, we got a piano for our daughter to learn on. There is a large difference between pianos and keyboards and we wanted her to learn on a piano first. Suggesting a keyboard is not productive and will most likely get rejected.
posted by wile e at 11:52 PM on January 7, 2021 [3 favorites]
We bought our (in excellent shape) piano for $5. The cost was in the moving it and getting it tuned, which your cousin would have to pay anyway. I just looked on my local craigslist and there are plenty of decent options in the sub $100 category and plenty around the price I paid.
Pianos are heavy and costly and most people just want someone to come and get them out of their home. Either suggest this or even find one for her and send her the link. Let her know if she does it this way, she'll have a forever piano and not a loaner.
BTW, we got a piano for our daughter to learn on. There is a large difference between pianos and keyboards and we wanted her to learn on a piano first. Suggesting a keyboard is not productive and will most likely get rejected.
posted by wile e at 11:52 PM on January 7, 2021 [3 favorites]
Get a quote for moving it to your cousin’s house AND then back to your house, and a quote for tuning it for five years from reputable companies. Since your cousin is motivated by money, adding that info to your no may be helpful. “No, that isn’t possible and in light of the fact it would cost $5,000 to move and maintain (or wherever amount) you should consider getting something local to save money”.
posted by saucysault at 4:17 AM on January 8, 2021 [2 favorites]
posted by saucysault at 4:17 AM on January 8, 2021 [2 favorites]
NO. Just say the polite "no, that won't be possible" and otherwise do not engage. Please.
I was in an almost identical situation a decade ago, and I relented and let them "borrow" the thing (not a piano). When I asked for it back, because I really needed it*, they refused. My cousin's husband even threatened me. And the weird thing is that it's not just that now I dislike her even more than I did. I also blame myself for getting us into that situation, given that I already knew she has a bad character.
I even asked my lawyer if I could call the police on them, my thing is clearly marked as mine. He advised me against it, since that would escalate quickly. He also knows my cousin, and her side of the family, has a bad character.
* I needed it because I wanted to lend it to a friend who was in a terrible situation. I explained that to my wealthy cousin, hoping she would see how a less privileged person could benefit greatly from borrowing this thing. She didn't care.
posted by mumimor at 6:32 AM on January 8, 2021 [2 favorites]
I was in an almost identical situation a decade ago, and I relented and let them "borrow" the thing (not a piano). When I asked for it back, because I really needed it*, they refused. My cousin's husband even threatened me. And the weird thing is that it's not just that now I dislike her even more than I did. I also blame myself for getting us into that situation, given that I already knew she has a bad character.
I even asked my lawyer if I could call the police on them, my thing is clearly marked as mine. He advised me against it, since that would escalate quickly. He also knows my cousin, and her side of the family, has a bad character.
* I needed it because I wanted to lend it to a friend who was in a terrible situation. I explained that to my wealthy cousin, hoping she would see how a less privileged person could benefit greatly from borrowing this thing. She didn't care.
posted by mumimor at 6:32 AM on January 8, 2021 [2 favorites]
Decent pianos for kids are free these days, you just have to move them. She can find many priced $0-100 on Craigslist right now, anywhere in the USA. She should be fine with that, it will save her a lot of money by not paying to move it twice.
posted by SaltySalticid at 6:57 AM on January 8, 2021
posted by SaltySalticid at 6:57 AM on January 8, 2021
"No, I have plans for that piano."
posted by Liesl at 7:47 AM on January 8, 2021 [5 favorites]
posted by Liesl at 7:47 AM on January 8, 2021 [5 favorites]
If she's a cheapskate, as you suggest, you could point out how much it costs to have a piano moved professionally--and since it's a family heirloom you couldn't possibly have anyone just sling it in the back of a van, obviously--and they do realise that once it's been moved it'll need to be re-tuned, which is also not cheap, and wow they do realise they could buy an electronic keyboard for half of all that?
posted by Hogshead at 3:08 PM on January 8, 2021
posted by Hogshead at 3:08 PM on January 8, 2021
"I'm sorry, it isn't available for loan."
Period.
posted by SageTrail at 5:54 PM on January 8, 2021 [2 favorites]
Period.
posted by SageTrail at 5:54 PM on January 8, 2021 [2 favorites]
1000% agree with everyone above that "No, that won't be possible," repeated forever, is the best way to go here - but be ready for a "Why not?" Because she sounds like someone who WILL ask "Why not?"
Please remember that you do not owe her an explanation, so just be ready with whatever non-answer feels best to you. Anything is fine: "I have plans of my own" is okay, but "oh, I can't really talk about it" or "why do you ask?" or "that's personal" or "I'm not interested in discussing it" are maybe even better.
Just - prepare your answer to "Why not?", so you know what you want to say.
posted by kristi at 11:43 AM on January 12, 2021
Please remember that you do not owe her an explanation, so just be ready with whatever non-answer feels best to you. Anything is fine: "I have plans of my own" is okay, but "oh, I can't really talk about it" or "why do you ask?" or "that's personal" or "I'm not interested in discussing it" are maybe even better.
Just - prepare your answer to "Why not?", so you know what you want to say.
posted by kristi at 11:43 AM on January 12, 2021
This thread is closed to new comments.
If you must offer alternatives, yes digital keyboards are pretty cheap and lots of people are happy to have a family take a piano off their hands via Facebook marketplace, neighborhood classifieds, or Craigslist. I have both received and given away a free piano this way.
It's not too big for the kid's hands, though, so nix that anyway.
posted by nkknkk at 3:55 PM on January 7, 2021 [61 favorites]