Help me rewire my attitude towards non-career women
January 3, 2021 9:37 AM   Subscribe

I take my career seriously. A lot of my friends do too. Now my brother is getting married to a woman who is nice, but is clearly not interested in pursuing a career. And I’m ashamed to say that I feel like he’s settling. How can I be less judgmental?

I grew up in a society where women didn’t work outside the home and felt I had to fight to be taken seriously at school and have a career.

I do have friends from college that are not career motivated but they all have jobs and are financially independent, whereas my brother’s fiancé lives with her parents and doesn’t make enough to support herself.

But that isn’t uncommon in the culture we are from (not American). She doesn’t give any vibes of being a gold digger even though my brother will clearly be the bread winner. She is warm, pretty, loving towards him, comes from a similar family as ours, and seems like a perfectly nice person.

Still, I can’t help feeling a bit astonished when she, for example, said she’s quitting her part time job to get ready for the wedding almost a year away. I am working an intense job with a young child, no sleep, and no family support, and to be honest, I am envious of anyone who is doing no work. (Ok, wedding planning is work, but...)

But why should I be? It was my choice to move far away from my parents and live in a place without their help. It was my choice to pursue a demanding career. And to be fair, I had a lot of encouragement to do intellectual things from my parents that she doesn’t seem to have had. So it’s really quite unfair of me to judge her or feel bad for my brother who is over the moon.

Of course I haven’t expressed this to anyone, but I’m afraid even feeling this way will make itself known somehow. I need to fundamentally rewire myself to be more accepting. I know part of that is to get to know her better, but we don’t live close by and creating a relationship over FaceTime is hard.

Help!
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (30 answers total) 21 users marked this as a favorite
 
I think the most productive thing you can do is spend some time thinking/journaling/talking with someone about how you feel about *your* choices. Nearly always when we are mad at someone else for their totally-personal choices, it's because we have unresolved feelings around our *own* choices and are displacing them.

So are you really happy with your stressful career/family/obligations? Are there things you would like to work towards changing? Do you feel that, right now, you can accept and express your negative feelings about those things, even if you don't want to change any of them? It's totally fine if you are, in fact, where you want to be, but you can be where you want to be and still feel like parts of it suck and that you'd like sympathy and at least emotional support around those parts.

And then, you know, remind yourself that you have made your choices and could have made different ones (and can still in the future!) and someone else making different choices isn't a referendum on yours.
posted by restless_nomad at 9:54 AM on January 3, 2021 [41 favorites]


She’s not you. Her options and lack of options have nothing to do with you. It’s okay to be jealous. I’d try talking about your jealousy with a supportive friend and just totally owning it. Think about your values and choices and do some journaling. You had to break norms to get to where you are; her decision not to is no reflection on you.

Also, she sounds lovely. I say try to get to know her better, if you can do it sincerely.
posted by bluedaisy at 10:00 AM on January 3, 2021 [1 favorite]


It's wise to keep in mind that you may not know the whole story. Some people who are not very career-driven are acting in the best interest of their mental health, but may not be advertising that as the reason. Some people are neurotypical but due to social conditioning may present as completely normal (particularly in women!) and that can make focusing on work nearly impossible. There is a huge stigma that these people are lazy or unmotivated and that isn't case, they just aren't wired the same as you (example: I wasn't diagnosed with ADHD until I was in my mid-30s and it's decimated my career).

The real problem isn't how to be more accepting, it is comparing yourself (how hard you work, your circumstances) to others, and especially not her perceived lack of drive.
posted by Syllables at 10:04 AM on January 3, 2021 [27 favorites]


"I do have friends from college that are not career motivated"

Maybe the place to start is to consider that she's perhaps not so different than these friends of yours. And when you do get a chance to start to know her, find out what does motivate her–who knows, maybe you share a hobby? And focus on how this partnership makes your brother happy (I'm assuming).
posted by coffeecat at 10:04 AM on January 3, 2021 [2 favorites]


I don’t have much to add, only to say that I will be reading this thread with interest as I struggle with the same issue. I judge women who want to become stay at home moms permanently because practically speaking, if all women behaved the same way, women would have a very low glass ceiling in the workforce.
posted by thesockpuppet at 10:05 AM on January 3, 2021 [11 favorites]


I came here to say "get to know her better" until I saw your second-to-last paragraph, because I think you should work on seeing her as an individual rather than just "a non-career woman". Does she have social media you could follow so you could learn about things like...what are the things that matter to her? What makes her happy? What gives her fulfillment? What makes her laugh? What are her hobbies and how does she spend her time day-to-day?
posted by capricorn at 10:13 AM on January 3, 2021


I am working an intense job with a young child, no sleep, and no family support

I would bet if this weren't the case, you wouldn't give a damn what she does with her life. Stress and exhaustion bring out the worst in everyone. How can you try to get the support and space and sleep you need?
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 10:14 AM on January 3, 2021 [45 favorites]


I think you need to politely keep your feelings to yourself on this topic.

Look, I have issues with that too. One of my best friends hasn't held down a job in decades. At one point she and her husband were on the brink of divorce and she was all, "I'm going to have to move in with my first ex-husband because I can't get a job and take care of myself." Now, happily the issues were resolved and they're still together, but it unnerves me greatly to think that someone has no job history for years on end and literally can't qualify to get a job if something happens to her husband. Likewise, an ex-relative of mine decided to become a SAHM for years and I was thinking "I would not trust (my shitty relative, her husband) to take care of her for life," and indeed, they got divorced, but at least she had a job history and could get another one after they broke up.

But....that's her choice. Nothing in life is forcing her to hold down a job and she has people who are willing to 100% financially support her so she doesn't have to. That isn't something too many people have these days. A lot of people wish they could just not have to work at something they hate in order to stay alive. She's lucky and privileged enough to not have to. Those of us who aren't that lucky and privileged, y'know, might have some issues with that. And as you've mentioned, you've had to fight hard against the "women stay at home" stereotype all your life, of COURSE it sets off something in you.

Anyway, I can say that keeping my mouth shut on the topic so far hasn't crept out enough for me to Say Something to get myself in trouble.
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:24 AM on January 3, 2021 [6 favorites]


Well, I'm a "non-career" woman. And I like to think I'm smart, and kind, and funny, and worth having in the family.

I have worked in "traditional" careers, but I hated them. And I was so unhappy. So to now be in a place where I get to be a SAHW is fantastic. I can take care of our animals, and our house, and cooking, and volunteering, and reading, and being a loving kind person and spouse and family member. I can support the world in ways that I couldn't before.

And I like to think that's worthwhile, too.

Your brother is "over the moon." That's awesome. I'd celebrate that part, plus all the parts about how she is wonderful. Can you be happy for that? I'm not trying to be mean or snarky, I'm asking if you are able to look at it that way.
posted by Ms Vegetable at 10:25 AM on January 3, 2021 [45 favorites]


It might additionally help if you started thinking about all of the ways in which homemaking and parenting ARE jobs. As in, there are people whose careers are: cooking, cleaning, raising children. We just don't consider it a job when it's your OWN food, your OWN house, and your OWN kids and that's because our society fucking sucks and hates women and doesn't really think women are humans who should be paid for their labor.

Maybe direct some of your feminist energy toward recognizing the inherent challenge, workload, and dignity in homemaking so that you can:

1) see your new sister-in-law as in fact taking on a real and valid vocation
2) start viewing your own choices re: parenting/housekeeping through a more forgiving lens.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 10:30 AM on January 3, 2021 [44 favorites]


This isn’t clear from your post: is she actually non-career-focused, or are you making an assumption because she’s living at home and not working? There have been times in my life when I (an American male) have been living at home and not working, and it was not because I didn’t care about my career. I can think of a lot of reasons why someone might be in her situation. Maybe her chosen career is something where it’s really hard to find a paying entry level job, like journalism. Maybe her chosen career isn’t a steady Monday-Friday job, but something more sporadic like acting (or behind the scenes theatre work). Maybe she had some mental or physical health issues and she’s taking time to recover before jumping back in. Or maybe, if she’s young, she just hasn’t found something she wants to do as a career yet. I worked a bunch of dead end jobs in my 20s before I got my first job in my “real career” at 32. Lot of reasons she might be career-focused right now. Maybe none of them apply, but I can’t tell from what you’ve said so far, so I’d make sure that none of them apply before judging.
posted by kevinbelt at 10:30 AM on January 3, 2021 [4 favorites]


I know this is philosophically pretty out there but maybe some of this theorizing will help you in your thinking. We all like to think we have choices. We make a choice to pursue a path, we make a choice to have a child, we make a choice to marry, etc.. But all those choices are heavily affected by culture, happenstance, drive and luck. Let’s say I start looking for a job tomorrow. I have 3 options, I make a choice. The choice sucks and has lots of consequences. My fault. My choice. Let’s say, instead, I look for a job on Wednesday. Different options that day, different paths, different choices. Let’s say my parents are financially secure and offer a safety net. Now my “choices” include the option of a safe landing if something goes wrong - different choices, different options, different consequences.

I tried very hard to become a certain thing professionally. I’ve landed somewhere different. At some point after having a kid I made a little peace with the fact that due to culture and happenstance and the patriarchy, the base layer of financial security will be offered to and tended by my husband. I sort of leaned in to “how do we ensure that he continues to be able to provide for us in the way that is offered to men and will never be offered to me”? It sucks. It’s not his fault. It’s not my fault. It is our culture.

My siblings are very different from me and we are all on really different paths. You’d think we’d all be similar but it’s shocking how much our brain chemistry, interests and identities have taken us in such wildly different directions.

Look, it’s lonely battling cultural hegemony. It’s nice to have cohorts in the effort and can feel like betrayal to see others, especially close ones, seemingly lay back in the fluffy comfort of “going along with it.” Recognize this emotion and see it for what it is. You may not end up being very close to this person but she has the potential to be an asset to your “village” and you never know what the future will bring.
posted by amanda at 11:30 AM on January 3, 2021 [10 favorites]


Maybe your feelings are more about what your brother will have: a spouse who stays at home at takes care of childrearing and domestic stuff while he pursues his career. How does your own (unmentioned - maybe you are single but the point stands) spouse stack up against that? Might that be factoring into some bitter feelings that are most easily directed at a new person you don't have much history or investment with?
posted by ewok_academy at 11:40 AM on January 3, 2021 [19 favorites]


It takes all kinds. Really. Just remember that phrase.
posted by wondermouse at 12:29 PM on January 3, 2021 [3 favorites]


Perhaps it's time for a bit of self-reflection... Why are you so... concerned about HIS spouse, when he's not as concerned as you are? Can you try to see things from his POV, rather than yours?
posted by kschang at 12:32 PM on January 3, 2021


Good question, and good for you for thinking about this.

Here's an experience of mine that I think has parallels with yours.

My closest friend is a woman I met when we were both servers in restaurants in our early twenties. I went on to have a 'big' 'important' career and she didn't, and over time the status gap between us grew to a point where it started to seem weird to people that we were so close. People seemed to feel about me the way you're feeling about your brother, like that I was settling for less than I was entitled to.

That made me feel uncomfortable, and so I put some energy into unpacking what was going on. And what I eventually figured out was that my friend is great, the friendship is great, and it's society (lol) that's actually wrong. I realized that I and the people around me had internalized a bunch of stuff that felt to us like feminism, but was really capitalism. Like, we believed that suffering for your work was both unavoidable and fine. We thought it made sense to construct your whole life around your job. I did personally deep down believe that a person's true worth was measured by their paycheck. I wouldn't have said I believed that, but I did actually believe it, ugh.

Once I surfaced and examined some of that stuff, I was able to discard a bunch of it and put the friendship into better perspective. It enabled me to see more clearly the gifts that my friend brings to me: her warmth and kindness, small acts of paying attention and caring, her ability to be present and in the moment with me, her capacity for joy, just all kinds of stuff that I'm not sure I even have language for.

So I would suggest that you approach your future sister-in-law from a stance of humility. Don't judge her based on your values, but instead try to see and appreciate the values that animate how she is choosing to live. Maybe think too about what your brother is getting from the relationship, because presumably he is getting something real and valuable.

If any of this is resonating for you, maybe consider reading The Characteristics of White Supremacy Culture. It really helped me to uncover and think through the values that I'd been raised with and had unknowingly been operating under.
posted by Susan PG at 12:40 PM on January 3, 2021 [53 favorites]


The way you move toward acceptance on things like this is really patience + time + processing. This is not an unusual reaction, you're not a bad person for having it, but it is an opportunity to broaden your thinking on the subject.

I increasingly prescribe dipping a toe in socialism as a cure for overcoming the sharpest edges of capitalist training. Not everyone should need to be a careerist to survive. We should make it more normal to work intermittently or casually and then stop if non-work concerns (whether that's parenting, elder care, one's own wellbeing, a desire to study or volunteer, etc etc) are more important or desirable.

But one other nugget to process because I still struggle with this one: the idea of not working for me is...I would not actually be able to survive. I'm the only person I can expect to support me, and even if my partner suddenly ended up in a situation where I did not have to procure cash and benefits anymore I would not trust the world to make that a good idea for any length of time - maybe I'd take a chance on a couple years off to retrain into another career that is closer to my vocation, but that's it. When I see other women (in particular, as they are are less likely to get second chances) opting hard and early into closing those doors, it fills me with a sense of panic. What if he's an asshole? Or something happens to him? How do you survive??

(The answer in a lot of non-American cultures is that family is a throughline of support if something happens, that's the real on-the-ground answer. Or...some people just cross their fingers and hope it works out.)

That's a tough one to process, because it's not wrong to worry about that, but it's not your worry to get to claim in this case because it's somebody else's decision. You may just have to quietly accept a sense of discomfort about that possibility, but focus on not letting that color your view of her as a person or your brother's family as a unit.
posted by Lyn Never at 12:42 PM on January 3, 2021 [12 favorites]


I recognize those feelings but I echo that usually I've felt them the strongest when I needed to slow down (something I suck at, like really suck at).

My girlfriend stays home; her husband works. She does have kids and does a lot of societally unpaid labour - sometimes I think she over invests in it but then that's really me just judging that she's not paid for it. She's caring and smart and amazing. Sometimes I have wished she would work so that she could have a bigger impact. But she and her family have deliberately chosen to slow down. As a couple the adults have thought through issues like long-term disability and life insurance. And she's pretty driven to explore the world (through literature mostly), she just doesn't get paid for it.

I care quite a lot about work and career, but less and less as I get older, in some ways. I see how frequently I've thought I was progressing in my career when really I was just getting better at meeting other people's priorities. Also, a lot of people are working really hard but...what they're doing is pretty much increasing shareholder value. Working to optimize Facebook Ads is a real job, I've done it as a part of other jobs, but it is useful or good? Using "paid employment" as a shorthand for "driven person" is just that - a shorthand.

And when I was forced out of work briefly over the pandemic, I made career moves but I also did a lot of work at home - repairs, gardening, clearing things out, etc., plus childcare. And...it was nice. And I lost my resentment of other people's calm lives that way.

I think there's something that really hits home when we see other people setting their own priorities differently when we're overwhelmed. So my suggestion is really to focus on just getting to know her as a person, not as a series of career choices, but also be sure you too are getting some time on your own priorities.
posted by warriorqueen at 1:35 PM on January 3, 2021 [12 favorites]


I was very much in a similar place as you about fifteen years ago, when my brother got married. As has been pointed out above, I realised that a lot of my feelings were displaced ambivalence about my own choices. I liked my job and my world but I was beginning to see the cost of the choices I had made (lack of time, less family support, having to live far from family, etc).

What helped me most was figuring out what my feelings said about my choices and values, and getting to know her better. The latter was not easy because we (like you) lived in different places, but time helped -- that, and making an effort to be open to her whenever we were around each other. Interestingly, as I got to know her better, we ended up having several conversations about "the road not taken" and it turned out she had similarly ambivalent feelings about me! I wouldn't be surprised if you found the same. The world is complicated and there are no perfect situations and most thoughtful and compassionate people realise that.
posted by forza at 1:56 PM on January 3, 2021 [7 favorites]


Riffing on amanda'a post above ... I'd like to recommend Matt Haig's "The Midnight Library." It's a lovely meditation on choices, and fate, and the unforeseen outcomes of seemingly small decisions. I think it might help you unpack some things, not just about your future SIL.
posted by cyndigo at 2:20 PM on January 3, 2021 [1 favorite]


quoted from above
"If the person doesn't stay active or maintain a skillset, the mind and reflexes deteriorate"

Your version and my version of active or skill sets may be very different. I love staying home, taking care of our doggies, our household, my spouse. I cook 90% of our meals, shopping and meal planning are very time consuming! I take care of all our household needs, and guess what, we are both happy people. Yes, I depend on him. He depends on me. That's the trust I need and love.

I also read a lot, tend our garden, research and plan all of our vacations. All the doggie care, grooming, ECT. I do 100% of the shopping (from gifts to household needs and groceries) and I do a good job. Its very fulfilling to me. Far more than the jobs I had in my past.

I take a bit of offense that what I do is less than important and that my mind will atrophy because I'm doing dull work.

I'm happy. You do you. Let them do them.
posted by kiwi-epitome at 4:14 PM on January 3, 2021 [17 favorites]


The culture puts people in a hierarchy. Money, power, achievement and education affect status; you respond to it, and most of the world does, too. Try to find the wonderful parts of this person, to see what your brother loves in her. Do stuff together and build a relationship.
posted by theora55 at 5:03 PM on January 3, 2021 [2 favorites]


On a related note, a friend of mine and I were talking about when we were bullied at work today and she said that she had to quit or else she would have died (I will note that she was at the borderline of "retirement age" as well so she could get away with "early retirement"), and she admired me for sticking with it. I said, "I had to stick with it, I will die without my job." Also I am permanently single and I'll never have the fallback option of "my husband will take care of me and support me" like she did. I admit, I feel a wee bit of resentful about that sort of thing too. I'm never going to have that in my life.

Admittedly, even if I was with someone and he somehow made enough money to "take care of me" I probably wouldn't quit to stay at home for aforementioned reasons of "what happens if he can no longer support me and I've had X amount of years of nothing on my resume," but still, it triggered something with me to think about it. Maybe that's an issue for you too, I don't know. Quitting to have an easy life isn't something single ladies get to do.
posted by jenfullmoon at 5:11 PM on January 3, 2021 [6 favorites]


I am a "career woman" with a couple of graduate degrees and a comfortable income. Before I was this way, I was a single mother. Before I was a single mother, I was a married, stay at home mom.

I wouldn't say that now I'm necessarily working harder or thinking more interesting thoughts than I was before graduate degrees, nice job, or comfortable income. I am definitely not a smarter or better person, I'm just better credentialed now. And I'm outsourcing a lot of domestic work to a house cleaner and a nanny and a meal delivery service.

During those years I was thinking about relationships and communication and developmental psychology and child rearing and education and reading all kinds of books. I was working hard, and my domestic and reproductive labour was worth something. It just tended to be undervalued by the people around me because of structural misogyny and capitalism. Also, my friends are mostly smart people with advanced degrees (both now and then), and I love them, but there is for sure some elitism in those circles and I feel like less of an outlier now. I'm happier now, but not because I'm doing something intrinsically more worthwhile.

To be fair, despite all this, I'd probably also roll my eyes at someone who took a year off work to get ready for a wedding. Work brings me a sense of meaning and challenge in life. It sounds like she can't wait to get out. I wonder if this woman is unhappy or insecure at work for reasons that aren't immediately apparent? Maybe she has a learning disability or chronic fatigue or is bullied, or chose the wrong career or... who knows. It might be worth getting to know her to find out. I think the best antidote is probably to approach with compassion and curiosity.
posted by unstrungharp at 5:27 PM on January 3, 2021 [17 favorites]


It's good that you're thinking about your attitudes about this before expressing them to her or him in an unfortunate way. One thing I feel would be good to do is to try to put yourself in her shoes and ask "how would I feel if someone expressed disapproval or even some disappointment about my life choices?"

Everyone makes choices in life, and generally they then live with the results (I avoid the term consequences here because they could be good results too). She's making her choices, and your brother is making his choice. So, in a while they will see where that brings them, just as you will continue to see the results of yours. May they be good results for all of you.
posted by TimHare at 9:16 PM on January 3, 2021 [1 favorite]


Mod note: One deleted. Please just answer the question from your own perspective and give your own advice rather than critiquing other replies or trying to start an argument with other answerers. (Also, be careful about assuming gender.)
posted by taz (staff) at 11:31 PM on January 3, 2021 [1 favorite]


This resonated with me because I’m in a place where I’m struggling with these feelings about myself and choices I want to make this year. So sharing this in case it means something to you.

If you are a woman: could it be that this is bringing up frustrations in you about the limitations inherent in paid work and unpaid work, and the general bad deal women get in this game?

I have been a hardcore career person so far in my life, and gotten a lot of satisfaction from it. I like doing a good job that’s publicly recognised and validated. As someone who witnessed a difficult divorce as a child, I also value the financial security that comes with having a career. But - I have had to sacrifice precious time with my young child, and neglect my mental and physical health to make this happen. It’s difficult to do this and see my husband and other men in my peer group succeed financially far above me. And during the pandemic I made the choice to cover childcare as my husband is the higher earner, which was just very hard. I’m frustrated.

I’m considering taking a step back and doing more unpaid work at home (cooking/cleaning/childcare), but even if I find this rewarding I know it will hurt me financially in the long run (both pension and careerwise) make me more dependent on my husband, and give me less opportunity for public achievement and validation. Although I am hoping it might give me the opportunity to rethink my career path and try new things, too.

Maybe looking at the choice this woman has made, and comparing it to your own choices, you feel upset because neither of these situations really work for you and it’s causing some cognitive dissonance? That’s where I’m at and I really feel stuck. I could see really resenting and wrestling with my feelings about the brother’s fiancée in that situation. (And yes wedding thing is a little eye roll-y but to give the benefit of the doubt, maybe she said it out of nervousness that people were judging her unemployment.)

If this is true for you, know that you are not alone in feeling this way at all. Many, many women are struggling with this problem this year especially.

Aside from that, which is a big deal itself, I agree with advice above to try and see her as an individual and get to know her a bit. If you have to see her as a class of person, see her as a woman who is trying to navigate patriarchy and capitalism the best she can, just like the rest of us. Good luck. From what you have written you seem like a very self-aware and kind person.
posted by Concordia at 7:40 AM on January 4, 2021 [4 favorites]


I can't speak to cultures outside of America. But here in California, stay-at-home parents are crucial to the functioning of elementary school life. SAHPs are usually the ones leading the Girl Scout troop, coaching the soccer team, arranging gifts for the teachers, and speaking up for anti-racism at the PTA. They're the ones you call when your kid needs a ride or you have a question about the teacher. Even at expensive private schools, SAHPs are the glue holding the community together. I'm so grateful that SAHPs around me have the bandwidth to take on all the stuff I don't have time or energy for.

If your kid is young, you may not have had the opportunity to lean on a SAHP yet. But once you do, I suspect you might view their choices in a different light. And yes, it is a problem that society is set up this way. I wish it was possible to work full-time and participate to the full extent in forming community. But since it isn't, I'm gonna keep appreciating my SAHP friends and their contributions to our kids' lives.
posted by equipoise at 2:48 PM on January 4, 2021 [5 favorites]


> I realized that I and the people around me had internalized a bunch of stuff that felt to us like feminism, but was really capitalism.

That's put so well. Even if we accept that everyone has a responsibility to contribute to society, why should we say that the best way to do that is through paid labor?

I had a lot of encouragement to do intellectual things from my parents that she doesn’t seem to have had.

You have a very busy life. Is your paid job the only place where you use your intellect? If so, that might say more about your choices than about hers.

People can live fulfilling, intellectually challenging jobs through their families, hobbies, volunteer work, etc. Or they can decide they don't want to be challenged, and that they're content living an easy life. Who are we to judge?
posted by The corpse in the library at 6:12 PM on January 4, 2021 [2 favorites]


To be honest, I agree with you. I think as long as your perspective is not harming your SIL (which it doesn’t seem like it is), then it is not a necessity to change your personal values. You’re a different person from your SIL. That is normal.

And I don’t agree with the assessments here that you are jealous of your SIL. You never said anything about that and I think people are imposing that on you. Yes, you may rightfully need more time and help with certain things, but that doesn’t mean you’re jealous of her.

Not all jobs = exploitative capitalism. I work for a museum where I have an immensely emotionally and intellectually rewarding job. It is the best thing in my life, apart from my closest interpersonal relationships.

My mom was a nurse in the 60s when women in that profession were treated like hyper-sexualized medical secretaries and the work she took to challenge that stereotype (including some pretty big wins and change in policy at the national union level) is core to her identity, as is her involvement with her work. I relate strongly to the sentiment up-thread that if every woman was a stay at home parent, these changes would not happen/be much slower in happening.

It is okay to center your career in your life if that makes you happy. You’ve worked really hard to get where you are in an environment that wasn’t (isn’t?) always respectful of your ability to make those choices for yourself. Running up against a glass ceiling anywhere is a huge undertaking.

It’s also okay if your SIL wants a different life where she contributes to the world in other ways. I echo the advice of getting to know her better as a person. But please don’t feel forced to change yourself. You are fine as you are.
posted by oywiththepoodles at 1:04 PM on January 15, 2021 [2 favorites]


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