Keeping the fire alive in a pandemic
December 28, 2020 10:05 PM Subscribe
How are you and your partner handling the quarantine sexual lulls? What are you doing to keep the spark alive?
I recently married my partner of about 5 years. While I was disappointed that we had to cancel our wedding (we did a virtual wedding in our living room) and wait in perpetuity for a honeymoon, I’ve found that our extended time together has been sweet and playful (it’s been a nice and necessary distraction from the world around us imploding). In many ways, I’ve felt grateful for the together time because we’ve come so much closer as friends and partners as a couple.
That said, within the last month or so, I noticed that we slowed down having sex (1 or fewer times per week). We started talking about it, and my husband said that he was struggling to feel sexually attracted to me recently. He said that it was due to being in the house for so long, there hasn’t been much of a reason to dress up or try to look special like we did when were going out on dates or to bars with friends. I also know that I’ve put on weight after our August wedding and the holidays certainly haven’t helped. I’ve struggled to stay in the same workout routine that I had pre-pandemic when I could actually go to the gym and had an active job. I definitely don’t feel as healthy as I did pre-pandemic (certainly less attractive), and I’m sure that my lowered confidence impacts him.
I appreciate that he was honest with me without shaming me or making me feel terrible (even though it definitely stings). I know that ultimately half of this stems from me needing to figure out healthy routines in our new normal, but I also know that the weight of the pandemic is impacting the passion of our relationship. It’s upsetting since we’re literally newlyweds; we should be still riding on all of the tingly, exciting feelings that we had around our wedding time. But it’s so clear that we’re going to be shuttered for at least another 6-12 months, minimum, and I’m scared about losing the passion so early on in our marriage.
I am going to do my part to reprioritize a healthy routine, but what other things can we do? We are both working from home right now and will be for the foreseeable future, so we’re just kind of on top of each other a lot most of the day. We talked about doing in-home date nights and getting dressed up for them... is there anything else? I would also love to know if other couples have faced similar issues and how you handled them. I hope that we’re doing the right thing by talking about this instead of sweeping it under the rug.
I recently married my partner of about 5 years. While I was disappointed that we had to cancel our wedding (we did a virtual wedding in our living room) and wait in perpetuity for a honeymoon, I’ve found that our extended time together has been sweet and playful (it’s been a nice and necessary distraction from the world around us imploding). In many ways, I’ve felt grateful for the together time because we’ve come so much closer as friends and partners as a couple.
That said, within the last month or so, I noticed that we slowed down having sex (1 or fewer times per week). We started talking about it, and my husband said that he was struggling to feel sexually attracted to me recently. He said that it was due to being in the house for so long, there hasn’t been much of a reason to dress up or try to look special like we did when were going out on dates or to bars with friends. I also know that I’ve put on weight after our August wedding and the holidays certainly haven’t helped. I’ve struggled to stay in the same workout routine that I had pre-pandemic when I could actually go to the gym and had an active job. I definitely don’t feel as healthy as I did pre-pandemic (certainly less attractive), and I’m sure that my lowered confidence impacts him.
I appreciate that he was honest with me without shaming me or making me feel terrible (even though it definitely stings). I know that ultimately half of this stems from me needing to figure out healthy routines in our new normal, but I also know that the weight of the pandemic is impacting the passion of our relationship. It’s upsetting since we’re literally newlyweds; we should be still riding on all of the tingly, exciting feelings that we had around our wedding time. But it’s so clear that we’re going to be shuttered for at least another 6-12 months, minimum, and I’m scared about losing the passion so early on in our marriage.
I am going to do my part to reprioritize a healthy routine, but what other things can we do? We are both working from home right now and will be for the foreseeable future, so we’re just kind of on top of each other a lot most of the day. We talked about doing in-home date nights and getting dressed up for them... is there anything else? I would also love to know if other couples have faced similar issues and how you handled them. I hope that we’re doing the right thing by talking about this instead of sweeping it under the rug.
Response by poster: We’ve lived together close to 2.5 years.
posted by orangesky4 at 10:49 PM on December 28, 2020
posted by orangesky4 at 10:49 PM on December 28, 2020
Response by poster: Apologies for thread-sitting, but I also should have included in the post that we haven’t had these issues together in our relationship before. He has always been very affirming of me physically and has been verbal about how beautiful he thinks I am.
posted by orangesky4 at 11:02 PM on December 28, 2020
posted by orangesky4 at 11:02 PM on December 28, 2020
How about stirring his appetite in other ways while you're doing whatever you decide to do with your health? You could write him sexy letters/fantasies and tuck them into the book he's reading, or send him hot emails after he goes to bed that he'll see when he starts working the next morning. They wouldn't have to be things to do in the present, and you don't necessarily want to make him feel like you're doing it so he'll do something physical in return. Just make up sexy (or just sensual) stories and present them to him in whatever format works best. It'll get you more in the mood, and him as well. When you feel more jazzed, in general, you feel more jazzed about your partner.
Basically, do the kinds of things you would do if you WERE NOT "just kind of on top of each other most of the day." Imagine you were living apart for a while, and think about what you'd do to keep the sparks long-distance. Make his brain sizzle. Maybe even agree NOT to physically do anything about it for a week or two, but focus on the brain part of attraction.
posted by The Wrong Kind of Cheese at 11:25 PM on December 28, 2020 [3 favorites]
Basically, do the kinds of things you would do if you WERE NOT "just kind of on top of each other most of the day." Imagine you were living apart for a while, and think about what you'd do to keep the sparks long-distance. Make his brain sizzle. Maybe even agree NOT to physically do anything about it for a week or two, but focus on the brain part of attraction.
posted by The Wrong Kind of Cheese at 11:25 PM on December 28, 2020 [3 favorites]
First things first, I want to validate that it's totally ok for this to sting and actually, you don't have to give him extra cookie kudos for saying what he did. He did like one little bitty step above just consistently being an asshole to you with no explanation frankly.
I mean, I feel like instead of charging you with getting Pandemic Hawt, your husband should be the one on here asking for help! But, fuckin' patriarchy I guess, if women want a thing done they gotta do it themfuckingselves. Christ. What was he gonna do if you had a kid (if that was in your plans)? Your body was gonna change then, no? y'all weren't going to be going on tons of hot dates then. GUH. On the plus side be glad he has to grow the shit up and deal with this before you have a tiny screaming humanbeast on your hands.
But that's not why you called.
I don't want to write off the pandemic stress itself as a factor here because it's actually probably a big one, and because of [SEE ABOVE RANT RE: PATRIARCHY IS GARBAGE], it's probably easier for him to blame his brand-new beloved wife than to admit to being scared and bored and depressed and sad all at the same time.
So as for what can you both do, I think thing number 1 is everybody gets themselves a therapist. Yeah it's trash doing therapy remote. It sucks. It's like a work meeting where you just cry all the time and pay them instead of getting paid? It should be illegal. But you both need someone to talk to who isn't your spouse and who is helping you work through your pandemic feelings.
Second thing is you have to figure out how to give each other actual space. Whether that means taking turns on super long walks, or maybe someone gets a hotel room (I don't know how that works anymore, but that's why we get more than one AskMe question), you just actually do need space. Especially now that someone ahem your husband has dropped a big ol turd in the punchbowl and I bet you're feeling a bit surveilled and judged right now.
Third thing is you have to just promise yourself that you're not going to consider this specific situation a referendum on the future of your marriage. We have to give everyone some mulligans on this entire year. I still say your husband has fucked up. But that doesn't mean the passion is forever gone and that your marriage is doomed. It just means this year gets its nasty sticky bullshit on everything it touches, and unfortunately I do mean every last thing. So take the pressure off yourself, first off, to singlehandedly save the passion. Take the pressure off the "honeymoon phase" to be Super Awesome Amazepants. Nothing is that this year. Nothing. Set your expectations, briefly, to "survivably shitty". And make sure he resets his too.
None of this is the one weird trick that will ignite his fire or whatever (vom) but to my mind it's how you all get from here to August in one piece.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 11:50 PM on December 28, 2020 [56 favorites]
I mean, I feel like instead of charging you with getting Pandemic Hawt, your husband should be the one on here asking for help! But, fuckin' patriarchy I guess, if women want a thing done they gotta do it themfuckingselves. Christ. What was he gonna do if you had a kid (if that was in your plans)? Your body was gonna change then, no? y'all weren't going to be going on tons of hot dates then. GUH. On the plus side be glad he has to grow the shit up and deal with this before you have a tiny screaming humanbeast on your hands.
But that's not why you called.
I don't want to write off the pandemic stress itself as a factor here because it's actually probably a big one, and because of [SEE ABOVE RANT RE: PATRIARCHY IS GARBAGE], it's probably easier for him to blame his brand-new beloved wife than to admit to being scared and bored and depressed and sad all at the same time.
So as for what can you both do, I think thing number 1 is everybody gets themselves a therapist. Yeah it's trash doing therapy remote. It sucks. It's like a work meeting where you just cry all the time and pay them instead of getting paid? It should be illegal. But you both need someone to talk to who isn't your spouse and who is helping you work through your pandemic feelings.
Second thing is you have to figure out how to give each other actual space. Whether that means taking turns on super long walks, or maybe someone gets a hotel room (I don't know how that works anymore, but that's why we get more than one AskMe question), you just actually do need space. Especially now that someone ahem your husband has dropped a big ol turd in the punchbowl and I bet you're feeling a bit surveilled and judged right now.
Third thing is you have to just promise yourself that you're not going to consider this specific situation a referendum on the future of your marriage. We have to give everyone some mulligans on this entire year. I still say your husband has fucked up. But that doesn't mean the passion is forever gone and that your marriage is doomed. It just means this year gets its nasty sticky bullshit on everything it touches, and unfortunately I do mean every last thing. So take the pressure off yourself, first off, to singlehandedly save the passion. Take the pressure off the "honeymoon phase" to be Super Awesome Amazepants. Nothing is that this year. Nothing. Set your expectations, briefly, to "survivably shitty". And make sure he resets his too.
None of this is the one weird trick that will ignite his fire or whatever (vom) but to my mind it's how you all get from here to August in one piece.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 11:50 PM on December 28, 2020 [56 favorites]
Lack of attraction is also what depression and ennui and cabin fever look like. His feelings of attraction toward you are not some perfectly calibrated objective barometer of You.
Partner and I started taking baths together once a week or so, which has been pretty reliably sexy because, uh, slippery soapy bubble bath in close quarters. We've also been doing "date night" because lbr we have enough hobbies to keep us entertained apart several nights and it's nice to then come together and focus on taking care of each other. It also helps the general "everything is boring and sucky" cabin fever for us both if we can do something kind of special and unusual like an outing to go look at something cool.
I'm the lower libido partner (sounds like that's your husband) and those things plus the occasional bit of sexy flirting from my partner are all good for making me remember, oh, right, that's a thing I like, I should think about doing that again sometime.
posted by Lady Li at 12:06 AM on December 29, 2020 [9 favorites]
Partner and I started taking baths together once a week or so, which has been pretty reliably sexy because, uh, slippery soapy bubble bath in close quarters. We've also been doing "date night" because lbr we have enough hobbies to keep us entertained apart several nights and it's nice to then come together and focus on taking care of each other. It also helps the general "everything is boring and sucky" cabin fever for us both if we can do something kind of special and unusual like an outing to go look at something cool.
I'm the lower libido partner (sounds like that's your husband) and those things plus the occasional bit of sexy flirting from my partner are all good for making me remember, oh, right, that's a thing I like, I should think about doing that again sometime.
posted by Lady Li at 12:06 AM on December 29, 2020 [9 favorites]
It sounds like you said you put on weight and don't feel as healthy - he blamed it on the sameness of being at home all the time. So, taking him at his word, look at ways to create variety.
One way to do this is create a "sexual menu" - each person makes two columns - things that they would really like to do or to try (at least once) and things that they might be interested in trying or they are OK doing. You can get plenty of ideas from the internet. Try to include enough variety that will partner will be able to find things that excite them too. Then exchange lists and each person circles a couple of things from the other person's lists that they would willing to do/like to do. (Some people also have a list of things they don't want to do, at least now but since the focus on trying new things that interest both of you, you don't need to go there for this purpose.)
That gives a mutually agreeable starting point of ideas that one person suggested and the other circled. Then you just need to decide how you want to make it happen. Maybe you work to together to make the plans for special time. Maybe you each undertaken to initiate one thing from your partner's list each week at an unexpected time. It should go in both directions - he trying out things to please you, you trying out things to please him. After a while, you can make new lists with some thing dropping out and new things added.
posted by metahawk at 12:25 AM on December 29, 2020 [1 favorite]
One way to do this is create a "sexual menu" - each person makes two columns - things that they would really like to do or to try (at least once) and things that they might be interested in trying or they are OK doing. You can get plenty of ideas from the internet. Try to include enough variety that will partner will be able to find things that excite them too. Then exchange lists and each person circles a couple of things from the other person's lists that they would willing to do/like to do. (Some people also have a list of things they don't want to do, at least now but since the focus on trying new things that interest both of you, you don't need to go there for this purpose.)
That gives a mutually agreeable starting point of ideas that one person suggested and the other circled. Then you just need to decide how you want to make it happen. Maybe you work to together to make the plans for special time. Maybe you each undertaken to initiate one thing from your partner's list each week at an unexpected time. It should go in both directions - he trying out things to please you, you trying out things to please him. After a while, you can make new lists with some thing dropping out and new things added.
posted by metahawk at 12:25 AM on December 29, 2020 [1 favorite]
Marriages go through peaks and troughs in terms of sexual activity and I don't think you need to make a big deal about this trough. I also think it's maybe a little unrealistic to expect tingly newlywed feelings to translate into sexual passion when you've been together and living together quite a while already. So basically try not to put so much pressure on yourself or your husband - it sounds like you have a wonderful relationship and having sex slightly less often for a while doesn't change that.
posted by hazyjane at 1:57 AM on December 29, 2020 [4 favorites]
posted by hazyjane at 1:57 AM on December 29, 2020 [4 favorites]
I just read back in your Ask history and found that even in the beginning, your boyfriend didn't have a particularly high libido ('We talked about his masturbation and porn habits and he said that he might masturbate once or twice a week if I weren't around"). If he only wanted sexual activity 1-2 times per week when your relationship was new, it's incredibly unsurprising that now, in the midst of a pandemic, and being 5 years older, he wants it a bit less than that.
I also see a pattern in your relationship of unequal labor. I was sad for you again when I read about your being "tasked" [meaning, he assigns tasks, you perform them? :-( ] with choosing wedding rings, for example. Here again you're being tasked with work, in this case to address *his* problem. When you tell him you are unhappy with something, does he rush off to fix it? It doesn't seem that way from your post history. I think a Big Talk (TM) about the underlying issues that have been ongoing would be in order.
posted by Flock of Cynthiabirds at 3:12 AM on December 29, 2020 [8 favorites]
I also see a pattern in your relationship of unequal labor. I was sad for you again when I read about your being "tasked" [meaning, he assigns tasks, you perform them? :-( ] with choosing wedding rings, for example. Here again you're being tasked with work, in this case to address *his* problem. When you tell him you are unhappy with something, does he rush off to fix it? It doesn't seem that way from your post history. I think a Big Talk (TM) about the underlying issues that have been ongoing would be in order.
posted by Flock of Cynthiabirds at 3:12 AM on December 29, 2020 [8 favorites]
Just chiming in to agree that the tingly newly wed feelings go away quite quickly, even more so if you were living together before marriage. The pressure to be "newly weds" can make it tough too.
posted by freethefeet at 3:22 AM on December 29, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by freethefeet at 3:22 AM on December 29, 2020 [1 favorite]
From an old married: The best way I’ve found to keep having sex is to have a kind of regular sexytimes schedule. It doesn’t mean doing anything either partner doesn’t want to do but it kind of opens the door without having to create an elaborate ritual. At your point in our marriage back with dead trees it involved a copy of the NYT and scones on Sundays. For us, having a regular time leads to lots more irregular time sex, sort of sex begets sex.
I honestly am too old to remember but I feel like expecting the sexy honeymoon to last for years after moving in is not an expectation I remember from the ancient days? Is this a TikTok thing? :) But seriously...the fear that if you’re not all over each other for X months spells doom doesn’t sit right with me. It sounds a bit media-induced.
I know this is the opposite of dressing up and going dancing, but that’s sort of why I brought it up...for us the reason we are sexy to each other is we know each other’s bodies *so well.* Sagging, wrinkly, as familiar as all get out. It’s really common for that transition to be a bit up and down. And seriously, global pandemic.
Anyways I would try just scheduling low key intimacy and see where it leads.
posted by warriorqueen at 4:32 AM on December 29, 2020 [9 favorites]
I honestly am too old to remember but I feel like expecting the sexy honeymoon to last for years after moving in is not an expectation I remember from the ancient days? Is this a TikTok thing? :) But seriously...the fear that if you’re not all over each other for X months spells doom doesn’t sit right with me. It sounds a bit media-induced.
I know this is the opposite of dressing up and going dancing, but that’s sort of why I brought it up...for us the reason we are sexy to each other is we know each other’s bodies *so well.* Sagging, wrinkly, as familiar as all get out. It’s really common for that transition to be a bit up and down. And seriously, global pandemic.
Anyways I would try just scheduling low key intimacy and see where it leads.
posted by warriorqueen at 4:32 AM on December 29, 2020 [9 favorites]
Best answer: Sometimes slow downs just...happen. It sounds like this has been going on for a month or less, so maybe just give him some time to sort things out and see how it goes after another few weeks. My partner and I have periods of lower frequency, because of work stress, general blahness, or an attack of the sads. We just accept that as part of a normal relationship cycle.
Are we less attracted to one another those times? Well, yeah. But that doesnt mean either of us are objectively less attractive. When you're not feeling sex-inclinded, of course sexual attraction (to anyone!) is going to be at a low ebb.
Sounds like you do need to find ways to give each other more space, as well as making some time to dress up a bit, like planning an at-home date (eg. order delivery and set the table nicely with some candles) or a trip out together to a park or something.
And whatever you do, try not to take this personally. Sexuality is complex, and surprisingly has way less to do with objective attractiveness than you might think.
posted by ananci at 11:16 AM on December 29, 2020 [3 favorites]
Are we less attracted to one another those times? Well, yeah. But that doesnt mean either of us are objectively less attractive. When you're not feeling sex-inclinded, of course sexual attraction (to anyone!) is going to be at a low ebb.
Sounds like you do need to find ways to give each other more space, as well as making some time to dress up a bit, like planning an at-home date (eg. order delivery and set the table nicely with some candles) or a trip out together to a park or something.
And whatever you do, try not to take this personally. Sexuality is complex, and surprisingly has way less to do with objective attractiveness than you might think.
posted by ananci at 11:16 AM on December 29, 2020 [3 favorites]
The Savage Lovecast podcast opens every episode with a pandemic sex success story, you might find some inspiration there, or from the answered questions from listeners. I find it pretty sexy and inspiring as well as a great listen. Hope this isn’t too off what you requested.
posted by sumiami at 9:24 PM on December 31, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by sumiami at 9:24 PM on December 31, 2020 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by blerghamot at 10:32 PM on December 28, 2020