How to be a good sister in law
December 25, 2020 11:09 AM Subscribe
My brother is getting married, yay! I am very close to him and a bit nervous about how to start off on the right foot with my sister in law to be. If you have a good relationship with your sibling in law, please share your tips. And if you don’t, I want to learn what not to do as well.
Some snowflake details in case they’re relevant:
I have not met her in person because my brother got together with her when the pandemic started and we haven’t been in the same place since . :(
I am female.
We won’t be living close to each other, but I do talk to my brother quite a bit virtually and hope to remain close after they’re married, in whatever capacity is possible.
We don’t have much in common although she seems like a lovely person. The few times I’ve talked to her over FaceTime, it’s been relaxed and nice, but I’m always running out of things to say. I’m socially awkward and weak at chit chat at the best of times, and in this relationship, I’m particularly worried about saying the wrong thing.
I guess I’m paranoid because both my parents have fraught relationships with their siblings and their spouses.
Some snowflake details in case they’re relevant:
I have not met her in person because my brother got together with her when the pandemic started and we haven’t been in the same place since . :(
I am female.
We won’t be living close to each other, but I do talk to my brother quite a bit virtually and hope to remain close after they’re married, in whatever capacity is possible.
We don’t have much in common although she seems like a lovely person. The few times I’ve talked to her over FaceTime, it’s been relaxed and nice, but I’m always running out of things to say. I’m socially awkward and weak at chit chat at the best of times, and in this relationship, I’m particularly worried about saying the wrong thing.
I guess I’m paranoid because both my parents have fraught relationships with their siblings and their spouses.
1) Approach her as her own person, not just your brother's wife. Just like any other person you would like to know better. Show interest in her interests, share yours. Talk about topics that are not your brother. Don't shower her with presents right away or anything over the top, to show goodwill. Keep it low key and take your cues from her.
2) approach without firm expectations. See if she might make a good friend, and if she proves uninterested, or flaky, or just not good, enthusiastic friend material, stick to "friendly acquaintance" mode. You guys don't have to be friends, cordial is fine!
3) keep out of their relationship. Don't talk shit about him with her, or her with him. If they have a fight and complain at you, never say anything negative about either of them.
posted by Omnomnom at 11:27 AM on December 25, 2020 [8 favorites]
2) approach without firm expectations. See if she might make a good friend, and if she proves uninterested, or flaky, or just not good, enthusiastic friend material, stick to "friendly acquaintance" mode. You guys don't have to be friends, cordial is fine!
3) keep out of their relationship. Don't talk shit about him with her, or her with him. If they have a fight and complain at you, never say anything negative about either of them.
posted by Omnomnom at 11:27 AM on December 25, 2020 [8 favorites]
I (F) have a good relationship with my new SIL. We are all middle aged and my SIL and I have nothing in common: different educations, interests and tastes and hobbies etc. Our warm relationship is based almost 100% on my expressing to her in a lot of ways that I appreciate how happy she makes my brother, that I love her for this. I often compliment the things she does for him which includes how she makes their home and does their garden and takes care of their pet. And I say warm nice things to her in general about how I hope she's doing, whenever I can.
Similarly my own husband's sister treats me like the above, I have little in common with her but i feel appreciated and loved because I know she sees how much I love her brother. This makes me feel accepted and seen.
I also have a close relationship with my BIL who has been married to my sister for almost 25 years. They started dating in high school and got married soon after college. I feel like I've always known him. My relationship with him is based on a shared sense of humor and evolved organically since we've all grown up together basically.
These are the two models of sibling-in-law friendship I know, they are different but both really good in their own ways.
posted by ojocaliente at 11:32 AM on December 25, 2020 [9 favorites]
Similarly my own husband's sister treats me like the above, I have little in common with her but i feel appreciated and loved because I know she sees how much I love her brother. This makes me feel accepted and seen.
I also have a close relationship with my BIL who has been married to my sister for almost 25 years. They started dating in high school and got married soon after college. I feel like I've always known him. My relationship with him is based on a shared sense of humor and evolved organically since we've all grown up together basically.
These are the two models of sibling-in-law friendship I know, they are different but both really good in their own ways.
posted by ojocaliente at 11:32 AM on December 25, 2020 [9 favorites]
Yep, find something in common and build a relationship around that.
Your brother might be able to suggest some things where you overlap.
Otherwise, set up a low pressure conversation (text or email) and start asking questions. Maybe get her version of their meeting and fun dates, and tak about him if things get quiet.
But essentially, yes, you need a connection separate from your brother -- and then it'll feel way more comfortable! And good on you for this!!
posted by wenestvedt at 12:06 PM on December 25, 2020
Your brother might be able to suggest some things where you overlap.
Otherwise, set up a low pressure conversation (text or email) and start asking questions. Maybe get her version of their meeting and fun dates, and tak about him if things get quiet.
But essentially, yes, you need a connection separate from your brother -- and then it'll feel way more comfortable! And good on you for this!!
posted by wenestvedt at 12:06 PM on December 25, 2020
This may be a little too obvious, but avoid talking about contentious topics like religion and politics. If my parents had followed this rule early on the relationship between the in-laws would have been so much better.
posted by mundo at 1:01 PM on December 25, 2020 [2 favorites]
posted by mundo at 1:01 PM on December 25, 2020 [2 favorites]
Tell her what annoys you about your brother, so she knows she has an ally :-)
I am only half kidding.
Discover what’s important to her, what are the Acts of Kindess that matter to her, and tune in to that. My SIL is the most generous person in the world. She really loves to gives gifts, writes heartfelt notes. Especially Thank Yous. When I figured this out & followed in kind, our relationship really flourished. We are still on great terms even post divorce.
posted by armoir from antproof case at 2:50 PM on December 25, 2020 [3 favorites]
I am only half kidding.
Discover what’s important to her, what are the Acts of Kindess that matter to her, and tune in to that. My SIL is the most generous person in the world. She really loves to gives gifts, writes heartfelt notes. Especially Thank Yous. When I figured this out & followed in kind, our relationship really flourished. We are still on great terms even post divorce.
posted by armoir from antproof case at 2:50 PM on December 25, 2020 [3 favorites]
I have great relationships with my in-laws but I don't communicate with them as much as my husband does - I don't join every video call and I'm not part of the group text, for example. My advice is to not be offended if she isn't as available or is not engaged on the same frequency as your brother -- it's likely not personal.
posted by sm1tten at 4:07 PM on December 25, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by sm1tten at 4:07 PM on December 25, 2020 [1 favorite]
With most relationships, intensity is directly proportional to time, so you can ease into them. By the time somebody is your best friend or your fiance, you've had plenty of opportunities to figure out what you have in common with them, and how your conversational rhythms work, etc.
In-laws are weird in that you suddenly have this very close relationship with somebody you may not have spent much time with. So, my biggest piece of advice is just to be patient with yourself. Accept a level of conversational awkwardness that has more in common with somebody you've just met than with a a close family member. You might evolve into best friends, but that will take the same amount of time as if she wasn't your in-law.
There's nothing inherently magical about in-law relationships-- but then again, there's nothing inherently fraught about them. I'm not denying your totally valid observations about your parents' relationships! I'm just saying that it probably wasn't their in-lawness that destined them to be fraught. As with any relationship, if everybody treats each other with kindness and respect, things will work out fine.
If it helps to have some anecdata, I've been married for 23 years and I get along great with my wife's siblings and my siblings' spouses and my wife's sibling's spouses. I think of them as bonus brothers and sisters I lucked into in adulthood. All it took to make that happen was for us to treat each other and our partners with kindness and respect, and then let our relationships evolve naturally over the years.
posted by yankeefog at 5:06 AM on December 26, 2020 [1 favorite]
In-laws are weird in that you suddenly have this very close relationship with somebody you may not have spent much time with. So, my biggest piece of advice is just to be patient with yourself. Accept a level of conversational awkwardness that has more in common with somebody you've just met than with a a close family member. You might evolve into best friends, but that will take the same amount of time as if she wasn't your in-law.
There's nothing inherently magical about in-law relationships-- but then again, there's nothing inherently fraught about them. I'm not denying your totally valid observations about your parents' relationships! I'm just saying that it probably wasn't their in-lawness that destined them to be fraught. As with any relationship, if everybody treats each other with kindness and respect, things will work out fine.
If it helps to have some anecdata, I've been married for 23 years and I get along great with my wife's siblings and my siblings' spouses and my wife's sibling's spouses. I think of them as bonus brothers and sisters I lucked into in adulthood. All it took to make that happen was for us to treat each other and our partners with kindness and respect, and then let our relationships evolve naturally over the years.
posted by yankeefog at 5:06 AM on December 26, 2020 [1 favorite]
I really like my sister in law because she’s smart and fun. She’s warm with me in a way that feels genuine, not just because I’m her brother’s partner. The only thing she has done that annoyed me was give me advice about housekeeping. The advice was valid but I felt it was gendered to suggest it to the woman in the couple, plus overly familiar given that she didn’t know me very well. She should have given that exact advice to her brother, not to me! But it was only once, and she made up for it by being fun, and also, she’s great with our kid and really gushes over him, which easily absolves most minor sins.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 8:04 PM on December 26, 2020
posted by nouvelle-personne at 8:04 PM on December 26, 2020
My situation may not apply to everyone, but I am about to get divorced due to my in laws (mostly my mother in law and sister in law). My advice is not to get close to your in laws, ever, for any reason, unless it comes completely naturally and you would be friends anyway. Maintain respectful, polite distance and don’t force it.
posted by stockpuppet at 8:23 PM on December 27, 2020
posted by stockpuppet at 8:23 PM on December 27, 2020
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You probably have a lot of knowledge and insight about your brother, and sharing that (when appropriate) with his new fiancée might be a good way to show her that you don't see her as "in competition" with you for his love and attention.
Also, most people love to talk about themselves - so if you're running out of topics, questions to get to know her better are probably a great fallback :)
Congrats to your brother!
posted by girlalex at 11:26 AM on December 25, 2020 [12 favorites]