Am I being a jerk about my boyfriend's Burning Man obsession
December 5, 2020 7:59 AM Subscribe
My new beau is a self proclaimed "Burner" he talks about it all of the time. Apparently his ex girlfriend took him a few years ago and now he seems to have made it a big part of his personality. I'd personally prefer to like travel with that time and energy, but it's important to him, so I told him although I would not go, I'd absolutely send a friend of mine who would like it, with him (I love him a lot so I want him to have a buddy that will keep him safe...he is 64 and has had two strokes) But, he does a LOT of drugs there, and I told him that I didn't think after the strokes he should do drugs again. He said I was being unreasonable and now we are in a standoff. If you don't enjoy something sober, or fear that you won't, is that just an excuse to do drugs?
I'm literally not allowed to say "Burning Man" right now because the fight got so bad. He was pontificating about how AMAZING the experience is. I'm like dude, I've been on medically prescribed IV Ketamine, and I UNDERSTAND that feeling, but it's not about art in the desert, it's THE DRUGS.
I'm literally not allowed to say "Burning Man" right now because the fight got so bad. He was pontificating about how AMAZING the experience is. I'm like dude, I've been on medically prescribed IV Ketamine, and I UNDERSTAND that feeling, but it's not about art in the desert, it's THE DRUGS.
I don’t have a response but can sympathize. This has been on my mind a lot lately so thank you for asking this question. I’m eager to see the responses.
posted by Juniper Toast at 8:08 AM on December 5, 2020
posted by Juniper Toast at 8:08 AM on December 5, 2020
Why are you sending a friend of yours with him? I don't know if you're being a jerk, but you're taking on responsibility that isn't yours.
posted by The corpse in the library at 8:08 AM on December 5, 2020 [39 favorites]
posted by The corpse in the library at 8:08 AM on December 5, 2020 [39 favorites]
i mean, it's nice to have a tripsitter, but maybe one of *his* friends. are you sure you're not thinking of a 'chaperone'?
also...so what if it is about the drugs? enjoy yourself self. go crazy.
but i really think it's the 'set and setting' that makes it a good experience. i sympathize with him: he found his people. shrug.
posted by j_curiouser at 8:24 AM on December 5, 2020 [7 favorites]
also...so what if it is about the drugs? enjoy yourself self. go crazy.
but i really think it's the 'set and setting' that makes it a good experience. i sympathize with him: he found his people. shrug.
posted by j_curiouser at 8:24 AM on December 5, 2020 [7 favorites]
Think about if you would like to be taking care of a very disabled old man soon( or attending his funeral, if this Burning Man trip does not work out as he would like. Sending a friend would be useless, He will not listen to them or stop his drug use. This may be a relationship to get out of, now while it is new. This guy seems determined to self-destruct regardless of your love for him. Plus we may still be in the grip of Covid when Burning Man happens. He is already in the danger age zone for that, plus having previous health issues.
posted by mermayd at 8:27 AM on December 5, 2020 [28 favorites]
posted by mermayd at 8:27 AM on December 5, 2020 [28 favorites]
I can relate to your boyfriend - I've been once and talk about it a lot with my partner. But my partner gets excited by my enthusiasm and is interested in going with me if/when there is another BM. Echoing others that this might be an incompatibility between you two.
Re sending your friend: does your friend want to go with your boyfriend? Or are you sending your friend to babysit your boyfriend/prevent him from using drugs? The latter seems problematic, as his drug use is not yours to change/fix.
posted by Robocat at 8:42 AM on December 5, 2020 [4 favorites]
Re sending your friend: does your friend want to go with your boyfriend? Or are you sending your friend to babysit your boyfriend/prevent him from using drugs? The latter seems problematic, as his drug use is not yours to change/fix.
posted by Robocat at 8:42 AM on December 5, 2020 [4 favorites]
I was going to respond that, yeah, people get obsessed for the first few years, then they mellow out. But then I reread and saw he was 64. Most of the burners I know are on the older side, but they are usually focused on the more civic/cultural aspects of Burning Man at that age as well as the party. Some do drugs, but usually have matured about responsibility at that age in general.
It absolutely can be a life changing experience, and that is one of my favorite things about the event, but at that age, I would expect their life to be a bit more balanced in general. Burning Man seems to be a symptom here, not the cause. This sounds like it might not be a good fit in terms of life choices.
posted by Vaike at 8:42 AM on December 5, 2020 [11 favorites]
It absolutely can be a life changing experience, and that is one of my favorite things about the event, but at that age, I would expect their life to be a bit more balanced in general. Burning Man seems to be a symptom here, not the cause. This sounds like it might not be a good fit in terms of life choices.
posted by Vaike at 8:42 AM on December 5, 2020 [11 favorites]
If you don't enjoy something sober, or fear that you won't, is that just an excuse to do drugs?
In my opinion, yes.
Just one person's opinion, here: If you take burning man out of it entirely–and if he was telling you that he was looking forward to a party that would involve doing the exact same drugs (amount and type) that he would at burning man, would it still bother you? Then it's really not about burning man at all (for him, possibly, but also *for you*). It's not about an "experience" or an event. It's about the drugs. And it sounds like you have reason to be concerned, beyond the everyday reasons to be concerned about drug use. I would ask myself if I want this kind of situation in my life–even if it was only for a weekend each year. Especially since it has become part of his overall personality and even if he isn't doing drugs most of the time, he is embracing it's use via identifying so personally with the event. (And this seems unlikely to change, because people tend to outgrow this kind of thing in their twenties/thirties).
posted by marimeko at 8:57 AM on December 5, 2020 [7 favorites]
In my opinion, yes.
Just one person's opinion, here: If you take burning man out of it entirely–and if he was telling you that he was looking forward to a party that would involve doing the exact same drugs (amount and type) that he would at burning man, would it still bother you? Then it's really not about burning man at all (for him, possibly, but also *for you*). It's not about an "experience" or an event. It's about the drugs. And it sounds like you have reason to be concerned, beyond the everyday reasons to be concerned about drug use. I would ask myself if I want this kind of situation in my life–even if it was only for a weekend each year. Especially since it has become part of his overall personality and even if he isn't doing drugs most of the time, he is embracing it's use via identifying so personally with the event. (And this seems unlikely to change, because people tend to outgrow this kind of thing in their twenties/thirties).
posted by marimeko at 8:57 AM on December 5, 2020 [7 favorites]
Personally I would not want to date a person who has, as a "big part of his identity", attending an event that involves a non-negotiable LOTS of drugs. I'm not blanket anti-drugs, and I may feel differently if it really was just weed and the rare hallucinogen, but your partners behaviour as described would be a deal breaker for me. I don't want to date somebody whose idea of a really good time is lots of drugs.
You're not a jerk if you feel that way, but it will be a difficult one to resolve whilst staying together. Especially since he seems to have no interest in compromise on the subject, even considering his stroke risk.
posted by stillnocturnal at 9:01 AM on December 5, 2020 [10 favorites]
You're not a jerk if you feel that way, but it will be a difficult one to resolve whilst staying together. Especially since he seems to have no interest in compromise on the subject, even considering his stroke risk.
posted by stillnocturnal at 9:01 AM on December 5, 2020 [10 favorites]
I don't think you're being a jerk at all, but I'm also not sure you're being reasonable. I think that, to some extent, this comes down to how much of a commitment the two of you have to each other. If you're permanent, and you both understand your relationship to be permanent, then he owes you some consideration on this issue. You're committed to each other, and you're going to be changing his diapers if he has another stroke and is incapacitated. He's making decisions that affect your future, and he should take your wishes into account. But if the two of you haven't made that kind of commitment, then I'm not sure you can make demands on him. He is a grownup, and he gets to make his own dumb decisions. And you get to decide if you want to be with someone who makes those dumb decisions. You can also decide that you're having fun now, but he's not someone who you see as a life partner, because he's kind of reckless about things that really matter.
I do not think you should send someone to babysit him: it's not your job to take care of him and save him from his own dumb behavior. And I don't think this is about Burning Man. It's just about the drugs. It's ok not to want to date someone who does a lot of drugs.
posted by ArbitraryAndCapricious at 9:06 AM on December 5, 2020 [29 favorites]
I do not think you should send someone to babysit him: it's not your job to take care of him and save him from his own dumb behavior. And I don't think this is about Burning Man. It's just about the drugs. It's ok not to want to date someone who does a lot of drugs.
posted by ArbitraryAndCapricious at 9:06 AM on December 5, 2020 [29 favorites]
As far as I'm concerned, Burning Man is "traveling" - to a foreign city in a parallel universe/another dimension that only exists for one week a year. You'd go to Paris but not Black Rock City? It IS a city, and the part of the event few talk about is how there is a full-on conference going on during the day: speakers, lectures, panels, workshops, trainings, skill shares. All on a VAST range of topics. And there are cafes, restaurants, bars, and shops (all in the gift economy, no money changing hands). There are plenty of people who get up at 7am for an exercise class, spend the day in the city with maybe a bike ride out to the playa for a sculpture tour, and are in bed by 9:30pm after a dinner party with their friends -- all completely sober. My first year I had nothing more than a drink or two here and there, the same amount I would drink on any vacation, no drugs at all, and had an AMAZING time. I loved it so so much. I highly encourage you to go at least once. It's not what you think.
As for the drugs, in "How to Change Your Mind," Michael Pollan recounts asking his cardiologist if he could do psychedelics safely since he was 60 years old and had been diagnosed with atrial fibrillation, high blood pressure, and an increased risk of stroke. His cardiologist "gave him the green light" to take LSD, psilocybin, DMT, and ayuhuasca, but told him to avoid taking MDMA (aka "molly" or "ecstasy") since it's a stimulant.
Your partner could ask their own doctor for advice.
posted by amaire at 9:09 AM on December 5, 2020 [44 favorites]
As for the drugs, in "How to Change Your Mind," Michael Pollan recounts asking his cardiologist if he could do psychedelics safely since he was 60 years old and had been diagnosed with atrial fibrillation, high blood pressure, and an increased risk of stroke. His cardiologist "gave him the green light" to take LSD, psilocybin, DMT, and ayuhuasca, but told him to avoid taking MDMA (aka "molly" or "ecstasy") since it's a stimulant.
Your partner could ask their own doctor for advice.
posted by amaire at 9:09 AM on December 5, 2020 [44 favorites]
I don’t know if your experience with medically prescribed ketamine is necessarily a good comparison to tripping at Burning Man. And you say your boyfriend does “a LOT”, but all that tells me is that it’s more than you are comfortable with.
I wonder if my playa drug use would be “a LOT” for you, or if there is anything you would call “reasonable levels”. But even if there is, you can’t control what someone else puts in their body, especially when they’re hundreds of miles away and off grid.
I’m not within 2 decades of your boyfriend’s age and I don’t have his level of health risk, but I’m trying to put myself in his position, of being told I’m too old or too fragile to do drugs anymore, before I’ve made that decision for myself. It’s not going well.
With or without going to burning man, your boyfriend might have a debilitating stoke. You’re worried “the drugs” might cause it. Your boyfriend wasn’t on “the drugs” the last time he had a stroke, but probably wants to visit the (mental) place of transcendent euphoria again in his life.
This might be a point of incompatibility for you.
posted by itesser at 9:12 AM on December 5, 2020 [2 favorites]
I wonder if my playa drug use would be “a LOT” for you, or if there is anything you would call “reasonable levels”. But even if there is, you can’t control what someone else puts in their body, especially when they’re hundreds of miles away and off grid.
I’m not within 2 decades of your boyfriend’s age and I don’t have his level of health risk, but I’m trying to put myself in his position, of being told I’m too old or too fragile to do drugs anymore, before I’ve made that decision for myself. It’s not going well.
With or without going to burning man, your boyfriend might have a debilitating stoke. You’re worried “the drugs” might cause it. Your boyfriend wasn’t on “the drugs” the last time he had a stroke, but probably wants to visit the (mental) place of transcendent euphoria again in his life.
This might be a point of incompatibility for you.
posted by itesser at 9:12 AM on December 5, 2020 [2 favorites]
It feels like the actual legitimate concern/incompatibility here is that you don't want your boyfriend doing drugs.
Whether or not you think Burning Man is stupid is kind of beside the point. It feels like the legitimate concern is getting all wrapped up in your disdain for Burning Man and how dumb you think it is and how irritated you are that your boyfriend is obsessed with it.
posted by geegollygosh at 9:18 AM on December 5, 2020 [1 favorite]
Whether or not you think Burning Man is stupid is kind of beside the point. It feels like the legitimate concern is getting all wrapped up in your disdain for Burning Man and how dumb you think it is and how irritated you are that your boyfriend is obsessed with it.
posted by geegollygosh at 9:18 AM on December 5, 2020 [1 favorite]
Your business: if he is annoying when he obsesses about Burning Man when he's with you.
Not your business: if he has a great time there in a way that you find unappealing.
I know it feels like his stroke history has given you a virtuous reason to disapprove of his BM drug use, but that is between him and his doctor.
Now if you simply disapprove of psychedelics because you don't like drugs, that's fine but it's a compatibility issue and not one where he's bad and you're good and you get to harangue him.
I don't understand sending your friend. Are you doing that so your friend can keep an eye on him and report back to you? Guy is 64, he should have his own friends.
(I would not date a burner because oh my god so annoying. I 100% get that the whole event is a much-needed relief from Real Life, including the psychedelics and the nakedness and all that, it's just that I need adults to understand that it's a special escape to enjoy in situ, not a philosophy to babble on about the rest of the time.)
posted by fingersandtoes at 9:19 AM on December 5, 2020 [30 favorites]
Not your business: if he has a great time there in a way that you find unappealing.
I know it feels like his stroke history has given you a virtuous reason to disapprove of his BM drug use, but that is between him and his doctor.
Now if you simply disapprove of psychedelics because you don't like drugs, that's fine but it's a compatibility issue and not one where he's bad and you're good and you get to harangue him.
I don't understand sending your friend. Are you doing that so your friend can keep an eye on him and report back to you? Guy is 64, he should have his own friends.
(I would not date a burner because oh my god so annoying. I 100% get that the whole event is a much-needed relief from Real Life, including the psychedelics and the nakedness and all that, it's just that I need adults to understand that it's a special escape to enjoy in situ, not a philosophy to babble on about the rest of the time.)
posted by fingersandtoes at 9:19 AM on December 5, 2020 [30 favorites]
If someone wants to go to BM and do a bunch of drugs and let loose and have mind blowing experiences, that is totally up to them. You have to decide if you want to be with a 64 year old who has had two strokes and wants to do a bunch of drugs. that is totally up to you. The two of you have different ideas about acceptable risk. (I don’t blame you. Or him. ) But as everyone above has said - you can’t change someone else’s behavior.
posted by gt2 at 9:28 AM on December 5, 2020 [11 favorites]
posted by gt2 at 9:28 AM on December 5, 2020 [11 favorites]
Lots of people have already weighed in on the drug us part, but I'm still kind of hung up on this: My new beau is a self proclaimed "Burner" he talks about it all of the time. Apparently his ex girlfriend took him a few years ago and now he seems to have made it a big part of his personality.
Your new beau sounds incredibly tedious. Sure, talking about a thing you think is cool with someone else who is interested is all well and good, and listening to a partner's pet topics to some extent is part of a healthy relationship, but how much is he actually blathering on about his "burner" experiences to you? And at this point am I right in understanding he actually hasn't been in a few years but he's still going on and on to an uninterested party (you)? Because if he does go next time - drugs or no - do you really want to be listening to his latest adventures for however long that's going to supercharge this obsession?
Obviously your question is targeted to this particular issue so we don't have a big picture of your relationship here, but I think it's worth considering how much you're actually enjoying your time with this person. It's possible the drug thing is a red herring. It's okay to lose interest in someone who is only concerned about what they find interesting.
posted by DingoMutt at 9:36 AM on December 5, 2020 [25 favorites]
Your new beau sounds incredibly tedious. Sure, talking about a thing you think is cool with someone else who is interested is all well and good, and listening to a partner's pet topics to some extent is part of a healthy relationship, but how much is he actually blathering on about his "burner" experiences to you? And at this point am I right in understanding he actually hasn't been in a few years but he's still going on and on to an uninterested party (you)? Because if he does go next time - drugs or no - do you really want to be listening to his latest adventures for however long that's going to supercharge this obsession?
Obviously your question is targeted to this particular issue so we don't have a big picture of your relationship here, but I think it's worth considering how much you're actually enjoying your time with this person. It's possible the drug thing is a red herring. It's okay to lose interest in someone who is only concerned about what they find interesting.
posted by DingoMutt at 9:36 AM on December 5, 2020 [25 favorites]
But, he does a LOT of drugs there, and I told him that I didn't think after the strokes he should do drugs again.Not weighing in on any other part of this situation, but it's worth considering that "drugs" are not really a coherent category for talking about stroke risk. MDMA does increase stroke risk, but to my knowledge, LSD/psychlobin mushrooms/marijuana don't. It's worth thinking about whether your concern is about the stroke risk (something you can research and negotiate), or just about the fact that he does drugs (an incompatibility that sounds pretty fundamental).
posted by wesleyac at 9:45 AM on December 5, 2020 [7 favorites]
Does he do a ton of drugs the rest of the year without Burning Man? Just wondering if he's a regular user or if this is an excuse to get totally wasted. (Also, kinda odd to have this question when BM didn't go on IRL this year....) Like, I have a friend who worked at Burning Man for years and she is not that obsessive, and even her husband who is more into it than she is isn't that obsessive. There's more to the place than just an excuse to get SUPER HIGH, MAN....and my vibe from your question is the getting high is what he cares about.
I think this sounds like a question of drugs more than Burning Man. I think it's entirely reasonable for you to be concerned that he may incapacitate himself on drugs (though it might be good to check with a doctor there). But since he sounds hellbent on doing them anyway to the point where you are at total stalemate, this may end up being a breakup issue.
posted by jenfullmoon at 9:48 AM on December 5, 2020 [2 favorites]
I think this sounds like a question of drugs more than Burning Man. I think it's entirely reasonable for you to be concerned that he may incapacitate himself on drugs (though it might be good to check with a doctor there). But since he sounds hellbent on doing them anyway to the point where you are at total stalemate, this may end up being a breakup issue.
posted by jenfullmoon at 9:48 AM on December 5, 2020 [2 favorites]
My position on these kinds of conflicts is that you can like it or not like it and you can choose to stay with them or not stay with them if their interests and values don't sync up enough with yours, but you can't tell someone what to do - especially when they're pretty determined to do something else.
You can state your objections, I think the limit on the times you do so is one time - or maybe twice if it's an initial blanket statement, then gathering your thoughts for a second more articulate conversation. And you can issue an ultimatum if you choose to, but understand that is not a tool of manipulation - you need to mean for real that you will disengage if your condition is not met and you feel there is at least an even chance that it will not be so this isn't just a thought exercise.
You can also compromise if that's a possibility, but I don't even know where to say the appropriate line there is. From a relationship and health/safety standpoint, you may have some strong boundaries on monogamy or at least fluid-bonding to discuss. The drugs aren't really the same thing as it doesn't directly affect you unless it kills or harms him, which you can express concern about, but that's really kind of a core value situation - those are his values, they are different from yours. Will you leave him if they diverge enough? If so say so, if not then stop making it a point of contention and live with it.
Which is to say, if you don't want to be with someone whose primary identity is Burner and wants to go do a lot of drugs in the desert, don't be with them. That's the choice you get in this. I wouldn't, a lot of people wouldn't for various reasons, but some people would and maybe your boyfriend would be happier with them instead.
I think it's always a not-great sign when your partner cannot possibly fathom that you have any kind of objection to something they want to do as if that thing could not possibly be objectionable in any way. There is no such thing, it is possible for values and concerns to misalign on literally anything and one of the jobs of a relationship is to be prepared to undertake that work in good faith and hoping for an acceptable outcome for everyone.
I think it's also possible that he doesn't want to think of himself as someone with "old people" health issues and he's just super-defensive because it's been pointed out and it's threatening to his identity and it's easiest to blame the messenger. Either that will pass and he'll be able to have a more nuanced conversation about your concerns or it won't and he won't, and you'll have to decide what you want to do about that.
posted by Lyn Never at 10:05 AM on December 5, 2020 [11 favorites]
You can state your objections, I think the limit on the times you do so is one time - or maybe twice if it's an initial blanket statement, then gathering your thoughts for a second more articulate conversation. And you can issue an ultimatum if you choose to, but understand that is not a tool of manipulation - you need to mean for real that you will disengage if your condition is not met and you feel there is at least an even chance that it will not be so this isn't just a thought exercise.
You can also compromise if that's a possibility, but I don't even know where to say the appropriate line there is. From a relationship and health/safety standpoint, you may have some strong boundaries on monogamy or at least fluid-bonding to discuss. The drugs aren't really the same thing as it doesn't directly affect you unless it kills or harms him, which you can express concern about, but that's really kind of a core value situation - those are his values, they are different from yours. Will you leave him if they diverge enough? If so say so, if not then stop making it a point of contention and live with it.
Which is to say, if you don't want to be with someone whose primary identity is Burner and wants to go do a lot of drugs in the desert, don't be with them. That's the choice you get in this. I wouldn't, a lot of people wouldn't for various reasons, but some people would and maybe your boyfriend would be happier with them instead.
I think it's always a not-great sign when your partner cannot possibly fathom that you have any kind of objection to something they want to do as if that thing could not possibly be objectionable in any way. There is no such thing, it is possible for values and concerns to misalign on literally anything and one of the jobs of a relationship is to be prepared to undertake that work in good faith and hoping for an acceptable outcome for everyone.
I think it's also possible that he doesn't want to think of himself as someone with "old people" health issues and he's just super-defensive because it's been pointed out and it's threatening to his identity and it's easiest to blame the messenger. Either that will pass and he'll be able to have a more nuanced conversation about your concerns or it won't and he won't, and you'll have to decide what you want to do about that.
posted by Lyn Never at 10:05 AM on December 5, 2020 [11 favorites]
The issue isn't really Burning Man, it's your concern about his safety/long term health in light of drug use. It sounds like he knows that doing hard drugs isn't a great plan and the uniqueness of the experience is his excuse for being able to do those things, if it was just about the event itself, well...there are also people who go there and enjoy it sober or just drink socially.
I have a couple friends who are big into that scene and they don't do hard drugs at Burning Man, though they do use hallucinogens from time to time at home. In fact the husband in the couple is a licensed psychiatrist and for a couple of years he volunteered as a medical provider at Burning Man to help people who were going through mental health crises there, drug induced or otherwise, so like mental health first aid. So he was sober most of the time obviously, and he still told me he really enjoyed being at the event.
Personally this situation would make me too anxious to continue with the relationship because of my own codependent tendencies: I would worry about what he's doing when he's out there, I would be anxious imagining some kind of emergency happening, I would be anxious about him lying about his drug use, minimizing, hiding things, etc. Your desire to send someone with him to "make sure he's safe" is exactly the kind of thing my codependent brain would want me to do in this situation, and chances are he is not going to take advice from a friend of yours, or any sober chaperone. He's still going to do whatever he wants.
Also...if he does disable himself by using hard drugs, are you prepared to take care of him? Does he expect you to organize his medical care or rehabilitation, if, for example, he has another stroke, or blacks out and falls and gives himself a head injury that has consequences for his ability to function and take care of himself? It's ok to say that you are not willing to take on that risk or burden, it's too much for you, and walk away from this relationship.
So that's my two cents, imagining being you in this situation.
posted by zdravo at 10:22 AM on December 5, 2020 [7 favorites]
I have a couple friends who are big into that scene and they don't do hard drugs at Burning Man, though they do use hallucinogens from time to time at home. In fact the husband in the couple is a licensed psychiatrist and for a couple of years he volunteered as a medical provider at Burning Man to help people who were going through mental health crises there, drug induced or otherwise, so like mental health first aid. So he was sober most of the time obviously, and he still told me he really enjoyed being at the event.
Personally this situation would make me too anxious to continue with the relationship because of my own codependent tendencies: I would worry about what he's doing when he's out there, I would be anxious imagining some kind of emergency happening, I would be anxious about him lying about his drug use, minimizing, hiding things, etc. Your desire to send someone with him to "make sure he's safe" is exactly the kind of thing my codependent brain would want me to do in this situation, and chances are he is not going to take advice from a friend of yours, or any sober chaperone. He's still going to do whatever he wants.
Also...if he does disable himself by using hard drugs, are you prepared to take care of him? Does he expect you to organize his medical care or rehabilitation, if, for example, he has another stroke, or blacks out and falls and gives himself a head injury that has consequences for his ability to function and take care of himself? It's ok to say that you are not willing to take on that risk or burden, it's too much for you, and walk away from this relationship.
So that's my two cents, imagining being you in this situation.
posted by zdravo at 10:22 AM on December 5, 2020 [7 favorites]
Your life is being affected by someone else's drug use, so you might find Al-Anon helpful. (For context, my life is affected by someone's drug use, so I do find it helpful.)
If you attend a meeting (now online; here's a directory) you may come to understand Al-Anon's 3 C's: I didn't cause it; I can't control it; I can't cure it.
This would be a total relationship-ender for me, but hey that's me and I'm not you. Good luck.
posted by BlahLaLa at 10:23 AM on December 5, 2020 [8 favorites]
If you attend a meeting (now online; here's a directory) you may come to understand Al-Anon's 3 C's: I didn't cause it; I can't control it; I can't cure it.
This would be a total relationship-ender for me, but hey that's me and I'm not you. Good luck.
posted by BlahLaLa at 10:23 AM on December 5, 2020 [8 favorites]
Some people seem to think you're being an anti-drug anti-fun scold. So let me tell you: I have done my share of drugs and I still think this guy sounds like a tedious irritating bore.
posted by showbiz_liz at 10:28 AM on December 5, 2020 [41 favorites]
posted by showbiz_liz at 10:28 AM on December 5, 2020 [41 favorites]
My new beau is a self proclaimed "Burner" he talks about it all of the time.
Yeah to me this is like any other thing that people can get obsessive over. For me it was guys who were Deadheads. They were just, as DingoMutt has said, super tedious. You can definitely have an amazing Burning Man experience without drugs (I've done it a few times) and the experience of why people go is really all over the map, though there is a sort of general "come and let loose, do drugs and don't let people tell you what to do" vibe. I worked at the reference desk, the event takes all kinds.
But it sounds like a thing where your new bf wants to go to Burning Man, without you (because you'd prefer not to, which is fine) and do a lot of stuff you consider risky and not-okay. Which is more about the not-okayness than Burning Man generally except that Burning Man comes with a built in community of people who share a view of this sort of thing.
I can't imagine why you'd send a friend with him, that sounds odd. And this is an event that is nine months off that you can't even talk about. If it were me, I'd say this is a fundamental incompatiibility. Burning Man is not like taking ketamine because there are thousands of other people having parallel experiences that really make it what it is (same with Dead shows) If he's not willing to have a reasonable conversation with you, or you're not okay with this being some fundamental part of his identity (Burning Man + drugs + that community) you are at an impasse.
posted by jessamyn at 10:32 AM on December 5, 2020 [8 favorites]
Yeah to me this is like any other thing that people can get obsessive over. For me it was guys who were Deadheads. They were just, as DingoMutt has said, super tedious. You can definitely have an amazing Burning Man experience without drugs (I've done it a few times) and the experience of why people go is really all over the map, though there is a sort of general "come and let loose, do drugs and don't let people tell you what to do" vibe. I worked at the reference desk, the event takes all kinds.
But it sounds like a thing where your new bf wants to go to Burning Man, without you (because you'd prefer not to, which is fine) and do a lot of stuff you consider risky and not-okay. Which is more about the not-okayness than Burning Man generally except that Burning Man comes with a built in community of people who share a view of this sort of thing.
I can't imagine why you'd send a friend with him, that sounds odd. And this is an event that is nine months off that you can't even talk about. If it were me, I'd say this is a fundamental incompatiibility. Burning Man is not like taking ketamine because there are thousands of other people having parallel experiences that really make it what it is (same with Dead shows) If he's not willing to have a reasonable conversation with you, or you're not okay with this being some fundamental part of his identity (Burning Man + drugs + that community) you are at an impasse.
posted by jessamyn at 10:32 AM on December 5, 2020 [8 favorites]
The drugs aside, I would find it absolutely insufferable to be around someone who has made a festival a big part of their identity and who 'pontificates' about it. I would break up with the guy for that alone, without the drug use.
posted by thereader at 10:48 AM on December 5, 2020 [18 favorites]
posted by thereader at 10:48 AM on December 5, 2020 [18 favorites]
It just doesn't sound like you two are compatible. You don't have to assign value judgments to your feelings or his behaviors to recognize that this might just not be a good match. Incompatibility like this usually indicates that a breakup is probably the best course of action. It doesn't have to mean that anyone is a jerk.
posted by k8lin at 11:06 AM on December 5, 2020 [5 favorites]
posted by k8lin at 11:06 AM on December 5, 2020 [5 favorites]
So I’m about your boyfriend’s age with health challenges of my own, and I’ve got to wonder if part of his obsession is related to grief over his lost youth and health. Processing this kind of loss is super hard, the US is ageist and ableist as fuck, and people can look for things that make them regain at least some feeling of the life they used to have. Everything I know about burning man is from an exhibit at an art museum in the Bay Area (which was awesome), but I wonder if he got some acceptance there he doesn’t get elsewhere. And I wonder too if it may be better for him to accept some risk doing something he really loves rather than to accept limitations. US culture is also weird about risk, with some people praised for doing something meaningful but dangerous and others vilified, especially if they’re old.
If my armchair psychologizing has some truth in it, that doesn’t mean you have to be ok with his decisions, and this may indeed be the place where you need to walk. I’ll add my name to the list of people who don’t get why he’d go with your friend rather than a friend of his own. If he doesn’t have friends, that seems like a red flag.
posted by FencingGal at 11:10 AM on December 5, 2020 [14 favorites]
If my armchair psychologizing has some truth in it, that doesn’t mean you have to be ok with his decisions, and this may indeed be the place where you need to walk. I’ll add my name to the list of people who don’t get why he’d go with your friend rather than a friend of his own. If he doesn’t have friends, that seems like a red flag.
posted by FencingGal at 11:10 AM on December 5, 2020 [14 favorites]
Approaching this without the stigma of drugs, or the trendy festival distaste. What if this was, say, scuba diving in Madagascar?
If your actual concern is 'you could die out there, or become catastrophically disabled'; not just 'this seems like a frivolous risk, you're not 25 anymore', then work on it that way.
I don't know what the friend / buddy / chaperone thing is. People have all kinds of friendships, so who knows. But are you sending them as a proxy? Not because you don't like getting alkali dust in your...everywhere; but because you're not willing to be the one who has to handle him getting medivac'd from rural Nevada? And/or so you have an out, in case this is how he loses function on his left side? Or dies there? I don't have a friend I would put that on.
So maybe instead of go vs not-go, 'I want this experience' vs. 'I think it's stupid and dangerous' arguments, which will just make you both angry and dig in...
Cover the practicalities. Inspect your parachutes.
'Okay honey, if you want to do this, let's make your funeral plans first.' I don't mean go out and buy a casket, but maybe work through your own concerns about what this puts on you, and show him another perspective. Does someone have his power of attorney? Advanced medical directives?
Okay sweetie, so you go do this thing, and you die there. Can you write a letter for me that I can give to your grieving kids? Because I'm the one they'll come to for explanations. No, don't tell me here over the kitchen table. Write it down for them, they'll need to hear it from you. And maybe I'll need an envelope with my name on it too, okay?
Or use this to examine your own boundaries, and level of commitment. Talk to him about 'not being in a place in your relationship' where you're going to be spoon feeding him, or wiping his behind. That you're not going to be one of those 'someone has to do it, so I guess this is my life now' women.
(If that's the case. Or if you know that yet. But maybe this is the kind of conversation you two need to have. Find out some things about yourselves. It might get ugly. But not as ugly as Surprise! Motorized wheelchair! does.)
Besides that growth, maybe it'll just kill the mood for him, having to actually make concrete preparations in advance for a real-life 'if it's the last thing I do'.
posted by bartleby at 11:54 AM on December 5, 2020 [2 favorites]
If your actual concern is 'you could die out there, or become catastrophically disabled'; not just 'this seems like a frivolous risk, you're not 25 anymore', then work on it that way.
I don't know what the friend / buddy / chaperone thing is. People have all kinds of friendships, so who knows. But are you sending them as a proxy? Not because you don't like getting alkali dust in your...everywhere; but because you're not willing to be the one who has to handle him getting medivac'd from rural Nevada? And/or so you have an out, in case this is how he loses function on his left side? Or dies there? I don't have a friend I would put that on.
So maybe instead of go vs not-go, 'I want this experience' vs. 'I think it's stupid and dangerous' arguments, which will just make you both angry and dig in...
Cover the practicalities. Inspect your parachutes.
'Okay honey, if you want to do this, let's make your funeral plans first.' I don't mean go out and buy a casket, but maybe work through your own concerns about what this puts on you, and show him another perspective. Does someone have his power of attorney? Advanced medical directives?
Okay sweetie, so you go do this thing, and you die there. Can you write a letter for me that I can give to your grieving kids? Because I'm the one they'll come to for explanations. No, don't tell me here over the kitchen table. Write it down for them, they'll need to hear it from you. And maybe I'll need an envelope with my name on it too, okay?
Or use this to examine your own boundaries, and level of commitment. Talk to him about 'not being in a place in your relationship' where you're going to be spoon feeding him, or wiping his behind. That you're not going to be one of those 'someone has to do it, so I guess this is my life now' women.
(If that's the case. Or if you know that yet. But maybe this is the kind of conversation you two need to have. Find out some things about yourselves. It might get ugly. But not as ugly as Surprise! Motorized wheelchair! does.)
Besides that growth, maybe it'll just kill the mood for him, having to actually make concrete preparations in advance for a real-life 'if it's the last thing I do'.
posted by bartleby at 11:54 AM on December 5, 2020 [2 favorites]
Your business: if he is annoying when he obsesses about Burning Man when he's with you.
Not your business: if he has a great time there in a way that you find unappealing.
This. I don't think you are a jerk at all for finding this guy annoying and wanting him to shut up about this hobby/obsession when you are together. But, trying to control another adult's behaviour, whether it is drug use or anything else, is probably going to be frustrating and futile. You're taking on responsibility that isn't yours and that you are not going to be able to meet.
It could be that the two of you are not a good match and you might want to move on from the relationship and find someone who does not trigger your anxieties so much. Plenty of people are turned off by drug use and don't want to be in a relationship with someone who makes that a part of their life. However, if you do want to keep things going, it would probably be a good idea to agree that the subject of Burning Man is a no-go area between you.
posted by rpfields at 11:58 AM on December 5, 2020 [1 favorite]
Not your business: if he has a great time there in a way that you find unappealing.
This. I don't think you are a jerk at all for finding this guy annoying and wanting him to shut up about this hobby/obsession when you are together. But, trying to control another adult's behaviour, whether it is drug use or anything else, is probably going to be frustrating and futile. You're taking on responsibility that isn't yours and that you are not going to be able to meet.
It could be that the two of you are not a good match and you might want to move on from the relationship and find someone who does not trigger your anxieties so much. Plenty of people are turned off by drug use and don't want to be in a relationship with someone who makes that a part of their life. However, if you do want to keep things going, it would probably be a good idea to agree that the subject of Burning Man is a no-go area between you.
posted by rpfields at 11:58 AM on December 5, 2020 [1 favorite]
I agree with you that he may be putting himself in danger, depending on what he takes and how much.
But, seconding everyone else here who says that whatever he decides to do, there's really no way you can stop him.
You can tell him how you feel and give your advice, but what he does is up to him. Then what you do about *that* is up to you.
Then I went back to your question and read this:
I'm literally not allowed to say "Burning Man" right now because the fight got so bad.
This doesn't seem like the healthiest way of shutting down a fight. Do you often forbid each other to do/say things?
posted by Pallas Athena at 12:13 PM on December 5, 2020 [1 favorite]
But, seconding everyone else here who says that whatever he decides to do, there's really no way you can stop him.
You can tell him how you feel and give your advice, but what he does is up to him. Then what you do about *that* is up to you.
Then I went back to your question and read this:
I'm literally not allowed to say "Burning Man" right now because the fight got so bad.
This doesn't seem like the healthiest way of shutting down a fight. Do you often forbid each other to do/say things?
posted by Pallas Athena at 12:13 PM on December 5, 2020 [1 favorite]
Let him go, he's 64 and can handle his shit.
posted by stinkfoot at 12:19 PM on December 5, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by stinkfoot at 12:19 PM on December 5, 2020 [1 favorite]
>I'm literally not allowed to say "Burning Man" right now
Well this surely reads as if Tedious Ted is in charge. But it's a GREAT WAY to get him to shut the fuck up about Burning Man -- neither of you are to speak about it. At all. And he can go, without a babysitter, and do what he wants. And shut the fuck up about it when he's back, too.
You don't live together, right? Then his stroke is somebody else's problem. It really is his business ... but also his responsibility.
Personally, I'd DTMFA regardless, because I can't imagine anyone this self-absorbed is an even halfway decent lay.
posted by cyndigo at 1:07 PM on December 5, 2020 [11 favorites]
Well this surely reads as if Tedious Ted is in charge. But it's a GREAT WAY to get him to shut the fuck up about Burning Man -- neither of you are to speak about it. At all. And he can go, without a babysitter, and do what he wants. And shut the fuck up about it when he's back, too.
You don't live together, right? Then his stroke is somebody else's problem. It really is his business ... but also his responsibility.
Personally, I'd DTMFA regardless, because I can't imagine anyone this self-absorbed is an even halfway decent lay.
posted by cyndigo at 1:07 PM on December 5, 2020 [11 favorites]
I don't do drugs and probably wouldn't feel comfortable with a partner doing drugs. However, IFF he's ONLY doing them in a specific time and place, that's probably better than doing them just whenever -- you can be fairly sure he's not doing them except in that one place. AND, if it means that much to him, I'd definitely respect that.
As for the medical concerns - he should ask his doctor. If he cares about you, then it's reasonable for him to know and discuss the risks with you.
And if he doesn't have any friends of his own, then asking one of yours to go with him is very sweet.
If it means that much to him, I think it's important to respect that. It's not just an excuse to do drugs -- it would be pretty easy to come up with an easier excuse.
(I can't believe I'm taking this position, but I really am.)
posted by amtho at 1:31 PM on December 5, 2020 [1 favorite]
As for the medical concerns - he should ask his doctor. If he cares about you, then it's reasonable for him to know and discuss the risks with you.
And if he doesn't have any friends of his own, then asking one of yours to go with him is very sweet.
If it means that much to him, I think it's important to respect that. It's not just an excuse to do drugs -- it would be pretty easy to come up with an easier excuse.
(I can't believe I'm taking this position, but I really am.)
posted by amtho at 1:31 PM on December 5, 2020 [1 favorite]
If you were in a longer term relationship and this was a new experience for him, I’d have different advice. But with a new relationship, this seems like a basic incompatibility issue. Also, your take on this strikes me as rather controlling. He’s an adult who is allowed to make poor choices; you are an adult who is allowed to stop dating someone who is obsessed with Burning Man and makes poor choices around it. This isn’t a minor issue. How new is new? I’d advice against continuing to be with someone where there’s this much conflict so early on.
posted by bluedaisy at 1:38 PM on December 5, 2020 [7 favorites]
posted by bluedaisy at 1:38 PM on December 5, 2020 [7 favorites]
a self proclaimed "Burner" he talks about it all of the time. Apparently his ex girlfriend took him a few years ago and now he seems to have made it a big part of his personality.
In the bay area these people are so common it is a trope on dating profiles to say "no burners". You certainly do not need anyone's permission to make it a dealbreaker for you as well. I find the black-rock-is-my-personality thing pretty tedious myself.
posted by bradbane at 2:03 PM on December 5, 2020 [15 favorites]
In the bay area these people are so common it is a trope on dating profiles to say "no burners". You certainly do not need anyone's permission to make it a dealbreaker for you as well. I find the black-rock-is-my-personality thing pretty tedious myself.
posted by bradbane at 2:03 PM on December 5, 2020 [15 favorites]
If you don't enjoy something sober, or fear that you won't, is that just an excuse to do drugs?
Not necessarily, sometimes fun things have multiple conditions that make them fun - for example, something I've been missing during the pandemic is going out dancing. My partner has suggested that I put on loud music and dance at home, but it just wouldn't be the same - to make the dancing truly magical I need the music, and the lights, and a crowd, and some friends, and a few drinks, and a funky outfit. It's the combination of the elements that makes the experience really soar. If he's just looking for an excuse to do drugs, he could surely find an easier, more immediate one. Wanting to go to burning man, he's looking for a specific amazing experience that he can't find anywhere else.
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 2:17 PM on December 5, 2020 [8 favorites]
Not necessarily, sometimes fun things have multiple conditions that make them fun - for example, something I've been missing during the pandemic is going out dancing. My partner has suggested that I put on loud music and dance at home, but it just wouldn't be the same - to make the dancing truly magical I need the music, and the lights, and a crowd, and some friends, and a few drinks, and a funky outfit. It's the combination of the elements that makes the experience really soar. If he's just looking for an excuse to do drugs, he could surely find an easier, more immediate one. Wanting to go to burning man, he's looking for a specific amazing experience that he can't find anywhere else.
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 2:17 PM on December 5, 2020 [8 favorites]
As others have pointed out, it's important to know which drugs he is doing in order to understand stroke risk. For example, many psychedelics do pose an increased risk of stroke, because they raise blood pressure and cause vasospasms. I have had numerous extremely valuable experiences on shrooms, and even I wouldn't take them again if I'd had a stroke, let alone two. Here's a reference that deals specifically with stroke risk: https://www.ecronicon.com/ecpt/si/ECPT-01-SI-07.pdf
Pot apparently increases blood pressure too, and long-term use changes the structure of the heart. Lots of search results for that, I won't link to one.
So, you can use the information you find to gauge how willing you are to be attached to someone who is taking N level of health risk with his drug use. This guy has told you in no uncertain terms who he is and what's important to him. You can choose to accept that or be on your way. What you should not do is stay in a limbo of haranguing, friend-monitoring, and trying to get him to change.
Even if he were to cave in to your pressure and never do drugs or go to/talk about BM again, my prediction is that it would poison your relationship irreparably. Think of the things you love most in the world, or things that are central to your identity. Maybe you don't babble about these things endlessly to anyone who will listen. But would you be able to simply give one of them up, because a mate wanted you to? Would that be a reasonable ask? Even if you caved in, would you feel loved and accepted for who you are?
posted by Flock of Cynthiabirds at 3:15 PM on December 5, 2020 [1 favorite]
Pot apparently increases blood pressure too, and long-term use changes the structure of the heart. Lots of search results for that, I won't link to one.
So, you can use the information you find to gauge how willing you are to be attached to someone who is taking N level of health risk with his drug use. This guy has told you in no uncertain terms who he is and what's important to him. You can choose to accept that or be on your way. What you should not do is stay in a limbo of haranguing, friend-monitoring, and trying to get him to change.
Even if he were to cave in to your pressure and never do drugs or go to/talk about BM again, my prediction is that it would poison your relationship irreparably. Think of the things you love most in the world, or things that are central to your identity. Maybe you don't babble about these things endlessly to anyone who will listen. But would you be able to simply give one of them up, because a mate wanted you to? Would that be a reasonable ask? Even if you caved in, would you feel loved and accepted for who you are?
posted by Flock of Cynthiabirds at 3:15 PM on December 5, 2020 [1 favorite]
I am reminded of a joke. Q: How do you know if someone is a Burner? A: Oh don't worry, they'll tell you.
I am a self-proclaimed Burner and I am probably tedious even without that. But apart from alcohol and caffeine, I don't do drugs at burns or elsewhere. I can't really comment on what drugs might be safe for him to do, although I do know that whatever drug you score off a random stranger is probably meth or laced with meth, regardless of what it is represented to be.
It seems like there are a few threads in this question to tease apart: his age, his health risks, his indulgence in recreational drugs, and his enthusiasm for something you're not enthusiastic about. These issues are kind of entangled with each other.
I do think there's a place for bacchanalian celebrations that our society frowns on, and if a burn is that for some people, I'm more or less OK with that. I also think that if you're going to a burn just to sit in a tent and get high (which some people do), you're really missing the point. I don't know if this is him.
A few people endanger themselves and others when they overindulge at burns. Burning Man is both a good and bad place for this. It's bad because if something goes seriously wrong, you need to be airlifted 100 miles away. It's good because people generally look out for each other, there are medical volunteers who are completely unfazed by drug use, and there is a good field hospital right there on the playa.
I read the book Being Mortal a while back, and it changed my attitudes toward dealing with my elderly parents, who can be stubbornly resistant to taking (what I consider) reasonable steps to ensure their well-being. Boyfriend here is old enough to make his own decisions, and old enough to appreciate his own mortality. Apart from this, I consider his age a non-issue.
None of that really answers the question. If he's got an interest you don't share, great. Each member of a couple should have their own thing. If he's a bore about it, he needs to throttle back. If he's using this purely as an excuse to sit in a tent and get high, good god, why do that in the middle of the Nevada desert?
posted by adamrice at 6:48 PM on December 5, 2020 [9 favorites]
I am a self-proclaimed Burner and I am probably tedious even without that. But apart from alcohol and caffeine, I don't do drugs at burns or elsewhere. I can't really comment on what drugs might be safe for him to do, although I do know that whatever drug you score off a random stranger is probably meth or laced with meth, regardless of what it is represented to be.
It seems like there are a few threads in this question to tease apart: his age, his health risks, his indulgence in recreational drugs, and his enthusiasm for something you're not enthusiastic about. These issues are kind of entangled with each other.
I do think there's a place for bacchanalian celebrations that our society frowns on, and if a burn is that for some people, I'm more or less OK with that. I also think that if you're going to a burn just to sit in a tent and get high (which some people do), you're really missing the point. I don't know if this is him.
A few people endanger themselves and others when they overindulge at burns. Burning Man is both a good and bad place for this. It's bad because if something goes seriously wrong, you need to be airlifted 100 miles away. It's good because people generally look out for each other, there are medical volunteers who are completely unfazed by drug use, and there is a good field hospital right there on the playa.
I read the book Being Mortal a while back, and it changed my attitudes toward dealing with my elderly parents, who can be stubbornly resistant to taking (what I consider) reasonable steps to ensure their well-being. Boyfriend here is old enough to make his own decisions, and old enough to appreciate his own mortality. Apart from this, I consider his age a non-issue.
None of that really answers the question. If he's got an interest you don't share, great. Each member of a couple should have their own thing. If he's a bore about it, he needs to throttle back. If he's using this purely as an excuse to sit in a tent and get high, good god, why do that in the middle of the Nevada desert?
posted by adamrice at 6:48 PM on December 5, 2020 [9 favorites]
How do you know someone is really into Burning Man?
They'll tell you.
There's a reason it's a trope that people put "No Burners" in their dating profiles. This guy sounds like a tedious buffoon who has made an annual no-responsibility drug bender campout into his identity year-round. If you're not into it, he'll either leave you for someone who is, or not leave you and cheat on you with someone who is, while mooching off your goodwill and possibly also your money.
posted by juniperesque at 7:29 PM on December 5, 2020 [5 favorites]
They'll tell you.
There's a reason it's a trope that people put "No Burners" in their dating profiles. This guy sounds like a tedious buffoon who has made an annual no-responsibility drug bender campout into his identity year-round. If you're not into it, he'll either leave you for someone who is, or not leave you and cheat on you with someone who is, while mooching off your goodwill and possibly also your money.
posted by juniperesque at 7:29 PM on December 5, 2020 [5 favorites]
an event that involves a non-negotiable LOTS of drugs
I promise no one at Burning Man is required to do drugs. Lots of people dont. I dont. Burning Man is different things to different people. I think it's a red herring for your valid objection to his drug use. Yes, it can be life changing. But it sounds like you need to figure out if you're ok with dating someone who engages in behavior that you dont approve of, or whether their focus on an event / lifestyle meshes with your own.
posted by ananci at 8:57 PM on December 5, 2020 [5 favorites]
I promise no one at Burning Man is required to do drugs. Lots of people dont. I dont. Burning Man is different things to different people. I think it's a red herring for your valid objection to his drug use. Yes, it can be life changing. But it sounds like you need to figure out if you're ok with dating someone who engages in behavior that you dont approve of, or whether their focus on an event / lifestyle meshes with your own.
posted by ananci at 8:57 PM on December 5, 2020 [5 favorites]
I went to Burning Man in college and didn't do one drug. However, sounds like for him drugs are non-negotiable with you.
posted by jenfullmoon at 7:31 AM on December 6, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by jenfullmoon at 7:31 AM on December 6, 2020 [1 favorite]
I don’t think it is fair to call boyfriend insufferable and an abusive person based on this limited info, but you do use the word “obsession”. Only you can decide if it is tolerable. In my circle there is someone who loooooves trivia to the point of ruining it for others by being either a sore loser or an insufferable winner. Also, a sports obsessed person who cannot be expected to attend any family events on Saturdays because that is when he plays golf….Sometimes you just take the bad with the good, no one is perfect.
As everyone says, if you don’t like someone being so psyched about burning man, that is a compatibility issue. Likewise, if you don’t like dating someone who likes to use drugs recreationally, don’t.
It does seem weird to arrange a buddy to go with him—would he have just gone alone? Is he so medically fragile? Was this a way for you to “let” him go on your terms? Why are you even arguing about it now?
While the claims of loving the guy seem genuine, there seems to be lack of respect for the what the guy likes. Even if you don’t find it appealing, mocking it and dismissing the experience is not very kind. And, no offense, but your anti drug perspective come across as ignorant. It is not clear if he intends to take LSD, weed, cocaine, heroin, meth, etc.. As any reasonable adult must know, these are all different. Of course, you don’t have to like any drug use, but it is your boyfriend’s choice.
Maybe he does like BM because he gets to do drugs. That is why a lot of people like vacations and long weekends—they can get plastered and over-indulge. If you don’t like that, that is cool! You be you!
Lastly, the way you talk about his age issue makes me think you are a bit younger, and, again, there is some ignorance here. If he is not as health oriented as want a partner to be, that goes back to compatibility issues, but I’m wondering if you raise it just to fortify your argument. Most 64 year old people don't need companions to keep them safe, that is ridiculous and insulting.
It seems like a stupid thing to break up over, if you really like the guy. But it is also an opportunity to assess your relationship and it's future state. Good luck
posted by rhonzo at 10:08 AM on December 6, 2020 [1 favorite]
As everyone says, if you don’t like someone being so psyched about burning man, that is a compatibility issue. Likewise, if you don’t like dating someone who likes to use drugs recreationally, don’t.
It does seem weird to arrange a buddy to go with him—would he have just gone alone? Is he so medically fragile? Was this a way for you to “let” him go on your terms? Why are you even arguing about it now?
While the claims of loving the guy seem genuine, there seems to be lack of respect for the what the guy likes. Even if you don’t find it appealing, mocking it and dismissing the experience is not very kind. And, no offense, but your anti drug perspective come across as ignorant. It is not clear if he intends to take LSD, weed, cocaine, heroin, meth, etc.. As any reasonable adult must know, these are all different. Of course, you don’t have to like any drug use, but it is your boyfriend’s choice.
Maybe he does like BM because he gets to do drugs. That is why a lot of people like vacations and long weekends—they can get plastered and over-indulge. If you don’t like that, that is cool! You be you!
Lastly, the way you talk about his age issue makes me think you are a bit younger, and, again, there is some ignorance here. If he is not as health oriented as want a partner to be, that goes back to compatibility issues, but I’m wondering if you raise it just to fortify your argument. Most 64 year old people don't need companions to keep them safe, that is ridiculous and insulting.
It seems like a stupid thing to break up over, if you really like the guy. But it is also an opportunity to assess your relationship and it's future state. Good luck
posted by rhonzo at 10:08 AM on December 6, 2020 [1 favorite]
This would be a basic incompatibility for me. Mostly because I’m not into burner culture. I’d consider continuing the relationship with two caveats: I’m not interested in talking about it with him and I won’t be providing babysitters for him to go with - he can find his own burn friends to go with. I also would hesitate to get very serious with someone who has a serious stroke risk, but who wants to engage in potentially high-risk behavior and then also may expect me to be a caregiver should the consequences be devastating.
posted by quince at 4:47 PM on December 6, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by quince at 4:47 PM on December 6, 2020 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by mekily at 8:03 AM on December 5, 2020 [49 favorites]