What could have happened to our dog and how do I forgive my mom?
November 27, 2020 7:41 PM Subscribe
We live in the country and our 16-year-old chihuahua has disappeared. I blame my mom for losing him. What could have happened to him and how do I forgive her for losing him?
I work in transportation and travel a lot for work. When I came home I noticed our 16-year-old chihuahua was...gone?
I asked my mom about this; she told me "coyotes took him" when she let our dogs outside while she was in the bathroom. She and a neighbour went searching but never found him.
If coyotes did take him, why didn't our other, much larger dogs intervene? Wouldn't coyotes also attack our other dogs, or wouldn't our other dogs have attacked the coyotes?
He was deaf, had poor vision, had recently lost a lot of weight, and had some kind of dementia. Is this a case of he wandered off somewhere to die, like old dogs do?
More importantly, how do I forgive my mom? I have told her for YEARS to WATCH our dogs when they are outside. But like everything else she never listens to me -- and now this?!
I'm so angry with her!
I feel like she might as well killed him herself. How difficult is it to stand outside with them for 10 minutes?!
I really don't know how to deal with all these emotions - and how to forgive my mother for her negligence!
I work in transportation and travel a lot for work. When I came home I noticed our 16-year-old chihuahua was...gone?
I asked my mom about this; she told me "coyotes took him" when she let our dogs outside while she was in the bathroom. She and a neighbour went searching but never found him.
If coyotes did take him, why didn't our other, much larger dogs intervene? Wouldn't coyotes also attack our other dogs, or wouldn't our other dogs have attacked the coyotes?
He was deaf, had poor vision, had recently lost a lot of weight, and had some kind of dementia. Is this a case of he wandered off somewhere to die, like old dogs do?
More importantly, how do I forgive my mom? I have told her for YEARS to WATCH our dogs when they are outside. But like everything else she never listens to me -- and now this?!
I'm so angry with her!
I feel like she might as well killed him herself. How difficult is it to stand outside with them for 10 minutes?!
I really don't know how to deal with all these emotions - and how to forgive my mother for her negligence!
Is there a chance he actually passed away and your mum is lying to protect you? (Personally I’m not sure that taken by coyotes is a gentler letdown but you never know.) How do you get over it...I think you need to give yourself a chance to feel all the feelings. Angry, hurt, grief, all reasonable things to feel. Has your mother apologised and if she hasn’t, maybe explain your feelings and give her a chance to because that may help you forgive in time too. I’m so sorry for your loss.
posted by Jubey at 8:02 PM on November 27, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by Jubey at 8:02 PM on November 27, 2020 [1 favorite]
Just to clarify, your mom is just speculating about the coyotes, right? There's no evidence that's what happened? Is it possible that your dog could still be lost and in need of help?
posted by pinochiette at 8:03 PM on November 27, 2020 [2 favorites]
posted by pinochiette at 8:03 PM on November 27, 2020 [2 favorites]
I'm so sorry for your loss.
My dog was briefly taken by a coyote; very luckily I managed to rout it before my dog was killed so despite pretty bad injuries he survived. Coyotes are very wily at luring their potential prey, which might explain why your other dogs didn't even notice. For example in a local park two coyotes would loiter near a much-used trail in an open field, one coyote near the trail and the other further back. The ranger said in the last month three small dogs had been taken while walking with their owners.
As for forgiving your mom I think you may have to wait a while. People make mistakes and she may be very upset with herself. Be kind to her in honor of your love for your dog.
posted by anadem at 8:09 PM on November 27, 2020 [7 favorites]
My dog was briefly taken by a coyote; very luckily I managed to rout it before my dog was killed so despite pretty bad injuries he survived. Coyotes are very wily at luring their potential prey, which might explain why your other dogs didn't even notice. For example in a local park two coyotes would loiter near a much-used trail in an open field, one coyote near the trail and the other further back. The ranger said in the last month three small dogs had been taken while walking with their owners.
As for forgiving your mom I think you may have to wait a while. People make mistakes and she may be very upset with herself. Be kind to her in honor of your love for your dog.
posted by anadem at 8:09 PM on November 27, 2020 [7 favorites]
I live in coyote country and my mom's friendly but nearly blind and very elderly dog got taken when she had stepped away from the door for literally a minute to get his breakfast ready. It happens very, very quickly. So quickly. The coyote silently took the dog away into the brush and my mom never heard a thing. We think our dog never barked because he couldn't see and perhaps he thought the coyote was just another friendly dog. All we found was tracks in the snow.
Of course, you need to take time to grieve and take care of yourself. And you should give yourself that space.
But please don't go after your mother for this. I'm sure she feels terrible. This could literally happen to anyone, and if it happened on your watch, you'd likely be feeling guilty and helpless. Please allow her some comfort and grace, too, while she does her own grieving.
posted by mochapickle at 8:15 PM on November 27, 2020 [35 favorites]
Of course, you need to take time to grieve and take care of yourself. And you should give yourself that space.
But please don't go after your mother for this. I'm sure she feels terrible. This could literally happen to anyone, and if it happened on your watch, you'd likely be feeling guilty and helpless. Please allow her some comfort and grace, too, while she does her own grieving.
posted by mochapickle at 8:15 PM on November 27, 2020 [35 favorites]
He was deaf, had poor vision, had recently lost a lot of weight, and had some kind of dementia. Is this a case of he wandered off somewhere to die, like old dogs do?
Sounds just like my old dog who I left gnawing some bones at the bottom of the stairs when I had a short nap on the deck. Twenty minutes, that's all. We searched for hours that afternoon then hours the next day and the day after, waiting to see if he floated to the top in the stock dam. We lived on a large property that had hillsides and cool rock crevices and lots of low bush. We didn't have coyotes and we never found one speck of my dog even though he could only walk 50 yards in one go. He'd wandered off to die like old dogs do, and he didn't want to be found.
I've also had hens and cats taken by birds of prey, if that's a possibility in your area.
More importantly, how do I forgive my mom? I have told her for YEARS to WATCH our dogs when they are outside. But like everything else she never listens to me -- and now this?!
This isn't fair and I think you know it. You have been demanding FOR YEARS that your mother do something that is not actually feasible. Why didn't you fence the yard? And what could she really do if something like a coyote did happen, or bird of prey captured it? You are probably feeling guilty that you weren't there, but don't turn it into a grievance against your mother. It doesn't do either of you any good.
posted by Thella at 8:20 PM on November 27, 2020 [51 favorites]
Sounds just like my old dog who I left gnawing some bones at the bottom of the stairs when I had a short nap on the deck. Twenty minutes, that's all. We searched for hours that afternoon then hours the next day and the day after, waiting to see if he floated to the top in the stock dam. We lived on a large property that had hillsides and cool rock crevices and lots of low bush. We didn't have coyotes and we never found one speck of my dog even though he could only walk 50 yards in one go. He'd wandered off to die like old dogs do, and he didn't want to be found.
I've also had hens and cats taken by birds of prey, if that's a possibility in your area.
More importantly, how do I forgive my mom? I have told her for YEARS to WATCH our dogs when they are outside. But like everything else she never listens to me -- and now this?!
This isn't fair and I think you know it. You have been demanding FOR YEARS that your mother do something that is not actually feasible. Why didn't you fence the yard? And what could she really do if something like a coyote did happen, or bird of prey captured it? You are probably feeling guilty that you weren't there, but don't turn it into a grievance against your mother. It doesn't do either of you any good.
posted by Thella at 8:20 PM on November 27, 2020 [51 favorites]
It sounds like you're angry at your mom for more than just the disappearance of your beloved elderly furry friend.
Maybe this is a good time -- since the emotions are actually surfacing-- to explore the ways you feel let down and disappointed by your mom. Sometimes the day to day let's us push things down to deal with later simply for the sake of moving forward. But, it does sound like there have been other significant disappointments you've felt as a response to her behavior.
I'm really sorry about your dog. That's so sad and no matter how it happened, I hope the lil guy's end was quick and as painless as could be. Luckily he had a nice long beloved life. I'm sure he knew that. He was your tiny daemon for goodness sake, I don't blame you for being angry at all.
This is another opportunity to evaluate priorities, responsibilities, and boundaries. It's our job to care adequately for those smaller and weaker than us who are under our custodial view. I don't live in the countryside so I can't really say what this should look like but certainly family pets deserve to be given safety and access to areas that one can feel confident are predator free (barring small poison bugs and stuff I guess, as we can't control for all things). Maybe you can channel some of your energy into developing a safer area for your other domestic pets. Maybe alert the neighbors (if you have them?) about your dog so they are aware to be cautious about coyotes (if that's what happened).
And you should look into ways to safeguard your deepest self, too, from someone who, no matter their intentions or feelings, doesn't seem to respect your repeated requests towards mindfulness around an issue you raised concern about several times before. It's true your mom was probably just absentminded, not cruel. But still, if this is part of a pattern, it won't help to expose yourself to someone else's carelessness again and again, and wonder why it still hurts and why they won't change.
Sorry if this is totally off mark. I'm sorry about your dog, too. Have a shrine for him? A little service? A poem? <3
(Someone killed my childhood dog "by accident" although it very much was not by accident, and I'm still mad about it all these years later. Not as mad of course, but it's still shitty and sucks. It's ok to miss your buddy.)
posted by erattacorrige at 8:29 PM on November 27, 2020 [5 favorites]
Maybe this is a good time -- since the emotions are actually surfacing-- to explore the ways you feel let down and disappointed by your mom. Sometimes the day to day let's us push things down to deal with later simply for the sake of moving forward. But, it does sound like there have been other significant disappointments you've felt as a response to her behavior.
I'm really sorry about your dog. That's so sad and no matter how it happened, I hope the lil guy's end was quick and as painless as could be. Luckily he had a nice long beloved life. I'm sure he knew that. He was your tiny daemon for goodness sake, I don't blame you for being angry at all.
This is another opportunity to evaluate priorities, responsibilities, and boundaries. It's our job to care adequately for those smaller and weaker than us who are under our custodial view. I don't live in the countryside so I can't really say what this should look like but certainly family pets deserve to be given safety and access to areas that one can feel confident are predator free (barring small poison bugs and stuff I guess, as we can't control for all things). Maybe you can channel some of your energy into developing a safer area for your other domestic pets. Maybe alert the neighbors (if you have them?) about your dog so they are aware to be cautious about coyotes (if that's what happened).
And you should look into ways to safeguard your deepest self, too, from someone who, no matter their intentions or feelings, doesn't seem to respect your repeated requests towards mindfulness around an issue you raised concern about several times before. It's true your mom was probably just absentminded, not cruel. But still, if this is part of a pattern, it won't help to expose yourself to someone else's carelessness again and again, and wonder why it still hurts and why they won't change.
Sorry if this is totally off mark. I'm sorry about your dog, too. Have a shrine for him? A little service? A poem? <3
(Someone killed my childhood dog "by accident" although it very much was not by accident, and I'm still mad about it all these years later. Not as mad of course, but it's still shitty and sucks. It's ok to miss your buddy.)
posted by erattacorrige at 8:29 PM on November 27, 2020 [5 favorites]
Oh dear. I think you are grieving your dog and you want to blame someone for your sadness, and you have decided it's your mom's fault your dog is gone. Do you often assign blame when you are sad? Do you have a lot of anger towards your mother? I think erattacorrige might be onto to something that this isn't just about the dog. Sometimes it's easier to be angry than to feel sad and vulnerable, than to feel grief.
It's hard and sad and terrible to lose a beloved pet... and also, a 16 year old dog is at the end of its life. It's not a surprise that your dog would no longer be with you at this age.
I have told her for YEARS to WATCH our dogs when they are outside. But like everything else she never listens to me -- and now this?! I'm so angry with her! I feel like she might as well killed him herself. How difficult is it to stand outside with them for 10 minutes?! I really don't know how to deal with all these emotions - and how to forgive my mother for her negligence!
These are BIG feelings. It's pretty hard for me to read anyone feeling this way about someone else. Like, I am truly wondering why you are talking this way about your mom. Was your dad this way to her? Has someone modeled this way of treating her? Do you feel like you want to be able to control your mother's behavior? You and your mom, it sounds like, are housemates. Are these her dogs or yours? If they are your dogs, she is doing you a favor watching them, and I am wondering if there's a way to set up a safer more protected system for them. If they are her dogs, well, then she gets to make decisions about their care as long as she's not being abusive. If they are your dogs together, well, then you need to come to a shared understanding of how you each want to take care of them; it can't be you deciding and telling your mother how to behave.
If you can't come to an agreement, then can you get some more space from her?
But I think the big feeling here, the thing you need to get through, is grief. A 16 year old dog died. This is sad, but this is a really long life for your pet.
posted by bluedaisy at 12:17 AM on November 28, 2020 [9 favorites]
It's hard and sad and terrible to lose a beloved pet... and also, a 16 year old dog is at the end of its life. It's not a surprise that your dog would no longer be with you at this age.
I have told her for YEARS to WATCH our dogs when they are outside. But like everything else she never listens to me -- and now this?! I'm so angry with her! I feel like she might as well killed him herself. How difficult is it to stand outside with them for 10 minutes?! I really don't know how to deal with all these emotions - and how to forgive my mother for her negligence!
These are BIG feelings. It's pretty hard for me to read anyone feeling this way about someone else. Like, I am truly wondering why you are talking this way about your mom. Was your dad this way to her? Has someone modeled this way of treating her? Do you feel like you want to be able to control your mother's behavior? You and your mom, it sounds like, are housemates. Are these her dogs or yours? If they are your dogs, she is doing you a favor watching them, and I am wondering if there's a way to set up a safer more protected system for them. If they are her dogs, well, then she gets to make decisions about their care as long as she's not being abusive. If they are your dogs together, well, then you need to come to a shared understanding of how you each want to take care of them; it can't be you deciding and telling your mother how to behave.
If you can't come to an agreement, then can you get some more space from her?
But I think the big feeling here, the thing you need to get through, is grief. A 16 year old dog died. This is sad, but this is a really long life for your pet.
posted by bluedaisy at 12:17 AM on November 28, 2020 [9 favorites]
I live in rural coyote and hawk country. As soon as you said elderly, small, blind dog, I believed your mom. I know people that have lost cats and smaller dogs to ‘yotes in big cities. Happened to a friend in the Bay Area two months ago. And yes they target the most defenseless prey, and it happens in seconds, and the other regular dogs aren’t much of a defense unless they’re very large and very fierce. Out here, no one would normally leave a defenseless small animal outside for five minutes alone. Our cat is strictly indoors for that same reason, and because the local birds don’t need another predator on their asses either.
So I can’t say anything about the emotional factors here, but your mom’s explanation isn’t at all unreasonable even as speculation.
posted by spitbull at 3:06 AM on November 28, 2020 [4 favorites]
So I can’t say anything about the emotional factors here, but your mom’s explanation isn’t at all unreasonable even as speculation.
posted by spitbull at 3:06 AM on November 28, 2020 [4 favorites]
What mochapickle and spitbull said.
I know you are grieving, but step back, count to X and find the strength to forgive your mother.
posted by terrapin at 7:15 AM on November 28, 2020 [1 favorite]
I know you are grieving, but step back, count to X and find the strength to forgive your mother.
posted by terrapin at 7:15 AM on November 28, 2020 [1 favorite]
I feel like there is denial of the difference between an accident and gross negligence in some of the responses here. An accident: spilling milk. Gross negligence: drunk driving and killing people as a result. Your mom had the data that the coyotes were there. This was not an accident, it was a decision well aware of potential consequences and hoping that they would not happen. I think you can be angry. You aren't under any obligation to forgive someone until you're ready. Not to make your mom happy, not to make some Internet Strangers happy.
posted by erattacorrige at 8:05 AM on November 28, 2020 [11 favorites]
posted by erattacorrige at 8:05 AM on November 28, 2020 [11 favorites]
I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s always sad to lose a furry loved one and even more tragic to lose them in such a scary way. My heart goes out to you! Your dog might still come back!!
More importantly, how do I forgive my mom? I have told her for YEARS to WATCH our dogs when they are outside. But like everything else she never listens to me -- and now this?!
OK, I’m going to address this since you are looking for honest feedback on how to deal with the events and forgive your mother. You knew your mother was irresponsible— or should we say maybe “less responsible” than you with your pets. Yet you chose to keep having her watch them because it was probably cheaper, more convenient, etc. You can’t have it all: your priorities were elsewhere and that’s OK but it’s also unfair to me to completely blame your mom here. It’s awful and tragic but maybe you’re also a little made at yourself for having trusted her?
I have been in this situation a few times. Currently I’m stuck across the world from my cat because I can’t return to the country where she is due to COVID limitations. I had reliable friends watching her but now have to depend on my shitty roommate. It absolutely sucks and I worry a lot but I also have to accept it as it is. Because bad things can happen even when we’re with them! And we have to live our lives — were you going to quit your job so you could be home 24/7 for your pet, move to an area without coyotes and hawks, etc. Probably not. But that doesn’t mean you’re irresponsible either, although anyone could argue anything when they’re sad and hurting.
Your mom fucked up but she was trying her best. Life has been so hard under COVID that we are fucking up in new and stupid ways more than ever. Please allow yourself to mourn your loss but also be gentle with yourself and her. It’s totally reasonable to seek out therapy for this because a loss of a pet is a legit “reason” to mourn in and of itself and especially when it’s got some complex family dynamics and feelings involved. I’m so sorry. <3
posted by smorgasbord at 8:30 AM on November 28, 2020 [8 favorites]
More importantly, how do I forgive my mom? I have told her for YEARS to WATCH our dogs when they are outside. But like everything else she never listens to me -- and now this?!
OK, I’m going to address this since you are looking for honest feedback on how to deal with the events and forgive your mother. You knew your mother was irresponsible— or should we say maybe “less responsible” than you with your pets. Yet you chose to keep having her watch them because it was probably cheaper, more convenient, etc. You can’t have it all: your priorities were elsewhere and that’s OK but it’s also unfair to me to completely blame your mom here. It’s awful and tragic but maybe you’re also a little made at yourself for having trusted her?
I have been in this situation a few times. Currently I’m stuck across the world from my cat because I can’t return to the country where she is due to COVID limitations. I had reliable friends watching her but now have to depend on my shitty roommate. It absolutely sucks and I worry a lot but I also have to accept it as it is. Because bad things can happen even when we’re with them! And we have to live our lives — were you going to quit your job so you could be home 24/7 for your pet, move to an area without coyotes and hawks, etc. Probably not. But that doesn’t mean you’re irresponsible either, although anyone could argue anything when they’re sad and hurting.
Your mom fucked up but she was trying her best. Life has been so hard under COVID that we are fucking up in new and stupid ways more than ever. Please allow yourself to mourn your loss but also be gentle with yourself and her. It’s totally reasonable to seek out therapy for this because a loss of a pet is a legit “reason” to mourn in and of itself and especially when it’s got some complex family dynamics and feelings involved. I’m so sorry. <3
posted by smorgasbord at 8:30 AM on November 28, 2020 [8 favorites]
I'm sorry for your loss and that of everyone who loved the dog.
I grew up with lots of dogs and lots of coyotes. (We lost at least one cat and more than a few chickens to them.) Some dogs will go nuts when a coyote is near. Some pay no attention at all. And, coyotes are really, really fast. Faster than you'd think physically possible. Jumping over a six foot fence, grabbing an animal, and escaping can happen in seconds. It's feasible he was taken by a coyote and the other dogs didn't notice anything had happened. It's also possible he wondered off. You'll probably never know. Which is awful, but often the case.
I'd argue that this is negligence on your mother's part and could have been prevented. But, it may be the best she is capable of doing right now. It's possible to love someone without trusting their judgement. Forgiving and forgetting are different things.
posted by eotvos at 9:18 AM on November 28, 2020 [1 favorite]
I grew up with lots of dogs and lots of coyotes. (We lost at least one cat and more than a few chickens to them.) Some dogs will go nuts when a coyote is near. Some pay no attention at all. And, coyotes are really, really fast. Faster than you'd think physically possible. Jumping over a six foot fence, grabbing an animal, and escaping can happen in seconds. It's feasible he was taken by a coyote and the other dogs didn't notice anything had happened. It's also possible he wondered off. You'll probably never know. Which is awful, but often the case.
I'd argue that this is negligence on your mother's part and could have been prevented. But, it may be the best she is capable of doing right now. It's possible to love someone without trusting their judgement. Forgiving and forgetting are different things.
posted by eotvos at 9:18 AM on November 28, 2020 [1 favorite]
I actually think it is okay to be angry, here. I also think it is important to keep in mind that negligence need not be habitual, intentional, or malicious to still be very harmful. Ultimately the question of whether your mother did something/did not do something that requires forgiveness and whether you can extend that to her is, to me, farther down the road than the immediacy of grieving the lost dog. Your anger at her is not going to bring the dog back. As others have said, there may be an opportunity to channel that into something that helps keep the other pets safe.
posted by sm1tten at 10:32 AM on November 28, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by sm1tten at 10:32 AM on November 28, 2020 [1 favorite]
well, this question is going to run up against the green's general prejudice against mothers, so your answers are going to skew that way.
To me it sounds obvious that a coyote got your tiny, blind and elderly dog, in precisely the way that coyotes typically hunt small and helpless prey, and that your mom could not realistically have prevented it alone. And also that your anger is not only misplaced, but is - ironically - directed against the human corollary to your dog: an elderly person who's helpless to defend herself against your cruel accusations. There's nothing for you to "forgive" here, unless you want to forgive the coyotes.
Grieve your little dog, and stop torturing your mother. [ETA - just noticed your "she never listens to me" lede. Yeah, I hear that. It's annoying. Nothing pushes buttons like a parent or child. But it's not what killed your dog.]
posted by fingersandtoes at 10:53 AM on November 28, 2020 [11 favorites]
To me it sounds obvious that a coyote got your tiny, blind and elderly dog, in precisely the way that coyotes typically hunt small and helpless prey, and that your mom could not realistically have prevented it alone. And also that your anger is not only misplaced, but is - ironically - directed against the human corollary to your dog: an elderly person who's helpless to defend herself against your cruel accusations. There's nothing for you to "forgive" here, unless you want to forgive the coyotes.
Grieve your little dog, and stop torturing your mother. [ETA - just noticed your "she never listens to me" lede. Yeah, I hear that. It's annoying. Nothing pushes buttons like a parent or child. But it's not what killed your dog.]
posted by fingersandtoes at 10:53 AM on November 28, 2020 [11 favorites]
Some animals do wander off to die alone, and they seem to prefer to die that way. Two of our geriatric cats died this way over the years - we assume. They were in their late teens, and had health issues, and one day when let out as usual, they just never came home. It could have been "prevented", as in we could have kept them inside against their wills, enacted life-extending measures that might or might not have helped, taken them to the vet which was a stressful ordeal. We instead chose to let nature take its course, and let the animals decide when they were done, and where and how they wanted to die. It's possible that some other creature helped them along; we'll never know. In both cases, we kids were long out of the house and these were our family pets that we left behind at our parents house when we moved on into our adult lives. it has never occurred to me to blame either of my parents for the cats' deaths, although I was sad to learn of each one.
So I'm curious, would you feel differently if the dog had wandered off alone to die? Would you still blame your mom? Did she SEE a coyote? It doesn't sound like it; it sounds like conjecture, when I'd be more likely to suspect that an aged dog wandered off either by accident or intentionally to die in peace and not be found. If she had stayed outside, and did see a coyote, what should she have done? Fought it off?
I agree with those posters who think you are unfairly blaming your mom for something that was largely out of her control. Pets die, and it sounds like yours was near the end of his life. Grieve your pet, and maybe examine where this deep anger at your mom is coming from, but don't conflate the two events unfairly.
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 11:02 AM on November 28, 2020 [4 favorites]
So I'm curious, would you feel differently if the dog had wandered off alone to die? Would you still blame your mom? Did she SEE a coyote? It doesn't sound like it; it sounds like conjecture, when I'd be more likely to suspect that an aged dog wandered off either by accident or intentionally to die in peace and not be found. If she had stayed outside, and did see a coyote, what should she have done? Fought it off?
I agree with those posters who think you are unfairly blaming your mom for something that was largely out of her control. Pets die, and it sounds like yours was near the end of his life. Grieve your pet, and maybe examine where this deep anger at your mom is coming from, but don't conflate the two events unfairly.
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 11:02 AM on November 28, 2020 [4 favorites]
I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Your mom is not being communicative and you are doubly hurt with the loss of your dog and with uncertainty about what happened. It may be that your mother is having trouble coming to grips with this, and/or she is terribly afraid of being blamed, and that's why she's telling you (and herself) a story that only somewhat makes sense. It's hard when you experience a loss and feel that your family members are farther from you in that loss, not closer.
I agree with the suggestions that you focus on your own feelings for now and mourn your dog fully. Maybe make room for the idea that at some point you can discuss this with your mother and find out how she really feels. Forgiveness may come from that understanding, or it may just come with time.
posted by BibiRose at 1:17 PM on November 28, 2020 [1 favorite]
I agree with the suggestions that you focus on your own feelings for now and mourn your dog fully. Maybe make room for the idea that at some point you can discuss this with your mother and find out how she really feels. Forgiveness may come from that understanding, or it may just come with time.
posted by BibiRose at 1:17 PM on November 28, 2020 [1 favorite]
If the OPs mom had been watching the dog while it was outside and a coyote had grabbed the little guy too fast for the mom to do anything about it, that's one thing, but the OPs mom just put the dog outside and left it alone. Now no one may ever know what happened to the poor dog. A friend/famy member for 16 years just disappears into thin air, that's really tough. I think OP has a perfect right to be angry at their mom. She was terribly irresponsible regardless of whatever else is going on in their dynamic, and someone dissapeared (possibly for good) because of it. I'd be furious.
Having said that, I think OP should grieve for their dog and then move on as best they can, going forward with the internal resolve never again to ask/allow their mother to watchover any other pets.
posted by WalkerWestridge at 2:13 PM on November 28, 2020 [8 favorites]
Having said that, I think OP should grieve for their dog and then move on as best they can, going forward with the internal resolve never again to ask/allow their mother to watchover any other pets.
posted by WalkerWestridge at 2:13 PM on November 28, 2020 [8 favorites]
I've never had to deal with living in coyote country, but thinking back to the few times I've seen wildlife attack each other, it always happened so fast I couldn't have yelled or intervened. Think realistically about what would have happened, even if your mom had witnessed the coyote attack. Would yelling have stopped the attack? Was she capable of running after them, or wrestling your dog out of its jaws with her bare hands? More likely there would have been little she actually could have done.
I'm sorry for your loss. Your pup deserved better.
posted by Soliloquy at 11:23 PM on November 28, 2020 [3 favorites]
I'm sorry for your loss. Your pup deserved better.
posted by Soliloquy at 11:23 PM on November 28, 2020 [3 favorites]
I'm so sorry that your dog is missing! I hope he turns up. And if he does not, I'm so sorry for your loss.
I'm going to answer your question about how to forgive her with a few ideas. Vietnamese monk Thich Nhat Hanh wrote a book about anger, and one of his points is that anger comes when we have an expectation that is unmet, and so one of the things you can try is to look for where you have a sense of entitlement. (He even suggests people picture themselves as this pouty king to sort of laugh at and defuse one's tendency to put themselves on that throne and issue demands.)
In this case, I think you could think about how your mom isn't your servant and doesn't have to obey your orders. She's an independent person who is allowed to have a different opinion, such as "the dogs don't actually need watched constantly outside." (And I actually think that's a valid opinion. You've been telling her that for years and for years she hasn't listened, so for years, maybe even 16 years, her approach has proven to be adequately safe. I say this as someone who lets my cat out in a place with coyote sightings.) So you could try to stop feeling mad that she didn't take care of the dogs at level 100 of quality and switch to feeling grateful that she took care of the dogs at level 75. While you were traveling for work, you didn't have to pay for a dog sitter or kennel. That's nice. For 16 years, she did a decent job taking care of the dog. That's nice.
If that didn't help and you're still angry that she didn't watch them every minute they were outside, (and I don't know, maybe the coyotes in your area are known to be particularly dangerous?), an option would be to switch to being angry at yourself. For years, years now, you've been asking her to watch them outside. After all that time, why didn't you ever learn that she simply won't? It's a lot better to accept people as they are than to blame them for not being someone else. Why didn't you take responsibility for them, knowing that she wouldn't be careful enough and that you couldn't change that? Maybe you could have boarded the dogs while you were traveling, or built a safe enclosure.
Another option is to try to see your mom as human and have sympathy for her position. She had to use the restroom. The dogs had to use the bathroom at the same time. Even someone who normally does things at Level 100 can't do that all the time. It's just not really a good look to get mad at someone for leaving a dog unattended long enough to use the restroom. It can take a few minutes for a dog to finish his business and get collected to come in -- occasionally people suddenly have to go. It's a lot to ask of a single individual to be perfect all the time.
It seems to me that maybe it was just getting to be his time. He had ongoing ailments (deaf, had poor vision, dementia) and had recently lost a lot of weight, suggesting something more serious was happening. Having seen a cat get sicker and sicker, it might be somewhat merciful of the universe to take him before he suffered too much, or maybe he chose it as his time. Maybe you could focus on grieving for your dog and that might help defuse your anger. I'm sorry for your loss.
posted by salvia at 8:32 AM on November 29, 2020 [6 favorites]
I'm going to answer your question about how to forgive her with a few ideas. Vietnamese monk Thich Nhat Hanh wrote a book about anger, and one of his points is that anger comes when we have an expectation that is unmet, and so one of the things you can try is to look for where you have a sense of entitlement. (He even suggests people picture themselves as this pouty king to sort of laugh at and defuse one's tendency to put themselves on that throne and issue demands.)
In this case, I think you could think about how your mom isn't your servant and doesn't have to obey your orders. She's an independent person who is allowed to have a different opinion, such as "the dogs don't actually need watched constantly outside." (And I actually think that's a valid opinion. You've been telling her that for years and for years she hasn't listened, so for years, maybe even 16 years, her approach has proven to be adequately safe. I say this as someone who lets my cat out in a place with coyote sightings.) So you could try to stop feeling mad that she didn't take care of the dogs at level 100 of quality and switch to feeling grateful that she took care of the dogs at level 75. While you were traveling for work, you didn't have to pay for a dog sitter or kennel. That's nice. For 16 years, she did a decent job taking care of the dog. That's nice.
If that didn't help and you're still angry that she didn't watch them every minute they were outside, (and I don't know, maybe the coyotes in your area are known to be particularly dangerous?), an option would be to switch to being angry at yourself. For years, years now, you've been asking her to watch them outside. After all that time, why didn't you ever learn that she simply won't? It's a lot better to accept people as they are than to blame them for not being someone else. Why didn't you take responsibility for them, knowing that she wouldn't be careful enough and that you couldn't change that? Maybe you could have boarded the dogs while you were traveling, or built a safe enclosure.
Another option is to try to see your mom as human and have sympathy for her position. She had to use the restroom. The dogs had to use the bathroom at the same time. Even someone who normally does things at Level 100 can't do that all the time. It's just not really a good look to get mad at someone for leaving a dog unattended long enough to use the restroom. It can take a few minutes for a dog to finish his business and get collected to come in -- occasionally people suddenly have to go. It's a lot to ask of a single individual to be perfect all the time.
It seems to me that maybe it was just getting to be his time. He had ongoing ailments (deaf, had poor vision, dementia) and had recently lost a lot of weight, suggesting something more serious was happening. Having seen a cat get sicker and sicker, it might be somewhat merciful of the universe to take him before he suffered too much, or maybe he chose it as his time. Maybe you could focus on grieving for your dog and that might help defuse your anger. I'm sorry for your loss.
posted by salvia at 8:32 AM on November 29, 2020 [6 favorites]
One last thought: are you angry because in your subconscious you suspect something more serious, like that she took the dog to be euthanized while you were traveling? That would be a much different situation.
posted by salvia at 8:35 AM on November 29, 2020
posted by salvia at 8:35 AM on November 29, 2020
Most Mefites are missing the point on this. Don't listen to all the philosophical rationalizations and blame pointed towards you.
Your mother was irresponsible to leave your beloved pet alone. It likely led directly to his death. This irresponsibility or lack of care has been in evidence before, and this is your mother, so it is really hard to take.
All your feelings are totally understandable! Don't be gaslit into thinking what she did was OK and you're the one who is wrong. You are entitled to feel your feelings of anger and betrayal about this.
You asked how to forgive your mom, and I think your answer is in your ability to love an elderly, deaf dog with dementia. Despite his flaws, you still cherished him, because he was yours to love and you had a long history together. You saw his remaining great dog qualities despite his increasing weaknesses. Maybe you can come to regard your mom's flaws as just the way she is too, and that she is still a precious creature you were entrusted to love and with whom you have a long history.
I understand it's often harder to forgive human flaws because they feel volitional, but I don't think they usually are. Your mother is who she is, it's entrenched. Your task is to love her anyway and let go of the idealized version of her where she is as responsible as you'd like her to be. It can be hard to accept the actual parents we have, but use your pet owner's ability to love a flawed but precious creature.
posted by Flock of Cynthiabirds at 1:18 PM on November 29, 2020 [4 favorites]
Your mother was irresponsible to leave your beloved pet alone. It likely led directly to his death. This irresponsibility or lack of care has been in evidence before, and this is your mother, so it is really hard to take.
All your feelings are totally understandable! Don't be gaslit into thinking what she did was OK and you're the one who is wrong. You are entitled to feel your feelings of anger and betrayal about this.
You asked how to forgive your mom, and I think your answer is in your ability to love an elderly, deaf dog with dementia. Despite his flaws, you still cherished him, because he was yours to love and you had a long history together. You saw his remaining great dog qualities despite his increasing weaknesses. Maybe you can come to regard your mom's flaws as just the way she is too, and that she is still a precious creature you were entrusted to love and with whom you have a long history.
I understand it's often harder to forgive human flaws because they feel volitional, but I don't think they usually are. Your mother is who she is, it's entrenched. Your task is to love her anyway and let go of the idealized version of her where she is as responsible as you'd like her to be. It can be hard to accept the actual parents we have, but use your pet owner's ability to love a flawed but precious creature.
posted by Flock of Cynthiabirds at 1:18 PM on November 29, 2020 [4 favorites]
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I don't know if this is the exact time to work to forgive your mother. You can recognize she is also experiencing the loss and kind of shelve that for a bit, if you are able to, and that going to the bathroom is not the same as killing a pet.
In time, there are ways to expand your view beyond her decision this particular night. For example, was there an opportunity to build a fence or a dog run since this has been an issue for years, something to consider for your other dogs. Doing something like that might help lower the emotional tension because you will know that you've resolved the issue rather than relying on someone who repeatedly showed she was unreliable. Or maybe you could hire a local teenager to come do the walks at night when you're away. In general maybe taking action so that you have more control of the situation.
But really I think it's about grief right now and it is okay to feel sad, angry, frustrated, bereft - all those things. It's really hard when we ask people to do things so that the worst doesn't happen - and then it does. If your pup has passed I hope he is enjoying chasing things on the rainbow bridge.
posted by warriorqueen at 8:00 PM on November 27, 2020 [8 favorites]