Would you move for love, and is it healthy to?
November 23, 2020 2:26 PM Subscribe
How many people would be happy at around 38 to leave their own roots and friends and life to move several hundred miles away for me? And would someone who was willing to do that actually be kind of psychologically unhealthy, or lacking in close ties?
I am a 33yo woman from Scotland. I've just started medical school in the south of England (it's a 5-year programme). I am single but would like to have kids some day. A lot of people do actually have kids while at the medical school I'm at, and they manage OK, so that is an option. I want to have a family, but I also want to go back to Scotland (Edinburgh or Glasgow) to live. (I wish I'd got into medical school in the Scottish unis I applied to, but I didn't. I'm kind of heartbroken because I'd been away from Edinburgh for a while and had been about to move back and start to strengthen my friendships and acquaintanceships and start to rebuild my roots in Edinburgh, but then the pandemic happened and then medical school. Medical school is *hard* to get into, and, if I were to drop out, there are no guarantees that I'd ever get another offer. I asked the medical schools I'd be happy to be at in Scotland, and they said that they wouldn't consider an application from me unless I had completely dropped out of my current one.
If things go "to plan", I won't be able to leave the south of England until I'm 38. Ideally (family-wise) I need to have met someone I'd like to be with by then! But how many people would be happy at around 38 to leave their own roots and friends and life to move several hundred miles away for me? And would someone who was willing to do that actually be kind of psychologically unhealthy, or lacking in close ties? I feel like I'm having to choose between medicine and reasonable prospects of having a partner and family. Medicine may be great but I don't think it's worth the entire rest of my life, if that's what it really comes down to. I'm pretty depressed and thinking of quitting medical school, returning to Scotland, and training as a counsellor.
I am a 33yo woman from Scotland. I've just started medical school in the south of England (it's a 5-year programme). I am single but would like to have kids some day. A lot of people do actually have kids while at the medical school I'm at, and they manage OK, so that is an option. I want to have a family, but I also want to go back to Scotland (Edinburgh or Glasgow) to live. (I wish I'd got into medical school in the Scottish unis I applied to, but I didn't. I'm kind of heartbroken because I'd been away from Edinburgh for a while and had been about to move back and start to strengthen my friendships and acquaintanceships and start to rebuild my roots in Edinburgh, but then the pandemic happened and then medical school. Medical school is *hard* to get into, and, if I were to drop out, there are no guarantees that I'd ever get another offer. I asked the medical schools I'd be happy to be at in Scotland, and they said that they wouldn't consider an application from me unless I had completely dropped out of my current one.
If things go "to plan", I won't be able to leave the south of England until I'm 38. Ideally (family-wise) I need to have met someone I'd like to be with by then! But how many people would be happy at around 38 to leave their own roots and friends and life to move several hundred miles away for me? And would someone who was willing to do that actually be kind of psychologically unhealthy, or lacking in close ties? I feel like I'm having to choose between medicine and reasonable prospects of having a partner and family. Medicine may be great but I don't think it's worth the entire rest of my life, if that's what it really comes down to. I'm pretty depressed and thinking of quitting medical school, returning to Scotland, and training as a counsellor.
Southern UK to to Edinburgh is really not that far at all. It's not like you'd be taking this hypothetical partner to another continent - you're talking about a distance that is eminently travel-lable several times per year. It's a day's drive. It's two movies on your laptop on a train and you're there. It's a one-hour flight. I know people in Edinburgh who literally commuted by air 2-3 times per week (pre-covid, obvs) to London. And HS2, if it actually happens, might cut the train journey by an hour.
And - even if it were the other side of the world, moving that far for a stable and healthy relationship is not a sign that someone has psychological problems! In fact, just the opposite. It takes a healthy and confident person to make a move like that.
I would just make sure not to hang your future on this hypothetical relationship, whatever you do - don't make major life decisions to accommodate it. How would you feel if you didn't go to med school, stayed in Scotland, and in five years, you were still single? Would you rather be a single counsellor or a single MD?
posted by cilantro at 2:48 PM on November 23, 2020 [13 favorites]
And - even if it were the other side of the world, moving that far for a stable and healthy relationship is not a sign that someone has psychological problems! In fact, just the opposite. It takes a healthy and confident person to make a move like that.
I would just make sure not to hang your future on this hypothetical relationship, whatever you do - don't make major life decisions to accommodate it. How would you feel if you didn't go to med school, stayed in Scotland, and in five years, you were still single? Would you rather be a single counsellor or a single MD?
posted by cilantro at 2:48 PM on November 23, 2020 [13 favorites]
Seconding that this sounds like the real crux of the problem:
I'm pretty depressed and thinking of quitting medical school, returning to Scotland, and training as a counsellor.
There is absolutely no reason whatsoever to make this decision based on whether a hypothetical partner would or would not move for you in 5 years. If you're pretty depressed, then it's time to take on the adage "physician, heal thyself," and go get yourself the support you need to get through what is undoubtedly a very hard and somewhat disappointing time.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 2:50 PM on November 23, 2020 [40 favorites]
I'm pretty depressed and thinking of quitting medical school, returning to Scotland, and training as a counsellor.
There is absolutely no reason whatsoever to make this decision based on whether a hypothetical partner would or would not move for you in 5 years. If you're pretty depressed, then it's time to take on the adage "physician, heal thyself," and go get yourself the support you need to get through what is undoubtedly a very hard and somewhat disappointing time.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 2:50 PM on November 23, 2020 [40 favorites]
I think this is kind of a general "heck if I know, it's waaaaaaaaay too easy to tell" thing right now.
* You could find someone in England who's originally from Scotland and would like to move back, just like you.
* You date online, find someone in Scotland already, move back to be with them.
* You find someone who is fine with moving, in general. Maybe they're just super adventurous or are fine with long-distance ties. Maybe you're the homebody in the relationship and they are not, rather than finding two homebodies to stay in Scotland for life.
* You plan to move back to Scotland but can only get a job in England, or somewhere else in Europe, which derails the plans entirely to go back home.
It'll depend entirely on who you date, I fear. It's not 100% out of the realm of possibility that you can find someone to "go back home" with. Or maybe you even end up changing your mind on moving back to Scotland for job or guy reasons or something else entirely. I used to know someone who wanted to try living in LA for awhile but said she planned on settling down in her hometown in Berkeley someday and wanted someone who would do that. She ended up settling down with someone and moving to Portland.
Right now it's too early to know. I don't think you should assume that anyone who would want to move with you is psychologically ailing, though.
I'm sorry you didn't get into medical school in the location that you wanted. But what is the most important priority to you? Medical school even if you have to go elsewhere to do it, or Scotland even if you have to give up utterly on your dreams of medical school? Or does "have a baby with someone ASAP" top both of those desires? Pick your priority and go from there, I guess.
posted by jenfullmoon at 2:50 PM on November 23, 2020 [4 favorites]
* You could find someone in England who's originally from Scotland and would like to move back, just like you.
* You date online, find someone in Scotland already, move back to be with them.
* You find someone who is fine with moving, in general. Maybe they're just super adventurous or are fine with long-distance ties. Maybe you're the homebody in the relationship and they are not, rather than finding two homebodies to stay in Scotland for life.
* You plan to move back to Scotland but can only get a job in England, or somewhere else in Europe, which derails the plans entirely to go back home.
It'll depend entirely on who you date, I fear. It's not 100% out of the realm of possibility that you can find someone to "go back home" with. Or maybe you even end up changing your mind on moving back to Scotland for job or guy reasons or something else entirely. I used to know someone who wanted to try living in LA for awhile but said she planned on settling down in her hometown in Berkeley someday and wanted someone who would do that. She ended up settling down with someone and moving to Portland.
Right now it's too early to know. I don't think you should assume that anyone who would want to move with you is psychologically ailing, though.
I'm sorry you didn't get into medical school in the location that you wanted. But what is the most important priority to you? Medical school even if you have to go elsewhere to do it, or Scotland even if you have to give up utterly on your dreams of medical school? Or does "have a baby with someone ASAP" top both of those desires? Pick your priority and go from there, I guess.
posted by jenfullmoon at 2:50 PM on November 23, 2020 [4 favorites]
I would move for love, and I have! And I have had partners move with me as well. From LA, to Boston, back to LA, and to Seattle, and to London, and back to Seattle. When you find a partner who is like you, it is just part of life. It's totally normal and in many ways is what some people are looking for in a partner: A person to make a new life with that might include moving around the world.
But also, you are not from the Siberian plains, you are from one of the world's most delightful and beautiful cities. A possibility of moving to Edinburgh in the future could make you an exciting potential partner to many, adding to all of your existing charms.
posted by pazazygeek at 2:54 PM on November 23, 2020 [15 favorites]
But also, you are not from the Siberian plains, you are from one of the world's most delightful and beautiful cities. A possibility of moving to Edinburgh in the future could make you an exciting potential partner to many, adding to all of your existing charms.
posted by pazazygeek at 2:54 PM on November 23, 2020 [15 favorites]
Canadian perspective where we don't consider anything under three hours to be far is this happens all the time. I followed my spouse seven hours away. So common as to be unremarkable though you usually see the more portable profession, which medicine presumably is, be the one who moves.
The only complication I can see arises from Brexit and the remote possiblity that Scotland breaks from the UK and returns to the EU. Suddenly a visit back home involves passports and other hassles.
posted by Mitheral at 2:56 PM on November 23, 2020 [8 favorites]
The only complication I can see arises from Brexit and the remote possiblity that Scotland breaks from the UK and returns to the EU. Suddenly a visit back home involves passports and other hassles.
posted by Mitheral at 2:56 PM on November 23, 2020 [8 favorites]
Also don't forget you're not the only person in your program who's not from the south of England? There are presumably people like yourself from other parts of the UK (and other countries? I don't know how medical school works in England). And even outside of medical school surely there are lots of people in the south of England for whom leaving the south of England would not be "leaving their own roots and friends" but rather just making another move (there are even other people from Scotland in the south! probably some of them want to move back!).
You feel very strong ties to Scotland, so maybe it's understandable that to you, asking someone to move from the south to Scotland would be a huge deal. But for some people it's just not - they aren't as fussed about where they live, or they don't like where they live, and they don't feel a need to be physically close to their friends and family, or their friends and their family don't all live in one place anyway.
Mostly it sounds like you're really homesick. Give it a bit longer, and get your depression treated.
posted by mskyle at 2:56 PM on November 23, 2020 [10 favorites]
You feel very strong ties to Scotland, so maybe it's understandable that to you, asking someone to move from the south to Scotland would be a huge deal. But for some people it's just not - they aren't as fussed about where they live, or they don't like where they live, and they don't feel a need to be physically close to their friends and family, or their friends and their family don't all live in one place anyway.
Mostly it sounds like you're really homesick. Give it a bit longer, and get your depression treated.
posted by mskyle at 2:56 PM on November 23, 2020 [10 favorites]
I’m proof that this is possible. I started dating my wife while she was in grad school where I lived, and we moved together across the country after she graduated.
That said... I’m pretty damn miserable. I really hate where I live now and I dream about moving home literally every day. I really regret moving, and it has had a deleterious effect on my marriage.
So my advice to you is to be upfront about what you’re planning. If you decide to date locals while you’re at school, be clear from the beginning that you plan to move and that you’re only in town to study. If they’re at all skeptical of moving, break it off. It’ll only get harder the longer you draw it out.
But there are plenty of people not like me (it seems most people actually think I’m crazy for being homesick), so you should still have a decent sized pool.
posted by kevinbelt at 2:59 PM on November 23, 2020 [4 favorites]
That said... I’m pretty damn miserable. I really hate where I live now and I dream about moving home literally every day. I really regret moving, and it has had a deleterious effect on my marriage.
So my advice to you is to be upfront about what you’re planning. If you decide to date locals while you’re at school, be clear from the beginning that you plan to move and that you’re only in town to study. If they’re at all skeptical of moving, break it off. It’ll only get harder the longer you draw it out.
But there are plenty of people not like me (it seems most people actually think I’m crazy for being homesick), so you should still have a decent sized pool.
posted by kevinbelt at 2:59 PM on November 23, 2020 [4 favorites]
Well, my husband, who is Brazilian, chose to live in my country and not only give up living in Brazil but give up doing a PhD in the USA for me (he is doing his PhD here instead). Then we moved cities because he didn't like where we originally lived, for valid reasons. Where I'm from (NZ) this is quite normal. One of my neighbours is Welsh, actually, and decided to live here after he met his kiwi love. I think this is just something adults do when they fall in love and want to make it work - it doesn't mean anything about their ability to make connections. My husband is still close to his Brazilian friends and parents. I'm still friends with the people in my previous city.
posted by thereader at 3:00 PM on November 23, 2020 [5 favorites]
posted by thereader at 3:00 PM on November 23, 2020 [5 favorites]
Congratulations for getting into medical school. That's massive and will, no doubt, take some adjustment, especially if you are feeling homesick. 2020 is also a shit of a year, so it's understandable that you might be struggling more than you usually would.
Do you want to be a doctor/surgeon? If so, please do not give this opportunity up because of hypotheticals. You really can't predict what will happen over the next five years.
Would you actually like being a counsellor? If not, becoming one could lead to you being desperately unhappy and there's no guarantee that it would lead to you meeting a partner through that decision.
Please seek support to get through this time and focus on cultivating the life that you want, whether or not you have a partner in it. If the right person comes along, then you can make decisions about where you both want to live.
And no, there's nothing psychologically wrong with someone being okay with moving away. But I also want to add that there's also nothing wrong with you that you want to stay close to your roots either.
Take care of yourself. You are stronger than you think
posted by kinddieserzeit at 3:26 PM on November 23, 2020 [4 favorites]
Do you want to be a doctor/surgeon? If so, please do not give this opportunity up because of hypotheticals. You really can't predict what will happen over the next five years.
Would you actually like being a counsellor? If not, becoming one could lead to you being desperately unhappy and there's no guarantee that it would lead to you meeting a partner through that decision.
Please seek support to get through this time and focus on cultivating the life that you want, whether or not you have a partner in it. If the right person comes along, then you can make decisions about where you both want to live.
And no, there's nothing psychologically wrong with someone being okay with moving away. But I also want to add that there's also nothing wrong with you that you want to stay close to your roots either.
Take care of yourself. You are stronger than you think
posted by kinddieserzeit at 3:26 PM on November 23, 2020 [4 favorites]
If you want to drop out of medical school, the internet gives you permission to do so because it's not what you really want to do. However, I cannot give you permission to drop out of medical school because a hypothetical potential future spouse won't move with you. You are doing a bit of spiraling here. The worst part: you've already decided that even if someone would move with you for love, they won't be a healthy person if they're willing to.
You know that old Groucho Marx line? "I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member." Your version is, "I refuse to find emotionally healthy any potential partner who would move for me."
The reason you should not drop out of a medical school for this hypothetical potential partner is because you could drop out of med school, go home, live there, and ... still find yourself not married and partnered at age 38. At that point, would you look back and wish you had gone to med school? Many women give up careers for their husbands. You are thinking of giving up your potential career for a potential husband. That doesn't seem right.
But, if you look deep inside and find there are other non-pandemic, non-homesick reasons why med school is not what you want to be doing right now, then do think through all that.
The first fall in any new school is the hardest. It usually gets better when you go back after the holidays.
posted by bluedaisy at 3:32 PM on November 23, 2020 [19 favorites]
You know that old Groucho Marx line? "I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member." Your version is, "I refuse to find emotionally healthy any potential partner who would move for me."
The reason you should not drop out of a medical school for this hypothetical potential partner is because you could drop out of med school, go home, live there, and ... still find yourself not married and partnered at age 38. At that point, would you look back and wish you had gone to med school? Many women give up careers for their husbands. You are thinking of giving up your potential career for a potential husband. That doesn't seem right.
But, if you look deep inside and find there are other non-pandemic, non-homesick reasons why med school is not what you want to be doing right now, then do think through all that.
The first fall in any new school is the hardest. It usually gets better when you go back after the holidays.
posted by bluedaisy at 3:32 PM on November 23, 2020 [19 favorites]
If you met someone this week and they were ready to move to Scotland with you next month, that would be something to be concerned about, at least don't move in with that person right away.
If you meet someone in the next few years and build a relationship with them, during which time you are open about your desire to return to Scotland, and that is something that is agreeable to them because it's not actually all that far and people move for work/school/relationships all the time without being some kind of weirdo, and it's something you both talk about and work toward*, that is a normal thing people do.
*Five years is a long time, and the two of you may very well end up with a shared plan for something that is literally unimaginable to you today, might as well be going to the moon for how likely you think it is now. Life is like that. All that matters is that the two of you agree on it.
It's also not a personality flaw to not be completely adhered to where one lives at any given moment. Not everyone has an intensely close family (or much family in general), a lot of people in the career-and-family building stages of their lives have friends moving away all the time so it's a little silly to stay when they're all gone unless you really like living there.
I'm hearing some pretty intense anxiety in your question that might not exactly be about the question but more about your unhappiness, the pressure of starting med school, and probably the pandemic plus political upheaval; you're under a lot of uncertainty and pressure right now. People move around, lots of people actually like moving around, not everyone is as intensely rooted in a single place as you are. I think as long as you are always honest about what your plans are, anybody who absolutely couldn't fathom the possibility will self-select out. It'll be okay.
posted by Lyn Never at 3:33 PM on November 23, 2020 [6 favorites]
If you meet someone in the next few years and build a relationship with them, during which time you are open about your desire to return to Scotland, and that is something that is agreeable to them because it's not actually all that far and people move for work/school/relationships all the time without being some kind of weirdo, and it's something you both talk about and work toward*, that is a normal thing people do.
*Five years is a long time, and the two of you may very well end up with a shared plan for something that is literally unimaginable to you today, might as well be going to the moon for how likely you think it is now. Life is like that. All that matters is that the two of you agree on it.
It's also not a personality flaw to not be completely adhered to where one lives at any given moment. Not everyone has an intensely close family (or much family in general), a lot of people in the career-and-family building stages of their lives have friends moving away all the time so it's a little silly to stay when they're all gone unless you really like living there.
I'm hearing some pretty intense anxiety in your question that might not exactly be about the question but more about your unhappiness, the pressure of starting med school, and probably the pandemic plus political upheaval; you're under a lot of uncertainty and pressure right now. People move around, lots of people actually like moving around, not everyone is as intensely rooted in a single place as you are. I think as long as you are always honest about what your plans are, anybody who absolutely couldn't fathom the possibility will self-select out. It'll be okay.
posted by Lyn Never at 3:33 PM on November 23, 2020 [6 favorites]
I’ve moved long distance within the UK and understand that the US perspective is not necessarily helpful in this case. This distance is perceived as a long way in a UK context and many people here would perceive it as a big move, a significant life change, so I can see where your concerns are rooted. I moved from the south of England to Scotland and people down there look at me as if I’ve moved to the moon when I tell them that. And, frankly, a surprising number of people down south have an ill-informed negative view of Scotland (though I suspect that is changing rapidly as a result of Brexit and covid - you might find in 5 years time everyone is desperate to move up here!). But even so, even now, plenty of people would be up for moving to Edinburgh to be with the person they love.
But even with that perspective, I agree that you shouldn’t give up your professional goals for a total hypothetical. You’re ruminating on something you have no control over (“will my imaginary partner move to Edinburgh for me?”), which is the worst thing to ruminate on, because there’s no possible way to answer it and so no end to the rumination.
Look into treatment for your depression and accept a hug from this internet stranger. In normal times you’d have had the chance to get out and meet folk and bed in and start to feel more at home where you are and it would all feel more bearable. Do what you can to get through the next few months with your mental health intact, and then do your utmost to bloom where you’re planted and see what happens.
posted by penguin pie at 3:47 PM on November 23, 2020 [17 favorites]
But even with that perspective, I agree that you shouldn’t give up your professional goals for a total hypothetical. You’re ruminating on something you have no control over (“will my imaginary partner move to Edinburgh for me?”), which is the worst thing to ruminate on, because there’s no possible way to answer it and so no end to the rumination.
Look into treatment for your depression and accept a hug from this internet stranger. In normal times you’d have had the chance to get out and meet folk and bed in and start to feel more at home where you are and it would all feel more bearable. Do what you can to get through the next few months with your mental health intact, and then do your utmost to bloom where you’re planted and see what happens.
posted by penguin pie at 3:47 PM on November 23, 2020 [17 favorites]
My husband moved from a distant country - Croatia - to marry me (US) in 1985 after a chance meeting and slow letter courtship, an extinct phenomenon these days. We are still married, still happy in our partnership. He changed careers after moving, really taking a chance, and went back to school himself. He's done fine career-wise, while supporting my own career, and it has all worked out. I worked while he went to school, he worked while I finished my degree. In some sense it might be easier for you, because we had to deal with US immigration. Granted it was before 9/11, but it was definitely not nothing, I assure you. Croatia was part of Yugoslavia then, and it was much more difficult to navigate Immigration. We had our first child when I was 36, and our second when I was 38. These days that is practically normal.
I have a (US) childhood friend who married a Scot nearly 40 years ago who moved to Scotland and is still married, in Scotland. So yes, people move for love all the time and make it work. I think the secret sauce is a sense of partnership, of being in it together. You can't keep score about who is moving or if the rota of weekend travel is even. It's all about a partnership.
It doesn't matter in the end - where the geographic partners begin. Actually, what better reason to move than love?
posted by citygirl at 4:42 PM on November 23, 2020 [3 favorites]
I have a (US) childhood friend who married a Scot nearly 40 years ago who moved to Scotland and is still married, in Scotland. So yes, people move for love all the time and make it work. I think the secret sauce is a sense of partnership, of being in it together. You can't keep score about who is moving or if the rota of weekend travel is even. It's all about a partnership.
It doesn't matter in the end - where the geographic partners begin. Actually, what better reason to move than love?
posted by citygirl at 4:42 PM on November 23, 2020 [3 favorites]
My partner and I met in our early thirties when we were living 200 miles apart. I had a robust circle of friends but when I was able to get a job in their town after four years I took it.
I've been here 9 years now, married/house/kid. I don't see my old friends more than a couple times a year but we're still tight. I've made new friends here and probably know more people in town than my partner.
With nearly a decade's hindsight, I would still make the same decision.
posted by noloveforned at 5:43 PM on November 23, 2020 [5 favorites]
I've been here 9 years now, married/house/kid. I don't see my old friends more than a couple times a year but we're still tight. I've made new friends here and probably know more people in town than my partner.
With nearly a decade's hindsight, I would still make the same decision.
posted by noloveforned at 5:43 PM on November 23, 2020 [5 favorites]
I moved to the US from Australia around that age for love, we've been been married 13 years next April. I had however travelled a lot & already lived in 2 other countries so I was more prepared for the culture shock & missing home that can hit. I'd be curious as to how long you've been in the South of England because there is a weird surge in homesickness about the 3 month mark and again about the 1 year mark for most people.
My husband went out of his way to make sure I never felt trapped. I had a space set aside for me & my hobbies in his home, he insisted I had my own bank account with return airfare in so I could leave at any time I wanted for any reason. Knowing I could leave at any time made staying easier. Maybe setting up some sort of safety net so you knew you could leave at anytime might help you feel more secure in staying.
Having said that I was the one to move as I had the job & he had the career. If I had been in medical school or had a future career up my sleeve I'd have not moved & most likely my husband would have moved to be with me instead.
posted by wwax at 5:47 PM on November 23, 2020 [5 favorites]
My husband went out of his way to make sure I never felt trapped. I had a space set aside for me & my hobbies in his home, he insisted I had my own bank account with return airfare in so I could leave at any time I wanted for any reason. Knowing I could leave at any time made staying easier. Maybe setting up some sort of safety net so you knew you could leave at anytime might help you feel more secure in staying.
Having said that I was the one to move as I had the job & he had the career. If I had been in medical school or had a future career up my sleeve I'd have not moved & most likely my husband would have moved to be with me instead.
posted by wwax at 5:47 PM on November 23, 2020 [5 favorites]
My wife and I met in our mid-thirties and she moved from Japan to the US to be with me [she had never considered it before]. We are now debating moving to her country or even a third country.
Even among people who love their families, many move away, so not everyone is upset to move away from their hometown. Especially in this age where video calls are free and easy. Friends change as you go through life anyway, and again there are lots of ways to stay in touch.
Some people are very rooted, and either don't leave their hometowns or always want to move back. Others are more nomadic, and have no issue with moving for jobs or relationships. There are plenty of healthy partners in both categories.
posted by thefoxgod at 6:07 PM on November 23, 2020 [3 favorites]
Even among people who love their families, many move away, so not everyone is upset to move away from their hometown. Especially in this age where video calls are free and easy. Friends change as you go through life anyway, and again there are lots of ways to stay in touch.
Some people are very rooted, and either don't leave their hometowns or always want to move back. Others are more nomadic, and have no issue with moving for jobs or relationships. There are plenty of healthy partners in both categories.
posted by thefoxgod at 6:07 PM on November 23, 2020 [3 favorites]
Do NOT give up on your goals and potential for the sake of an actual never mind theoretical relationship.
(You could still meet a Scottish someone at 38, by the way, even if for argument’s sake you stayed single through your studies.)
As for what people do, sure, some move for love. The possible outcomes are too many to count, and there’s no way to know how much of we can dream up or relate will pertain or obtain. Life is full of interesting curveballs.
What you know now is you got into med school. Start there. The options after that will emerge in due time.
Do not give up on yourself out of fear, or for the idea of love.
posted by cotton dress sock at 7:15 PM on November 23, 2020 [4 favorites]
(You could still meet a Scottish someone at 38, by the way, even if for argument’s sake you stayed single through your studies.)
As for what people do, sure, some move for love. The possible outcomes are too many to count, and there’s no way to know how much of we can dream up or relate will pertain or obtain. Life is full of interesting curveballs.
What you know now is you got into med school. Start there. The options after that will emerge in due time.
Do not give up on yourself out of fear, or for the idea of love.
posted by cotton dress sock at 7:15 PM on November 23, 2020 [4 favorites]
Similar to a few of the previous posters, I moved across the country with my now-husband around that age. Two differences between us and your hypothetical:
1. I moved because I wanted to, not just to be with him. It was a good choice for me personally and professionally. It was to a place I'd always thought about moving.
2. He didn't have a plan or a timeline to make this move; an opportunity arose. I don't know if I would have wanted to be in a serious relationship with someone who has something like where we'd settle someday set in stone before we met. It's not about distance or ties/connections to any particular place, but for me it's about flexibility and making important decisions together, as partners.
None of this means that you can't want what you want or that you won't get it, by the way. It's just additional perspective/experience.
posted by sm1tten at 8:31 PM on November 23, 2020 [1 favorite]
1. I moved because I wanted to, not just to be with him. It was a good choice for me personally and professionally. It was to a place I'd always thought about moving.
2. He didn't have a plan or a timeline to make this move; an opportunity arose. I don't know if I would have wanted to be in a serious relationship with someone who has something like where we'd settle someday set in stone before we met. It's not about distance or ties/connections to any particular place, but for me it's about flexibility and making important decisions together, as partners.
None of this means that you can't want what you want or that you won't get it, by the way. It's just additional perspective/experience.
posted by sm1tten at 8:31 PM on November 23, 2020 [1 favorite]
In my academic field, it's considered lucky if moving to be with a partner doesn't require learning a new language. I can think of only four close colleagues and spouses who live within 1000km of where they went to grad school, fewer still when it comes to where they grew up. My closest friends all live in different time-zones. (So does my spouse at the moment, hopefully not forever. They're in timezone #3 in four years and a bit over 38.)
But, also, making bets on a person you haven't met yet is unlikely to be successful. What makes you think they'll have any more connection to the south than you? Being convinced to move to Edinburgh doesn't seem unhealthy to me. (I'd move there tomorrow if I could get a similar job. After talking it over with my spouse.) Then again, you may fall in love with an astronaut. Or someone from Delhi. You may love your careers so much that you decide living apart and summering together is worth it. You may both get jobs you love in New Zealand and never look back.
This random stranger on the internet who doesn't know you thinks there are many possible happy outcomes you haven't given proper weight to.
posted by eotvos at 8:58 PM on November 23, 2020 [3 favorites]
But, also, making bets on a person you haven't met yet is unlikely to be successful. What makes you think they'll have any more connection to the south than you? Being convinced to move to Edinburgh doesn't seem unhealthy to me. (I'd move there tomorrow if I could get a similar job. After talking it over with my spouse.) Then again, you may fall in love with an astronaut. Or someone from Delhi. You may love your careers so much that you decide living apart and summering together is worth it. You may both get jobs you love in New Zealand and never look back.
This random stranger on the internet who doesn't know you thinks there are many possible happy outcomes you haven't given proper weight to.
posted by eotvos at 8:58 PM on November 23, 2020 [3 favorites]
Academics do this literally all the time to solve the “two body problem.”
posted by en forme de poire at 9:23 PM on November 23, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by en forme de poire at 9:23 PM on November 23, 2020 [1 favorite]
But how many people would be happy at around 38 to leave their own roots and friends and life to move several hundred miles away for me?
you've just done exactly that for a professional program! you're not happy about it, but you're still doing it. there are certainly people in the world who will value you just as highly as you value a professional program. also, if it's the age of 38 that seems, from your current perspective, so aged and resistant to change, consider that a. it's not SO old, and b. if you don't agree, just find someone who'll be closer to 30 by then and avoid that part of the worry.
but it is strange to me that you seem to have written off any possibility that you'll be with someone by the end of med school that you love enough to stay with and practice medicine with where you already are at that point. you can't and shouldn't plan to do that now. but after five years of living in a place you would expect to feel differently about it than you do right now. it will not then be, for you, the unknown and rootless place that Scotland may be for your as-yet unknown partner.
you of course shouldn't sacrifice your desired medical career for the dream of a partner, or for a real partner either. but you might consider sacrificing your ideal location for both a really existing career and a really existing partner, in five years. this won't ever sound like a good deal while they're still hypothetical, and shouldn't. but if you have to sacrifice one of family, career, or location, it is strange to make location the only sacrosanct, untouchable variable.
on the bright side, if location really is the most important of the three for you, you are somewhat unusual, and yes, it is pretty likely that you could meet someone who's less attached to where they are than who they're with. it could all work out pretty easily.
posted by queenofbithynia at 9:28 PM on November 23, 2020 [5 favorites]
you've just done exactly that for a professional program! you're not happy about it, but you're still doing it. there are certainly people in the world who will value you just as highly as you value a professional program. also, if it's the age of 38 that seems, from your current perspective, so aged and resistant to change, consider that a. it's not SO old, and b. if you don't agree, just find someone who'll be closer to 30 by then and avoid that part of the worry.
but it is strange to me that you seem to have written off any possibility that you'll be with someone by the end of med school that you love enough to stay with and practice medicine with where you already are at that point. you can't and shouldn't plan to do that now. but after five years of living in a place you would expect to feel differently about it than you do right now. it will not then be, for you, the unknown and rootless place that Scotland may be for your as-yet unknown partner.
you of course shouldn't sacrifice your desired medical career for the dream of a partner, or for a real partner either. but you might consider sacrificing your ideal location for both a really existing career and a really existing partner, in five years. this won't ever sound like a good deal while they're still hypothetical, and shouldn't. but if you have to sacrifice one of family, career, or location, it is strange to make location the only sacrosanct, untouchable variable.
on the bright side, if location really is the most important of the three for you, you are somewhat unusual, and yes, it is pretty likely that you could meet someone who's less attached to where they are than who they're with. it could all work out pretty easily.
posted by queenofbithynia at 9:28 PM on November 23, 2020 [5 favorites]
How many people would be happy at around 38 to leave their own roots and friends and life to move several hundred miles away for me?
Only a few hundred miles? In the US this isn't all that unusual to do for an established partner.... it's close enough to visit on weekends even. But different cultures have very different views on this sort of thing I suppose.
Often a big issue for people considering moving for their partner is what there will be for them where they are moving -- can they get a job there, will they speak the language, will they be able to do their favorite hobbies, etc.
Also keep in mind there are possible partners to meet who would not be leaving their "roots". Many people have already moved far from their roots, or have moved around enough that another move isn't a huge issue for them.
And would someone who was willing to do that actually be kind of psychologically unhealthy, or lacking in close ties?
I think the bigger issue here is whether you believe that someone who would want to move with you is inherently psychologically unhealthy... if you feel that there's something wrong with people who don't have strong "roots" in a place and a deep seated desire to move back to where they were raised, you will not be a good partner for anyone who doesn't feel that way. It's fine to feel you have strong roots and want to return to them, but you need to let go of judgement of others who don't have that if you are going to look for a partner who you expect to return to your roots with you.
It seems like you might be from a community that sees moving away from your roots as indicating something negative about a person, you should think about they type of community you would be asking someone to move to with you. Is it a place that would welcome someone without roots there? Or will they always be seen as an outsider?
posted by yohko at 11:30 PM on November 23, 2020 [5 favorites]
Only a few hundred miles? In the US this isn't all that unusual to do for an established partner.... it's close enough to visit on weekends even. But different cultures have very different views on this sort of thing I suppose.
Often a big issue for people considering moving for their partner is what there will be for them where they are moving -- can they get a job there, will they speak the language, will they be able to do their favorite hobbies, etc.
Also keep in mind there are possible partners to meet who would not be leaving their "roots". Many people have already moved far from their roots, or have moved around enough that another move isn't a huge issue for them.
And would someone who was willing to do that actually be kind of psychologically unhealthy, or lacking in close ties?
I think the bigger issue here is whether you believe that someone who would want to move with you is inherently psychologically unhealthy... if you feel that there's something wrong with people who don't have strong "roots" in a place and a deep seated desire to move back to where they were raised, you will not be a good partner for anyone who doesn't feel that way. It's fine to feel you have strong roots and want to return to them, but you need to let go of judgement of others who don't have that if you are going to look for a partner who you expect to return to your roots with you.
It seems like you might be from a community that sees moving away from your roots as indicating something negative about a person, you should think about they type of community you would be asking someone to move to with you. Is it a place that would welcome someone without roots there? Or will they always be seen as an outsider?
posted by yohko at 11:30 PM on November 23, 2020 [5 favorites]
I did this at 40 for my now-husband and it was the best decision of my life. I've never been happier.
If it's the right person, it's worth it.
posted by Jacqueline at 1:28 AM on November 24, 2020 [1 favorite]
If it's the right person, it's worth it.
posted by Jacqueline at 1:28 AM on November 24, 2020 [1 favorite]
If someone else -- family member, significant other, poly cluster of lovers -- matters so much that they're on your personal list of 'can't not do', you can't not do it. This is OK. It doesn't have to be heart-rending and can be the quiet conviction that this is the right thing to do.
You're going to postgrad medecine, you're a hard worker to get a place on the course later in life. You're going to get the qualification because this, too, is something you can't not do. You're a a worthy person to build a life with. Take it from an internet stranger: if it's a good relationship for both of you, you're worth the move.
Pragmatically, have the conversation early on that home is still in Scotland and that's where you want to settle. Pragmatically also, as a cis-het male I'd move to be where my partner is able to raise children with the support of her family. We aren't nuclear families and it takes a village to raise a child, so investing in doing right by mother and child seem like good trade-offs for better relationship and child-rearing outcomes.
posted by k3ninho at 1:52 AM on November 24, 2020 [1 favorite]
You're going to postgrad medecine, you're a hard worker to get a place on the course later in life. You're going to get the qualification because this, too, is something you can't not do. You're a a worthy person to build a life with. Take it from an internet stranger: if it's a good relationship for both of you, you're worth the move.
Pragmatically, have the conversation early on that home is still in Scotland and that's where you want to settle. Pragmatically also, as a cis-het male I'd move to be where my partner is able to raise children with the support of her family. We aren't nuclear families and it takes a village to raise a child, so investing in doing right by mother and child seem like good trade-offs for better relationship and child-rearing outcomes.
posted by k3ninho at 1:52 AM on November 24, 2020 [1 favorite]
At 22, I went to med school about 400 miles from home and was very homesick and unhappy for years. This wasn't about a partner/potential partner, this was just me. I left the day after graduation and didn't look back.
I'm glad in some ways I stuck with it (there was a particular program that was literally only available at that university at the time) but in more ways, I wish I'd sought a transfer back home. It sounds like you've explored that route already. You may also have explored solo parenting (sperm donor or adoption) and decided it's not for you.
Look, five years is a long time to be unhappy, and med school is hard. Whatever you decide, make sure you have a strong support system outside of a hypothetical partner. Psychologically healthy, to me, means having the means and opportunities to explore your own interests and career trajectory, without relying on your partner.
(For another move-across-the-world anecdote, my mom followed my dad from India to the US, in the early 1980s. They've been married 37 years. Are they psychologically healthy? I dunno, they are weird in the way that parents are always weird, but they are happy with each other after nearly four decades and I think that's about as good as it gets.)
posted by basalganglia at 2:53 AM on November 24, 2020 [4 favorites]
I'm glad in some ways I stuck with it (there was a particular program that was literally only available at that university at the time) but in more ways, I wish I'd sought a transfer back home. It sounds like you've explored that route already. You may also have explored solo parenting (sperm donor or adoption) and decided it's not for you.
Look, five years is a long time to be unhappy, and med school is hard. Whatever you decide, make sure you have a strong support system outside of a hypothetical partner. Psychologically healthy, to me, means having the means and opportunities to explore your own interests and career trajectory, without relying on your partner.
(For another move-across-the-world anecdote, my mom followed my dad from India to the US, in the early 1980s. They've been married 37 years. Are they psychologically healthy? I dunno, they are weird in the way that parents are always weird, but they are happy with each other after nearly four decades and I think that's about as good as it gets.)
posted by basalganglia at 2:53 AM on November 24, 2020 [4 favorites]
Don't forget that a lot of people live in the south east of England essentially because they feel like they have to when building their early career, or to be close to family members who are unlikely to still be alive when they themselves are in the second halves of their own lives. I know plenty of people for whom the dream, ultimately, is to get out of London or wherever and live somewhere quieter/more rural.
My partner and I are roughly your age and only in the last year or so have we begun to talk seriously about wanting to move somewhere like Scotland or rural Wales eventually, depending on how some career and money stuff plays out in the meantime.
What you're hoping to do in the longer term is likely to be very attractive to at least a subset of the people you could meet in the life you're currently embarking on, don't write that possibility off now if you don't need to!
And, as other commenters have mentioned, it's not the other side of the world. My family live in Devon, and it's only a 13-hour drive there from John O'Groats (as I found out the other day when idly looking at ultra-rural properties in Scotland on Rightmove); the same drive barely takes you 1/3 of the way across the US.
posted by terretu at 4:51 AM on November 24, 2020 [2 favorites]
My partner and I are roughly your age and only in the last year or so have we begun to talk seriously about wanting to move somewhere like Scotland or rural Wales eventually, depending on how some career and money stuff plays out in the meantime.
What you're hoping to do in the longer term is likely to be very attractive to at least a subset of the people you could meet in the life you're currently embarking on, don't write that possibility off now if you don't need to!
And, as other commenters have mentioned, it's not the other side of the world. My family live in Devon, and it's only a 13-hour drive there from John O'Groats (as I found out the other day when idly looking at ultra-rural properties in Scotland on Rightmove); the same drive barely takes you 1/3 of the way across the US.
posted by terretu at 4:51 AM on November 24, 2020 [2 favorites]
I moved countries for love (and it was great to leave the US during Bush II, gotta say) then ditched the spouse and kept the country! I moved at 30. Still here at 46. My career has definitely not been what it would have been, but I feel like my life has been more fun.
posted by wellred at 6:04 AM on November 24, 2020
posted by wellred at 6:04 AM on November 24, 2020
I moved 1200+ miles away for my now-wife and then she moved the entire breadth of the continent when I convinced her to try to live outside her hometown, which I loathed. I was 32 for the first move and 35 for the second - she's a few years younger. It was a big step but 100% worth it.
posted by restless_nomad at 7:00 AM on November 24, 2020
posted by restless_nomad at 7:00 AM on November 24, 2020
I didn't move for love, but I stayed in the country of my 3-year position for love. That was 19 years ago. I don't really like the USA. I'm from New Zealand. But a person is far more important to me than a place. Pretty sure that's not psychologically unhealthy of me. Plenty of people think the same. And plenty of people don't. Either are totally valid ways of being.
(Also South of England is not far from Edinburgh. Possibly my viewpoint is askew because when people leave New Zealand - which so many of us do - we are much, much further from each other than that.)
posted by gaspode at 9:38 AM on November 24, 2020
(Also South of England is not far from Edinburgh. Possibly my viewpoint is askew because when people leave New Zealand - which so many of us do - we are much, much further from each other than that.)
posted by gaspode at 9:38 AM on November 24, 2020
This kind of sounds like depression talking to me, and I would say before you make any big decisions, make sure you are pursuing treatment. Additionally, I spent a few career years Not Doing Things because I thought I would be pregnant any nanosecond, which ended up taking almost 10 years.
I encourage you to take steps to pursue your dreams -- if those dreams have changed, that's one thing, but if you're leaving them behind based on a theoretical partner who doesn't exist yet, that's another thing. It sounds like you didn't get into your first-choice schools and are finding your second-choice school lackluster. I made a huge mistake when I was in school staying at a school that didn't fit me, but taking on that failure as if it was the wrong career path. It wasn't, it was the wrong school. Even staying, if I had been able to affirm to myself that it was just a bad match and not about me, my life would have been better. I just add these experiences in for your thoughts.
To answer the actual question, I know many people who have moved for their partners and there's nothing wrong with them. My husband's "land of spirit" is the Okanagan mountains in British Columbia, so across the country, but he's lived with me in Toronto for decades and he's fine. It did impact our choice of housing and we live further from downtown than I wanted to originally, so that he could gaze upon the Scarborough bluffs (of Toronto, I know the UK has some :)) and I actually now am in love with that choice.
posted by warriorqueen at 9:48 AM on November 24, 2020 [1 favorite]
I encourage you to take steps to pursue your dreams -- if those dreams have changed, that's one thing, but if you're leaving them behind based on a theoretical partner who doesn't exist yet, that's another thing. It sounds like you didn't get into your first-choice schools and are finding your second-choice school lackluster. I made a huge mistake when I was in school staying at a school that didn't fit me, but taking on that failure as if it was the wrong career path. It wasn't, it was the wrong school. Even staying, if I had been able to affirm to myself that it was just a bad match and not about me, my life would have been better. I just add these experiences in for your thoughts.
To answer the actual question, I know many people who have moved for their partners and there's nothing wrong with them. My husband's "land of spirit" is the Okanagan mountains in British Columbia, so across the country, but he's lived with me in Toronto for decades and he's fine. It did impact our choice of housing and we live further from downtown than I wanted to originally, so that he could gaze upon the Scarborough bluffs (of Toronto, I know the UK has some :)) and I actually now am in love with that choice.
posted by warriorqueen at 9:48 AM on November 24, 2020 [1 favorite]
I moved to a different country for love, don't regret it, and would be happy to chat with you about it in detail/answer any questions you may have if you'd like to Memail me.
posted by nightrecordings at 10:54 AM on November 24, 2020
posted by nightrecordings at 10:54 AM on November 24, 2020
I moved. I stayed abroad, and I would it again. I am mostly happy. I wasn't 38, but I was an adult, and, like many big life questions, it can change again. Would I even do everything exactly the same? No. I did the best I could with the person I was in the situation I was in. I struggle at times to forgive myself for some of my decisions. It's hard. You can't know what or who the future you will be, so I also tried out possible scenarios as they helped guide all the small, incremental life building decisions and large, abrupt life changing decisions.
I did a whole bunch of grad school when I was your age. I started with a spouse, but know that about half of those sort of grad students don't end their program with their partner in programs like medicine and law. It's the sort of very good question to ask that truly measures your uni's work/life balance promise. I completed my program with my spouse, and a whole new kid, which is totally amazing but my god exhausting. You are not behind.
A better choice for grad school could have been made by me, and if there is one piece of advice here it's to really sit down and talk to real people who had gone through what you are thinking of. It's old ask.mefi advice. Talk to recent grads. Early career, but not so far out it's just their personal myth. Ask them the hard questions the fears, the trade offs. It will ground your fears. It would have helped me immensely. Your school will offer up their pet stars - ask those folks for their peers to talk to. They will talk.
Back to the psychology of someone who choose to move and move again. I live in a beautiful place. Things are mostly good for me. But my sense of home is notably small - just a few people and a modest house. I mostly don't have that larger feeling past my small community. After Trump, I can't see how it will ever be 'my' society. Nonetheless I am a part of it, it's just lately I have been feeling that lack all the more acutely.
I miss where I am from. But that isn't a simple feeling either. When I return, it's a different place to me. I am different as well. During the many years of grad school I had no time for culture - it was like I was frozen. Now when I visit the years make the gap bigger and I feel and sound like a tourist. Of course, where I am from, tourists are particularly loathed. On a good day I am a chameleon, and I laugh when others laugh, and perhaps one day I will feel settled. But I am not yet. I have traded that part of me for a new life with my small family, a modest career, an expanse of the world much larger than the quiet place I am from. It is enough.
I like being from the place/time I am from and and sometimes I celebrate it but sometimes I just have to put out of my mind. And one of the hard parts is that for most people in my life, they won't even see that chasm, see how I go from a proud expat to a quiet self exile. How I always choose to be here and there. It's only complicated to folks with a single dimension for that part of their identity, and embrace the certainty that comes with that.
I understand why people might think I would be unhappy in a big American city. A good Canadian doesn't move to the States, even many Americans can't fathom choosing a life here. It's not just their anxieties and fears are projected onto me - they would like to think they would make a different decision if they were me. But mostly folks didn't make any decision at all - they just stayed put, not far from where their parents happen to sex them into the world. By choosing this path I joined a class of folks who decided on a completely different life for themselves, and my world is so much larger for it. I have mostly made peace with being a bad Canadian, and an imitation of an American.
To answer your question: yes, it is possible to have roots and like where and who you are and choose to move for a relationship with a single person. But it never really was a binary decision to choose between a person and a place - it was a process we took together. It forced me to grow, it transformed me. I didn't know how the details would work out, if the relationship would last, there was and remains so much uncertainty and I had no idea how much work it would take. It would still be worth it even if it was just for me, just for my own journey. But it's our journey.
posted by zenon at 10:56 AM on November 24, 2020 [1 favorite]
I did a whole bunch of grad school when I was your age. I started with a spouse, but know that about half of those sort of grad students don't end their program with their partner in programs like medicine and law. It's the sort of very good question to ask that truly measures your uni's work/life balance promise. I completed my program with my spouse, and a whole new kid, which is totally amazing but my god exhausting. You are not behind.
A better choice for grad school could have been made by me, and if there is one piece of advice here it's to really sit down and talk to real people who had gone through what you are thinking of. It's old ask.mefi advice. Talk to recent grads. Early career, but not so far out it's just their personal myth. Ask them the hard questions the fears, the trade offs. It will ground your fears. It would have helped me immensely. Your school will offer up their pet stars - ask those folks for their peers to talk to. They will talk.
Back to the psychology of someone who choose to move and move again. I live in a beautiful place. Things are mostly good for me. But my sense of home is notably small - just a few people and a modest house. I mostly don't have that larger feeling past my small community. After Trump, I can't see how it will ever be 'my' society. Nonetheless I am a part of it, it's just lately I have been feeling that lack all the more acutely.
I miss where I am from. But that isn't a simple feeling either. When I return, it's a different place to me. I am different as well. During the many years of grad school I had no time for culture - it was like I was frozen. Now when I visit the years make the gap bigger and I feel and sound like a tourist. Of course, where I am from, tourists are particularly loathed. On a good day I am a chameleon, and I laugh when others laugh, and perhaps one day I will feel settled. But I am not yet. I have traded that part of me for a new life with my small family, a modest career, an expanse of the world much larger than the quiet place I am from. It is enough.
I like being from the place/time I am from and and sometimes I celebrate it but sometimes I just have to put out of my mind. And one of the hard parts is that for most people in my life, they won't even see that chasm, see how I go from a proud expat to a quiet self exile. How I always choose to be here and there. It's only complicated to folks with a single dimension for that part of their identity, and embrace the certainty that comes with that.
I understand why people might think I would be unhappy in a big American city. A good Canadian doesn't move to the States, even many Americans can't fathom choosing a life here. It's not just their anxieties and fears are projected onto me - they would like to think they would make a different decision if they were me. But mostly folks didn't make any decision at all - they just stayed put, not far from where their parents happen to sex them into the world. By choosing this path I joined a class of folks who decided on a completely different life for themselves, and my world is so much larger for it. I have mostly made peace with being a bad Canadian, and an imitation of an American.
To answer your question: yes, it is possible to have roots and like where and who you are and choose to move for a relationship with a single person. But it never really was a binary decision to choose between a person and a place - it was a process we took together. It forced me to grow, it transformed me. I didn't know how the details would work out, if the relationship would last, there was and remains so much uncertainty and I had no idea how much work it would take. It would still be worth it even if it was just for me, just for my own journey. But it's our journey.
posted by zenon at 10:56 AM on November 24, 2020 [1 favorite]
How serendipitous warriorqueen, I am also from near that region of BC.
posted by zenon at 10:58 AM on November 24, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by zenon at 10:58 AM on November 24, 2020 [1 favorite]
I've moved for love. There's nothing intrinsically healthy or unhealthy about being willing to move for a relationship - whether or not it is a healthy decision to do so is determined by the situation and the people involved. There are plenty of good, healthy reasons why someone would be willing to move to a new place - they aren't attached to where they currently live, they have limited family and are less rooted, etc.
That said, I do think it's important to realize that once you find a partner, any decisions that are made about your shared life will ideally be collaborative and flexible enough to meet the needs of both parties. You can make the requirement that you'll ultimately end up in Scotland a non-negotiable, but it will definitely open up your options if you at least create space for different scenarios. Most people would want their partner to at least be open to discussing a myriad of options/outcomes for where life will take you together, especially if opportunities present themselves that could lead you both elsewhere.
Whatever you choose, I wholeheartedly agree that you should date now. It's not unreasonable to think you could find a good partner who is willing to move, or to at least consider it and you definitely won't find them if you aren't dating at all.
posted by amycup at 12:10 PM on November 24, 2020
That said, I do think it's important to realize that once you find a partner, any decisions that are made about your shared life will ideally be collaborative and flexible enough to meet the needs of both parties. You can make the requirement that you'll ultimately end up in Scotland a non-negotiable, but it will definitely open up your options if you at least create space for different scenarios. Most people would want their partner to at least be open to discussing a myriad of options/outcomes for where life will take you together, especially if opportunities present themselves that could lead you both elsewhere.
Whatever you choose, I wholeheartedly agree that you should date now. It's not unreasonable to think you could find a good partner who is willing to move, or to at least consider it and you definitely won't find them if you aren't dating at all.
posted by amycup at 12:10 PM on November 24, 2020
Not only do I not think that moving for love is psychologically unhealthy, I actually think it’s the opposite. Someone who is adventurous enough to try a whole new city or country is probably flexible enough to deal with many other issues that a relationship can throw at them. They’re open minded and willing to put themselves out there to start a whole new life, job, meet new friends... why would you think to preemptively reject someone like that?! Much better than someone else whose stuck in their ways and won’t step out of their comfort zone.
posted by Jubey at 3:35 PM on November 24, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by Jubey at 3:35 PM on November 24, 2020 [1 favorite]
Life is unpredictable... Even if you move to your home city, that doesn't necessarily mean that everything will work perfect. You might get divorced, your husband might get a job elsewhere, your friends might move somewhere else... In England you may find a person you will fall in love with and will make you not want to move back home anymore... who knows? I have moved countries in my early thirties and now in my late thirties, I am planning to do it again, and I do not have psychological problems. This is the way life worked out for me. Not everyone lives traditional lives and that is fine, that does not mean they're messed up. Life sometimes takes us to unexpected places and different people have different priorities and needs. So I don't think it is a good idea to cut off your career abruptly over something like this.
posted by Fromthesouth at 5:37 PM on November 24, 2020
posted by Fromthesouth at 5:37 PM on November 24, 2020
Five years is such a long time there is no point in planning what could happen between now and then. And 38 is definitely not too old to find someone new and have kids either. Anything might happen.
But to answer your specific question, if you love someone you would definitely move with them. Not necessarily *for* them, but *with* them as a joint decision you both make freely together.
Note for US residents : there's an immense cultural and climate difference between Edinburgh and the south of England, and it wouldn't be unusual to find some who was vehemently against moving from one to the other
posted by tillsbury at 10:42 PM on November 24, 2020
But to answer your specific question, if you love someone you would definitely move with them. Not necessarily *for* them, but *with* them as a joint decision you both make freely together.
Note for US residents : there's an immense cultural and climate difference between Edinburgh and the south of England, and it wouldn't be unusual to find some who was vehemently against moving from one to the other
posted by tillsbury at 10:42 PM on November 24, 2020
Adding to the chorus, don't factor this in when you're making the decision on what to do. Make that decision based only on what you want.
My SO did this for me when we were mid 30s, we moved back three years ago, and it's worked out pretty great. I told him I wanted to move home when we'd been dating only a few weeks. It was a good way to tell if he was really serious about us to be honest!
posted by greenish at 5:30 AM on November 30, 2020
My SO did this for me when we were mid 30s, we moved back three years ago, and it's worked out pretty great. I told him I wanted to move home when we'd been dating only a few weeks. It was a good way to tell if he was really serious about us to be honest!
posted by greenish at 5:30 AM on November 30, 2020
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This is a hard year and medical school is a huge challenge. Of course you are stressed out. I think this question is more about your overstressed brain trying to find exit strategies than about anything real.
You'll be ok. Congrats on getting into med school!!
posted by phunniemee at 2:39 PM on November 23, 2020 [63 favorites]