Step 1: acquire baby. Step 2: ?

November 9, 2020 8:41 AM

What are some very basic, simple, parenting101 guides or resources for people with essentially no previous experience with young kids? Asking for a friend.

My friend is a little overwhelmed at sifting through the huge amount of info out there. What are some good starting points for someone who is currently very unfamiliar with kids but wants to be a parent in the near future? More in the realm of discipline/getting kids to behave appropriately instead of just doing whatever they want, rather than the more practical stuff like keeping them alive and healthy. Nothing is too obvious or basic, and specific guidelines or instructions are strongly preferred over general philosophy.

Bonus points for some resources aimed at neurodivergent parents (ADHD, suspected ASD) but more general guides are also wanted. Ideally, these would be science-based resources that take into account any recent discoveries about child psychology.

posted by randomnity to Human Relations (7 answers total)

I really liked Your Baby and Child by Penelope Leach, when I had my first baby. There's a lot in there about behavior related to developmental milestones which really helped me, like when I was learning how to wrap my head around seeing baby and toddler meltdowns as "their needs aren't being met and they don't know how to handle it" instead of "they're misbehaving/mad at me/trying to frustrate me."
posted by beandip at 9:00 AM on November 9, 2020 [4 favorites]

I have a 15 month old and have been reading the following books at the recommendation of my therapist specifically on the discipline piece (sorry, on mobile so I wasn't able to provide links!).
- The Whole-Brain Child
- No-Drama Discipline: The Whole-Brain Way to Calm the Chaos and Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind
- 1-2-3 MAGIC
- How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen: A Survival Guide to Life with Children Ages 2-7

The Whole Brain Child book in particular is awesome and based on a bunch of recent developments in our understanding of infant and child brain development. I also loved Cribsheets, which takes a evidence based look at common practices and advice during the first 12 months. I also really like listening to the Respectful Parenting podcast by Janet Lansbury
posted by snowysoul at 9:05 AM on November 9, 2020 [5 favorites]

I really like How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk. I've read the little kids version, too, and I feel like to get the most out of the little kids version, it's useful to read the original, first.

Also, not quite the same, but see my previous question.
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 10:47 AM on November 9, 2020 [2 favorites]

Agree with snowysoul, except for 123 Magic. Siegel and Bryson, the authors of Whole Brain Child and No-Drama Discipline, have also written workbooks that go along with both books.

I am also pushing Janet Lansbury today, as her approach really resonated with me - a respectful relationship with your child, not a dictatorial one. She has two books, No Bad Kids, and Elevating Childcare, and a podcast called Unruffled which provides practical advice to listeners' problems.

Regarding eating and feeding, the Ellyn Satter Institute has a guide for different ages and stages here: https://www.ellynsatterinstitute.org/how-to-feed/child-feeding-ages-and-stages/. Satter is a dietician and psychotherapist who focuses on child eating issues (picky eating etc) and how to prevent them, by giving the child control over if and how much they eat, and removing mealtime battles.
posted by sizeable beetle at 11:36 AM on November 9, 2020 [3 favorites]

Agreeing with recommendations for The Whole Brain Child by Dr. Dan Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson. Source: little kid therapist! This is the #1 parenting book I refer parents to.
posted by fairlynearlyready at 11:01 PM on November 9, 2020 [1 favorite]

Nthing Whole Brain Child. But to be honest, books are fine and all but I'd also encourage them to think about what parents within their social group (including their own parents) have done, discuss the effectiveness and adapt those ideas to their household. My partner and I talked for years about what we thought worked or didn't work for our social group before we ever had a child and those conversations greatly aided us by having a shared language of parenting between us and clarity about what we, as individuals and as a couple, wanted and didn't want to do. Also something that I found worth doing is prior to being a parent I reached out to members of my social group that played the role of "dad" in their family structures and asked in an open ended way for advice, anecdotes, tips, regrets, and failures about their parenting from hindsight. Framing of the question is important to garner decent answers - I approached it as an anthropological study. As a result it elicited interesting answers and while there were many things that frankly were not important to me, there were many things I hadn't considered prior to being a parent that still resonate to this day.
posted by Ashwagandha at 12:01 PM on November 10, 2020 [1 favorite]

Everything I know about parenting I learned from Reddit. I am too lazy and unfocused to read books but ever question you can possibly imagine has been asked many times on various subreddits (start with Babybumps and then branch out, join a bumpers subreddit when expecting).
posted by stray at 11:15 PM on November 10, 2020 [1 favorite]