How to deal with a child's STRONG preference for one parent
November 9, 2020 5:59 AM Subscribe
My wife and I have two boys aged 3.3 and 1.2. The three-year old has a STRONG preference for me (his dad), and has since he was about a year and eight months. My wife and I have different parenting styles, but she's a good mother. But when he gets hurt, wants something, or if I'm around to do things like bedtime, he insists on me and has tantrums if we insist his mother will handle. He yells he doesn't like her, only wants me, etc. Has anyone else dealt with this? Tips? Is this within the range of normal?
Some background, my wife stays at home with the kids currently and has since the first was born. I work fairly long hours, though (pre-COVID) spent a couple hours with my son in the morning and walked him to school and then typically didn't see him again during the day. I'd spend most of the weekend with him. Now it's similar, except I tend to also do bedtime every night as I'm working from home.
To be clear, I think my older son a wonderful boy. He's very verbal, incredibly imaginative, adventurous, fun, funny, and I love spending time with him. We would just like tools to address this issue.
He's definitely better with my wife when I'm not around, but even then he can flip out when we realizes I'm not going to be home to do bedtime or walk him to school. When I am around, though, it is a fight - a long drawn out fight with like a 15 minute tantrum and screaming - for my wife to walk him to school or do bedtime. And if something happens during the day - he gets hurt or my wife does something he doesn't like - he will run to wear I'm working and insist I comfort him, and if I tell him I'm on a call, he'll again have a tantrum if my wife tries to pull him out.
My main concern with this behavior is that it is really hard on my wife, who I love. But I also don't like it myself - it presents a lot of work from home issues. And I worry it's not good for my son - he has two great parents, and I want him to appreciate, listen to, and love both of us. I'm probably a more high energy parent - more wrestling, silliness, big funny voices when reading stories, and I play along more with his imagining I'd say. But my wife does more art with him which he loves, finds fun activities for them to do together, reads great books, dances with him, and loves spending time outdoors with him on hikes. He really does have a lot of fun with her when they're doing these activities.
When we say his mom is going to do something, we stick with it despite tantrums and I have her back and say I won't do it no matter how much he screams. But given how long this has lasted, we probably have started organizing our lives to avoid these fights as much as we can. And there are times where I'm tied up with work, or unavailable, and it would be very nice if that didn't inevitably lead to a huge scene that leaves his mother feeling drained and disheartened.
Any tips would be greatly appreciated! Also appreciate a gut check as to whether this is within the range of normal or not...
Some background, my wife stays at home with the kids currently and has since the first was born. I work fairly long hours, though (pre-COVID) spent a couple hours with my son in the morning and walked him to school and then typically didn't see him again during the day. I'd spend most of the weekend with him. Now it's similar, except I tend to also do bedtime every night as I'm working from home.
To be clear, I think my older son a wonderful boy. He's very verbal, incredibly imaginative, adventurous, fun, funny, and I love spending time with him. We would just like tools to address this issue.
He's definitely better with my wife when I'm not around, but even then he can flip out when we realizes I'm not going to be home to do bedtime or walk him to school. When I am around, though, it is a fight - a long drawn out fight with like a 15 minute tantrum and screaming - for my wife to walk him to school or do bedtime. And if something happens during the day - he gets hurt or my wife does something he doesn't like - he will run to wear I'm working and insist I comfort him, and if I tell him I'm on a call, he'll again have a tantrum if my wife tries to pull him out.
My main concern with this behavior is that it is really hard on my wife, who I love. But I also don't like it myself - it presents a lot of work from home issues. And I worry it's not good for my son - he has two great parents, and I want him to appreciate, listen to, and love both of us. I'm probably a more high energy parent - more wrestling, silliness, big funny voices when reading stories, and I play along more with his imagining I'd say. But my wife does more art with him which he loves, finds fun activities for them to do together, reads great books, dances with him, and loves spending time outdoors with him on hikes. He really does have a lot of fun with her when they're doing these activities.
When we say his mom is going to do something, we stick with it despite tantrums and I have her back and say I won't do it no matter how much he screams. But given how long this has lasted, we probably have started organizing our lives to avoid these fights as much as we can. And there are times where I'm tied up with work, or unavailable, and it would be very nice if that didn't inevitably lead to a huge scene that leaves his mother feeling drained and disheartened.
Any tips would be greatly appreciated! Also appreciate a gut check as to whether this is within the range of normal or not...
I think it’s within normal for a three year old...because they are by nature hugely oppositional and it sounds like he’s found a way to get a guaranteed response (which is not a slam on your parenting, this is what they excel at.)
If it’s still an issue in a year I’d revisit. Meanwhile it sounds like you’re doing everything you can.
posted by warriorqueen at 6:16 AM on November 9, 2020 [3 favorites]
If it’s still an issue in a year I’d revisit. Meanwhile it sounds like you’re doing everything you can.
posted by warriorqueen at 6:16 AM on November 9, 2020 [3 favorites]
Janet Lansbury, as ever, has some great advice for this situation: https://www.janetlansbury.com/2015/02/when-children-prefer-one-parent/
We are going through this in our household right now and have found her approach helpful for reframing how we see the situation as the preferred/non-preferred parent, and also on changes we can make to our own behaviour to help our kid through it.
posted by sizeable beetle at 6:24 AM on November 9, 2020 [6 favorites]
We are going through this in our household right now and have found her approach helpful for reframing how we see the situation as the preferred/non-preferred parent, and also on changes we can make to our own behaviour to help our kid through it.
posted by sizeable beetle at 6:24 AM on November 9, 2020 [6 favorites]
He's not telling you he loves you more. He's telling you that routine of bedtime and morning walk with you is important to him. Object permanence is shaky in kids this age -- when you're unavailable all day, he's not sure you're ever coming back. If mom took a weeklong trip alone, you'd quickly see how much he values and loves her. You're doing all the right things and this too shall pass. In the meantime, you expressing your appreciation for your wife and your confidence that your little loves you both equally is important.
posted by shadygrove at 6:29 AM on November 9, 2020 [21 favorites]
posted by shadygrove at 6:29 AM on November 9, 2020 [21 favorites]
Yeah just wait it out and don't make a big deal about it.
posted by RajahKing at 7:23 AM on November 9, 2020
posted by RajahKing at 7:23 AM on November 9, 2020
I am the not preferred parent, and I try really hard not to take it personally. When there's something that my wife can't do / won't do, or I just want to do it more, we tell her what's going to happen, validate feelings, reassure, wait out feelings and then do the thing consistently. There really isn't anything else to be done. No one, even adults, can treat two different human beings in exactly the same way. We just don't want the exact same things from different people. Once she's calm again we do whatever it is that needs to happen next.
posted by AlexiaSky at 7:28 AM on November 9, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by AlexiaSky at 7:28 AM on November 9, 2020 [1 favorite]
Just ignore it. Parents decide who does what and when with the kids. If you let this bother you or change your behaviour, all you'll be doing is teaching a three-year-old how to manipulate you.
posted by jazh at 7:34 AM on November 9, 2020 [4 favorites]
posted by jazh at 7:34 AM on November 9, 2020 [4 favorites]
Yes, this is normal. One thing to consider is if your child might be having some sensory issues that he can’t express yet? For us, our now 4.5 year old didn’t like my husband at that age. For a start my husband tends to chuckle and this offended my son deeply because he thought he was being laughed at... then toss on top of that the sensory issues- my husband was “too loud” and “too furry” so my son loved him but didn’t really like being around him or hugging him. I’m happy to report that it’s smoothed out now and he loves his dad and likes us about the same now.
posted by pairofshades at 7:38 AM on November 9, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by pairofshades at 7:38 AM on November 9, 2020 [1 favorite]
Also, could it be that your son prefers you and is struggling with the transitions that aren’t with you? Then it would help you to really prep him for transitions. I would really spell it out to him in the mornings what his day will be like and who will be doing what with him (remind him throughout the day) and build in rewards.
posted by pairofshades at 7:44 AM on November 9, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by pairofshades at 7:44 AM on November 9, 2020 [1 favorite]
Like shadygrove says kids like routine. My wife is the bedperson (my youngest is 7 now, she still wants mom to lay and tell a story for a few minutes) and I'm the wake-up person. They don't really like it when that dynamic is changed.
posted by The_Vegetables at 8:01 AM on November 9, 2020 [2 favorites]
posted by The_Vegetables at 8:01 AM on November 9, 2020 [2 favorites]
It is OK for kids to have a preference, anything like that is OK as long as their behavior to the other parent is good also. This is the time for them to learn about what is acceptable, anyway. There is a stretch for kids where the smarter they are, the harder it is to hook up their reality to the larger reality in a way that is healthy and meaningful for them. Since our world is certifiably crazy, I stand by letting kids find their own emotional keel among those who love them. Being more comfortable with one parent is OK and maybe he has noticed a "similaritiy" between the two of you, that is not present in Mom. You can never tell how kids stack things up. Sometimes your personal electritity, ( and that exists,) is more comforting than another's. One of my kids HAD to be on her dad's chest in a carrier, had to swing for at least an hour a day, this all before her second year. She had visceral preferences. People can't say that other's feelings are invalid, even if they are your small children. This is the space where you let your children fill out into their emotional bodies, and parents let them know that how they are is more than OK, it is good, it is wonderful. It takes bravery and cunning to get kids rounded, and happy, and safe inside themselves.
posted by Oyéah at 8:37 AM on November 9, 2020
posted by Oyéah at 8:37 AM on November 9, 2020
Just adding to the chorus that this is absolutely normal. In my experience, the mother is usually the preferred parent, so you've joined a pretty exclusive club.
posted by ellenaim at 9:03 AM on November 9, 2020
posted by ellenaim at 9:03 AM on November 9, 2020
I think the length of time is a little intense, and I wouldn't be surprised if it turned out that the child had a special challenge going on, either sensorily or with anxiety. I would pursue checking it out with a developmental pediatrician, just because if it's something specific, why not get help with it and make everyone's life more peaceful? It can't be fun for the child to feel this upset so often. Meanwhile, I would work on not avoiding the situation, because that shows the child that their big feelings are too much to handle. And you can also spend some time reading about tantrums in general and how to handle them so that the child can work through their feelings safely and without harming anyone with words or violence.
posted by xo at 9:17 AM on November 9, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by xo at 9:17 AM on November 9, 2020 [1 favorite]
Yeah just wait it out and don't make a big deal about it.
Yes. From personal experience, I can tell you the pendulum will swing back the other way, and for a year or two it'll be like you don't even exist, heh.
posted by sideshow at 10:09 AM on November 9, 2020
Yes. From personal experience, I can tell you the pendulum will swing back the other way, and for a year or two it'll be like you don't even exist, heh.
posted by sideshow at 10:09 AM on November 9, 2020
Definitely within the range of normal. My oldest son MARKEDLY preferred my husband. To the extent that, observing one particular situation, his 4 year old younger sibling helpfully explained to me "Gilbert just likes Dad better than you Mom." Thanks kid, got it.
In fact, he preferred ALL MEN. Any time we were at a playground where a dad was there with his kids, my son would try to horn in on the dad action. You would have assumed he was a fatherless child starved for a male role model.
I repeat what others have said. Don't take it personally, don't let the kid call the shots, the parents decide how things are going to go, not the kid, insist on respect.
As he got older it definitely eased up. He's 20 now and, honestly? I think he STILL prefers my husband, BUT he's also very loving toward me and tells me all the time how grateful he is that I'm his mom, and once in awhile even apologizes for some remembered snottery. Miracles do happen!
posted by Jenny'sCricket at 12:13 PM on November 9, 2020 [1 favorite]
In fact, he preferred ALL MEN. Any time we were at a playground where a dad was there with his kids, my son would try to horn in on the dad action. You would have assumed he was a fatherless child starved for a male role model.
I repeat what others have said. Don't take it personally, don't let the kid call the shots, the parents decide how things are going to go, not the kid, insist on respect.
As he got older it definitely eased up. He's 20 now and, honestly? I think he STILL prefers my husband, BUT he's also very loving toward me and tells me all the time how grateful he is that I'm his mom, and once in awhile even apologizes for some remembered snottery. Miracles do happen!
posted by Jenny'sCricket at 12:13 PM on November 9, 2020 [1 favorite]
Did your son develop a preference for you around the time the baby was born, when maybe he started getting a lot less attention from mom because... there was a whole new human around?
posted by bluedaisy at 10:47 PM on November 9, 2020 [2 favorites]
posted by bluedaisy at 10:47 PM on November 9, 2020 [2 favorites]
Hi, this is within the range of normal. I would also wonder how close this change came on the heels of the Dread Sibling's arrival, as sometimes the shifting of the family structure can really throw kids off a bit. Also, another commenter mentioned that you're letting your child manipulate you. I wanted to state that a 3 year old is not capable of "manipulation" as adults think of it, as their brain development is not far enough along to be able to do that. Their behavior is an attempt at communication, because they don't have the words for complex emotions yet! This could very well be your kiddo trying to say, "It's so important to me to hang out with you!" I often recommend parents work on naming the feeling you think kiddo is actually feeling under the tantrum, such as: "You want to spend more time with me, don't you? It doesn't always feel like enough and you're sad!" Do your best to name it while keeping yourself regulated and you'll help kiddo better understand himself, which eventually develops into the ability to use words to state what he wants and needs. And remember, you are both doing great.
posted by fairlynearlyready at 11:15 PM on November 9, 2020 [3 favorites]
posted by fairlynearlyready at 11:15 PM on November 9, 2020 [3 favorites]
I have kids in this age group and based on them and their cohort of friends, I would say 1. This is SUPER normal and 2. It's about routine. Particularly if there is a sibling involved, the child having a specific routine involving one parent is a big deal. I don't think it's about manipulation or about having anything developmentally wrong. Nor do I think it's about parenting preference or love. I also think it will eventually switch. Because of Covid and the significant disruption to our kids' lives, we have doubled down on the routine and found it to be very good for the kids. They love the structure, they love knowing what comes next and most of all, they love knowing with who it will happen. When they are older and things are back to normal, we'll have more expectations around flexibility.
I am the working parent and so I have built my schedule to ensure that I can accommodate the the routine (and I'm explicit with my coworkers about it). Your kids are young and they need thee extra stability and hugs right now. If they need a routine, let them have it.
posted by Toddles at 7:10 AM on November 10, 2020 [1 favorite]
I am the working parent and so I have built my schedule to ensure that I can accommodate the the routine (and I'm explicit with my coworkers about it). Your kids are young and they need thee extra stability and hugs right now. If they need a routine, let them have it.
posted by Toddles at 7:10 AM on November 10, 2020 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by threecheesetrees at 6:15 AM on November 9, 2020 [2 favorites]