Married suburban queer wants community?
October 26, 2020 6:14 PM Subscribe
I’m a bi/pan cis woman married to a cis man with two biological kids, living in the burbs. I’m not exactly closeted, but neither am I super out. I’m wondering if I can find a queer community irl or online, and I have a couple specific questions.
I’ve never been a part of the queer community as anything other than a straight passing ally, and have just started coming out formally to friends here in Ohio. I’d love some advice:
1) a community that’s not super biphobic or default poly - I’m not interested in non monogamy. How do I find a place like this?
2) I’m really wrestling with how much it “matters” that I’m bi since I married a dude and have a couple kids and on the outside we look straight. Do I come out to my kids???
Over the past few months I’ve realized that I’m not engaged at all with queer culture aside from online, and I think I’d like to change that. Are you queer but straight passing? How does your queerness manifest in your daily and family life?
I’ve never been a part of the queer community as anything other than a straight passing ally, and have just started coming out formally to friends here in Ohio. I’d love some advice:
1) a community that’s not super biphobic or default poly - I’m not interested in non monogamy. How do I find a place like this?
2) I’m really wrestling with how much it “matters” that I’m bi since I married a dude and have a couple kids and on the outside we look straight. Do I come out to my kids???
Over the past few months I’ve realized that I’m not engaged at all with queer culture aside from online, and I think I’d like to change that. Are you queer but straight passing? How does your queerness manifest in your daily and family life?
Yes to all of this!!
Definitely come out to your kids because they will get to know the real you, be more accepting of others, and most importantly be more accepting of themselves, whatever their sexual orientations may be. On a relatively recent podcast, Glennon Doyle spoke about how her son coming out to her and her wife. Specifically, that her ex-husband told her how grateful he was that his son's mother was living her truth and also helped pave the way for her son to live his. It was beautiful to hear. I can't remember the exact podcast but it may have been with Brene Brown?
FWIW, I think the younger generation is more accepting and knowledgeable about LGBTQPIA identities, like that your being bi has nothing to do with all the dumb stereotypes that still exist but are less accepting. I can imagine that, if your kids are tweens or above, they probably have thought about their own gender identity and sexual orientation and would be glad to share their own labels and thoughts.
Do you have Instagram? Add a rainbow flag to your bio. Follow accounts celebrating bisexuality as well as people, famous or every day, who ID as bi and live lives that you can relate to.
PFLAG continues to be a great resource for families of all kinds. I will admit that I felt quite different from most members due to class and educational differences when I was living in a small town but there are many groups and lots of lovely people of all ages.
Go to LGBTQ+ cafes (once it's safer again) and other spaces. You deserve to be there as much as anyone else! I know the old stigma about being bi but it's getting better as more and more people come out. And yes that includes straight-passing hetero married folks!
I used to come across as straight to many people, even queer ones, so I had to work to appear more visible. I have a big progress pride flag sticker on my car and that flag in my bio as mentioned. People now know me as a bi person, regardless of whom I'm dating, and I get read more often as queer than straight. (Yea but funny how it changes?!) I also tend to tell people because, yeah, when you're straight-passing you often have to assume that people will assume you're straight, bah. You don't "have" to tell anyone but I'm a big fan of increased bivisibility.
I wish you luck on your journey and exploration of how you express yourself. And I also want to say that you are already queer/bi enough just as you are and how you are you living right now. <3
posted by smorgasbord at 7:02 PM on October 26, 2020 [5 favorites]
Definitely come out to your kids because they will get to know the real you, be more accepting of others, and most importantly be more accepting of themselves, whatever their sexual orientations may be. On a relatively recent podcast, Glennon Doyle spoke about how her son coming out to her and her wife. Specifically, that her ex-husband told her how grateful he was that his son's mother was living her truth and also helped pave the way for her son to live his. It was beautiful to hear. I can't remember the exact podcast but it may have been with Brene Brown?
FWIW, I think the younger generation is more accepting and knowledgeable about LGBTQPIA identities, like that your being bi has nothing to do with all the dumb stereotypes that still exist but are less accepting. I can imagine that, if your kids are tweens or above, they probably have thought about their own gender identity and sexual orientation and would be glad to share their own labels and thoughts.
Do you have Instagram? Add a rainbow flag to your bio. Follow accounts celebrating bisexuality as well as people, famous or every day, who ID as bi and live lives that you can relate to.
PFLAG continues to be a great resource for families of all kinds. I will admit that I felt quite different from most members due to class and educational differences when I was living in a small town but there are many groups and lots of lovely people of all ages.
Go to LGBTQ+ cafes (once it's safer again) and other spaces. You deserve to be there as much as anyone else! I know the old stigma about being bi but it's getting better as more and more people come out. And yes that includes straight-passing hetero married folks!
I used to come across as straight to many people, even queer ones, so I had to work to appear more visible. I have a big progress pride flag sticker on my car and that flag in my bio as mentioned. People now know me as a bi person, regardless of whom I'm dating, and I get read more often as queer than straight. (Yea but funny how it changes?!) I also tend to tell people because, yeah, when you're straight-passing you often have to assume that people will assume you're straight, bah. You don't "have" to tell anyone but I'm a big fan of increased bivisibility.
I wish you luck on your journey and exploration of how you express yourself. And I also want to say that you are already queer/bi enough just as you are and how you are you living right now. <3
posted by smorgasbord at 7:02 PM on October 26, 2020 [5 favorites]
I wanted to add on to what mekily said about the importance of having queer friends. If and when you start telling people in your suburban community about your sexual orientation, it is very likely that people you already know will open up about their own sexuality.
Additionally, having openly bi female friends who are younger than I am is also very helpful because they have different experiences and often a more open mind than we do. I'm not sure how old you are but I'm 37 and there's a big difference (but also many similarities) between of experiences of bi women who are 17, 27, 37, 47, etc. due to a changing society. Just as you can be a role model/supporter to them, they can be a role model/supporter to you!
posted by smorgasbord at 7:05 PM on October 26, 2020 [6 favorites]
Additionally, having openly bi female friends who are younger than I am is also very helpful because they have different experiences and often a more open mind than we do. I'm not sure how old you are but I'm 37 and there's a big difference (but also many similarities) between of experiences of bi women who are 17, 27, 37, 47, etc. due to a changing society. Just as you can be a role model/supporter to them, they can be a role model/supporter to you!
posted by smorgasbord at 7:05 PM on October 26, 2020 [6 favorites]
For question 1, get on some email lists / follow accounts on social media. You’ll start getting networked into what events are going on and can get more involved (volunteering, going to Zoom gatherings, etc.) with the things that appeal to you. There are a vast range of LGBTQ+ spaces where whether you’re poly will not ever come up unless you mention it. IME, open biphobia is not generally tolerated like it was in the past, but individual humans may vary in their level of welcome. I’m a bi woman and I have been welcomed at specifically lesbian events, which surprised me (ask first!).
If you’re planning to come out to many people, I recommend reading over a list of bi stereotypes and being prepared for some of that to come up. Bi representation in media often plays into tropes, your friend is probably not trying to be shitty but has never had to consider that bi people aren’t *all* slutty/confused/flighty. (Some bi folks are and that’s fine.)
posted by momus_window at 8:08 PM on October 26, 2020 [1 favorite]
If you’re planning to come out to many people, I recommend reading over a list of bi stereotypes and being prepared for some of that to come up. Bi representation in media often plays into tropes, your friend is probably not trying to be shitty but has never had to consider that bi people aren’t *all* slutty/confused/flighty. (Some bi folks are and that’s fine.)
posted by momus_window at 8:08 PM on October 26, 2020 [1 favorite]
Suggestions for places to meet queer friends once IRL events are happening more: roller derby (you don't have to participate, just talk to other spectators), crunchy bike shops (sometimes there are femme/women/trans-centric groups), queer bars, some theaters. Your locale may vary. Is there a local gay magazine where you live? That might give you an idea where the queers are hanging out. There are surely some artsy groups and some sporty groups. Here's a guide for Cincinnati: https://www.autostraddle.com/queer-girl-city-guide-cincinnati-ohio-226518/
In my experience, smaller cities tend to have pretty inclusive queer cultures since there aren't enough people for biphobia and similar attitudes to get off the ground. Everybody has to stick together. Also, I think online culture is a lot more opinionated in general.
Gender-inclusive language (willingness to use they/them, proactively providing pronouns, phrases such as "person who menstruates," etc.), is a strong indicator that someone will be welcoming toward bi/pan folks. At least, those who use such language are supportive of bi/pan folks who don't conform to traditional gender norms.
I do think you should come out to your kids, but the question is at what age. Since you're not interested in dating, you would really just be having a conversation about sexual desire. How best to handle that would be a good Ask question in itself.
posted by Comet Bug at 8:34 PM on October 26, 2020 [1 favorite]
In my experience, smaller cities tend to have pretty inclusive queer cultures since there aren't enough people for biphobia and similar attitudes to get off the ground. Everybody has to stick together. Also, I think online culture is a lot more opinionated in general.
Gender-inclusive language (willingness to use they/them, proactively providing pronouns, phrases such as "person who menstruates," etc.), is a strong indicator that someone will be welcoming toward bi/pan folks. At least, those who use such language are supportive of bi/pan folks who don't conform to traditional gender norms.
I do think you should come out to your kids, but the question is at what age. Since you're not interested in dating, you would really just be having a conversation about sexual desire. How best to handle that would be a good Ask question in itself.
posted by Comet Bug at 8:34 PM on October 26, 2020 [1 favorite]
lots of good answers in here, just want to add that one way to be a little extra visible that I use when I don’t have the energy to code myself queer otherwise is lots of pins :)
posted by Gymnopedist at 8:48 PM on October 26, 2020 [5 favorites]
posted by Gymnopedist at 8:48 PM on October 26, 2020 [5 favorites]
There are a lot of unofficial de facto queer communities out there — by which I mean, like, hobby communities or circles of friends where most people are queer but it's not requirement.
My experience is that in communities like that, when someone people thought was an ally comes out as bi, everyone is super excited to hear it and super supportive, but also it doesn't really change much, because that person already belonged as a full member of the community. It sounds like that might be the sort of reaction you want?
I've found communities like this over the years around science fiction, slam poetry, and folk music and dance. I don't do fanfic, but I think the fanfic community is like this for a lot of my friends who do. A lot of especially-progressive religious groups kind of turn into this — if you're religious and your area is big enough, there is probably That One Reform Synagogue or That One UU/UCC/Episcopalian/Quaker Church or That One Pagan Meetup Group where all the queers have congregated, but you can join without being required to prove your queerness.
You say you're already engaged with queer community online. And all these things are also all online, at least for now. But I still find this sort of community more meaningful than, say, a bunch of queer randos who appreciate each other's Twitter content, which is what "online queer community" often means.
posted by nebulawindphone at 6:58 AM on October 27, 2020 [4 favorites]
My experience is that in communities like that, when someone people thought was an ally comes out as bi, everyone is super excited to hear it and super supportive, but also it doesn't really change much, because that person already belonged as a full member of the community. It sounds like that might be the sort of reaction you want?
I've found communities like this over the years around science fiction, slam poetry, and folk music and dance. I don't do fanfic, but I think the fanfic community is like this for a lot of my friends who do. A lot of especially-progressive religious groups kind of turn into this — if you're religious and your area is big enough, there is probably That One Reform Synagogue or That One UU/UCC/Episcopalian/Quaker Church or That One Pagan Meetup Group where all the queers have congregated, but you can join without being required to prove your queerness.
You say you're already engaged with queer community online. And all these things are also all online, at least for now. But I still find this sort of community more meaningful than, say, a bunch of queer randos who appreciate each other's Twitter content, which is what "online queer community" often means.
posted by nebulawindphone at 6:58 AM on October 27, 2020 [4 favorites]
Hello, I am a straight-passing bi-AFAB person (she/her) who didn't come out at all until my 30s.
I have tattoos and right now my hair is purple-ish but other than that i'm pretty femme and I don't "code" as bisexual at all, so I come out all the time.
I think coming out to your kids, in an age-appropriate way, will help tell them that if they feel different than the "norm" it's okay to tell you, and will foster more open communication and altogether be good, especially since I would guess you want to raise queer-inclusive kids, being queer yourself.
Being out when you don't have to is being truthful. I feel so much better now that I'm out in my life and like, literally, no one cares. It changed nothing other than that sometimes friends are like, "I think you'd like this girl" instead of "this guy."
For almost any interest, there is a queer version of that group. Queer sewists, embroidery groups, I'm in a queer powerlifting group. Queer book clubs. It goes on forever. Decide what you want to investigate and do some googling. There is almost definitely a facebook group for that.
posted by Medieval Maven at 8:18 AM on October 27, 2020 [3 favorites]
I have tattoos and right now my hair is purple-ish but other than that i'm pretty femme and I don't "code" as bisexual at all, so I come out all the time.
I think coming out to your kids, in an age-appropriate way, will help tell them that if they feel different than the "norm" it's okay to tell you, and will foster more open communication and altogether be good, especially since I would guess you want to raise queer-inclusive kids, being queer yourself.
Being out when you don't have to is being truthful. I feel so much better now that I'm out in my life and like, literally, no one cares. It changed nothing other than that sometimes friends are like, "I think you'd like this girl" instead of "this guy."
For almost any interest, there is a queer version of that group. Queer sewists, embroidery groups, I'm in a queer powerlifting group. Queer book clubs. It goes on forever. Decide what you want to investigate and do some googling. There is almost definitely a facebook group for that.
posted by Medieval Maven at 8:18 AM on October 27, 2020 [3 favorites]
Hello! I am a bi AFAB (she/they) mum married to a cis guy too. Dropping in here firstly to give you the massive bi fist-bump of solidarity!
Secondly, I was just wondering how your husband stands? For me, it has helped enormously to have a partner who goes well past accepting my bi-ness, and right on through to actively celebrating it. I will never have to come out to my kid, because it will be part of the conversation. He jokes about me never sitting on chairs properly because I am An Gay all the time, he came to wave and cheer when I walked in a Pride parade (and would have brought our kid to do the same if it had gone ahead this year), he even bought me a lil rainbow watch strap recently.
This is not to say that there isn't value in finding communities, on social media and the rest of the internet, at work (I'm part of an LGBTQ+ mentoring group at my current job, can you connect with this at all?) and elsewhere. But having a lovely pro-bi community in your own family is the best. Do you feel able to celebrate being bi at home? Do you feel comfortable enough to joke about it, to share memes with your husband, to wear pins, t-shirts, to signal queerness in any other ways that feel good to you? Imagine you're a huge sports fan - it's kind of similar. Can you wear the apparel, can you wave the flag, can you share the wins and the defeats with your partner, just like you would if it wasn't being bi but like a baseball team or something?
If not, prod and poke and see if you have internalised bi-phobia preventing you from doing these things (most of us do to an extent), or if for some reason your husband and/or family aren't part of it, in a way that they perhaps could be.
posted by greenish at 6:53 AM on October 29, 2020 [1 favorite]
Secondly, I was just wondering how your husband stands? For me, it has helped enormously to have a partner who goes well past accepting my bi-ness, and right on through to actively celebrating it. I will never have to come out to my kid, because it will be part of the conversation. He jokes about me never sitting on chairs properly because I am An Gay all the time, he came to wave and cheer when I walked in a Pride parade (and would have brought our kid to do the same if it had gone ahead this year), he even bought me a lil rainbow watch strap recently.
This is not to say that there isn't value in finding communities, on social media and the rest of the internet, at work (I'm part of an LGBTQ+ mentoring group at my current job, can you connect with this at all?) and elsewhere. But having a lovely pro-bi community in your own family is the best. Do you feel able to celebrate being bi at home? Do you feel comfortable enough to joke about it, to share memes with your husband, to wear pins, t-shirts, to signal queerness in any other ways that feel good to you? Imagine you're a huge sports fan - it's kind of similar. Can you wear the apparel, can you wave the flag, can you share the wins and the defeats with your partner, just like you would if it wasn't being bi but like a baseball team or something?
If not, prod and poke and see if you have internalised bi-phobia preventing you from doing these things (most of us do to an extent), or if for some reason your husband and/or family aren't part of it, in a way that they perhaps could be.
posted by greenish at 6:53 AM on October 29, 2020 [1 favorite]
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I'm a bisexual woman, but not exactly straight-passing, so I can't really speak to the rest of your question -- I have found, though, during the times when I've been dating men that my IRL queer friendships have become especially valuable to me. So a queer community can be a wonderful part of your life once you find it. Good luck!
posted by mekily at 6:58 PM on October 26, 2020 [1 favorite]