Help with evicting an ex from my head
October 23, 2020 6:57 AM Subscribe
I have an ex from over a decade ago that has taken up way too much real estate in my mind and I need them out.
The final straw was having a dream where his current wife was sending me very condescending postcards about this issue and that's it! He needs to leave.
The problem isn't that I look wistfully over our relationship or that I'm wanting to get back together, it's mostly that I'm still upset over how and why it went wrong and I'm anxious about bumping into him. He has a very common silhouette! I swear half the men out there look like him from behind.
I had assumed at first that over time it would just fade away, but that's clearly not happening. So then I thought, well figure out WHY he's in your head, and I thought I did (regret about my actions in the relationship, spent years in therapy learning how to adult), but he's still there.
The stress of covid is definitely part of the problem (I do tend to have recurrent bad thoughts when I'm upset, and I'm now always upset. The skills I've learned in therapy to deal with that work, but it's like he just hides behind a corner in my mind and pops back out later.), but it was an issue before this. There's also a current long term relationship that is not going well. I just can't stand the thought of ending it and having TWO ex boyfriends living in my head.
I haven't spoken to the ex in over 9 years. We ended as friends, but I started feeling like I was the only one reaching out a year after so I thought I'd let him initiate contact and I never heard from him again. I noticed he had deleted and blocked me from facebook 4 years ago, but I have no idea when or why he did that. I'm fine with not talking to him. We still have mutual friends, so I might run into him one day.
Has anyone else had this and managed to not have it somehow? I've had this before and since with breakups, but it has always dissipated after at MOST a year. It's almost like now it's the fact that it's been so long and that makes me feel pathetic that is the actual issue.
I was actually just about to bring this up to a therapist when covid happened. I don't do therapy well over zoom (not for that price point) so it's on hold for now.
The final straw was having a dream where his current wife was sending me very condescending postcards about this issue and that's it! He needs to leave.
The problem isn't that I look wistfully over our relationship or that I'm wanting to get back together, it's mostly that I'm still upset over how and why it went wrong and I'm anxious about bumping into him. He has a very common silhouette! I swear half the men out there look like him from behind.
I had assumed at first that over time it would just fade away, but that's clearly not happening. So then I thought, well figure out WHY he's in your head, and I thought I did (regret about my actions in the relationship, spent years in therapy learning how to adult), but he's still there.
The stress of covid is definitely part of the problem (I do tend to have recurrent bad thoughts when I'm upset, and I'm now always upset. The skills I've learned in therapy to deal with that work, but it's like he just hides behind a corner in my mind and pops back out later.), but it was an issue before this. There's also a current long term relationship that is not going well. I just can't stand the thought of ending it and having TWO ex boyfriends living in my head.
I haven't spoken to the ex in over 9 years. We ended as friends, but I started feeling like I was the only one reaching out a year after so I thought I'd let him initiate contact and I never heard from him again. I noticed he had deleted and blocked me from facebook 4 years ago, but I have no idea when or why he did that. I'm fine with not talking to him. We still have mutual friends, so I might run into him one day.
Has anyone else had this and managed to not have it somehow? I've had this before and since with breakups, but it has always dissipated after at MOST a year. It's almost like now it's the fact that it's been so long and that makes me feel pathetic that is the actual issue.
I was actually just about to bring this up to a therapist when covid happened. I don't do therapy well over zoom (not for that price point) so it's on hold for now.
I find that I'm returning to old memories of many things recently. Can you focus on some other old memories other than this ex? Maybe thinking about why he's in your head is just making you focus on him more. Try to consciously revisit other things in your past that have nothing to do with him, maybe even stuff you can dwell on for a while like think about roads not taken and how your life would be different today, decisions your parents made about where to live when you were a kid, how your life would be different if you never moved to where you now live, etc.
posted by yohko at 12:53 PM on October 23, 2020 [2 favorites]
posted by yohko at 12:53 PM on October 23, 2020 [2 favorites]
I wonder if it would help to treat this the way it's recommended to treat intrusive thoughts in OCD. Here's the technique:
1. When a thought about this guy pops up, you think "oh, there's my brain glitching again."
2. You stop and have a moment of calm with the thought. Don't get all into a lather about it, and don't try to suppress it either. It's just something your brain is doing.
3. Then, be like "okay thought! bye!" and turn your attention to something else.
posted by hungrytiger at 1:36 PM on October 23, 2020 [6 favorites]
1. When a thought about this guy pops up, you think "oh, there's my brain glitching again."
2. You stop and have a moment of calm with the thought. Don't get all into a lather about it, and don't try to suppress it either. It's just something your brain is doing.
3. Then, be like "okay thought! bye!" and turn your attention to something else.
posted by hungrytiger at 1:36 PM on October 23, 2020 [6 favorites]
There's also a current long term relationship that is not going well.
Well, I think this is what's really going on. Perhaps the challenges in this relationship are making you feel the same as you did back then, or reflect on what went wrong and how you want to avoid that. Or perhaps fixating on that old relationship is a partial relief from dealing with the current one.
First, this will seem counterintuitive, but likely the best way to get the ex out of your brain is ... to stop stressing about the ex being in your brain. Like hungrytiger says above, mindfulness can help with this. When you think about the ex, instead of being mad or frustrated, just observe it: "Oh, I am thinking about ex again." So try to observe the thought, not judge the thought.
I also wonder if you lack some closure and still feel rejected. You thought you were going to stay friends, but ex stopped reaching out... but you stayed in touch through social media (which keeps them fresh in your mind). Then, ex unfriended you (or whatever). So those are two more layers where there can be a sting of rejection even though it might not have been personal at all. (I shared this elsewhere recently, but in case it's helpful to hear: I was in touch casually with a high school ex for many years, but he unfriended me about five or six years ago, and it was surprising and hurtful as I had no idea why. There was a situation with another former high school classmate recently and we were in touch about that, and he told me that he and his wife had decided to unfriend all of their exes on social media. So the unfriending had nothing to do with me. It was such a relief -- I had been taking it so personally.)
All of this is to say, you might still be feeling the sting of rejection, and yeah, that can hurt. I also wonder if you might try to get yourself some closure, on your own terms, about the ex. Perhaps a break-up ritual could still be helpful. One thing you could do: write, by hand, a long letter (that you will never ever mail! That's important!) to the ex sharing all the pain and hurt and regrets. Say the good things too if you want. Say it all. Pour your heart out. Then, do something: take a long hike and tear it up and scream at the top (and I guess then recycle it). Or, burn it.
I think you to forgive yourself for whatever went wrong in that relationship, and for ex still being on your mind. The less you care, the less ex will be present.
Good luck.
posted by bluedaisy at 4:07 PM on October 23, 2020 [5 favorites]
Well, I think this is what's really going on. Perhaps the challenges in this relationship are making you feel the same as you did back then, or reflect on what went wrong and how you want to avoid that. Or perhaps fixating on that old relationship is a partial relief from dealing with the current one.
First, this will seem counterintuitive, but likely the best way to get the ex out of your brain is ... to stop stressing about the ex being in your brain. Like hungrytiger says above, mindfulness can help with this. When you think about the ex, instead of being mad or frustrated, just observe it: "Oh, I am thinking about ex again." So try to observe the thought, not judge the thought.
I also wonder if you lack some closure and still feel rejected. You thought you were going to stay friends, but ex stopped reaching out... but you stayed in touch through social media (which keeps them fresh in your mind). Then, ex unfriended you (or whatever). So those are two more layers where there can be a sting of rejection even though it might not have been personal at all. (I shared this elsewhere recently, but in case it's helpful to hear: I was in touch casually with a high school ex for many years, but he unfriended me about five or six years ago, and it was surprising and hurtful as I had no idea why. There was a situation with another former high school classmate recently and we were in touch about that, and he told me that he and his wife had decided to unfriend all of their exes on social media. So the unfriending had nothing to do with me. It was such a relief -- I had been taking it so personally.)
All of this is to say, you might still be feeling the sting of rejection, and yeah, that can hurt. I also wonder if you might try to get yourself some closure, on your own terms, about the ex. Perhaps a break-up ritual could still be helpful. One thing you could do: write, by hand, a long letter (that you will never ever mail! That's important!) to the ex sharing all the pain and hurt and regrets. Say the good things too if you want. Say it all. Pour your heart out. Then, do something: take a long hike and tear it up and scream at the top (and I guess then recycle it). Or, burn it.
I think you to forgive yourself for whatever went wrong in that relationship, and for ex still being on your mind. The less you care, the less ex will be present.
Good luck.
posted by bluedaisy at 4:07 PM on October 23, 2020 [5 favorites]
I struggle with this, and posted a question about it earlier this year. I haven’t 100% conquered it, either, but in the past few weeks I’ve been much less distressed by it through this process:
1. Observing thoughts of my ex come into my mind
2. Saying “Oh. That’s my attachment trauma.”
3. Moving on to other thoughts.
This works for me because it does not let me devolve into the kinds of thoughts I used to have (“what if I had done/said x instead of y? Does abc mean they’re an irretrievable asshole/have a personality disorder? Do they secretly miss me? Do they hate me? What have they told their friends? Does def mean I’m an irretrievable asshole or have a personality disorder?). I no longer torture myself wondering that stuff. I’ve also stopped wondering if they were taking up real estate in my brain because we were soulmates/they were such a catch/I made a huge mistake breaking up with them that I’ll regret for the rest of my life. It’s just my attachment trauma.
This also works for me because there’s some evidence in my personal history that I have attachment trauma, and it has decent explanatory power in terms of why I miss people so badly when I didn’t even enjoy relationships with them that much, why I feel so overtaken by anything that might be interpreted as abandonment, and why I have an anxious attachment style. YMMV.
posted by unstrungharp at 6:46 PM on October 23, 2020 [6 favorites]
1. Observing thoughts of my ex come into my mind
2. Saying “Oh. That’s my attachment trauma.”
3. Moving on to other thoughts.
This works for me because it does not let me devolve into the kinds of thoughts I used to have (“what if I had done/said x instead of y? Does abc mean they’re an irretrievable asshole/have a personality disorder? Do they secretly miss me? Do they hate me? What have they told their friends? Does def mean I’m an irretrievable asshole or have a personality disorder?). I no longer torture myself wondering that stuff. I’ve also stopped wondering if they were taking up real estate in my brain because we were soulmates/they were such a catch/I made a huge mistake breaking up with them that I’ll regret for the rest of my life. It’s just my attachment trauma.
This also works for me because there’s some evidence in my personal history that I have attachment trauma, and it has decent explanatory power in terms of why I miss people so badly when I didn’t even enjoy relationships with them that much, why I feel so overtaken by anything that might be interpreted as abandonment, and why I have an anxious attachment style. YMMV.
posted by unstrungharp at 6:46 PM on October 23, 2020 [6 favorites]
EMDR therapy. Can't recommend it enough for old issues like this that don't improve on their own, despite years passing. Just astronomically better than doing more 'thinking' and 'figuring out' and 'talking about it.' EMDR actually works and is evidence-based unlike lots of other things.
posted by thegreatfleecircus at 8:18 AM on October 24, 2020 [2 favorites]
posted by thegreatfleecircus at 8:18 AM on October 24, 2020 [2 favorites]
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I've never had any luck controlling my dreams, so if it were me I'd back-burner that. I definitely do dream of people who have been out of my life for many years -- my mother, for example, who passed a decade ago. And yes, my ex-spouse shows up in dreams now and then. I just shrug. It's only a dream. Brains are weird.
The waking anxieties might be amenable to some effort. Cognitive-behavioral techniques like the rubber-band-on-the-wrist or the "STOP!" might help with intrusive thoughts. As for "everybody looks like him," is there a way to turn that into a conscious desensitization strategy, perhaps by reminding yourself it's not actually him?
Speaking from experience: "because the process of breaking up will be bad and cause difficulties" is not a great reason to delay a necessary breakup. I know it's rough right now, how could it not be? but staying with someone who (in Captain Awkward's phrasing) needs to be KonMari'd causes just as many problems, just in a slow drip of corrosive badness. I suggest thinking pretty hard about an exit strategy here.
posted by humbug at 7:15 AM on October 23, 2020 [2 favorites]