Nothing lasts forever anyway

October 21, 2020 2:32 PM

Is it possible to learn to uncomplicatedly enjoy a good but transitory romantic relationship, or are some people just inherently wired to seek a long-term "forever" partner? (For extra spice, throw in a dash of pandemic-level "what even IS the future, anyway?")

I'm in my late twenties and haven't been in a relationship for the better part of a decade, but against all odds I've been seeing someone (exclusively, in a boyfriend/girlfriend way) for a few months. We're still firmly in the infatuation/getting to know each other period, but it's been really good - we laugh a lot and talk a lot and being with each other is easy; it's one of the few bright spots in the otherwise awful year that has been 2020.

We're not at the point where we've discussed any long-term future as a couple, but just from talking separately about our own life goals and aspirations, the objective part of my brain is starting to see that we're clearly on pretty different paths (career-wise, geography-wise, ambition-wise, a bunch of different ways). This never seems particularly important when we're physically present together (too busy, y'know, staring gooeily into each other's eyes and/or making out) but I find myself ruminating on it more and more when we're apart (the fact that I don't have a whole lot of other stuff going on during lockdown probably doesn't help with the rumination problem.)

I just wish I could enjoy whatever this is - a fling, lockdown distraction, brief intersection of two interesting lives before we part ways, I dunno - without being sucked into the trap of "oh it's not forever, so it's not worth anything". Is there any way to actively cultivate à different mindset that will let me enjoy what we have right now, as is?

posted by btfreek to Human Relations (16 answers total)

The world is your oyster, so to speak, so there's no right or wrong answer here. A couple notions come to mind.

If you *know* that your path will diverge from theirs, it's better to establish that sooner than later to avoid handling hearts roughly.

Otherwise, enjoy the ride--including your anxieties about the nature of it, because that anxiety is inseparably a part of the relationship, and your values about relationships. Not to instill fear if this possibility is something you fear, but many a long term relationship began with people in very different trajectories. It's a rare relationship that doesn't progress in time without a little or a lot of reorientation.

Keeping these ideas in your mind as reminders that you're experiencing the bliss and worry or connection may help you remember that your question is a pretty universal expression of the human condition.

Be well!
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 2:48 PM on October 21, 2020 [1 favorite]

Better to love and lose than never to love at all. You'll always have Paris.
posted by heatherlogan at 2:53 PM on October 21, 2020 [5 favorites]

I think people can change their romantic styles, but I've never seen it happen by someone trying to force themselves to change to suit a particular situation.

That said, I don't think this means your situation is hopeless! I think you may just need to accept that there will be some uncomfortable feelings and thoughts alongside the fun googly/infatuation feelings.

I agree with late afternoon dreaming hotel that conversation about this is likely to be helpful, if you're not already doing that. It would be good to find out if the other person has the same impression as you in terms of long-term prospects, and getting it all out in the open may be a huge relief. Maybe instead of it being your own private anxiety burden to bear, it'll become something the two of you face together.
posted by lunasol at 2:56 PM on October 21, 2020

About six years ago, I met a friend of a friend and we hit it off immediately, in a way that was instant and real and amazing. I also found out that in 2 weeks he was moving across the country. I don’t remember the exact conversation, but we just kind of agreed to go all in even though we knew that was the only amount of time we had. I cleared my schedule and we spent as much time together in those 2 weeks as we could. I called friends to cancel plans and explained that this was one of those situations that was definitely out of character for me but seemed totally worth it. One of my friends told me she thought it was a great idea, because unless you die at the same time, every relationship ends, and at least you know how and when this will end. I know that sounds dismal, but it was what I needed to hear, and whenever I would get wistful or anxious, I would remind myself “everything ends, enjoy it while it’s here.”

And it did end, with nothing but best wishes for each other on both sides. And if I could go back and do it all over again, I wouldn’t change a thing about it. Enjoy it, don’t let an expiration date be something that holds you back.
posted by August Fury at 2:56 PM on October 21, 2020 [30 favorites]

So the thing is, geography and ambition and career are really fluid and temporary and ephemeral in their own rights. Who's to say someone doesn't change tracks, go back to school, develop a chronic illness that scales back their whole "work 80 hour weeks in a foreign country" plan?

Like August Fury above, I once started dating someone who was moving out of state in a month; we kept it up long-distance for a few months after that, and then split for reasons that had nothing at all to do with the distance. I also very nearly wrote someone off once because his goal was to settle in a hot climate, which I can't stand. But I took a chance and he never did (in part, because he fell for me as well, and knew I'd hate it) and we dated for many many years. You might date for years before hitting a speed bump you can't navigate. You might uncover some super irritating characteristic that renders this all moot next week! You might grow to love each other so much that your paths grow together instead of apart.

And also we could all totally be dead next month so fuck it. Have fun.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 3:08 PM on October 21, 2020 [11 favorites]

Folks are telling you to enjoy this while it lasts, but I agree that that can be hard to do for some folks! Like, you can't make yourself be chill if you're not chill. A few things for you to ponder that I would ask if we had a cup of tea and time to chat in a socially distanced way:

Why has it been so long since you've dated someone seriously? Have you been dating widely and just haven't met the right person? Or have you been reluctant in some way to get into a relationship?

Could this be a fear-or-something-good part of your brain trying to sabotage this relationship? I don't know your dating past, but finding someone we really click with can be amazing (fireworks, whee!) but also scary (what if they leave me?!?!).

Now, let's explore the concerns you raised. I'm not sure career-wise and ambition-wise are the most important concerns here. Lots of happy couples aren't the same in this way. However, if you are a workaholic and this person doesn't have a job and doesn't want to work... that could be a concern. Geography is potentially a major concern. Is this person in school, for example, and planning to move after graduation in a few months? Or is it more of a general concern that they might not want to live in your town forever?

Also, sometimes those nagging concerns are really showing us red flags we can't quite articulate. Maybe something isn't quite right, but the new relationship energy is fun and powerful anyway.

All of this is to say: absolutely, there are folks who can't do short-term relationships at all, and that's totally okay. It would be absurd to try to convince you to enjoy something you aren't enjoying. But these nagging fears could also be related to something else, and that's also worth exploring.
posted by bluedaisy at 4:12 PM on October 21, 2020 [5 favorites]

This may sound glib, but my brother and I call this “stories for the nursing home”. We smile about our respective experiences and say that some day, we’ll want to have good stories to share when we are in a nursing home at the end of our life.

My therapist would say that this is a chance to practice. It doesn’t have to be forever, but you can practice learning about another person. Practice learning what you like. Practice figuring out what you don’t like. Practice having different types of sex, if that floats your boat. And most importantly, practice living in the moment. Being in your body. Staying present.
posted by Juniper Toast at 4:45 PM on October 21, 2020 [16 favorites]

I am wired for long-term relationships, but I am also the kind of person who would not see geography as an obstacle if I was seriously interested in someone. How would you honestly feel if the barriers you're seeing disappeared? How do you think the person you're seeing would feel if they knew that you don't believe there's long-term potential? I do think you should think about their feelings (maybe they're feeling more than they've expressed), and it's good to be honest with them now.

The only time I've been able to enjoy something short-term was when we both felt exactly the same way about each other- we had a great time together and were very attracted to each other, but neither of us wanted anything serious.
posted by pinochiette at 5:06 PM on October 21, 2020 [1 favorite]

I’m extremely a monogamous, long-term relationship person and have been able to do this occasionally. In the past year even, pre-pandemic. But we were both entirely on the same page about not wanting to be serious (and discussed it openly!) and not too far into it i had to really limit our interactions. We had been texting every day and seeing each other twice a week or so and for my own mental health cut it down to once a month-ish. They respected that, even though it kind of sucked for both of us. Then the pandemic killed it off for good, which I was also upset about, but knew we’d drift apart eventually, so... that was fine.
posted by jeweled accumulation at 8:05 PM on October 21, 2020

And more philosophically, as someone who absolutely never intended to spend so much time single, but here I am in this life, I’ve started to enjoy -and appreciate the multitudes of different kinds of relationships and intimacy that you can have with people.
posted by jeweled accumulation at 8:13 PM on October 21, 2020 [1 favorite]

Folks are telling you to enjoy this while it lasts, but I agree that that can be hard to do for some folks! Like, you can't make yourself be chill if you're not chill.

As someone whose comment could easily be read this way, I wanna clarify. You don't have to be chill. But you also don't have to leave a situation just because it isn't 100% chill, either. Nothing is forever. Nothing at all. You can't know that something is "for life" until one of y'all actually dies. This relationship is just making you acknowledge a thing you normally push to the back of the mind.

I'm not saying you have to pretend to be chill with a not-forever relationship; I'm saying this relationship is not actually any different from any others you've had. You're not a psychic. You can't know. This is an openness you can bring to ANY relationship.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 9:24 PM on October 21, 2020 [1 favorite]

Attachment Theory would argue that humans are indeed wired for long-term, secure relationships, and that people do better when they feel safe in this way. For more on this, read Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson.
posted by Violet Hour at 11:16 PM on October 21, 2020

Attachment theory really doesn't argue that about adults in so much that there us a critical period in which long term secure attachment is very very important and impacts the rest of your relationships. Attachment styles and knowing your own is important, and people can successfully form secure attachments with all types of attachment styles. As adults, people can play out secure attachment in many different ways, including serial partnerships, monogamous long term relationships, poly relationships, whatever relationship configuration you may prefer. And those attachments don't have to include intimate relationships!

Anyway, I really think that present mindfulness, and focusing on the now is important for things like this. Having a clear idea that you both have clear expectations going forward is crucial , but in the moment this is nice and it's perfectly 100% just fine to enjoy what you have! You can't know the future. Just make sure that this other person is aware, or really hurt feelings can be made.

Also it's worth examining your values about how relationships should function because it sounds like this is mismatch. Some people can resolve this and go forward with the relationship, some people can't. Neither is wrong, but they are your values, and only you'll be able to tell if you will have a nagging feeling that this isn't what you want no matter what you do.
posted by AlexiaSky at 1:11 AM on October 22, 2020 [1 favorite]

Practise love and understand the reasons later. Mindfulness tells us about the principle of being in the moment right now, so it makes sense to engineer your moments right now to contain good things. While it makes sense to pull together in the same direction -- and you can be honest about how bought in you are -- keep on going. Sunk costs are the reason people give for sticking with circumstances they should change, but the time has gone and you're spending the future on today.

I've got some ideas that are unusual but I think they're helpful. I read the brochures* and met some polyamorous people in one stint between my monogamous relationships. At its simplest, you need to stick to the calendar commitments you make and to invest time in the people and links you form -- but we're good at causing drahmah so the rules of thumb were about:
* we do this in community -- in that it's a bad thing to harm the network by being a terrible friend and lover to many people
* being honest in a respectful way when negotiating with other people
* deal with your own sh_t

Those things work well for monogamous coupling, too, supporting choices to be with people for as long as you're working together to the same goals.

*: Including but not limited to Tristan Tsaormino's Opening Up: Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships (Cleis Press, 2008), Dossie Easton & Janet W. Hardy's The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide To Polyamory (full pdf of the text at archive.org) and Franklin Veaux's More Than Two (where we note contemporary concerns of Veaux's past partners that they consider him abusive, found via Facebook).
posted by k3ninho at 1:54 AM on October 22, 2020

The key information here, I think, is what you and this other person are really looking for right now. You say you've been single a long time - is that a comfortable state you'd be okay to return to, or have you started to long for more lasting partnership? Has the other person expressed a desire for a long-term relationship or marriage? What's their recent dating history like? Do either of you envision children/family in your future? I think it's important to know these things for yourself, and also know them about your partner. If you're both of a mind that long-term partnership would be nice if it happened, but neither has a pressing desire to get married or have children, then I agree with other posters that this could be a lovely, warm, meaningful experience that could teach you about living in uncertainty and enjoying the present moment. To assist with this shift I'd look into mindfulness practice and cultivating an appreciation for impermanence (which is an absolute truth of human life.) I recommend reading Pema Chodron's When Things Fall Apart - it's written as a guide for times of struggle and difficulty, but it has some beautiful advice for leaning into the unknown and accepting the ephemerality of both pleasure and pain:

Impermanence is the goodness of reality. Just as the four seasons are in continual flux, winter changing to spring and summer to autumn; just as day becomes night, light becoming dark becoming light again–in the same way everything is constantly evolving. Impermanence is the essence of everything. We regard it as pain, but impermanence is a principle of harmony. When we don’t struggle against it, we are in harmony with reality.

I was in a similar relationship earlier this year, which lasted longer than I'd intended due to pandemic. I am at a point in my life where I am ready for partnership and family, but I was still able to appreciate the experience for what it was - a comfort in the chaos of this year, a healing experience after a bad breakup, a chance to be close to someone whom I liked and admired, and a collection of fun and touching memories that have added to the color and texture of my life. We did end things eventually, because my desire for something more lasting got stronger, and my desire for parenthood puts an expiration date on that kind of relationship. But without those pressures I think I would have stayed longer and continued to savor that connection. It's definitely possible to do that, no matter how you're wired.
posted by rabbitbookworm at 7:06 AM on October 22, 2020 [2 favorites]

Attachment theory really doesn't argue that about adults in so much that there us a critical period in which long term secure attachment is very very important and impacts the rest of your relationships

Johnson’s entire premise is that the bond between lovers is similar to that between a mother and an infant, so she is indeed arguing that—she’s not just talking about attachment styles, but is saying that adult romantic relationships ARE attachment.
posted by Violet Hour at 9:16 PM on October 22, 2020 [1 favorite]