What do I do about my conspiracy theorist friend?
October 19, 2020 8:33 PM Subscribe
And old friend has gone down the conspiracy theory rabbit hole and i'm not sure whether I should continue that friendship.
I have a friend that I used to be close to years ago when we lived in the same city. We've kept in contact via facebook and occasional texts. While I always knew her to be into things I consider "woo" it wasn't until 2016 that I realized that she was an anti-vaxxer. Then later, I saw posts about chemtrails. Then recently stuff that aligns with QAnon conspiracy theories (although she's socially progressive and doesn't follow conservative ideologies, she really hate the Democratic Party).
I don't know where to go from here. She doesn't live in a battleground state so i never worried much about her voting habits and she doesn't have, and doesn't plan on having, kids so I never worried about how she'd be raising them. But I can't decide if I should keep her in my life, even in this small way.
I'm pretty conflict avoidant so outright unfriending her on fb seems aggressive and I worry about how she might react if she realizes it. I unfollowed her quite awhile ago but can't help checking her profile occasionally to see what she's up to. But then I'll see a post that just brings me down and I end up wasting a lot of mental energy on it. I almost never engage with it. Clearly, i haven't been good at preventing myself from seeking out her posts, though, which is why I'm even considering unfriending.
To be clear, she doesn't really bring up her conspiracy theories much with me directly and I think she more or less understands that I don't believe these kinds of things. So it's not as if we've been having any kind of antagonistic interactions. I'm mostly just feeling anxiety at doing something that could cause that to happen because it's not like we're roommates arguing over taking out the garbage. It would be old friends arguing over beliefs and fundamental world views.
If she was someone that was an active part of my life, then it's possible we could have had conversations earlier on and maybe i could have helped her not fall into this rabbit hole. But it seems that a lot of people are having loved ones go down the conspiracy theory path, so maybe there's nothing i really could have done to prevent it. But I know that lots of people who fall into that lose friends and family which can further isolate them into that world making them feel even more strongly that they're the only ones who can see the "truth."
But what's a good course of action for me here? Keep maintaining this distant friendship that I have with her so that she still has connections outside of her conspiracy world? Or do I cut off the friendship completely because i've sure wasted a lot of mental energy on this? Or is there another option?
I have a friend that I used to be close to years ago when we lived in the same city. We've kept in contact via facebook and occasional texts. While I always knew her to be into things I consider "woo" it wasn't until 2016 that I realized that she was an anti-vaxxer. Then later, I saw posts about chemtrails. Then recently stuff that aligns with QAnon conspiracy theories (although she's socially progressive and doesn't follow conservative ideologies, she really hate the Democratic Party).
I don't know where to go from here. She doesn't live in a battleground state so i never worried much about her voting habits and she doesn't have, and doesn't plan on having, kids so I never worried about how she'd be raising them. But I can't decide if I should keep her in my life, even in this small way.
I'm pretty conflict avoidant so outright unfriending her on fb seems aggressive and I worry about how she might react if she realizes it. I unfollowed her quite awhile ago but can't help checking her profile occasionally to see what she's up to. But then I'll see a post that just brings me down and I end up wasting a lot of mental energy on it. I almost never engage with it. Clearly, i haven't been good at preventing myself from seeking out her posts, though, which is why I'm even considering unfriending.
To be clear, she doesn't really bring up her conspiracy theories much with me directly and I think she more or less understands that I don't believe these kinds of things. So it's not as if we've been having any kind of antagonistic interactions. I'm mostly just feeling anxiety at doing something that could cause that to happen because it's not like we're roommates arguing over taking out the garbage. It would be old friends arguing over beliefs and fundamental world views.
If she was someone that was an active part of my life, then it's possible we could have had conversations earlier on and maybe i could have helped her not fall into this rabbit hole. But it seems that a lot of people are having loved ones go down the conspiracy theory path, so maybe there's nothing i really could have done to prevent it. But I know that lots of people who fall into that lose friends and family which can further isolate them into that world making them feel even more strongly that they're the only ones who can see the "truth."
But what's a good course of action for me here? Keep maintaining this distant friendship that I have with her so that she still has connections outside of her conspiracy world? Or do I cut off the friendship completely because i've sure wasted a lot of mental energy on this? Or is there another option?
Facebook has a snooze button which hides posts from a person for 30 days. If I snooze someone three times and we’re not related, I then unfollow them.
posted by warriorqueen at 8:51 PM on October 19, 2020 [15 favorites]
posted by warriorqueen at 8:51 PM on October 19, 2020 [15 favorites]
unfriending her on fb seems aggressive
She won't know unless she actively goes looking for you
I worry about how she might react if she realizes it.
a) She won't be able to contact you through FB even if she notices
b) She might not care
c) Even if she does care, you can't live your life making decisions based on other people's possible emotional responses. You cant control those any way and imagining you can leads to all kinds of toxic putting up with things because you're afraid of someone else's response.
I unfollowed her quite awhile ago but can't help checking her profile occasionally to see what she's up to
Ah. You can though. So stop. Block her if you need to. This person does not spark joy. Say thank you (internally) to the friendship you had and let it go.
posted by ananci at 9:04 PM on October 19, 2020 [14 favorites]
She won't know unless she actively goes looking for you
I worry about how she might react if she realizes it.
a) She won't be able to contact you through FB even if she notices
b) She might not care
c) Even if she does care, you can't live your life making decisions based on other people's possible emotional responses. You cant control those any way and imagining you can leads to all kinds of toxic putting up with things because you're afraid of someone else's response.
I unfollowed her quite awhile ago but can't help checking her profile occasionally to see what she's up to
Ah. You can though. So stop. Block her if you need to. This person does not spark joy. Say thank you (internally) to the friendship you had and let it go.
posted by ananci at 9:04 PM on October 19, 2020 [14 favorites]
Response by poster: a) She won't be able to contact you through FB even if she notices
I wanted to mention that, although that's true, she could contact me via phone, text, and email. I would hate to also have to block her number if things got that contentious between us (to be clear, i don't know that they would, it's just my anxiety catastrophizing things). Our connection is not only over facebook.
posted by NotTheRedBaron at 9:11 PM on October 19, 2020
I wanted to mention that, although that's true, she could contact me via phone, text, and email. I would hate to also have to block her number if things got that contentious between us (to be clear, i don't know that they would, it's just my anxiety catastrophizing things). Our connection is not only over facebook.
posted by NotTheRedBaron at 9:11 PM on October 19, 2020
Unfriend her! She already knows that her beliefs are fringe, and she knows that you think that; in the remote world where she noticed that you unfriended her and confronts you about it, it's pretty easy to say "yeah, I just couldn't with the conspiracy stuff anymore." If you want to engage with her, this essay has some interesting techniques.
posted by Charity Garfein at 9:40 PM on October 19, 2020 [8 favorites]
posted by Charity Garfein at 9:40 PM on October 19, 2020 [8 favorites]
Mute her. Without her feed I assume you'll drift apart, or if you talk in IRL occasionally, not. No conflict, no drama.
Or better just quit Facebook if you can, which is grossly irresponsible in actively spreading this bullshit.
posted by mark k at 9:48 PM on October 19, 2020 [16 favorites]
Or better just quit Facebook if you can, which is grossly irresponsible in actively spreading this bullshit.
posted by mark k at 9:48 PM on October 19, 2020 [16 favorites]
Yeah, it's okay to unfriend her if you find yourself looking at her profile out of morbid curiosity and then feeling bad. You seem to feel some responsibility here, as if you think you truly could have prevented this, or if you are somehow responsible for the beliefs of another adult. But you also note that her beliefs have always seen a bit different han yours. You seem to spend a lot of mental energy on this person. I don't think this is super healthy for you. This worry isn't helping you or her, you know?
I think you need to accept you are in no way responsible for or responsible to this person, and unfriend. You'll feel lighter.
posted by bluedaisy at 10:23 PM on October 19, 2020 [3 favorites]
I think you need to accept you are in no way responsible for or responsible to this person, and unfriend. You'll feel lighter.
posted by bluedaisy at 10:23 PM on October 19, 2020 [3 favorites]
Best answer: Unfriend and move on, and don’t let your anxiety steer the wheel right now. What’s the worst that can happen? She’ll contact you, ask why you unfriended, you’ll tell her (or you won’t) and ... that’s that. You’re probably not the first person to exit her social sphere. QAnon is not just “conspiracy theorists”—it’s a platform for domestic terrorists to push a racist, sexist, anti-science, xenophobic, anti-Semitic agenda. I’m disgusted there are fellow human beings who follow this; I would in no way tolerate friends or family who think it’s okay to follow their garbage.
posted by namemeansgazelle at 10:47 PM on October 19, 2020 [10 favorites]
posted by namemeansgazelle at 10:47 PM on October 19, 2020 [10 favorites]
From reading your text it doesn't actually sound like there's any real problem with the relationship right now, other than reading her posts makes you anxious. Most of the rest of the post is anxiety about theoretical future decisions. Considering you've already drifted apart a bit, and she's not actively relying on you for support, I think any reasonable choice you make here is totally fine. If you unfriend her she might not even notice, or she might ask you and you can just say you were cleaning out your face book friends (everyone does this periodically now). If you stay like you are now your relationship will probably stay the same and wouldn't likely get specifically worse. I see no reason to block her from what you've written.
So that comes back to your anxiety about her posts and the relationship, which I can definitely relate to. I think in your situation I would ask what would make me more anxious: occasionally interacting with this person and getting somewhat upset every time, or trying to distance myself from them and feeling cut off from them. Personally I still follow several old friends who post conspiracy stuff only on their own feeds because I feel like I might want to reengage with them if something went bad, but I unfriended all of the ones that ever commented on my posts with conspiracy nonsense because I have no interest in supporting that. But you have multiple totally reasonable options here, so I'd say to go with what you think will feel better in the long term
posted by JZig at 12:31 AM on October 20, 2020 [2 favorites]
So that comes back to your anxiety about her posts and the relationship, which I can definitely relate to. I think in your situation I would ask what would make me more anxious: occasionally interacting with this person and getting somewhat upset every time, or trying to distance myself from them and feeling cut off from them. Personally I still follow several old friends who post conspiracy stuff only on their own feeds because I feel like I might want to reengage with them if something went bad, but I unfriended all of the ones that ever commented on my posts with conspiracy nonsense because I have no interest in supporting that. But you have multiple totally reasonable options here, so I'd say to go with what you think will feel better in the long term
posted by JZig at 12:31 AM on October 20, 2020 [2 favorites]
I mean, on the one hand, you get to be friends (or not) with whomever you want. So yeah, if you don't want to be friends because of her ideology, then don't.
But...I think it would be healthier to take a step back and recognize that your friends get to have different interests, values, and worldviews than you do. If you cut out everyone who doesn't think exactly like you do, you're not going to have many friends. You will end up in an echo chamber. So, you might want to choose a hill or two to die on and let the rest slide.
My oldest real friend is someone I don't share a lot of common ground with anymore. But I've known him 30 years. That will tend to happen. Our friendship may not be as close in some ways as a friendship with someone I have more in common with, but there is a value to me of having such a long-time friend. That's irreplaceable. Realize that severing your friendship will also remove your access to sharing memories. There may come a time when you'll want a friendship of decades, and that can't happen if you cut people out anytime you disagree with them.
I also want to address the "conspiracy nut" angle of your post. There have been all kinds of reindeer games
played by the government that, before they were known to the general public, would have sounded pretty far-fetched if someone had professed belief in them. See the Tuskegee experiments, MKUltra for examples.
My point is, you really don't know everything. None of us do and most of us are just doing our best to figure
out the world we live in. Maybe your friend is wrong about some things, but maybe (probably) you are too, and you would do well to be a little more circumspect about labeling someone else a purveyor of "woo".
If it were me, I would disregard her belief in stuff such as chemtrails. So she believes in that and you don't. Who cares, really? What affect does that belief have on her ability to be a good friend and a good person? The QAnon thing would give me pause, but I would want to know more about her exact take on that, whether it was just something she read about online and briefly mentioned or whether she in fact does have values that are truly incompatible with yours. Finding that out requires talking to her.
Good luck.
posted by Flock of Cynthiabirds at 5:25 AM on October 20, 2020 [2 favorites]
But...I think it would be healthier to take a step back and recognize that your friends get to have different interests, values, and worldviews than you do. If you cut out everyone who doesn't think exactly like you do, you're not going to have many friends. You will end up in an echo chamber. So, you might want to choose a hill or two to die on and let the rest slide.
My oldest real friend is someone I don't share a lot of common ground with anymore. But I've known him 30 years. That will tend to happen. Our friendship may not be as close in some ways as a friendship with someone I have more in common with, but there is a value to me of having such a long-time friend. That's irreplaceable. Realize that severing your friendship will also remove your access to sharing memories. There may come a time when you'll want a friendship of decades, and that can't happen if you cut people out anytime you disagree with them.
I also want to address the "conspiracy nut" angle of your post. There have been all kinds of reindeer games
played by the government that, before they were known to the general public, would have sounded pretty far-fetched if someone had professed belief in them. See the Tuskegee experiments, MKUltra for examples.
My point is, you really don't know everything. None of us do and most of us are just doing our best to figure
out the world we live in. Maybe your friend is wrong about some things, but maybe (probably) you are too, and you would do well to be a little more circumspect about labeling someone else a purveyor of "woo".
If it were me, I would disregard her belief in stuff such as chemtrails. So she believes in that and you don't. Who cares, really? What affect does that belief have on her ability to be a good friend and a good person? The QAnon thing would give me pause, but I would want to know more about her exact take on that, whether it was just something she read about online and briefly mentioned or whether she in fact does have values that are truly incompatible with yours. Finding that out requires talking to her.
Good luck.
posted by Flock of Cynthiabirds at 5:25 AM on October 20, 2020 [2 favorites]
If you have the ability to maintain contact in other ways (as you say you do), then I challenge the idea that unfriending her on Facebook is cutting her out of your life altogether. If you unfriend her there because her activity in that space causes you anxiety, then if she asks you about it you can tell her something on the spectrum of truth to little white lie/omission - whatever you prefer. You could say "some of your Facebook activity was giving me anxiety, but I'm still here as your friend just not on Facebook" or something less specific to her like "I'm paring back on Facebook, it's not great for my mental health/nothing personal."
That is of course if you do want to be there for her in some way as a non-conspiracy connection. The Facebook thing is an easier solve; the broader question of remaining her friend at all is not so easy. Good luck.
posted by misskaz at 5:55 AM on October 20, 2020
That is of course if you do want to be there for her in some way as a non-conspiracy connection. The Facebook thing is an easier solve; the broader question of remaining her friend at all is not so easy. Good luck.
posted by misskaz at 5:55 AM on October 20, 2020
I have friends who don't believe as I do, in many different dimensions of life. If I cull my friends list to only those that share my views in most areas, it would become very small. I think there is value in being exposed to differing opinions even if I don't agree with them. So I personally wouldn't unfriend such a person. I'd see it as an opportunity to practice treating people with civility and respect even if I don't support everything they believe. Why is her belief system a threat to you, exactly? Especially if for example she's anti vax, if she isn't having kids that could be unvaxxed around you or your kids, why does it even matter except in this basic need to be right about stuff?
posted by crunchy potato at 5:59 AM on October 20, 2020 [8 favorites]
posted by crunchy potato at 5:59 AM on October 20, 2020 [8 favorites]
If you are considering staying friends with her because it is a link to keeping her in touch with reality, it does not sound like that course of action is working so far. I am not on FaceBook now or ever so I do not know what the ramifications of staying FB "friends" is, but just ignore her on social media and when she texts you, respond in a very brief but friendly and non-commital way. If she is able to recognize that your are not into her theories or way of thinking and already moderates what she tells you, that sounds like she is more grounded in reality than you think.
posted by AugustWest at 6:47 AM on October 20, 2020
posted by AugustWest at 6:47 AM on October 20, 2020
There's a huge difference between exposing yourself to differing opinions vs. someone who likes to share every delusional or hateful conspiracy theory that the antimasker crowd (or whatever other denying-objective-reality group) dreams up. The first one might broaden your world, but the other is just throwing pure garbage into your brain. There's a bit of the "let's-hear-both-sides" fallacy going on there - some things don't need to be legitimized by considering them a differing opinion or a debate.
I keep many friends on my feed who have different religious views and a few that have somewhat different political views, and even some anti-vaxxers who aren't completely out of touch with reality otherwise, but I quickly unfollow people who share conspiracy nonsense or stuff about why various groups of people don't deserve rights or respect. (this is usually relatives since my friends don't tend to be into that stuff - I might just unfriend a non-relative unless they were maybe a work acquaintance or something)
I'm not sure why you feel unable to stop checking the profile and maybe that's something you can ponder about yourself or maybe talk through with a different friend, but sure, if you really can't stop yourself and you're not real friends anymore, there is nothing wrong at all with unfriending them.
posted by randomnity at 7:48 AM on October 20, 2020 [18 favorites]
I keep many friends on my feed who have different religious views and a few that have somewhat different political views, and even some anti-vaxxers who aren't completely out of touch with reality otherwise, but I quickly unfollow people who share conspiracy nonsense or stuff about why various groups of people don't deserve rights or respect. (this is usually relatives since my friends don't tend to be into that stuff - I might just unfriend a non-relative unless they were maybe a work acquaintance or something)
I'm not sure why you feel unable to stop checking the profile and maybe that's something you can ponder about yourself or maybe talk through with a different friend, but sure, if you really can't stop yourself and you're not real friends anymore, there is nothing wrong at all with unfriending them.
posted by randomnity at 7:48 AM on October 20, 2020 [18 favorites]
I wanted to mention that, although that's true, she could contact me via phone, text, and email.
So? You are not required to respond to any of these contact methods.
I would hate to also have to block her number if things got that contentious between us (to be clear, i don't know that they would, it's just my anxiety catastrophizing things).
If things got contentious, why would you not want to block her? No one needs that drama. And yes, you are catastrophizing an imagined response to a situation you might never be in, down a long chain of "what ifs."
If her possible reactions seem so threatening that you are afraid of drawing a boundary, that is a seriously good reason to stop engaging with this person.
posted by ananci at 9:40 AM on October 20, 2020
So? You are not required to respond to any of these contact methods.
I would hate to also have to block her number if things got that contentious between us (to be clear, i don't know that they would, it's just my anxiety catastrophizing things).
If things got contentious, why would you not want to block her? No one needs that drama. And yes, you are catastrophizing an imagined response to a situation you might never be in, down a long chain of "what ifs."
If her possible reactions seem so threatening that you are afraid of drawing a boundary, that is a seriously good reason to stop engaging with this person.
posted by ananci at 9:40 AM on October 20, 2020
I recently stopped being friends with someone who was my close friend for this very reason. I had actually been a bridesmaid at her wedding. To me, being a conspiracy theorist has nothing to do with 'opinion'. Rather, my friend's increasing belief in conspiracy theories showed me that we had very different and incompatible world views. Furthermore, I simply stopped respecting her and found I could not continue in the friendship.
My friend's beliefs were not 'opinion'. I am in New Zealand - recently we had an election and voted on 2 referendums (euthanasia and marijuana laws). Many of my friends and colleagues have different opinions to me on politics and these referendum issues, and we talk openly about it. I am able to see their points of view, even though I disagree. Sometimes I am even swayed by their reasoning. This is completely different from conspiracy theories such as anti-vax, anti-mask etc., which go directly against science and which I don't believe should be legitimised as opinion for a second.
So...I guess what I'm saying is don't feel bad for removing this person from your life.
posted by thereader at 12:55 PM on October 20, 2020 [2 favorites]
My friend's beliefs were not 'opinion'. I am in New Zealand - recently we had an election and voted on 2 referendums (euthanasia and marijuana laws). Many of my friends and colleagues have different opinions to me on politics and these referendum issues, and we talk openly about it. I am able to see their points of view, even though I disagree. Sometimes I am even swayed by their reasoning. This is completely different from conspiracy theories such as anti-vax, anti-mask etc., which go directly against science and which I don't believe should be legitimised as opinion for a second.
So...I guess what I'm saying is don't feel bad for removing this person from your life.
posted by thereader at 12:55 PM on October 20, 2020 [2 favorites]
Unless she's obsessive about Facebook or specifically goes looking for your profile, she will not notice if you unfriend her.
If she does notice, you can say something like "I'm trying to spend less time on Facebook and pare down my newsfeed a lot, it's nothing personal!"
If she's the kind of person who would take that personally, maybe it's not worth preserving the friendship.
posted by mekily at 1:13 PM on October 20, 2020
If she does notice, you can say something like "I'm trying to spend less time on Facebook and pare down my newsfeed a lot, it's nothing personal!"
If she's the kind of person who would take that personally, maybe it's not worth preserving the friendship.
posted by mekily at 1:13 PM on October 20, 2020
I'm of the camp that there's nothing wrong with maintaining or keeping a friend who has different perspectives on life. The cool thing about living on this planet is that we're living with literally billions of people who see things differently. Sometimes we find their views unorthodox, weird, and very different, but that's the beauty of life. We all learn from each other. Yes, it might be uncomfortable, but save for extreme cases, I see nothing wrong with just muting/unfollowing her and moving on.
If she did something specifically to you, or say something specifically about you, then yes, by all means, remove her if you feel uncomfortable. However, in this case, she just seems like someone who has different views on life. You don't have to agree with everything she says, or even like what her views are, but you never know—you might learn something new down the road. But yes, mute/unfollow and move on, that's what I'd do. My two cents :)
posted by thoughtful_analyst at 9:18 PM on October 20, 2020
If she did something specifically to you, or say something specifically about you, then yes, by all means, remove her if you feel uncomfortable. However, in this case, she just seems like someone who has different views on life. You don't have to agree with everything she says, or even like what her views are, but you never know—you might learn something new down the road. But yes, mute/unfollow and move on, that's what I'd do. My two cents :)
posted by thoughtful_analyst at 9:18 PM on October 20, 2020
You could block her, and then to her it would just look like you deleted your FB. If she texted and asked about it later you could handwave “oh yeah that was taking too much of my time.”
posted by hungrytiger at 9:26 PM on October 20, 2020
posted by hungrytiger at 9:26 PM on October 20, 2020
Best answer: I'm of the camp that when someone else's different "perspective" involves statements and actions that are actively harmful to others, especially to marginalized individuals, it is much healthier to unfriend and move on. Personally I think thereader nails it and anti-masker/anti-vaxx camps, along with QAnon-style conspiracies are anti-science and should not be legitimized as "opinion." This is not a perspective you will gain anything worthwhile from.
You say you're wasting mental energy on this - what are you getting out of it? Unfriend since it seems that Facebook is your main source of discomfort, be honest when she contacts you via other channels, and make any further decisions based on how she reacts at that point.
posted by DingoMutt at 9:52 PM on October 20, 2020
You say you're wasting mental energy on this - what are you getting out of it? Unfriend since it seems that Facebook is your main source of discomfort, be honest when she contacts you via other channels, and make any further decisions based on how she reacts at that point.
posted by DingoMutt at 9:52 PM on October 20, 2020
Response by poster: I finally pulled the plug and blocked her. Early in the election she was posting smug Bernie would have won stuff and today it's smug stuff about how we're hypocrites for electing a senile pedophile. And I'm just straight up done. Not sure I can even continue a friendship over text but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. I'm certainly not going to contact her.
posted by NotTheRedBaron at 2:11 PM on November 7, 2020
posted by NotTheRedBaron at 2:11 PM on November 7, 2020
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You want to be kind to her, but I suggest that you cut out "so that she still has connections outside of her conspiracy world" from your reasoning. It's not a good reason for maintaining a friendship.
posted by wryly at 8:46 PM on October 19, 2020 [1 favorite]