Mr Lonely
October 15, 2020 10:10 AM Subscribe
Extroverts of Metafilter, especially those who are single/live alone: How have you coped with not being able to socialise during the pandemic?
I am a very sociable person who feels recharged after being around other people.
6 months into the pandemic, I am very lonely and borderline depressed (I think). I live alone, work from home, and with where I live in the UK going into tier 2, this means that even my Covid-safe socialising now has to be dramatically curtailed. I don't live near many of my friends and they're asking us not to use public transport so... in short, it's back to Zoom calls.
In the old times, I was never worried about being alone because I got so much day to day interaction at work or through socialising with friends. I've always been the kind of person who likes her own company. I like to write fiction, think, read, watch TV etc - I'm very used to my own company. I am stressing this because I feel like people may advise me to learn to love my own company rather than depending on the company of others, so I just want to make it clear that I've been doing that for years. It's just that it feels like it's gotten kind of extreme now.
My work situation is very toxic and demanding, it asks me to function constantly as though I am at 100% when actually my inner battery levels never go above 20%. I would feel so much better if I could bounce off the energy of other actual real-life people.
I find Zoom calls/screen socialising extremely depressing. Not quite sure why. I schedule phone calls with family and friends most days, which I find a little better. I'm constantly in touch with work people via email, and with friends via text/Whatsapp etc but something about this kind of text-based communication makes me feel like I am talking to a robot, not a real-life, flesh and blood person.
So I'd love to know what other people who live alone, but thrive on quality human interaction, have been doing to keep their spirits up, souls replenished, and batteries charged during Covid. Maybe it'll give me some ideas.
I am a very sociable person who feels recharged after being around other people.
6 months into the pandemic, I am very lonely and borderline depressed (I think). I live alone, work from home, and with where I live in the UK going into tier 2, this means that even my Covid-safe socialising now has to be dramatically curtailed. I don't live near many of my friends and they're asking us not to use public transport so... in short, it's back to Zoom calls.
In the old times, I was never worried about being alone because I got so much day to day interaction at work or through socialising with friends. I've always been the kind of person who likes her own company. I like to write fiction, think, read, watch TV etc - I'm very used to my own company. I am stressing this because I feel like people may advise me to learn to love my own company rather than depending on the company of others, so I just want to make it clear that I've been doing that for years. It's just that it feels like it's gotten kind of extreme now.
My work situation is very toxic and demanding, it asks me to function constantly as though I am at 100% when actually my inner battery levels never go above 20%. I would feel so much better if I could bounce off the energy of other actual real-life people.
I find Zoom calls/screen socialising extremely depressing. Not quite sure why. I schedule phone calls with family and friends most days, which I find a little better. I'm constantly in touch with work people via email, and with friends via text/Whatsapp etc but something about this kind of text-based communication makes me feel like I am talking to a robot, not a real-life, flesh and blood person.
So I'd love to know what other people who live alone, but thrive on quality human interaction, have been doing to keep their spirits up, souls replenished, and batteries charged during Covid. Maybe it'll give me some ideas.
I live with my kids and have been seeing my partner, so I'm not in the same situation, but I wanted to suggest a few things:
Taking a walk while you talk on the phone with friends and family (in lieu of screens) is great because the physical movement can be a mental health boost. I think lots of folks are dealing with Zoom fatigue and socializing this way is tough. Maybe ask your friends that you text with if anyone is up for a regular morning chat a few mornings a week? Or maybe after work. Something like that. Being out of the house and moving while actually talking is a lot closer to regular social interactions than Zoom. I have a few friends I don't think I've ever talked to on the phone before who I now talk to via phone regularly. This is great with coworkers too -- I really recommend walking during work conversations while you're on the phone, even if it's just around your house.
Also, do you have any neighbors you're friendly with? Lots of folks are feeling pretty isolated right now. A friendly neighbor can be a great start to a casual friendship -- chatting across the fence or from the sidewalk to the front door can lead to some longer conversations. Folks seem a bit more willing to open up right now. My neighbor proposed a working lunch, where we eat lunch during the work day on the porch/outside/in very socially distant ways. This gets trickier with winter coming up, I realize, but the right clothing can help with this.
Also, do you go out for groceries and such? I am pretty chatty person in general, but I'm making a point to ask clerks how things are going for them right now, if folks have been friendly, kind, etc. This is all while wearing masks and being distant, but I feel like this extra level of asking folks how they're doing is appreciated by them and has led to a feeling of connection.
Also, with your job: do you have an end-of-work-day ritual to help transition you out of work mode? I don't, but I'm thinking this would help me shift from one mode to relaxing a bit more.
Something else I'm considering: in lieu of texting, playing an app-based game with a friend/relative. A bit lighter of a way to interact, with less pressure.
posted by bluedaisy at 10:37 AM on October 15, 2020 [2 favorites]
Taking a walk while you talk on the phone with friends and family (in lieu of screens) is great because the physical movement can be a mental health boost. I think lots of folks are dealing with Zoom fatigue and socializing this way is tough. Maybe ask your friends that you text with if anyone is up for a regular morning chat a few mornings a week? Or maybe after work. Something like that. Being out of the house and moving while actually talking is a lot closer to regular social interactions than Zoom. I have a few friends I don't think I've ever talked to on the phone before who I now talk to via phone regularly. This is great with coworkers too -- I really recommend walking during work conversations while you're on the phone, even if it's just around your house.
Also, do you have any neighbors you're friendly with? Lots of folks are feeling pretty isolated right now. A friendly neighbor can be a great start to a casual friendship -- chatting across the fence or from the sidewalk to the front door can lead to some longer conversations. Folks seem a bit more willing to open up right now. My neighbor proposed a working lunch, where we eat lunch during the work day on the porch/outside/in very socially distant ways. This gets trickier with winter coming up, I realize, but the right clothing can help with this.
Also, do you go out for groceries and such? I am pretty chatty person in general, but I'm making a point to ask clerks how things are going for them right now, if folks have been friendly, kind, etc. This is all while wearing masks and being distant, but I feel like this extra level of asking folks how they're doing is appreciated by them and has led to a feeling of connection.
Also, with your job: do you have an end-of-work-day ritual to help transition you out of work mode? I don't, but I'm thinking this would help me shift from one mode to relaxing a bit more.
Something else I'm considering: in lieu of texting, playing an app-based game with a friend/relative. A bit lighter of a way to interact, with less pressure.
posted by bluedaisy at 10:37 AM on October 15, 2020 [2 favorites]
I'm a teacher in a lively staffroom with dozens of in-person students a week; I also thrive on human activity. I hear you deeply on the enjoyment of your own company being a useful counterpoint to the other very social areas of your life.
Hong Kong, where I live, has never had a lockdown, just varying degrees of things being closed. But in trying to be a good neighbour and limit my contact with others, here's what I've been getting up to instead of my usual routine of shopping trips, gym sessions, football matches and nights at the pub. Some are self-care-ish, some are social, some are just ways to waste time - but all have helped me stay a bit more buoyant.
- meeting a friend and going kayaking wayyyy out in a country park
- baking something from the same recipe on Zoom with someone else at the same time
- solo hikes and walks on a local fitness trail and enjoying the other folks doing the same without speaking to them or really even getting too close; this was best during the hour before people were commuting because it was busy enough to feel lively without being thronged
- sitting on my roof and watching the sunset; listening to the birds go mental as they swoop to capture the insects just waking up for the evening
- wandering around my neighbourhood and looking for new small details (new moss! random graffiti!), then posting what I see on Instagram
- getting back on Keto and doing the annoying bits of weekly meal prep I hate doing, like chopping up a week's worth of ingredients
- continuing my online master's degree
- Kondoing my flat and donating a heap of stuff to charity
- looking on SquareFoot (in the UK I think this is Zoopla?) at laughably weird/expensive homes
- looking on AirBnB at tiny rural locations in the middle of rural Finland or something and daydreaming about being there
- yoga and stretching following along with a book instead of a video - much less hectic!
- organizing photos and ordering some to be printed/made into albums
- writing a ton of postcards and letters to relatives far away/back home with no real expectation of reply; sharing my "news" as time has slowed way down has been really nice
- researching local candidates for the upcoming US election and donating (I'm American)
- so many long-episode podcasts that I am forgiving myself for not listening to with full attention; just the presence of the human voice in my home is wonderful
Hope this helps! I'll leave you with this recent episode of Call Your Girlfriend, which kind of taps into similar feelings a bit.
posted by mdonley at 10:42 AM on October 15, 2020 [4 favorites]
Hong Kong, where I live, has never had a lockdown, just varying degrees of things being closed. But in trying to be a good neighbour and limit my contact with others, here's what I've been getting up to instead of my usual routine of shopping trips, gym sessions, football matches and nights at the pub. Some are self-care-ish, some are social, some are just ways to waste time - but all have helped me stay a bit more buoyant.
- meeting a friend and going kayaking wayyyy out in a country park
- baking something from the same recipe on Zoom with someone else at the same time
- solo hikes and walks on a local fitness trail and enjoying the other folks doing the same without speaking to them or really even getting too close; this was best during the hour before people were commuting because it was busy enough to feel lively without being thronged
- sitting on my roof and watching the sunset; listening to the birds go mental as they swoop to capture the insects just waking up for the evening
- wandering around my neighbourhood and looking for new small details (new moss! random graffiti!), then posting what I see on Instagram
- getting back on Keto and doing the annoying bits of weekly meal prep I hate doing, like chopping up a week's worth of ingredients
- continuing my online master's degree
- Kondoing my flat and donating a heap of stuff to charity
- looking on SquareFoot (in the UK I think this is Zoopla?) at laughably weird/expensive homes
- looking on AirBnB at tiny rural locations in the middle of rural Finland or something and daydreaming about being there
- yoga and stretching following along with a book instead of a video - much less hectic!
- organizing photos and ordering some to be printed/made into albums
- writing a ton of postcards and letters to relatives far away/back home with no real expectation of reply; sharing my "news" as time has slowed way down has been really nice
- researching local candidates for the upcoming US election and donating (I'm American)
- so many long-episode podcasts that I am forgiving myself for not listening to with full attention; just the presence of the human voice in my home is wonderful
Hope this helps! I'll leave you with this recent episode of Call Your Girlfriend, which kind of taps into similar feelings a bit.
posted by mdonley at 10:42 AM on October 15, 2020 [4 favorites]
You're describing my exact situation, except not in the UK. I've coped by finding a couple of people to "pod with" so there's some kind of social interaction for me. I'd have gone off the rails long before now without it ... even with it I'm hanging on by my fingernails.
For me it happens to be extended family who live nearby, but YMMV on that depending on your family and/or friend situation. It's not a perfectly "closed" pod for me -- the other people have more daily exposure than I do, and I recognize that it puts me at some degree of risk. But the alternate risk (frankly a much larger one) is a slide into even worse depression, and I'm happy with the calculus I've made.
Is there someone nearby who can serve this function for you?
posted by mccxxiii at 11:36 AM on October 15, 2020 [1 favorite]
For me it happens to be extended family who live nearby, but YMMV on that depending on your family and/or friend situation. It's not a perfectly "closed" pod for me -- the other people have more daily exposure than I do, and I recognize that it puts me at some degree of risk. But the alternate risk (frankly a much larger one) is a slide into even worse depression, and I'm happy with the calculus I've made.
Is there someone nearby who can serve this function for you?
posted by mccxxiii at 11:36 AM on October 15, 2020 [1 favorite]
I'm an extrovert who lives alone and this has been challenging for me too! A few thoughts/things that have helped me:
- When I have long, unstructured periods of time alone at home, I do much better if I'm spending most of that time doing something that keeps me off social media. So if I'm feeling energetic, that might mean cooking something involved or a creative project. Or if I just want to veg, that could mean reading a book (an actual book or on my kindle, not on my phone) or watching a movie without also scrolling on my phone. I have not really been able to keep up longer projects, but having 2-3 hour activities has worked well.
- Just spending less time on social media in general has helped a lot. This is really counterintuitive, I thought I would want to be on social media more to make up for not seeing people IRL, but it just makes me feel worse.
- Zoom, etc. calls are similar. I find them exhausting in a way IRL interactions rarely are for me. This is apparently an issue for extroverts! For some reason, I don't have the same issue with one-on-one phone calls.
- You say you don't live near many of your friends, but do you live near any of them? Could you form a pod? If that is allowed. I feel like the pod thing can be fraught for us extroverts (maybe I'm just speaking for myself here) because it's not how we're used to thinking about friendship, but it might be worth exploring. I've had to get used to the idea of a much smaller social circle, and now that winter is coming, I'm starting to think about whether or not I want a strict, insular pod so that we can hang out inside. But in general, I have found that I am just investing a lot more into a much smaller number of relationships. I've also become closer with a few friendly neighbors.
- Having a dog has helped A LOT during this time, since it forces me to leave the house at least a few times a day, and the dog park gives me that sort of "light" social outlet I missed. Obviously don't get a dog if you don't want one, but if you do think you'd like a dog, this might be a good time for it. Or if you have a dog, maybe longer walks/walks with friends?
- Oh and watch out for the depression. Take mental health days off work if you need to (don't say it's for mental health, just call it a sick day). Take vacation if you have it. Seek out therapy (online or over the phone) if you need to. This is a hard time.
posted by lunasol at 11:48 AM on October 15, 2020
- When I have long, unstructured periods of time alone at home, I do much better if I'm spending most of that time doing something that keeps me off social media. So if I'm feeling energetic, that might mean cooking something involved or a creative project. Or if I just want to veg, that could mean reading a book (an actual book or on my kindle, not on my phone) or watching a movie without also scrolling on my phone. I have not really been able to keep up longer projects, but having 2-3 hour activities has worked well.
- Just spending less time on social media in general has helped a lot. This is really counterintuitive, I thought I would want to be on social media more to make up for not seeing people IRL, but it just makes me feel worse.
- Zoom, etc. calls are similar. I find them exhausting in a way IRL interactions rarely are for me. This is apparently an issue for extroverts! For some reason, I don't have the same issue with one-on-one phone calls.
- You say you don't live near many of your friends, but do you live near any of them? Could you form a pod? If that is allowed. I feel like the pod thing can be fraught for us extroverts (maybe I'm just speaking for myself here) because it's not how we're used to thinking about friendship, but it might be worth exploring. I've had to get used to the idea of a much smaller social circle, and now that winter is coming, I'm starting to think about whether or not I want a strict, insular pod so that we can hang out inside. But in general, I have found that I am just investing a lot more into a much smaller number of relationships. I've also become closer with a few friendly neighbors.
- Having a dog has helped A LOT during this time, since it forces me to leave the house at least a few times a day, and the dog park gives me that sort of "light" social outlet I missed. Obviously don't get a dog if you don't want one, but if you do think you'd like a dog, this might be a good time for it. Or if you have a dog, maybe longer walks/walks with friends?
- Oh and watch out for the depression. Take mental health days off work if you need to (don't say it's for mental health, just call it a sick day). Take vacation if you have it. Seek out therapy (online or over the phone) if you need to. This is a hard time.
posted by lunasol at 11:48 AM on October 15, 2020
I endorse the advice above (walking phone calls are GREAT for me). Let me put in a defense of Zoom - if it's done well. Zoom events with an explicit activity attached to it can be really fun. It's Zoom without a specific activity that makes it feel totally depressing and like just an extension of work.
Since the pandemic started, I have periodically run a series of "Zoom events" for my friends that basically are variations on 3 themes:
1. Everyone is doing the same primary hobby activity and we have a drop-in Zoom on in the background while we do our thing (this has worked really well with sewing, because people can ask each other for advice or show off what they're working on, or sometimes there will be several minutes of silence but you also have company, which is really pleasant)
2. Some kind of "show and tell" Zoom with zero advance preparation required. I have done a "give a tour from your front porch/down your street" thing that was really fun. I've heard of other folks doing "let's meet each other's cats"
3. Coaxing my smarty pants friends into some kind of extremely weird quasi-lecture or workshop. I'm making some Ham Radio enthusiast friends do a Ham Radio Introduction Zoom workshop soon.
I will say.... people are surprisingly really, really into signing up for these events. Pre-pandemic I used to host big potlucks at my house, so this scratches my hostessing itch. If you are often the "event organizer" among your friends think about whether there is any super weird shit you could put together. People seem really grateful for someone to organize something fun and weird to help them take their minds off this timeline from hell, even if it's just for an hour.
posted by mostly vowels at 4:49 PM on October 15, 2020 [4 favorites]
Since the pandemic started, I have periodically run a series of "Zoom events" for my friends that basically are variations on 3 themes:
1. Everyone is doing the same primary hobby activity and we have a drop-in Zoom on in the background while we do our thing (this has worked really well with sewing, because people can ask each other for advice or show off what they're working on, or sometimes there will be several minutes of silence but you also have company, which is really pleasant)
2. Some kind of "show and tell" Zoom with zero advance preparation required. I have done a "give a tour from your front porch/down your street" thing that was really fun. I've heard of other folks doing "let's meet each other's cats"
3. Coaxing my smarty pants friends into some kind of extremely weird quasi-lecture or workshop. I'm making some Ham Radio enthusiast friends do a Ham Radio Introduction Zoom workshop soon.
I will say.... people are surprisingly really, really into signing up for these events. Pre-pandemic I used to host big potlucks at my house, so this scratches my hostessing itch. If you are often the "event organizer" among your friends think about whether there is any super weird shit you could put together. People seem really grateful for someone to organize something fun and weird to help them take their minds off this timeline from hell, even if it's just for an hour.
posted by mostly vowels at 4:49 PM on October 15, 2020 [4 favorites]
I have a few people to get together with - outdoors, masked - not very often, but it helps.
Zoom isn't very satisfying, but I do a few video calls.
Phone calls are good.
I'm so lucky to have a dog; he's cheerful and good company.
I'm immersing myself in Netflix, amzn prime video, etc, and that helps some.
I am seriously dreading winter because it will be hard to get together when it's 20F, windy, damp, miserable. But I did get warmer boots because being able to dress warmly should help me get outdoors for sunshine, exercise and at least waving at neighbors.
When I remind myself that Staying Home is how we manage the virus and reduce harm, and that Isolating is my job in this, as not-glamorous as it is, it helps me deal with how weird and lonely this time is.
posted by theora55 at 6:16 PM on October 15, 2020
Zoom isn't very satisfying, but I do a few video calls.
Phone calls are good.
I'm so lucky to have a dog; he's cheerful and good company.
I'm immersing myself in Netflix, amzn prime video, etc, and that helps some.
I am seriously dreading winter because it will be hard to get together when it's 20F, windy, damp, miserable. But I did get warmer boots because being able to dress warmly should help me get outdoors for sunshine, exercise and at least waving at neighbors.
When I remind myself that Staying Home is how we manage the virus and reduce harm, and that Isolating is my job in this, as not-glamorous as it is, it helps me deal with how weird and lonely this time is.
posted by theora55 at 6:16 PM on October 15, 2020
Oh one other thing that helps: novelty! I figured out a few months in with the help of my therapist that I really miss new experiences. Especially meeting new people, but just doing and seeing new or different things in general. So I've tried to make that happen when I remember too, and it always puts me in a better mood, sometimes for a few days.
posted by lunasol at 9:48 PM on October 15, 2020 [2 favorites]
posted by lunasol at 9:48 PM on October 15, 2020 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
We had a ton of fun just playing Scattergories, but you could do anything from pencil-and-paper games like Otherfoot or Mafia / Werewolf games all the way to a fully loaded D&D campaign.
posted by fifthpocket at 10:35 AM on October 15, 2020 [3 favorites]