stop me from texting "do u like me y/n"

September 28, 2020 2:02 PM

Nursing a long-simmering crush on a friend during quarantine—how to get over it?

I've been really into a friend of a mine ever since we've known each other, about a year now. I'm more of an initiator, so we slept together a few times, and I asked them out a year ago, to which they said no. Their rejection was something like, "I just got out of a long-term relationship, so I'm not ready for anything right now, and I think we could maybe be sexy friends but not romantic ones." I made a (sexual) pass at them a few months ago, which they nicely turned down.

Now we've been doing these really long video calls since COVID started—5-6 hours a week for the last three months. (An unusual length for me and probably them as well; for me, even a close friend wouldn't get more than 1.5 hours.) Since these calls are so long, they've rapidly moved up my friend leaderboard from "person I like and admire" to "tied for best friend." We're hanging out and collaborating on a project and being with them makes me so happy! I think we're both having a really great time on these calls, and are emotionally available for each other, and there's (somehow) sexual chemistry on the video call. The more I get to know this person, the more I'm into them, to the point where I can't stop thinking about them after these calls, and I'll think about them often during the week.

Now I'm trying to quash this crush because a little voice is telling me, "Read the room! Your friend already turned you down romantically AND sexually. If you're usually the one initiating, they just ain't into you that way." Another voice, stupidly, says, "But what if they changed their mind in the last year and like you? Isn't that the only reason someone would voluntarily sit on a video call for six hours?" The first voice replies, "They said what they said! Dumping your feelings on someone isn't worth messing up what is currently one of the most fulfilling relationships in your life. Get a cat, fool!"

Now I have a fulfilling social, work, and creative life outside of my relationship with this friend, so I (thankfully) don't think it's some kind of mania brought on by COVID isolation. I'm also on the market for a partner, but plenty of people have expressed interest in me and I've not reciprocated, and think it will be pretty easy to meet someone "after COVID." For some reason I just really crave intimacy with this person, to the point where I wish I could tell them that I love them (which leaves me feeling a little alarmed as well, but it is a real feeling)...

So, clearly this crush is taking up more brain space than I want it to, and for my sanity and the good of my friend, I would like to get over it. But how? Gardening or baking or yoga or running what have you is not going to soak up a specific, directed desire (and also, I'm already partaking in all these COVID diversions). I (thankfully) have more work/social/volunteer things than I can handle, and can't take on more commitments. I am reluctant to get a pet because, again, I'm not sure if I can take on more commitments, but maybe a cat would help? Or should I just give love to my existing circle of friends in a different way? Sure, another solution might be falling in love with someone else, but I am really reluctant to get on "the apps" because I don't think I have the energy to give or take things from virtual strangers right now. Or maybe I watch, like, a really emotionally-engrossing TV show? Write bad poetry?

Three more options:

• Maybe I should just tell this person I'm still super into them, and see if they have any interest? If there is a chill and purely-digital way to start this conversation, I would like to know. It just seems so gauche to send an email like "hey I like you, do you like me Y/N." (Obviously, if I got a "yes," I would be the happiest person in the world—but even if I got a firm "no" from them, I would probably still be into them...)
• I know that I tend to be an unusually obsessive person in general, and in the past, I've obsessed over ideas/projects/fandoms, so maybe being in lockdown had a weird emotional side effect on my obsessions? Is this something a therapist with particular expertise can help with?
• The nuclear option is to stop talking with this person—but I'm not gonna do that!

(BTW, we're both in our mid-20s, single, live a plane ride away, don't follow cishet norms.)

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (15 answers total)

FWIW, there's something well short of the nuclear option, which is to dial back from "hours a week" to the hour or two that you say you'd normally spend with a close friend, or even to a call every few weeks. You don't need to cut them off to give your heart a bit of space.
posted by nebulawindphone at 2:13 PM on September 28, 2020 [11 favorites]

Well, it's going to be nearly impossible to stop crushing on this person while still spending so much time engaged with them. You're saying that not interacting with them is the nuclear option, but that's really the only way to move past a crush like this. It seems like this is taking a LOT of your time and energy. You're saying you don't have energy to get on the apps -- but maybe that's because you are spending lots of time and energy obsessing over this person.

They've turned you down, yes, but it also seems like they are sending you some mixed signals, perhaps, if they are flirting. Or maybe that's your wishful thinking. I wonder if they are taking advantage of your positive energy and enthusiasm? In any case, I'm not sure I'd ask them out again. Seems boundary-violating. Rather, I might approach it more directly: "Hey, friend, you know in the past I've expressed interest in dating you. Well, all this time together has been fantastic and has only made me like you more. It's become ... difficult for me to continue to interact with you because of this. It doesn't feel super healthy for me. As much fun as this has been, I think I need to dial back our interactions."

If they want to date, it gives them an opening. But you haven't asked, and you are presuming that they are not interested. (And if they want more intimacy, they should want it enough to be able to address it.)

Maybe you don't need to go cold turkey, but I think it would probably be easier than what you're doing now.

And yes, Covid could absolutely be heightening this. I'm sorry. It sounds tough.
posted by bluedaisy at 2:17 PM on September 28, 2020 [9 favorites]

Mixed signals are often best read as a "no."

Even if it turned into a sort-of yes, or a sexual-but-not-romantic yes, despite the two past no's, you will almost certainly have a better, happier, more satisfying relationship with someone who is saying mostly enthusiastic yes-es rather than nos that you have to parse.

I would back off a bit and give your heart room to find others to be enthusiastic about.
posted by unstrungharp at 2:20 PM on September 28, 2020 [33 favorites]

First of all, I want to say that your feelings are entirely reasonable. Having the kind of relational chemistry with someone where you can spend 4-5 hours enjoyably on the phone with them is a really charged feeling. I have had this kind of experience both with burgeoning relationships, and with platonic friends. In all cases, it has felt intense and made me really consider whether my attraction to that person was romantic or platonic.

That said, I think your friend is inadvertently using you a bit and being an emotional vampire. I say that as someone who several times has been the one in a friendship who enjoyably participated in regular 5-6 hour chats, and then was taken aback that the person had a crush on me. I was younger and dumber then, and I hope I wouldn't do the same thing now without thinking more about the dynamics in a given situation. Looking back, I think it was selfish of me. I think there's a difference between having a friendship that is similar to the kind of friendship one has with various others (chatting an hour or two, maybe once or twice a week), and having the kind of intense friendship that is the sort of relationship that one typically only has with a significant other (really long chats, chatting multiple times a week, having that person be your go-to person to call when you have news or need advice, etc.). It's taking up the sort of energy in that person's life that would normally be filled by a significant other (and often means that that person doesn't/can't successfully date because of it). The telltale sign is that when one or the other person in such a relationship gets a real significant other, the situation usually promptly ends. If both people are happy with the kind of situation you're in, no problem. But in my experience, these sorts of situations usually involve one person being fine with it and the other person pining and wanting something more - and thinking something more will naturally result from the friendship, if they just wait it out long enough.

I think if you want last shot at a romantic relationship, there's not much harm in it. But I also agree with unstrungharp that if they were enthusiastic about being in a relationship with you and in the right space to do it, they would have done it. They've had enough invitation from you, and the ball is well and truly in their court. You could use bluedaisy's script if you want to get some closure, but honestly, I think your best move is just to dial it back. You can still chat for an hour or two, once or twice a week, but don't allow them to take up the kind of mental and emotional real estate in your life that they currently are. Use your newfound free time to force yourself to go on dates and see other friends. And if you can't handle that small level of contact without wanting more, go cold turkey. (FYI, There's a small chance that pulling back and being less available will make the other person suddenly be much more interested romantically.) I promise you that in a month or two, you'll feel much better.
posted by ClaireBear at 2:37 PM on September 28, 2020 [10 favorites]

I might use a script like "I'm realizing that the way we're interacting is rather date-like, which has the potential to create some confusion for me. I know that you're not up for a romantic or sexual relationship, and want to respect your boundaries and also take care of myself. I think it's better if we scale back the calls in future. I'm really glad we're friends and don't want to get our wires crossed."

I have, um, a friend with a bad friend-crush who has considered setting a rule that she has to text 5 potential dates or other friends before she can text her crush. Pandemic makes this so much harder ...and it would have been hard anyway. I'm sorry.
posted by bunderful at 2:46 PM on September 28, 2020 [15 favorites]

I think there is about a 10% chance that they are into you but don't want to spoil the friendship or hurt your feelings. I think there is about a 10% chance that they are feeling like they might be into you but aren't sure, and don't want to make a move that would spoil the friendship.

I think there is about an 80% chance that they like you somewhat, but don't want a relationship, but it is safe to flirt now because pandemic makes you sort of unavailable.

So you are probably best to keep this in friend territory, as hard as that is! It is up to you to decide if you can do with while still interacting regularly, interacting some but less, or if it's necessary to cut off contact. Be honest with yourself.

Keep in mind that if friendship is where this is destined to end up, it's okay to go no-contact or very-low-contact for awhile and then come back to the friendship once your feelings have cooled. You don't even have to say why - you can just say you need a break from so much video calling for the next month or so and then see how you feel.
posted by mai at 2:53 PM on September 28, 2020 [6 favorites]

It sounds to me like a good case for "lay it all out on the table"--like, everything you've said here. Your interest, your acknowledgment that it feels iffy because of the past no-thanks, your nervousness about messing up the friendship and your wish not to, the fact that you've got a lot going on and will be ok if the answer is no, and the fact that you're going ahead and asking because you're so fond of the person. A simple "I'm just asking one more time if you'd want to try this" with no other context does sound a little "get a cat." But the whole story makes room for more possible responses and a whole conversation.
posted by less of course at 5:04 PM on September 28, 2020

I would bring it up and frame it as something like the following: "I know we've talked about this in the past, but having these long video chats is bringing up some feelings about you and making me like you as more than a friend again. Is that still off the table for you? Because if it is I think we should scale back how much we're talking until the feelings are under control."
posted by Amy93 at 7:05 PM on September 28, 2020 [5 favorites]

I think bunderful has the good script here, it’s entirely fine to set some boundaries to preserve the friendship and let you get over some feelings and leave space for dating someone else. And also give them one more chance to let you know if things have changed. Expect both of you to be a little bummed and miss each other in the direct aftermath, if space is indeed the answer, but it’s survivable and passes (why yes I’ve had a similar conversation! Different context but same ask).
posted by jeweled accumulation at 7:11 PM on September 28, 2020

In addition to what's already been said, finding a way to express those desires to have a relationship that don't involve them will help "clear the chamber".

I read novels with strong romance component (I'm not generally into such things, so it's a rare occurance), watch films in which you can lust after a specific fictional character, or play dating sims or other games with a strong romantic component. I have a friend who dealt with such a problem via the Dragon Age series, I enjoy the Sims for the same itch. If you are up for it, writing romantic fanfic in a favourite setting with characters you enjoy contemplating pairing up would probably take up some of that romantic energy too.

Just...different ways of expressing the desire for a new relationship that don't involve real people. In other times I'd suggest spending time with other people too but life's tough right now for that.
posted by Jilder at 11:17 PM on September 28, 2020 [1 favorite]

I think Clairebear has it. I don't think your friend wants to date you. I think your friend wants to be your surrogate-theyfriend (?! partner feels too strong) whose friend is crushing on them. There was another post about this dynamic long back here, you could try to find it.

I have been your friend with male friends (basically in a romantic bff relationship but uninterested in dating). It's selfish but feels good at the time and you rationalize it to yourself a lot. Other women (usually straight) have done this to me in turn. This was less fun but it definitely took two to tango.

So: what should you do? Enjoy it for what it is? (A distraction at a time when we could all kinda use one). Scale back and find a more reciprocal partner? Prob a healthier option. Ask them out just to get that voice in your head to shut up? (Then enjoy a new ruminating pastime deconstructing every nuanced gesture of their "no."?) That's kind of up to you. I have done all these and they have all been done to me and I am honestly not sure which to recommend.
posted by athirstforsalt at 1:55 AM on September 29, 2020 [1 favorite]

I understand a lot of how you're feeling -- I think that I have the same kind of obsessive personality, and I have also spent a lot of Plague Times mentally immersed in a crush (although the circumstances of my crush are very different).

You have already had a sexual relationship with this person in the past. On the one hand, they have in fact already said no to you multiple times, which puts the ball for any future overtures in their court. On the other hand, I understand that part of you is coming up with every possible scenario in which they want to reach out to you but aren't doing it for some very good reason, like assuming that because they turned you down multiple times you are no longer interested. And maybe your relationship really has changed substantially since the last time they said "no". Maybe you realise that this is wishful thinking, but part of your brain keeps whispering "ooh, but what if?!". (My brain does this too.)

In your case, because the other person is already aware of your past feelings for them, I think it wouldn't be entirely out of order for you to lay out your current feelings (exactly once!) to make it perfectly clear where you stand and find out what they think. But if the response you receive is not favourable, you really, really need to make peace with this relationship not ever being what you want it to be.

By doing this, you may be risking blowing up the relationship as it is now. But as long as you don't have this clarity, you will have a pretext to project feelings and intentions onto this person which aren't real.

In my past experience crushes do eventually fade by themselves -- but I think it's less likely happen the more you feed one.
posted by confluency at 2:15 AM on September 29, 2020

I agree with less of course. Why not lay it down on the line?

I've been in a comparable situation and know only too well so much of what you describe. But what I had to keep telling myself, and what I'm saying to you now, is that this isn't a fulfilling relationship as it currently stands. Sure, it's enjoyable and wonderful and terrible and you're constantly on the knife edge between hope and despair etc, but you are worth someone who is totally unambiguous about how much they're into you, not someone who, knowingly or unknowingly, is meeting some of your needs while not actually like, being your person when that is what you want.
posted by unicorn chaser at 2:16 AM on September 29, 2020

I forgot to add: I don't think there's anything wrong with having crushes, as long as they don't make you more unhappy than happy, or start negatively affecting your life or other people's lives. It's completely fine to enjoy the feeling of being in love with someone, even even if you know perfectly well that it's unrequited, especially under the present circumstances where opportunities to socialise and especially to make new connections are limited. But from your post it sounds like your crush is crossing the line into making you unhappy.
posted by confluency at 2:32 AM on September 29, 2020

For some people a crush is a fun, light, and happy thing. They might find it fun and enjoyable to spend 6 hours a week talking to their crush, and find it desirable to have a sexy-but-not-romantic "crush" that they have no interest in dating. They don't have any hopes and dreams about this crush, it's just an enjoyable way to spend time when they don't have anything better to do (which they probably have more time to do now, because covid).


For some people a crush is a very heavy thing, that compels them to spend as much time as possible with the person they are attracted to. With each hint that there might be something romantic happening finally brings great joy, and each dashed hope great heartache. Each hit of dopamine joy reinforcing the attraction, each low chasing that feeling. Lots of darkness but also lots of hope. Lots of analyzing all of your interactions (which they probably have more time to do now, because covid).

When both types of people have a crush on each other, it means something entirely different in each of their lives, and it's going to be a very painful situation for one of them.

My advice to you is to google "limerence". There are a lot of resources out there and different ones will resonate with different people.

(And yes, you can get rid of it while still interacting with the person somewhat but you are playing on hard mode. The easiest mode is to meet someone else who you can start a mutual romantic relationship with, but that's not likely, because covid)
posted by yohko at 8:53 PM on September 29, 2020 [2 favorites]