Asking ex partner to unfriend me?

September 20, 2020 1:34 PM

I’m sure I’m not the first person to go through this... I’m to the point where I need to ask my ex wife to unfriend me so she doesn’t have to be subject to seeing me be happy about a new relationship. Blocking seems shitty. Is there a script for this? Apologies if I worded anything wrong here. I’m trying to be kind.
posted by ftm to Human Relations (32 answers total)

You don't need to ask her to do anything. Either unfriend her yourself or let her decide for herself whether or not she can handle seeing you in a happy new relationship.
posted by BlahLaLa at 1:38 PM on September 20, 2020 [91 favorites]

This is really kind of you, but I think you could stand to back up a second, and consider your boundaries with her before proceeding.

Has she asked for your help in handling her feelings? If so, that's an inappropriate thing to ask of an ex. Warning an ex that you're about to be happy and that she better prepare herself is also inappropriate. I think you should not do this.
posted by fritley at 1:39 PM on September 20, 2020 [40 favorites]

Tbh, I don't see why you would ask her to do this. If she finds your posts too painful to see, then she will unfriend or block you herself. If she wants to keep seeing them, who are you to tell her that is unhealthy, or that she should stop?

Perhaps the real issue here is your own feelings about moving on. You feel uncomfortable sharing things online, knowing that she will see them. That uncomfortable feeling is about you, not her. To frame it as you being concerned for her feelings sounds a bit like projection.

Is there a reason you can't just unfriend her yourself? Or filter her access so that she can't see most of your posts? If this is about your feelings, imagining her seeing you in a new relationship, then you have the power to deal with that. It's not really your job to manager her emotions and choices anymore.
posted by EllaEm at 1:41 PM on September 20, 2020 [39 favorites]

I'm with BlahLaLa, just unfriend her yourself. If this is Facebook, she won't be notified you have done it if that's what you're worried about.
posted by Fukiyama at 1:49 PM on September 20, 2020 [9 favorites]

Thirding the suggestion to just unfriend her yourself. She won't know it happened.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 2:05 PM on September 20, 2020 [1 favorite]

Well, she'll eventually notice the unfriending, if you unfriend her. If you're talking about Facebook, another option is to technically stay friends but also set it up (using the "Friends except..." function) so your default friends-only posts don't end up in her feed, nor will she see them if she visits your profile.

(Agreed that you shouldn't ask her to unfriend you, nor give her a patronizing heads-up that you're about to have happy posts. She may in fact have already unfollowed your posts without unfriending you.)
posted by lisa g at 2:15 PM on September 20, 2020 [32 favorites]

Coming in to say what lisa g says. Don't unfriend her, just set your audience to exclude her from your posts.
posted by ojocaliente at 2:18 PM on September 20, 2020 [1 favorite]

Or unfriend her, but tell her you’re doing it - because you need the space, or whatever is a non-offensive, non-patronizing way to tell the truth. She will notice eventually and I would certainly prefer my ex be upfront about it rather than figure it out later and feel like they snuck around and weren’t honest. However, everyone is different and every relationship is different. But absolutely don’t tell her to unfriend you. If you think it needs to happen, then do it for your own sake, because you can’t handle being internet friends (even if it’s just because you’re seeing her pain).
posted by sumiami at 2:36 PM on September 20, 2020 [6 favorites]

It would be nice to tell her your new status personally. It is not up to you how she should manage the news. Really.
posted by theora55 at 3:07 PM on September 20, 2020 [3 favorites]

I wouldn't unfriend her, just filter the posts you are uncomfortable with to keep your ex from seeing them, if it bothers you that much. If you do retain an amicable relationship, suddenly dropping her on Facebook with no explanation might seem cold.
posted by Armed Only With Hubris at 3:17 PM on September 20, 2020 [2 favorites]

Kinda think this is on her to do as she sees fit.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 3:26 PM on September 20, 2020 [5 favorites]

"I find myself inclined to self-censor because I don't want to hurt your feelings by posting about my new relationship. I think it would probably be easier for me if I unfriended you, but I didn't want to just block you out of the blue so I am letting you know."

Because making it more about her feelings than it is about yours would be kind of presumptuous.
posted by jacquilynne at 3:40 PM on September 20, 2020 [9 favorites]

What about a message with a gentle content warning to your ex-partner? An email that says,
"I am in a happy new relationship, and I wanted to warn you that there will be social media content about it. If you're not up for that, you can unfriend me, and I won't take it personally. I hope you are well."
I think giving them a 'head's up' shows care, but respects their ability to make good decisions for themselves.
posted by unstrungharp at 4:26 PM on September 20, 2020 [9 favorites]

Seconding what fritley said. Whether you realize it or not, telling her that you're about to be happy and that she'd better prepare herself is actually really mean, especially since it's very likely you're actually doing it for you, not her. Your guilty feelings about the divorce are yours to deal with, not hers. You have no right to manage her feelings for her.
posted by holborne at 4:28 PM on September 20, 2020 [27 favorites]

I don't think there's a non-presumptuous, non-demeaning way to tell someone "I want you to unfriend me because I don't think you can handle seeing me being happy with someone else." It comes across as being shittier than just flat out blocking someone.
posted by sm1tten at 4:30 PM on September 20, 2020 [36 favorites]

Btw, if you're genuinely that concerned about your ex-wife's feelings, there is the option of just not posting about your new relationship on social media right away. People have had new relationships for hundreds of years, and until maybe ten years ago, always got by just fine without having to announce them on the internet.
posted by holborne at 4:34 PM on September 20, 2020 [18 favorites]

The couple times a recent ex believed I would have...feelings...about a new partnership in their life....they were very wrong.
posted by blue suede stockings at 4:42 PM on September 20, 2020 [22 favorites]

Unfriend already! Why are you still following each other anyway? You don't have to follow someone for the rest of their life because you once dated. You also don't need to send a message announcing this since this usually happens in the natural course of events after a breakup. Unfollow, move on, and don't overthink this.
posted by shoesietart at 5:26 PM on September 20, 2020 [4 favorites]

Hi, I am an ex-wife, and I was very capable of managing my FB settings to not see my ex's activity, or not all of it. She can do that too.

And yes the fact that he immediately started dating was an excellent reminder to me to do so. But I was fine. She will be too.

Or yeah, just unfriend/block her and your problem goes away.
posted by emjaybee at 5:54 PM on September 20, 2020 [9 favorites]

I agree with everyone above that you either choose to unfriend her or let her decide. That said, I would be so fucking insulted if an ex said they wanted *me* to unfriend them because they were happy in a new relationship and didn’t want to make me feel bad. I know you have good intentions but it’s, like, unless you have kids together, you gave up having any real meaningful effect on her life in any way once you two got divorced. I have a feeling that you two aren’t that close anymore because, if you were, chances are you’d be in communication and you two would have talked already. If I may, as a single woman who dates divorced people, I think a lot of divorced men overestimate their lingering presence and value in their ex-wives’ lives. If you do want to give her a heads up, keep your note simple: “Hey Name, I wanted to let you know they I’ve started seeing someone seriously and will start posting pictures of us together. Because I care about you, I wanted to let you firsthand. Thank you!” No qualifiers, no apologies, no well-intentioned-yet-patronizing tone. Being in a new relationship after a divorce is not a sign that you’re any better or any happier than she is as a single person (and she may be seeing someone herself!), which I know you know but is worth reiterating.

And, of course, congratulations on your new relationship and the happiness it’s bringing you!
posted by smorgasbord at 6:28 PM on September 20, 2020 [18 favorites]

Also, if you are so concerned about her well-being in that this news would truly hurt her, it sounds like you may have had a co-dependent dynamic and cutting the cord this way — unfriending on Facebook, being open about a new relationship, etc. — you’re doing the both of you a favor in the long-run. She can reach out to her support network and work on her next stage of healing.
posted by smorgasbord at 6:32 PM on September 20, 2020 [3 favorites]

This all certainly depends on what kind of relationship you have with your ex. If you're friendly and want to remain so, it's a very gallant gesture to give a heads up about your new relationship. For the social media part... it's social media, so don't sweat it so much? Worry about the human behind the profile if you want to focus your energy on something in this equation. The app seems like an afterthought, and any action you take on it is going to be exclusively, justifiably your call.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 7:13 PM on September 20, 2020

Ugh, I once dated a guy who was so paranoid about posting anything on Facebook that his ex-wife could misinterpret. He finally unfriended her and felt a lot lighter. I found social media a lot friendlier when I unfriended my ex-husband—and he and I are pretty amicable in real life.

It’s really weird, to ask someone to unfriend you. It’s like you’re pushing them to make the decision and won’t just own it yourself. Rip the bandaid off and unfriend her. I suspect your current partner will be a lot happier when you aren’t fretting about your ex-wife’s feelings (and frankly, this concern of yours should be a huge red flag to them).
posted by bluedaisy at 11:35 PM on September 20, 2020 [4 favorites]

I think asking your ex-wife to unfriend you so you don't have to feel bad about posting updates about your new relationship will come across as patronizing and selfish - like you need to be acknowledged as the good guy so you ask HER to do the heavy lifting.

Unfriending her yourself or changing your settings so that she won't see the new pictures would be much kinder. You don't have to worry about how being unfriended by you is going to feel - yes, it's a small act of rejection (of sorts) but that's just a blip compared to the actual divorce.

If she does not know about the new relationship yet and for some reason you still communicate, like about logistics, you can matter-of-factly mention that you are now seeing someone.
posted by M. at 1:47 AM on September 21, 2020 [3 favorites]

I may be seeing things that aren’t there, but you said in your last question that your divorce ended with your ex being betrayed and blindsided by you. If that has anything to do with this new relationship, and you’re finally going public with it now that the divorce has finalised, just unfriend your wife. If this is true, I would amend your question to include it, it makes a difference.
posted by Jubey at 2:22 AM on September 21, 2020 [16 favorites]

Seconding Jubey’s thoughts. In previous asks you appear to have feelings of remorse and say that your former spouse was “blindsided” by you. You also imply that you and your current partner had a “complicated journey” but are “finally together.” These two things in combination suggest that, while your current relationship may not be the root cause in your marriage’s breakup, it is not entirely unrelated even if only in the way things played out.

I get it that you still care for your former spouse. But literally asking her to do the heavy emotional lifting of unfriending you rather than doing it yourself would be self indulgent and the opposite of caring. If you care about her feelings that much, there are plenty of things you can do other than asking her to unfriend you on social media. You can unfriend her. You can put her on a restricted list. You can create different social media accounts. You can even (gasp!) simply refrain from posting about your new relationship for a while out of a sense of propriety and consideration. Or, if living your life online for public consumption is a dealbreaker, you can tone down the lovey-lovey-happy-happy stuff and post about other things.
posted by slkinsey at 6:58 AM on September 21, 2020 [8 favorites]

Just don't post about it on social media, or use a different list to exclude her from seeing certain posts.

I'd be pretty annoyed with an ex who came to me about this, honestly.
posted by RajahKing at 7:30 AM on September 21, 2020 [7 favorites]

Yeah, if the person you want to post about being happy with is someone you cheated on your wife with or left your wife for, then I retract my previous advice. Reaching out to her about this at all would be both cruel and self-serving. Either unfriend her or put her in restricted profile view. Do it quietly and deal with your own feelings of guilt about your actions. Don't lay them on her and try to manipulate her into making you feel better about your past behaviour.
posted by jacquilynne at 7:39 AM on September 21, 2020 [11 favorites]

You betrayed your ex wife (your own words, from previous questions) and blindsided her with a divorce. With all due respect, asking her anything is out of line. No requests are appropriate, no questions are appropriate. Go to therapy to process your own feelings of guilt which are coming out sideways in several of your most recent questions - including asking how to make her feel better after the divorce! Unfriend and block her like a normal person, and get on with it. She deserves a clean break, not a constant drip-drip-drip of your continued presence in her life, even virtually.
posted by juniperesque at 7:44 AM on September 21, 2020 [16 favorites]

Just unfriend her yourself.
posted by augustimagination at 9:28 AM on September 21, 2020

It will be very weird to ask her this, and I can understand why you don't want to unfriend her. This is what filters are made for.
posted by latkes at 11:40 AM on September 21, 2020

I can't imagine getting a message "warning" me that someone is in a happy new relationship and I might wish to unfriend them and not having that come across as obnoxious yet pathetic bragging. I wouldn't be offended or hurt by such bragging, but I would tell many of my friends about it because it would be hilariously funny to me. It kind of comes across as wanting to make absolutely sure someone else noticed you were in a happy! relationship! now!

If you want to give your ex a funny story to tell about how you had to announce to them you were in a happy relationship, go for it, but most people just use the permissions settings built in to facebook or unfriend if they feel there's something they don't want someone to see.

You might also want to consider how this would come across to the person you are in your current relationship with -- "talked to my ex today, wanted to warn them that they would be seeing me being happy!". It could come across as though you see them as a trophy to show off to others. Maybe that's a part of your relationship already, in which case I suppose you don't have anything to worry about there.
posted by yohko at 11:38 PM on September 21, 2020 [3 favorites]