Help me understand my breakup
September 18, 2020 6:01 PM   Subscribe

I just had a really awful breakup and I need help understanding it. I was happy and then we were broken up within an hour. I want to know how I could have done better so that I don’t make the same mistakes again.

This is going to be long-winded – apologies in advance!

My boyfriend and I have been dating for four years altogether but we’ve both really struggled with it in different ways. I had extremely controlling parents that I was trying to please for a long time. He became an alcoholic, which was very hard. We had geography issues and were long distance for a large part of it. We broke up multiple times. We both have challenging jobs on top of all of this. We love each other an incredible amount, and I think that’s what has let us stay together for so long. I love him so much. I miss him a lot. Covid has been tough because we’ve gone four months without seeing each other because of it. We've honestly had to deal with such a bad hand, and I genuinely think we've tried to make the best of it.

We usually call multiple times a day, and I called him this afternoon to catch up. It’s been a long day for both of us, and I think that definitely made it all worse. We’re both going through a stressful time at work, and he is sleeping badly. We both talked about work for a little bit, and then I started talking about a hotel I wanted to visit. He told me that no one goes there and only people from the nearby city ever visit. I told him that I want to go because the hotel is interesting, not for the location. He kept saying that there’s no reason to go. I also talked about an event I’m attending tomorrow and how the friend I invited declined my invite because she had other plans. He said that it was just her way of letting me down easy because she didn’t want to go. I told him that I knew her, and she really did want to go but she had to attend another event she had already committed to. He disagreed.

By this point in the conversation, I wasn’t feeling the best. It felt like our conversation had been quite negative. He had recently sent me flowers, and I mentioned that I wanted to use the same florist for our wedding because I love their bouquets. We’re not engaged, but we’ve talked about my moving to his city next year and becoming more committed, and I was really excited to share that I loved the florist so much. He said that it was unhelpful that I said that and I need to stop. He said that I always talk bigger than what I’m willing to do. I said that I was serious about it, and that he needs to be able to take me seriously. Somehow we got onto the topic of sex toys. I wanted to try them with him, but he kept telling me that I always talk a bigger game than I’m willing to do, and that it’s unhelpful. I told him that I mean it and that if he wants to try it, he should take me at my word. He repeated that what I was doing was unhelpful. I asked him what he means, and he said he didn’t want to talk about it. That’s when I honestly got pretty frustrated and upset, so I ended the call and said we should talk later. I was really hurt honestly. I was trying to connect with him and I was really so excited, and I felt completely shut down.

The context behind all of this is that he wanted to get married two years ago, gave me an ultimatum, I agreed but then backed out of it because I wasn’t ready. Then I proposed to him and we talked about eloping but that also didn’t go anywhere. I was trying so so hard to be ready to be married because I knew how important it was to him but in the end I just couldn’t force myself to do it. I completely understand how that destroyed a lot of our trust. I know that I screwed up. Recently the way I feel has completely changed. We’ve talked a lot about it. I’m not scared anymore. I feel finally ready. I’m excited for our future together. I told him I am ready to be married, I want to move to his city next year, and I want to figure out how to live a life together. I’ve told him I’ll pay for his mortgage if he loses his job. I've already told my parents I want to move next year. I’ve been talking a lot more about commitment. I’ve been planning trips for us. I know that my previous commitment phobia really scared him, and I’ve been trying really hard to show him how much I want to be with him. But I think it hasn’t been enough.

Back to what happened today. After that prior conversation, I was so upset that I sent him an email asking him what he meant. It was probably more upset and frustrated than it should have been. I felt like I couldn’t do anything right, that I couldn’t talk to him about marriage or commitment anymore because I wasn’t ready two years ago. He replied back that commitment is more than just words, that it’s building a life together.

We got on another call right after that. I told him that I really wanted to know what he meant by “unhelpful” because I didn’t understand. By this point I was frustrated and angry. I told him I felt like our whole conversation was so negative and that he was lashing out at me. That how he responded to my talking about the hotel just felt like his putting me down, that his insistence about my friend felt like the same, and that I really didn’t understand what he meant by telling me that I was being unhelpful. I told him that I had been genuinely excited and wanted to connect with him, and I want to understand if I did something wrong. I told him that if I said something that upsets him, or that if I can be doing more to show him I’m committed, I want to understand and to better support him. He told me that he's working so hard and he's so tired that he can't figure out what was wrong about what I did. He just can't tell me. He told me that my interpretation of what happened is so different from his that it’s like we’re on Pluto and Mars. I have a flight to visit him next week (we were both so excited and it was our 4 year anniversary!) and he told me that based on what I said, I shouldn’t come. He told me that we’re clearly just so far apart in our interpretations that we couldn’t understand each other. I told him that all I wanted to do was to understand him! I told him that and I was frankly so angry at this point that I also said if he thinks that, then we should just break up because we’re not going to see each other anyway. He said okay we should. And I hung up. I was so angry and SO hurt. I don’t know. The anger died away and now I'm just sad and heartbroken. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. And now... I don't know what I'm going to do.

I know that this is it for us. We’ve broken up before, but I really don’t think we can handle our hurting each other like this over and over again. This is it. It’s the end. It’s over. I know that a large part of it was because our relationship was already weak, so something so small just completely broke us. Maybe we're just incompatible. We've been through so much and it's so stupid that this was what ended our relationship. I know that he never really felt sure of my change of heart. I know that contributed to it. We're both tired of this merry-go-round.

Can you tell me what I did wrong? How could I have handled that conversation better?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (21 answers total)
 
You didn’t break up because of one conversation.
posted by kevinbelt at 6:14 PM on September 18, 2020 [52 favorites]


> I also said if he thinks that, then we should just break up

Only bring up breaking up if you want to break up.

Consider an analogy. Let's say your boss offers to promote you. You say yes excitedly and tell your friends. After celebrating, your boss retracts the promotion.

For the next two years, your boss alludes to promoting you but doesn't actually do it. It is always around the corner. You look sad one day, and your boss says "If you're going to look sad, just consider yourself fired."

Then after you are reeling, your boss talks about how much they really wish they could promote you.

Would you feel good at that job?

If you want to make it work, go to therapy, stop talking about breaking up, buy a ring and propose to him.
posted by cheesecake at 6:16 PM on September 18, 2020 [12 favorites]


Relationships take work but probably good ones don't take this much work and suffer from so much blatant and mutual miscommunication. We want want we want, and sure work more for it if you truly desire. But this seems so tiresome from the outside, and he probably doesn't seem that great once you get a little distance.
posted by SaltySalticid at 6:19 PM on September 18, 2020 [21 favorites]


Can you tell me what I did wrong? How could I have handled that conversation better?


You didn't do anything wrong. Your history has a lot to unpack and you should consider doing a lot of journaling, confiding in a friend, seeing a therapist, or all of the above.

This is not your fault or your doing. It sounds like there is a lot of ambivalence and a lot of it is your subconscious looking out for you, but you don't really know what you actually feel or think about being with this dude.

Who sounds more trouble than he's worth, to be honest.

I think you need to unpack this independent of your relationship with him. There isn't one positive detail about him in your telling. It is mostly excuses for how his shitty behavior naturally resulted from your completely rational behavior.

I know how hard this is to hear, because I have been there and it pains me still, but I think he might be a jerk.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 6:23 PM on September 18, 2020 [20 favorites]


You didn't do anything wrong. This conversation didn't end things. It really sounds like he wasn't ready to move forward with you (for whatever reason that is - we don't know). That's why he downplayed your talk of the wedding. That's why he tried to tell you that your friend wasn't interested - he was putting himself in your friend's shoes.

Breakups suck. And more so when they're unexpected. The only way out is through. You won't be able to reason your way through this one. Just embrace the sadness and keep wallow if you want to. Push forward, and someday you'll feel better and glad that he's not by your side.

Relationships aren't about right and wrong. You are who you are, and it's not your fault that he didn't accept that. Someone else will!
posted by hydra77 at 6:25 PM on September 18, 2020 [4 favorites]


Hi anonymous, I'm going to give you a different perspective: this was a *great* breakup. Because from your description, you were not in a good relationship. You've spent years struggling, and you and your ex were bickering in your discussions, and your ex is kind of a dick. You two take stress out on each other, and oh yes he's an alcoholic.

With respect, I think this is a great gift to you that will give you a chance to get to know yourself better and grow up.

I think you are mired in the sunk-cost fallacy: because you've been through a lot, you should stay together. Try thinking of it another way. If you were just starting to date, and he talked to you the way he did on your conversation today, would you want to go on a second date with him?
posted by medusa at 7:04 PM on September 18, 2020 [89 favorites]


It seems like you need to be closer together. You’re having communication breakdowns and he’s questioning your integrity. Of course it may be all talk and no action when you’re not physically together.

The most important part — the alcoholic part. Is he currently sober? Being in a relationship with an alcoholic is the worst kind of misery and planning for marriage or increased commitment with an alcoholic who is not in recovery is looking for trouble.
posted by loveandhappiness at 7:06 PM on September 18, 2020 [6 favorites]


If you all get back together, you *must* see a couples counselor right from the start. Do not, under any circumstance, consider re-initiating a relationship with this man unless you both agree to be in counseling together from day one.

You were both tired and frustrated. You both vented. Will this break up stick? I have no idea. But it sounds like you both aren't willing, at the same time, to do the work to be in this relationship. It's okay to move on.
posted by bluedaisy at 7:07 PM on September 18, 2020 [1 favorite]


You’ve broken up multiple times before and its only been 4 years? Cut ties, spend time and reflection, (and maybe some sex toys?) on yourself, and then see where you’re at with life and figuring out the kind of partnership you want (or maybe whether or not you want a partnership at all).
posted by HMSSM at 7:17 PM on September 18, 2020 [8 favorites]


It seems to me that you got frustrated and suggested breaking up, thinking you weren't actually going to breakup and this would be the wake-up call he needed to stop acting passive aggressive and start communicating effectively. It was poorly handled on both sides and he sounds remarkably immature. You, however, said something you didn't mean - you said you guys should break up. Why are you blindsided when you guys have a troubled history and this was your idea?

You each behaved immaturely and it sounds like you have a lot to learn before your next relationship.

Don't say things you don't mean.

Don't date men who are incapable of handling their own emotions in a mature manner.

Communicate openly, honestly, and as clearly as possible. It's going to take work and likely therapy for you to get there. Not everyone will meet you where you are, but eventually someone will. And when that happens, I promise the relationship will feel easy.

I know it's hard and so, so painful. It gets easier with time, I promise.

Good luck.
posted by Amy93 at 7:21 PM on September 18, 2020 [8 favorites]


It will take you some months to even start understanding this, but this was a zombie relationship that died years ago. There's stuff you just don't come back from, and an ill-advised wedding/cancelled wedding is one of them.

You cannot just will a bad relationship into being a good one, no matter how much you sacrifice or sublimate yourself.
posted by Lyn Never at 7:26 PM on September 18, 2020 [33 favorites]


You said your boyfriend was an alcoholic, but you didn't say whether he is or isn't still drinking. What I'm getting at it, is it possible he was intoxicated? The conversation you recorded was very resonant of interactions I had with an alcoholic family member. Sometimes, when she was on her nth drink, she'd tip over. While she'd still seem sober, her behavior would undergo a disturbing change. She'd become subtly and gratuitously insulting, blaming, quick to anger, and indifferent to the pain she was causing me. On top of it, the convos had a crazy-making quality, since alcoholics aren't exactly known for their reasoning ability.

I bring this up because your convo with your BF tonight reminded me of my interactions with my drunk. It was the first thing that came to my mind.

If your BF has fallen off the wagon (assuming he'd quit drinking) it wouldn't excuse him, of course. Sadly, I think it would just be a reason for to you to run--not walk--away from this relationship. But I admittedly have a very bleak view of alcoholics.
posted by Transl3y at 7:30 PM on September 18, 2020 [8 favorites]


I don’t know what happened, but I do know that healthy, happy relationships aren’t this difficult.
posted by Orange Dinosaur Slide at 7:44 PM on September 18, 2020 [20 favorites]


This relationship was broken long ago and you've just stopped trying to patch over the cracks. Multiple breakups are always a sign of a doomed relationship -- have you ever seen a relationship this fraught become a healthy, happy one? I certainly haven't. He's an alcoholic, and as others have pointed out, you don't mention whether he's even in recovery.

You mention you have controlling parents whom you tried to please. It sounds to me like you've been repeating that pattern with this guy, and have been working very hard to manage his not-good treatment of you with an excessive amount of emotional labour.

he wanted to get married two years ago, gave me an ultimatum

This, for instance, is a totally unhealthy basis for an engagement. Marriage should never be about one person strong-arming the other into marriage and/or, as you put it in your case, one person trying to force themselves to do it because they know how important it is to the other person. It should be a matter of two people agreeing to get married because they have both individually decided they are ready and willing to commit to spending the rest of their lives together.

I'd suggest that you focus on moving ahead with your life as a single person. Connect with family and friends, start thinking about what you'd like to do/accomplish now that you are free to do whatever you want to do instead of needing to make us decisions, and consider whether you need therapy or maybe to just do some reading up on the issues you have. Best of luck to you!
posted by orange swan at 8:08 PM on September 18, 2020 [11 favorites]


I had a similar response to what Transl3y said. Look up codependency if you're not familiar with it. I know it's hard to see it now, but it is probably good that the relationship ended before you moved to be with him.
posted by wondermouse at 8:22 PM on September 18, 2020 [9 favorites]


This might be for the best. You didn't do anything wrong - your pace and your boundaries are what you needed and 100% fine.

Can you take a few quiet days away for yourself, and avoid being online/on the phone so you can sort out your feelings:
posted by Miko at 8:56 PM on September 18, 2020 [4 favorites]


Geographic distances and unnecessary drama? This is not a good relationship and I'm having a hard time following what happened. I might be projecting a bit, but as a truly ashamed former person like your boyfriend I strung women along for way too long. "You talk a bigger game than you're willing to do" in regards to anything sexual is a classic manipulation move I've used. Flowers is corny and works. I also pushed the talk of marriage on women I knew had no intention of getting married as a cheap and easy way to show that I wasn't just stringing them along. Also no one is saying it but I definitely had other women that didn't know about each other.

I will say that while that is hard to type out and makes myself feel like a bit of a monster, it doesn't mean the feelings weren't genuine and his intentions weren't genuine in someway. If I didn't like hanging out with someone I wouldn't call them all the time and most times I justified it by thinking we hang out likes friends who also sometimes have sex, we're not in a relationship.

I would at the very least take a break, and look at dating apps to make you gain confidence in yourself and hopefully see there's other things out there. Relationships shouldn't be really this hard, or not at least difficult in this way.

On a separate note do not break up with him because of his drinking or bring that up. I'm sure this is not your last conversation and you'll have a closure/breakup talk later. Anything that can you get back he will do or more likely lie about giving up/changing/moving closer to drag you on. This is about you moving on.
posted by geoff. at 9:39 PM on September 18, 2020 [8 favorites]


It sounds like he was feeling shitty, and wouldn't be happy with anything short of you feeling small and shitty too. Something's going on in his head that's not something you did, or at least not something you did today.

Try staying broken up for a bit. You're already on isolation, right? Maybe reach out to some other friends for your phone calls and support and connection for a bit.
posted by Lady Li at 12:15 AM on September 19, 2020 [4 favorites]


I had extremely controlling parents that I was trying to please for a long time.

This, to me, is a major factor. Because what I see is you bending over backwards to please a person who was emotionally abusive. He gave you an ultimatum about getting married? That’s not how it works. But you agreed. And then when you had second thoughts, you tried to talk yourself out of them. You have been consumed with trying to please him, instead of thinking about what *you* wanted. Your whole post is you trying to please him. That kind of relationship is exhausting and it’s not healthy. So as far as what you could do better next time, I would say stop doing things that hurt you, to please someone who is controlling.

You deserved better than this. You deserved to not have to give up your whole life and whole personality to please someone else. You deserve peace.
posted by MexicanYenta at 3:17 AM on September 19, 2020 [4 favorites]


I had extremely controlling parents that I was trying to please for a long time.

This really struck me. It sounds like you've had a difficult and painful upbringing. It might be worth using this time to address some of those issues.

Along with the suggestions of therapy, journaling and trusted friends, I would like to gently suggest the books:

* Women Who Love Too Much

* Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents

* Running on empty: Overcome your childhood emotional neglect

If one or both of your parents were alcoholics, I'd suggest Adult Children of Alcoholic meetings. Alternatively, Co-dependency meetings may give you interesting perspective.
posted by Ms. Moonlight at 7:51 AM on September 19, 2020 [2 favorites]


I don't really understand your question, it seems like you are wondering how you "were broken up within the hour" but you are the one that broke up with him?

I told him that and I was frankly so angry at this point that I also said if he thinks that, then we should just break up because we’re not going to see each other anyway.

Can you tell me what I did wrong? How could I have handled that conversation better?

Well if you don't want to break up with someone, don't say "we should just break up" because when you say that you ARE breaking up with them.

But your description is all about how you had a poor relationship already, so it seems like this is for the best.

It's natural to have second thoughts when you break up with someone, but that doesn't mean that you shouldn't have done it.
posted by yohko at 10:01 PM on September 20, 2020 [1 favorite]


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