How do I tell my references I turned down a job offer?

September 17, 2020 2:56 PM

Last week, I turned down a job offer, and 2 of the 3 references I used (both were former colleagues) do not know this. One followed up with me; what should I say?

I feel caught in a bit of an awkward situation; after declining the job offer last week, I talked with one of the 3 references that were contacted, a close friend of mine. She was fully understanding and supported, even encouraged me not to accept the job offer.

However, the 2 other references are former colleagues, so in that context, not close friends. One reference reached out to me today and said she put in a glowing letter, that she really hoped I would get the job offer, and that I highly deserved it. That made me realize how truly wet behind the ears I am with this procedure, and some guilt crept in as well. I feel bad because my references helped me out, and I ended up declining the job offer. Of course, when I asked them initially, I was sure to thank them, but I'm not sure how to follow up or what to say, especially when I didn't move ahead with the job offer.

Should I be honest (ie, the job offer did happen, but things weren't working out and I decided to go in a different direction), or simply say that things didn't work out with the job? I don't want to tell them I declined the offer, especially without sharing the context behind it, and get a side eye next time I ask them for a reference (they might think I'm flaky or indecisive, and not want to be a reference again), but I don't want to lie, either.

What's the best recommendation? Thanks! (and yes, I know I have to work on letting go of managing others' feelings)

posted by thoughtful_analyst to Work & Money (10 answers total)

No need to overthink this! You can just thank them again for the reference, tell them that you got an offer but it didn’t work for you so you ended up declining. It’s part of the game of being a reference for someone; if they’re upset about that that’s on them.
posted by mekily at 3:00 PM on September 17, 2020 [31 favorites]

You're overthinking - they're being kind and probably a tad curious. Thank them and tell them the employer was really impressed with your references and you're so grateful for their time but negotiations didn't work out; would they mind being asked again on a future opportunity?

If you have the ability to send a little thank-you card as well, that's the sort of warm response we could all use a little more of these days.
posted by Lyn Never at 3:01 PM on September 17, 2020 [15 favorites]

“Thank you so much for being a reference. In the end it turned out not to be the right position for me and I decided to decline, but I’m really grateful for your support.”

Or if you’d prefer to be more enigmatic, sub in simply “In the end it wasn’t the right fit.” without saying that you declined it - but then that leaves them wondering if the company decided against you instead of vice versa.

Thirding not to overthink it - just send a short, grateful reply and move on.
posted by penguin pie at 3:08 PM on September 17, 2020 [1 favorite]

You don’t even have to say it was a bad fit, you can simply say that it didn’t work out and not add any additional details. I have been asked for work references, I have given work references, and I would be horrified to think that someone might feel bad about turning down a job after using me as a reference. Only you can determine if a potential job might be a good fit. If it sucks, and the people who gave references like you, they wouldn’t want you to take the job. Clearly, you do belong on MetaFilter because you can overthink a plate of beans just like the rest of us. Good luck with your job search!
posted by Bella Donna at 3:23 PM on September 17, 2020 [1 favorite]

Personally I would make it clear that I did get an offer, just so your references can feel confident that they gave a good reference, but it’s not necessary to include that detail if you feel really uncomfortable saying you declined.
posted by mekily at 3:42 PM on September 17, 2020 [8 favorites]

You’re not obligated to take a job because someone wrote you a letter of recommendation. If your former colleague thought highly enough of you to write a glowing letter, they also think highly enough of you that they don’t want you to work for a lousy boss, or for less than you’re worth. Whatever the reason you declined the job, your references will understand.
posted by kevinbelt at 3:45 PM on September 17, 2020 [4 favorites]

I appreciate it when people who have requested a reference from me "close the loop" with a brief expression of gratitude and an update after the fact, even if it didn't turn out as expected.
posted by sm1tten at 4:59 PM on September 17, 2020 [2 favorites]

From my perspective, getting the job and turning it down is better from the reference's perspective than not getting it. I think the fact that you got the job offer meant that (1) you were well qualified and (2) the references were successful. Unfortunately the terms of the job were not what you hoped and you decided to turn it down but you really appreciate their support and thanks again for the helpful reference.
posted by metahawk at 6:15 PM on September 17, 2020 [1 favorite]

If the person inquiring was a former colleague and gave a reference for a job in the same (or somehow related) field in which they currently work, this would also be good networking on their part.
You don't need to feel bad for turning the job down, and if anything it could be interesting/useful to the reference if you shared what the offer was like (in however much detail you want), any insights you learned about the company during the interview process, and why you turned it down (again in whatever level of detail you want).
posted by dotparker at 8:24 AM on September 18, 2020

Thank you so much for the reference! I actually did get an offer but I’ve decided to keep looking.
posted by kapers at 6:52 PM on September 18, 2020 [1 favorite]