"I just don't feel a spark."
September 2, 2020 9:37 AM   Subscribe

As a woman in my late 30's, this is the feedback I most often receive after first dates. I approach the dates with openness, curiosity, and playfulness. I ask questions and am working on sharing more about myself, too. I know that chemistry is important. For me, chemistry is something that builds. I rarely feel a spark on the first date. And there is rarely a second date. How can I do better?

Chemistry is tough to define. X factor. Spark. Whatever you want to call it - I don't have it. I'm a woman in a larger body and I'm worried it's because men aren't attracted to me. I'm in therapy. I feel the best I have in years, and my therapist has commented that they have noticed a change in me.

I had the best first date ever last week. And he didn't feel a spark.

I feel so defeated. What can I do to improve?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (20 answers total) 5 users marked this as a favorite
 
I feel so defeated. What can I do to improve?

Sounds like you are improving. It's not you that's the problem. Don't make it about you. The people you are dating are the shallow ones losing out.

It's challenging to date in modern times even before a pandemic. Try not to feel defeated. Things will change for you, but please stop thinking it is you. It's not.
posted by Hey, Zeus! at 9:44 AM on September 2, 2020 [11 favorites]


I can't speak for others, but for me chemistry can be sparked by passion. Do you talk about your passions? Do you discuss what lights you up?

I also found that dates with an activity often help with bonding more than sitting and drinking or eating something. This is admittedly much harder in a pandemic but perhaps socially distanced picnics with a hike, or a socially distanced tour of some historical building in the area, or teaching each other a skill virtually might help.

But also, there's nothing wrong with you. A lot of people are looking for chemistry initially, and it's ok that you don't vibe with that approach. That doesn't make you wrong.
posted by crunchy potato at 9:51 AM on September 2, 2020 [8 favorites]


Let's turn this around: You are picking people that are high-quality enough that they're at least responding instead of ghosting you.

In these fraught times, and as you age (unfortunately), there is a lot less "oh what the hell, let's try a second date." But getting actual feedback should be considered as a sign you're doing better than a lot of people.

Also, these dating tends to be streaky - six months of dating interesting people and having good times without long term prospects followed by a year of no bites whatsoever. So a run of bad (or good) luck should not be necessarily seen as statistically significant. (ugh, sorry about the management-speak.)

(full disclosure: I've been out of the scene for 15 years, but still have friends that are looking. Back when I was looking, I mostly got ghosted, if i even got a first date.)
posted by notsnot at 9:53 AM on September 2, 2020 [4 favorites]


In a lot of ways, "I just don't feel a spark" is basically meaningless because it's what people advise other people to say whenever they don't want to pursue a relationship past the first date, or the first couple dates, for any reason. This is not you being uniquely unsparky, this is people trying to be polite and not just ghost you, but also not have to work very hard at it or potentially end up in a debate. It's basically "No spark, c'est la vie, nothing to do but move on, no hard feelings." The only thing for you to "work on" is finding people who are better matches to you, which sounds like maybe specifically looking for people who like to be curious and stay open to building chemistry over time.
posted by teremala at 10:21 AM on September 2, 2020 [75 favorites]


Agreed with teremala. I just said that this morning, and it was not really because there wasn't a *spark* per se, but because she was too young and we were clearly in different life stages. I just said that because it seemed kindest, so I would also consider not taking it too literally.
posted by pando11 at 10:31 AM on September 2, 2020 [12 favorites]


I feel so defeated. What can I do to improve?

You're not in need of improvement. I don't subscribe to the idea of a "soul mate" or that there's only a single person for each of us, but I do believe that finding a good match is a process of finding a partner who sees value in us for who we are -- even without being on best behavior or making an effort in the "I'm trying to be someone I'm really not day to day" sense.

Agree with notsnot - you're choosing well if you are getting responses instead of being ghosted. A lot of people won't even give that courtesy.

I'm a woman in a larger body and I'm worried it's because men aren't attracted to me.

Well, sometimes that may be true but it's their loss. I assure you there are plenty of men who like women in larger bodies and one of them is going to "click" with you and want a second date and a third and fourth...

I know from my own personal experience that either there is or isn't a romantic "spark" when I meet someone. Everybody is different and I know some people (like yourself) take more time to kindle a spark -- but in more than 20 years of dating a lot of different people I've either "clicked" on the first date or it just didn't happen. I've gone on plenty of second and third dates with perfectly nice people who met my definition of "attractive" but just didn't inspire romance for whatever reason.

Also, though, Nthing that "no spark" is shorthand for any number of things.
posted by jzb at 10:36 AM on September 2, 2020 [9 favorites]


I like Captain Awkward's take on this. Each of us has the right to reject a potential partner at any time for any reason. If it doesn't work for one person, it doesn't work. At the same time, you deserve to have the partner who enjoys you for being you. There may not be millions of people out there who is a good fit but all you need is one. So, be the version of yourself that you like and see who matches with it - that will be the "spark".
posted by metahawk at 10:59 AM on September 2, 2020 [8 favorites]


Dating is so, so hard because you just never know what is going on with the other person. You're complete strangers and it's so hard to not feel like it's you when they're not interested - there could be a zillion things going on with them that you will never know.

That said, maybe this Dr. Nerdlove article will be helpful. Even though he writes mainly for men, I find his stuff applies to both men and women.
posted by foxjacket at 11:00 AM on September 2, 2020 [1 favorite]


My single and divorced guy friends (successful men in their 40s and early 50s) dating is highly biased to women in their mid-to-late 30s.

If their anecdotes are to be believed, Teremala is 100% right - "no spark" is what these guys say as the decent and yet no drama / no debate way to turn down a future date. (It's also what get said to them by women who don't care for more but don't want to ghost.)

It can mean anything. But what it probably doesn't mean is "no spark" because (at least these) guys are totally not looking for "spark." They're looking for something even more superficial for a fling, or something not at all so superficial (usually a long list of criteria) for a serious relationship. It also probably doesn't mean "too big for me" because the subset of these guys who won't date larger women wouldn't be going on a first date with you.
posted by MattD at 11:12 AM on September 2, 2020 [11 favorites]


Here's how I look at it. In any "relationship" between two people there are actually three entities: Person A, Person B, and The Chemistry that exists between them.

In my (albeit anecdotal) experience it is usually the case that Person A and Person B are both awesome but for some reason the chemistry just doesn't add up. There's nothing wrong with that. I've been on plenty of dates with people who -should- click with me but just don't. No harm no foul.

The important thing is to understand that the lack of chemistry between you and someone else should in no way suggest that there is anything wrong with you. There isn't. The chemistry just wasn't right and that's ok. Keep doing what you're doing and you'll find it'll work out in the end.
posted by nathanfhtagn at 11:41 AM on September 2, 2020 [12 favorites]


Agreeing that "I don't feel a spark" is a meaningless phrase. It could be true at face value, it could be polite cover for something unpleasant -- you have no idea. Trying to figure that out, well, that way madness lies.

The vast majority of dates end like this -- good people meet up, the date goes fine with no major incidents, but there's simply no connection. That there was nothing wrong with the date doesn't mean that it feels right, either, and that's where "I don't feel a spark" comes in.
posted by Capt. Renault at 11:48 AM on September 2, 2020 [8 favorites]


I'm confused on what you want help with. If it's with "I don't feel a spark" then that's perfectly normal. I am much like you in that 99% of the time I don't feel a spark for the same reasons as you. Chemistry builds I always approach the 1st meet/date as 2 people who might really be friends. When I'm dating online, I send out a canned text to explain this when it comes up prior to meeting up. I explain that I am approaching the 1st meet as friends because I'm aware that while we might have chemistry online, it doesn't always translate in person. I go on to say that chemistry is a slow boil for me etc. Now, I'm aware that even when I say this, people don't approach the meet that way but at least they have the heads up if I or they don't want to take it further.

If your concern is "i don't feel a spark because I'm afraid that men might not be attracted to me" then you're getting therapy so you're addressing that. Kudos to you for taking charge:)

If you're concern is "my date didn't feel a spark" then sometimes there is opportunity to still talk to the person to find out what was missing and you could steer the conversation to find that out. But most people might not be available for that and for those...you'll know that they weren't for you.

If you're concern is "how do I create spark" then I would suggest flirting, if you're not already doing so. It's a bit hard to figure out what's going on on a date without witnessing it.
posted by ColdIcedT at 12:09 PM on September 2, 2020 [1 favorite]


I'm a woman in a larger body and I'm worried it's because men aren't attracted to me.

One thing that I would consider, if you haven't, is be sure to have at least one full-body photo in your dating profile. It sounds like you own your body, and you love it, and there are tons of people that will love it too! Something to consider is that it is potentially a bad surprise to go on a date and the person looks worse than their photos, or their photos were hiding their weight.

I bet you are absolutely beautiful, and again, I don't want to suggest that this is the main issue. But, I would just recommend asking yourself if your photos accurately depict what someone would see on a date - a fun loving, happy, exciting person with high self-confidence, and also what they look like in real life! I also think it's uplifting to choose photos that you feel like are really you!

If you already do this, please disregard!
posted by bbqturtle at 12:17 PM on September 2, 2020 [8 favorites]


Agree w/Matt D. I have told and been told this as a pretty generic, but polite, version of "you seem like a nice person, but [I] prefer the company of others, to your exclusive company."

Pop music aside, this was told to me less than 48 hours ago. I hadn't figured out whether I was interested in a second date or not, so it was simultaneously a relief and a disappointment. (I'm also a woman in her late thirties, dating men, in a large east coast city.)

I also think that both COVID and being in your late 30's tends to push people to fish or cut bait earlier. People are less likely to see if a connection develops, if it doesn't feel likely upfront, both because they're looking to get serious soon, and also because arranging get-togethers seems like more of an effort in the COVID world (and more stress and a small more incremental work).

This is really hard, I think, because it limits you to a very small subset of your "type". There are lots of people who I've come to like slowly, as friends or colleagues, who I would never have known well enough to feel connected to on a first day.

I will say, that I actually like Zoom first dates. They feel like what people always said coffee dates were, but I never liked. They're easy, short, sort of pre-date. I think for me, in previous years, I tended to rush to a first date, and then see what goes from there, but I think now, a video date (or two) and maybe more texting could help build things up before a first date?
posted by mercredi at 12:18 PM on September 2, 2020 [2 favorites]


"I just don't feel a spark."

I want to reiterate that this is a generic line and doesn't mean anything specific about you. In fact, my therapist and I had a conversation about a standard way to decline a second date that pretty much went, "I enjoyed meeting you but I'm just not feeling a spark. Best of luck to you."

The real reason could be a host of reasons. Maybe they didn't feel an attraction or maybe they didn't feel a spark. But also, maybe they met someone else; they've decided not to date; they've gotten back together with an ex; they don't really know what they are looking for; they felt a spark and were attracted to you, but they have intimacy issues and are scared.

My only dating advice: there were times when I was interested in men who were interested in me but later told me they hadn't been able to tell if I was interested. So there are some signals you can send, like holding eye contact a bit longer than is comfortable.

If your photos are recent and flattering but also show the real you (which is to say, you have a whole body shot of some kind), then I don't think this is about people not being attracted to you. A friend of mine went on a date once with a lovely woman who had a lot of carefully angled photos that didn't reveal that she was actually a bit larger. They had a great date and a great time and ended up dating for a while, but her weight remained an issue for him. I think they both ended up feeling pretty bad about this. The best way to avoid a situation where the issue is your size is to share a photo of you that shows who you are. It can be a flattering photo and doesn't have to reveal everything. If you already have one of those, than this isn't an issue, I don't think.

I also want to say: I am someone who wants to feel a spark on the first date. It's only recently that I started to be open to folks where chemistry has to build. So if some of these men are new to dating, could it be that they are still figuring it all out too?

You sound truly lovely, and I wish you the best.
posted by bluedaisy at 3:24 PM on September 2, 2020 [3 favorites]


Spark/chemistry, same thing. Not everyone has it. I have it with very few people, myself. What it really boils down to is "would you care if you never saw this person again or no?" Is there enough mental intrigue or chemistry or interest to do this again?

"I know from my own personal experience that either there is or isn't a romantic "spark" when I meet someone. Everybody is different and I know some people (like yourself) take more time to kindle a spark -- but in more than 20 years of dating a lot of different people I've either "clicked" on the first date or it just didn't happen. I've gone on plenty of second and third dates with perfectly nice people who met my definition of "attractive" but just didn't inspire romance for whatever reason."

Seconded. I call it "grower" vs "shower." Some folks grow into attraction with more time and some people "know" right off the bat if they want more of this person or not.

It's not really you, it's that chemistry/spark/interest isn't easy to find.
posted by jenfullmoon at 6:02 PM on September 2, 2020 [2 favorites]


If you are meeting people online, the first time you meet in person is really where it stops most of the time. In the past I've tried to meet relatively soon before spending a lot of time, but of course things are different these days.

I'm a woman in a larger body and I'm worried it's because men aren't attracted to me.

"Men" as a whole don't have one body type they are attracted to, despite some of the societal messaging and stereotyping about what is attractive. Some men will be very attracted to you and others won't be, and most will be somewhere in the middle -- and this is true of all body shapes and sizes! Yes, it really is.

You need to take these worries off the table, make sure you have some full length profile pictures that show what you look like, wear clothing that flatters and ideally you would be doing something in the photos. Then you will know that any man you are on a date with saw your photos and was attracted to you -- and you will have more confidence and feel more comfortable with your body the first time you meet someone, both things that men tend to find attractive.
posted by yohko at 6:56 PM on September 2, 2020 [2 favorites]


I'm a dude and I've heard this from women. It just means they're not into you, and they don't want to explain any further. There could be a specific reason -- lack of attraction, values mismatch, whatever -- and they don't want to hurt your feelings. Or it could be more general -- they're not particularly attracted to you, and they couldn't explain why if they wanted to. Either way, it doesn't matter. Fact is, they're not into you and it's time to move on. You could probe them for reasons, but what would be the point? People are fickle and arbitrary, and half the time the reason they're not into you has nothing at all to do with you as a person.

There's nothing wrong with you. You're fine. Move on.
posted by panama joe at 9:51 PM on September 2, 2020 [2 favorites]


You know it always happens that the less I try for chemistry the more potent I am to the opposite sex. Try not viewing the "date" as a date. Maybe go as the playful old high school pal hooking up. Try to relax and dont give in to ideas about what you should be or shouldn't be. Be yourself. If you feel chemistry dont call it chemistry call it what it is...lust. or what it could be after a two hour conversation. Chemistry is so hard to define universally. I just play it by ear
posted by The_imp_inimpossible at 11:13 PM on September 2, 2020


Are your dates fun? Is there a lot of laughter and smiling and silliness? Or do they feel more like an interview?
posted by kickingtheground at 12:36 AM on September 3, 2020 [3 favorites]


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