I did a microagression. How big a deal do I make of it?
August 27, 2020 11:45 AM Subscribe
I did a microagression and I'm considering whether and how I should apologize further. Details within.
I teach at the college level. Today, while learning my students' names in a freshman level class, I made an insensitive comment. I guessed a student's name wrong; the name I guessed belonged to the student next to her. When I learned my mistake, I said something like "Of course, the two of you are next to each other". The two students in question are women of color. Not the only ones in the class, but the only ones in their corner of the room. I apologized immediately, saying "Wow that sounded terrible, I'm sorry I said that" to the two students.
If it's relevant, what I had wanted to say was something like "hey, at least I was only off by one person". What came out was definitely not that. My baseline on things like this is: if I had observed a colleague saying it, I would have called them out in the moment with something like "what did you mean by that?".
Other details which may or may not be important: I believe it's both students' first semester in college. It's also my first semester at the institution (but something like my 6th year in an equivalent position). As far as I know I've never done anything like this before. This is one of those gen-ed courses that many students HATE. I have a "zero-indifference" policy in my syllabus, which compels me to speak up in situations like this.
My goal now, as much as possible, is to make sure my students feel welcome in our classroom and to provide a good and equitable experience for everyone. I've come up with three possible ways to see the situation, which I'll detail below. I'm asking for feedback on these, with the above goal in mind. Answers from the students' perspective are especially welcome.
Possibility 1: Do nothing further. I apologized in the moment, and given the scale of the issue, this is enough.
Possibility 2: The apology in the moment wasn't enough. I should contact the two students, apologizing directly and promising to hold myself accountable.
Possibility 3: Almost certainly, more students heard what I said than just the two. I should apologize to the entire class and make it clear what my expectations are for the classroom going forward.
I'm leaning toward 2 or 3 right now, but I'm open to the possibility that making a big deal out of this will do more harm than good. I would really appreciate getting other folks' perspectives on this. Thanks!
I teach at the college level. Today, while learning my students' names in a freshman level class, I made an insensitive comment. I guessed a student's name wrong; the name I guessed belonged to the student next to her. When I learned my mistake, I said something like "Of course, the two of you are next to each other". The two students in question are women of color. Not the only ones in the class, but the only ones in their corner of the room. I apologized immediately, saying "Wow that sounded terrible, I'm sorry I said that" to the two students.
If it's relevant, what I had wanted to say was something like "hey, at least I was only off by one person". What came out was definitely not that. My baseline on things like this is: if I had observed a colleague saying it, I would have called them out in the moment with something like "what did you mean by that?".
Other details which may or may not be important: I believe it's both students' first semester in college. It's also my first semester at the institution (but something like my 6th year in an equivalent position). As far as I know I've never done anything like this before. This is one of those gen-ed courses that many students HATE. I have a "zero-indifference" policy in my syllabus, which compels me to speak up in situations like this.
My goal now, as much as possible, is to make sure my students feel welcome in our classroom and to provide a good and equitable experience for everyone. I've come up with three possible ways to see the situation, which I'll detail below. I'm asking for feedback on these, with the above goal in mind. Answers from the students' perspective are especially welcome.
Possibility 1: Do nothing further. I apologized in the moment, and given the scale of the issue, this is enough.
Possibility 2: The apology in the moment wasn't enough. I should contact the two students, apologizing directly and promising to hold myself accountable.
Possibility 3: Almost certainly, more students heard what I said than just the two. I should apologize to the entire class and make it clear what my expectations are for the classroom going forward.
I'm leaning toward 2 or 3 right now, but I'm open to the possibility that making a big deal out of this will do more harm than good. I would really appreciate getting other folks' perspectives on this. Thanks!
I'm wondering if you can do a variation of #3 by making a teachable moment to illustrate what kinds of behavior you don't want to see in the classroom. Yes, another apology but more focused on explaining why an apology was needed so the students can see what you mean when you cover it in syllabus. I would be sensitive not not focusing the attention on the students or their cultural differences - that could be very embarrassing and make them feel even more called out as different. Instead focusing on teaching the class about the standards that you are expecting from everyone, including yourself.
posted by metahawk at 12:28 PM on August 27, 2020
posted by metahawk at 12:28 PM on August 27, 2020
I agree with cmm that you should do 2 and offer the students 3, my addendum is to do it over email. Don't pull them into an office. Don't make this a burden on them, don't create a situation that the student will feel pressured (especially if this is early in someone's college experience) to do the labor of reassuring you and being demonstrative of their forgiveness. Sending an email gives space for any reaction they want to have and, honestly, you should leave a trail. There should be a record that you made this mistake and apologies were made.
posted by wellifyouinsist at 12:30 PM on August 27, 2020 [33 favorites]
posted by wellifyouinsist at 12:30 PM on August 27, 2020 [33 favorites]
I don't know... I'm leaning toward #1 here. Additional apologies, beyond the moment in question, assumes they were offended when they might not have been. Perhaps they knew it was just a slip of the tongue, which happens! How did the students react in the moment?
posted by gold bridges at 12:34 PM on August 27, 2020 [17 favorites]
posted by gold bridges at 12:34 PM on August 27, 2020 [17 favorites]
Are you sure they took it as a micro aggression and not how you meant it, just mixing up two students as you might have done with two white students? Are you at all concerned that by extending this moment with more apologies you'll embarrass them and make them responsible for your own cringe and discomfort and need for absolution? I would let it go and remember their names and greet them properly tomorrow and move on to the class content, not continue putting them in the spotlight. Me -- white person, college prof for 20 years.
posted by nantucket at 12:37 PM on August 27, 2020 [11 favorites]
posted by nantucket at 12:37 PM on August 27, 2020 [11 favorites]
Short version:
Speak to them privately.
it's not their job to forgive you, to acknowledge you, to feel how you feel about this, or to help you. They might volunteer that, but please don't ask for it.
Do only this:
Acknowledge
Apologize
Commit to improvement
Open yourself to feedback
Having been in similar situations (I'm white, I hang out with a lot of non-white people, I speak faster than I catch the implications of my words sometimes)...
I think you did well to call it out so quickly. Belaboring it publicly might inadvertently put more attention on these students than they would be comfortable with.
Here's a sample script for your private conversation:
The other day I said [these words].
While I didn't intend harm, I think one implication of the words is that black people are so similar that they are easily mistaken for one another, or something similar.
I want to apologize to you for that.
I would prefer not to be an advocate for that message going forward, so, moving forward, I commit to working on my words to better reflect the person I want to be and the world I want to live in in the future.
Do you have any feedback for me?
oh! And forgive yourself. We're all growing.
posted by jander03 at 12:53 PM on August 27, 2020 [11 favorites]
Speak to them privately.
it's not their job to forgive you, to acknowledge you, to feel how you feel about this, or to help you. They might volunteer that, but please don't ask for it.
Do only this:
Acknowledge
Apologize
Commit to improvement
Open yourself to feedback
Having been in similar situations (I'm white, I hang out with a lot of non-white people, I speak faster than I catch the implications of my words sometimes)...
I think you did well to call it out so quickly. Belaboring it publicly might inadvertently put more attention on these students than they would be comfortable with.
Here's a sample script for your private conversation:
The other day I said [these words].
While I didn't intend harm, I think one implication of the words is that black people are so similar that they are easily mistaken for one another, or something similar.
I want to apologize to you for that.
I would prefer not to be an advocate for that message going forward, so, moving forward, I commit to working on my words to better reflect the person I want to be and the world I want to live in in the future.
Do you have any feedback for me?
oh! And forgive yourself. We're all growing.
posted by jander03 at 12:53 PM on August 27, 2020 [11 favorites]
Worth thinking about how to avoid this in the future. Some study of the class list before hand, looking up pronunciation of unfamiliar names, etc., may help.
Implicit bias tests demonstrate the fact that our brains often sort people into predictable categories. I think you have to recognize the risk and exert some extra effort up front to compensate, so that, say, the only two women of color in the department don't get sick of getting confused with each other repeatedly.
This random internet stranger would go with #1 rather than bugging them any more about it, but I have no particular insight or experience here.
posted by floppyroofing at 1:12 PM on August 27, 2020
Implicit bias tests demonstrate the fact that our brains often sort people into predictable categories. I think you have to recognize the risk and exert some extra effort up front to compensate, so that, say, the only two women of color in the department don't get sick of getting confused with each other repeatedly.
This random internet stranger would go with #1 rather than bugging them any more about it, but I have no particular insight or experience here.
posted by floppyroofing at 1:12 PM on August 27, 2020
I’m a non-Black POC. I have had people with seniority over me mistake me for the only other POC in a workplace, even though our names are completely different, and we look very different. I am sure it was done because of racist reasons, and it hurt and brought up a lot of very painful emotions.
That said, my initial reaction was #1, and then I realized that was because I still have some sort of inferiority complex about my background, like I shouldn’t make trouble and it’s my job to make white people not feel bad.
But no. I would email them separately (so you’re not just clumping them together again) and say something like, “I apologize for what I said today when I called (you by the wrong name/(the other student) by your name) because it sounded like I was grouping you two together and that you were interchangeable. That was unacceptable on my part and I’m sorry. I want our classroom to be welcoming and a safe place for all students, and I am committed to learning from my mistake today. Please let me know if you’d like to talk about this, and I look forward to having you in my class.”
posted by umwhat at 1:39 PM on August 27, 2020 [47 favorites]
That said, my initial reaction was #1, and then I realized that was because I still have some sort of inferiority complex about my background, like I shouldn’t make trouble and it’s my job to make white people not feel bad.
But no. I would email them separately (so you’re not just clumping them together again) and say something like, “I apologize for what I said today when I called (you by the wrong name/(the other student) by your name) because it sounded like I was grouping you two together and that you were interchangeable. That was unacceptable on my part and I’m sorry. I want our classroom to be welcoming and a safe place for all students, and I am committed to learning from my mistake today. Please let me know if you’d like to talk about this, and I look forward to having you in my class.”
posted by umwhat at 1:39 PM on August 27, 2020 [47 favorites]
Brown woman here. For anyone who's questioning, this was 100% a microaggression. In fact, if I'm understanding correctly, it was two separate microaggressions. First OP, you made an assumption about a student's name. Did you see a "non-white sounding" name in your list and assume it belonged to one of the two non-white people in front of you? That alone is problematic. And then you made a statement that perpetuates damaging stereotypes (POC must flock together, or must be related, or all look the same, or etc). I've experienced this a million times. It's hurtful and damaging. And I can bet your apology will mean very little to them because they, too, have probably been through it many times before.
My goal now, as much as possible, is to make sure my students feel welcome in our classroom and to provide a good and equitable experience for everyone.
If you truly mean this, do some reading on implicit bias and how to change your behaviour going FORWARD.
posted by yawper at 1:46 PM on August 27, 2020 [22 favorites]
My goal now, as much as possible, is to make sure my students feel welcome in our classroom and to provide a good and equitable experience for everyone.
If you truly mean this, do some reading on implicit bias and how to change your behaviour going FORWARD.
posted by yawper at 1:46 PM on August 27, 2020 [22 favorites]
I would do number 1 and make it 100% clear that you've got people's names right for the rest of the semester. Not just them. Everyone.
Less said, sooner mended. Show who you are as a teacher the rest of the semester.
People get names mixed up...spending too much time highlighting it just makes it A Whole Thing when people want to move on.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 2:00 PM on August 27, 2020 [11 favorites]
Less said, sooner mended. Show who you are as a teacher the rest of the semester.
People get names mixed up...spending too much time highlighting it just makes it A Whole Thing when people want to move on.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 2:00 PM on August 27, 2020 [11 favorites]
As someone who has been on the receiving end, more than once, in classrooms and at work, I prefer an apology in the moment and then moving on and never getting my name wrong again. #2 is probably fine, but to be completely honest, I'm still holding a mini-grudge against a professor at a certain university in New York who went with #3. I felt singled out, it felt like we were wasting expensive class time, and I thought it was performative, like on some level he was enjoying self-flagellating to prove his non-racist credentials. When you're a student (or an employee), there is a lot of pressure to be forgiving, and for me that pressure is worse when it is more public.
If you do decide on #3, check with your students before you make them into a teaching point.
posted by betweenthebars at 3:05 PM on August 27, 2020 [44 favorites]
If you do decide on #3, check with your students before you make them into a teaching point.
posted by betweenthebars at 3:05 PM on August 27, 2020 [44 favorites]
I too would not appreciate being singled out or made a lesson of in front of the class. I'd go for sending an email explaining and apologizing and then making sure you got their names right going forward.
How many students are in the class? I know when I was in law school the instructors had class lists with everyone's photo on them, but that probably doesn't work well once you're above 50 people or so in a given class. We also introduced ourselves in our first classes, which would have been helpful for both the instructors and our classmates to know how we pronounced our names (even if you think you know how a name is supposed to pronounced, what if they pronounce it differently?) but again this probably doesn't scale well past 50 students or so.
posted by any portmanteau in a storm at 3:25 PM on August 27, 2020
How many students are in the class? I know when I was in law school the instructors had class lists with everyone's photo on them, but that probably doesn't work well once you're above 50 people or so in a given class. We also introduced ourselves in our first classes, which would have been helpful for both the instructors and our classmates to know how we pronounced our names (even if you think you know how a name is supposed to pronounced, what if they pronounce it differently?) but again this probably doesn't scale well past 50 students or so.
posted by any portmanteau in a storm at 3:25 PM on August 27, 2020
There's no "right" answer here. I'm a woman of color who has experienced this. I would have been fine with the apology on the spot that the OP gave. I think that the response umwhat gave is also good. I particularly liked that it ended with an invitation to discuss further but did not create an expectation that the student must respond (by accepting your apology, which younger-sm1tten would have done because Respect Your Authority Figures).
posted by sm1tten at 3:50 PM on August 27, 2020 [7 favorites]
posted by sm1tten at 3:50 PM on August 27, 2020 [7 favorites]
I would recommend #1. I certainly can't speak for all POC but in a situation like this I would prefer that the person who committed the microaggression invest the effort into examining their biases and changing their behavior then coming back to me with additional apologies. In my experience #2 or 3 could easily turn into the apology coming across as an assertion that the apologizer is definitely not racist (which, you don't have to be racist to commit a microaggression or hold problematic stereotypes about POC) or, the apologizer seeking comfort/forgiveness/absolution from the wronged party to relieve their own guilt about their behavior. I also want to call attention to the power dynamic here - you control the grades that these students receive for the rest of the semester. How can they do anything other than graciously accept your apology? If I was in their shoes I would be concerned about you holding it against me if I didn't, consciously or unconsciously.
posted by fox problems at 4:22 PM on August 27, 2020 [4 favorites]
posted by fox problems at 4:22 PM on August 27, 2020 [4 favorites]
You apologized. Move on.
posted by Geckwoistmeinauto at 5:18 PM on August 27, 2020
posted by Geckwoistmeinauto at 5:18 PM on August 27, 2020
I'm a non-Black POC and am mistaken for other brown-ish people by white people quite frequently (also I would take any white people's opinions on this with a liberal grain of salt). I would absolutely take this as a microaggression and it has certainly felt like one every time it's happened. I think #2 is what I would lean towards --I've never taken any *action* when people have done things like this to me (largely because of my awareness of how skeptical white people are that this is a real thing or that it does any harm) but it certainly stings and is hard to forget in your perception of the person who did it.
posted by armadillo1224 at 5:25 PM on August 27, 2020 [6 favorites]
posted by armadillo1224 at 5:25 PM on August 27, 2020 [6 favorites]
I say #1. If they’re new, young college students, bringing it up again will probably just make them unnecessarily uncomfortable, and make it more stressful for them than it needs to be.
I’m also a POC with a tough foreign name for what it is worth.
posted by shaademaan at 6:05 PM on August 27, 2020
I’m also a POC with a tough foreign name for what it is worth.
posted by shaademaan at 6:05 PM on August 27, 2020
Nbpoc here. The answers here are pretty good. And if you do #2, please don't make this too much about yourself. I honestly really dislike it when people self-flagellate and apologize profusely with regarding to microaggressions because, honestly: what am I going to do? I feel like they're just self-flagellating and waiting for my mercy so that they can feel better... which is ultimately about centering their feelings, not mine.
If you'd like to apologize, center their emotions, not yours.
I'd say something like:
"Hi X - I wanted to bring up my microaggression from earlier this week about your name. It's unacceptable, and I imagine that it might be very annoying and disappointing to encounter it in a classroom taught by a white teacher. I'm really sorry - I apologize that I made it happen, and am committed to rethinking my actions and making sure the classroom is an environment free of microaggressions for you and everyone."
posted by suedehead at 12:07 AM on August 28, 2020 [7 favorites]
If you'd like to apologize, center their emotions, not yours.
I'd say something like:
"Hi X - I wanted to bring up my microaggression from earlier this week about your name. It's unacceptable, and I imagine that it might be very annoying and disappointing to encounter it in a classroom taught by a white teacher. I'm really sorry - I apologize that I made it happen, and am committed to rethinking my actions and making sure the classroom is an environment free of microaggressions for you and everyone."
posted by suedehead at 12:07 AM on August 28, 2020 [7 favorites]
I think it's important to understand what actually occurred here before providing a recommended course of action. Are you saying you assumed that a "black-sounding" name from the class roster belonged to the student in question?
Because that's a lot worse than just mixing up two students sitting beside each other, both of whose names you previously may have known.
In the first case, I think further apology is necessary. In the second, I don't.
posted by matkline at 6:39 AM on August 28, 2020
Because that's a lot worse than just mixing up two students sitting beside each other, both of whose names you previously may have known.
In the first case, I think further apology is necessary. In the second, I don't.
posted by matkline at 6:39 AM on August 28, 2020
BIPOC person here.
Definitely DO NOT turn them into a lesson for the class! Ugh that would be macro-aggressive!
Send a private message to each student, apologizing. I like umwhat's script and would add something to the effect of, "It would be unfair to put any additional labour on you around my mistake and its impact, so please don't feel you need to reply to this email."
posted by nouvelle-personne at 12:15 PM on August 28, 2020 [1 favorite]
Definitely DO NOT turn them into a lesson for the class! Ugh that would be macro-aggressive!
Send a private message to each student, apologizing. I like umwhat's script and would add something to the effect of, "It would be unfair to put any additional labour on you around my mistake and its impact, so please don't feel you need to reply to this email."
posted by nouvelle-personne at 12:15 PM on August 28, 2020 [1 favorite]
As a POC with a “difficult” name, I’d say #1 by far, since you apologized in the moment already. Just do better in the future. I hate the self-flagellation and overcorrection that happen sometimes in similar situations, the sense that the person committing the microaggression is now obsessing over it and focused on me as POC Victim with my Otherness at the center of our interactions, rather than as a regular human who recognizes that other humans make mistakes. I would just want you to acknowledge that it was a mistake (which you did) and move on and be normal in the future. I liked the interaction I had with a fellow volunteer I was chatting with at the place I volunteer, who asked something along the lines of “where are you (really) from?” and then stopped herself and said “oh, I’m sorry, that was a microaggression, wasn’t it,” and then just kind of went on with our conversation after acknowledging it and apologizing. I kind of resent feeling obligated to soothe and reassure well-meaning people they’re not racist, it’s exhausting.
posted by music for skeletons at 12:17 PM on August 28, 2020 [9 favorites]
posted by music for skeletons at 12:17 PM on August 28, 2020 [9 favorites]
Yes #1. You apologized in the moment.
Frankly I don't see anything to be gained from #2 or #3, to me, there's a real danger of making this a big deal, and awkward for everyone.
What matters is your actions towards all students for the rest of the semester and whether those actions are fair and humanistic.
There is also another dimension that's worth considering if you are thinking of #2 or #3 - which is how you would express them. For me, if you had something with self-deprecating humor that would go a way towards a gentler outcome.
I guess I would take a super-serious #2 or #3 as a form of virtue-advertising....but that's just me....
posted by storybored at 7:04 PM on August 28, 2020 [1 favorite]
Frankly I don't see anything to be gained from #2 or #3, to me, there's a real danger of making this a big deal, and awkward for everyone.
What matters is your actions towards all students for the rest of the semester and whether those actions are fair and humanistic.
There is also another dimension that's worth considering if you are thinking of #2 or #3 - which is how you would express them. For me, if you had something with self-deprecating humor that would go a way towards a gentler outcome.
I guess I would take a super-serious #2 or #3 as a form of virtue-advertising....but that's just me....
posted by storybored at 7:04 PM on August 28, 2020 [1 favorite]
"Wow that sounded terrible, I'm sorry I said that" to the two students.
that was appropriate. the public apology for a public remark, the immediacy, the sincerity, and the brevity were all well chosen. your next move is to never, ever do it again.
if you repeatedly and insistently recreate and relive the situation and drag them into your personal non-academic agonies outside of class, which you have no business doing, you run the risk of making one or both of them so uncomfortable or angry they drop the class to avoid you. you will hammer home the point that their ethnicity or race is THE thing you know about them and THE thing of interest to you as a pedagogue. their academic work? secondary to your anxieties over what they think of you.
if you leave things as they stand now -- you sort-of-accidentally made a common and demeaning racist slip, realized it, apologized right away, and didn't force them to respond publicly -- the risk you run is that they might not respect you much, and may commiserate with each other or talk about you, as they have every right to do. The risk is that they don't believe your explanation about seating, and that they think you called one by the other's name because they're not white and you can't tell them apart, and that they won't recommend you as an instructor to their friends. But that's not a risk for them, just for you.
They already know by your reaction in the moment that you realize what you did, you didn't mean to, you were embarrassed, and you are sorry. there isn't any other true information you can give them. college is stressful enough without having to know about a professor's feelings about you. you are a stranger and an authority figure and No, stop it, I don't want to hear it is not something most college students feel safe or comfortable saying. If you are someone who has honestly never done this before, you may earn back some measure of neutral feeling by never doing it again. you cannot undo it with a one-time perfect healing email, you have to just behave well for the whole rest of the class and then for the rest of your career.
back off.
posted by queenofbithynia at 7:22 PM on August 28, 2020 [4 favorites]
that was appropriate. the public apology for a public remark, the immediacy, the sincerity, and the brevity were all well chosen. your next move is to never, ever do it again.
if you repeatedly and insistently recreate and relive the situation and drag them into your personal non-academic agonies outside of class, which you have no business doing, you run the risk of making one or both of them so uncomfortable or angry they drop the class to avoid you. you will hammer home the point that their ethnicity or race is THE thing you know about them and THE thing of interest to you as a pedagogue. their academic work? secondary to your anxieties over what they think of you.
if you leave things as they stand now -- you sort-of-accidentally made a common and demeaning racist slip, realized it, apologized right away, and didn't force them to respond publicly -- the risk you run is that they might not respect you much, and may commiserate with each other or talk about you, as they have every right to do. The risk is that they don't believe your explanation about seating, and that they think you called one by the other's name because they're not white and you can't tell them apart, and that they won't recommend you as an instructor to their friends. But that's not a risk for them, just for you.
They already know by your reaction in the moment that you realize what you did, you didn't mean to, you were embarrassed, and you are sorry. there isn't any other true information you can give them. college is stressful enough without having to know about a professor's feelings about you. you are a stranger and an authority figure and No, stop it, I don't want to hear it is not something most college students feel safe or comfortable saying. If you are someone who has honestly never done this before, you may earn back some measure of neutral feeling by never doing it again. you cannot undo it with a one-time perfect healing email, you have to just behave well for the whole rest of the class and then for the rest of your career.
back off.
posted by queenofbithynia at 7:22 PM on August 28, 2020 [4 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
I'd definitely do 2 though. Your initial apology may have come off as "Holy crap. I don't want to get fired. How do I get out of this?" Sit down and be sincere.
posted by cmm at 11:59 AM on August 27, 2020 [24 favorites]