Two mentally ill peas in a pod?

August 23, 2020 4:02 PM

I am getting to know a potential romantic partner and they shared that they experience mental illness, although didn’t specify what type. I in turn shared that I experience depression and anxiety, although I didn’t elaborate. I’m grateful that we were able to start an open dialogue early on. I’m wondering if MeFites who experience mental illness and whose partners also experience mental illness can share their relationship tips. I would also appreciate suggestions for good questions to ask new person as things unfold.

I know that lots of awesome people experience mental illness. (Hi!) It feels silly and kind of hypocritical of me to shut the door on this, although I admit I am mindful of my own tendencies to slip into caretaker role.

I’m hopeful that clear communication and boundaries will help down the line, should things proceed. But in the early stages, what questions specifically related to mental health & relationships should I be asking new person?

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (11 answers total)

It's worth noting that there are a lot of people who could be diagnosed with a "mental illness", but haven't been, so don't think they have one and don't talk about it. You could easily have met someone like that unknowingly.

"Mental illness" just means a diagnosis, which is in itself somewhat subjective and not an exact science. I would guess that a majority of people could be diagnosed with some sort of "mental illness". The fact that your potential partner, and you, have this information about yourselves and have presumably sought some kind of treatment at some point is a positive, and shows self-awareness.

Another thing is, that what their diagnosis is would make a difference in how you might approach them and what symptoms they have, etc. For example, many people have diagnoses of depression or anxiety, of varying degrees. Some people manage well, and some do not. Something like Bipolar disorder could possibly be more complicated and involve medications, but some people also manage well with that too. So I think waiting to have the discussion about what the diagnosis is, and how they are managing it/how it is being treated, would be important before making assumptions about how you two might communicate.
posted by bearette at 4:54 PM on August 23, 2020 [2 favorites]

I have two tips and one piece of advice.

1) ask how are you feeling rather than how are you doing. Very different answers.
2) have descriptions for what “bad” days look like you can go with. For my partner it is eh, meh, and bleh for bad to worst day wise.

Advice:

1) you both need to have really good boundaries. Otherwise one persons bad day can really ruin the other person’s day.
2) listen to each other about what helps and do it if it won’t hurt you. There are things we both find helpful that the other person initially found unusual and they really help.
posted by eleanna at 4:58 PM on August 23, 2020 [8 favorites]

In my experience if there is a discussion relating to shared diagnoses, medication should be also communicated and make sure you both stick with your doctors visits. Relationships will always trigger the manic or depressed without meaning to and it's important that you know what you are able to work on
posted by The_imp_inimpossible at 3:02 AM on August 24, 2020 [1 favorite]

You are not their therapist, and they are not yours.
posted by SemiSalt at 4:21 AM on August 24, 2020 [4 favorites]

I am mindful of my own tendencies to slip into caretaker role.
You are not obligated to date this person. If you decide that there is a risk that you will slip into a caretaker role or if you decide this person’s particular illness is something you do not want to deal with, that is OK. Signed, just another person with mental illness.
posted by Bella Donna at 4:59 AM on August 24, 2020 [3 favorites]

If you are both able to acknowledge the difficulties of your particular form of mental health issue and ask for what you need, I think you have a much better shot at success. I'm feeling anxious and irritable; it's not you. I'm going for a walk, alone is probably best. or I've been feeling depressed; can we go for some walks? Exercise and company help, if you're available.

It's okay to ask for help. It's okay to offer help. It's okay to say No or be unable to help at any given moment. Boundaries are healthy.

It's not a great idea to diagnose your partner or try to fix them.
posted by theora55 at 8:15 AM on August 24, 2020 [2 favorites]

There's so much variety in this topic that I find it hard to give pointed advice. In my own life, self-responsibility is important. Someone with mental illness who follows their treatment plan, proactively communicates with their providers if symptoms are not well managed, takes responsiblity for lifestyle elements of recovery will be a very different person in a relationship than someone who doesn't do these things. I would not recommend a relationship with someone who doesn't take responsibility for managing their condition.

Now, does that mean the significant other will never be impacted by the illness in question? Of course not. We are impacted by a partner's choices and behaviors whether there is mental illness or not. But I highly recommend not setting yourself up to be a caretaker for someone with a victim identity about their mental illness, or someone who for whatever reason doesn't do something about it. Maybe that's harsh or ableist idk. I kind of think that whatever is left after making an effort at recovery cannot be helped and that's where compassion, empathy and grace come in. But if there's no independent recovery oriented behavior that isn't something I would hitch my wagon to.
posted by crunchy potato at 11:30 AM on August 24, 2020 [1 favorite]

Some people can cope with their mental illness with self-directed care. Some people struggle with complex illnesses that require ongoing medication management. If one person has the latter, they NEED to have a decent psychiatrist onside, and they need to be med-responsible, no ifs or buts. Therapists too, sure if good ones can be found, any professional support that’s needed - but psychiatrist 100000000000%. Person A needs their team, person B their team.

For addictions, very sad but would not take that on myself unless they were like a) a decade deep into sobriety and b) at least a few years into a balanced, comfortable life. (If someone has an untreated mental illness AND an untreated addiction, no.)
posted by cotton dress sock at 4:16 PM on August 24, 2020

It's really, really useful to have at least one person in the house who's functional at any given moment.

Like, ok, ideally you'll have two. In a lot of relationships between mentally ill people, there will be two almost all the time. That's awesome.

But in some relationships, between some mentally ill people, there will be times when there's only one — and even times when it's a struggle to make sure there's one. Even if you're both really clear on not being each other's caretaker, and have really great boundaries around that, you might just be people who fall apart a lot.

If that's the kind of relationship you have, it is really, really, really, really, really, really useful to find ways to at least take turns most of the time. Being able to communicate about it makes a big difference. It's bad to force your partner to keep it together for your sake 100% of the time. It's good to be able to say to your partner "Hey, I'm having a terrible time; can you pull yourself together enough to pay that bill tonight?" It's really good to have the sort of relationship where you can both ask things like that, and can both say "no" to things like that if you have to, and can discuss it like you'd discuss how you'll handle other less-than-ideal situation.

There may also be times when you can't take turns. If someone is in the hospital after a suicide attempt, it is not their turn to be the functional one. But getting good at taking turns when you can will make you better at coping with the situations where you can't.
posted by nebulawindphone at 6:48 PM on August 24, 2020 [2 favorites]

I don't know that I would be asking things like this at all early on. If you are impatient to learn all the dirty details of their internal struggles, you are not going to be approaching them from a place of respect. Even if you, yourself, are mentally ill, it is still possible for you to misunderstand the place these foibles have had in their development as a person. Can you learn to know them, first? If they are taking responsibility for their condition, as other posters have suggested--if they speak of their therapist, or their psychologist, or their journaling or research other useful coping methods--that is a great sign.

Both my wife and myself have mental health issues that affect our daily lives; we are only able to discuss them fairly with each other thanks to the deep trust and intimacy we already shared because we knew and loved each other first. We have had to work on our personal boundaries, since we're both people-pleasers, and speak up when something is harming us, but any relationship is going to require this kind of personal work.
posted by the liquid oxygen at 9:13 AM on August 25, 2020 [1 favorite]

My partner and I are not dealing with mental illness exactly, but we both have a lot of trauma from growing up and sometimes it manifests in weird ways and seriously disrupts our relationship, sometimes for extended periods if one of us is really going through a lot of flashbacks or something. The most USEFUL THING we have found to say to each other is:

“I have space for you, if there’s something on your mind that you think you might like to share please share anytime.”

It accomplishes a couple things—

1. Let’s your person know you are available for them (so they feel like less of a burden hopefully)

2. It doesn’t put as much pressure on them to disclose their thoughts as if you say “what’s wrong?” or similar.

Anyway. It’s been a great gentle conversation starter for us, or sometimes just a good comforting statement.

Best of luck. If things work out, having someone by your side who is going through something similar to what you’re going through mentally (or just someone who knows what it is like to go through stuff!!) is one of the most valuable things one can find in life, imo.
posted by leafmealone at 8:03 PM on September 17, 2020