Another coronavirus dating question
August 19, 2020 8:35 PM Subscribe
What do you do when you ask someone out and they essentially say "ask me again later"?
I’ve been talking to someone I met on a dating app for about a week. I prefer to video chat sooner rather than later to gauge chemistry/make sure the other person is real, so I’ll usually message someone for a few days, and if he seems cool and there are no glaring red flags, I’ll ask him out. So today I asked this guy, who I thought I’d hit it off with, if he would like to video chat or talk on the phone soon, and he pretty much said… “yes but not yet”? He made a joke about needing time to prepare since he hasn’t talked to anyone in a while, and so, trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, I said sure and to let me know when he wanted to chat. And his response to that was that I should ask him again later, because he would probably forget to ask me! Is it reasonable to be annoyed by this? I put the ball in his court and he put it back in mine—that isn’t how balls in courts work! I’ve heard so many catfishing horror stories and I’m worried he’s not who he says he is (I can’t find him online, he only has one profile picture), but I’m also just annoyed by the whole throwing it back to me thing, and his claiming he would forget to ask me later on. But I’m also worried I’m overreacting. I don't have a ton of dating experience and dating during covid is particularly confusing. An outside perspective would be much appreciated!
I’ve been talking to someone I met on a dating app for about a week. I prefer to video chat sooner rather than later to gauge chemistry/make sure the other person is real, so I’ll usually message someone for a few days, and if he seems cool and there are no glaring red flags, I’ll ask him out. So today I asked this guy, who I thought I’d hit it off with, if he would like to video chat or talk on the phone soon, and he pretty much said… “yes but not yet”? He made a joke about needing time to prepare since he hasn’t talked to anyone in a while, and so, trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, I said sure and to let me know when he wanted to chat. And his response to that was that I should ask him again later, because he would probably forget to ask me! Is it reasonable to be annoyed by this? I put the ball in his court and he put it back in mine—that isn’t how balls in courts work! I’ve heard so many catfishing horror stories and I’m worried he’s not who he says he is (I can’t find him online, he only has one profile picture), but I’m also just annoyed by the whole throwing it back to me thing, and his claiming he would forget to ask me later on. But I’m also worried I’m overreacting. I don't have a ton of dating experience and dating during covid is particularly confusing. An outside perspective would be much appreciated!
Errrr, my first thought is that maybe he’s camera shy?
His response was avoidant, and I find it yellow flag-y that he deflected the question of when to try video chatting again. You haven’t said how you’ve felt about him so far, but if he’s cool and you like him enough to try again, I’d ask him out for an in-person meetup. Only if you feel comfortable! You could ask to meet up in a public place for a coffee or a walk in town or something short and safe, and see how he responds to that. If not, move on- there are plenty of other non-avoidant people out there that will be happy to have a quick video chat with you!
posted by Champagne Supernova at 8:47 PM on August 19, 2020 [1 favorite]
His response was avoidant, and I find it yellow flag-y that he deflected the question of when to try video chatting again. You haven’t said how you’ve felt about him so far, but if he’s cool and you like him enough to try again, I’d ask him out for an in-person meetup. Only if you feel comfortable! You could ask to meet up in a public place for a coffee or a walk in town or something short and safe, and see how he responds to that. If not, move on- there are plenty of other non-avoidant people out there that will be happy to have a quick video chat with you!
posted by Champagne Supernova at 8:47 PM on August 19, 2020 [1 favorite]
Best answer: If the dude can't be bothered to call you back then don't spend the energy thinking about him.
I don't think he's catfishing you. I think either A) he's not that interested, but he wants to keep you as an option, which is not a good position for you to be in or B) he's legitimately not in a place where he is ready to talk on the phone, but he's expecting you to do the emotional labor of monitoring when he might be ready and of trying to arrange the video date again, which is not a great sign for how any hypothetical relationship might go.
posted by JDHarper at 8:52 PM on August 19, 2020 [42 favorites]
I don't think he's catfishing you. I think either A) he's not that interested, but he wants to keep you as an option, which is not a good position for you to be in or B) he's legitimately not in a place where he is ready to talk on the phone, but he's expecting you to do the emotional labor of monitoring when he might be ready and of trying to arrange the video date again, which is not a great sign for how any hypothetical relationship might go.
posted by JDHarper at 8:52 PM on August 19, 2020 [42 favorites]
It either means, "I'm not that into you and I'm hoping you won't ask me later," or, "I'm kind of neurotic and I'm afraid that if we meet via zoom you won't like me as much." He's already said that he might not get around to zooming, so I'm guessing it's the former. I agree that it's annoying, but compared to ghosting, it's verging on honest (or what passes for it now.) As ever, if they don't say "I really want to see where this might go," it's a no.
posted by wryly at 8:53 PM on August 19, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by wryly at 8:53 PM on August 19, 2020 [1 favorite]
Best answer: You're not his personal assistant, you're a prospective dating partner! And while I appreciate that he feels comfortable enough to be honest with you about where he's at, it's a bad thing that rather than deal with his uncomfortable feelings he puts it on you to follow up with him in the hopes? that his discomfort will dissipate. He needs to do his own emotional labor here, I think move on.
posted by Colonel_Chappy at 8:53 PM on August 19, 2020 [9 favorites]
posted by Colonel_Chappy at 8:53 PM on August 19, 2020 [9 favorites]
I should ask him again later, because he would probably forget to ask me!
ugh. he's negging you already? move on with extreme prejudice.
posted by fingersandtoes at 9:18 PM on August 19, 2020 [11 favorites]
ugh. he's negging you already? move on with extreme prejudice.
posted by fingersandtoes at 9:18 PM on August 19, 2020 [11 favorites]
Is it reasonable to be annoyed by this?
Totally reasonable. At that point I'd say "Ok" and move on with extreme prejudice, as fingersandtoes said. Honestly I'd read his response as either not interested in me, and/or not having the emotional resources to actually date. Either option is a no go.
he only has one profile picture
This would be a red flag for me, in that someone who can't be arsed to complete a profile will put in the same amount of effort into dating. Which in this case, has proven to be true. That, or they're hiding something, like being married.
posted by foxjacket at 9:32 PM on August 19, 2020 [2 favorites]
Totally reasonable. At that point I'd say "Ok" and move on with extreme prejudice, as fingersandtoes said. Honestly I'd read his response as either not interested in me, and/or not having the emotional resources to actually date. Either option is a no go.
he only has one profile picture
This would be a red flag for me, in that someone who can't be arsed to complete a profile will put in the same amount of effort into dating. Which in this case, has proven to be true. That, or they're hiding something, like being married.
posted by foxjacket at 9:32 PM on August 19, 2020 [2 favorites]
Whatever else may be going on, would you want to date someone you need to keep reminding to call you or text you or meet you?
posted by trig at 9:49 PM on August 19, 2020 [5 favorites]
posted by trig at 9:49 PM on August 19, 2020 [5 favorites]
My memory sucks for things I need to do. Therefore I set alarms for important things, even to follow up with friends. You are not an important thing to him.
posted by Crystalinne at 11:10 PM on August 19, 2020 [5 favorites]
posted by Crystalinne at 11:10 PM on August 19, 2020 [5 favorites]
I’d roll my eyes and move on. He’s basically saying that he can’t be bothered remembering you enough to make an effort but he expects you to remember him. Screw that. Send back a laugh emoji and block him.
posted by Jubey at 1:19 AM on August 20, 2020 [8 favorites]
posted by Jubey at 1:19 AM on August 20, 2020 [8 favorites]
I mean, if you're excited to be in a relationship where all the relationship management and activation energy comes from you, by all means, continue conversing with this fellow. But if you're looking for a person who will be an active partner in building, caretaking, and maintaining your relationship, this guy is clearly and explicitly conveying that he will not be that partner.
I have had conversations with three friends in the last week, all women with male partners, who are complaining about exactly this. The friend who's a year in is trying to justify her dude's behavior on the basis of covid; the one 7 years in is justifying it on the basis of her dude's anxiety, and the one who's 20 years in is pretty mad at herself for all the years of justifying and enabling her dude's lack of participation in their partnership. So, there's a preview for you.
When someone tells you who they are, believe them.
posted by spindrifter at 3:44 AM on August 20, 2020 [10 favorites]
I have had conversations with three friends in the last week, all women with male partners, who are complaining about exactly this. The friend who's a year in is trying to justify her dude's behavior on the basis of covid; the one 7 years in is justifying it on the basis of her dude's anxiety, and the one who's 20 years in is pretty mad at herself for all the years of justifying and enabling her dude's lack of participation in their partnership. So, there's a preview for you.
When someone tells you who they are, believe them.
posted by spindrifter at 3:44 AM on August 20, 2020 [10 favorites]
Do not send him a laughing emoji! That's the kind of flirty, "hey, Im resilient in the face of noncommitance" that's catnip to ambivalent dudes! And then you're dating them and wondering why it's not working out.
He's not ready or really interested in dating. He created a profile because he was lonely and communicated because it was low effort and he was low key interested.
Dating is effort and he's not into it. Hard pass.
Edited to add: or he's married and can't video because he's quarantined with his wife.
Edited edited to add: he's not even motivated by the prospect of sex. Zero to be gained from sending any texts.
posted by perdhapley at 4:33 AM on August 20, 2020 [4 favorites]
He's not ready or really interested in dating. He created a profile because he was lonely and communicated because it was low effort and he was low key interested.
Dating is effort and he's not into it. Hard pass.
Edited to add: or he's married and can't video because he's quarantined with his wife.
Edited edited to add: he's not even motivated by the prospect of sex. Zero to be gained from sending any texts.
posted by perdhapley at 4:33 AM on August 20, 2020 [4 favorites]
Response by poster: Thanks everyone! I marked a few best answers but all of them were helpful. Moving on!
posted by aaadddaaa at 5:02 AM on August 20, 2020 [4 favorites]
posted by aaadddaaa at 5:02 AM on August 20, 2020 [4 favorites]
The good thing is, he sent a clear signal early on. Good for you for moving on!
posted by bearette at 5:53 AM on August 20, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by bearette at 5:53 AM on August 20, 2020 [1 favorite]
As with all things online dating, it's either a Fuck Yes or a No.
Be accommodating, sure, but he's not saying Fuck Yes. Move along.
posted by Capt. Renault at 9:30 AM on August 20, 2020 [2 favorites]
Be accommodating, sure, but he's not saying Fuck Yes. Move along.
posted by Capt. Renault at 9:30 AM on August 20, 2020 [2 favorites]
What? That's a huge red flag. Not ready to talk to anyone is concerning. Not ready to reset a date is concerning. I'd stop seeing someone after a few dates for that line, even if they went well. With no dates, I'd just block and be happy to keep screening.
posted by Kalmya at 1:57 PM on August 20, 2020
posted by Kalmya at 1:57 PM on August 20, 2020
I must be really out of touch, because I assumed he was clumsily flirting with that line.
posted by sm1tten at 4:23 PM on August 20, 2020
posted by sm1tten at 4:23 PM on August 20, 2020
He's all about him. That's fine. you should be all about you. He isn't ready to move forward with you. No need to ditch him, but def. move forward with other opportunities and finding other opportunities.
posted by theora55 at 12:08 PM on August 23, 2020
posted by theora55 at 12:08 PM on August 23, 2020
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by oflinkey at 8:45 PM on August 19, 2020 [31 favorites]