trouble in cat adoptiontown
August 18, 2020 7:53 PM   Subscribe

I recently decided to adopt a cat. I met and loved the cat, but the situation with the foster and the organization is confusing and I'm not sure of my reaction or my next steps.

About a month ago, I read a great pet profile through petfinder and put in an applicatoin to meet her. The org that is taking care of the cat doesn't have a physical location -- all the animals are housed with a foster family. So they definitely wanted to check me out before agreeing to arrange a meeting -- makes sense.

I was approved and met the foster and the kitty and it went well! The cat and I liked each other a lot, and the foster seemed really friendly. She said I could take kitty home that night, but I asked to defer the adoption. There were a few reasons for this... I didn't bring my checkbook (oops), and the cat had an outstanding dental vet appointment on the foster org's dime. I didn't feel comfortable taking her to this appointment, since this is not my vet, and also it's not my money paying for the visit. I know from experience that cat dental visits can include extractions -- and that involves having the vet call you and ask for authorization while the cat is under. I also didn't have the cat's preferred food at home (since I didn't know what it was until that visit) and wanted more time to prepare. The foster agreed to the deferral and we agreed to meet Aug 1, the day after the cat's vet appointment.

July 31: I text the foster to confirm the location of kitty transfer on Aug 1. Foster texts back that kitty had several teeth extracted and needs to rest for a few days.

Aug 3: I've been left on read for 24 hours asking for an update , so I email the foster org executive director to see if the foster is doing okay (we ARE in a pandemic...) or if there is some issue with the adoption. I get a snippy email back that a deferral is what I asked for.

Aug 4: we agree to meet up on the 8th.

Aug 8: as I am literally getting into the car to go pick up the cat, the foster calls me and tells me she's sick and can't make it. I don't want to pry into her health and definitely want her to rest up without fending off jittery kitty parent texts, so I wait until...

Aug 17: I text her this exactly: "Hey, hope you're feeling better! When you have a chance, please let me know a good time for me to take kitty off your hands." and she responds "Will do." I have initiated every text conversation with this foster except the first one (since she had my number from the application), so I am not confident she will reach out to me to set up another time.

I am already emotionally attached to this cat or I would already be looking for another org to work with. It's been hard getting excited about bringing the cat home and then being let down multiple times. I'm also really frustrated because if you have time to text "will do," don't you have time to either say "I'm swamped now but will have time to coordinate a date/time with you on Thursday" or "How does Saturday sound?"

On the other hand, in speaking with the foster in person and reading between the lines, I know she's had a few deaths recently and is involved in coordinating memorial services. I am sympathetic to this and understand that grief is difficult. And she's been sick, as I mentioned above. However, she agreed to be a foster parent, and the radio silence and lack of partnership in getting this kitty homed is both concerning and disheartening. At this point I'm not even confident the adoption will go through, and I'm not sure about emailing the executive director again because she was so unfriendly/unhelpful the first time.

I want to bring this sweet cat home, metafilter. I have a great forever home to share with her. What do you think I should do next?

(sadly, I did not take any pictures when I met her... sorry for the cat tax evasion :( )
posted by snerson to Human Relations (15 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
 
I think now is the moment to go back to the org. They should be able to arrange the transfer with the foster and not leave it wholly with you.
posted by frumiousb at 8:50 PM on August 18, 2020 [4 favorites]


If it were me I'd call (not email) the foster director and ask if the adoption is still on as far as she knows. At this point they need to provide some clarity. It sounds like there has been a hitch of some sort.
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:51 PM on August 18, 2020 [2 favorites]


If I were to guess, maybe the kitty is taking a longer time to heal from the extractions than they expected? Maybe it is some kind of weird test to see how interested and committed you are?

I have adopted cats from organizations like this, that is ones that have no actual location but coordinate using fosters. It was my experience that they were not as organized or did not have the same sense of urgency as I have. Hard to tell which. What I did find out is that they do not like to be "threatened" in the sense that saying I need to adopt this cat by Friday or I will be forced to look elsewhere will not end well for you.

I would call the foster and tell them that you will be in the area say in two days and could we arrange to make the transfer at the same place on X date at Y time. Be specific, but ask. If they say that does not work for them for reasons, ask what does work. Be persistent but not overly aggressive about it.

I wold also keep looking at Pet Finder to make sure they are not relisting kitty looking for a better offer and leaning on your bid so to speak. If kitty is still listed, you could use that as a pretext to call. Hey, I saw kitty is still on PF. I thought we had agreed on the adoption. Why don't I come by and pick up kitty this week say on Thursday at 11.
posted by AugustWest at 10:39 PM on August 18, 2020 [3 favorites]


I think there are two distinct very bad possibilities in addition to the innocent explanations: 1) the cat has an undisclosed medical issue that they are furiously trying to fix/mask (a pal recently experienced this- they were trying to hide ringworm), or 2) they are not willing to give up the cat, but won't actually tell you that, whether because you inadvertently raised a red flag somewhere, or they've grown attached, or whatever. This is common with certain rescue orgs. If I were you, I'd walk away right now due to the red flags, but I get that you're attached. Maybe check their reviews to see if anyone else reports similar stories. If there's a pattern, strongly encourage you to look at other cats.
posted by acidic at 12:31 AM on August 19, 2020 [3 favorites]


I had a similar experience with trying to adopt a cat from petfinder. First, I don't want to discourage people from doing this and I know many people that successfully found pets on petfinder. Unfortunately what can sometimes happen is that someone is fostering an animal they have fallen in love with and really want to keep, but they are being paid (in money or food or both) to look after the pet and cannot afford it otherwise. So they need to keep pretending the pet is available, but they won't actually hand it over, and will keep on coming up with reasons to delay, hoops to jump through etc, and the pet will remain listed. I think maybe your foster had second thoughts and you might be stuck in this situation now (its very similar to my situation, although the initial offer to hand over was for a time I had said I could not make). Although it is difficult, you might want to just let it go at some point, and look for another pet.
posted by meepmeow at 12:33 AM on August 19, 2020 [4 favorites]


Perhaps stop with the text messages and call them, first the foster and if that doesn’t resolve then the director.
posted by koahiatamadl at 2:02 AM on August 19, 2020 [1 favorite]


I suspect the rescue might be a bit testy because you wanted the cat, but also wanted to avoid the imminent vet appointment, leaving it to their volunteer to handle one last big inconvenience.

I am sure that when this person agreed to be a foster they didn't anticipate having "a few deaths" and multiple memorial services to coordinate. That sounds truly horrifying. Reach out to the executive director and say "I have tried a few times to reach out to Foster Parent but given their current circumstances we haven't been able to arrange a hand-off, and I don't want to intrude on their grief any further. I am still very interested in adopting Cat but I am not sure what the best approach is. What do you think?"
posted by jacquilynne at 5:44 AM on August 19, 2020 [33 favorites]


as I am literally getting into the car to go pick up the cat, the foster calls me


--Perhaps stop with the text messages and call them


yes, please.
posted by queenofbithynia at 6:44 AM on August 19, 2020 [3 favorites]


I think that the fact the person is dealing with bereavement may be involved here, they may be in a crisis state, dissociated, or just not able to see strangers right now. You made a statement that indirectly postulated a request for action and the foster responded to it at its face value, that happens sometimes. They set a boundary that they’d let you know when they were able to set a time, your options are to accommodate that or to terminate the negotiation by finding another cat. The foster is not meeting their basic obligations and that’s their fault. Apart from going through the agency there’s very little else you can do.
posted by The Last Sockpuppet at 7:36 AM on August 19, 2020 [5 favorites]


If she’s sick with COVID-19, the delay may be that it takes a few weeks before you’re clear to see people, if/when you recover. If I wanted the cat, I would give it a few more weeks, and if there was still no contact, inform the foster org and start searching for another candidate. The foster owner seemed friendly and took care of the vet appointment at your request; I don’t see a reason to suspect ill intent if you didn’t get a bad vibe.
posted by Rube R. Nekker at 8:22 AM on August 19, 2020 [1 favorite]


Here's what I'd do (I'm a former fosterer, but haven't had this much trouble adopting out a cat):

- Call the fosterer. Be prepared to be emotionally open, tell them how much you will love the cat, how much preparation you've done, how much time you can spend with her. Also convey that you feel for the fosterer's emotional situation, with all the deaths, etc., and that you understand that this might be a particularly hard time to let go of such a sweet loving presence as the kitty.

- If they have a lot of kitties, I'd feel more confident in lobbying to adopt kitty - fewer kitties means you can bond more with the rest.

- If the fosterer isn't rushed during the phone call, talk through the steps you would go through to arrive, knock on door, greet kitty, fosterer gives one final hug/cuddle to kitty, you put kitty in crate (or fosterer puts her in crate), you say goodbye to other cats & fosterer, leave with kitty, and fosterer has other cats to play with. Visualizing it (informally - don't make a big deal out of it unless fosterer is receptive) can make it seem less huge and less time consuming.

- set a deadline to decide on a pick-up date. Something like, "I know you're probably busy right now, but could you call me by Thursday at 8 PM to let me know when I should come pick up kitty? Sometime before next Wednesday? I want to spend as much time as possible with her!"

Make yourself open to hearing that the fosterer just isn't ready/able to let go of the cat right now. It's better that you hear this now, on the phone, than to be in limbo for any more time.

If you seem like a loving, empathetic person (which you are! You're adopting a creature with no eyebrows, so you have to be empathetic to understand that kitty has feelings!), fosterer will have a much easier time being open to you, and letting you take care of kitty.

Fosterers aren't professionals; they may not be 100% great communicators. But that's OK, and you can make up the difference.

Good luck! I want to see a photo of kitty if there _is_ a listing still up.
posted by amtho at 8:31 AM on August 19, 2020 [4 favorites]


On reading the emphasis in the comment just above mine: do not pressure the fosterer, and if Wednesday is too soon, that's OK - the goal is just to get a date set, any date. Or even a date for having a date set -- if this week is too early for that, that's OK too. Please don't make a volunteer feel bad about prioritizing their own feelings and time. You just want clarity.
posted by amtho at 8:33 AM on August 19, 2020 [1 favorite]


One thing I'd like to point out is that Fosters are generally good people, unpaid volunteers, who just want what's best for their animals. They have life issues too. To answer your general question, I think you should stick it out with this foster, and not escalate, complain, or anything. Lets say it takes another few weeks or months. That's okay (IMO). They are just working on a timeline and urgency and scheduling a bit different than your own.
posted by bbqturtle at 11:16 AM on August 19, 2020 [1 favorite]


Response by poster: Thank you so much for all of the responses -- the variety of experiences and perspectives has been helpful. And to clarify: I don't want to run all over the foster's boundaries and make her feel bad for going through a rough patch. I don't want to take a hardass approach which amounts to "give me the kitty this week or I walk." I want to be accommodating, but I also have to work towards my goals (have cat) and respect my emotional energy (which may involve pursuing other cat opportunities). I don't think the foster is a bad person, and I don't want to emotionally distress her at all, but I am frustrated with the ambiguity of the situation... which is why I posted here, so I could channel my frustrations into a strategy instead of taking it out on another person. Again, thank you all for your perspectives.

@ AugustWest: Kitty's petfinder page is down, which is a good sign!

@ acidic: teeth extractions aren't cheap, and the foster did say the cat had stomatitis, so I don't think that's the case. Or at least, I hope it's not the case. They pretty easily could have not addressed the teeth and left that issue for me to discover, and pay for, later.

@ jacquilynne: that is a super helpful script. I'll give that a shot over the phone if I don't hear anything by Sunday.
posted by snerson at 11:32 AM on August 19, 2020 [2 favorites]


Wondering how the cat story is going. Hoping for an update!
posted by countrymod at 5:45 PM on August 23, 2020 [4 favorites]


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