Overthinking New therapist?
August 16, 2020 3:44 PM Subscribe
I recently changed therapists at the same location but I feel uneasy every time I speak to her about my relationships. Am I overthinking it? Should I switch again?
After my last therapist ghosted me and I switched to a new therapist but her focus on my lack of any relationship is weirding me out. I mentioned that I was asexual and the same question returned for 2-5x if "I was OK w/being Alone Forever?" this is an awkward moment since I think most therapists would stop after the 2nd time like in the past.
For example, I mentioned that most of my friends were online, and then she mentioned if I ever planned on meeting them IRL? When I said no since they lived in foreign/far away places it went back to if I would be "alone forever"? I mean, I get a lot of pressure from the family who want me to get married so it's an uncomfortable session when I encounter it again. Should I change therapists? I feel like this is going to haunt me forever despite that I mentioned that I'm OK w/being Single.
Also, I'm not sure if it's fine to change therapists again so soon but lately, I feel uneasy each time it's mentioned since my answer has never changed.
After my last therapist ghosted me and I switched to a new therapist but her focus on my lack of any relationship is weirding me out. I mentioned that I was asexual and the same question returned for 2-5x if "I was OK w/being Alone Forever?" this is an awkward moment since I think most therapists would stop after the 2nd time like in the past.
For example, I mentioned that most of my friends were online, and then she mentioned if I ever planned on meeting them IRL? When I said no since they lived in foreign/far away places it went back to if I would be "alone forever"? I mean, I get a lot of pressure from the family who want me to get married so it's an uncomfortable session when I encounter it again. Should I change therapists? I feel like this is going to haunt me forever despite that I mentioned that I'm OK w/being Single.
Also, I'm not sure if it's fine to change therapists again so soon but lately, I feel uneasy each time it's mentioned since my answer has never changed.
This is just my armchair opinion but could you say to the therapist “why do you keep asking me that? I feel very comfortable with the relationships that I have built in my life, even if it seems unconventional to others.” (I’m not ace but my understanding is that it’s just absence of a physical relationship, not necessarily any relationship at all.)
You are always allowed to switch to a new therapist, esp if this one makes you uncomfortable but I wonder if there is an actual issue that they are trying to address (though they made be doing it poorly or hamfistedly).
posted by raccoon409 at 4:13 PM on August 16, 2020 [4 favorites]
You are always allowed to switch to a new therapist, esp if this one makes you uncomfortable but I wonder if there is an actual issue that they are trying to address (though they made be doing it poorly or hamfistedly).
posted by raccoon409 at 4:13 PM on August 16, 2020 [4 favorites]
Heck no. Oh no. To me, unless you have specifically stated that you are lonely and need to process that, this person's questions make me think, hmm, this is someone who doesn't understand asexuality and their incredulity about it being a completely valid state of being is coming through.
It is ALWAYS ok to choose to see a new therapist and you do not need to feel guilty or wrong about it at all. I would discontinue seeing this person immediately and ask for someone else who has experience working with individuals from the broader LGBTQIA+ spectrum.
posted by Kitchen Witch at 4:33 PM on August 16, 2020 [8 favorites]
It is ALWAYS ok to choose to see a new therapist and you do not need to feel guilty or wrong about it at all. I would discontinue seeing this person immediately and ask for someone else who has experience working with individuals from the broader LGBTQIA+ spectrum.
posted by Kitchen Witch at 4:33 PM on August 16, 2020 [8 favorites]
"Alone forever" is the kind of distorted thinking a therapist ought to be helping with, not perpetuating. It's fine if you need someone who isn't weirdly judgemental about your (valid! healthy!) choices.
posted by teremala at 4:35 PM on August 16, 2020 [23 favorites]
posted by teremala at 4:35 PM on August 16, 2020 [23 favorites]
It sounds as though this therapist fundamentally doesn't understand asexuality and also doesn't understand that online relationships are real relationships. If I were in your situation, I would look for a different therapist, starting with one who's experienced with LGBTQIA+ clients.
posted by Lexica at 5:03 PM on August 16, 2020 [4 favorites]
posted by Lexica at 5:03 PM on August 16, 2020 [4 favorites]
Unless *you've* used the phrase "alone forever" (and it's a theme for you), it's extremely odd that the therapist is using it. Your relationships or lack thereof at the moment, whether problematic or not for you now, are not a permanent and unchangeable state. You not being in any kind of relationship doesn't mean you'll be alone *forever,* whether you wanted that or not. It sounds like you don't feel comfortable after several sessions. That's reason enough to change.
posted by shadygrove at 5:55 PM on August 16, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by shadygrove at 5:55 PM on August 16, 2020 [1 favorite]
By "alone forever", is your therapist referring specifically to a romantic relationship, or might they be referring more generally to not having any face-to-face relationships, romantic or otherwise?
posted by billjings at 6:39 PM on August 16, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by billjings at 6:39 PM on August 16, 2020 [1 favorite]
Nthing that you can change therapists anytime.
If you like her otherwise, it might be worthwhile to push back on this issue just to see what her response is. Does she have a good answer on why she's pursing that line of questioning, does she respond thoughtfully or defensively when you bring it up, does she agree to let it go if you say that's what you want.
posted by bunderful at 6:45 PM on August 16, 2020 [2 favorites]
If you like her otherwise, it might be worthwhile to push back on this issue just to see what her response is. Does she have a good answer on why she's pursing that line of questioning, does she respond thoughtfully or defensively when you bring it up, does she agree to let it go if you say that's what you want.
posted by bunderful at 6:45 PM on August 16, 2020 [2 favorites]
Kick this therapist to the curb. It's absolutely not okay to talk to your patient like that unless, MAYBE, in the situation where you've brought that phrase up on your own and they're doing some weird reflective listening thing. You feel uneasy every time you speak about this specific topic. As a wise meme once said, just walk out, you can leave! And you can leave at any time, always!
posted by colorblock sock at 8:52 PM on August 16, 2020 [2 favorites]
posted by colorblock sock at 8:52 PM on August 16, 2020 [2 favorites]
Personally, I would seek out another mental health professional. If it doesn't feel right, it probably isn't. Your gut is telling you something here.
I'm not sure if you know about the book Party of One. It may give you some insights, on your own time and in your own experience, on what you are going through.
posted by chatelaine at 9:54 PM on August 16, 2020 [1 favorite]
I'm not sure if you know about the book Party of One. It may give you some insights, on your own time and in your own experience, on what you are going through.
posted by chatelaine at 9:54 PM on August 16, 2020 [1 favorite]
Honestly sounds like a bad match, because even if she is digging into a legit issue, sounds like at absolute best, she's expressing it poorly, and it's coming across as being about romantic relationships, which is also rubbing you up the wrong way.
I'm not entirely sure from the context you've presented whether therapist WAS saying, alone in the context of, Sexual relationships, which obviously aren't relevant to you,
or alone in the context of, no in-person social relationships?
Because the latter is definitely worth examining in therapy.
The only example you specifically mentioned, was that your friends are 'mostly' (how mostly?) online, and you have no plans to meet them...
Which makes it sound like possibly she was commenting on loneliness regarding your social relationships, not romantic relationships?
So first, yes, online relationships are definitely 'Real'!
But they meet a different set of needs to in person social relationships, and leave some in-person social interaction needs unmet.
The social animal needs being unmet? Social isolation? Reeeally highly correlated with anxiety & depression. Usually expressed as 'loneliness'.
Depending on the reason you're getting therapy, she might have been trying to prod at whether you are feeling loneliness, or want to change your current social situation at all.
And, BTW, just like depression sometimes means you lose your appetite/awareness of hunger relating to food and sleep, but it's still affecting you, and you need to eat, you can kind of lose your awareness of loneliness/needing social interaction, but still be more unhappy than people, or even yourself at a different time, who are getting positive social interaction.
*shrug*
posted by Elysum at 10:44 PM on August 16, 2020 [2 favorites]
I'm not entirely sure from the context you've presented whether therapist WAS saying, alone in the context of, Sexual relationships, which obviously aren't relevant to you,
or alone in the context of, no in-person social relationships?
Because the latter is definitely worth examining in therapy.
The only example you specifically mentioned, was that your friends are 'mostly' (how mostly?) online, and you have no plans to meet them...
Which makes it sound like possibly she was commenting on loneliness regarding your social relationships, not romantic relationships?
So first, yes, online relationships are definitely 'Real'!
But they meet a different set of needs to in person social relationships, and leave some in-person social interaction needs unmet.
The social animal needs being unmet? Social isolation? Reeeally highly correlated with anxiety & depression. Usually expressed as 'loneliness'.
Depending on the reason you're getting therapy, she might have been trying to prod at whether you are feeling loneliness, or want to change your current social situation at all.
And, BTW, just like depression sometimes means you lose your appetite/awareness of hunger relating to food and sleep, but it's still affecting you, and you need to eat, you can kind of lose your awareness of loneliness/needing social interaction, but still be more unhappy than people, or even yourself at a different time, who are getting positive social interaction.
*shrug*
posted by Elysum at 10:44 PM on August 16, 2020 [2 favorites]
I'm wondering what it would be like if you used as a chance to really stick up for yourself and say the things that you wish you could say to people who do this to you. Not getting angry and disrespectful but speak up clearly for your own experience. Something like "when you asking me about being alone forever it makes me feel as if you don't understand what it means to be asexual and you are putting a very negative interpretation on it instead of being open to what it means to me"
Then you can see how the therapist responds. There is a chance that you might get a response that makes you feel heard and validated and willing to keep working this person. There is also a real chance that the response might confirm your sense that this is a bad match. But the bonus here is that you get to experience yourself speaking up for yourself in a way that (I am assuming - forgive me if I'm wrong) that you wouldn't do with your own family where the consequences are more important. After all, if you don't like the therapist's response, you can move onto someone new and never have to deal with them again.
posted by metahawk at 10:48 PM on August 16, 2020 [5 favorites]
Then you can see how the therapist responds. There is a chance that you might get a response that makes you feel heard and validated and willing to keep working this person. There is also a real chance that the response might confirm your sense that this is a bad match. But the bonus here is that you get to experience yourself speaking up for yourself in a way that (I am assuming - forgive me if I'm wrong) that you wouldn't do with your own family where the consequences are more important. After all, if you don't like the therapist's response, you can move onto someone new and never have to deal with them again.
posted by metahawk at 10:48 PM on August 16, 2020 [5 favorites]
Personally, I feel that part of the therapist's role is to help the client get comfortable with whatever life choices the client has made.
As an example, I'm in a long-term committed relationship that I have no interest in turning into a marriage, and I've also taken surgical steps to ensure I never have children. If, hypothetically speaking, I felt that those were the best long-term choices for my life but I was also feeling some sadness, grief or regret for what could have been in terms of either marriage or kids and I went to therapy with this issue, I would see it as the therapist's role to help me explore and make peace with my feelings, not to strongly encourage me to take the default path prescribed by society and change my mind and get married/have kids.
I agree with the other commenters that this is a really good opportunity to try pushing back and setting your own boundaries with the therapist in what ought to be a safe space to try doing those things. I suspect this will also give you valuable information as to whether your therapist is a) a decent practitioner who was unfamiliar with asexuality or misread your desires for your life, or b) not a decent practitioner, and someone who's more interested in ensuring you follow societal scripts (or believes on some level that most people are happier following societal scripts).
I would not fault you for deciding that what you've already seen is more than you're comfortable with and choosing to cut your losses now, but I also think this could be an interesting opportunity to get slightly better data on what the therapist's deal is while also practising standing your ground when it comes to your own life choices if you feel comfortable attempting that with them.
posted by terretu at 1:44 AM on August 17, 2020
As an example, I'm in a long-term committed relationship that I have no interest in turning into a marriage, and I've also taken surgical steps to ensure I never have children. If, hypothetically speaking, I felt that those were the best long-term choices for my life but I was also feeling some sadness, grief or regret for what could have been in terms of either marriage or kids and I went to therapy with this issue, I would see it as the therapist's role to help me explore and make peace with my feelings, not to strongly encourage me to take the default path prescribed by society and change my mind and get married/have kids.
I agree with the other commenters that this is a really good opportunity to try pushing back and setting your own boundaries with the therapist in what ought to be a safe space to try doing those things. I suspect this will also give you valuable information as to whether your therapist is a) a decent practitioner who was unfamiliar with asexuality or misread your desires for your life, or b) not a decent practitioner, and someone who's more interested in ensuring you follow societal scripts (or believes on some level that most people are happier following societal scripts).
I would not fault you for deciding that what you've already seen is more than you're comfortable with and choosing to cut your losses now, but I also think this could be an interesting opportunity to get slightly better data on what the therapist's deal is while also practising standing your ground when it comes to your own life choices if you feel comfortable attempting that with them.
posted by terretu at 1:44 AM on August 17, 2020
Ooh no, no no no. The therapist is supposed to guide and support, not to press you on an issue like this, not even really to advise unless specifically requested.
Don't worry about looking for another one so soon - keep looking, keep trying them out, until you find one you really gel with. It's worth it to get that.
posted by greenish at 6:32 AM on August 17, 2020 [1 favorite]
Don't worry about looking for another one so soon - keep looking, keep trying them out, until you find one you really gel with. It's worth it to get that.
posted by greenish at 6:32 AM on August 17, 2020 [1 favorite]
There are a lot of sub-adequate therapists. It sounds like this one has a rigid view of how people should live and is projecting their goals and values onto you. I.e., It's not you, it's them.
posted by theora55 at 9:52 AM on August 17, 2020
posted by theora55 at 9:52 AM on August 17, 2020
So your therapist is, at the very least a bad communicator and at worst doesn't get your lifestyle and preferences. Both of these things are good enough reasons to find a therapist who gets you. But consider this for a second:
A therapist who gets asexuality may bring up similar issues, but they'd ask better questions and use appropriate language. I'm having trouble phrasing this, so bear with me, but it's about this idea that if you have a configuration of socioemotional needs that doesn't fit within the mold of amatonormativity, it can be difficult to get them fully met. A queer-friendly therapist can address all of this without sending the message that they're trying to force you into a societal script, as well as without deferring to the idea that a life partner is the answer for you.
To the extent that being ace doesn't necessarily imply anything about your platonic or even romantic desires, I suspect your therapist was trying to draw you out in a very clumsy way. For example, just because you're ace doesn't mean you're aro, even if you're okay with being single. I don't know if your therapist is trying to help you work through figuring out what your romantic orientation is (although they really should have just asked because you probably already know), as well as how to/if you should keep the doors to romantic connection open. Same thing goes for platonic relationships; Elysum's comment summed that up well. A good therapist absolutely isn't going to go all forever alone on you, but they can respect your asexuality and interrogate if and how you're getting your socioemotional cup filled.
posted by blerghamot at 12:09 PM on August 17, 2020 [1 favorite]
A therapist who gets asexuality may bring up similar issues, but they'd ask better questions and use appropriate language. I'm having trouble phrasing this, so bear with me, but it's about this idea that if you have a configuration of socioemotional needs that doesn't fit within the mold of amatonormativity, it can be difficult to get them fully met. A queer-friendly therapist can address all of this without sending the message that they're trying to force you into a societal script, as well as without deferring to the idea that a life partner is the answer for you.
To the extent that being ace doesn't necessarily imply anything about your platonic or even romantic desires, I suspect your therapist was trying to draw you out in a very clumsy way. For example, just because you're ace doesn't mean you're aro, even if you're okay with being single. I don't know if your therapist is trying to help you work through figuring out what your romantic orientation is (although they really should have just asked because you probably already know), as well as how to/if you should keep the doors to romantic connection open. Same thing goes for platonic relationships; Elysum's comment summed that up well. A good therapist absolutely isn't going to go all forever alone on you, but they can respect your asexuality and interrogate if and how you're getting your socioemotional cup filled.
posted by blerghamot at 12:09 PM on August 17, 2020 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by eggs at 4:11 PM on August 16, 2020 [15 favorites]