Advice on multi-generational living
August 11, 2020 9:40 PM Subscribe
We are exploring having my recently-widowed mother in law move in with us in the next year. I adore her and we have planned that someday this would happen, and now it's maybe here. We are starting to talk through this, and I'm wondering - what are some things you wish you'd known or talked about before setting up a multi-generational home?
She's young (early 60s) and totally independent, but the old house is too big and expensive (and lonely) for her. She might buy or rent a smaller place, too - but since this is eventually going to happen, we're also thinking why not now. We have plenty of space.
I am interested in all experiences, but one thing I'm very curious about is how to manage expectations and relationships with my husband's siblings and their families who are also all local. "Grandma's House" has been the de facto gathering spot, with lots of drop-ins (not with covid, but you know what I mean). How do we help the other grandkids still feel welcome and have access to Grandma even though she lives with us? How do we fairly manage expectations (and eventually, maybe money) with my husband's siblings?
What other questions should we be asking her, and ourselves, and the extended family?
She's young (early 60s) and totally independent, but the old house is too big and expensive (and lonely) for her. She might buy or rent a smaller place, too - but since this is eventually going to happen, we're also thinking why not now. We have plenty of space.
I am interested in all experiences, but one thing I'm very curious about is how to manage expectations and relationships with my husband's siblings and their families who are also all local. "Grandma's House" has been the de facto gathering spot, with lots of drop-ins (not with covid, but you know what I mean). How do we help the other grandkids still feel welcome and have access to Grandma even though she lives with us? How do we fairly manage expectations (and eventually, maybe money) with my husband's siblings?
What other questions should we be asking her, and ourselves, and the extended family?
I would encourage you to look at senior living. My cousin & husband moved from Kauai to Seattle. Their new neighborhood was full of young families. Everyone was friendly but busy. They sold that house and moved to a senior living community. They had no home maintenance worries, lots of new friends who had time to "play," and children and grandchildren were nearby.
I live 3 miles from my mother but couldn't visit her early in the pandemic. The separation was much harder for me living alone. She had lots of people around even while social distancing.
posted by MichelleinMD at 7:06 AM on August 12, 2020
I live 3 miles from my mother but couldn't visit her early in the pandemic. The separation was much harder for me living alone. She had lots of people around even while social distancing.
posted by MichelleinMD at 7:06 AM on August 12, 2020
She’s independent now but what would it look like if she becomes less so and perhaps requires care?
Requiring care here is a whole spectrum ranging from a well but ageing person getting some general support with life tasks and life admin to becoming bedridden and needing with 24 hr personal care and anywhere in between with the need for support increasing over time, perhaps with extra challenges like a physically healthy person developing dementia. Is there a point where she would move into a care home or would she stay in your house come what may? Who will provide that care? How is it paid for? How would siblings be involved? What if they don’t want or can’t be involved?
posted by koahiatamadl at 7:41 AM on August 12, 2020 [2 favorites]
Requiring care here is a whole spectrum ranging from a well but ageing person getting some general support with life tasks and life admin to becoming bedridden and needing with 24 hr personal care and anywhere in between with the need for support increasing over time, perhaps with extra challenges like a physically healthy person developing dementia. Is there a point where she would move into a care home or would she stay in your house come what may? Who will provide that care? How is it paid for? How would siblings be involved? What if they don’t want or can’t be involved?
posted by koahiatamadl at 7:41 AM on August 12, 2020 [2 favorites]
I grew up in a culture where multi-generational living is the norm. Areas of strife tend to be around (1) the kitchen/food in general and (2) socializing. #2 might seem less of an immediate concern now with covid, but in general, whether your MIL will have her own transportation available vs if she would have to ask you/your spouse for rides is a big potential source of resentment that bubbles along until it suddenly overflows like a pot left too long on the stove.
Parenting is the third, and possibly biggest, conflict area. Not just making sure your nieces and nephews still feel loved by grandma, but if grandma is going to be a primary carer for your kids while you and your spouse are working, make sure all three of you are on the same page about what that looks like and what the expectations around bad behavior are. My relationship with my grandfather was very strong while he was alive and living with us; my relationship with my grandmother improved tremendously when she moved across the country after his death.
posted by basalganglia at 7:46 AM on August 12, 2020 [1 favorite]
Parenting is the third, and possibly biggest, conflict area. Not just making sure your nieces and nephews still feel loved by grandma, but if grandma is going to be a primary carer for your kids while you and your spouse are working, make sure all three of you are on the same page about what that looks like and what the expectations around bad behavior are. My relationship with my grandfather was very strong while he was alive and living with us; my relationship with my grandmother improved tremendously when she moved across the country after his death.
posted by basalganglia at 7:46 AM on August 12, 2020 [1 favorite]
There are good reasons not to do it now if your relatively young MIL wants to still be a gathering place for her family and keep her independence.
I grew up in a multigenerational home, and it was lovely in many ways--always a lot of adults around, I was very close to my grandmother. But I know it was rough on my mother (who was the one who moved in) for a long time, because my grandmother was the de facto house leader, and my mom had to push for anything she wanted to do differently. And I don't just mean big, philosophical things, but small things like moving where the clothes line was or what flowers to put in the pot by the front door. It was never a fight, just that she never got to just make a decision; she had to Go To Bat for every choice she wanted to make.
Now my parents live in the same house I grew up in with my brother and his girlfriend (they all run a farm together, as they did with my grandparents). And my mom is very conscious about making room for my brother's GF to make this her home. But there are pressures about living with a lot of adults, which are different when one is a dependent vs. when you're all pretty much equals.
If you were considering moving to a new place together AND you were on board with being the family gathering place if she wanted to be, then I might feel more positive about this plan. But you all need to look at this as you would any other roommate situation. If you had a friend looking for a place to live, would they move in with you? How would you feel about having them around all the time? About them hosting parties at your house, wanting to cook an elaborate meal when you might need the kitchen, finding a beautiful piece of furniture that they want to put on display somewhere?
Bringing someone into your home is different from making a new home together. It's possible this sounds great to you, but make sure you're thinking about things this way, and that she is, as well.
posted by gideonfrog at 7:47 AM on August 12, 2020 [5 favorites]
I grew up in a multigenerational home, and it was lovely in many ways--always a lot of adults around, I was very close to my grandmother. But I know it was rough on my mother (who was the one who moved in) for a long time, because my grandmother was the de facto house leader, and my mom had to push for anything she wanted to do differently. And I don't just mean big, philosophical things, but small things like moving where the clothes line was or what flowers to put in the pot by the front door. It was never a fight, just that she never got to just make a decision; she had to Go To Bat for every choice she wanted to make.
Now my parents live in the same house I grew up in with my brother and his girlfriend (they all run a farm together, as they did with my grandparents). And my mom is very conscious about making room for my brother's GF to make this her home. But there are pressures about living with a lot of adults, which are different when one is a dependent vs. when you're all pretty much equals.
If you were considering moving to a new place together AND you were on board with being the family gathering place if she wanted to be, then I might feel more positive about this plan. But you all need to look at this as you would any other roommate situation. If you had a friend looking for a place to live, would they move in with you? How would you feel about having them around all the time? About them hosting parties at your house, wanting to cook an elaborate meal when you might need the kitchen, finding a beautiful piece of furniture that they want to put on display somewhere?
Bringing someone into your home is different from making a new home together. It's possible this sounds great to you, but make sure you're thinking about things this way, and that she is, as well.
posted by gideonfrog at 7:47 AM on August 12, 2020 [5 favorites]
Is there any possibility of putting an Accessory Dwelling Unit on your property, so she would have her own personal space but would still be nearby?
posted by mccxxiii at 7:55 AM on August 12, 2020 [5 favorites]
posted by mccxxiii at 7:55 AM on August 12, 2020 [5 favorites]
Six months ago, I moved out of my apartment and in with my grandmother when the pandemic / quarantine started. My family wanted someone to look after her and I already worked from home (and thus could live anywhere), so I volunteered.
The single-most important thing I've learned living with my grandmother (for the first time ever, mind you) is the *monumental* importance of communication.
It's so helpful to just let the other person know that you're there to help and that you're committed to make this living situation work, even if there are bumps in the road. I've said things like "Let me know if I say or do anything that upsets you or makes your life difficult, because that's the opposite of what I'm here to do.." Or, "Since our shared goal is to make this thing work, let's just promise that if one of us has a problem with the other, we'll be honest about it." Then, when we *do* have a problem, we prioritize finding a solution.
It's something I definitely plan to employ in *all* future living situations (not just multi-generational ones).
Good luck! :)
posted by jamesdtj at 8:45 AM on August 12, 2020 [2 favorites]
The single-most important thing I've learned living with my grandmother (for the first time ever, mind you) is the *monumental* importance of communication.
It's so helpful to just let the other person know that you're there to help and that you're committed to make this living situation work, even if there are bumps in the road. I've said things like "Let me know if I say or do anything that upsets you or makes your life difficult, because that's the opposite of what I'm here to do.." Or, "Since our shared goal is to make this thing work, let's just promise that if one of us has a problem with the other, we'll be honest about it." Then, when we *do* have a problem, we prioritize finding a solution.
It's something I definitely plan to employ in *all* future living situations (not just multi-generational ones).
Good luck! :)
posted by jamesdtj at 8:45 AM on August 12, 2020 [2 favorites]
I'm a bit older than your mother-in-law and I retired earlier this year. I think if there is any way to turn part of your house into a separate apartment ( or a separate cottage) with a separate entrance, a full bath, and a small kitchenette that would be the best solution. My kids all live near each other; I live far away and plan to move closer sometime soon. One of my kids has a basement/hillside apt. below their house that they rent out and we've talked about my moving in there at some point in the future. Another kid lives on several acres and we've talked about building me a little cottage separate from but close to his house.
Your MIL has a big house and I assume it's full of stuff. Moving into your presumably furnished house will be complicated unless you can offer her enough space for the stuff she really wants to keep. This is a big move for her so make sure all options are explored before she moves out of her house and maybe even sells it. Are there any small houses very close to you for sale? Some friends did that, they actually bought a house right next door to their daughter's house and it's worked out very well.
posted by mareli at 10:37 AM on August 12, 2020 [3 favorites]
Your MIL has a big house and I assume it's full of stuff. Moving into your presumably furnished house will be complicated unless you can offer her enough space for the stuff she really wants to keep. This is a big move for her so make sure all options are explored before she moves out of her house and maybe even sells it. Are there any small houses very close to you for sale? Some friends did that, they actually bought a house right next door to their daughter's house and it's worked out very well.
posted by mareli at 10:37 AM on August 12, 2020 [3 favorites]
Seconding mareli.
My brother-in-law is actually doing this/has done this in 3 different houses now living with his mother-in-law. With the first house, she had her own little mini cottage with a separate space, including separate entrance, full bath, and kitchenette. It was only a few steps from the main house, so easy to go back and forth, but she had her own space. With the next two houses, including the current one (this has been for about a year now since they moved to New Mexico), she has her own bedroom and bath, and it is kind of separate a bit from the main space, but otherwise they are basically all living together. They are coping, but it is not ideal, and I know they wish the old situation was still feasible. She is in her upper 80s now so needs more help, but for someone in their early 60s like your mother-in-law consider if there is any way to create a space or even mini apartment that is all hers.
posted by gudrun at 10:56 AM on August 12, 2020 [2 favorites]
My brother-in-law is actually doing this/has done this in 3 different houses now living with his mother-in-law. With the first house, she had her own little mini cottage with a separate space, including separate entrance, full bath, and kitchenette. It was only a few steps from the main house, so easy to go back and forth, but she had her own space. With the next two houses, including the current one (this has been for about a year now since they moved to New Mexico), she has her own bedroom and bath, and it is kind of separate a bit from the main space, but otherwise they are basically all living together. They are coping, but it is not ideal, and I know they wish the old situation was still feasible. She is in her upper 80s now so needs more help, but for someone in their early 60s like your mother-in-law consider if there is any way to create a space or even mini apartment that is all hers.
posted by gudrun at 10:56 AM on August 12, 2020 [2 favorites]
Your MIL is 'young' old. Living with family has a lot of plusses. I lived with my son and his wife for 8 months and have had friends do this. Talk about expectations, build in more privacy and boundaries than you expect to need. Not just a separate room and bathroom, but probably a separate apartment with its own entrance. What if you and sibling-in-law Chris have a serious problem? Chris needs to be able to visit freely without causing additional friction. What if MIL develops a serious relationship? What if you can't pay your mortgage; how much will MIL step in? is it okay if MIL does child care for sibling Lee's 2 kids even though they arrive at 7:30 a.m. and you aren't morning people? Can MIL have a party and use the back yard and not feature you? What if MIL wants to smoke a little pot to sleep better?
Googling Intergenerational Living gets a ton of results. Every county in the US is served by an Area Agency on Aging; find yours and give them a call. Talking to people doing this will help. As with all forms of human relations, there will be hurdles, so having resolution skills is useful. Good luck.
posted by theora55 at 11:03 AM on August 12, 2020
Googling Intergenerational Living gets a ton of results. Every county in the US is served by an Area Agency on Aging; find yours and give them a call. Talking to people doing this will help. As with all forms of human relations, there will be hurdles, so having resolution skills is useful. Good luck.
posted by theora55 at 11:03 AM on August 12, 2020
Let's also bring up the topic of Feelings. You, your spouse, other family members, and especially the mother-in-law have Feelings about things, which makes this situation move from "business, not personal" to something that is grumbled about over the Thanksgiving dinner.
MIL is facing the next step into aging and dependency. If living with you does not work out, then what? Sitting in a rocker in an old folks' home, surrounded by strangers?
Therefore, that extra layer of Feelings kicks in, along with the opposite urges to stir stuff up/be independent, or to let things slide/be irritated. That low-level anxiety about what her living situation may be a year from now can lead to all sorts of negative reactions. Among other things, that has health consequences.
Have some basic ground rules. Revisit those rules periodically. Have a plan B if things don't work out now, or if things change in the future.
No one wants to think that this is the best of several bad choices for the MIL.
Major seconding every suggestion that MIL has her own living quarters and can rock out with her besties all night long. Or peace out while you and your spouse have a fight. Getting in each other's business can be stressful.
posted by TrishaU at 4:51 PM on August 12, 2020
MIL is facing the next step into aging and dependency. If living with you does not work out, then what? Sitting in a rocker in an old folks' home, surrounded by strangers?
Therefore, that extra layer of Feelings kicks in, along with the opposite urges to stir stuff up/be independent, or to let things slide/be irritated. That low-level anxiety about what her living situation may be a year from now can lead to all sorts of negative reactions. Among other things, that has health consequences.
Have some basic ground rules. Revisit those rules periodically. Have a plan B if things don't work out now, or if things change in the future.
No one wants to think that this is the best of several bad choices for the MIL.
Major seconding every suggestion that MIL has her own living quarters and can rock out with her besties all night long. Or peace out while you and your spouse have a fight. Getting in each other's business can be stressful.
posted by TrishaU at 4:51 PM on August 12, 2020
I think the reason for 'why not now' is that she probably has 15 years ahead of her in which to make this move. That's a long time, and her needs then will probably be very different from what they are now and your situation may be just as different.
The easiest set up would be if you could turn some of your 'plenty of space' into a single floor de facto apartment with its own entrance, she paid for any renovation required from the sale of her house, and then kept the rest of her money and live with you rent free (with or without a contribution for utilities). That way she has her own space and you have your own space. And the other siblings won't worry that you are taking financial advantage of her, and any potential inheritance won't be tangled in your assets.
I think this is less likely to work if you don't really want your house to become the new gathering spot for your husband's family.
posted by plonkee at 4:33 AM on August 13, 2020 [2 favorites]
The easiest set up would be if you could turn some of your 'plenty of space' into a single floor de facto apartment with its own entrance, she paid for any renovation required from the sale of her house, and then kept the rest of her money and live with you rent free (with or without a contribution for utilities). That way she has her own space and you have your own space. And the other siblings won't worry that you are taking financial advantage of her, and any potential inheritance won't be tangled in your assets.
I think this is less likely to work if you don't really want your house to become the new gathering spot for your husband's family.
posted by plonkee at 4:33 AM on August 13, 2020 [2 favorites]
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How much of your MIL's autonomy is she willing to sacrifice? At her own home she can come an go at all hours of the day and night, make as much (or as little) noise as she likes, make a mess in the kitchen and leave it for a week. She answers to no one. Not so much in a shared home.
Consider everything from the irksome (nighttime noises, dishes in the kitchen sink, leaving windows unlocked and open) to the difficult (injuries or chronic illness, conducting her social life in your house, her personal property claims after a flood or fire, etc.)
How often are you going to review these informal rules? What happens if you cannot reach a compromise?
You have also hinted at monetary compensation from other relatives to help defray the expenses of maintaining a home for your MIL. This needs to be spelled out, particularly if these expenses include renovations of the house for ADA compliance or other issues needed for her well-being.
Another topic is what happens if your own needs change as you age, requiring a different living situation? What is plan B if you can no longer maintain the house for yourself and others?
This might be a place for a lawyer dealing with elder care.
posted by TrishaU at 1:23 AM on August 12, 2020