How to deal with lost attraction in quarantine
August 9, 2020 10:13 AM   Subscribe

My partner has picked up (or made worse) habits since shelter in place started: drinking a few too many every single day, loading up the pantry with sweets, not exercising or even walking anywhere. My attraction to them is dwindling because of this behavior as well as the weight they’ve put on. I feel lonely and guilty but I can’t seem to fake it til I make it on this. I’ve tried gently cajoling, exhibiting positive habits, inviting them to join exercise etc but it’s not working. I recognize that everyone is depressed. I am too. But I would like to rescue my attraction to this person somehow. Recommendations on paths forward that aren’t “go to therapy!!!” sought, please.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (22 answers total) 4 users marked this as a favorite
 
Be direct with them about these behavior changes and your feelings. I know that's hard in itself and especially if it starts a fight when you're already stuck with them during quarantine, but if gently cajoling, exhibiting positive habits, inviting them to join exercise etc isn't working, either your point isn't getting through or they get it loud and clear and are passive-aggressively declining to act on your hints.
posted by Flannery Culp at 10:37 AM on August 9, 2020 [6 favorites]


Or maybe it just isn’t their highest priority right now to be your preferred version of their hottest possible self? There’s a lot going on, and not everyone is coping. Maybe your best long term move is to back off & cut them some slack.
posted by rd45 at 10:42 AM on August 9, 2020 [108 favorites]


Look, you're allowed to feel how you feel, but if your relationship is predicated on your partner maintaining a specific weight forever, you may as well end things now. Physical attraction is part of a relationship but if it's the end all deal breaker, then you should just accept you're going to have short relationships. People get depressed, injured, busy etc. Weight and appearence change.
posted by WalkerWestridge at 10:43 AM on August 9, 2020 [103 favorites]


It's a really difficult time for everyone. Your partner is clearly going through something internal as well as coping with the external stuff -- drinking "a few too many every single day" isn't a healthy or normal coping mechanism, it's a slide towards a serious problem.

I appreciate that you're finding it tough to cope with these changes, but if you do love this person and want them to be OK, your focus needs to be on your partner's mental and emotional health, not the size of their waistline, which is why your "please no therapy" request is concerning me. Because your partner probably could use some therapy right now, or at least some regular support with their mental health.

If I were you, I would be sitting down with your partner to facilitate a gentle and kind discussion about how they're feeling, whether there's anything that they need in terms of support and what you can do as their loving partner to help them get through this time.
posted by fight or flight at 10:52 AM on August 9, 2020 [26 favorites]


That too. If your relationship is based mainly on physical attraction, well, maybe this is it. Assuming you have other things in common, it sounds like they're either on the page of 'I don't realize this is bothering you' or 'I see your "subtle" hints about my appearance and health and don't appreciate it', and having an open discussion would help.
posted by Flannery Culp at 10:52 AM on August 9, 2020 [2 favorites]


Oof. I've exhibited a lot of those habits during quarantine. How long have you been together? If its' not long it may be better to just end it. If this is a committed, long-term relationship, then you need to look at this as a love-and-mental-health issue vs. an attraction issue.

If you want to try to make this work, you need to stop cajoling them, full stop. I don't believe in partners expecting a certain level of physical fitness/attractiveness from each other for the long term, because hello aging, but I think it is important in most situations (or at least for me) to try to stay healthy/active over the long term. Over the long term. So that's including all the ups and downs, meaning it won't always meet some minumin standard. Life has valleys and peaks, and ooo are we in a valley as a society, which translates to many people being in a personal valley at the moment.

In the case of partner's slipping too far down, over the long term, I think it's ok to gently suggest physical activities and try to be more active/healthy together. Five months is not the long term, especially with the world as it is today and many of the things that we could normally lean on for help unavailable. And anyway, it's not working for you.

What are the things you love about your partner? Not physical - you can't love physical. What are the things about them as a person that makes you love them? Focus on those, and instead of trying to keep your attraction in place, try to help them through this in one piece. Cut them some slack, let them know you love them, let them know (if you can do this sincerely) you aren't judging them, and ask what they need from you. Attraction can wait, and attraction can come back.
posted by sillysally at 10:59 AM on August 9, 2020 [25 favorites]


Please do not say "it's not hot to me when you don't do anything and I can't help it" to them. They are in a crisis, as are you, as we all are, and it's an important time to be gentle and kind with one another. It's unkind to pin this on your partner in this manner, to their face that way. That could easily haunt them. I've had people say similar things to me and they aren't easy to forget, even long after the relationship ends.

The truth is that your partner can't fix what's wrong by losing weight or doing more things. The problem here has to do with some of your core beliefs about the purpose of dating another person. The kind of judgment that you're describing is usually not a good dynamic for a romantic relationship (or for any kind of intimate relationship), one where we want another person to perform/behave/think/eat/be in a certain way so we gently cajole them, lead by example, etc. That is something a parent may do with an older child, but it can often turn adult partnerships sour. The book How to be an Adult in Relationships could be a useful read for you as you consider how to move forward and what you want your relationship to look like.
posted by k8lin at 11:00 AM on August 9, 2020 [35 favorites]


Its entirely possible, btw, that your "gentle suggestions and leading by example" are part of the problem, actually making things worse by making your partner, who is in a difficult situation (we all are right now) feel bad/worse about themself. If I were in a relationship with someone who was doing what you are doing, I would sincerely prefer that they just move on.
posted by WalkerWestridge at 11:11 AM on August 9, 2020 [17 favorites]


I think maybe you're looking outward too much instead of inward -- You are essentially saying they are the reason you're lonely, guilty, and not attracted because they are fat or lazy or whatever. What part are you playing by pulling them into your unhappiness story?

What we strongly dislike in ourselves we often dislike in others. Try your best to live your life and be responsible for yourself. If they are inspired by your movement or productivity, so be it, but it should not be your intention. People operate on their own timelines. Nothing can be forced.

You can however change your circumstances (as in leaving the relationship) if you feel like it's not working and you have no emotional or physical connection. See how it plays out when you focus on you.
posted by loveandhappiness at 11:12 AM on August 9, 2020 [8 favorites]


(1) You are not entitled to always be attracted to your partner. Stop expecting to always be attracted to your partner.

(2) Your partner does not owe it to you to be attractive to you. Stop expecting them to be attractive to you.

(3) Your attraction to your partner is entirely your business. It's not their fault. (It's nobody's fault.) Stop expecting your partner to change in order to fix YOUR issue.

If you are not attracted to your partner, you're allowed to act on that lack of attraction. You can refuse to have sex with them, you can suggest a sex therapist or couples therapy to fix sexual dysfunction in the relationship, you can tell them that you aren't feeling attracted to them (in the sense of revealing something vulnerable about yourself, not finding fault with them), you can tell them your lack of attraction makes you worry for the relationship, you can leave the relationship. These are all kind and responsible ways to deal with your issue of losing attraction to your partner.

You're not allowed to tell them it's their fault you're not attracted to them, or say things like "it's not hot to me when you don't do anything and I can't help it" or subject your partner to being shamed or chivvied or coerced into activities or clothes or body shapes or whatever to make them more attractive to you. Your partner is not your property, not your sex toy, not yours to control. When you do these things, you carry the mantle of Total Jerk yourself.

The separate issue I see in your post is that your partner is depressed and apparently is developing a serious drinking problem and all you can think about is how UNATTRACTIVE that makes them? Holy shit.
posted by MiraK at 11:33 AM on August 9, 2020 [84 favorites]


There are several issues. Partner is not making healthy choices - no exercise, too much sugar, alcohol. Those things affect you - too much sugar in the house, partner who is probably low-energy, drunk behavior. You feel judge-y, don't like feeling judge-y, losing attraction to partner.

A ton of people I know, including me, hit a wall with the start of August. Gahhh, it's been going on so long, I hate it, anxiety and stress. See what you can do to identify your general Covid stress and anxiety. Partner is right there doing their own stressful stuff, and makes an excellent target. Read the Shamu article about simple ways to nudge a partner's behaviors. Practice love, kindness, compassion in recognition that you may be exhibiting difficult behaviors, and you and partner are having a tough time, as we all are.

Prioritize what you need most. Ask for help. Partner, this is all so stressful. There are some things that would really help me.
I like spending time with you outside the house. Would you go for a walk with me 3a few times a week?
I kind of miss hanging out with sober you; can we make time to spend together without alcohol?
Partner, do you need to assess your alcohol use?
The sugar is so unhealthy and irresistible; can we keep the sugary stuff in a container on a high shelf so I don't have to see it?


Maybe Partner would go for a walk to get a takeout drink and you could sit in a park and socialize. Maybe you could focus any meals you make on vegetables and whole grains. Hey Partner, I'm walking up to the place to the the thing, c'mon, join me works better than Should.
posted by theora55 at 11:44 AM on August 9, 2020 [8 favorites]


I notice that you frame your question as "my partner has picked up habits that turn me off and make them unattractive" rather than "my partner is not coping well with quarantine and doing things that indicate they are depressed and sad." I'm not saying your lack of attraction is wrong, or that you shouldn't address it, but seeing it as the central issue says a lot about the way you view them and your relationship.

I agree with the others that if this is not a long-term relationship and you do not have deep feelings for each other you should probably end things now for both your sakes. It will be painful in the short term but you will both be better off if you find someone who shares your values.

However, if you do love them and are committed to them, have a direct conversation about how both of you are coping and how those behaviours are affecting each of you and your relationship. Be willing to listen to their side of things and maybe even hear how they feel about things you're doing. It's fair to let each other know how you are helping or not helping each other, but framing things as though they have an obligation to keep themselves hot for you is unlikely to get the results you want.
posted by rpfields at 11:46 AM on August 9, 2020 [11 favorites]


One of the reasons I don't think you can gently nudge your partner, OP, is that you are motivated entirely by feelings of entitlement over your partner's body and behavior, not by concern for your partner's wellbeing. Gentle nudging is a great idea when your concerns are selfless, but not here. So, no, please don't pretend to be concerned for your partner's health, don't make faux-cheerful "suggestions" to exercise with them (which I guarantee they will see through, at least on some level if not explicitly), don't use relationship manuals and guidebooks to finesse your vocabulary to misguide your partner about your motivations.

You're not a bad person - your motivations are not evil just because they are selfish. You are allowed to be bothered by your lack of attraction and you're allowed to do your best to fix this problem. You're just not allowed to gaslight your partner or manipulate them into thinking your motivations are different than they are.
posted by MiraK at 11:57 AM on August 9, 2020 [20 favorites]


I agree with comments above but...

I'm studying positive design principles right now (well right now I'm distracted but...) and one of the things I'm learning this week is how to influence user behaviour towards happiness. There are lots of ways to do this, including, according to the slide in front of me:
-cultivating optimism
- practicing acts of kindness
- nurturing social relationships
- expressing gratitude
- avoiding over-thinking and social comparison
- savouring life's joys

I think rather than beating on your partner for the things they are not doing, you could be a positive force by being kind to them. When was the last time you were grateful for their positive qualities? Have you been savouring joys together? Focusing on everything they are NOT doing right (according to you) is a loop in your thinking. Focus on what they ARE doing right.
posted by warriorqueen at 12:00 PM on August 9, 2020 [37 favorites]


As someone who's been on your partner's end of this:

Being their hottest might not be a priority to them right now, and to some extent may not be entirely feasible. It's possible that if you cut them some slack and their priorities don't shift anytime soon, your lack of attraction to them will turn into outright contempt. I'm not sure it's possible to lose your attraction to someone and expect it to come back if they eventually go back to the way they were. You need to be able to recognize that possibility in yourself before your proceed.

"It's not hot to me when you don't do anything and I can't help it" isn't wrong, but you really need to be honest with yourself and your partner about what your motivations are. OTOH, you can't expect your partner (or yourself!) to always make ideal choices. What's at the root of your concerns about their coping mechanisms? Is it that:
(a) Any minor divergence from idea lifestyle choices results in them being less physically attractive to you, and/or
(b) You're inherently bothered by the implied lack of self-discipline involved in their not making ideal lifestyle choices, and/or
(c) You don't trust them to correct course on their own once they begin to pick up not-so-great coping mechanisms

Thinking of each of these individually:

(a) might be a good reason to end things, because that's going to be an unsustainable foundation in the long run, because life is going to happen at times.

(b) is complicated. In that case, ask yourself if you'd be happy with a day-drinking, sweets-eating partner who meets your physical ideal. If the answer is "probably", then yeah, breaking up wouldn't be a terrible idea, because there are people who treat their bodies poorly yet still remain conventionally attractive. If it turns out that your problem is really truly about their coping mechanisms, then that's something to look at. This is perhaps the trickiest motivation to work through, because you'll have to acknowledge whether you hold yourself to the same standard.

(c) is a circumstance where it makes sense for you to work with your partner. Everyone who's mentioned providing compassionate support is on target here. It's not about condoning your partner's letting themselves go, it's about recognizing that there's more at play here than them suddenly not caring about their attractiveness to you.
posted by blerghamot at 12:47 PM on August 9, 2020 [7 favorites]


Mod note: one comment removed - please give constructive feedback on the OPs challenge
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 1:24 PM on August 9, 2020 [1 favorite]


As someone who is in recovery with respect to drinking AND compulsive food behaviors: people in active addictions are driven to do what they do, but that doesn't mean they have no accountability for the consequences of their behavior. And the COVID situation isn't causing addictions for many: it's revealing the tendency to head in that direction.

I disagree wholeheartedly with the notion that you should somehow downplay or dismiss the desire to be physically attracted to your partner. And honestly I'm a little ticked off at some of the comments above. I know that for me physical attraction is a big part of the relationship package and if that makes me "shallow," so be it. And that doesn't mean they have to be physically perfect: you should see the last guy I was mad about!

I suspect that the disconnect is coming from a place that's deeper than that, though: active addicts simply can't be present for their partners on a lot of levels. That goes for compulsive food behaviors, which are a full-on addiction IME.

You may benefit from some exposure to Al-Anon. I'm not a member of that fellowship, but I'm sure they have some Zoom meetings available. And a lot of what's said in Al-Anon will apply to compulsive food behaviors too.

Best of luck.
posted by Sheydem-tants at 2:37 PM on August 9, 2020 [22 favorites]


OP, I am breaking from the pile on here to say I understand where you might be coming from. Watching a significant other not taking care of themselves, not even attempting to, feels like a lack of respect. If it is mental health, then take responsibility for getting help. If its addictive behaviors, then take responsibility for that also. For me it isn't about shame or feeling entitled to attractiveness so much as preferring everyone to take responsibility for themselves. If we aren't able to then we need to do something about that. I don't think it's wrong to be open that your partner's self neglect and indulgence is impacting your attractiveness. You can offer to help them if this is a mental health issue but your post makes it sound like they are just letting themselves go. I think that tiptoeing around the consequences of their indulgence would be enabling personally.
posted by crunchy potato at 3:13 PM on August 9, 2020 [14 favorites]


"I’ve tried gently cajoling, exhibiting positive habits, inviting them to join exercise etc but it’s not working."

But have you tried asking them any questions to try to understand what's going on?

If their behavior has changed significantly since we all got shut down, then you might start there.

"Honey, things seem different lately. What's going on for you?"
"Boy the pandemic is really getting to me, how are you feeling about things lately?"
"You seem less motivated these days, why is that?"
"This is a really difficult time for everyone, what can I do to support you?"

Instead of trying to get them to behave you want them to, try harder to understand why they are behaving the way they are, how they feel about that, and what they may want to do about it?
posted by brookeb at 5:38 PM on August 9, 2020 [6 favorites]


I guess I think it matters how long you've been together. If it's been less than 5 years, maybe you need to cut bait. Maybe you need to be less controlling. But I've been with my husband 20 years -- married 18 years tomorrow -- and we're both coping with quarantine in less-than-amazing ways, and he flat-out told me I needed to talk to my doctor about my anxiety levels because they were NOT GOOD and I am acting them out in SUCKY WAYS. And I've told him that drinking 4 Mountain Dews a day to deal with quarantine is not doing his health any favors, and, yeah, it's not sexy. But we've also been together 20 years and 3 children; he's seen my insides during C-sections. This is far from the most intense "wow this is not sexy" moment we've had.

Being our hottest selves for each other hasn't been top-of-mind for 15 years. But taking care of ourselves for each other, and for our children, is. And sometimes "this is not attractive to me" is a signal for "you are destroying your health this way, please stop," or "you are failing our family this way, please stop."

You can't control another person. But if you've been together a long time and you're committed, I do think it's fair to care about things and express them to your partner in loving ways. (And a loving way may be very straightforward, as my husband was with me about my anxiety levels NOT BEING OKAY for everyone who has to live with me.) Unfortunately, I'm not sure there's a way forward here except therapy, or else a very, very direct conversation that may go the way you want it to, but may also end in a break-up.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 6:20 PM on August 9, 2020 [19 favorites]


People are assuming you have one of two very different problems, which don't both have the same answer.

a) you are not attracted to them, and they are not very interested in sex right now so they are oblivious, and there's no easy and obvious motivator to use (people who are being harsh with you are assuming this one.)

or

b) you are not attracted to them, but they are expecting an attraction-based sex life to continue as usual, i.e. expecting you to perform for their pleasure and your own unpleasant displeasure.

if it's a), suck it up and wait it out. just be a good friendly roommate for a while. make your own habits, make them healthy if you want, and hope and trust that within a year your partner will be back to a regular lifestyle. Feel free to speak frankly if they're not showering or cleaning up the living space, but everything else is their own business in a crisis.

This isn't any kind of sacrifice the way it would be without quarantine, since if you broke up it's not like you could go out and get a new partner to sleep with right now. You aren't being deprived of anything you wouldn't be deprived of if you were single. just...wait it out. talk to them about other kinds of functioning, if other kinds are affected.

if it's b) and you don't feel comfortable or able to say No to what you do not want to do, seek support and counsel from friends and professionals and do not say Yes when you want to say No. how to explain the reason you are saying No is very delicate and fraught, but having to delay the explanation until you know how to give it kindly is not a reason to delay the No when you want to say it.

if by "fake it till you make it" you mean fuck someone you don't want to fuck right now because it's your job obligation and you must fulfill it unless you quit the "job" of being partners, that is horrible & please don't. duty sex is the only thing worse than pity sex, and I mean for you. if your relationship is such that you need an "excuse" and can't or don't know how to be truthful, blaming it on your depression rather than theirs is a risky but maybe worthwhile idea.
posted by queenofbithynia at 6:47 PM on August 9, 2020 [8 favorites]


I've been in your partner's situation, minus the pandemic. (And that's not to trivialize that aspect of it.) I was told that if I got any bigger, my wife wouldn't be attracted to me. I don't remember that directly turning on a light bulb for me, but I did lose 20 pounds soon after. I stopped drinking independently of that, and that certainly helped take/keep them off.

There are more and less tactful ways to broach the subject, obviously. I think a few other answers alluded to this, but for me the key would be sorting through which things are bothering you sufficiently to bring them up in discussion. If it's more about activity, and you could live with the sweets and drinking, look to hit a double instead of a home run. While I didn't care for the judgment of you in some of the answers, I do agree that your partner likely is dealing with a lot, so finding the sweet spot of what's bothering you that lets your partner feel like as few habits of theirs as possible are issues right now would seem to be the key.

If all of these habits are just about dealbreakers, it would seem unlikely they could curtail them all, or that the relationship is salvageable.

You have a right to not be attracted to your partner's body/qualities/politics/whatever. You have a right to end a relationship over physical appearance. But it does seem that your chief concern, at this point at least, is yourself and your feelings, and not your partner and theirs. I just hope that when you say 'I recognize that everyone is depressed. I am too,' you're treating those words with the seriousness they deserve. Depression has clinical standards. If your partner is in fact clinically depressed, and your concern for them lies chiefly in how their depressive actions affect your feelings for them, there might not be enough to the relationship to make it worth trying to salvage.
posted by troywestfield at 11:35 AM on August 10, 2020 [4 favorites]


« Older Bad at plants   |   Tax question: Moving from DC to MD, possibly.... Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.