Anyone know how to regain emotional wellness post-isolation?
August 6, 2020 6:53 PM Subscribe
I know a lot of people must be feeling this. . .
I'm a rather sensitive person who lives alone and is single but is normally fine with it. I'm usually really active with hobbies and sports and so in a normal week I would see all my friends and hobby-buddies at least 3 times. . I've had to work to maintain mental health my whole life (depression and anxiety run in my family plus a parent died suddenly when I was very young), but in the time before pandemic I was doing pretty good.
l feel like the 3-4 months of total social isolation changed my brain and I can't seem to get back on track emotionally. Even though my city is opening up and I've been able to see some friends and family, I sort of feel traumatized but what felt like months of solitary confinement. During the isolation I felt lots of intense emotions that seem to have permanently affected me, such as :
- Mortal terror (fear of dying - I've never felt that before)
- Fear of abandonment / dying alone in my apartment
- Realizing that my family doesn't care about me anymore now that I'm no longer a cute kid. ( My family members tend to be needy and self-absorbed and only contact me when they want something)
- Alienation from society / feeling of being a freak / rejected from society
- Realizing that actually no one on earth cares whether I live or die
I know these are pretty extreme and catastrophizing but at the time they felt very real. I've noticed weird emotional after effects these days, such as:
- Starting to have feelings for one of my close friends that I was never interested in before
- Suddenly being certain I want to get married and have kids (before I was just going with the flow)
- This is going to sound super weird but I bought a new dishwasher and swear to god I'm so happy to have it that at first I'm pretty sure I was sexually attracted to it and had an emotional attachment to it.
- Leaning heavily towards libertarianism / not giving a fuck about other people anymore / heavy cynicism towards authorities, rules, government etc (even though intellectually I'm a socialist.... emotionally I can't manage to give any fucks about anything)
- I've beeen drinking a lot and addicted to my phone.
I know what I've been through is not the same as the stress of parenting during a pandemic, working on the front lines and seeing people sick and dying while watching powerlessly, becoming ill myself, or watching loved ones get sick and die. But, I happen to be psychologically pretty fragile due to my genes and past experiences so these hard things affect me pretty badly. Does anyone feel the same or know how to figure out any ways to recover myself so that I don't become an emotional mess and alienate my friends?
I'm a rather sensitive person who lives alone and is single but is normally fine with it. I'm usually really active with hobbies and sports and so in a normal week I would see all my friends and hobby-buddies at least 3 times. . I've had to work to maintain mental health my whole life (depression and anxiety run in my family plus a parent died suddenly when I was very young), but in the time before pandemic I was doing pretty good.
l feel like the 3-4 months of total social isolation changed my brain and I can't seem to get back on track emotionally. Even though my city is opening up and I've been able to see some friends and family, I sort of feel traumatized but what felt like months of solitary confinement. During the isolation I felt lots of intense emotions that seem to have permanently affected me, such as :
- Mortal terror (fear of dying - I've never felt that before)
- Fear of abandonment / dying alone in my apartment
- Realizing that my family doesn't care about me anymore now that I'm no longer a cute kid. ( My family members tend to be needy and self-absorbed and only contact me when they want something)
- Alienation from society / feeling of being a freak / rejected from society
- Realizing that actually no one on earth cares whether I live or die
I know these are pretty extreme and catastrophizing but at the time they felt very real. I've noticed weird emotional after effects these days, such as:
- Starting to have feelings for one of my close friends that I was never interested in before
- Suddenly being certain I want to get married and have kids (before I was just going with the flow)
- This is going to sound super weird but I bought a new dishwasher and swear to god I'm so happy to have it that at first I'm pretty sure I was sexually attracted to it and had an emotional attachment to it.
- Leaning heavily towards libertarianism / not giving a fuck about other people anymore / heavy cynicism towards authorities, rules, government etc (even though intellectually I'm a socialist.... emotionally I can't manage to give any fucks about anything)
- I've beeen drinking a lot and addicted to my phone.
I know what I've been through is not the same as the stress of parenting during a pandemic, working on the front lines and seeing people sick and dying while watching powerlessly, becoming ill myself, or watching loved ones get sick and die. But, I happen to be psychologically pretty fragile due to my genes and past experiences so these hard things affect me pretty badly. Does anyone feel the same or know how to figure out any ways to recover myself so that I don't become an emotional mess and alienate my friends?
Yes, this is 100% a thing. A lot of people are nowhere near out of the woods yet (my family cannot go out or see anyone until there is a vaccine that works and we can get it), so a lot of people haven't even reached the Contemplation Stage in a conclusion sort of way like you might be at this point, but this is a global psychological large-scale earthquake.
Every single person in this world* that hasn't been even more preoccupied with survival (refugees, people in personal health/family crisis) or some other personal thing or cognitive inability to process/practical inability to access the news is profoundly traumatized right now. It will be decades before we even begin to understand the extent of the damage done to us as individuals, communities, and societies.
Stacks of books will be written about this, even after most of us are dead of old age.
Breathe. Sit with your feelings and thoughts, journal them, contemplate them as somewhat transient, let them go if they do not help you. This is a process, and most of us will need at minimum a couple of years before we actually know what we think about it all. General mental health best practice is to make no significant changes for a year after a Qualifying Life Event, and given the long long arm of this Event I'd put it at minimum two years after whatever point it's actually safe out in the world for the majority of people before anybody can depend on anybody/themselves making really solid decisions.
You don't need to rush any impulse you feel. Feelings aren't a mandate, they're just things you need to process.
There will be a profound shakeup, for a lot of people, but you do not have to hurry. Let things ripen. See how the world changes in the next few years.
*Every person going through this is Going Through It. Different people have different challenges, but if there was ever NOT a time for Suffering Olympics, this is it. We are all having a very bad time in different ways. You are affected, I am affected, we will both be different - and real talk: probably damaged in some ways - for the rest of our lives from this even though we're in different circumstances.
Be super kind to yourself, and patient. The only people who are going to bounce right back from this were born during it. Nobody even knows what normal will be yet; the new "normal", whatever that is, is probably 12-18 months away still.
If there are people you can safely process with - phone, text, chat, Zoom - I encourage you to do that on an ongoing basis. We've got a couple sets of friends in generally the same circumstances as us that we meet with online every other week or so, to hang out and vent and chat and say some of the hard stuff out loud. It helps.
posted by Lyn Never at 7:45 PM on August 6, 2020 [31 favorites]
Every single person in this world* that hasn't been even more preoccupied with survival (refugees, people in personal health/family crisis) or some other personal thing or cognitive inability to process/practical inability to access the news is profoundly traumatized right now. It will be decades before we even begin to understand the extent of the damage done to us as individuals, communities, and societies.
Stacks of books will be written about this, even after most of us are dead of old age.
Breathe. Sit with your feelings and thoughts, journal them, contemplate them as somewhat transient, let them go if they do not help you. This is a process, and most of us will need at minimum a couple of years before we actually know what we think about it all. General mental health best practice is to make no significant changes for a year after a Qualifying Life Event, and given the long long arm of this Event I'd put it at minimum two years after whatever point it's actually safe out in the world for the majority of people before anybody can depend on anybody/themselves making really solid decisions.
You don't need to rush any impulse you feel. Feelings aren't a mandate, they're just things you need to process.
There will be a profound shakeup, for a lot of people, but you do not have to hurry. Let things ripen. See how the world changes in the next few years.
*Every person going through this is Going Through It. Different people have different challenges, but if there was ever NOT a time for Suffering Olympics, this is it. We are all having a very bad time in different ways. You are affected, I am affected, we will both be different - and real talk: probably damaged in some ways - for the rest of our lives from this even though we're in different circumstances.
Be super kind to yourself, and patient. The only people who are going to bounce right back from this were born during it. Nobody even knows what normal will be yet; the new "normal", whatever that is, is probably 12-18 months away still.
If there are people you can safely process with - phone, text, chat, Zoom - I encourage you to do that on an ongoing basis. We've got a couple sets of friends in generally the same circumstances as us that we meet with online every other week or so, to hang out and vent and chat and say some of the hard stuff out loud. It helps.
posted by Lyn Never at 7:45 PM on August 6, 2020 [31 favorites]
There's so much, good, here. I don't know where to begin.
Perhaps: it's really good you were able to reach out, to articulate what you're going through. FWIW, it's extremely coherent, and sounds like it's coming from someone with sound mind and a good heart. I don't think you've lost it, yet. :-) What you did -- reaching out, writing, being honest and vulnerable , being authentic -- that will continue to serve you.
>> Does anyone feel the same
Millions upon millions of people do. You are definitely not alone in feeling such afraid and unsure. I am sorry you sometimes feel that way, and can sorely commiserate. I wonder if you might consider that these such feelings, could be the very thing that will feed the re-connection you're asking about.
>> so that I don't become an emotional mess and alienate my friends?
Going out on a limb here to suggest that at least half your friends are having at least some of the same struggles. And, I'll bet at least one of them would find it so relieving and helpful to hear that someone besides themselves is struggling and wondering, too.
I left a LTR 10 months ago. In February I started dating again. Was going well, then COVID. Hah, take THAT, optimism-trying-on Armoir! Since then I've been living mostly alone and not seeing friends very much. Was already feeling a lot of the same things are you described, then just this past weekend I moved into a new apartment, ended up finding myself even more isolated than before. "Fear of abandonment / dying alone in my apartment" ... big 10-4 on that. Today I went out to see the chiropractor and although I had a so-so time with the adjustment, DAMN was it good to get out and see real live humans. I was surprised at how much that lifted my spirits. Maybe you would find some good result from some other such mundane outing.
And the dishwasher? You would not be the first person to form an attachment to a major household appliance, amidst pandemic or otherwise. But in times like these.... whatever works, winterportage!! :-)
Be kind to yourself. I know, often times, it feels like that won't be not enough, and we want more. You are going through a lot. Judging and second-guessing yourself won't help nearly as much as showing acceptance and kindness.
For some reason this made me think of the poem The Guest House by Rumi.
posted by armoir from antproof case at 9:12 PM on August 6, 2020 [2 favorites]
Perhaps: it's really good you were able to reach out, to articulate what you're going through. FWIW, it's extremely coherent, and sounds like it's coming from someone with sound mind and a good heart. I don't think you've lost it, yet. :-) What you did -- reaching out, writing, being honest and vulnerable , being authentic -- that will continue to serve you.
>> Does anyone feel the same
Millions upon millions of people do. You are definitely not alone in feeling such afraid and unsure. I am sorry you sometimes feel that way, and can sorely commiserate. I wonder if you might consider that these such feelings, could be the very thing that will feed the re-connection you're asking about.
>> so that I don't become an emotional mess and alienate my friends?
Going out on a limb here to suggest that at least half your friends are having at least some of the same struggles. And, I'll bet at least one of them would find it so relieving and helpful to hear that someone besides themselves is struggling and wondering, too.
I left a LTR 10 months ago. In February I started dating again. Was going well, then COVID. Hah, take THAT, optimism-trying-on Armoir! Since then I've been living mostly alone and not seeing friends very much. Was already feeling a lot of the same things are you described, then just this past weekend I moved into a new apartment, ended up finding myself even more isolated than before. "Fear of abandonment / dying alone in my apartment" ... big 10-4 on that. Today I went out to see the chiropractor and although I had a so-so time with the adjustment, DAMN was it good to get out and see real live humans. I was surprised at how much that lifted my spirits. Maybe you would find some good result from some other such mundane outing.
And the dishwasher? You would not be the first person to form an attachment to a major household appliance, amidst pandemic or otherwise. But in times like these.... whatever works, winterportage!! :-)
Be kind to yourself. I know, often times, it feels like that won't be not enough, and we want more. You are going through a lot. Judging and second-guessing yourself won't help nearly as much as showing acceptance and kindness.
For some reason this made me think of the poem The Guest House by Rumi.
posted by armoir from antproof case at 9:12 PM on August 6, 2020 [2 favorites]
Does anyone feel the same or know how to figure out any ways to recover myself so that I don't become an emotional mess and alienate my friends?
Because I think a lot of people are feeling similarly traumatized by the impacts of the pandemic and isolation, I have been adding resources to the MeFi Wiki ThereIsHelp page, both in the phone and online support hotlines section and in the therapy section. I also alphabetized the sections by country to try to make the lists of resources more consistent and easier to navigate. These types of resources could be an option to help figure out ways to restore your emotional equilibrium without alienating your friends.
posted by katra at 9:20 PM on August 6, 2020 [9 favorites]
Because I think a lot of people are feeling similarly traumatized by the impacts of the pandemic and isolation, I have been adding resources to the MeFi Wiki ThereIsHelp page, both in the phone and online support hotlines section and in the therapy section. I also alphabetized the sections by country to try to make the lists of resources more consistent and easier to navigate. These types of resources could be an option to help figure out ways to restore your emotional equilibrium without alienating your friends.
posted by katra at 9:20 PM on August 6, 2020 [9 favorites]
I feel the exact same way, right down to formerly being very ambivalent to marriage and kids, and now really wanting that. Quarantining as a single person is so damn lonely! To add insult to injury, I accepted a new job on Long Island on March 4th and had to uproot my life and leave my hometown in Western NY in the middle of the end of the world. I was so excited about moving and starting my awesome new job for one week, and then everything shut down. I wasn't able to apartment hunt, so I ended up in a less than ideal rental. I used to go to the gym 4 or 5 days a week to lift weights, and now all I can do is go for walks and get dirty looks for not wearing a mask even though I'm outside, by myself, staying at least 6 feet away from people I pass. I am miserable.
After the first couple weeks in my new apartment, I realized I was sitting on the ungodly uncomfortable couch at least 15 hours a day, factoring in taking an evening walk and going to a drive-thru for lunch (I have been working my new job from home). I decided that day that I was not going to live in fear anymore. I take precautions like hand washing, wearing a mask inside stores and restaurants, frequent hand sanitizing, etc., but I get up an hour before I start work every day and go for a walk in the park by my apartment and get a coffee. I get takeout for lunch every day. Then at night, I take another walk. I leave my basement apartment at least 3 times a day. I'm lucky I make enough money to spend it on takeout all the time, and I know not everyone can throw money at their problems to make them go away. But that is what I have done to help keep me sane. I know some people might judge me for going out so often, but if I don't do that, I feel like I am just sitting alone in my apartment waiting to die. Having a routine has helped keep me grounded. I think we're going to feel the effects of this pandemic for a long time, and we just have to learn to live with it and mitigate the risks as best we can.
But boy, I sure wish Andrew Cuomo would come up with a plan to reopen gyms. I've had to cut down to one meal a day so I don't gain too much weight from not being able to work out at the same level I was before.
posted by DEiBnL13 at 9:22 PM on August 6, 2020 [1 favorite]
After the first couple weeks in my new apartment, I realized I was sitting on the ungodly uncomfortable couch at least 15 hours a day, factoring in taking an evening walk and going to a drive-thru for lunch (I have been working my new job from home). I decided that day that I was not going to live in fear anymore. I take precautions like hand washing, wearing a mask inside stores and restaurants, frequent hand sanitizing, etc., but I get up an hour before I start work every day and go for a walk in the park by my apartment and get a coffee. I get takeout for lunch every day. Then at night, I take another walk. I leave my basement apartment at least 3 times a day. I'm lucky I make enough money to spend it on takeout all the time, and I know not everyone can throw money at their problems to make them go away. But that is what I have done to help keep me sane. I know some people might judge me for going out so often, but if I don't do that, I feel like I am just sitting alone in my apartment waiting to die. Having a routine has helped keep me grounded. I think we're going to feel the effects of this pandemic for a long time, and we just have to learn to live with it and mitigate the risks as best we can.
But boy, I sure wish Andrew Cuomo would come up with a plan to reopen gyms. I've had to cut down to one meal a day so I don't gain too much weight from not being able to work out at the same level I was before.
posted by DEiBnL13 at 9:22 PM on August 6, 2020 [1 favorite]
Yeah, it's been tough. For me the lows come in the morning. I've found out that what one chooses to do has a big impact on emotional trajectories.
I used to switch on the news in the morning while having breakfast. This wasn't helping at all.
Instead I do some reading. Recently I've found "How to Wake Up" to be good for adjusting my mindset and feeling more grounded. It's based upon Buddhist principles but is not a religious book. It is about reclaiming peace of mind.
Other thing which really really helps is exercise, sleep and fresh-air. Make sure to get lots.
And I know it might be difficult but not having any alcohol in the house is going to be a good thing. Maybe when the pandemic is over, the alcohol can come back. But it really is one of the worst coping mechanisms.
posted by storybored at 9:25 PM on August 6, 2020 [4 favorites]
I used to switch on the news in the morning while having breakfast. This wasn't helping at all.
Instead I do some reading. Recently I've found "How to Wake Up" to be good for adjusting my mindset and feeling more grounded. It's based upon Buddhist principles but is not a religious book. It is about reclaiming peace of mind.
Other thing which really really helps is exercise, sleep and fresh-air. Make sure to get lots.
And I know it might be difficult but not having any alcohol in the house is going to be a good thing. Maybe when the pandemic is over, the alcohol can come back. But it really is one of the worst coping mechanisms.
posted by storybored at 9:25 PM on August 6, 2020 [4 favorites]
You are 100000% not alone in how you feel. I am a single person and in pre-Covid times, a big old extrovert who spent a lot of time out and about with people. It sounds like pre-Covid, your life and mine looked pretty similar.
Covid isolation gave me feelings of absolute mortal terror too. Loneliness, boredom, anger (such, such anger), alienation from friends and family, deep sorrow, and fear.
Over the past few months I have experienced all sorts of bizarre thoughts and feelings, (I will not describe them in case they trigger anyone reading this), to the extent that when I have a bizarre feeling now I just think, Oh that's just another manifestation of prolonged isolation, no point worrying too much about it, I'll probably have another completely different, equally bizarre feeling really soon.
All things considered, I am putting aside any notion of thriving or doing actively well in these times. My focus is on surviving.
So this is how I have been surviving:
- Going with whatever totally random new interest I get, usually from seeing people post about it on social media. I was never into gardening before, now I have a little 'garden' of container plants that I keep in my tiny, paved over little back yard. I spend some time with my plants everyday, research ways to take care of them, take pictures of them for social media etc. I am 100% emotionally attached to them now, not unlike you and your dishwasher, so don't worry about it. :)
- Spending time on the little rituals that make me feel ok. So I really enjoy my morning coffee. It is not almost a little meditation for me, putting it together and drinking it.
- Consuming very unchallenging, peaceful media. I've been rereading old Agatha Christies.
- Going easy on myself from a work point of view. I do what is required of me. But now is not the time to try to be star employee. (This is coming from someone with a relatively secure job, I realise I am very privileged in this aspect, YMMV.)
- Being kind to self when it comes to social contacts. This is something that doesn't come naturally to me. I am not good at drawing boundaries. But increasingly I am trying to create healthy social boundaries for myself. It's a bit of a work in progress. But I feel good when I get it right.
- I don't really give a fuck about anyone else anymore either.
It's been challenging, especially when friends have coped with Covid in very different ways from me; it's shown us where our philosophies have diverged, and really no 2 of my friends or family have responded to the pandemic in exactly the same way.
posted by unicorn chaser at 4:21 AM on August 7, 2020 [4 favorites]
Covid isolation gave me feelings of absolute mortal terror too. Loneliness, boredom, anger (such, such anger), alienation from friends and family, deep sorrow, and fear.
Over the past few months I have experienced all sorts of bizarre thoughts and feelings, (I will not describe them in case they trigger anyone reading this), to the extent that when I have a bizarre feeling now I just think, Oh that's just another manifestation of prolonged isolation, no point worrying too much about it, I'll probably have another completely different, equally bizarre feeling really soon.
All things considered, I am putting aside any notion of thriving or doing actively well in these times. My focus is on surviving.
So this is how I have been surviving:
- Going with whatever totally random new interest I get, usually from seeing people post about it on social media. I was never into gardening before, now I have a little 'garden' of container plants that I keep in my tiny, paved over little back yard. I spend some time with my plants everyday, research ways to take care of them, take pictures of them for social media etc. I am 100% emotionally attached to them now, not unlike you and your dishwasher, so don't worry about it. :)
- Spending time on the little rituals that make me feel ok. So I really enjoy my morning coffee. It is not almost a little meditation for me, putting it together and drinking it.
- Consuming very unchallenging, peaceful media. I've been rereading old Agatha Christies.
- Going easy on myself from a work point of view. I do what is required of me. But now is not the time to try to be star employee. (This is coming from someone with a relatively secure job, I realise I am very privileged in this aspect, YMMV.)
- Being kind to self when it comes to social contacts. This is something that doesn't come naturally to me. I am not good at drawing boundaries. But increasingly I am trying to create healthy social boundaries for myself. It's a bit of a work in progress. But I feel good when I get it right.
- I don't really give a fuck about anyone else anymore either.
It's been challenging, especially when friends have coped with Covid in very different ways from me; it's shown us where our philosophies have diverged, and really no 2 of my friends or family have responded to the pandemic in exactly the same way.
posted by unicorn chaser at 4:21 AM on August 7, 2020 [4 favorites]
You are not alone. Five months ago I was out of my apartment most nights of the week. Recently I've been lucky to have a few hours once a week for face to face socializing. Vermont has gone a long way to opening back up, but I feel like I am lagging.
Part of it is that my prior approach was very laissez-faire, going out to events, classes or other gatherings where I knew people would be without making specific individual plans ahead for that. So, now I am finding that I need to do much more outreach and specific invitations to do things with people. But part of it is that it feels like pushing others for my personal needs to make a lot of asks.
I don't have an answer, but I do have faith that all of us in this place together will find our way through it. And, I'm trying not to rush it. Months of trauma will not disappear overnight, but I believe next summer will be different and better.
posted by meinvt at 6:24 AM on August 7, 2020 [2 favorites]
Part of it is that my prior approach was very laissez-faire, going out to events, classes or other gatherings where I knew people would be without making specific individual plans ahead for that. So, now I am finding that I need to do much more outreach and specific invitations to do things with people. But part of it is that it feels like pushing others for my personal needs to make a lot of asks.
I don't have an answer, but I do have faith that all of us in this place together will find our way through it. And, I'm trying not to rush it. Months of trauma will not disappear overnight, but I believe next summer will be different and better.
posted by meinvt at 6:24 AM on August 7, 2020 [2 favorites]
We've all moved lower on Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. When your safety and survival are threatened, you don't address other values so much. When and as we are safer, we'll adjust back. Honestly, people have been kinder and more helpful where I am than I might have predicted.
Lockdown has been hard, in different ways, for everybody who's in it. We could really use some leadership on healing and recovering. The state of current US politics adds greatly to the stress. - Realizing that actually no one on earth cares whether I live or die You have friends and family to reconnect with; they care, really. I'm from a family with tons of dysfunction and mental illness, as well. I share some of your issues. It's especially difficult to go through this without a partner, a best friend, a very tight family member, and lots of us are doing just that. Give yourself a ton of credit for getting through months of isolation relatively well. It's a Very Big Achievement.
I realized I need a new big goal, and even though I don't have a really clear goal, have decided to pursue a goal that seems pretty good, because I need something to move towards. If you can make any kind of plans at all, it might help displace some of the sheer angst of this. The whole Learn to play an instrument, learn a language during lockdown has not worked for many people. But try to find some goal you can work towards for personal satisfaction.
I'm with DEiBnL13 on getting outside every day and getting some exercise. Outside with a mask is pretty safe, esp. during non-crowded times. Sunshine and exercise really help anxiety and depression. A therapist is a good idea. This won't be forever, surviving it is our job. hugs.
posted by theora55 at 6:38 AM on August 7, 2020 [3 favorites]
Lockdown has been hard, in different ways, for everybody who's in it. We could really use some leadership on healing and recovering. The state of current US politics adds greatly to the stress. - Realizing that actually no one on earth cares whether I live or die You have friends and family to reconnect with; they care, really. I'm from a family with tons of dysfunction and mental illness, as well. I share some of your issues. It's especially difficult to go through this without a partner, a best friend, a very tight family member, and lots of us are doing just that. Give yourself a ton of credit for getting through months of isolation relatively well. It's a Very Big Achievement.
I realized I need a new big goal, and even though I don't have a really clear goal, have decided to pursue a goal that seems pretty good, because I need something to move towards. If you can make any kind of plans at all, it might help displace some of the sheer angst of this. The whole Learn to play an instrument, learn a language during lockdown has not worked for many people. But try to find some goal you can work towards for personal satisfaction.
I'm with DEiBnL13 on getting outside every day and getting some exercise. Outside with a mask is pretty safe, esp. during non-crowded times. Sunshine and exercise really help anxiety and depression. A therapist is a good idea. This won't be forever, surviving it is our job. hugs.
posted by theora55 at 6:38 AM on August 7, 2020 [3 favorites]
Sunshine and exercise, yes. Outside in an uncrowded area is fine.
Be kind to yourself. Of course you bonded with that dishwasher. What's lovelier than taking chores off your plate, especially during a time of great loneliness? And of course you craved a family. I know so many people who were dedicated no-kidsers who turned on a dime when great trauma entered their life. That stuff is happening way down deep in your lizard brain.
You were afraid for your life. Rightly or wrongly, you were being told your life was in imminent danger. Of course that's going to bring you to a more primal place of need.
Some of it (deciding that you want a family?) may stay with you. Some of it (your alienation from political engagement, maybe?) will eventually recede. But don't worry about what feelings you have now, or try to decide which is good, bad, smart, forever... just remind yourself that for months you were being told you had to weigh the fundamental need of human contact against the danger of an imminent and painful death. That's going to take a toll. It took a toll on everyone, but the toll it took on people who live alone was, I think, uniquely cruel. (I am not doing suffering-comparisons here; obviously it was worse for folks whose loved ones died etc; I'm just saying, having to do these last months without any close human contact is a different sort of thing.)
Just get sunshine and exercise, give yourself patience and kindness, and a LOT less Internet. (We all got way too much of it during the lockdown and it's just terrible what the click economy is doing to people's mental health.)
It's going to be ok.
posted by fingersandtoes at 7:00 AM on August 7, 2020 [2 favorites]
Be kind to yourself. Of course you bonded with that dishwasher. What's lovelier than taking chores off your plate, especially during a time of great loneliness? And of course you craved a family. I know so many people who were dedicated no-kidsers who turned on a dime when great trauma entered their life. That stuff is happening way down deep in your lizard brain.
You were afraid for your life. Rightly or wrongly, you were being told your life was in imminent danger. Of course that's going to bring you to a more primal place of need.
Some of it (deciding that you want a family?) may stay with you. Some of it (your alienation from political engagement, maybe?) will eventually recede. But don't worry about what feelings you have now, or try to decide which is good, bad, smart, forever... just remind yourself that for months you were being told you had to weigh the fundamental need of human contact against the danger of an imminent and painful death. That's going to take a toll. It took a toll on everyone, but the toll it took on people who live alone was, I think, uniquely cruel. (I am not doing suffering-comparisons here; obviously it was worse for folks whose loved ones died etc; I'm just saying, having to do these last months without any close human contact is a different sort of thing.)
Just get sunshine and exercise, give yourself patience and kindness, and a LOT less Internet. (We all got way too much of it during the lockdown and it's just terrible what the click economy is doing to people's mental health.)
It's going to be ok.
posted by fingersandtoes at 7:00 AM on August 7, 2020 [2 favorites]
It's been pretty thoroughly covered that you're not alone in this feeling, which I hope is a relief to you. I also quarantined alone and have begun to venture out again under my city's guidelines. I'm grateful to be in the recovery stage, although I know that the situation can and will shift again.
Here are a few things I've found helpful in regaining my emotional equilibrium after isolation:
- Time with friends. You mention that you're socializing, which is great. Give this some time to sink in. Try to have some low-key, frivolous hangouts. I found that I was spending a lot of one-on-one time emotionally processing with close friends, and that's been intense. Make sure you're also spending time laughing and bullshitting too. This helps a lot.
- Time outdoors. I went to the beach a couple of weeks ago and felt so revived afterwards I wondered if I had become vitamin D deficient. Get some sun and fresh air if you can. Leave the city if you can. Camping, hiking, and swimming have been very restorative for me.
- Taking it easy. I have a high-achiever mentality and push myself a lot. When isolation ended I expected to bounce back quickly. But I have acknowledged that my internal resources have been depleted in this experience and it will take time to build them back up. In the meantime, I'm resting and not pushing myself to accomplish anything in particular right now. It might seem strange to rest after months of reduced activity during quarantine, but I'll remind you (as I've been reminding myself) quarantine was not a vacation.
- Political work. Pandemic has also radicalized me, although more towards the left. My therapist wisely pointed out that socialism is not something you're supposed to do by yourself. So I'm getting connected to activist groups in my area, many of which are extremely active right now. This has the dual benefit of providing incidental social interaction and supporting my evolving political passion. Giving my resources (time/energy/money) to a cause I care about actually helps me to feel more secure and gives me a sense of abundance. Isolation made me feel like I had to be very protective of these resources, but giving some away reminds me that I have a reserve of them to share.
- Grounding my body. Isolation was such a disconnecting experience. I'm doing what I can do re-ground myself in my body and the physical world. For me that looks like doing yoga and stretching, taking walks, mindfulness meditation, cold showers (this is a "one weird trick" sort of thing that really works!), and cooking/eating things that feel good to me. It will look different for you and your body but I think that kind of practice might be helpful.
- Seeking pleasure. Some of this is covered above, but right now I'm paying attention to anything that makes me feel even a little bit good/better and then doing that thing for as long or as much as I can. This doesn't mean over-indulging in vices, although if I'm having a great time with a bottle of wine I don't begrudge myself that. It means attending to the things that sooth, comfort, energize, or restore me in an authentic, noticeable way. This is where my attention is going, rather than towards pressuring myself to accomplish goals. Honestly, if your dishwasher gives you pleasure right now, I recommend you just roll with that.
- Therapy. This is such a standby suggestion and I'm sure it's not a new idea to you, but (remotely) maintaining my relationship with my therapist through all of this has definitely been an anchor for me, and helped me to not feel I'm overburdening my friends.
I hope this is helpful. Your post really resonated with me and the experience I've had through this as well. Please be kind and gentle with yourself.
posted by rabbitbookworm at 7:01 AM on August 7, 2020 [8 favorites]
Here are a few things I've found helpful in regaining my emotional equilibrium after isolation:
- Time with friends. You mention that you're socializing, which is great. Give this some time to sink in. Try to have some low-key, frivolous hangouts. I found that I was spending a lot of one-on-one time emotionally processing with close friends, and that's been intense. Make sure you're also spending time laughing and bullshitting too. This helps a lot.
- Time outdoors. I went to the beach a couple of weeks ago and felt so revived afterwards I wondered if I had become vitamin D deficient. Get some sun and fresh air if you can. Leave the city if you can. Camping, hiking, and swimming have been very restorative for me.
- Taking it easy. I have a high-achiever mentality and push myself a lot. When isolation ended I expected to bounce back quickly. But I have acknowledged that my internal resources have been depleted in this experience and it will take time to build them back up. In the meantime, I'm resting and not pushing myself to accomplish anything in particular right now. It might seem strange to rest after months of reduced activity during quarantine, but I'll remind you (as I've been reminding myself) quarantine was not a vacation.
- Political work. Pandemic has also radicalized me, although more towards the left. My therapist wisely pointed out that socialism is not something you're supposed to do by yourself. So I'm getting connected to activist groups in my area, many of which are extremely active right now. This has the dual benefit of providing incidental social interaction and supporting my evolving political passion. Giving my resources (time/energy/money) to a cause I care about actually helps me to feel more secure and gives me a sense of abundance. Isolation made me feel like I had to be very protective of these resources, but giving some away reminds me that I have a reserve of them to share.
- Grounding my body. Isolation was such a disconnecting experience. I'm doing what I can do re-ground myself in my body and the physical world. For me that looks like doing yoga and stretching, taking walks, mindfulness meditation, cold showers (this is a "one weird trick" sort of thing that really works!), and cooking/eating things that feel good to me. It will look different for you and your body but I think that kind of practice might be helpful.
- Seeking pleasure. Some of this is covered above, but right now I'm paying attention to anything that makes me feel even a little bit good/better and then doing that thing for as long or as much as I can. This doesn't mean over-indulging in vices, although if I'm having a great time with a bottle of wine I don't begrudge myself that. It means attending to the things that sooth, comfort, energize, or restore me in an authentic, noticeable way. This is where my attention is going, rather than towards pressuring myself to accomplish goals. Honestly, if your dishwasher gives you pleasure right now, I recommend you just roll with that.
- Therapy. This is such a standby suggestion and I'm sure it's not a new idea to you, but (remotely) maintaining my relationship with my therapist through all of this has definitely been an anchor for me, and helped me to not feel I'm overburdening my friends.
I hope this is helpful. Your post really resonated with me and the experience I've had through this as well. Please be kind and gentle with yourself.
posted by rabbitbookworm at 7:01 AM on August 7, 2020 [8 favorites]
Things that have helped me that I haven't seen mentioned yet:
* Cats. They love me. They also gently help me enforce a routine on my days (because they are routinized, scheduled little buggers, they really are). Petting them gives me pleasant tactile feedback that eases the living-alone blahs, and playing with them makes me laugh.
* Online friend groups. I'm a bit odd in that online friendship has been my main friendship mode for... most of my life?... but it's especially grounding and important now. The folks I hang out with mostly aren't the Zoom type, so it doesn't have to be exactly that kind of interaction if you don't want it to or if it's too overwhelming (as honestly it is for me).
* Gardening, of the "plant something that will live after you" variety. I'm not a great gardener nor an indefatigable one, but I planted a hazelnut a year ago spring that's flourishing, and watching it grow gives me a sense of pride and lets me look forward to something. Daydreaming/planning additional plantings is a pleasant use of mental cycles.
MeMail me, if you like. We can look in on one another or something maybe?
posted by humbug at 12:32 PM on August 7, 2020 [3 favorites]
* Cats. They love me. They also gently help me enforce a routine on my days (because they are routinized, scheduled little buggers, they really are). Petting them gives me pleasant tactile feedback that eases the living-alone blahs, and playing with them makes me laugh.
* Online friend groups. I'm a bit odd in that online friendship has been my main friendship mode for... most of my life?... but it's especially grounding and important now. The folks I hang out with mostly aren't the Zoom type, so it doesn't have to be exactly that kind of interaction if you don't want it to or if it's too overwhelming (as honestly it is for me).
* Gardening, of the "plant something that will live after you" variety. I'm not a great gardener nor an indefatigable one, but I planted a hazelnut a year ago spring that's flourishing, and watching it grow gives me a sense of pride and lets me look forward to something. Daydreaming/planning additional plantings is a pleasant use of mental cycles.
MeMail me, if you like. We can look in on one another or something maybe?
posted by humbug at 12:32 PM on August 7, 2020 [3 favorites]
I bought a new dishwasher and swear to god I'm so happy to have it that at first I'm pretty sure I was sexually attracted to it and had an emotional attachment to it
As someone who just went from a lifetime of crappy apartment grade dishwashers (or no dishwasher) to a new entry level Bosch unit that is still basically magic, this makes perfect sense.
posted by Vervain at 6:54 AM on August 8, 2020 [1 favorite]
As someone who just went from a lifetime of crappy apartment grade dishwashers (or no dishwasher) to a new entry level Bosch unit that is still basically magic, this makes perfect sense.
posted by Vervain at 6:54 AM on August 8, 2020 [1 favorite]
« Older I am about to have no free time for the next 2-3... | Can you help me identify this mysterious logo? Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by natabat at 7:33 PM on August 6, 2020 [24 favorites]