Parenting - social issues
August 2, 2020 7:05 AM Subscribe
Where can I learn more about how to parent kids through social situations (ie fights with friends, bullying or being bullied, etc)?
For some reason it feels like there's plenty to read/listen to about parenting kids in the parent-kid relationship or in the sibling-sibling relationship.
But what about friend interactions? I never know when to intervene vs stay out of it, how to intervene, etc. How to help a kid stand up for themselves, how to help a kid set boundaries, how to help a kid behave with compassion... Or just more modestly, knowing when it's a problem to stay quiet and when it's a problem to step in...
I'm aware there's no one true gospel for this stuff, but I would feel a lot more confident if I had some direction/pre existing scripts about how parenting this kind of thing is supposed to look.
(for ages 3-18)
For some reason it feels like there's plenty to read/listen to about parenting kids in the parent-kid relationship or in the sibling-sibling relationship.
But what about friend interactions? I never know when to intervene vs stay out of it, how to intervene, etc. How to help a kid stand up for themselves, how to help a kid set boundaries, how to help a kid behave with compassion... Or just more modestly, knowing when it's a problem to stay quiet and when it's a problem to step in...
I'm aware there's no one true gospel for this stuff, but I would feel a lot more confident if I had some direction/pre existing scripts about how parenting this kind of thing is supposed to look.
(for ages 3-18)
There are a few good books on the topics but they don’t relate that much to 3 year olds...for that age up to 6 or so you probably just want to look at child development. The DREADFULLY VINTAGE but still weirdly relevant if you can ignore the dated parent role parts for those ages are the Louise Bates Ames books. Even the titles are informative.
For older social stuff the two Rosalind Wiseman books are good except really gender prescriptive/divided. For bullying although Barbara Coloroso has a few problematic bits, her book on bullying is prettt good.
As a general rule I have to say that for us social stuff is really mostly about 4 basics.
One is child development. A 7 year old is probably going to lie (fib) to their friends and about their friends because they go through a lying period.
Two is values...once you take child development into consideration, most of our social discussions have been around behaving in line with our values...if we say we’re going to show at a friend’s party, we generally should, we should treat people with respect, etc. I’ve insisted on kindness as a value and although my kids, like all kids, fall down on the job I’ve been glad to have that lens through which to discuss things.
Three is listening. My eldest had a friend whose behaviour was that you’re in/you’re out bullying thing. It didn’t bother my son that much...until it did. He needed me on his side to listen and make statements and reflect back conversations from the week before...but he ultimately found his own solution with a 3rd boy that was great.
Four is harder in the age of Covid but the one thing socially I’ve been able to control as a parent is to get my kids into activities and create family/“mom friends” groups outside of school...so that for my kids, all their social eggs are not in one basket. They’ve always had friends to connect with in different contexts. That’s been huge.
posted by warriorqueen at 12:34 PM on August 2, 2020 [1 favorite]
For older social stuff the two Rosalind Wiseman books are good except really gender prescriptive/divided. For bullying although Barbara Coloroso has a few problematic bits, her book on bullying is prettt good.
As a general rule I have to say that for us social stuff is really mostly about 4 basics.
One is child development. A 7 year old is probably going to lie (fib) to their friends and about their friends because they go through a lying period.
Two is values...once you take child development into consideration, most of our social discussions have been around behaving in line with our values...if we say we’re going to show at a friend’s party, we generally should, we should treat people with respect, etc. I’ve insisted on kindness as a value and although my kids, like all kids, fall down on the job I’ve been glad to have that lens through which to discuss things.
Three is listening. My eldest had a friend whose behaviour was that you’re in/you’re out bullying thing. It didn’t bother my son that much...until it did. He needed me on his side to listen and make statements and reflect back conversations from the week before...but he ultimately found his own solution with a 3rd boy that was great.
Four is harder in the age of Covid but the one thing socially I’ve been able to control as a parent is to get my kids into activities and create family/“mom friends” groups outside of school...so that for my kids, all their social eggs are not in one basket. They’ve always had friends to connect with in different contexts. That’s been huge.
posted by warriorqueen at 12:34 PM on August 2, 2020 [1 favorite]
I haven't read it but I've seen recommendations for Queen Bees & Wannabees which is about girl friendships and other social situations.
posted by fingersandtoes at 1:21 PM on August 2, 2020
posted by fingersandtoes at 1:21 PM on August 2, 2020
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posted by melissa at 11:48 AM on August 2, 2020