Getting over feelings of humiliation and self-blame
August 1, 2020 8:40 PM Subscribe
I feel extreme embarrassment and anxiety after some fairly harmless oversharing. There's the context of trauma though. Help me recover from this.
It's been a year since I went through an pretty traumatic breakup with someone with some narcissistic tendencies (read: lying, gaslighting, unkindness, confusion). I was re-traumatized several times in the immediate aftermath when I indiscriminately shared the story and felt misunderstood
In general I've become more discerning, but for some reason I feel periodically compelled to write fairly vulnerable accounts of what I'm going through to a woman who has been empathetic, but is someone I don't know well enough to be sharing all this with, who does not reciprocate the sharing, and who knows my ex better than she knows me.
I recently wrote her, she wrote back and it was kind of tied up nicely, but then a week later I ended up writing her another longish message over-explaining why I write to her, sharing even more, and thanking her profusely for listening to me. It's been a few days now, she didn't write back, and I've been feeling humiliated and preoccupied with this to the extent of being paralysed and barely functioning for parts of my day.
I guess my fears are that she thinks of me as being immature, long-winded and insecure, all part of the negative self-image I had after being in this relationship (my ex called me immature for not being okay with his lying...!). But she's just one person, and guess the reason this is affecting me so much is because I'm beating myself up for oversharing with the wrong person.
I'm not looking for advice on how to stop sharing because that has been my focus since this humiliation. I'm looking for advice on how to let go of this, forgive myself, and stop being preoccupied and overwhelmed with anxiety.
It's been a year since I went through an pretty traumatic breakup with someone with some narcissistic tendencies (read: lying, gaslighting, unkindness, confusion). I was re-traumatized several times in the immediate aftermath when I indiscriminately shared the story and felt misunderstood
In general I've become more discerning, but for some reason I feel periodically compelled to write fairly vulnerable accounts of what I'm going through to a woman who has been empathetic, but is someone I don't know well enough to be sharing all this with, who does not reciprocate the sharing, and who knows my ex better than she knows me.
I recently wrote her, she wrote back and it was kind of tied up nicely, but then a week later I ended up writing her another longish message over-explaining why I write to her, sharing even more, and thanking her profusely for listening to me. It's been a few days now, she didn't write back, and I've been feeling humiliated and preoccupied with this to the extent of being paralysed and barely functioning for parts of my day.
I guess my fears are that she thinks of me as being immature, long-winded and insecure, all part of the negative self-image I had after being in this relationship (my ex called me immature for not being okay with his lying...!). But she's just one person, and guess the reason this is affecting me so much is because I'm beating myself up for oversharing with the wrong person.
I'm not looking for advice on how to stop sharing because that has been my focus since this humiliation. I'm looking for advice on how to let go of this, forgive myself, and stop being preoccupied and overwhelmed with anxiety.
I do this as well and listening to guided meditation/affirmations on self-compassion has really helped me. There are a bunch of them out there but I really like this one from Health Journeys.
posted by rpfields at 9:06 PM on August 1, 2020 [3 favorites]
posted by rpfields at 9:06 PM on August 1, 2020 [3 favorites]
In my experience there are two steps to memories I’m embarrassed about:
1. Remember the thing
2. Rushing to judge myself as a horribly inept person who has done a horribly inept thing.
I’ve had good success consciously replacing the second step with something healthier. If I am remembering being awkward with someone, for example, when the memory came up I would simply say “Yes, that was a bit embarrassing. That happens." I often inject some humor into it as well, but the main point is to derail step two.
I have 45+ years of anxious memories kicking around, so I could easily spend the rest of my days reliving old embarrassments. This technique has helped a lot.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 9:24 PM on August 1, 2020 [5 favorites]
1. Remember the thing
2. Rushing to judge myself as a horribly inept person who has done a horribly inept thing.
I’ve had good success consciously replacing the second step with something healthier. If I am remembering being awkward with someone, for example, when the memory came up I would simply say “Yes, that was a bit embarrassing. That happens." I often inject some humor into it as well, but the main point is to derail step two.
I have 45+ years of anxious memories kicking around, so I could easily spend the rest of my days reliving old embarrassments. This technique has helped a lot.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 9:24 PM on August 1, 2020 [5 favorites]
Best answer: I literally learned to forgive myself for mistakes like this by saying, "I forgive myself, and I accept the forgiveness of others." I decided to assume that other people, who were not paying obsessive attention to everything I was doing all the time, were either not noticing the embarrassing thing; not remembering it; or giving it so little weight that it amounted to forgiveness. I just repeated it to myself 5 or 6 times every time the memory, and the following hot rush of shame, came back to me.
I also try to remember a person I was talking to many years ago, telling her about a mistake I had made that felt overwhelming and humiliating to me. She observed that I was really letting it get to me. I said something like, "Why, what do you do when you screw up?" She said, "I say to myself, I fucked up. I think I won't do that thing again." She was so matter-of-fact that it was like seeing into a completely different kind of brain than mine. it has stayed with me for decades at this point, because remembering that there are people who just don't let this shit get to them helps me be that kind of person, too, a little bit.
posted by Orlop at 9:30 PM on August 1, 2020 [15 favorites]
I also try to remember a person I was talking to many years ago, telling her about a mistake I had made that felt overwhelming and humiliating to me. She observed that I was really letting it get to me. I said something like, "Why, what do you do when you screw up?" She said, "I say to myself, I fucked up. I think I won't do that thing again." She was so matter-of-fact that it was like seeing into a completely different kind of brain than mine. it has stayed with me for decades at this point, because remembering that there are people who just don't let this shit get to them helps me be that kind of person, too, a little bit.
posted by Orlop at 9:30 PM on August 1, 2020 [15 favorites]
Seeing a therapist could help with this. But self-help resources can help also. For right now, here is a link about self-compassion. It gives broad strokes on thinking more kind thoughts, including a few exercises.
For a deeper dive, I also recommend the book Self-Compassion by Kristin Neff.
posted by pdxhiker at 9:40 PM on August 1, 2020 [1 favorite]
For a deeper dive, I also recommend the book Self-Compassion by Kristin Neff.
posted by pdxhiker at 9:40 PM on August 1, 2020 [1 favorite]
Best answer: There's something particularly difficult about continuing relationships with people who were close to someone who gaslit you, in part because it can force you to wonder: Do those people still believe the things my abuser said about me? Do they think I am the horrible person who was described to them? This kind of excessive self-disclosure makes sense in this context, because if you value this person and want to maintain a relationship with them, it feels important to defend yourself, so that you can establish that relationship on more accurate terms.
That doesn't mean you should keep writing to her, but it does mean that it makes sense that she's the person you wrote to. One challenge inherent in getting out of a situation like this is rebuilding your own belief in yourself, but it is also important to find ways to reckon with your own fear of what other people believe about you, and now you're doing that from several directions with this one woman. The way you've been doing it is, admittedly, probably not the best way. But that's okay! Here's the thing: if she's worth your friendship, she will respond to your letters with empathy and understanding, even if she doesn't actually respond in the literal sense of writing back. The next challenge for you is to believe that a person can respond to your accounts of your trauma with compassion and respect, even if they are not actively affirming those feelings in the moment.
posted by dizziest at 8:02 AM on August 2, 2020 [2 favorites]
That doesn't mean you should keep writing to her, but it does mean that it makes sense that she's the person you wrote to. One challenge inherent in getting out of a situation like this is rebuilding your own belief in yourself, but it is also important to find ways to reckon with your own fear of what other people believe about you, and now you're doing that from several directions with this one woman. The way you've been doing it is, admittedly, probably not the best way. But that's okay! Here's the thing: if she's worth your friendship, she will respond to your letters with empathy and understanding, even if she doesn't actually respond in the literal sense of writing back. The next challenge for you is to believe that a person can respond to your accounts of your trauma with compassion and respect, even if they are not actively affirming those feelings in the moment.
posted by dizziest at 8:02 AM on August 2, 2020 [2 favorites]
First, I’m sorry that you are feeling so uncomfortable and ashamed about this. That’s so hard and especially difficult given our current global situation and its limitations make connecting with caring old friends harder and meeting new kind people almost impossible.
Second, I would wish for you to be as kind and gentle to yourself as you are patient and loving towards her. We all “overshare” at some point or at least feel overexposed. In good relationships, friendship or romantic or otherwise, the others can process it well and with kindness, make us feel accepted despite our flaws and set boundaries as needed without being a jerk. Your ex is a jerk so this is beyond her, either because she’s lazy or cruel or maybe both. You keep going back to her hoping she’ll be a kinder and compassionate person but she isn’t and likely will never be, at least not around you. This has nothing to do with your supposed flaws or limitations but rather her lack of empathy and/or the two of you being a bad match. I understand still wanting the validation and going back trying to make things better, as friends if not as partners. It’s so heartbreaking and illogical on paper but also pretty makes sense according to human behavior. And oh gosh, I’ve been there, so recently even!
Third, a few things to consider: sometimes we actually “overshare” as a way to keep distance. Maybe its your heart trying to get closer but your head saying “give her space because it’s what *you* truly need.” Getting over a relationship, especially one that was abusive or just problematic with lots of yuck, is so hard and can take a really long time. It’s ok if you need more time or even try again even if there’s still so much frustration. But please be gentle with yourself and remember that the world is full of people, and there are many who will love and respect you as a friend or partner *exactly as who you are right now* because you’re a lovely human being. Lots of love to you!
posted by smorgasbord at 2:57 PM on August 2, 2020
Second, I would wish for you to be as kind and gentle to yourself as you are patient and loving towards her. We all “overshare” at some point or at least feel overexposed. In good relationships, friendship or romantic or otherwise, the others can process it well and with kindness, make us feel accepted despite our flaws and set boundaries as needed without being a jerk. Your ex is a jerk so this is beyond her, either because she’s lazy or cruel or maybe both. You keep going back to her hoping she’ll be a kinder and compassionate person but she isn’t and likely will never be, at least not around you. This has nothing to do with your supposed flaws or limitations but rather her lack of empathy and/or the two of you being a bad match. I understand still wanting the validation and going back trying to make things better, as friends if not as partners. It’s so heartbreaking and illogical on paper but also pretty makes sense according to human behavior. And oh gosh, I’ve been there, so recently even!
Third, a few things to consider: sometimes we actually “overshare” as a way to keep distance. Maybe its your heart trying to get closer but your head saying “give her space because it’s what *you* truly need.” Getting over a relationship, especially one that was abusive or just problematic with lots of yuck, is so hard and can take a really long time. It’s ok if you need more time or even try again even if there’s still so much frustration. But please be gentle with yourself and remember that the world is full of people, and there are many who will love and respect you as a friend or partner *exactly as who you are right now* because you’re a lovely human being. Lots of love to you!
posted by smorgasbord at 2:57 PM on August 2, 2020
Response by poster: Thank you all so much for your replies. Each one was helpful, and it makes me realise how being open to receive the compassion of others can play such an important part in self-compassion. I'm also grateful for the mention of our current global situation. It's true that not being able to meet new people makes recovery significantly more difficult, and I realise I have not acknowledged this enough to extend compassion to myself!
posted by miaow at 5:01 PM on August 2, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by miaow at 5:01 PM on August 2, 2020 [1 favorite]
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posted by Wobbuffet at 8:54 PM on August 1, 2020 [5 favorites]