Creating a Ritual for Solo Insemination

July 23, 2020 9:27 PM

I am partnered, and scheduled for IUI with donor sperm next week. My partner can’t attend the clinic with me because of COVID. Snowflakes inside.

Conception has a lot of spiritual gravity for me. I’m Anglican (Episcopalian to Americans) but fairly ecumenical in my orientation to spirituality, and not particularly wanting any ritual I create to have religious content, although it could. I just want to mark the event spiritually in a way that will feel significant. I know IUI may take several tries, so this would be something I’d do before or after every insemination.

I am looking for something I could do solo or with a partner. I’m not sure if my partner would want to participate, it would probably depend on what I was asking.

As a pragmatic consideration: I’ll probably have to go back to work an hour after the insemination. I’m ok with something that I do the night before or in the evening after.

I’m worried about the insemination feeling unspecial or not spiritual because we can’t conceive like hereto couples (by having sex) and my partner doesn’t think conception is spiritually significant at all.

I’m pro-choice, and I don’t think it’s a “baby” at the moment of conception, if that matters. I’m more looking to set an intention through some kind of symbolic action and/or prayer.

posted by unstrungharp to Grab Bag (9 answers total)

I think of it as bringing a soul to earth.

If that rings true to you at all, you could focus on (visualize? Write out?) calling out to the soul that's coming to you.
posted by fingersandtoes at 9:30 PM on July 23, 2020 [1 favorite]

Have your partner help you choose (and/or make?) something special to wear so they can symbolically be with you.
posted by Night_owl at 9:33 PM on July 23, 2020 [1 favorite]

I think of it as welcoming the possibility of love.

Maybe find one or two love poems to read, poems about the love of a person for someone they nurture, or the varieties of love that exist in the world, or love that is so great it seeks more love.
posted by amtho at 9:45 PM on July 23, 2020 [4 favorites]

I'm assuming you want some guidance on creating a ritual like this, more than ideas for what to do. This is very personal and should be guided by what feels significant and important to you! In general, some things to think about:

- Verbal component: a mantra? An invocation? Part of your goal here is understanding your goals, fears, and desires and for all of those it really helps to put words to them and speak them aloud. This can be silent and private if you don't think your partner would want to be included, but I think expressing to each other why you're doing this could be really lovely. Fertility stuff can be a real grind and it's easy to lose sight of the why in the what next.
- Physical component: Are there textures, smells, colors, objects that you associate with meaningful connection or with becoming a family—or just with being comfortable and ready for change? You're working against your environment here since you'll be at a clinic, so you have limited access to your stuff and probably can't, say, light a candle. But think about bringing a talisman of some kind, at minimum, and maybe dressing very intentionally in terms of colors and textures. (Or, as you note, come up with a ritual to do at home before or after.)
- Story arc. It helps to give your ritual a beginning, middle, and end, so you know when you're stepping in and stepping out. People forget the end, mostly! What's a meaningful way for you to transition from this circumscribed space of conception back into your regular life?

Mazel tov!
posted by babelfish at 9:46 PM on July 23, 2020 [4 favorites]

I did this!! I did three rounds of IUI before getting pregnant; my partner was there for rounds 1 and 2 and on round 3 I went alone - and as luck had it, that happened to be the try that worked. But each time I used the same ritual, because it was a very private ritual and I didn't need my partner to help. I am Jewish, but you can adapt as desired:

I used some of the lines outlined in this source sheet from Ritualwell ("Prayers for Artificial Insemination") at the very moment of insemination. I used them like a mantra during the procedure.

Specifically:

And God said: Let the waters swarm with all sorts of swarming things, that beat with the pulse of life. And God blessed them and said: Be fertile and grow and fill the waters with life. (Gen. 1:20, 22).

I memorized them ahead of time but you could read - all you're doing is staring at the ceiling anyways. I told the doctor I needed to concentrate and would not talk and then I said it in my mind and visualized the, um, swarming things. IUI doesn't take very long so I think I said it maybe three times. Then as she finished up I said a short bracha in Hebrew that was appropriate to the occasion. You could come up with your own closing prayer.

And then I got dressed, took a walk to the bus stop, stopped to look at the flowers en route, and went to work.

What I liked about this ritual was that it was short, required no setup or props, I could do it privately, and it gave a certain sense of gravitas (or kavod) to something that could easily feel like nothing more than a 15-minute quick outpatient appointment. It also kept me focused and relaxed, which is good, because tensing up isn't helpful when there's a speculum involved. You could use your own phrases, or add in maybe a piece of ribbon to hold on to for symbolism, but I highly recommend this little ritual. It helped a lot.

Good luck! It's definitely a process.
posted by Seven Windows at 6:56 AM on July 24, 2020 [5 favorites]

I didn't do IUI, but when I was trying to get pregnant I did a ritual in which I visualized something meaningful and loving I would do with my child one day. In my case, this involved preparing a specific food. I imagined the scene in great detail with smells and felt all the love I would be pouring into the preparation. It doesn't have to be a food, it could be something like standing in your favorite spot in the forest together while the sun streams through the leaves. I have a child now and when we do that thing it is extra special :)
posted by beyond_pink at 10:10 AM on July 24, 2020

One thing that came to mind was Psalm 139, specifically verses 13-16:
“13 For it was you who formed my inward parts;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;
that I know very well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes beheld my unformed substance.
In your book were written
all the days that were formed for me,
when none of them as yet existed.”

You could write/print it on some card stock to carry with you and read it before/after in the clinic. You could also memorize it and say it during the actual procedure, like Seven Windows mentioned above, or or just hold the card and read it then - I can’t imagine your doctor would care what you’re doing with your arms/eyes then.

Good luck!
posted by bananacabana at 10:30 AM on July 24, 2020

I like rituals to have clear opening and closing elements, and my personal favourite for that is lighting and extinguishing a candle. In between you could read a poem or sit in silence. I've also used music that evokes a specific sentiment.
posted by plonkee at 11:26 AM on July 24, 2020

Maybe you can have a set of stones (or other special symbol) for you to hold and your partner can hold one simultaneously? Maybe also while saying a mantra or poem or song to yourself, and your partner can say/sing it too? You could text your partner before the insemination begins so you’ll be in sync?

Good luck to you.
posted by stillmoving at 1:45 PM on July 24, 2020