Boundaries vs. being a good friend
July 23, 2020 5:37 AM Subscribe
I have a lot of friends who need emotional support. Part of me thinks, this is what you sign up to when you become somebody's friend; and part of me thinks I should be looking to myself and my own emotional well-being more. How do you make the call as to which is more important? If you do decide you can't be there for someone, how do you tell them that?
We've all got our own stuff going on and I'm right now dealing with cabin fever, work pressure (bad boss), an active job hunt (preparing for interviews, dealing with rejections etc), missing my family etc. My friends are also dealing with their stuff.
Even though I am very outgoing/social, I don't always want to talk to people. I especially don't enjoy having serious, deep conversations with people right now. I really, really do not want to talk about COVID19 anymore, I'd rather talk about inconsequential stuff if I have to talk at all. My family live far away from me and I miss them, and honestly that's where a lot of my emotional focus is these days. If I have to have a deep and meaningful, emotional conversation, I want to have it with my mother. I haven't seen her for too many months and I don't know when I can again.
The problem is I have good friends whom I love, who have been there for me at tough times, but who seem to need a lot of attention and focus right now, and I feel bad because I don't feel like I have the resources to give them the attention/validation/shoulder to cry on that they need. Everyone's struggling - one friend is recently bereaved, another is having a terrible time at work etc.
One of my friends wants to have very long text conversations about life and how bad it is at the moment. She gets upset if I don't reply immediately or soon (Whatsapp shows when you are online, and if she sees I am online but not responding to her texts, she feels rejected and angry). I always have to come up with an excuse otherwise she will expect me to keep texting back and forth with her for ages.
Another friend has had some bad 'friend break-ups' recently, and I feel like there's a lot of pressure on me to listen to her for hours while she offloads about all these people who let her down. I'm really fond of her, she's a good person, but I'm feeling the pressure to be emotionally present A LOT. I feel like there's this pressure on me to prove I'm a good friend, unlike the people who've let her down? I feel like they aren't bad people, they're just busy/preoccupied with their lives and she has interpreted that as them being bad friends. That means that if I'm too busy to speak with her, that makes me a bad friend too, at least in her eyes.
Another of my friends is also going through a tough time. She will randomly text in the middle of the day asking if I'm free to speak on the phone. She always rings to talk about stuff that is getting her down - never just to catch up. I know this is bad but sometimes I just ignore the texts because I feel bad to say the truth which is yes, technically I am free, but I don't feel like having a miserable conversation right now.
It's not that I get upset after these conversations. I just feel DEPLETED after a day of fielding sad texts and sad phone calls.
I feel like I am being really selfish by prioritising what makes me feel ok when people I care about are struggling. These are people who've been there for me when the chips were down. And normally I would spend hours on the phone commiserating, listening etc - that's always been a role I've been happy to take on. This is a thing you sign up for when you befriend someone, right?
I guess my question is twofold - when do I know it's OK not to be there for someone? And if I do decide that I can't be there for someone, how do I say that without hurting their feelings?
We've all got our own stuff going on and I'm right now dealing with cabin fever, work pressure (bad boss), an active job hunt (preparing for interviews, dealing with rejections etc), missing my family etc. My friends are also dealing with their stuff.
Even though I am very outgoing/social, I don't always want to talk to people. I especially don't enjoy having serious, deep conversations with people right now. I really, really do not want to talk about COVID19 anymore, I'd rather talk about inconsequential stuff if I have to talk at all. My family live far away from me and I miss them, and honestly that's where a lot of my emotional focus is these days. If I have to have a deep and meaningful, emotional conversation, I want to have it with my mother. I haven't seen her for too many months and I don't know when I can again.
The problem is I have good friends whom I love, who have been there for me at tough times, but who seem to need a lot of attention and focus right now, and I feel bad because I don't feel like I have the resources to give them the attention/validation/shoulder to cry on that they need. Everyone's struggling - one friend is recently bereaved, another is having a terrible time at work etc.
One of my friends wants to have very long text conversations about life and how bad it is at the moment. She gets upset if I don't reply immediately or soon (Whatsapp shows when you are online, and if she sees I am online but not responding to her texts, she feels rejected and angry). I always have to come up with an excuse otherwise she will expect me to keep texting back and forth with her for ages.
Another friend has had some bad 'friend break-ups' recently, and I feel like there's a lot of pressure on me to listen to her for hours while she offloads about all these people who let her down. I'm really fond of her, she's a good person, but I'm feeling the pressure to be emotionally present A LOT. I feel like there's this pressure on me to prove I'm a good friend, unlike the people who've let her down? I feel like they aren't bad people, they're just busy/preoccupied with their lives and she has interpreted that as them being bad friends. That means that if I'm too busy to speak with her, that makes me a bad friend too, at least in her eyes.
Another of my friends is also going through a tough time. She will randomly text in the middle of the day asking if I'm free to speak on the phone. She always rings to talk about stuff that is getting her down - never just to catch up. I know this is bad but sometimes I just ignore the texts because I feel bad to say the truth which is yes, technically I am free, but I don't feel like having a miserable conversation right now.
It's not that I get upset after these conversations. I just feel DEPLETED after a day of fielding sad texts and sad phone calls.
I feel like I am being really selfish by prioritising what makes me feel ok when people I care about are struggling. These are people who've been there for me when the chips were down. And normally I would spend hours on the phone commiserating, listening etc - that's always been a role I've been happy to take on. This is a thing you sign up for when you befriend someone, right?
I guess my question is twofold - when do I know it's OK not to be there for someone? And if I do decide that I can't be there for someone, how do I say that without hurting their feelings?
Well, I could’ve written this question, down to the part about missing your family and not knowing when you’ll see them again. I, as you, just don’t have the bandwidth to be helping friends as much as usual, and I feel guilty about it too.
I have started telling them during a neutral time (as in, we’re not discussing anything deep) that I have no energy, and me not responding isn’t anything to do with them, but rather that I don’t have anything left to give them right now.
I often have to remind myself that it’s not my responsibility to help everyone all the time, and it’s not yours either. Ultimately, they are responsible for their own well-being, which may mean they need to seek therapy on their own. It is not your burden to bear.
posted by umwhat at 6:18 AM on July 23, 2020 [2 favorites]
I have started telling them during a neutral time (as in, we’re not discussing anything deep) that I have no energy, and me not responding isn’t anything to do with them, but rather that I don’t have anything left to give them right now.
I often have to remind myself that it’s not my responsibility to help everyone all the time, and it’s not yours either. Ultimately, they are responsible for their own well-being, which may mean they need to seek therapy on their own. It is not your burden to bear.
posted by umwhat at 6:18 AM on July 23, 2020 [2 favorites]
when do I know it's OK not to be there for someone?
With the friend who is has a habit of complaining about others -- that's a conversation you should not feel obligated to hash over. Sure, she sees it as real, and she is hurting, but some things need to processed on our own. Sometimes we feel resentment and want to avoid people when we are not honest with our feelings. Instead of wondering and worrying if you're a bad friend you could say what you actually think with kindness. I feel like they aren't bad people, they're just busy/preoccupied with their lives -- have you shared this with her? Don't be afraid to share your perspective. You might be already. She's in a blame loop. It happens to a lot of us. It doesn't have to get you down you when you view it objectively and if you share your experience and feelings on the subject.
Another of my friends is also going through a tough time. She will randomly text in the middle of the day asking if I'm free to speak on the phone. She always rings to talk about stuff that is getting her down - never just to catch up. I know this is bad but sometimes I just ignore the texts because I feel bad to say the truth which is yes, technically I am free, but I don't feel like having a miserable conversation right now.
Let her know when you are free. "Can I call you tonight around 7/tomorrow/this weekend?" Follow up with the agreed upon time and allow her to be herself without personalizing her story and also know that you can end the conversation kindly and promptly when you need to. You're in control and you have the power to create a boundary and be honest. Ignoring generally makes things worse. Ignoring is okay if you don't mind the risk of losing them as a friend.
And if I do decide that I can't be there for someone, how do I say that without hurting their feelings?
Be honest while always making it about you. Reply with a message of support. "I'm sorry that happened/work sucks/etc. I'm feeling out of sorts too. My energy levels are low lately. It's been helping me to be silent at night/read/etc. to decompress. " You could also tell them that it's been hard for you to keep up with texts. You could tell them that you're feeling sad and conversations are hard right now. You could tell them that talking during the workweek is difficult at the moment. Whatever it is that you are truly feeling. Be honest without pulling them into the story.
posted by loveandhappiness at 6:48 AM on July 23, 2020 [7 favorites]
With the friend who is has a habit of complaining about others -- that's a conversation you should not feel obligated to hash over. Sure, she sees it as real, and she is hurting, but some things need to processed on our own. Sometimes we feel resentment and want to avoid people when we are not honest with our feelings. Instead of wondering and worrying if you're a bad friend you could say what you actually think with kindness. I feel like they aren't bad people, they're just busy/preoccupied with their lives -- have you shared this with her? Don't be afraid to share your perspective. You might be already. She's in a blame loop. It happens to a lot of us. It doesn't have to get you down you when you view it objectively and if you share your experience and feelings on the subject.
Another of my friends is also going through a tough time. She will randomly text in the middle of the day asking if I'm free to speak on the phone. She always rings to talk about stuff that is getting her down - never just to catch up. I know this is bad but sometimes I just ignore the texts because I feel bad to say the truth which is yes, technically I am free, but I don't feel like having a miserable conversation right now.
Let her know when you are free. "Can I call you tonight around 7/tomorrow/this weekend?" Follow up with the agreed upon time and allow her to be herself without personalizing her story and also know that you can end the conversation kindly and promptly when you need to. You're in control and you have the power to create a boundary and be honest. Ignoring generally makes things worse. Ignoring is okay if you don't mind the risk of losing them as a friend.
And if I do decide that I can't be there for someone, how do I say that without hurting their feelings?
Be honest while always making it about you. Reply with a message of support. "I'm sorry that happened/work sucks/etc. I'm feeling out of sorts too. My energy levels are low lately. It's been helping me to be silent at night/read/etc. to decompress. " You could also tell them that it's been hard for you to keep up with texts. You could tell them that you're feeling sad and conversations are hard right now. You could tell them that talking during the workweek is difficult at the moment. Whatever it is that you are truly feeling. Be honest without pulling them into the story.
posted by loveandhappiness at 6:48 AM on July 23, 2020 [7 favorites]
Part of being a friend is knowing when you're bringing the people around you down. You're not the bad friend in these cases; they are. They're not doing any of the work of actually being friends, by which I mean caring about you. In particular, the friend who monitors when you're on Whatsapp sounds dreadful. That's a really terrible pattern of behavior for her to get into. If she were a dude monitoring a significant other that way, everyone would scream "abusive!". (And they'd be right.)
I think the key with these people (as with most social interactions) is honesty. Don't hide from them; that's what your friend with the friend-breakups is afraid of. Just let them know that you value their friendship (assuming you do), but that you're going through a difficult time yourself at the moment and you might not be able to give them what you need. You don't want to drift apart, but you just can't be as close as you have been. It sounds kinda dumb and hokey, I know, but it has worked for me. One of my closest friends is actually my ex-girlfriend from when we were in college. We broke up after her mom died, in large part because I was a 21 year old bro who didn't know how to handle serious stuff. 20 years ago, we couldn't give each other what we needed right then, but we enjoyed each other's company, and we cared about each other, so even though we weren't dating, we'd still hang out and, as we moved away, we kept in touch. Her kids have even texted me, which I find really amusing.
The other thing you can do is, if these people really sound like they're having trouble, you could suggest an alternative to talking to you about it. I am, of course, referring to therapy. There's a stigma about mental health, so you can't just say "why don't you talk to a therapist about this instead of me?". But if your friend is gushing to you about how terrible their life is, take a step back and say something like "this sounds really tough; are you ok?" Give them the opening to say that maybe they're not ok, and then gently suggest that they have options. I don't know if you've ever been, but for me, therapy is tremendously helpful when I'm feeling down. I've had a couple of therapists who have been really affirming and validating. If they're not interested in formal therapy, suggest something like 7 Cups of Tea, which is just basically chatting with strangers who volunteer to listen. In the short term, they might be offended, but long term they'll see that you were actually being really helpful.
posted by kevinbelt at 6:48 AM on July 23, 2020 [4 favorites]
I think the key with these people (as with most social interactions) is honesty. Don't hide from them; that's what your friend with the friend-breakups is afraid of. Just let them know that you value their friendship (assuming you do), but that you're going through a difficult time yourself at the moment and you might not be able to give them what you need. You don't want to drift apart, but you just can't be as close as you have been. It sounds kinda dumb and hokey, I know, but it has worked for me. One of my closest friends is actually my ex-girlfriend from when we were in college. We broke up after her mom died, in large part because I was a 21 year old bro who didn't know how to handle serious stuff. 20 years ago, we couldn't give each other what we needed right then, but we enjoyed each other's company, and we cared about each other, so even though we weren't dating, we'd still hang out and, as we moved away, we kept in touch. Her kids have even texted me, which I find really amusing.
The other thing you can do is, if these people really sound like they're having trouble, you could suggest an alternative to talking to you about it. I am, of course, referring to therapy. There's a stigma about mental health, so you can't just say "why don't you talk to a therapist about this instead of me?". But if your friend is gushing to you about how terrible their life is, take a step back and say something like "this sounds really tough; are you ok?" Give them the opening to say that maybe they're not ok, and then gently suggest that they have options. I don't know if you've ever been, but for me, therapy is tremendously helpful when I'm feeling down. I've had a couple of therapists who have been really affirming and validating. If they're not interested in formal therapy, suggest something like 7 Cups of Tea, which is just basically chatting with strangers who volunteer to listen. In the short term, they might be offended, but long term they'll see that you were actually being really helpful.
posted by kevinbelt at 6:48 AM on July 23, 2020 [4 favorites]
In general the answer is you give what you can without harming yourself. The amount that you give will vary according to how you're doing.
However the answer is also that friendships shouldn't be a one-way street. If someone is always an energy vampire, maybe that's not a friend you want.
The friend who's always draining you and getting angry at you for protecting yourself: that's not a good friend, and you might want to scale that relationship back. The other one, with the timing problem -- you can try telling her that you're generally not available for chats during the day, that you'll get back to her when you can, and see what happens -- she just sounds thoughtless/ self-centered, which is pretty typical for very young people. I'm getting the sense you guys are in your early 20s? People can outgrow that phase.
But the total energy vampire -- that tends to be a lifelong "type." The standard way of scaling back something like this is to reply at progressively longer intervals, and the meaner her messages get, the longer it takes you to reply; when her messages are really inappropriate, you just don't answer. You don't let yourself be baited into the dance.
posted by fingersandtoes at 6:48 AM on July 23, 2020 [7 favorites]
However the answer is also that friendships shouldn't be a one-way street. If someone is always an energy vampire, maybe that's not a friend you want.
The friend who's always draining you and getting angry at you for protecting yourself: that's not a good friend, and you might want to scale that relationship back. The other one, with the timing problem -- you can try telling her that you're generally not available for chats during the day, that you'll get back to her when you can, and see what happens -- she just sounds thoughtless/ self-centered, which is pretty typical for very young people. I'm getting the sense you guys are in your early 20s? People can outgrow that phase.
But the total energy vampire -- that tends to be a lifelong "type." The standard way of scaling back something like this is to reply at progressively longer intervals, and the meaner her messages get, the longer it takes you to reply; when her messages are really inappropriate, you just don't answer. You don't let yourself be baited into the dance.
posted by fingersandtoes at 6:48 AM on July 23, 2020 [7 favorites]
I'd come up with a simple one-liner and just keep deploying it to everyone.
"I’m really sorry, I’m feeling overwhelmed myself right now and I have to step back and take some time for myself, so I can’t give you the support you need at the moment. I love you, but just don't have the ability to give you the support you need right now."
Then do your utmost not to get drawn in to back-and-forths where you explain exactly why you're overwhelmed, where it spirals into both of you talking about how terrible things are, or them deciding for you whether your decision to draw back is justified. Maybe have one follow-up line ready that you come back with if they try that "I'm sorry, I'm cutting right down on my social media/phone time right now so I can't chat. I'll be in touch in a while when I feel more able to." and then don't reply to any further messages. If that feels really harsh, maybe send a snailmail postcard saying "Sorry I can't do much chat at the moment, but you're in my thoughts." and if they use that as a reason to text you, just send an emoji thumbs up back, or something, don't spark up conversation again.
It's basically Grey Rock, although most articles I can find explaining Grey Rock talk about using it on narcissists and sociopaths, it sounds like it'd be useful here too.
posted by penguin pie at 6:58 AM on July 23, 2020 [2 favorites]
"I’m really sorry, I’m feeling overwhelmed myself right now and I have to step back and take some time for myself, so I can’t give you the support you need at the moment. I love you, but just don't have the ability to give you the support you need right now."
Then do your utmost not to get drawn in to back-and-forths where you explain exactly why you're overwhelmed, where it spirals into both of you talking about how terrible things are, or them deciding for you whether your decision to draw back is justified. Maybe have one follow-up line ready that you come back with if they try that "I'm sorry, I'm cutting right down on my social media/phone time right now so I can't chat. I'll be in touch in a while when I feel more able to." and then don't reply to any further messages. If that feels really harsh, maybe send a snailmail postcard saying "Sorry I can't do much chat at the moment, but you're in my thoughts." and if they use that as a reason to text you, just send an emoji thumbs up back, or something, don't spark up conversation again.
It's basically Grey Rock, although most articles I can find explaining Grey Rock talk about using it on narcissists and sociopaths, it sounds like it'd be useful here too.
posted by penguin pie at 6:58 AM on July 23, 2020 [2 favorites]
People are used to you being available, and you value that about yourself. But as people's lives become more complicated they become less available. It's just how it is.
I would move towards talking to the bereaved friend at a set time, like after dinner or during a coffee break. She would probably appreciate the routine after she deals with emergency stuff that pops up.
The one who complains about bad friends is an emotional vampire.
The one who feels bad when you don't respond immediately is just addicted to texting. She doesn't need you per we, she needs a fix.
posted by perdhapley at 7:11 AM on July 23, 2020 [8 favorites]
I would move towards talking to the bereaved friend at a set time, like after dinner or during a coffee break. She would probably appreciate the routine after she deals with emergency stuff that pops up.
The one who complains about bad friends is an emotional vampire.
The one who feels bad when you don't respond immediately is just addicted to texting. She doesn't need you per we, she needs a fix.
posted by perdhapley at 7:11 AM on July 23, 2020 [8 favorites]
Keep in mind the key issue of consent here. If you make a commitment to talk to someone for an hour on Wednesday after four and then let them down they are entitled to feel hurt or angry but NOT entitled to you listening to them, because you are always allowed to withdraw consent.
If they get angry at you for refusing to do them a favour there have a great big problem and your friend is a toxic person and it is critical for you own mental health that you withdraw from this boundary pusher. You need to set firm boundaries where you either don't interact with them at all or only under limited circumstances that you will decide in advance.
It's also critical for you own mental health that you don't voluntarily let them overload you. You're probably not even helping them because if they keep coming back to complain about the same ongoing issues they are ruminating and dumping on you, not working towards solutions, nor working on better control of their moods. Listening to someone vent about the same thing a third time is enabling. You may chose to do it, the way you may choose to give an alcoholic a drink to stave off the DT's, but in the long run you are doing them no favours.
A key factor is if you feel worse after the conversation it is doing you harm. And if they want to do you repeat harm you probably need to go no contact.
posted by Jane the Brown at 7:13 AM on July 23, 2020 [4 favorites]
If they get angry at you for refusing to do them a favour there have a great big problem and your friend is a toxic person and it is critical for you own mental health that you withdraw from this boundary pusher. You need to set firm boundaries where you either don't interact with them at all or only under limited circumstances that you will decide in advance.
It's also critical for you own mental health that you don't voluntarily let them overload you. You're probably not even helping them because if they keep coming back to complain about the same ongoing issues they are ruminating and dumping on you, not working towards solutions, nor working on better control of their moods. Listening to someone vent about the same thing a third time is enabling. You may chose to do it, the way you may choose to give an alcoholic a drink to stave off the DT's, but in the long run you are doing them no favours.
A key factor is if you feel worse after the conversation it is doing you harm. And if they want to do you repeat harm you probably need to go no contact.
posted by Jane the Brown at 7:13 AM on July 23, 2020 [4 favorites]
So in my personal life, people say I'm a pretty generous and kind person(to my face anyway!), but I'm also very very clear with my boundaries in explicit but generic ways that don't leave room for arguement. Stuff like I'm sorry your having a hard time, I'm having a hard time too. Right now I can't chat, and I don't think I'm going to be able to for a (reasonable timeline for you). I'll be in touch! If they respond with an arguement you ignore it and reach out when you can, or repeat as necessary. People will get the message. Also, if you are consistent with this people will trust this message from you. That you care, that you want to be involved and you will circle around to them.
posted by AlexiaSky at 7:15 AM on July 23, 2020 [3 favorites]
posted by AlexiaSky at 7:15 AM on July 23, 2020 [3 favorites]
In terms of *why* it's a good idea to preserve your boundaries around your own mental health -- if you're not healthy, you can't be a good resource to help your friends.
I've heard the framing of thinking about your ability to care as a bucket. It's not an infinitely full bucket, as you're experiencing now. Giving your friends caring time will empty the bucket, regardless of whether it feels like a burden. Having time to yourself or getting care from others can fill your bucket. If you don't take time to fill your bucket, you won't have anything to give to others. This isn't something to feel guilty about, because it's true of everyone, even folks who are actually trained in helping professions.
So, as you work through how to maintain your boundaries in this difficult time, please remember that it's completely normal and will be good for literally everyone in your life!
posted by HtotheH at 7:23 AM on July 23, 2020
I've heard the framing of thinking about your ability to care as a bucket. It's not an infinitely full bucket, as you're experiencing now. Giving your friends caring time will empty the bucket, regardless of whether it feels like a burden. Having time to yourself or getting care from others can fill your bucket. If you don't take time to fill your bucket, you won't have anything to give to others. This isn't something to feel guilty about, because it's true of everyone, even folks who are actually trained in helping professions.
So, as you work through how to maintain your boundaries in this difficult time, please remember that it's completely normal and will be good for literally everyone in your life!
posted by HtotheH at 7:23 AM on July 23, 2020
The friend who is constantly going through friend-breakups and coming to you to complain about how terrible these friends are? One day it will be your turn to be the villain in her story.
Source: I had a friend like that for over a decade and a half. My number still came up.
The one who gets meaner and meaner the longer you go without replying to her messages? She’s bullying you. You don’t deserve that, and it would be good for her to experience some consequences. Don’t wait for her to mature out of it.
Source: I had a friend who was a bully. Every time she mistreated me, it became my job to ease her conscience about being an abuser. I put up with it way too long and she did some extremely hurtful, childish things. Even turning 40 didn’t make her outgrow it.
The one who texts asking for short-notice phone support: does she even ask how you’re doing? If you try to redirect the conversation, does she immediately steer it back, as if your job is simply to listen about her?
Source: I know a lot of people like this, even now. They’re exhausting enough as acquaintances. As acquaintances, you’re their captive audience, their talk show host. As “friends,” you’ll start feeling more like another kind of “host” — a blood meal.
Your time and energy are precious. It is absolutely your right to protect those resources. Put yourself first. If, after a few weeks of downshifting, you really miss these people, you can reach out. But if that idea fills you with dread, just remember: you don’t owe them anything.
posted by armeowda at 8:52 AM on July 23, 2020 [5 favorites]
Source: I had a friend like that for over a decade and a half. My number still came up.
The one who gets meaner and meaner the longer you go without replying to her messages? She’s bullying you. You don’t deserve that, and it would be good for her to experience some consequences. Don’t wait for her to mature out of it.
Source: I had a friend who was a bully. Every time she mistreated me, it became my job to ease her conscience about being an abuser. I put up with it way too long and she did some extremely hurtful, childish things. Even turning 40 didn’t make her outgrow it.
The one who texts asking for short-notice phone support: does she even ask how you’re doing? If you try to redirect the conversation, does she immediately steer it back, as if your job is simply to listen about her?
Source: I know a lot of people like this, even now. They’re exhausting enough as acquaintances. As acquaintances, you’re their captive audience, their talk show host. As “friends,” you’ll start feeling more like another kind of “host” — a blood meal.
Your time and energy are precious. It is absolutely your right to protect those resources. Put yourself first. If, after a few weeks of downshifting, you really miss these people, you can reach out. But if that idea fills you with dread, just remember: you don’t owe them anything.
posted by armeowda at 8:52 AM on July 23, 2020 [5 favorites]
One thing that's helped me a bunch in these trying times is scheduling time with the people I want to hang out with where we have something to talk about that *isn't* the news. Sympathy and support are important, but it's also important to the relationship to have pleasant, enjoyable time together, and setting that boundary up front - and having a concrete alternative - is a way to do it. (Most recent example: I got together with a handful of friends and we watched The Old Guard in our separate homes while hanging out in a slack channel chatting about the movie. It was a nice social time! The present day didn't come up at all!)
posted by restless_nomad at 8:59 AM on July 23, 2020
posted by restless_nomad at 8:59 AM on July 23, 2020
You've framed it as a binary: either you can have good boundaries or you can be a good friend. I would argue that you'll be a better friend when you establish good boundaries, because you'll be protecting your own mental health, which is of utmost importance. If your friends don't respect your stated boundaries? That's a huge red flag.
posted by sugarbomb at 10:11 AM on July 23, 2020 [2 favorites]
posted by sugarbomb at 10:11 AM on July 23, 2020 [2 favorites]
You already have a lot of great responses. I'm someone who lives alone and wishes my friends would call more often. I don't get angry if they don't respond to my communication because I know they care about me and that they have families and work and other friends. I also don't dump my problems on friends. I fortunately have a counselor to discuss stuff with. I guess what I would say is " I feel for you. This is a tough time for everyone. For me, it's making me feel less social with friends and more concerned about my family. I hope you understand and can respect that I may not want to talk sometimes. I think of you and I'll reach out more when I feel more social. "
I've had had a few friends in my life who have dumped their stuff in me...It never felt like they were interacting with me just using me. They're no longer in my life.
Even if people get upset with what you say, understand it's about them not your behavior. If you're a healthy person you have boundaries and so do your friends.
posted by DixieBaby at 12:29 PM on July 23, 2020 [2 favorites]
I've had had a few friends in my life who have dumped their stuff in me...It never felt like they were interacting with me just using me. They're no longer in my life.
Even if people get upset with what you say, understand it's about them not your behavior. If you're a healthy person you have boundaries and so do your friends.
posted by DixieBaby at 12:29 PM on July 23, 2020 [2 favorites]
Maybe this is overly simplistic, but can you just adopt a one-size-fits-all boundary and let your friends know about it? For me, I have had months at a time where I don't check my phone before noon, that's just the way it is, you will have to wait to hear from me. You could try something like saying you can't chat during work hours, or on Tuesday nights when you need some alone time, or something, to at least carve out some space, and it is possible your friends will not take it personally if they know it's a blanket policy.
posted by ferret branca at 9:48 PM on July 23, 2020
posted by ferret branca at 9:48 PM on July 23, 2020
So between this question and some other things, I wonder if one of the challenges you're facing is that your friendships skew towards being about emotional support versus other types of social support (instrumental support, straight-up companionship, etc.).
This pattern may not have to do with anyone involved being an emotional vampire (although it could), but might be more about the kind of friending that you tend to give out as well as ask for. It becomes an ingrained pattern in your relationships, which, as I wrote a bit about in a comment some time ago, can alter the way you show up for your friends and how you are as a social person in general. Now is probably the worst possible time in recent history to be someone whose social life typically involves a lot of co-rumination and confidante work. It's good that you can be that person for your friends, but it sets up a situation where the emotional cost of maintaining your friendships becomes too high.
To answer your questions more directly, if you want to be a good friend and maintain your boundaries, are there ways in which you could spend time with your friends that bring you both joy that aren't directly about emotional support? They're going through rough times, but they aren't their rough times; spending time together in ways that aren't focused on talking things out can help them to stay in touch with themselves. One of Rock 'em Sock 'em's example scripts about suggesting watching a movie together is a good start.
posted by blerghamot at 12:18 AM on July 24, 2020 [2 favorites]
This pattern may not have to do with anyone involved being an emotional vampire (although it could), but might be more about the kind of friending that you tend to give out as well as ask for. It becomes an ingrained pattern in your relationships, which, as I wrote a bit about in a comment some time ago, can alter the way you show up for your friends and how you are as a social person in general. Now is probably the worst possible time in recent history to be someone whose social life typically involves a lot of co-rumination and confidante work. It's good that you can be that person for your friends, but it sets up a situation where the emotional cost of maintaining your friendships becomes too high.
To answer your questions more directly, if you want to be a good friend and maintain your boundaries, are there ways in which you could spend time with your friends that bring you both joy that aren't directly about emotional support? They're going through rough times, but they aren't their rough times; spending time together in ways that aren't focused on talking things out can help them to stay in touch with themselves. One of Rock 'em Sock 'em's example scripts about suggesting watching a movie together is a good start.
posted by blerghamot at 12:18 AM on July 24, 2020 [2 favorites]
You’re not being mean for respecting your own needs and recognising your own limitations. Only if you respect your own needs are you going to be able to support others. But whenever you change established patterns of behaviour in relationships it may end up upsetting people. That doesn’t mean you don’t make the changes, it just means you brace yourself for some pushback.
How the other person reacts and manages their reactions is entirely their responsibility. You don’t have to feel guilty for doing what you have to do for yourself. Being less accessible and less available to ‘be supportive on demand’ is going to require your friends to adjust. Not all will want to accept these new boundaries and if this doesn’t work for them that’s ok. Sometimes friendships run their course as well. That doesn’t make you a bad friend.
posted by koahiatamadl at 9:04 AM on July 24, 2020
How the other person reacts and manages their reactions is entirely their responsibility. You don’t have to feel guilty for doing what you have to do for yourself. Being less accessible and less available to ‘be supportive on demand’ is going to require your friends to adjust. Not all will want to accept these new boundaries and if this doesn’t work for them that’s ok. Sometimes friendships run their course as well. That doesn’t make you a bad friend.
posted by koahiatamadl at 9:04 AM on July 24, 2020
I really, really do not want to talk about COVID19 anymore, I'd rather talk about inconsequential stuff if I have to talk at all
It sounds like you need a break from talking to people for a bit. You don't have to "settle" for just changing your conversational topics if you don't feel like talking entirely.
Let your friends know as a group that you are going to take some time to yourself. Give some explanation so they don't worry and will actually give you some time, calling it a fast until a certain date is one way I've seen people handle it. A facebook post to a limited audience or group text is a great way to handle letting people know, that way they know you are announcing it to others as well.
posted by yohko at 4:08 PM on July 24, 2020 [1 favorite]
It sounds like you need a break from talking to people for a bit. You don't have to "settle" for just changing your conversational topics if you don't feel like talking entirely.
Let your friends know as a group that you are going to take some time to yourself. Give some explanation so they don't worry and will actually give you some time, calling it a fast until a certain date is one way I've seen people handle it. A facebook post to a limited audience or group text is a great way to handle letting people know, that way they know you are announcing it to others as well.
posted by yohko at 4:08 PM on July 24, 2020 [1 favorite]
easy peasy - YOU always come first.
posted by megan_magnolia at 6:10 PM on July 24, 2020
posted by megan_magnolia at 6:10 PM on July 24, 2020
My best friend and I have a process that works great. If one of us wants a regular chat, we just call, and if it goes down an emotional support path, we catch ourselves and ask if it is ok. If we need a 'listen', we text and ask each other for one. So, if it is a need to just vent, it can be at a mutually acceptable time. If it is an immediate need, we can say yes, or say that we only have ten minutes, so we can quickly get to the point, if needed. We also tend to switch by asking, 'can I talk about me now?'. It has worked out great. We both actually feel that the other one is giving us more support, which shows that the balance is working out.
Watching when you are online is a big red boundary crossing flag. It is not ok.
posted by MountainDaisy at 8:32 AM on July 25, 2020 [3 favorites]
Watching when you are online is a big red boundary crossing flag. It is not ok.
posted by MountainDaisy at 8:32 AM on July 25, 2020 [3 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
Your emotional well being should always default to top priority. You may sacrifice some of it in order to help others, but that’s a decision you make — your first job is making sure that you are okay.
What time and energy you have above that can all be given to taking care of others. Obviously that’s not an infinite amount however. Sometimes you’ll need to decline.
It’s hard to say how to approach this with your friends without knowing them, but I would start with saying that you’re emotionally spent and won’t be of any use right now. It’s not that you won’t help them, it’s that you can’t. That could be a tough thing to say/admit, but if you don’t set limits for yourself it will shortly be disastrously true.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 6:08 AM on July 23, 2020 [12 favorites]