Involuntary celibate but not like that
July 18, 2020 2:50 PM Subscribe
I'm single, have no prospects for dating or even casual sex, and finding it hard to cope.
I've been single for 4.5 years and last had sexual contact with another human being in 2016. Normally I'm ok with this. I don't get attracted to people very easily and am gay so it's especially unusual to meet someone I'm into. I also am probably what the kids call "demisexual" and so don't have an interest in casual hookups even if they were an option; I live in a rural area, have no queer community nearby, and obviously there's a pandemic on. I just really want to meet someone, fall in love, have a relationship and lots of sex and physical intimacy and I can't see that happening for... the foreseeable, but maybe realistically this could be the case for the rest of my life??
But on a regular basis (I suspect linked to ovulation) I find myself almost demented with the need for physical contact of any kind, but really especially sex. Even just thinking about cuddling platonically with a friend, or a make-out session, can move me to tears.
My current coping strategies are masturbating a lot, fantasising copiously, and writing explicit fan fic. I don't think these are helping. Can I just... shut off the sexual side of me? Has anyone successfully done this? Could I mess with my menstrual cycle in some way so I no longer ovulate (I guess the hormonal fluctuations that lead to excess horniness would occur anyway...)?
This isn't affecting my life in like a dangerous or break-down kind of way, but it is making me really sad on a regular basis and if this is to be my life I would like to be better able to cope.
I've been single for 4.5 years and last had sexual contact with another human being in 2016. Normally I'm ok with this. I don't get attracted to people very easily and am gay so it's especially unusual to meet someone I'm into. I also am probably what the kids call "demisexual" and so don't have an interest in casual hookups even if they were an option; I live in a rural area, have no queer community nearby, and obviously there's a pandemic on. I just really want to meet someone, fall in love, have a relationship and lots of sex and physical intimacy and I can't see that happening for... the foreseeable, but maybe realistically this could be the case for the rest of my life??
But on a regular basis (I suspect linked to ovulation) I find myself almost demented with the need for physical contact of any kind, but really especially sex. Even just thinking about cuddling platonically with a friend, or a make-out session, can move me to tears.
My current coping strategies are masturbating a lot, fantasising copiously, and writing explicit fan fic. I don't think these are helping. Can I just... shut off the sexual side of me? Has anyone successfully done this? Could I mess with my menstrual cycle in some way so I no longer ovulate (I guess the hormonal fluctuations that lead to excess horniness would occur anyway...)?
This isn't affecting my life in like a dangerous or break-down kind of way, but it is making me really sad on a regular basis and if this is to be my life I would like to be better able to cope.
Does the touch starvation feel like something different from the desire for sex? (The mention of the pandemic, which is of course recent, made me wonder.) If so, a pettable pet might take the edge off the touch starvation.
I sure do hear you, though. Living alone through this is not a picnic. Sending you an Internet hug.
posted by humbug at 3:13 PM on July 18, 2020 [8 favorites]
I sure do hear you, though. Living alone through this is not a picnic. Sending you an Internet hug.
posted by humbug at 3:13 PM on July 18, 2020 [8 favorites]
Yes, you face a very difficult situation. I second the poster who suggested adopting a pet. You might be surprised at how well this helps!
You are probably right that the yearning is related to ovulation. This is small comfort, but over time, your body will adjust to that particular kind of sensory deprivation and it will affect you less.
Some day this pandemic will be only a memory, and you will be free to meet someone and find fulfillment.
posted by ragtimepiano at 3:38 PM on July 18, 2020 [1 favorite]
You are probably right that the yearning is related to ovulation. This is small comfort, but over time, your body will adjust to that particular kind of sensory deprivation and it will affect you less.
Some day this pandemic will be only a memory, and you will be free to meet someone and find fulfillment.
posted by ragtimepiano at 3:38 PM on July 18, 2020 [1 favorite]
Taking hormonal birth control continuously kills my libido. It doesn't remove my desire for touch, but it's not as desperately intense.
posted by metasarah at 4:11 PM on July 18, 2020 [2 favorites]
posted by metasarah at 4:11 PM on July 18, 2020 [2 favorites]
This is something I would move over.
posted by bbqturtle at 5:00 PM on July 18, 2020 [17 favorites]
posted by bbqturtle at 5:00 PM on July 18, 2020 [17 favorites]
Another vote for hormonal birth control. Definitely tends to have a dampening effect on that ovulation-induced yearning.
posted by armeowda at 6:33 PM on July 18, 2020 [2 favorites]
posted by armeowda at 6:33 PM on July 18, 2020 [2 favorites]
Another, another vote that hormonal birth control evens out my libido. I take it continuously.
posted by entropyiswinning at 7:07 PM on July 18, 2020 [2 favorites]
posted by entropyiswinning at 7:07 PM on July 18, 2020 [2 favorites]
Can I just... shut off the sexual side of me? Has anyone successfully done this?
My streak is four times yours (and also on birth control anyway to stop periods) and the answer is pretty much no, not entirely. Though sheer soul exhaustion after a long time means that you eventually stop caring, if that helps.
Sorry to not be able to give you a better answer. I'm living in the same hopeless boat too. All I can say is that after a long time, your body and soul will get used to the idea. If Tim Gunn can do it, so can we, if that helps?
I haven't tried antidepressants, but so many people say that kills libido that it's probably worth a shot for you under the circumstances.
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:07 PM on July 18, 2020 [5 favorites]
My streak is four times yours (and also on birth control anyway to stop periods) and the answer is pretty much no, not entirely. Though sheer soul exhaustion after a long time means that you eventually stop caring, if that helps.
Sorry to not be able to give you a better answer. I'm living in the same hopeless boat too. All I can say is that after a long time, your body and soul will get used to the idea. If Tim Gunn can do it, so can we, if that helps?
I haven't tried antidepressants, but so many people say that kills libido that it's probably worth a shot for you under the circumstances.
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:07 PM on July 18, 2020 [5 favorites]
I don't know if this is an option where you live or in a nearby larger city, but there are professional cuddlers in some places that could help with the more platonic side of your need for intimacy.
I'm sorry you're in such a rough spot. I know you're definitely not alone, especially in these strange times. Sending queer hugs from across the ether!
posted by switcheroo at 9:07 PM on July 18, 2020
I'm sorry you're in such a rough spot. I know you're definitely not alone, especially in these strange times. Sending queer hugs from across the ether!
posted by switcheroo at 9:07 PM on July 18, 2020
Even when Covid wasn't a thing, I am pretty solitary and have a similar dating situation, so there's not a lot of touch/physical contact. One thing that has helped immensely both physically & emotionally is massage therapy. I'm not talking happy endings or anything, just the touch of another person. My massage therapist is doing a thorough job of disinfecting and we both wear masks so it's something I have so far felt safe continuing.
posted by kattyann at 4:55 AM on July 19, 2020 [2 favorites]
posted by kattyann at 4:55 AM on July 19, 2020 [2 favorites]
Anecdotally, the people I know who have used SSRIs to try to kill their sex drive have not found them useful for that.
Most people find that SSRIs fuck up their sex life in one way or another. But the details vary a lot. For some people it's "My body still craves sex, but now it's frustratingly hard to satisfy that craving because I can't have orgasms." For some it's "My body doesn't crave sex, but my conscious mind still remembers what sex is like and is sad I'm not having it." I don't think many people hit the sweet spot of "My interest in sex is totally gone in a way that's less frustrating than when it was there."
Anyway, it sounds like at least some of your craving for sex is about needing love and kindness. Sometimes "I'm desperate for sex" means "I'm really lonely, I'm so lonely I need the strongest antidote possible, and good sex is the least lonely I can imagine being." (And changing hormones don't just make people horny, they also amplify emotions and make it easier to access things like sadness.)
SSRIs won't fix that. If you're actually depressed, they might make it easier to go out and make friends or cuddlebuddies or get laid. But they won't make your human need for love and kindness go away.
I'm with bbqturtle. I'd move over this, either to a town or to a gay-er rural area, even if it meant messing up my life a bit — love and kindness are that important, even if you only crave them this intensely once a month.
posted by nebulawindphone at 6:06 AM on July 19, 2020 [16 favorites]
Most people find that SSRIs fuck up their sex life in one way or another. But the details vary a lot. For some people it's "My body still craves sex, but now it's frustratingly hard to satisfy that craving because I can't have orgasms." For some it's "My body doesn't crave sex, but my conscious mind still remembers what sex is like and is sad I'm not having it." I don't think many people hit the sweet spot of "My interest in sex is totally gone in a way that's less frustrating than when it was there."
Anyway, it sounds like at least some of your craving for sex is about needing love and kindness. Sometimes "I'm desperate for sex" means "I'm really lonely, I'm so lonely I need the strongest antidote possible, and good sex is the least lonely I can imagine being." (And changing hormones don't just make people horny, they also amplify emotions and make it easier to access things like sadness.)
SSRIs won't fix that. If you're actually depressed, they might make it easier to go out and make friends or cuddlebuddies or get laid. But they won't make your human need for love and kindness go away.
I'm with bbqturtle. I'd move over this, either to a town or to a gay-er rural area, even if it meant messing up my life a bit — love and kindness are that important, even if you only crave them this intensely once a month.
posted by nebulawindphone at 6:06 AM on July 19, 2020 [16 favorites]
I'll note that antidepressants might help you cope with it, but what they tend to do is make it harder to orgasm, making the whole thing more frustrating. The big thing getting me through is that I have cats to cuddle with, so my suggestion is a cuddly animal companion (or two, if your thought is a kitten - they really need a buddy).
posted by bile and syntax at 8:04 AM on July 19, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by bile and syntax at 8:04 AM on July 19, 2020 [1 favorite]
>I just really want to meet someone, fall in love, have a relationship
If you're a cis woman or NB/trans, try the Lex app (no cis men allowed). It's a text-based dating app for queer women and NB/trans people.
In addition to touch-starved solutions that metabaroque recommended, google "tantra for one" and maybe try some tantric exercises for yourself?
posted by foxjacket at 7:10 AM on July 20, 2020
If you're a cis woman or NB/trans, try the Lex app (no cis men allowed). It's a text-based dating app for queer women and NB/trans people.
In addition to touch-starved solutions that metabaroque recommended, google "tantra for one" and maybe try some tantric exercises for yourself?
posted by foxjacket at 7:10 AM on July 20, 2020
Even before Covid, I was touch starved, but my very cuddly cats help a lot.
If you decide to adopt a cat/dog, go for a slightly older animal. Their personality is more set, and they will probably want to cuddle more. Young kittens/ puppies are generally more active and their ultimate personality is less clear.
posted by Archipelago at 10:57 AM on July 20, 2020 [1 favorite]
If you decide to adopt a cat/dog, go for a slightly older animal. Their personality is more set, and they will probably want to cuddle more. Young kittens/ puppies are generally more active and their ultimate personality is less clear.
posted by Archipelago at 10:57 AM on July 20, 2020 [1 favorite]
Giving yourself different types of full body touch sensations can help with feeling touch starved (and may help take the edge off some of the more sexual sorts of cravings as well). Some of these are much easier to do in a rural area, depending on the climate and setting. Focusing on things that are available to you specifically because you live in a more rural place might be more helpful with that sense of isolation. Swim in a river, roll around on the floor or a grassy meadow, go outside in the nude and feel the sun/wind/rain on your skin. Get muddy, ride a horse if you have that available to you, run, use a swing outdoors, spin in circles, sway back and forth in a hammock. Camp out in your backyard (or somewhere else if it's safe) on a not-so luxurious camping mattress and feel the ground under your body as you sleep. Sit in different places for meals, indoors or out. Walk barefoot outdoors if it's safe and practical to do so.
posted by yohko at 11:26 AM on July 20, 2020
posted by yohko at 11:26 AM on July 20, 2020
Well, I'm cishet-male, so not quite the same boat, but kind of the same boat :). I hate some parts my life, at least the "no part of my body has been touched by an adult except my scalp by my hairdresser in 18-months" parts. My wife seems perfectly content to live like this and has said so. I want so much to adopt an "involuntarily celibate" label that has nothing to do with incel. There has to be a label for choosing the stability of (even a crappy) marriage in spite of the crushing loneliness of marriage.
I feel for you. You are not alone. FWIW, anti-depressants didn't kill my libdo at all, just took away any happy feeling along with sad feelings. I hope your mileage may vary.
posted by sp_w at 12:38 PM on July 20, 2020
I feel for you. You are not alone. FWIW, anti-depressants didn't kill my libdo at all, just took away any happy feeling along with sad feelings. I hope your mileage may vary.
posted by sp_w at 12:38 PM on July 20, 2020
This thread is closed to new comments.
For now it seems like the goal is to just get through the pandemic as safely and sanely as possible. Hopefully at a near point in the future you'll have more freedom to explore getting your needs met.
Big hugs to you - it's not an easy time to be single and isolated!
posted by bunderful at 3:09 PM on July 18, 2020 [1 favorite]