My partner is upset that he has no hobbies and doesn't like being alone.
July 13, 2020 8:18 AM   Subscribe

Last night, me and my partner ventured to a bar (all social distanced and sat outside!) and while we were walking home, I made a comment about how we drink quite a bit when we're together and maybe we should try having fun without alcohol, in the prospect of getting healthy / in shape. He responded by saying he felt like he had no hobbies, and when I'm not staying at his flat, he gets really lonely. What should I do?

Me and my partner have a wonderful relationship, however, I have recently acknowledged that much of our social life together involves visiting pubs and bars, whether that is alone or with family and friends, who are also all big social drinkers. When I brought this up last night, as we walked home from an evening drink, I said we should try doing some other activities without alcohol to get in shape and, above all, just have fun trying new things.

He responded to the above saying that he felt like he had no hobbies, and would sometimes drink alone out of bordem. He would also pick up extra shifts at work if he was on his own, as he was bored and didn't feel like he was interested in anything else. My hobbies are all quite introverted by nature, which I think has been a blessing during the lockdown. I love to do art, study things I don't know about, I'm even part of a video game team that translates games that never made it out of Japan. I could kill hours and days having fun with the above, and when the night comes round a nice cold pint in my local pub is the icing on the cake.

He doesn't seem to have such hobbies, though I reminded him that he loves to cook new recipes, he enjoys playing piano, and he enjoys reading. But he said he doesn't feel invested in them and feels like he doesn't have anything he's interested in, which is why he drinks at home on his own.

What can I do? I just want him to be happy. I would be happy to go tee-total if he felt alcohol was a problem, as I love him and just want him to find things he is passionate about in live. We all have them, I told him. But for some people, it takes a little more trying new things to find the thing they truly care about.

Final note: when I hit preview question, most of the "similar questions" are depression related... Could it be that, and how would I broach it?
posted by Lewnatic to Human Relations (18 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
 
It does sound like something a depressed person would say, but that's not enough to go on yet.

Do *you* have other hobbies? Ask your partner if he'd be willing to do some of them with you. See how it goes.

And if not, think of some things you could do together, then do them. See how that works out.
posted by kevinbelt at 8:27 AM on July 13, 2020 [2 favorites]


What can I do?

Encourage him to find purpose and goals and activities and diversions that make him happy; if that's not an option for him, encourage him to get help for whatever is preventing it (physical or mental health, perhaps).

I just want him to be happy.

You can't make him happy. It's not your job, it only works temporarily, and it ends up breeding resentment on both sides.

Your question to him was vague though. If you want to do different things together, think about what you would like to do with him and invite him along. Don't get distracted by "he won't like this" or "he'll only do this once" or whatever. You are responsible for your happiness so choose things you want to do; he is responsible for his happiness.
posted by headnsouth at 8:52 AM on July 13, 2020 [22 favorites]


This sounds like something you should encourage him to fix rather than trying to do it yourself.

Ask if he'd like you to spend an evening with him going through possibilities for new hobbies/clubs/meet-ups and sitting on the sofa with him while he emails/reaches out to them - that's about as much as you can do I think. Hobbies need to be things he picks himself or they're not going to stick.
posted by penguin pie at 8:53 AM on July 13, 2020 [10 favorites]


If not depression related, this feeds right back into your suggestion that you guys try some new things. He has all the tools necessary to figure out some new things to try and he is charge of his own happiness, just like you. But maybe he needs some kind of structure or motivation. Say, “okay, let’s take turns planning a non-drinking activity once a week (or a month). Let’s be open minded about what the other person plans and give it a try. Aim to do an activity we haven’t done before or don’t do often.” It doesn’t have to be something totally out there or even brand new—for example, if you typically go to the movies at night, you could instead pick an early show on a weekend and do “coffee and a movie” or whatever. (Imagining for the purposes of this question that covid will end.)
posted by sallybrown at 9:03 AM on July 13, 2020 [3 favorites]


I came here to say what headnsouth said.
posted by adamrice at 9:18 AM on July 13, 2020


It's not your job to find him things to do when you're not around. I mean that in the sense of "it is not another person's job to do this, he has to do it himself or it won't work and it won't help".

This is part of having a personality and being a well-rounded human, and you have to do it for yourself.

However, what you CAN do as a partner is encourage him to do so, help normalize it (because there's aspects of toxic masculinity here and it can feel "weird" or scary to step out of line and take care of yourself in this way), over-communicate if necessary about near-future plans and schedule so he learns to do the same and also not expect you to fill the holes.

This absolutely can be depression, but that too is on him to identify as a potential issue and pursue a solution. You can ask about it rhetorically, like "have you considered talking to your doctor" (and also "have you gone to a doctor this year?"), but it's his choice at the end of the day.

As a middle-aged person who has learned some things, I would likely not get past the initial date or two with someone who presented with no outside life of their own, because it's so difficult to not turn into the parent/executive assistant to the relationship. They seem to carry around a lack of initiative that becomes glaring if children (and/or elders requiring care) enter the picture, a standard gets set where you having any outside life is not acceptable (and the work you need to do on their behalf eats that time anyway), and any time you suggest change the response is never "you're right, let's talk about ideas and what it would look like if we did more X" and always this panicked "but but but I don't know what to dooooo (and I'm not gonna dooooo anything about it!)".

I'm not saying dump him if you're not at that point, but 100% do not try to solve this by moving in with him, merging finances, taking on a pet or child together, or you and only you presenting a series of alternate ideas that he constantly mehs at because what he really wants is status quo, except you stay over more/all the time. He needs to get some friends, find some volunteer work, join a weekly D&D Zoom game, and otherwise take ownership of his own loneliness. People need more than one acquaintance in their lives.
posted by Lyn Never at 9:19 AM on July 13, 2020 [18 favorites]


Your partner sounds depressed, could benefit from professional help, and should probably be told that by someone (not necessarily you).
posted by aramaic at 9:27 AM on July 13, 2020


It is not really clear whether the problem for you is that he drinks too much overall, or whether you just want to do different things as a couple, as was the original issue you brought up with him. I mean: getting in a rut of going to bars is something the two of you can fix together, without touching the problem of how he drinks alone at other times because he's lonely and bored. That's got nothing to do with why he drinks when he's with you, because he's not alone and bored when he's with you. He can drink himself to sleep every night alone, and still go to parks and play games (or whatever) sober when he's with you--right?

I mean, you asked him what he thought about doing other activities with you, and he changed the conversation to be about what he does alone. This is either an irrelevant distraction -- he's his own man, if drinking is his only private hobby, so be it -- or an urgent attempt to communicate to you that he's an alcoholic and wants to talk it through. What it definitely isn't, though, is a response to your concern about couple activities. Are you ok just dropping your own concern like this, and refocusing your attention on just him?

The other thing is that if all your own hobbies are private solitary ones, this is not much help in coming up with new non-drinking couple activities; you may both have equal trouble thinking of non-boring things to do together at first. lying around talking and watching television sober is a perfectly good start, though.

The one way his own personal hobbies are relevant in all this is that having private interests gives you something to talk to your partner about. If he feels like he isn't an entertaining companion without the assistance of drinks, that is something he can fix by doing, reading, or thinking interesting things when alone, that he can then talk to you about later.
posted by queenofbithynia at 9:56 AM on July 13, 2020 [6 favorites]


Your partner definitely sounds depressed and I think it is worth it to get evaluated at least.

Is going to the bar a social activity or a drinking activity? Because it is possible to do one without the other.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 10:36 AM on July 13, 2020 [1 favorite]


I have this problem. It's largely in my experience a mental health issue, but it's also a certain amount of societal pressure to have 'appropriate' hobbies like team sports or performing music or building stuff. Being poor and introverted makes one tend to be shit out of luck with lots of them.

For me it helps to practice some good old self-care and give myself permission to have dumb hobbies. Collect stuff. Play games. Join a dorky fandom (careful with that one.) Get a bike or a cheap motorcycle. You gotta free yourself from the chains of actually accomplishing things or learning useful skills.

My wife is a triple black-belt master at this and I love that about her. She'll happily knit a harry potter themed plant cozy. She connects with people on twitter and swaps post cards from all the over globe. She'll sew her own clothes and make a day out of walking around taking photos in them. This is absolutely a form of self-care for her and her mental state depends on staying busy with lots of low-pressure kinds of projects.
posted by misterdaniel at 11:02 AM on July 13, 2020 [7 favorites]


Hey, this is hard. When I was dating/living with my first boyfriend right out of college, I was in grad school while he had a full time job. We had a hard time finding shared activities outside of his apartment because I really liked staying in and he really liked going out. For me, the issue was that I was very shy, and wasn't sure how to connect with his friends. It made me really embarrassed. Eventually we broke up, and while it wasn't the main reason behind our split, our mismatch in what we wanted to do activity wise was definitely a factor. The thing was that I did have hobbies and I wanted to share them with him -- it just... Didn't happen because he wanted me to share them with other people, too.

I wonder if your partner also feels insecure and shy, and needs the alcohol to take some of the edge off of those feelings. It does sound like he's depressed if he's drinking at home to stave off loneliness (though that's a way to feel even more lonely sometimes.) Is that a topic you could broach with him?
posted by Kitchen Witch at 11:31 AM on July 13, 2020 [1 favorite]


I find it interesting that you asked a question, and he didn't bother to answer you.

You asked what could both of you do together besides drink. He answered that *he* has no hobbies, *he* gets lonely, and *he* drinks while he's home alone.

It seems to me that he could have responded in all sorts of different ways to what you said:
Do you have any other ideas/something else *we* could do?
Why don't you plan something else for *us*?
How about if *we* take turns reading together or making music, something that is part of my hobby set?

or even
What's wrong with *us* going out together together to eat/listen to music/play shuffleboard/socialize with friends and having drinks?

Maybe he is depressed, I wouldn't know. But I do think he's pretty self-centered with his answer, and seems to like to drink a lot, either alone or with you.

I don't blame you for wanting to do something else besides the same ol' same ol' with alcohol. Maybe you need to shake it up a bit and see if you can have fun together without the booze. If not, then there may be other questions to ask....
posted by BlueHorse at 1:34 PM on July 13, 2020 [4 favorites]


I hear you, this sucks, and I say that as someone who's kind of been on both sides of this struggle in relationships. Is this really about him wanting hobbies or social outlets? Because one doesn't necessarily stand in for the other.

It sounds like his thing is that drinking enables his social life. And let's be fair, that's common if not ideal. This goes beyond the idea of pressure to have 'culturally acceptable' hobbies. If what he's looking for is something that connects him to other people (particularly people other than you), it's understandable that he might be a bit meh about solitary hobbies. Even moreso if he's someone who hasn't until now needed active hobby participation to have a social life.

There are people who place little value on hobbies beyond their role in connecting them to other people, and if he's one of them, it sort of makes sense that he wouldn't have hobbies if going to the pub was enough to maintain the social life he wants. All of this raises some questions as to what, if anything, he's doing to maintain his friendships without drinking.

So where I'm going with this is:
(1) Be careful not to make this situation about how he spends his time with you beyond cutting down on drinking together.
(2) Encourage him to find new ways to spend time with other people, including what you two can do together as shared hobbies, with bonus points for things that connect you to a broader community.
(3) Perhaps don't encourage him to pursue solo hobbies if he's primarily struggling with with loneliness. If stepping back from pub culture is interfering with his social life, then he might need to prioritize How To Friend moreso than how to keep himself busy alone.
posted by blerghamot at 2:35 PM on July 13, 2020 [3 favorites]


I've always been very curious and interested in doing new things so YMMV. But I turned a corner away from internet browsing and towards new hobbies about five years ago when I got instagram. I started noticing what it was about the random photos and hashtags that I was interested in or drawn to - and started trying to fake that in my own life.

Pictures of beautiful sunsets? Maybe I should go outside in the evening.
Beautifully plated food? I'll try that recipe tonight, it looks easy.
Hand-crafted leather work? I'll look that up on youtube.

I've also found an incredibly helpful process of *watching boring youtube videos.* I probably watched 10 hours of Cracking the Cryptic before I downloaded a sudoku app. Probably a hundred hours of Biffa plays indie games before installing Cities Skylines. And all those hours of watching restoration videos have made my household repairs much better.

One thing is, for me, I don't learn as much watching "instructional" videos as I do watching "Descriptive" videos, where the expert records the entire process and talks through the decisions they are making.
posted by rebent at 3:42 PM on July 13, 2020 [2 favorites]


For most people, the point of pursuing a hobby or other interest is sharing the fun with others. So I tend to think the real problem is the loneliness, or maybe something else of which the loneliness is a symptom. I have a bit of the same issue myself, but I'm saved because my hobby (sailboat racing) is not one that's easy to do in a vacuum.

I'm also pulled out of my shell a little because I take flute lessons, and I value them a lot for the fun of it. This has me wondering if your partner would like some sort of recreational/ educational classes. Certainly possible with either piano or cooking. Cooking skills can also be used for various volunteer work.
posted by SemiSalt at 6:29 PM on July 13, 2020


So...the way this struck me was that he has interpreted your suggestion as an attack on his drinking habits and that's why it shifted to his having nothing to do. People are often told to frame "you have a problem" type issues to their partners as "let's do this other thing together," and maybe that's what he thinks you're saying. So he's defensive -- "well of course I drink, what else am I going to do?"

If that's not what you're after then I think you'd do better to frame it as something YOU would like to do, which it IS. Just be honest: "hey I don't wanna go to the pub all the time. I wanna do xyz. And I want you to think of some things too."

But I have to say, I sympathize with him. I don't actually have any hobbies either, though I exercise daily as a sort of mental health maintenance (I don't call it a hobby because I've heard you're supposed to enjoy hobbies, and I HATE exercising).

Mostly if I'm alone I just work longer hours or dick around on the internet. Sometimes I will have a tv show "project." When I go out, I'd infinitely rather be at a bar with my friends than doing most other stuff. When people suggest other things, I go along with it, but it's pretty much never what I'd want to do, and I'd certainly never think of it on my own.

Am I depressed? Almost certainly. But I'm not always depressed, and I am always just kind of a fuckaround, who doesn't wanna do a whole lot. My solution to this has historically been to date partners who have very absorbing lives and solo hobbies or, alternately, partners who mostly wanna just dick around at the bar also. Anything else seems like it puts way too much pressure and emotional work on one person.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 7:29 PM on July 13, 2020 [4 favorites]


Mod note: Comment updated to correct an accidental misgendering, couple replies addressing that removed. Be sure to take care not to assume gender identities when the question doesn't specify them.
posted by cortex (staff) at 4:30 PM on July 15, 2020


I made a comment about how we drink quite a bit when we're together and maybe we should try having fun without alcohol, in the prospect of getting healthy / in shape. He responded by saying he felt like he had no hobbies, and when I'm not staying at his flat, he gets really lonely.

Not sure if anyone else has mentioned this, but since so many people are social distancing now I think the context of whether he was lonely and whether he had any hobbies in the beforetimes is relevant. If you are socializing in bars (I can't imagine wanting to do this now), maybe he is at least a little bit extroverted.

Some people have friends, but their friends aren't interested in Zoom socializing, or are following strict social distancing protocols. OK I'm talking about myself here -- but there are some things I used to do that don't feel like "hobbies I have" anymore, like tabletop games, camping with friends, and uh... I'm struggling to come up with examples but I know I used to go out and do more stuff. It's just all so irrelevant now, events and things that aren't even possible to participate in any more, and it makes me a bit sad to think of it all. That said, I just happened to have done more solitary hobbies in the past so I went back to those.

I don't think that just because someone feels they have no hobbies now, or is feeling really lonely now, means something deeper about who they are as a person. Many people have hobbies that they can't do now, and friends they can't see now.

Try suggesting some new things you can do together -- it seems like you said you wanted to do other things for fun, but have not suggested anything. He didn't respond with any ideas, but it's not like he has had time to come up with anything. You talk about you solitary hobbies but don't seem to have any hobbies you might want to do together -- *someone* is going to have to come up with an idea if you are going to do something different for fun, and you are the one who wants to stop doing what you have been doing up to this point so maybe you could come up with some ideas.

(It's possible that all this is entirely off base, as your life sounds so different than the lives of anyone I know -- you went to a bar!? And ordered drinks?? In my world bars are places with boarded up windows that artists paint on... And you are going out with family and friends to do this? Utter fantasy!)
posted by yohko at 6:57 PM on July 15, 2020


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