Does my friend have social anxiety or is this something more?
July 8, 2020 8:53 PM Subscribe
Should I check on my friend or just wait for him to get in touch with me?
I've known my friend since 3rd grade (we're both in our early 30s), he was living 7 hours away until 1-2 years ago when he moved back home. I, have social anxieties and the longer I go without seeing someone or seeing someone for the first time the more nervous and overwhelmed I get to the point that I sometimes run or just don't show up and make up lame excuses to the people that don't understand.
The reason I'm explaining all this is when he first moved back he asked me to hang out and I panicked and ran in the opposite direction because I hadn't seen him in 14 years (since we graduated high school). I reached out to him, apologized and explained and he said he understood because he's the same way.
He asked me to hang out twice last week and I had to decline because I had to finish my homework and then it was my dad's birthday so I offered a different day and time and he was really excited about it. We talked about what we were going to do, etc...I hadn't heard from him Sunday so I thought i'd text and just make sure he still wanted to hang out and if he wanted me to meet him somewhere. He never replied, Tuesday came and went, and today still nothing.
I can recognize when I personally have anxieties, but I honestly am not 100% positive that that's what happened here even though he has told me he gets that way too. I'm really just worried about him at this point. Should I just leave it and wait to see if he texts or says anything?
I've known my friend since 3rd grade (we're both in our early 30s), he was living 7 hours away until 1-2 years ago when he moved back home. I, have social anxieties and the longer I go without seeing someone or seeing someone for the first time the more nervous and overwhelmed I get to the point that I sometimes run or just don't show up and make up lame excuses to the people that don't understand.
The reason I'm explaining all this is when he first moved back he asked me to hang out and I panicked and ran in the opposite direction because I hadn't seen him in 14 years (since we graduated high school). I reached out to him, apologized and explained and he said he understood because he's the same way.
He asked me to hang out twice last week and I had to decline because I had to finish my homework and then it was my dad's birthday so I offered a different day and time and he was really excited about it. We talked about what we were going to do, etc...I hadn't heard from him Sunday so I thought i'd text and just make sure he still wanted to hang out and if he wanted me to meet him somewhere. He never replied, Tuesday came and went, and today still nothing.
I can recognize when I personally have anxieties, but I honestly am not 100% positive that that's what happened here even though he has told me he gets that way too. I'm really just worried about him at this point. Should I just leave it and wait to see if he texts or says anything?
I'm like this too.
Makes sense that it would be a bit tricky to arrange your first meeting after so many years. Maybe it could work better as a kind of sudden less-planned thing - "hey are you free at 3pm? let's meet at ${wherever}" because you'll both have little time to talk yourselves out of it with anxiety.
In the meantime I might send a short no-pressure message like "hey, sorry we missed each other yesterday" - because anything even remotely like "OMG where are you are you OKAAAYYYY ??" would freak the crap out of me, for one.
posted by rd45 at 2:17 AM on July 9, 2020 [6 favorites]
Makes sense that it would be a bit tricky to arrange your first meeting after so many years. Maybe it could work better as a kind of sudden less-planned thing - "hey are you free at 3pm? let's meet at ${wherever}" because you'll both have little time to talk yourselves out of it with anxiety.
In the meantime I might send a short no-pressure message like "hey, sorry we missed each other yesterday" - because anything even remotely like "OMG where are you are you OKAAAYYYY ??" would freak the crap out of me, for one.
posted by rd45 at 2:17 AM on July 9, 2020 [6 favorites]
Could be anxiety; could be a personal emergency; could be that he forgot what day it is (that has been happening to me a LOT). Could be a lot of things, and reaching out in a friendly way is the right response to all of them.
posted by gideonfrog at 4:45 AM on July 9, 2020 [2 favorites]
posted by gideonfrog at 4:45 AM on July 9, 2020 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: @rd45: I think where it has been so long since I've hung out with anyone I forgot
about telling myself to do less planned outings years earlier. I think that may be
what he was trying to do by randomly asking me if I was busy on different days
but I had to decline both of those because I was busy. I'll try and come up with something
to say and message him, kind've similar to what you suggested.
Thank you!
posted by earthquakeglue at 8:35 AM on July 9, 2020 [2 favorites]
about telling myself to do less planned outings years earlier. I think that may be
what he was trying to do by randomly asking me if I was busy on different days
but I had to decline both of those because I was busy. I'll try and come up with something
to say and message him, kind've similar to what you suggested.
Thank you!
posted by earthquakeglue at 8:35 AM on July 9, 2020 [2 favorites]
It could be that maybe they thought you were just being polite and didnt really want to see them. Or that they were feeling mentally overwhelmed or too emotionally exhausted for social interaction. I like the suggestion above.
Whenever an old work colleague wanted to have lunch, it was pretty low-key which I appreciated. Such as, "Hey, do you have time to grab a latte tomorrow afternoon?" or "Are you around this week? Wanna meet me at [place] at lunchtime?"
I really appreciated that they asked and it didnt seem so written in stone and it was in a way that I felt I could say no or I was busy if it was too much for me.Then, when I felt up for it, I would reach out. Funnily enough, there were a few times we didnt talk for months and then another message would pop up and I'd breathe a sigh of relief thinking they didnt hate me and I didnt completely embarass myself or say something to make them not like me anymore. Good luck!
posted by VyanSelei at 11:15 AM on July 10, 2020
Whenever an old work colleague wanted to have lunch, it was pretty low-key which I appreciated. Such as, "Hey, do you have time to grab a latte tomorrow afternoon?" or "Are you around this week? Wanna meet me at [place] at lunchtime?"
I really appreciated that they asked and it didnt seem so written in stone and it was in a way that I felt I could say no or I was busy if it was too much for me.Then, when I felt up for it, I would reach out. Funnily enough, there were a few times we didnt talk for months and then another message would pop up and I'd breathe a sigh of relief thinking they didnt hate me and I didnt completely embarass myself or say something to make them not like me anymore. Good luck!
posted by VyanSelei at 11:15 AM on July 10, 2020
Response by poster: @VyanSelei: I think I've started to realize that I need to make plans this way instead of planning a week or more in advance. There's less chance of me or anyone else that may be feeling like me to bolt.
Usually, I wait for the person to come back around on their own because I know with me I feel embarrassed, or I feel bad like I'm letting the person down for not showing up. I still may just send him a short message so he knows I was thinking of him if I don't hear from him by Monday.
posted by earthquakeglue at 3:09 PM on July 10, 2020 [1 favorite]
Usually, I wait for the person to come back around on their own because I know with me I feel embarrassed, or I feel bad like I'm letting the person down for not showing up. I still may just send him a short message so he knows I was thinking of him if I don't hear from him by Monday.
posted by earthquakeglue at 3:09 PM on July 10, 2020 [1 favorite]
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posted by Lady Li at 11:32 PM on July 8, 2020