Next Steps in a Friendship?
July 5, 2020 2:54 PM Subscribe
I had conversation yesterday with a long time friend of mine who is in a highly visible position of public trust. During this discussion about Black Lives Matter, I discovered that they are probably a racist. Now what?
My friend made several comments including Black people should be profiled on public highways "because they're the ones bringing drugs into our state" and Black Lives Matter because all lives matter. They also said that they can't be a racist because they practice inclusion in their hiring and they have frequent discussions about race with people of color on various boards they serve on . I ended the discussion with a question. "Assuming the principles of Black Lives Matter are true, what would they have to change about how they operate professionally? Their answer was " nothing".
My friend made several comments including Black people should be profiled on public highways "because they're the ones bringing drugs into our state" and Black Lives Matter because all lives matter. They also said that they can't be a racist because they practice inclusion in their hiring and they have frequent discussions about race with people of color on various boards they serve on . I ended the discussion with a question. "Assuming the principles of Black Lives Matter are true, what would they have to change about how they operate professionally? Their answer was " nothing".
Well, they don't _want_ to be racist. They are probably a good audience for sending the right explanation materials.
I also have found (finally) a reasonable/fairly short course diversity (which included new items relevant to BLM, unconscious bias, etc.) on the Traliant web site. It's $25 per person, and you (and your friend) can take it as an individual. Probably worth spreading around.
Here's a link. I'm only about 75% sure this is the right course; after I signed up for a free trial, I got a separate e-mail listing the material I really wanted as a separate item with an announcement of it.
posted by amtho at 3:55 PM on July 5, 2020 [1 favorite]
I also have found (finally) a reasonable/fairly short course diversity (which included new items relevant to BLM, unconscious bias, etc.) on the Traliant web site. It's $25 per person, and you (and your friend) can take it as an individual. Probably worth spreading around.
Here's a link. I'm only about 75% sure this is the right course; after I signed up for a free trial, I got a separate e-mail listing the material I really wanted as a separate item with an announcement of it.
posted by amtho at 3:55 PM on July 5, 2020 [1 favorite]
I have seen friends/family who are at that point on the spectrum of racism (accept that racism is real but deny its influence on them, and not understand systemic racism or why discrimination like racial profiling is broadly harmful and incorrect) shift their beliefs over time. A couple of these people went from considering Black Lives Matter a radical/dangerous slogan in 2015 to marching in the protests this spring. For that reason I continue to engage, and also because it’s work I can do as a white person. Continue to give detailed arguments and explanations, because they stick with these people even if they disagree or reject them right away. What often resonated was me saying “I think of you as a thoughtful and intelligent person, but the things you’re saying sound really ignorant, and besides that they’re just factually wrong. Do you really even believe this stuff, or do you just like feeling politically incorrect? Because you sound out of touch and old, not cool and rebellious.”
However, the big thing that’s different here is your friend’s influence. It sounds like they (and thus their beliefs) might have a big impact on other people’s lives. Maybe then you worry more about enabling this behavior. Maybe it’s less worth patiently waiting for change and more about making a strong statement with them: “Knowing how much power and responsibility you have in life, it makes me feel sick to hear you say such ignorant stuff. I don’t want to be associated with someone in a position of power who supports racial profiling because of beliefs that aren’t even factually accurate. You say these things so casually but they’re deadly serious, and I can’t help wanting to step away from our friendship because of it. Do you actually believe the things you said?”
posted by sallybrown at 4:51 PM on July 5, 2020 [12 favorites]
However, the big thing that’s different here is your friend’s influence. It sounds like they (and thus their beliefs) might have a big impact on other people’s lives. Maybe then you worry more about enabling this behavior. Maybe it’s less worth patiently waiting for change and more about making a strong statement with them: “Knowing how much power and responsibility you have in life, it makes me feel sick to hear you say such ignorant stuff. I don’t want to be associated with someone in a position of power who supports racial profiling because of beliefs that aren’t even factually accurate. You say these things so casually but they’re deadly serious, and I can’t help wanting to step away from our friendship because of it. Do you actually believe the things you said?”
posted by sallybrown at 4:51 PM on July 5, 2020 [12 favorites]
Tell the truth about what you think and how you feel.
I could write you a few pages of details (except they would be my thoughts and not yours, and anyway, you don't need a script.)
If this is bothering you to the point where you're asking a question about it, you must already disagree with this person and know where they're wrong. So tell them. Don't script out an emotional attitude to display or set of tactics; don't bring them a reading list, don't organize your talking points unless you know you are the kind of person who can't focus when they're upset. don't pretend not to be shocked by things that are shocking.
don't treat them like fine glasswear that will shatter at a touch of honesty. don't be gentle and oh so careful with someone who's an adult and as smart as you, more or less. don't treat their attacks and slurs against black people as other than what they are. tell them what you know to be true and tell them your honest reactions to what they said. just say it.
also--coming back to this subject later, after they maybe thought it was finished, to explain how you had to go away and think about what they'd said because it was so upsetting, might surprise them into receptivity. But it probably won't. say it anyway.
posted by queenofbithynia at 5:47 PM on July 5, 2020 [6 favorites]
I could write you a few pages of details (except they would be my thoughts and not yours, and anyway, you don't need a script.)
If this is bothering you to the point where you're asking a question about it, you must already disagree with this person and know where they're wrong. So tell them. Don't script out an emotional attitude to display or set of tactics; don't bring them a reading list, don't organize your talking points unless you know you are the kind of person who can't focus when they're upset. don't pretend not to be shocked by things that are shocking.
don't treat them like fine glasswear that will shatter at a touch of honesty. don't be gentle and oh so careful with someone who's an adult and as smart as you, more or less. don't treat their attacks and slurs against black people as other than what they are. tell them what you know to be true and tell them your honest reactions to what they said. just say it.
also--coming back to this subject later, after they maybe thought it was finished, to explain how you had to go away and think about what they'd said because it was so upsetting, might surprise them into receptivity. But it probably won't. say it anyway.
posted by queenofbithynia at 5:47 PM on July 5, 2020 [6 favorites]
Yes, they're racist. I mean we all are in different ways so it's more about being mindful and constantly challenging ourselves to question ourselves and others, and to challenge ourselves to be better every day. A lot of the people in power, including liberals, are quite racist (or at least complicit) but spend more time trying to appear woke than actually becoming more woke.
It sounds like you tried to discuss this with your friend but they weren't open to it. I think there are two options, since you asked for our advice on the next steps. You can either end the friendship, after a conversation or slow fade, or you can continue the friendship with the hopes that you'll open their mind more through your discussions.
As a teacher, I see teens as incredibly open because they are. I put in a lot of effort and time into this type of social justice education but it's totally worth it. Adults are less so until they choose to do the work. I'll call people out on their bullshit but I'm also not ready to do the work of convincing friends who are ignorant, either they're openminded or not. There's a lot of room for growth and flexibility! However, sometimes too much is too much. But most of my friends and I share the same beliefs, and my family, too, so I'm lucky. I have so much respect for the white people I know from conservative backgrounds, who are fighting so hard against the bullshit from family and friends on their social media, at cookouts, etc. They are doing hard, important work!
Lately I've reevaluated my friendships and ended some. Now I have more time for myself and supporting better friends -- and working for the causes I believe in. I didn't realize how much time and energy I was putting into "managing" the lesser friends until I stepped away. You have my "permission" to step away if that's what you need. Maybe they'll come around on their own but probably not; your encouragement may help but won't probably change them much. Fortunately, there are plenty of others who are open and whose friendship might be a better match. You can support candidates and community members who are more aware and inclusive and help them achieve places of power.
There's no right or wrong answer on what to do next: it's what your gut tells you. I hope you can hear it more now!
posted by smorgasbord at 5:15 AM on July 6, 2020 [1 favorite]
It sounds like you tried to discuss this with your friend but they weren't open to it. I think there are two options, since you asked for our advice on the next steps. You can either end the friendship, after a conversation or slow fade, or you can continue the friendship with the hopes that you'll open their mind more through your discussions.
As a teacher, I see teens as incredibly open because they are. I put in a lot of effort and time into this type of social justice education but it's totally worth it. Adults are less so until they choose to do the work. I'll call people out on their bullshit but I'm also not ready to do the work of convincing friends who are ignorant, either they're openminded or not. There's a lot of room for growth and flexibility! However, sometimes too much is too much. But most of my friends and I share the same beliefs, and my family, too, so I'm lucky. I have so much respect for the white people I know from conservative backgrounds, who are fighting so hard against the bullshit from family and friends on their social media, at cookouts, etc. They are doing hard, important work!
Lately I've reevaluated my friendships and ended some. Now I have more time for myself and supporting better friends -- and working for the causes I believe in. I didn't realize how much time and energy I was putting into "managing" the lesser friends until I stepped away. You have my "permission" to step away if that's what you need. Maybe they'll come around on their own but probably not; your encouragement may help but won't probably change them much. Fortunately, there are plenty of others who are open and whose friendship might be a better match. You can support candidates and community members who are more aware and inclusive and help them achieve places of power.
There's no right or wrong answer on what to do next: it's what your gut tells you. I hope you can hear it more now!
posted by smorgasbord at 5:15 AM on July 6, 2020 [1 favorite]
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posted by Jubey at 3:27 PM on July 5, 2020