How to deprogram one's own mind?

July 3, 2020 12:24 PM

Hi there, me again. Seeking resources to undo brainwashing, gaslighting, the confusion of that sort of toxic dynamic. Checklists on trauma bonding, cognitive dissonance etc.

I don't generally like to label people but I believe I've been victimized and manipulated pretty significantly and I won't be able to move forward effectively without regularly reminding myself of the reality of the situation I am in. I have a problem with basically gaslighting myself into believing my partner's version of things, doubting my understanding of what's wrong with my relationship. I need to train myself to stop doing that. I have this nagging feeling that I really was just overly demanding, my expectations were too high, I pushed him away, I'm really just crazy and finally became too much trouble. That sort of thing. I honestly have no idea what's true anymore as everything has been so twisted.

I have a T, and will be seeking a new one that specializes in psycholigical abuse/covert narcissism/APD traits, but in the meantime I need other things to read/think about, worksheets to complete, search terms to Google etc. I found Dr. Armani's YouTube channel. I am in a couple of support groups and have a few friends that have made themselves available to continue telling me things like "wanting your partner to pull their own weight financially and be willing to discuss problems is normal and reasonable."

I need to detox and deprogram myself and I figure the hive mind probably knows some good resources for me. Placing this in health and fitness as the focus is on restoring mental wholeness.

posted by crunchy potato to Health & Fitness (10 answers total)

You might be interested in the M.E.A.N. Workbook: https://loveandabuse.com/

Also Margalis Fjelstad's 'Healing From a Narcissistic Relationship' book which has exercises you can do and some discussion of divorce.
posted by zdravo at 12:32 PM on July 3, 2020 [4 favorites]

I was reading about trauma bonding for myself and came across this article that felt helpful to remind me of a past situation that continues to affect me. There are also a list of references at the bottom that may be good resources to seek out and see if they fit your needs. This book -- The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships -- on that list seems to have a lot of positive reviews.
posted by pdxhiker at 12:33 PM on July 3, 2020 [3 favorites]

I think one thing to consider is if you grew up in a family or environment where your own experience was fragmented or discontinuous for various reasons (some examples would be a parent whose version of reality was fluid, or a dissociative/depersonalized context) then part of your "survival toolkit" probably was developing a fluid sense of narrative. So for example, if you have a parent where you're the "good girl" sometimes and the "bad girl" sometimes and that relates to their narcissistic supply and not really to your own behaviour, sometimes it makes you really, really doubt your own experience.

So...I know you have a lot on your plate but the #1 thing that helped with this for me was a daily, every. single. day., journal. Nothing fancy, but a note of anything significant that happened that day. (For a while I did this in a locked LJ.) Then I got in the habit of reading back about once a week. As one extreme example, during this time I was setting some boundaries with my mother, which I duly noted. She insisted on several occasions that we had never had conversations that I had noted, not just once but multiple times and in relatively unforgettable settings.

The thing that journalling like that gave me was not just documentation, but doing it made connections in my brain that grew, so that I didn't have to pause and go back and read it but I was more confident in my own memories or versions of things, even just enough to halt a big derail by saying "I don't remember it that way." (Which, as someone dissociative, was a really big deal to be able to say.)
posted by warriorqueen at 1:06 PM on July 3, 2020 [21 favorites]

Also, wanting your partner to pull their own weight financially and be willing to discuss problems is normal and reasonable.
posted by warriorqueen at 1:19 PM on July 3, 2020 [16 favorites]

I downloaded this as a kindle book and it's actually really good despite the sensationalized title. I think it would help anyone trying to reclaim themselves after an abusive relationship, whether than person was a narcissist or not: How to Kill A Narcissist.
posted by kitcat at 1:36 PM on July 3, 2020 [3 favorites]

I wrote down a list of all the things my abuser did to me in a notebook and then reread some of them whenever I thought to myself that I was the problem. Just a factual list of things he did and said to me. I added to the list when I remembered new things. Spoiler alert: I was never the problem.
posted by k8lin at 2:57 PM on July 3, 2020 [12 favorites]

Something I've found helpful from being in some situations that have some commonalities with yours is learning more about attachment styles. It's not directly relevant to gaslighting and manipulation per se, but understanding how my relationship patterns made me vulnerable to (and contribute to) those dynamics was so, so helpful in recognising them and ceasing to buy into them.

Sue Johnson has written several good books on this, but the two my therapist recommended are "The love secret" and "Hold me tight" (I know the titles are hideous, but they are good books, I swear).
posted by phoenix_courage at 5:50 PM on July 3, 2020 [2 favorites]

I want to clarify that when I talk about contributing to the patterns, I don't mean you caused them or at fault here at all. Just that -- well, it helped me a lot to understand why I gaslight myself so much and why I so readily subordinate my needs to the needs of another person. That did a lot to help me recognise and stop those patterns from happening again. You might find the same is true for you.
posted by phoenix_courage at 6:07 PM on July 3, 2020 [1 favorite]

I found Healing From Hidden Abuse helpful for dealing with similar issues. It helped me understand a lot of the things that happened in a relationship. It also has a series of journaling prompts.
I will also second what warriorqueen said about journaling. I found it useful for a lot of reasons, both keeping a record that I could refer to of the reality as I had experienced it and also for seeing growth as I understood what I had experienced and moved forward. It is not easy to move on from things like this and I am glad to see that you have a lot of support.
posted by arachnidette at 6:14 PM on July 3, 2020 [1 favorite]

Although it's a book about relationships between a child and parents, I think Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents is a good read, and it includes examples about relationships, as well as questions to ask yourself.

An often recommended website is Get out of the Fog which is for people who have/had relationships with those with personality disorders.

Reddit's community Just NO Family has a list of books under "healing" and "abuse" that you might find helpful.

Reddit's CPTSD community also has a list of books including a number of worksheets.
posted by Ms. Moonlight at 10:37 AM on July 4, 2020 [1 favorite]