I need help navigating pandemic work woes as a WOC
July 1, 2020 11:45 AM Subscribe
I am working in a tech startup, with a management comprised of white men. I am the only woman in the company, and one of three people in colour. How can I stand up for myself with dignity and express the harms I've been experiencing, without jeopardising my future? Or...is time to leave?
I deeply apologise if this is very long.
This pandemic has brought so much agony in my life. I have been having a really tough time lately, and I am at a loss on what to do:
1. I am single, in my 30s. I live alone in another city away from my family of origin. This is my decision, but is partly emboldened because my employer made a commitment to support my housing expenses. To be clear, I can support myself with my savings, but the aid enabled me to choose a safer neighbourhood with running water.
2. A month into the lockdown, I was suddenly informed that they will stop that support because the physical office had to close down. The recession has also impacted the business, which I understand. This gave me sleepless nights because I have carefully planned all my expenses until the end of the year to include that aid, but I was determined to make it work.
3. I have a work-from-home arrangement even before the quarantine. But the company has been processing my papers to get me to them where they are, which is the Big Opportunity for me. I have been with this company for six years now. If I have to dip into my savings that I have put away for the Big Opportunity, then I had no choice, because I have to survive at this time. If I have to eat two times a day instead of three, then that's what I've been doing.
4. About two months ago, a close family member contracted COVID-19. About three weeks ago, another family member died.
5. I am still processing through my grief. I asked for a week off that same week that my family member died, but that's just to help with cremation arrangements etc because the elders can’t go out since they’re senior citizens. So I had no time to really grieve. And the following week after that I immediately returned to work because I am needed.
6. Obviously I am not at the top of my game, and for the past two weeks Colleague #1 has been on my case because I have been "inconsistent." I’m so stressed I’ve been having more panic attacks than usual. I’ve really been having a hard time working and even just thinking—but I just try my best because I am anxious that my "underperformance" will cause serious repercussions to my standing in the company, i.e. I've been recently told I'm "underutilised as it is." (To note: since the office closed, a lot of remote teams have also been shut down, and now I am doing the work of a whole team.)
7. I just do not feel healthy anymore, physically, mentally, and emotionally. I’ve been sleeping very late just to finish my deadlines, the other day 1AM, and then 1PM the next day…That’s all I do. Work, little sleep, work.
8. Apart from the panic attacks, the grief, and the financial difficulties, I am currently in the depression stage of Bipolar Type I. I do what is asked of me, and whenever I feel I haven't lived up to expectations, I am quick to show my contrition and always thank them for their patience and kindness. Nevertheless, each time I try to explain myself, I also feel that they’re thinking I’m making excuses. These days whenever I have to apologise for everything, I feel am also invalidating my own truths. I do not know how else to explain it other than I feel I have less dignity lately.
9. There is also tension in the building where I live now. There's been some infighting amongst residents because there are people who do not want to wear masks, even when the other day our neighbourhood was declared as high-risk because the rising number of COVID-19 cases has been severe and alarming.
10. I was also reprimanded by the CEO for "lack of communication." There was one day in particular that I wasn't able to answer my C#1's messages when I had a severe reaction to my new meds. My usual meds for my bipolar is out of stock, and my doctor changed it to something else. I was so adamant to have something help me cope with daily life and work I agreed to it so I can be functional, but I ended up having very rapid heartbeat that I was unable to move for a whole day. I thought I was going to die. I couldn’t even ask for help, I was far away from my phone. And when I was finally well enough to get up, I found out that C#1 told the CEO I was unreachable, because that's when I got the reprimand. Other than that one day, I always send updates upon updates upon updates.
11. When I tried to say again that I am going through some difficult things I get responses like “well you’ve already done X/Y/Z before so it should be fairly easy.” That kind of dismissiveness and lack of understanding and empathy is very demoralising. Also I don’t think they think about how it also takes a toll on people like me who have English as a second language. I always have to research and absorb facts and information in English. Then also write in English and make it so that I sound “white.” And yet I think in my language and have to translate them back. Not sure if that makes sense.
12. There are days when I can’t even wash the dishes and take out the trash and even that is giving me anxiety.
13. Everyone else earns more than I do even if I am on the same level. I once tried asking for a raise (when I learned that C#3, whom I was training to work under me had a higher salary) but I was reminded of the Big Opportunity that they are also spending money on. Plus they said it's a geolocation thing and I am earning enough where I live. Also apart from C#1 earning more, he gets to publish under his own name (I do not have a white-sounding name) + I edit his work before it gets published.
14. I feel like I am trapped somewhat because of the Big Opportunity—like it’s hanging over my head and I am expected to just bear everything because supposedly I am getting that in exchange, and someone like me, a WOC, should be infinitely grateful for this. C#2, who is a male POC, has been given the same opportunity and understands my sentiments because he also feels pressure to do well and work without complaints. Still he earns more than me.
15. I just got another email today about my underperformance: "I know you're having some difficulties but ___" They are asking me to do MORE. The crux of the matter is there used to be a team that does what I do. A whole TEAM of people. And now there’s just me doing the job of a whole team. I don’t think it’s fair.
16. They are also putting the pressure on me to get a move on and facilitate the process for my docs because they want me to get there ASAP. But the thing is, where I am, COVID-19 cases are increasing. Apart from the region-wide quarantine there is also a more granular, neighbourhood lockdown imposed by the respective local officials. The spread is now more aggressive, all of my friends have a relative or know someone who is infected. I do not even go out, it’s more dangerous now than a month ago, a week go. I feel I have a responsibility to myself to keep myself safe. It hurts that they are pressuring me to do something without a thought for my own safety, at the same time making me feel guilty like I am dragging my feet for this one important thing.
17. Plus it’s not easy like they think it is. As a WOC the process for me to be able to leave is different from them who have a US passport. And I am a high-risk person because I have diabetes. Going to agencies exposes me to even larger crowds where there is a very big possibility that I will get sick.
18. Moreover, C#1 decided to up and move during the pandemic to another place. I don’t know why I am asked now to bear the responsibility of the success/mobility of the office when I’m not even there yet. It’s not my fault that C#1 left a hole that needs to be filled, I feel like I am being made to bear the consequences of his actions somehow.
—
I have been thinking of leaving this job. But I am worried about my current finances most of all. I am thinking I am strong enough to start again maybe, and maybe someday I will get to travel again. Losing the Big Opportunity is a big deal though, and I am afraid I’m letting myself down if I let it go because I didn't endure and suck it up. But then again, when is enough enough? How long am I going to put up with them not treating me right, you know?
So I am just at the end of my rope. I want to talk to the CEO about all of these but I’m not sure how receptive he’ll be. I'm afraid it’ll be like one of those times from before whenever I raise an issue to him and I’m told I’m "too emotional."
I've always had to deal with male ego and white fragility. It's always been on the table for the six years I've been working with them. I’m the only woman in the company and I’m brown at that, and I have always been fighting for my place. It’s a real struggle to stand up for myself when they get defensive.
I don’t know what to do. I’m so afraid and stressed I’m in physical pain. I feel like I do not have to live like this.
—
TL;DR
How can I professionally respond to my white male employer's email about my perceived "underperformance" that wouldn't prejudice me further as a WOC trying to survive this pandemic?
Should I stay or should I go? Am I betraying myself for letting go of a Big Opportunity that for so long I have clung to as something that would change my life?
I deeply apologise if this is very long.
This pandemic has brought so much agony in my life. I have been having a really tough time lately, and I am at a loss on what to do:
1. I am single, in my 30s. I live alone in another city away from my family of origin. This is my decision, but is partly emboldened because my employer made a commitment to support my housing expenses. To be clear, I can support myself with my savings, but the aid enabled me to choose a safer neighbourhood with running water.
2. A month into the lockdown, I was suddenly informed that they will stop that support because the physical office had to close down. The recession has also impacted the business, which I understand. This gave me sleepless nights because I have carefully planned all my expenses until the end of the year to include that aid, but I was determined to make it work.
3. I have a work-from-home arrangement even before the quarantine. But the company has been processing my papers to get me to them where they are, which is the Big Opportunity for me. I have been with this company for six years now. If I have to dip into my savings that I have put away for the Big Opportunity, then I had no choice, because I have to survive at this time. If I have to eat two times a day instead of three, then that's what I've been doing.
4. About two months ago, a close family member contracted COVID-19. About three weeks ago, another family member died.
5. I am still processing through my grief. I asked for a week off that same week that my family member died, but that's just to help with cremation arrangements etc because the elders can’t go out since they’re senior citizens. So I had no time to really grieve. And the following week after that I immediately returned to work because I am needed.
6. Obviously I am not at the top of my game, and for the past two weeks Colleague #1 has been on my case because I have been "inconsistent." I’m so stressed I’ve been having more panic attacks than usual. I’ve really been having a hard time working and even just thinking—but I just try my best because I am anxious that my "underperformance" will cause serious repercussions to my standing in the company, i.e. I've been recently told I'm "underutilised as it is." (To note: since the office closed, a lot of remote teams have also been shut down, and now I am doing the work of a whole team.)
7. I just do not feel healthy anymore, physically, mentally, and emotionally. I’ve been sleeping very late just to finish my deadlines, the other day 1AM, and then 1PM the next day…That’s all I do. Work, little sleep, work.
8. Apart from the panic attacks, the grief, and the financial difficulties, I am currently in the depression stage of Bipolar Type I. I do what is asked of me, and whenever I feel I haven't lived up to expectations, I am quick to show my contrition and always thank them for their patience and kindness. Nevertheless, each time I try to explain myself, I also feel that they’re thinking I’m making excuses. These days whenever I have to apologise for everything, I feel am also invalidating my own truths. I do not know how else to explain it other than I feel I have less dignity lately.
9. There is also tension in the building where I live now. There's been some infighting amongst residents because there are people who do not want to wear masks, even when the other day our neighbourhood was declared as high-risk because the rising number of COVID-19 cases has been severe and alarming.
10. I was also reprimanded by the CEO for "lack of communication." There was one day in particular that I wasn't able to answer my C#1's messages when I had a severe reaction to my new meds. My usual meds for my bipolar is out of stock, and my doctor changed it to something else. I was so adamant to have something help me cope with daily life and work I agreed to it so I can be functional, but I ended up having very rapid heartbeat that I was unable to move for a whole day. I thought I was going to die. I couldn’t even ask for help, I was far away from my phone. And when I was finally well enough to get up, I found out that C#1 told the CEO I was unreachable, because that's when I got the reprimand. Other than that one day, I always send updates upon updates upon updates.
11. When I tried to say again that I am going through some difficult things I get responses like “well you’ve already done X/Y/Z before so it should be fairly easy.” That kind of dismissiveness and lack of understanding and empathy is very demoralising. Also I don’t think they think about how it also takes a toll on people like me who have English as a second language. I always have to research and absorb facts and information in English. Then also write in English and make it so that I sound “white.” And yet I think in my language and have to translate them back. Not sure if that makes sense.
12. There are days when I can’t even wash the dishes and take out the trash and even that is giving me anxiety.
13. Everyone else earns more than I do even if I am on the same level. I once tried asking for a raise (when I learned that C#3, whom I was training to work under me had a higher salary) but I was reminded of the Big Opportunity that they are also spending money on. Plus they said it's a geolocation thing and I am earning enough where I live. Also apart from C#1 earning more, he gets to publish under his own name (I do not have a white-sounding name) + I edit his work before it gets published.
14. I feel like I am trapped somewhat because of the Big Opportunity—like it’s hanging over my head and I am expected to just bear everything because supposedly I am getting that in exchange, and someone like me, a WOC, should be infinitely grateful for this. C#2, who is a male POC, has been given the same opportunity and understands my sentiments because he also feels pressure to do well and work without complaints. Still he earns more than me.
15. I just got another email today about my underperformance: "I know you're having some difficulties but ___" They are asking me to do MORE. The crux of the matter is there used to be a team that does what I do. A whole TEAM of people. And now there’s just me doing the job of a whole team. I don’t think it’s fair.
16. They are also putting the pressure on me to get a move on and facilitate the process for my docs because they want me to get there ASAP. But the thing is, where I am, COVID-19 cases are increasing. Apart from the region-wide quarantine there is also a more granular, neighbourhood lockdown imposed by the respective local officials. The spread is now more aggressive, all of my friends have a relative or know someone who is infected. I do not even go out, it’s more dangerous now than a month ago, a week go. I feel I have a responsibility to myself to keep myself safe. It hurts that they are pressuring me to do something without a thought for my own safety, at the same time making me feel guilty like I am dragging my feet for this one important thing.
17. Plus it’s not easy like they think it is. As a WOC the process for me to be able to leave is different from them who have a US passport. And I am a high-risk person because I have diabetes. Going to agencies exposes me to even larger crowds where there is a very big possibility that I will get sick.
18. Moreover, C#1 decided to up and move during the pandemic to another place. I don’t know why I am asked now to bear the responsibility of the success/mobility of the office when I’m not even there yet. It’s not my fault that C#1 left a hole that needs to be filled, I feel like I am being made to bear the consequences of his actions somehow.
—
I have been thinking of leaving this job. But I am worried about my current finances most of all. I am thinking I am strong enough to start again maybe, and maybe someday I will get to travel again. Losing the Big Opportunity is a big deal though, and I am afraid I’m letting myself down if I let it go because I didn't endure and suck it up. But then again, when is enough enough? How long am I going to put up with them not treating me right, you know?
So I am just at the end of my rope. I want to talk to the CEO about all of these but I’m not sure how receptive he’ll be. I'm afraid it’ll be like one of those times from before whenever I raise an issue to him and I’m told I’m "too emotional."
I've always had to deal with male ego and white fragility. It's always been on the table for the six years I've been working with them. I’m the only woman in the company and I’m brown at that, and I have always been fighting for my place. It’s a real struggle to stand up for myself when they get defensive.
I don’t know what to do. I’m so afraid and stressed I’m in physical pain. I feel like I do not have to live like this.
—
TL;DR
How can I professionally respond to my white male employer's email about my perceived "underperformance" that wouldn't prejudice me further as a WOC trying to survive this pandemic?
Should I stay or should I go? Am I betraying myself for letting go of a Big Opportunity that for so long I have clung to as something that would change my life?
Should I stay or should I go? Am I betraying myself for letting go of a Big Opportunity that for so long I have clung to as something that would change my life?
If you can, go. If Big Opportunity is the only thing that is keeping you in your job, go.
I was like you before COVID struck. Same issues, same reactions, same feelings. Tachycardia, continuous pani, depression. All work-induced. Also a foreigner in a US company (and of course paid like a foreigner while pressured to take on ALL THE WOKR, though I am white). Ultimately. I had to take sick leave and I'm not recovered yet. I feel like you too are in burnout. Or depression/ anxiety. And your work environment is making it so much worse. Distance from the toxic, if at all possible, would help you a lot.
Here are some questions for you:
1. Can you talk to a doc re. your current state of mental health? As well as how it fits in with your overall health. I had tachycardia during meetings - so basically every day and am now on beta blockers which help quite a bit.
2. Could you get sick leave? The abuse you endure at your job can never unhappen, but leave would at least keep it in check.
3. Is what you are doing now transferable? Could you start looking for another job? I know it's hard right now...
4. Are you taking care of yourself? Food, water, sleep. I'm struggling with those. Are you able to do what it takes to keep yourself fed, hydrated, rested? Could you improve on any of the ssystems you have in place for these?
5. You mention financial struggles/ existential fears. If you forget about Big Opportunity, what are your options? Any friends/ family who could help if push comes to shove? Are there any other things in place where you are if things get dire? Ex. unemployment benefit, charities, as well as other earning options etc. Makes lists with contact details and requirements. Mefites are often good at this kind of thing - if you can write what country you are in withou fear of exposure maybe Mefi can help.
Good luck. I really feel you on this one; you are not alone, though we all struggle in solitude. Reach out to Metafilter as often as you need, this place can be really supportive and generate good ideas.
posted by doggod at 1:40 PM on July 1, 2020 [4 favorites]
If you can, go. If Big Opportunity is the only thing that is keeping you in your job, go.
I was like you before COVID struck. Same issues, same reactions, same feelings. Tachycardia, continuous pani, depression. All work-induced. Also a foreigner in a US company (and of course paid like a foreigner while pressured to take on ALL THE WOKR, though I am white). Ultimately. I had to take sick leave and I'm not recovered yet. I feel like you too are in burnout. Or depression/ anxiety. And your work environment is making it so much worse. Distance from the toxic, if at all possible, would help you a lot.
Here are some questions for you:
1. Can you talk to a doc re. your current state of mental health? As well as how it fits in with your overall health. I had tachycardia during meetings - so basically every day and am now on beta blockers which help quite a bit.
2. Could you get sick leave? The abuse you endure at your job can never unhappen, but leave would at least keep it in check.
3. Is what you are doing now transferable? Could you start looking for another job? I know it's hard right now...
4. Are you taking care of yourself? Food, water, sleep. I'm struggling with those. Are you able to do what it takes to keep yourself fed, hydrated, rested? Could you improve on any of the ssystems you have in place for these?
5. You mention financial struggles/ existential fears. If you forget about Big Opportunity, what are your options? Any friends/ family who could help if push comes to shove? Are there any other things in place where you are if things get dire? Ex. unemployment benefit, charities, as well as other earning options etc. Makes lists with contact details and requirements. Mefites are often good at this kind of thing - if you can write what country you are in withou fear of exposure maybe Mefi can help.
Good luck. I really feel you on this one; you are not alone, though we all struggle in solitude. Reach out to Metafilter as often as you need, this place can be really supportive and generate good ideas.
posted by doggod at 1:40 PM on July 1, 2020 [4 favorites]
I'm sorry about the death in your family. It's a terrible time to be going through something like that. Grief is really hard and you deserve much more compassion than you're being given.
My suggestion would be to try to triage right now as you have a lot on your plate. Its natural given the circumstances if you feel overwhelmed and scared.
I would focus on your mental health first because you need to be in a good place to deal with everything that's going on. If you can try to get more sleep (its really important with Bipolar and in general), and make sure you're eating enough. Even if it takes time away from work it might make you more productive when you do work and it will definitely make you better able to handle what's going on. You've got a lot on your plate and its ok if you have to cut back on other things or focus on the hear and now for a while.
Second I would look into whether you have any options to take sick leave or other paid time off till you feel a bit better.
From reading your questions I don't think there is anything you can do to make the CEO or the company behave in a reasonable and fair manner. They seem to be demonstrating to you that they are not going to consider your wellbeing in making decision or value your work, or health, appropriately.
If the big opportunity involves immigration, or anything else where you will be tied to the company I don't think it's an opportunity you want. Given the way they are treating you now I would thank very hard about the value of any opportunity with this company especially if it puts you in a position where you depend upon the company for a visa or any other significant necessity.
This also isn't going to be the only job or opportunity you have, depression will tell you things like that which are not true. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this it isn't fair and the way you're being treated isn't right but you're clearly smart and you can get through it.
posted by SpaceWarp13 at 2:03 PM on July 1, 2020 [3 favorites]
My suggestion would be to try to triage right now as you have a lot on your plate. Its natural given the circumstances if you feel overwhelmed and scared.
I would focus on your mental health first because you need to be in a good place to deal with everything that's going on. If you can try to get more sleep (its really important with Bipolar and in general), and make sure you're eating enough. Even if it takes time away from work it might make you more productive when you do work and it will definitely make you better able to handle what's going on. You've got a lot on your plate and its ok if you have to cut back on other things or focus on the hear and now for a while.
Second I would look into whether you have any options to take sick leave or other paid time off till you feel a bit better.
From reading your questions I don't think there is anything you can do to make the CEO or the company behave in a reasonable and fair manner. They seem to be demonstrating to you that they are not going to consider your wellbeing in making decision or value your work, or health, appropriately.
If the big opportunity involves immigration, or anything else where you will be tied to the company I don't think it's an opportunity you want. Given the way they are treating you now I would thank very hard about the value of any opportunity with this company especially if it puts you in a position where you depend upon the company for a visa or any other significant necessity.
This also isn't going to be the only job or opportunity you have, depression will tell you things like that which are not true. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this it isn't fair and the way you're being treated isn't right but you're clearly smart and you can get through it.
posted by SpaceWarp13 at 2:03 PM on July 1, 2020 [3 favorites]
For a few years I stayed at a job I disliked because I had been promised a big bonus in the future, at the end of a huge project that would take many years to complete. I felt like, I have an investment here, it could be a Big Opportunity like you said. Life changing! But eventually it was the only thing keeping me there and I was so unhappy. What if something went wrong? I was working for people who weren’t very trustworthy. Or what if my life changed unexpectedly, what if I got sick? I didn’t want to have wasted years of my life stressed and anxious and unhappy. There isn’t enough time in life to be able use some of it as just “wait and bear it” time, IMO.
I found a different job that is much less stressful. It doesn’t pay as much and I had to leave the Big Opportunity on the table. I haven’t ever regretted it!! It’s so worth it to leave.
posted by sallybrown at 2:08 PM on July 1, 2020 [4 favorites]
I found a different job that is much less stressful. It doesn’t pay as much and I had to leave the Big Opportunity on the table. I haven’t ever regretted it!! It’s so worth it to leave.
posted by sallybrown at 2:08 PM on July 1, 2020 [4 favorites]
I have no understanding of the nuanced ways racism is at play here. What I know is that my biggest regrets are from times when I continued to spend more time/money/effort to fix a bad situation in hopes of a payoff when, when all was said and done, the current cost was already greater than the reward.
Until the Big Opportunity arrives, it’s creating a debt of: fair pay, a considerate workload, recognition of your achievements, prioritizing your health, and giving grace — pandemic or not — for (mental) health needs. I think that might be useful to consider when asking if it would be betraying yourself from walking away from the Big Opportunity. (From the details in your question, I think leaving would be a decision that honors you, rather than one that betrays you.)
I’m sorry about everything you’re dealing with right now. It’s so clear that you’re an asset to any workplace lucky enough to have you!
posted by the thorn bushes have roses at 2:26 PM on July 1, 2020 [6 favorites]
Until the Big Opportunity arrives, it’s creating a debt of: fair pay, a considerate workload, recognition of your achievements, prioritizing your health, and giving grace — pandemic or not — for (mental) health needs. I think that might be useful to consider when asking if it would be betraying yourself from walking away from the Big Opportunity. (From the details in your question, I think leaving would be a decision that honors you, rather than one that betrays you.)
I’m sorry about everything you’re dealing with right now. It’s so clear that you’re an asset to any workplace lucky enough to have you!
posted by the thorn bushes have roses at 2:26 PM on July 1, 2020 [6 favorites]
You’re having to compromise a lot to now have them tell you that it’s still not good enough.
In the short term, I would see if you can use any leave to get your health on track, start processing your grief, plan for the future, and start applying for other jobs - it sounds like a lot to do but if you have even just a short amount of time to yourself to focus on yourself, it will help. Bad workplaces will make you feel trapped because, well, they want you to be trapped - it works for them.
In the slightly longer term, leave and they will go ballistic, but they could have just treated you like a human being - it’s not hard.
You can use everything you’ve done/learnt in this job to get yourself to a better place somewhere else - that might be the better Big Opportunity for you.
posted by heyjude at 3:20 PM on July 1, 2020 [1 favorite]
In the short term, I would see if you can use any leave to get your health on track, start processing your grief, plan for the future, and start applying for other jobs - it sounds like a lot to do but if you have even just a short amount of time to yourself to focus on yourself, it will help. Bad workplaces will make you feel trapped because, well, they want you to be trapped - it works for them.
In the slightly longer term, leave and they will go ballistic, but they could have just treated you like a human being - it’s not hard.
You can use everything you’ve done/learnt in this job to get yourself to a better place somewhere else - that might be the better Big Opportunity for you.
posted by heyjude at 3:20 PM on July 1, 2020 [1 favorite]
I agree with heyjude that you should see if you can get some time off just to catch a breath.
I am just sitting here reading your post and I am thinking about all of the things that would not happen at my company, nor any of the last companies I can remember working for:
1) Anybody in my company who complained and pressured a coworker about the consistency of their output after experiencing a death in the family in the past few months would be talked to very sternly by their manager. The fact that you've experienced two deaths in your family in the span of two months and you are getting pressured is beyond the pale. The fact that you've experienced this when you yourself (and we all are) vulnerable to the disease is even WORSE. If I had an employee that did this to one of their coworkers I would consider putting them on a PIP. If your performance is not up to par you need concrete examples and clarity on how you can do better. Not vague pressure from a coworker (not even your boss?!). And if someone is worried about you they need to express concern, not pressure.
2.) If we only had one woman and/or one person of color in any company I've worked in we would be pounding the pavement looking to hire more, talking about how it was a problem in every company meeting (because the staff would be bringing it up) and we'd be looking very seriously at our hiring practices. If we only had one person on our entire staff with a different identity AND they were being paid less for the same work we would rectify that situation immediately.
3.) If my company had someone who was in a living situation they took responsibility for, they would commit to that responsibility for some period of time to at least help that person make a transition.
4.) If someone who was normally very communicative suddenly was unreachable, we would raise alarm bells that that person might be physically unwell and make sure they were ok -- which you were not (!!) and we would take steps to make sure that person was ok and we would by no means reprimand them for it. If someone complained that a person was unreachable because they were physically unwell, that person would be reprimanded and probably put on a PIP.
Anyway, I'm not pointing these things out to you to dunk on you for how much better my company is, but instead to try to help you see that the position you are in is unacceptable. I hope you find something else that treats you much better. And I am so sorry that you are experiencing all of this difficulty all at once.
It can be so easy when you are in an abusive situation to start to think that it is normal and nothing else is better and that you don't deserve any better. You deserve so, so, SO much better. I am so sorry you are being treated this way.
posted by pazazygeek at 4:14 PM on July 1, 2020 [13 favorites]
I am just sitting here reading your post and I am thinking about all of the things that would not happen at my company, nor any of the last companies I can remember working for:
1) Anybody in my company who complained and pressured a coworker about the consistency of their output after experiencing a death in the family in the past few months would be talked to very sternly by their manager. The fact that you've experienced two deaths in your family in the span of two months and you are getting pressured is beyond the pale. The fact that you've experienced this when you yourself (and we all are) vulnerable to the disease is even WORSE. If I had an employee that did this to one of their coworkers I would consider putting them on a PIP. If your performance is not up to par you need concrete examples and clarity on how you can do better. Not vague pressure from a coworker (not even your boss?!). And if someone is worried about you they need to express concern, not pressure.
2.) If we only had one woman and/or one person of color in any company I've worked in we would be pounding the pavement looking to hire more, talking about how it was a problem in every company meeting (because the staff would be bringing it up) and we'd be looking very seriously at our hiring practices. If we only had one person on our entire staff with a different identity AND they were being paid less for the same work we would rectify that situation immediately.
3.) If my company had someone who was in a living situation they took responsibility for, they would commit to that responsibility for some period of time to at least help that person make a transition.
4.) If someone who was normally very communicative suddenly was unreachable, we would raise alarm bells that that person might be physically unwell and make sure they were ok -- which you were not (!!) and we would take steps to make sure that person was ok and we would by no means reprimand them for it. If someone complained that a person was unreachable because they were physically unwell, that person would be reprimanded and probably put on a PIP.
Anyway, I'm not pointing these things out to you to dunk on you for how much better my company is, but instead to try to help you see that the position you are in is unacceptable. I hope you find something else that treats you much better. And I am so sorry that you are experiencing all of this difficulty all at once.
It can be so easy when you are in an abusive situation to start to think that it is normal and nothing else is better and that you don't deserve any better. You deserve so, so, SO much better. I am so sorry you are being treated this way.
posted by pazazygeek at 4:14 PM on July 1, 2020 [13 favorites]
I infer from the phrasing of the "Big Opportunity" that you'd prefer not to go into details about exactly what this opportunity is. But, from my perspective, I'd really want to know how certain it is that the Big Opportunity is actually going to materialize. Is it some kind of a sure thing but just takes some amount of time, money, and/or effort? Or is it more of a lottery ticket? If it's more like the latter, then giving it up isn't really giving up very much. A Powerball lottery ticket could be worth $300 million, but if I happened to lose one, I'm not going to treat it like I lost $300 milllion.
Also, I'd also want to analyze exactly by what mechanism is this Big Opportunity going to be granted. If it's primarily within the company's discretion/control, given how they've been treating you, I wouldn't gamble on this opportunity actually being granted despite their promises. You've been with them for six years now. Are we really sure this opportunity is going to materialize? You wouldn't be the first employee to have been screwed over by an employer's false promise of great things to come.
posted by mhum at 6:37 PM on July 1, 2020 [3 favorites]
Also, I'd also want to analyze exactly by what mechanism is this Big Opportunity going to be granted. If it's primarily within the company's discretion/control, given how they've been treating you, I wouldn't gamble on this opportunity actually being granted despite their promises. You've been with them for six years now. Are we really sure this opportunity is going to materialize? You wouldn't be the first employee to have been screwed over by an employer's false promise of great things to come.
posted by mhum at 6:37 PM on July 1, 2020 [3 favorites]
Yeah, your company sucks. Like massively, unapologetically sucks. I don't know if the root of it is racism, jackassery or a toxic combo, but the key is to recognize that this level of sucking will not be undone or mitigated by the Big Opportunity.
You know what my gut reaction was every time I read that phrase in your post? There is no Big Opportunity. It's intended to keep you dangling and doing more work than you're capable of while underpaid. Oh, and treated like shit. I'm in the U.S. and I work in HR. My experience may be very different but I know how we treat high performers, the people we've identified for big opportunities. They are our stars. We groom them, grow them, nurture them, and deliver on our promises.
So, please prioritize your health and wellbeing over what may be a shiny object intended to keep you hooked while these vampires suck your life force out of you.
And for what it's worth, if one of my staff came to me with this tale of mistreatment, I'd be putting on my HR Avenger cape and heading out there to have scary conversations about discrimination, abusive behavior, potential liability. Basically, all the trigger words that make grown ass leaders shit their pants. (It's fun and I burn calories.) I wish you were my employee. I'd be like, girl, sit down, I got this.
posted by MissPitts at 7:35 PM on July 1, 2020 [12 favorites]
You know what my gut reaction was every time I read that phrase in your post? There is no Big Opportunity. It's intended to keep you dangling and doing more work than you're capable of while underpaid. Oh, and treated like shit. I'm in the U.S. and I work in HR. My experience may be very different but I know how we treat high performers, the people we've identified for big opportunities. They are our stars. We groom them, grow them, nurture them, and deliver on our promises.
So, please prioritize your health and wellbeing over what may be a shiny object intended to keep you hooked while these vampires suck your life force out of you.
And for what it's worth, if one of my staff came to me with this tale of mistreatment, I'd be putting on my HR Avenger cape and heading out there to have scary conversations about discrimination, abusive behavior, potential liability. Basically, all the trigger words that make grown ass leaders shit their pants. (It's fun and I burn calories.) I wish you were my employee. I'd be like, girl, sit down, I got this.
posted by MissPitts at 7:35 PM on July 1, 2020 [12 favorites]
Clarification - is it the case that the Big Opportunity could move forward, but it requires you to personally travel to an agency to get paperwork, and you are concerned about travel due to increase in covid infections, having friends and family with covid, knowing people who have died of covid, and having high medical risk? And you feel like your company is pressuring you to get it done, even though you are very uncomfortable with the health risks? Or is the paperwork for something different?
Because if the next step for Big Opportunity depends on your action, and Big Opportunity is the only reason you're staying at this company, then I think you should ask yourself at what point you will feel comfortable doing the next step, and whether it's worth staying in your current toxic environment for that long until the conditions happen. If you're not comfortable getting the paperwork done until there's a vaccine, for instance, meaning Big Opportunity isn't going to happen for at least that long, it is probably not worth it to suffer through that whole period at your current workplace. But maybe your conditions are less strict, like number of daily covid infections starts to fall instead of rise, and staying at your work for that shorter amount of time is more achievable.
I hear you are stressed, overworked, not eating enough, not sleeping enough, grieving your family member, worrying about changes to your financial situation, living in a tense neighbor situation, while also dealing with shitty racism and sexism from your white male coworkers, pay disparities, lack of public recognition for your work, having to operate in a secondary language, while also suffering depression and trying to adapt to a new medication.
That is a lot. It makes it hard for you to get a break and have enough mental space to think about what really needs to happen to achieve Big Opportunity, how long that will take, and whether you want to stick around at your job that long. But if you can come up with a more realistic sense of the timeline, that is something to factor into your decision to stay or find a new job.
posted by cdefgfeadgagfe at 10:22 PM on July 1, 2020 [1 favorite]
Because if the next step for Big Opportunity depends on your action, and Big Opportunity is the only reason you're staying at this company, then I think you should ask yourself at what point you will feel comfortable doing the next step, and whether it's worth staying in your current toxic environment for that long until the conditions happen. If you're not comfortable getting the paperwork done until there's a vaccine, for instance, meaning Big Opportunity isn't going to happen for at least that long, it is probably not worth it to suffer through that whole period at your current workplace. But maybe your conditions are less strict, like number of daily covid infections starts to fall instead of rise, and staying at your work for that shorter amount of time is more achievable.
I hear you are stressed, overworked, not eating enough, not sleeping enough, grieving your family member, worrying about changes to your financial situation, living in a tense neighbor situation, while also dealing with shitty racism and sexism from your white male coworkers, pay disparities, lack of public recognition for your work, having to operate in a secondary language, while also suffering depression and trying to adapt to a new medication.
That is a lot. It makes it hard for you to get a break and have enough mental space to think about what really needs to happen to achieve Big Opportunity, how long that will take, and whether you want to stick around at your job that long. But if you can come up with a more realistic sense of the timeline, that is something to factor into your decision to stay or find a new job.
posted by cdefgfeadgagfe at 10:22 PM on July 1, 2020 [1 favorite]
While you maybe do need to leave your job please don't make this decision while in the middle of a bipolar episode. It's not the right time. Do what you can to survive until your mental health is more stable. That should probably include taking an extended period of sick leave, even if that has to be unpaid (if you can survive financially in such a case).
I'm sorry this is all happening to you. The death of your relatives by itself would be a huge thing to deal with and a shitty workplace on top of it is just horrific.
posted by lollusc at 11:09 PM on July 1, 2020 [1 favorite]
I'm sorry this is all happening to you. The death of your relatives by itself would be a huge thing to deal with and a shitty workplace on top of it is just horrific.
posted by lollusc at 11:09 PM on July 1, 2020 [1 favorite]
Part of the stress is probably your feeling that you have no leverage in this situation. Is there any way to reposition the situation so that you do, in fact, have some leverage.
One of my lecturers would refer to "BATNA" - the Best Alternative to the Negotiated Agreement. His advice was to put a LOT of effort into discovering what your BATNA was, so that then negotiations are less stressful, because the alternative is identified.
The strongest BATNA is, "I am out of here" - if that is your position, then EVERY negotiation is likely to be an improvement. Put some effort in to pointing out to management, that they have lost a team, and that if you are not there to do the job, that whole function is gone. If they treat you well and support you - the customers get that function; if you're not there - someone else needs to explain the problem to the customers.
Is is possible to find any advocates for you amongst customers? Management sounds pretty tone deaf, but customers can cut through.
posted by Barbara Spitzer at 4:16 AM on July 2, 2020 [2 favorites]
One of my lecturers would refer to "BATNA" - the Best Alternative to the Negotiated Agreement. His advice was to put a LOT of effort into discovering what your BATNA was, so that then negotiations are less stressful, because the alternative is identified.
The strongest BATNA is, "I am out of here" - if that is your position, then EVERY negotiation is likely to be an improvement. Put some effort in to pointing out to management, that they have lost a team, and that if you are not there to do the job, that whole function is gone. If they treat you well and support you - the customers get that function; if you're not there - someone else needs to explain the problem to the customers.
Is is possible to find any advocates for you amongst customers? Management sounds pretty tone deaf, but customers can cut through.
posted by Barbara Spitzer at 4:16 AM on July 2, 2020 [2 favorites]
Unless the Big Opportunity is definitely being held up solely by the missing paperwork and would otherwise be happening, I wouldn't take it into account at all as a consideration for staying. (Also, it sounds like it might be about relocating you to a different country? In which case, if it happened would it be even more difficult for you to leave the company if you needed to?)
If the paperwork truly is the sticking point, is there any way you might be able to pay someone to represent you and take care of it for you? Very Important People don't stand in those lines on their own; depending on where you live you might be able to use a similar solution.
Also I don’t think they think about how it also takes a toll on people like me who have English as a second language. I always have to research and absorb facts and information in English. Then also write in English and make it so that I sound “white.” And yet I think in my language and have to translate them back. Not sure if that makes sense.
It makes a ton of sense. I know how that is and it is absolutely a significant and underappreciated amount of extra cognitive toll.
Since you asked about how to communicate with your boss about being overworked, I think the usual answer is to document exactly what and how much work you do (and in this case, all the tasks that used to be done by others). Then list where possible what your work contributes, and has in the past contributed, to the company. As an itemized list, not as a lengthy prose explanation. The idea is to assert your value and demonstrate that it would be a headache to replace you. How well this would work in your particular circumstances I don't know, but it's a way to communicate your point in a "professional", quantified way without discussing emotions. You can say that the current workload is not sustainable at high quality and that you and your management need to work out a more sustainable plan moving forward. For yourself, write down all the things you want from them - small changes and large (personally I'd include relocation expenses and time off from work for you to move if they're absolutely unwilling to hold up their end of the bargain on housing expenses). Think about each one - how important is it to you, how are they likely to perceive it, are there alternative ways to achieve the same goal. Sort them into categories (workload, respectful treatment, supporting employees so as to ensure they can focus on work rather than on staying alive, etc.) Think about what negotiated agreement you'd be willing or unwilling to accept (the BATNAs and WATNAs mentioned above). You want to be able to ask for (or demand) specific things clearly.
This may feel like more work than you're able to do right now, which is really legitimate. Do what you can. Definitely do document your workload and your contributions, because aside from being useful for this situation, they're also useful when updating your CV to look for better jobs (whether you quit or while you're still there).
One point you mentioned that stuck out is that their housing support enables you to live in a neighborhood with running water. That seems like a point to use if you do end up negotiating compensation: they're a company whose employees should be able to afford running water. Period.
If you're able to, think about your options in the worst case (say, being fired). If you can feel inside that it's not the end of the world, that you would ultimately be all right, and that you would be willing to walk away from them, that can lower the stress of these discussions and make it easier to be assertive about what you need to see from them, rather than apologetic about yourself.
I'm so sorry about all this utterly redundant, avoidable stress. You're dealing with so much. I agree with everything pazazygeek said.
posted by trig at 5:06 AM on July 2, 2020 [1 favorite]
If the paperwork truly is the sticking point, is there any way you might be able to pay someone to represent you and take care of it for you? Very Important People don't stand in those lines on their own; depending on where you live you might be able to use a similar solution.
Also I don’t think they think about how it also takes a toll on people like me who have English as a second language. I always have to research and absorb facts and information in English. Then also write in English and make it so that I sound “white.” And yet I think in my language and have to translate them back. Not sure if that makes sense.
It makes a ton of sense. I know how that is and it is absolutely a significant and underappreciated amount of extra cognitive toll.
Since you asked about how to communicate with your boss about being overworked, I think the usual answer is to document exactly what and how much work you do (and in this case, all the tasks that used to be done by others). Then list where possible what your work contributes, and has in the past contributed, to the company. As an itemized list, not as a lengthy prose explanation. The idea is to assert your value and demonstrate that it would be a headache to replace you. How well this would work in your particular circumstances I don't know, but it's a way to communicate your point in a "professional", quantified way without discussing emotions. You can say that the current workload is not sustainable at high quality and that you and your management need to work out a more sustainable plan moving forward. For yourself, write down all the things you want from them - small changes and large (personally I'd include relocation expenses and time off from work for you to move if they're absolutely unwilling to hold up their end of the bargain on housing expenses). Think about each one - how important is it to you, how are they likely to perceive it, are there alternative ways to achieve the same goal. Sort them into categories (workload, respectful treatment, supporting employees so as to ensure they can focus on work rather than on staying alive, etc.) Think about what negotiated agreement you'd be willing or unwilling to accept (the BATNAs and WATNAs mentioned above). You want to be able to ask for (or demand) specific things clearly.
This may feel like more work than you're able to do right now, which is really legitimate. Do what you can. Definitely do document your workload and your contributions, because aside from being useful for this situation, they're also useful when updating your CV to look for better jobs (whether you quit or while you're still there).
One point you mentioned that stuck out is that their housing support enables you to live in a neighborhood with running water. That seems like a point to use if you do end up negotiating compensation: they're a company whose employees should be able to afford running water. Period.
If you're able to, think about your options in the worst case (say, being fired). If you can feel inside that it's not the end of the world, that you would ultimately be all right, and that you would be willing to walk away from them, that can lower the stress of these discussions and make it easier to be assertive about what you need to see from them, rather than apologetic about yourself.
I'm so sorry about all this utterly redundant, avoidable stress. You're dealing with so much. I agree with everything pazazygeek said.
posted by trig at 5:06 AM on July 2, 2020 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Thank you everyone for your kind words. I really appreciate it more than you know—you have validated what I have been feeling. For the longest time I felt I was going insane because what I was going through and what my employer and colleagues have been saying are so different.
An update on my situation: Last Friday I experienced the worst physical pain and panic attack in years. After consultation with my doctor, I was recommended a minimum of 4 weeks rest immediately. I emailed the CEO asking for sick leave. When that wasn't allowed I asked for unpaid leave. I received a long email reprimanding me for shirking my responsibilities. Eventually it culminated in being told not to expect anything upon my return.
I am at a loss now. Jobless during a pandemic—I don't know how to move forward. I just slept the whole weekend. I am so tired. I don't want to threadsit here but wanted to express my gratitude to all. Please MeMail me if you would like to get in touch—your words of encouragement would mean so much. Thank you.
posted by pleasebekind at 1:57 AM on July 6, 2020
An update on my situation: Last Friday I experienced the worst physical pain and panic attack in years. After consultation with my doctor, I was recommended a minimum of 4 weeks rest immediately. I emailed the CEO asking for sick leave. When that wasn't allowed I asked for unpaid leave. I received a long email reprimanding me for shirking my responsibilities. Eventually it culminated in being told not to expect anything upon my return.
I am at a loss now. Jobless during a pandemic—I don't know how to move forward. I just slept the whole weekend. I am so tired. I don't want to threadsit here but wanted to express my gratitude to all. Please MeMail me if you would like to get in touch—your words of encouragement would mean so much. Thank you.
posted by pleasebekind at 1:57 AM on July 6, 2020
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I don’t know enough about the job market where you are living, and about unemployment benefits where you live, to say whether you should leave right away. If you think you can get a comparable job soon, then absolutely quit now. But if not, start looking for something new. I hope that you can tell yourself, “I can take one small step each day/week to find a job that treats me as I deserve to be treated.”
posted by mai at 12:51 PM on July 1, 2020 [8 favorites]