Depressed partner, crush on a friend, what to do next.
June 21, 2020 9:20 PM Subscribe
Partner has fluctuating levels of motivation for treatment/change. I have fluctuating levels of interest in another person in my life. What to do.
I have a nine year old child. Not only am I not married to his dad, I am not married to the person I was in a relationship with when the child was 3-6. Child got very attached to that person, and is still angry at me for leaving that relationship three years ago. Ex-husband has tried to say he should have primary custody because that relationship broke up and I can offer less stability than he can in his longer relationship. We have 50/50 custody right now, and I don't want that to change. So I feel like I can't leave my current relationship, even though it feels unfulfilling.
I'm not interested in advice along the lines of "talk to a lawyer." I have a good one, and trust me, we have talked.
My partner has been in a major depression for ~4 months, and I'm really struggling. I posted about it previously. Also, my mom committed suicide twelve weeks ago, and I'm feeling a bit triggered by my partner's flat affect and disinterest in everything.
My partner is neglecting their appearance (not washing/cutting their hair, unrelated to COVID), watching a depressing TV show all day when not at work, and increasingly feeling persecuted and oppressed at work, in ways that don't totally make sense. They're very well respected, and have a professional career that's taken off rapidly in the last couple of years. They oscillate between angry and very flat.
They have sort of been trying things to address their depression. They are seeing a doctor regularly. They see a therapist regularly. They started a CBT book which they abandoned. They started extra CBT therapy with a CBT specific therapist, which they abandoned. I think it's good for them to have someone to talk to, but I don't know that the regular therapist is doing anything evidence-based to address depression. It's not really any of my business, though.
Partner is on meds, and has a pretty okay family doctor, for where we live (ie. a doctor who does a little bit more than 10 minute medication management visits, which are standard here). They had their meds adjusted a couple of weeks ago, because the meds clearly weren't working, but I haven't really noticed an improvement. Partner is trans, and would be reluctant to change doctors because this doctor is a family doctor who specializes in treating trans people outside of just managing hormones and surgeries.
They're on testosterone, and have a higher sex drive than me, despite being depressed. They try to initiate sex sometimes, but I'm just not into it. I feel like a means to an end. They either initiate intimacy when they are feeling needy (ie. they are weeping softly and ask if can take our shirts off and make out) or they are feeling explicitly horny and make goofy come-ons, indicating they want to have sex. I'm not into either. I don't want to mop up their tears or just be there to get them off when they physically want to. I need reciprocal emotional intimacy as a precursor to sex.
Our house is a disaster, and it's killing my attraction. I've lived with a couple of other partners and my house has never looked like this. It is in part because my partner won't throw things away, and I'm a spartan/minimalist housekeeper. Even beyond decluttering, it is hard to deep clean because I have to clean around... stuff. Partner has stopped contributing much to housework. I am burn out, and feel frazzled by messy surroundings. I occasionally feel repulsed, if I'm being very honest, by their unkempt appearance. The whole situation just isn't a recipe for sex and desire.
I want to be wooed by someone, and they don't really have the capacity for that right now. I don't need fancy dinners or date nights, but I fantasize about someone just being soft and tender with me; feeling seen; soft lights and clean rooms; compliments and generally being desired instead of being a means to an end.
I do love them very much, but I am not feeling attracted. To complicate things, I am feeling attracted to someone else; someone I am not supposed to feel attracted to. When I think about sex and intimacy, I think about it almost entirely with the other person. I did tell my partner about the crush. It wasn't received super well, which I think is really fair. Their therapist also normalized it - people in longterm relationships have crushed on other people. My crush actually has a lot in common with my partner. They have similar academic/research interests which are quite niche, and they sort of look alike, except my crush takes a bit of pride in their appearance. My partner even when they're well is not super appearance-focused, but has started to look really disheveled lately.
We've been to couple's therapy, but it's focused on mediating fights at hand, and I've never gotten to share about sex and desire in that setting. When I try to share it with my partner, twisting myself into knots to use all the perfect Gottman language and I-messages to communicate everything, they get defensive and shut down and yell-y. I don't feel like breaking up is an option, because of the above family and legal situation.
In some way it seems like we are constantly betraying each other now. They are betraying me by having checked out of life, by not caring for me or for themselves. And I'm betraying them by imagining sex and romance with my beautiful, well-groomed single friend who has a clean house and nice lighting and wants to pour glasses of wine and talk about interesting, not-depressing things.
Sorry for the wall of text. There is obviously a lot here.Tell me what to do, I guess?
I have a nine year old child. Not only am I not married to his dad, I am not married to the person I was in a relationship with when the child was 3-6. Child got very attached to that person, and is still angry at me for leaving that relationship three years ago. Ex-husband has tried to say he should have primary custody because that relationship broke up and I can offer less stability than he can in his longer relationship. We have 50/50 custody right now, and I don't want that to change. So I feel like I can't leave my current relationship, even though it feels unfulfilling.
I'm not interested in advice along the lines of "talk to a lawyer." I have a good one, and trust me, we have talked.
My partner has been in a major depression for ~4 months, and I'm really struggling. I posted about it previously. Also, my mom committed suicide twelve weeks ago, and I'm feeling a bit triggered by my partner's flat affect and disinterest in everything.
My partner is neglecting their appearance (not washing/cutting their hair, unrelated to COVID), watching a depressing TV show all day when not at work, and increasingly feeling persecuted and oppressed at work, in ways that don't totally make sense. They're very well respected, and have a professional career that's taken off rapidly in the last couple of years. They oscillate between angry and very flat.
They have sort of been trying things to address their depression. They are seeing a doctor regularly. They see a therapist regularly. They started a CBT book which they abandoned. They started extra CBT therapy with a CBT specific therapist, which they abandoned. I think it's good for them to have someone to talk to, but I don't know that the regular therapist is doing anything evidence-based to address depression. It's not really any of my business, though.
Partner is on meds, and has a pretty okay family doctor, for where we live (ie. a doctor who does a little bit more than 10 minute medication management visits, which are standard here). They had their meds adjusted a couple of weeks ago, because the meds clearly weren't working, but I haven't really noticed an improvement. Partner is trans, and would be reluctant to change doctors because this doctor is a family doctor who specializes in treating trans people outside of just managing hormones and surgeries.
They're on testosterone, and have a higher sex drive than me, despite being depressed. They try to initiate sex sometimes, but I'm just not into it. I feel like a means to an end. They either initiate intimacy when they are feeling needy (ie. they are weeping softly and ask if can take our shirts off and make out) or they are feeling explicitly horny and make goofy come-ons, indicating they want to have sex. I'm not into either. I don't want to mop up their tears or just be there to get them off when they physically want to. I need reciprocal emotional intimacy as a precursor to sex.
Our house is a disaster, and it's killing my attraction. I've lived with a couple of other partners and my house has never looked like this. It is in part because my partner won't throw things away, and I'm a spartan/minimalist housekeeper. Even beyond decluttering, it is hard to deep clean because I have to clean around... stuff. Partner has stopped contributing much to housework. I am burn out, and feel frazzled by messy surroundings. I occasionally feel repulsed, if I'm being very honest, by their unkempt appearance. The whole situation just isn't a recipe for sex and desire.
I want to be wooed by someone, and they don't really have the capacity for that right now. I don't need fancy dinners or date nights, but I fantasize about someone just being soft and tender with me; feeling seen; soft lights and clean rooms; compliments and generally being desired instead of being a means to an end.
I do love them very much, but I am not feeling attracted. To complicate things, I am feeling attracted to someone else; someone I am not supposed to feel attracted to. When I think about sex and intimacy, I think about it almost entirely with the other person. I did tell my partner about the crush. It wasn't received super well, which I think is really fair. Their therapist also normalized it - people in longterm relationships have crushed on other people. My crush actually has a lot in common with my partner. They have similar academic/research interests which are quite niche, and they sort of look alike, except my crush takes a bit of pride in their appearance. My partner even when they're well is not super appearance-focused, but has started to look really disheveled lately.
We've been to couple's therapy, but it's focused on mediating fights at hand, and I've never gotten to share about sex and desire in that setting. When I try to share it with my partner, twisting myself into knots to use all the perfect Gottman language and I-messages to communicate everything, they get defensive and shut down and yell-y. I don't feel like breaking up is an option, because of the above family and legal situation.
In some way it seems like we are constantly betraying each other now. They are betraying me by having checked out of life, by not caring for me or for themselves. And I'm betraying them by imagining sex and romance with my beautiful, well-groomed single friend who has a clean house and nice lighting and wants to pour glasses of wine and talk about interesting, not-depressing things.
Sorry for the wall of text. There is obviously a lot here.Tell me what to do, I guess?
Maybe this isn’t relevant, or maybe I’m misunderstanding the situation, but is this the same partner you’ve been trying to conceive with? Because if so, just a month ago, you said that you had a “loving, stable relationship” with them. This seems to be quite a turnaround from that in a pretty short time; what’s changed between then and now?
posted by holborne at 10:36 PM on June 21, 2020 [6 favorites]
posted by holborne at 10:36 PM on June 21, 2020 [6 favorites]
Response by poster: Yeah, I would characterize our relationship as loving and stable despite waxing and waning depression on their part and waxing and waning attraction on my part. We care for each other deeply and we don’t have massive blow out fights except once in a blue moon. It’s pretty good in lots of ways, which was hard to capture in this post about my frustration and exhaustion.
posted by unstrungharp at 10:45 PM on June 21, 2020 [3 favorites]
posted by unstrungharp at 10:45 PM on June 21, 2020 [3 favorites]
This sounds so hard. What really stands out to me is the sense that you don't get to decide what to do because you're constrained by the custody order issues.
Here's a thought experiment: If you weren't constrained by the custody order, would you 100% break up with your partner? If you're at 80%, what is the 20% that would keep you there (in a world where the custody order is not an issue)? Is there a way to grow that 20%? Do you want to grow that 20%? If you're mixed about that--what would have to happen for you to truly, clearly, definitely want to grow that 20%?
As a first step, I'd get a definitive answer about whether the custody order can be altered by breaking up with your partner (echoing fingersandtoes). Having that clarity would likely help you see more clearly (a) what is within your control and (b) what you want for the future of your relationship instead of what you feel you have to choose.
posted by saltypup at 10:59 PM on June 21, 2020 [4 favorites]
Here's a thought experiment: If you weren't constrained by the custody order, would you 100% break up with your partner? If you're at 80%, what is the 20% that would keep you there (in a world where the custody order is not an issue)? Is there a way to grow that 20%? Do you want to grow that 20%? If you're mixed about that--what would have to happen for you to truly, clearly, definitely want to grow that 20%?
As a first step, I'd get a definitive answer about whether the custody order can be altered by breaking up with your partner (echoing fingersandtoes). Having that clarity would likely help you see more clearly (a) what is within your control and (b) what you want for the future of your relationship instead of what you feel you have to choose.
posted by saltypup at 10:59 PM on June 21, 2020 [4 favorites]
Best answer: I remember the immediate aftermath of my mother's death very well (and as long as you're still counting in weeks, not years, it's immediate.) My own mother died from a different cause, and none of them are easy but I think yours must be particularly hard. someone who is not worrying about you all the time right now, as their primary occupation, is a very alarming person.
that does not mean that they are not allowed to have their own health concerns, their own private time, their own worries. but it means that in every couple's life there are temporary periods when one partner is the main character, so to speak. It can't always be the same partner who takes the leading role, but right now that partner should be you. and it sounds like it is not.
I do not condone infidelity, period. I also do not believe that private fantasy, kept to yourself or to yourself and your therapist, can constitute infidelity. you are equating your thoughts with their actions to make things come out even when they are obviously not even. I think you have been betrayed and thinking about ways you could be, instead, the betrayer, is a defense mechanism. because guilt feels less painful than being abandoned. if it works to keep you together, so be it. but it doesn't sound accurate to me. I don't believe you are betraying anyone but yourself.
I cannot tell you to leave or stay, but I can tell you that you should not stay in a relationship purely to maintain custody when your household is not healthy for you, because a household that is emotionally unhealthy for you is necessarily emotionally unhealthy for your child. sacrificing your human dignity for your kid doesn't work. it doesn't matter how much you want it to work.
posted by queenofbithynia at 11:11 PM on June 21, 2020 [18 favorites]
that does not mean that they are not allowed to have their own health concerns, their own private time, their own worries. but it means that in every couple's life there are temporary periods when one partner is the main character, so to speak. It can't always be the same partner who takes the leading role, but right now that partner should be you. and it sounds like it is not.
I do not condone infidelity, period. I also do not believe that private fantasy, kept to yourself or to yourself and your therapist, can constitute infidelity. you are equating your thoughts with their actions to make things come out even when they are obviously not even. I think you have been betrayed and thinking about ways you could be, instead, the betrayer, is a defense mechanism. because guilt feels less painful than being abandoned. if it works to keep you together, so be it. but it doesn't sound accurate to me. I don't believe you are betraying anyone but yourself.
I cannot tell you to leave or stay, but I can tell you that you should not stay in a relationship purely to maintain custody when your household is not healthy for you, because a household that is emotionally unhealthy for you is necessarily emotionally unhealthy for your child. sacrificing your human dignity for your kid doesn't work. it doesn't matter how much you want it to work.
posted by queenofbithynia at 11:11 PM on June 21, 2020 [18 favorites]
Ex-husband has tried to say he should have primary custody because that relationship broke up and I can offer less stability than he can in his longer relationship. We have 50/50 custody right now, and I don't want that to change. So I feel like I can't leave my current relationship, even though it feels unfulfilling.
I mean, so what if your ex-husband says that? You have 50-50 custody. Unless there's more you aren't telling us, I don't see breaking up with someone as a reason you'd lose custody of your child. Did he say that because he's truly concerned about your child or because he's trying to be hurtful?
Child got very attached to that person, and is still angry at me for leaving that relationship three years ago.
So your child is nine years old now, and still mad at you about this? I'm a bit concerned about this. Has your child been to therapy at all about this? Losing an attachment figure can be traumatic, and this would be a great thing for your kid to be able to process. However, I still don't see this as a reason for staying in an unfulfilling relationship now. Is your child especially attached to your current partner, and is that a relationship that could continue even if you all broke up?
If you have a pattern of initiating new relationships before ending current relationships, then that is a concern. That's something you should not do, out of respect for the commitments you've made to your partner, and out of respect to yourself and your child. New people can be more interesting and exciting because we can project a lot of fantasies onto them. But your current crush is based on nothing, and it's fleeting. Don't use that crush as an excuse to flee a current relationship. Figure out your current relationship on its own terms.
It sounds like in the course of the past three years, you ended one relationship, initiated another, moved in with your partner, and now want to break up. That's okay to do, but that is a fair amount of disruption in your child's life. I'm not suggesting you shouldn't end this relationship. But maybe wait to move in with someone next time?
I'm wondering if what's really going on here is guilt, reinforced by your child and your ex-husband. You feel guilty and bad, perhaps, that this current relationship isn't what you hoped it would be. I don't think that's a reason to stay in it, though. A friend of mine remarried pretty quickly after a divorce, and it became apparently very quickly after that that her new husband was emotionally abusive--but I think she ended up staying in that relationship too long because she felt stupid for having gotten involved with the new man so fast. Don't fall prey to that thinking, that you have to stick this out even if you're truly unhappy.
posted by bluedaisy at 2:28 AM on June 22, 2020 [10 favorites]
I mean, so what if your ex-husband says that? You have 50-50 custody. Unless there's more you aren't telling us, I don't see breaking up with someone as a reason you'd lose custody of your child. Did he say that because he's truly concerned about your child or because he's trying to be hurtful?
Child got very attached to that person, and is still angry at me for leaving that relationship three years ago.
So your child is nine years old now, and still mad at you about this? I'm a bit concerned about this. Has your child been to therapy at all about this? Losing an attachment figure can be traumatic, and this would be a great thing for your kid to be able to process. However, I still don't see this as a reason for staying in an unfulfilling relationship now. Is your child especially attached to your current partner, and is that a relationship that could continue even if you all broke up?
If you have a pattern of initiating new relationships before ending current relationships, then that is a concern. That's something you should not do, out of respect for the commitments you've made to your partner, and out of respect to yourself and your child. New people can be more interesting and exciting because we can project a lot of fantasies onto them. But your current crush is based on nothing, and it's fleeting. Don't use that crush as an excuse to flee a current relationship. Figure out your current relationship on its own terms.
It sounds like in the course of the past three years, you ended one relationship, initiated another, moved in with your partner, and now want to break up. That's okay to do, but that is a fair amount of disruption in your child's life. I'm not suggesting you shouldn't end this relationship. But maybe wait to move in with someone next time?
I'm wondering if what's really going on here is guilt, reinforced by your child and your ex-husband. You feel guilty and bad, perhaps, that this current relationship isn't what you hoped it would be. I don't think that's a reason to stay in it, though. A friend of mine remarried pretty quickly after a divorce, and it became apparently very quickly after that that her new husband was emotionally abusive--but I think she ended up staying in that relationship too long because she felt stupid for having gotten involved with the new man so fast. Don't fall prey to that thinking, that you have to stick this out even if you're truly unhappy.
posted by bluedaisy at 2:28 AM on June 22, 2020 [10 favorites]
Yes, you don't say how your child feels about this partner. (Maybe they're angry partially because he isn't emotionally available?) I'm sorry about your mom.
posted by slidell at 3:31 AM on June 22, 2020
posted by slidell at 3:31 AM on June 22, 2020
Best answer: Hi-- My mother committed suicide when I was 24 and in my first long-term relationship that looked like it was heading for marriage. What I can tell you is that during that first terrible year, my head was not right. I thought it was, but it wasn't. Not really. Before you make any big decisions, my serious advice is to get some therapy yourself with someone who understands people who survive a parent's suicide. After you have had time to process everything is the time to make a decision.
My advice to you-- put your crush to one side, even put your husband to one side-- focus on your own healing and your child. If you feel the same way in six months, there will be another crush.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
posted by frumiousb at 4:27 AM on June 22, 2020 [10 favorites]
My advice to you-- put your crush to one side, even put your husband to one side-- focus on your own healing and your child. If you feel the same way in six months, there will be another crush.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
posted by frumiousb at 4:27 AM on June 22, 2020 [10 favorites]
Response by poster: Hey, can I steer all you well-intentioned folks away from telling me to talk to my lawyer, and from assuming the gender of my partner?
posted by unstrungharp at 5:31 AM on June 22, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by unstrungharp at 5:31 AM on June 22, 2020 [1 favorite]
twisting myself into knots to use all the perfect Gottman language and I-messages to communicate everything,
with respect, why? why would you ever deform your words this way in order to sound like a robot instead of like yourself? it sounds like a way to not only sound like someone else but to avoid saying what you mean. You don't have a problem with yourself (maybe they have a problem with you, but that's for them to say); you have a problem with them and with what they're doing/not doing.
I somehow missed that you had told them about the crush, which is obviously hurtful and I wonder why you did that. but if it was influenced by therapy and not by previous inviolable agreements that the two of you had, rethink that. you can't un-tell the already told, but maybe you had a reason for telling them beyond some radical honesty bullshit; maybe you wanted to force a change or make them see they risked losing you or something. instead, you ended up more timid & apologetic than ever.
look, I have a prejudice here, obviously. but in my experience people go hard on the fake therapy-language when they are afraid of telling the truth in simple true words that are natural to them. when they are afraid there is something really fundamentally wrong with them and the way they talk naturally. if you are afraid of telling your partner the truth (because they'll leave, because they won't leave but will get worse, because--?) that matters more than whatever the I-statements are trying to say.
therapy language that doesn't work and hasn't helped you is obviously not "perfect." maybe it's not even good.
and couples therapy that won't let you set half the agenda for discussion isn't worth the paper it's printed on. if you will.
posted by queenofbithynia at 6:09 AM on June 22, 2020 [7 favorites]
and I am sorry for not adding this in before the edit window closed, but it also deserves to stand on its own because it is in some ways the most important of any possible questions:
Does this partner know that you are afraid to leave them because of custody issues, and that they don't have to lift a finger or change a thing to make you stay?
(Or if the implications there are too ungenerous in your opinion: do they know that leaving you could, in your mind, contribute to the loss or reduction of your child custody, so that they feel they don't have a free choice? But the first one seems more likely.)
posted by queenofbithynia at 6:20 AM on June 22, 2020 [2 favorites]
Does this partner know that you are afraid to leave them because of custody issues, and that they don't have to lift a finger or change a thing to make you stay?
(Or if the implications there are too ungenerous in your opinion: do they know that leaving you could, in your mind, contribute to the loss or reduction of your child custody, so that they feel they don't have a free choice? But the first one seems more likely.)
posted by queenofbithynia at 6:20 AM on June 22, 2020 [2 favorites]
I'm so sorry. To me the buried lede in this Ask is that you just lost your mother 12 weeks ago. May I gently suggest that you take your focus entirely inward, do everything you can do surround yourself with softness and love right now? It's okay to take a break from trying to fix your relationship. It's okay to neglect your partner for a while, even if they are depressed. Please take time to heal... When you are stronger and more connected to your own wholeness, you will almost certainly find it easier to think clearly about your relationship and what to do there. You will get there in time.
Are you in therapy? Who can you lean on to support you in your grief and your process without needing to be taken care of themselves? (Not your crush -- I'm sorry but you probably shouldn't overload that particular complication with even more more emotional resonance. Someone else. A sibling or long term friend perhaps?)
I have an image of you gathering your child in your arms and curling up together in a hammock made of clouds and cotton, singing him a lullaby. I wish you peace.
posted by MiraK at 7:19 AM on June 22, 2020 [9 favorites]
Are you in therapy? Who can you lean on to support you in your grief and your process without needing to be taken care of themselves? (Not your crush -- I'm sorry but you probably shouldn't overload that particular complication with even more more emotional resonance. Someone else. A sibling or long term friend perhaps?)
I have an image of you gathering your child in your arms and curling up together in a hammock made of clouds and cotton, singing him a lullaby. I wish you peace.
posted by MiraK at 7:19 AM on June 22, 2020 [9 favorites]
Hey, can I steer all you well-intentioned folks away from... assuming the gender of my partner?
Oops, I did that. Sorry!
posted by slidell at 11:54 PM on June 22, 2020 [1 favorite]
Oops, I did that. Sorry!
posted by slidell at 11:54 PM on June 22, 2020 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I am sorry for you loss.
I don't want to mop up their tears or just be there to get them off when they physically want to. I need reciprocal emotional intimacy as a precursor to sex.
Sex and intimacy: Your partner's efforts to connect, even if they don't appeal to you, are still bids for connection. I accept that sex isn't going to be perfect every time. Sex is a stress-reliever and can be a way to connect if there has been conflict. Sometimes the ends do justify the means because an orgasm and body connection is a break from thought and a way to strengthen bonds and increase intimacy. I'm not suggesting that you have sex if you don't want to, however if you think your partner is only using you for an orgasm or to distract from their stress or pain (nothing wrong with distracting for a while), I would investigate why you feel that way. Would they say the same? You have needs, they have needs. Your needs and motivations will not match every time. Of course reciprocity is the ideal and the goal, however there will be times when you're the givers and times when you're the taker. If you feel like you're always the giver then maybe this relationship isn't worth pursuing. Was there reciprocity prior to the depression?
Depressed partner: I would focus on myself. You can't help your partner with their depression other than being supportive and caring. You can't be responsible for their growth yet relationships are the best conduits for growth. Be your own person, take action in the areas of your life that you would like to improve, and take responsibility for your happiness. Be careful when looking to your partner as your source of unhappiness. I know I'm depressed when I start focusing on the deficiencies of others.
Crushes: Crushes are normal diversions of the mind and not something that you have to bring up because that information can be hurtful and damaging, depending on the person or the situation. That fact that you told your partner about it isn't the end of the world but think about what your motivations were to share. Was it to make your partner feel bad about the way they are behaving? Or, was it a way for you to share the inter workings of your mind because you are deeply committed and trust one another and normally share these kinds of things?
Housekeeping: Have you tried being direct with what you need as far as the house -- as in stating explicitly what you want your living areas to look like and how the extra clutter is getting you down? Can you ask partner to clear out some stuff and store it in boxes or keep in one room? Or, can they grant you permission to organize and corral some things?
Go easy on yourself and others. You have suffered a great loss. Wishing you both peace.
posted by loveandhappiness at 9:42 AM on June 28, 2020 [2 favorites]
I don't want to mop up their tears or just be there to get them off when they physically want to. I need reciprocal emotional intimacy as a precursor to sex.
Sex and intimacy: Your partner's efforts to connect, even if they don't appeal to you, are still bids for connection. I accept that sex isn't going to be perfect every time. Sex is a stress-reliever and can be a way to connect if there has been conflict. Sometimes the ends do justify the means because an orgasm and body connection is a break from thought and a way to strengthen bonds and increase intimacy. I'm not suggesting that you have sex if you don't want to, however if you think your partner is only using you for an orgasm or to distract from their stress or pain (nothing wrong with distracting for a while), I would investigate why you feel that way. Would they say the same? You have needs, they have needs. Your needs and motivations will not match every time. Of course reciprocity is the ideal and the goal, however there will be times when you're the givers and times when you're the taker. If you feel like you're always the giver then maybe this relationship isn't worth pursuing. Was there reciprocity prior to the depression?
Depressed partner: I would focus on myself. You can't help your partner with their depression other than being supportive and caring. You can't be responsible for their growth yet relationships are the best conduits for growth. Be your own person, take action in the areas of your life that you would like to improve, and take responsibility for your happiness. Be careful when looking to your partner as your source of unhappiness. I know I'm depressed when I start focusing on the deficiencies of others.
Crushes: Crushes are normal diversions of the mind and not something that you have to bring up because that information can be hurtful and damaging, depending on the person or the situation. That fact that you told your partner about it isn't the end of the world but think about what your motivations were to share. Was it to make your partner feel bad about the way they are behaving? Or, was it a way for you to share the inter workings of your mind because you are deeply committed and trust one another and normally share these kinds of things?
Housekeeping: Have you tried being direct with what you need as far as the house -- as in stating explicitly what you want your living areas to look like and how the extra clutter is getting you down? Can you ask partner to clear out some stuff and store it in boxes or keep in one room? Or, can they grant you permission to organize and corral some things?
Go easy on yourself and others. You have suffered a great loss. Wishing you both peace.
posted by loveandhappiness at 9:42 AM on June 28, 2020 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
Because in my state, it would have no effect. And the only reason I can see for staying with your partner, who repulses you, is that you're afraid the custody fallout. If your lawyer agrees there would be custody fallout, well, then you have your answer. But make sure you're not imagining things, because just because your ex says stuff doesn't mean a judge will be believe it. And if this is not really a factor in your likely custody arrangement, then this all becomes much clearer. Have you discussed this specific thing with the lawyer?
posted by fingersandtoes at 9:39 PM on June 21, 2020 [18 favorites]