Managing Anger at Work During Last Week There

June 21, 2020 10:28 AM

My soon-to-be ex boss did something really insulting on Friday and I am having a hard time letting go of my anger about it. What would you recommend?

I gave notice a little over a week ago because a) I got a new job and b) I couldn't take working 60+ hour weeks anymore. My boss had been very wishy washy about getting me the extra staff I needed, even though I'd been asking/begging for more people for months. We hired one person who ended up being assigned to an internal project, so that hire really didn't help because that new person was totally unable to help me with my workload like they were supposed to.

This Friday my boss let me know that he had hired another new person for that new hire (who is now taking over my role) AND that he had another person coming in as well. In less than a week my boss got my replacement two support staff members, and here I am still doing the majority of my remaining work by myself without any aid from other people.

I am so upset. This is really insulting and enraging, and the advice, "You're leaving, let it go," is making me even more upset. If he had gotten me help like I'd asked a few months ago, I wouldn't be leaving. I wouldn't be so burned out.

In my white hot anger I told him that while I was glad he had been we to find new people, I was also disappointed that this didn't happen sooner, and that I wanted to discuss this change in hiring capabilities with him during my exit interview. He said nothing had changed, and I doubled down and repeated that I would want to discuss it during my exit interview which is on the 30th.

I feel really sick to my stomach about this and can't get it off my mind. If you knew what I'd been through at this company you'd know why this is so upsetting. I don't know how I am going to find enough peace to deal with this graciously over the next week so that my resentment and anger don't bubble over.

What can I do?

posted by Kitchen Witch to Human Relations (20 answers total)

I mean, you leaving is the reason he finally realized he would have to give your replacement help if he didn't want to make the same mistake twice. It's unfortunate that he didn't learn his lesson until he had to the hard way by losing you, but it's actually a good thing he's smart enough to finally learn it.

You're not going to be able to get much closure here. It's like being angry with an ex that they learned to be kinder with the next person.

Focus on kicking ass in your next position, and maybe work with a leadership coach to find ways to effectively get your needs taken care of without jumping ship. That's not to say that you could have done so this time, just suggesting you learn as much from this as possible for the next time you're in a similar situation.
posted by cacao at 10:43 AM on June 21, 2020 [40 favorites]

Sadly, nothing you say in your exit interview is going to affect any change. You can figure out how to wrap up whatever you’re working on as quickly as possible and be done with that place. Hopefully once you have some closure and some distance you won’t be quite as angry. To me, showing anger means the other person wins. Don’t give them the satisfaction.

Congratulations on your new job!
posted by lyssabee at 10:43 AM on June 21, 2020 [4 favorites]

You should think about writing down what you want to say in the exit interview so you can kind of flush it out of your system. I would probably write two versions: The first one should be the fantasy version where you complain about literally everything that is making you angry. Get detailed, get emotional, get it all out. You can send it to a friend if you want but do NOT send it to anyone you work with. After that, you could try to write a second version that represents what you actually want to say in your exit interview. You have two separate goals here that are related but aren't actually the same: You want to deal with your resentment and anger, and you want to say something actually useful in your exit interview that has a chance of helping other people.

It very much sounds like your boss has taken advantage of you and taken you for granted, and they already know it, so you aren't very likely to get what you want emotionally from them in your exit interview. But, if you deal with some of your immediate anger now, maybe you can find a specific topic for the exit interview where you can get some sense of closure, and help the other workers at your old job. It's totally normal to feel this way after a rough job, and it sounds like you'll get through this fine.
posted by JZig at 10:46 AM on June 21, 2020 [4 favorites]

I think you have to vent this anger elsewhere, vigorously, until you can get at least some of it out of your system.

I totally get you, I am on a leaving trajectory over some bullshit too and I'm pretty sure I'm going to *have* to leave over it for it to get better (or not, maybe more people leave). But it is not only entirely unproductive for me to continue to complain about it there, it's actually making the rage worse because they so obviously don't give a shit and what I want more than anything in the world is for them to give a shit, and it is always Team Don't Give A Shit that wins that game because they don't even have to play or show up to the arena.

I have finally figured out that fighting with them in my head is also making it worse, so I have a google doc where I both vomit my ire and write elegant concise summaries of the problem and how to fix it, neither of which I share because they don't give a shit.

Wanting someone to care when they don't is the absolute worst. You can't make them.

I would skip the exit interview entirely. You're leaving, so they extra don't care.
posted by Lyn Never at 10:49 AM on June 21, 2020 [12 favorites]

Response by poster: FWIW I don't even want to talk to him about it anymore. What I'd really like to do is make this Friday my last day. I tried to do the right thing by giving more than 2 weeks notice and now I regret it.
posted by Kitchen Witch at 10:51 AM on June 21, 2020

Something did change but you already know what it most likely is - you quit. It’s not terribly uncommon for that to be the thing that pries loose additional money or commitment from reluctant higher-ups to finally make a needed change. I think it’s very unlikely that you’re going to hear anything different at your exit interview. In your shoes I would try not to go into that interview expecting to get anything useful from it for myself. If you can, I’d instead try to frame it as being about whatever *you* can say or do that will let you leave feeling good about yourself.

Maybe that’s just giving them a piece of your mind. Maybe it’s making specific suggestions for what they can do to make that job less toxic for the people who come after you. Maybe it’s skipping the thing altogether because fuck them, they clearly don’t value your opinion so why should you give them one second more of your time or energy than is absolutely necessary? Maybe it’s writing a letter so they get your thoughts but you don’t have to go through an emotional experience in the room with someone you’re already furious at.
posted by Stacey at 10:52 AM on June 21, 2020 [1 favorite]

When there’s something I’m stewing on and I just can’t let go it, I say it out loud to myself, almost like I’m giving a speech, and it helps me refine and get to the center of what’s bothering me, as well as helping me polish it in case I do have an opportunity to talk it though with someone else. Eventually that leaches the anger out of it and helps me find a simple and clear way to say what I’m thinking.
posted by sallybrown at 11:06 AM on June 21, 2020

Ugh! This would bother me so much.

Part of why you are so angry is that (despite having a new job) you might be grieving having to leave this job. At one point you might have had aspirations about your future at that job, and hope that if you just advocated more/better/with the right words you could have got the changes that would have allowed you to achieve what you dreamed you could. It hurts, because if those hires had happened under your tenure, you might have been able to make those dreams happen without the horrible personal cost to you.

So seconding JZig's suggestion to write everything down. In that fantasy version of the letter, really explore your grief and the powerlessness you felt in not being able to build an environment that nurtured you as a professional and A PERSON. Rage. Cry. No need to share it with the old job people. This is for you.

Then write down what a fair and nurturing work environment would look like to you. Flesh that out. And look for aspects of that in your new job. And identify what might still need to be fostered in the new job. And think about how you can establish boundaries to support you at your new shiny job.

On preview: Damn. I also wish this Friday could be your last day. A bit of time between the two jobs could go a long way to helping you realize that the additional hires aren't enough to fix your old job. The system there must have been pretty broken.

I also question whether an organization like this is worth your exit interview. Why give them anymore of you and your talents?

Take care of yourself. This is infuriating.
posted by Sauter Vaguely at 11:06 AM on June 21, 2020 [4 favorites]

There's not much to lose at this point, maybe make the offer to have Friday be your last day? Assuming that that's financially okay for you.
posted by Lyn Never at 11:06 AM on June 21, 2020 [2 favorites]

Don't rescind your two-week notice unless you truly never, ever think you'll need a recommendation from anyone at the company. Never mind your manager, think HR or your boss's boss or whatever. Two weeks is pretty standard in the US. BUT there's no reason why this has to be your most effective two weeks after. If you're working a minute over 40 hours per week or 8 hours per day, stop. Take a full one-hour lunch every day. Take your morning and afternoon breaks. And then only do whatever work is feasible inside that time frame. If stuff gets left undone, well, that's just too bad. You could have accomplished more had you adequate support staff.

(Hang on, I misread your update: yes, reduce your notice to two weeks, and also just do the standard 40 hours during that time.)
posted by BlahLaLa at 11:07 AM on June 21, 2020 [17 favorites]

I don't know how I am going to find enough peace to deal with this graciously over the next week so that my resentment and anger don't bubble over.

What can I do?

My usual approach to dealing with stewing on emotionally punishing situations is to imagine, in as much detail as I can, looking back on them once they're done; this automatically summons a certain measure of relief that they're over, which helps in the moment.

Works for physical misery as well.
posted by flabdablet at 11:17 AM on June 21, 2020 [3 favorites]

Call in sick until Friday.
posted by sageleaf at 12:01 PM on June 21, 2020 [4 favorites]

Instead of thinking about how angry you and trying to "get out your feelings" or force your manager to admit they screwed you or otherwise trying to make them feel as bad as you do, try thinking about yourself a year from now and what you would want to HAVE done. You can't control your manager, only yourself. And if you spend your last week/s trying to make him suffer like you've suffered, no-one leaves with a good feeling. You've been dedicated and built up a great reputation for yourself, don't you want to still have that to feel good about and rely on for recommendations later?

Are there lessons here that you can take away to grow for your next role? Maybe one of your lessons is not to work the 60 hour weeks next time, and to make sure management feels the pain of the shortage (rather than you feeling it and them hearing about it from you). Maybe it's a lesson about presenting a headcount plan, or about how long it takes to hire, or just about not sticking out an untenable role so long.
posted by Lady Li at 12:30 PM on June 21, 2020 [3 favorites]

You are leaving because your manager failed to do his job.

If the odor of burning bridges doesn't particularly offend your nostrils, point that out to his manager.
posted by jamjam at 1:06 PM on June 21, 2020 [2 favorites]

I would call in sick, take vacation days for your last week, work from home, or schedule a lot of appointments for yourself. You shouldnt start your new job all wound up about this one.

People will remember your work overall. Write up a closing memo.

Down the road no one will remember your last weeks on this job.

Also your notice 100 percent freed up money for support people. They didn't offer it as a bargain to keep you because some workplaces are petty
posted by perdhapley at 1:13 PM on June 21, 2020 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: Well, I have a reason to cut my notice short. My grandfather just passed away.

Thank you for your input.
posted by Kitchen Witch at 1:17 PM on June 21, 2020 [3 favorites]

Sorry to hear that Kitchen Witch. Please get some rest and take care of yourself and your family.
posted by perdhapley at 1:19 PM on June 21, 2020

"that I wanted to discuss this change in hiring capabilities with him during my exit interview. He said nothing had changed, and I doubled down and repeated that I would want to discuss it during my exit interview which is on the 30th." I don't understand what you hope to accomplish in the exit interview. I'd say nothing during the interview. Make it as short as pissable, even cancel it.
posted by at at 1:52 PM on June 21, 2020

So sorry for your loss. Cut your notice short, take sick days, be kind to yourself, you don't owe them anything.
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 3:34 PM on June 21, 2020 [2 favorites]

Don't make one ounce of effort for them that they wouldn't make for you.
posted by mccxxiii at 4:17 PM on June 21, 2020