maintain my cool to get what i want

June 18, 2020 7:57 PM

how do i keep focused on my desired outcomes out of an upcoming work/hiring conversation when i am very upset about how a particular item was handled in this process. i am bad at masking my feelings in these situations and letting my emotions get in the way.

note: i do not know any of these people more than superficially. also, i have reasons that are not germaine here for why i want to persue this work relationship. i am seeking helpful answers about how to prevent myself for sabotaging this opportunity.

posted by lescour to Work & Money (7 answers total)

You're human. Strong emotions shortcut any human beings ability to manage a situation. Ask for a break. Drink cold water, splash it on your face, breathe and stay focused on your breathing. Come back to the discussion when you're brain is back in control.
posted by bearwife at 8:48 PM on June 18, 2020 [1 favorite]

The first thing you may want to do is identify, with specifics, your desired outcome from the situation (not here in the thread, but for yourself). Identify it in more depth than "I am angry and I want (thing) to be different!" Take a beat, distance yourself from your feelings of being upset, and look at the situation in terms of what actionable thing(s) can come out of it.

What change do you want to see happen as a result of the situation? What steps can those with whom you are meeting take to start making that change? Can you help them take those steps? Identify the on-ramp to the desired end state, and give them (and yourself) the chance to take the most advantageous route.

Another thing that might help, if your emotions get in the way (as mine have done in similar situations), is to take the time before the meeting to literally write a script containing what you want to say when you're in the meeting. Bring the script with you, and do not deviate from the script until you've said what you need to say.

Good luck.
posted by pdb at 8:51 PM on June 18, 2020 [4 favorites]

DBT skills.

DEAR MAN
FAST
GIVE

These are mnemonics and you can find worksheets for working through these skills ahead of the conversation. Also, there are handouts that describe what situations are best for each skill. These involve prioritizing your feelings/values, the goal, and the relationship.
posted by bilabial at 9:21 PM on June 18, 2020 [4 favorites]

I have written scripts for likely discussion pathways, it is more valuable if you can do a dry run with a good friend, ie one that will challenge you. Or at least read what you need to say out loud - I find it helps to take the emotional heat out a bit before I do it for real. Oh! I see pbt has you covered.
posted by unearthed at 10:29 PM on June 18, 2020

And please note that this process is a mutual agreement, it is not all about you, it's about what you can contribute. One of the 4 aspects of a good employee is to NOT attach to outcomes. When a decision is made it's not longer your responsibility.
posted by ptm at 10:35 PM on June 18, 2020 [3 favorites]

So this sounds odd (it is odd) but if I have to have a conversation that might be awkward, I pretend that I'm a deep cover spy and my cover identity is having the conversation. Later, my spy colleagues and I will have a little laugh at how my cover character stayed completely calm through a ridiculous conversation.
posted by atrazine at 1:00 AM on June 19, 2020 [7 favorites]

Lots of great ideas here, especially writing a script. If you can role play the conversation with a friend, do that as many times as you can as part of your preparation. If you can't get a friend to help you, try role-playing in front of a mirror.

The idea is to anticipate and prepare for the way the conversation might go and how to respond, but also to rehearse enough times that you no longer feel emotional when delivering your points.
posted by rpfields at 6:41 AM on June 19, 2020 [2 favorites]