Dealing with people who don’t follow up
June 17, 2020 9:16 PM Subscribe
How can I learn to deal with people who don’t follow up?
As of recently I’ve been dealing with a few situations where people aren’t following through with my requests. For example I had a product I bought from a company that I sent back because I thought it was defective. The company tested it and said it wasn’t broken. I then replied asking if they could do one more test comparing it to another of the same product. They said they would do that. A week later and now they aren’t responding. Another example is I’m trying to get a quote from a contractor for some work. Some reply and some don’t. I recently had a good chat with a friend who voluntarily offered to send me some info on something that could help my business. But when I said to send it to me they never followed up. I get really frustrated when I don’t hear back from people. Maybe I expect too much? Or maybe I’m just dealing with some bad apples? How can learn I to deal with this stuff and be less frustrated?
As of recently I’ve been dealing with a few situations where people aren’t following through with my requests. For example I had a product I bought from a company that I sent back because I thought it was defective. The company tested it and said it wasn’t broken. I then replied asking if they could do one more test comparing it to another of the same product. They said they would do that. A week later and now they aren’t responding. Another example is I’m trying to get a quote from a contractor for some work. Some reply and some don’t. I recently had a good chat with a friend who voluntarily offered to send me some info on something that could help my business. But when I said to send it to me they never followed up. I get really frustrated when I don’t hear back from people. Maybe I expect too much? Or maybe I’m just dealing with some bad apples? How can learn I to deal with this stuff and be less frustrated?
I think this is worse than usual lately because everyone is so overwhelmed by the world and it's affecting their work. Plus many people are working at home, away from their usual systems and workflows, which makes things easier to fall through the cracks.
One trick I learned recently when I noticed people doing it to me(!) was when someone says they will do something, wait two or three days (on stuff that will take longer, or 2-3 hours on stuff you expect the same day) before sending your "thanks!" reply. That way the "thanks" functions as a first reminder already, and gives you a bit of an extra buffer before you have to turn into a nag for real.
posted by lollusc at 10:02 PM on June 17, 2020 [29 favorites]
One trick I learned recently when I noticed people doing it to me(!) was when someone says they will do something, wait two or three days (on stuff that will take longer, or 2-3 hours on stuff you expect the same day) before sending your "thanks!" reply. That way the "thanks" functions as a first reminder already, and gives you a bit of an extra buffer before you have to turn into a nag for real.
posted by lollusc at 10:02 PM on June 17, 2020 [29 favorites]
How can I learn to deal with people who don’t follow up?
I do it by reminding myself that I deal with a lot of people, that failure to follow up is not often consistent, and that there are occasions on which I have myself forgotten to follow up on something I said I'd do so it's unreasonable to expect anybody else to be perfect at this. From which it follows that, as somebody who is predominantly a consumer, I will just naturally be seeing more failures to follow up than I inflict on others because numbers.
And then I just avoid, to the best of my ability, dealing with flaky people or organizations who do consistently fail to follow up.
posted by flabdablet at 10:13 PM on June 17, 2020 [2 favorites]
I do it by reminding myself that I deal with a lot of people, that failure to follow up is not often consistent, and that there are occasions on which I have myself forgotten to follow up on something I said I'd do so it's unreasonable to expect anybody else to be perfect at this. From which it follows that, as somebody who is predominantly a consumer, I will just naturally be seeing more failures to follow up than I inflict on others because numbers.
And then I just avoid, to the best of my ability, dealing with flaky people or organizations who do consistently fail to follow up.
posted by flabdablet at 10:13 PM on June 17, 2020 [2 favorites]
Send a couple of reminders using their preferred form of communication, and then just give up and move on.
I have had to deal with many skilled trades contractors throughout the last year and honestly some of them are so busy they do not need to have good customer service or good followup to make money. They won't call you back or respond if they aren't interested in the job, it's too far from their office or house, or they are too busy. I try not to overthink it or take it personally and now we have a list of contractors with a handful for each trade when we need something repaired or installed. We keep such a list fully expecting a couple of those in each group to not respond timely, or not at all.
some people have terrible executive function and forget stuff all the time and need reminders, or they get overwhelmed and shut down/can't function. so reminders 1 to 3 times are good, depending on the urgency of the request/whether anyone else can assist you with it (or it has to be that person/company). after 3 i feel like if they haven't followed through they either don't want to, or for some reason they cannot.
but also... depending where you are...lots of people have communication styles that are very passive, they are super uncomfortable with any type of confrontation or disagreement. so they would rather lie to your face pretending to be willing to do something, then just stop responding later in order to get out of it. If you have a direct communication style this might drive you insane. It sure drives me insane.
I encountered this a lot when I left the east coast (nyc) and in lived in other places, it has literally taken me years to accept that this level of Nice Lying is widespread and adjust my expectations about others accordingly.
posted by zdravo at 10:20 PM on June 17, 2020 [9 favorites]
I have had to deal with many skilled trades contractors throughout the last year and honestly some of them are so busy they do not need to have good customer service or good followup to make money. They won't call you back or respond if they aren't interested in the job, it's too far from their office or house, or they are too busy. I try not to overthink it or take it personally and now we have a list of contractors with a handful for each trade when we need something repaired or installed. We keep such a list fully expecting a couple of those in each group to not respond timely, or not at all.
some people have terrible executive function and forget stuff all the time and need reminders, or they get overwhelmed and shut down/can't function. so reminders 1 to 3 times are good, depending on the urgency of the request/whether anyone else can assist you with it (or it has to be that person/company). after 3 i feel like if they haven't followed through they either don't want to, or for some reason they cannot.
but also... depending where you are...lots of people have communication styles that are very passive, they are super uncomfortable with any type of confrontation or disagreement. so they would rather lie to your face pretending to be willing to do something, then just stop responding later in order to get out of it. If you have a direct communication style this might drive you insane. It sure drives me insane.
I encountered this a lot when I left the east coast (nyc) and in lived in other places, it has literally taken me years to accept that this level of Nice Lying is widespread and adjust my expectations about others accordingly.
posted by zdravo at 10:20 PM on June 17, 2020 [9 favorites]
I tickle these promises and then wait longer then I want, then send a polite reminder with promise communication attached. If that doesn't work, I wait another few days, then contact the next echelon above, politely, with promise and unanswered follow up attached. This approach is a pain but works.
posted by bearwife at 10:24 PM on June 17, 2020
posted by bearwife at 10:24 PM on June 17, 2020
When possible and reasonable, I find that asking for things by a specific date can be useful. Everyone is busy and even with the best of intentions, things fall by the wayside and get forgotten - but sometimes knowing that someone is specifically wanting something by X date helps with prioritization and scheduling (e.g., if I know someone needs something by next Tuesday I probably won't get to it until next Monday, but at least I'll pop it on my calendar/to-do list for that day). You could also end your email with something like "If I don't hear from you by [X reasonable date], I'll [take Y action]". That action could be as simple as "check in again" or something like "assume you're unavailable for the job and pursue other options" with the contractors, I suppose - which (on preview) might make life simpler for you if zdravo is right and some contractors are tacitly turning down your request with their non-response anyway.
posted by DingoMutt at 10:25 PM on June 17, 2020 [2 favorites]
posted by DingoMutt at 10:25 PM on June 17, 2020 [2 favorites]
I’ve been having this same experience over the last few years. I believe that part of the reason is that people are much more contactable now and it’s increased the communications a lot (ie 20 years ago you would have phoned a number of you were serious about booking a service and they would have phoned you back- maybe they had 10 calls a day... now they may be getting text and email 10 times as many queries by people who aren’t serious and so they’ve reduced how quick they are to deal with these things and leave it to the recipient of the service to make sure it happens) in any case, it’s very hard not to be annoyed and now I really try to pin people down as then follow up again.
posted by pairofshades at 12:09 AM on June 18, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by pairofshades at 12:09 AM on June 18, 2020 [1 favorite]
I think I’m one of those people who is failing to follow up at the moment - and the simple reason is I am just receiving too many digital requests on all fronts. The switch to homeworking has meant more emails - I can get 50-60 a day and there was no way I got that many before. It’s also meant more messages from friends, more phone calls - and I just can’t keep up. Add in for other people issues around logistics and childcare, the state of the world, health issues - everyone’s a bit overwhelmed. Each request takes up a bit of bandwidth and I don’t have enough for them all.
If your feeling frustrated it might be because you are a very structured, rules oriented person - what meaning do you place on people following through on what they say they are going to do? Because other people’s circumstances, priorities and personality’s and the way they think can be totally different. They aren’t bad apples necessarily for not following up.
Let go of “should” when dealing with other people - what outcome do you need? Ideally you want to get that outcome using as little of the other persons bandwidth as possible. Keep requests short, simple as possible and clear. (E.g. Emails with bullet points and set deadlines get done - emails with long paragraphs of explanation with the task buried at the end don’t.)
In terms of the product - you just need a product that works right? Follow up in and of itself isn’t important, what the company should do isn’t important - you just need that product and the product to work. Keep that in mind when dealing with the company and go for easy solutions - asking them to test it against another product is one of those tasks that requires extra cognitive energy and it isn’t going to be a priority for them the way it is for you - would they just send you a replacement instead? The contractors - the outcome you want is the costs for the work, and then the work. If they don’t reply they don’t need the work and that’s your answer - they’ve also let you know what kind of worker they are and would just frustrate you further down the line so not following up can even be an outcome in your favor. Your friend - the outcome you want us the info - just casually remind them and try not to let it show that you feel disappointed - that would create extra cognitive load to deal with your request and wouldn’t necessarily lead to follow up. Sometimes when people feel guilty they avoid things.
We are all at the center of our own universe - Everything is going to run a lot smoother in your life if you let go of your expectations of what people should do and remember that people are operating in unknown circumstances . Keep the end goal in mind rather than the rules, make it easy for people to deliver the outcomes you want, set delivery dates when appropriate and if people forget remind them.
posted by Nilehorse at 12:50 AM on June 18, 2020 [9 favorites]
If your feeling frustrated it might be because you are a very structured, rules oriented person - what meaning do you place on people following through on what they say they are going to do? Because other people’s circumstances, priorities and personality’s and the way they think can be totally different. They aren’t bad apples necessarily for not following up.
Let go of “should” when dealing with other people - what outcome do you need? Ideally you want to get that outcome using as little of the other persons bandwidth as possible. Keep requests short, simple as possible and clear. (E.g. Emails with bullet points and set deadlines get done - emails with long paragraphs of explanation with the task buried at the end don’t.)
In terms of the product - you just need a product that works right? Follow up in and of itself isn’t important, what the company should do isn’t important - you just need that product and the product to work. Keep that in mind when dealing with the company and go for easy solutions - asking them to test it against another product is one of those tasks that requires extra cognitive energy and it isn’t going to be a priority for them the way it is for you - would they just send you a replacement instead? The contractors - the outcome you want is the costs for the work, and then the work. If they don’t reply they don’t need the work and that’s your answer - they’ve also let you know what kind of worker they are and would just frustrate you further down the line so not following up can even be an outcome in your favor. Your friend - the outcome you want us the info - just casually remind them and try not to let it show that you feel disappointed - that would create extra cognitive load to deal with your request and wouldn’t necessarily lead to follow up. Sometimes when people feel guilty they avoid things.
We are all at the center of our own universe - Everything is going to run a lot smoother in your life if you let go of your expectations of what people should do and remember that people are operating in unknown circumstances . Keep the end goal in mind rather than the rules, make it easy for people to deliver the outcomes you want, set delivery dates when appropriate and if people forget remind them.
posted by Nilehorse at 12:50 AM on June 18, 2020 [9 favorites]
>>their preferred form of communication
Very important this. Some people don't respond to emails but will respond super quick to SMS. Some prefer the phone. Others prefer IM like Skype Chat. Some even like LinkedIn messenger. Sometimes even the most unresponsive person, responds quickly if you use their favourite channel.
Secondly, try to acknowledge or label their situation. "At this time of year, I know you're probably very busy but..."
posted by jacobean at 3:18 AM on June 18, 2020 [2 favorites]
Very important this. Some people don't respond to emails but will respond super quick to SMS. Some prefer the phone. Others prefer IM like Skype Chat. Some even like LinkedIn messenger. Sometimes even the most unresponsive person, responds quickly if you use their favourite channel.
Secondly, try to acknowledge or label their situation. "At this time of year, I know you're probably very busy but..."
posted by jacobean at 3:18 AM on June 18, 2020 [2 favorites]
a contractor not responding to you is a gift. That's a vendor who doesn't want your business. He's saving you time, money and stress by making that clear before you spend your resources dealing with him.
Most of these responses are telling you all the different excuses people may have for not getting back to you, but in MOST cases (not ALL, but most) someone not getting back to you IS telling you something important: they're telling you they're not real interested. Whatever it is you're asking for, they don't really want to do it right then.
In all of your examples, you are asking for stuff that they're just not interested in giving you. That company doesn't care about your request to double test their product: that's not how they make money. That contractor doesn't want to do your project. And your friend has higher priorities right now than doing you the favor you're asking for.
In the third case, the one of the friend, you can circle round in a week or two to see whether it was just a question of bad timing; or if it's just not really going to happen. But in general, you're asking these people to give you stuff, and they... probably just don't want to.
posted by fingersandtoes at 7:38 AM on June 18, 2020 [4 favorites]
Most of these responses are telling you all the different excuses people may have for not getting back to you, but in MOST cases (not ALL, but most) someone not getting back to you IS telling you something important: they're telling you they're not real interested. Whatever it is you're asking for, they don't really want to do it right then.
In all of your examples, you are asking for stuff that they're just not interested in giving you. That company doesn't care about your request to double test their product: that's not how they make money. That contractor doesn't want to do your project. And your friend has higher priorities right now than doing you the favor you're asking for.
In the third case, the one of the friend, you can circle round in a week or two to see whether it was just a question of bad timing; or if it's just not really going to happen. But in general, you're asking these people to give you stuff, and they... probably just don't want to.
posted by fingersandtoes at 7:38 AM on June 18, 2020 [4 favorites]
This is a thing I encounter also. I think there are a few things going on here
- everyone's dealing with a LOT right now
- some people weren't great at email to begin with
- you have to sort of adjust what you expect based on what you're looking for
So, I hate the phone, which is fine that's my preference, but some people are going to really do better and be responsive on the phone and don't really do email that way (I am like this with FB Messenger, you contact me there and it's not real to me, even though a lot of people use it like texting or phone calls). So sometimes this is a situation where I need to find the person's preferred style. And then how I follow up on a non-follow-up depends on what people are looking for and what i am looking for
- contractors that don't reply, agree with what others have said, they're not the contractors for you
- a business that has an item of yours has to reply or work on the issue somehow. I can see not maybe wanting to re-test the item but you're in an ongoing relationship with them, so I just kinda put on my friendly face and say "Hey about that thing that is still ongoing..."
- a friend who is doing you a favor? See above, people have A LOT going on, so maybe circle back once and then figure hey maybe they overreached their own abilities
I basically spend my mondays now just spending some time emailing "Hey about that thing...?" to people. Sometimes it's really uncanny how fast I hear back from people. I low-level resent this but try to come from a place of compassion. I don't know what's going on with people and my life is in a pretty stable place so I should just kinda work on my own gratitude and not really resent people whose lives I don't know.
posted by jessamyn at 10:13 AM on June 18, 2020 [2 favorites]
- everyone's dealing with a LOT right now
- some people weren't great at email to begin with
- you have to sort of adjust what you expect based on what you're looking for
So, I hate the phone, which is fine that's my preference, but some people are going to really do better and be responsive on the phone and don't really do email that way (I am like this with FB Messenger, you contact me there and it's not real to me, even though a lot of people use it like texting or phone calls). So sometimes this is a situation where I need to find the person's preferred style. And then how I follow up on a non-follow-up depends on what people are looking for and what i am looking for
- contractors that don't reply, agree with what others have said, they're not the contractors for you
- a business that has an item of yours has to reply or work on the issue somehow. I can see not maybe wanting to re-test the item but you're in an ongoing relationship with them, so I just kinda put on my friendly face and say "Hey about that thing that is still ongoing..."
- a friend who is doing you a favor? See above, people have A LOT going on, so maybe circle back once and then figure hey maybe they overreached their own abilities
I basically spend my mondays now just spending some time emailing "Hey about that thing...?" to people. Sometimes it's really uncanny how fast I hear back from people. I low-level resent this but try to come from a place of compassion. I don't know what's going on with people and my life is in a pretty stable place so I should just kinda work on my own gratitude and not really resent people whose lives I don't know.
posted by jessamyn at 10:13 AM on June 18, 2020 [2 favorites]
It is a matter of the person's priorities. I just assume that something of a higher priority hit. I follow up later and the person feels guilty and generally gets right on it.
As for the example of testing the product again, while I don't know the details, if I were the person with whom you are corresponding, I would take it as a low priority. I tested it, and I told you that it was working as intended and you won't accept that explanation. I would either send you a new one or give you your money back, but to waste my time on another test seems like a waste of time if you did not believe me the first time.
Follow up is different when someone volunteers or offers than when someone asks it of you.
posted by AugustWest at 10:19 AM on June 18, 2020
As for the example of testing the product again, while I don't know the details, if I were the person with whom you are corresponding, I would take it as a low priority. I tested it, and I told you that it was working as intended and you won't accept that explanation. I would either send you a new one or give you your money back, but to waste my time on another test seems like a waste of time if you did not believe me the first time.
Follow up is different when someone volunteers or offers than when someone asks it of you.
posted by AugustWest at 10:19 AM on June 18, 2020
Sometimes it's OK to be a little more pesky than normal. For a couple of weeks I'd been going back and forth with a contractor I really want to work with. When we were finally able to set up a good day and time for a Zoom meeting, it looked like he didn't show up. I was irked, ready to give up, but then I decided to reach out by phone about a half hour later. I hate phone calls myself, giving or receiving, so I'm always loath to do this. But he picked up after the second ring, and we had a good conversation.
Looks like we're onto the next phase of the relationship... and, checking my email later, he'd tried to connect via Zoom but my silly Zoom setup wouldn't let him do it. So I was all ready to walk away, but I'm glad I didn't. Time will tell whether things go well, but his (good) reputation precedes him so it's a good bet that it will work out.
posted by Sheydem-tants at 11:54 AM on June 18, 2020
Looks like we're onto the next phase of the relationship... and, checking my email later, he'd tried to connect via Zoom but my silly Zoom setup wouldn't let him do it. So I was all ready to walk away, but I'm glad I didn't. Time will tell whether things go well, but his (good) reputation precedes him so it's a good bet that it will work out.
posted by Sheydem-tants at 11:54 AM on June 18, 2020
Agree with the people who are pointing out that this is a rough time, and so cutting people extra slack is probably warranted. But I relate to this frustration in general. I'm usually a quick responder, but lots of people aren't. I've gotten a bit better about this issue over the years, simply by recognizing that the situation at hand may be MY priority but it's not the other person's. I'm waiting impatiently, but they have lots of other things on their plate. So just sitting on my hands a little, and then following up at appropriate intervals is what's worked for me.
posted by swheatie at 12:11 PM on June 18, 2020
posted by swheatie at 12:11 PM on June 18, 2020
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Otherwise, yeah, some people just can’t be relied upon to follow through.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 9:26 PM on June 17, 2020 [1 favorite]